Deacon Quotes in Waterworld (1995)

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Deacon Quotes:

  • Deacon: Don't just stand there, kill something!

  • [after painting a ball bearing in the Deacon's eye socket to look like a real one]

    Deacon: Well? How's it look?

    [the other smokers say, "not bad," "not bad at all", etc]

    Doctor: I-I like it better than your real eye.

    [One smoker says, "much better," to general agreement]

    Deacon: What do you say, Toby? The truth.

    Toby: Looks like shit.

    Deacon: That's why I love children: no guile.

    [after looking at his new eye in a mirror]

    Deacon: It does look like shit.

  • Mariner: I want the girl.

    Deacon: You know, I thought you were stupid, friend. But I underestimated you. You are a total freaking retard! Ha-ha-ha...

    Mariner: I want the girl. That's all.

    Deacon: Well, what on this screwed-up earth of ours makes you think you're gonna get her?

    [the Mariner takes a flare from his belt, and holds it over a hole leading down to the Deez's fuel hold]

    Mariner: You know what this is. I drop it, you burn.

    Doctor: We all burn...

    Deacon: Now-now-now, let's not do anything rash here. I mean, are you sure this kid is worth it? I mean, she never does stop talking, she never shuts up!

    Mariner: I noticed.

    Deacon: So what is it, then? It's the map.

    Mariner: She's my friend.

    Deacon: Golly gee, a single tear rolls down my cheek. You're gonna die for your friend.

    Mariner: If it comes to that.

    [He ignites the flare, and holds it over the hole again]

    Nord: He's bluffing! I'll kill him.

    Enola: He's not bluffing, he never bluffs.

    Deacon: SHUT UP!

    [to the Mariner]

    Deacon: I-I-I-I-I don't think you're gonna drop that torch, my friend.

    Mariner: Why not?

    Deacon: Because you're not crazy.

    [the Mariner smiles, lifts his hand, and drops the flare down the hole]

    Deacon: NO-O-O-O-O!

  • Depth Gauge: Sir? Your Deaconship? Good day! Or night. Whatever the case may be...

    Deacon: What is it? I'm a busy man.

    Depth Gauge: I thought you should know. There's exactly nine feet and four inches of THE BLACK STUFF...

    [the Deacon spits on the Depth Gauge's head]

    Depth Gauge: Oh, thank you!

  • Deacon: Dry land is not just our destination, it is our destiny!

  • Deacon: Let's have an intelligent conversation here: I'll talk, and you listen.

  • Deacon: If you'll notice the arterial nature of the blood coming from the hole in my head, you can assume that we're all having a real lousy day.

  • Deacon: Well, I'll be damned. It's the gentleman guppy. You know, he's like a turd that won't flush.

  • Deacon: Wanna cigarette? You're never too young to start.

  • [after the deck of the Deez clears, one lone figure walks toward the bridge]

    Deacon: Why aren't you rowing?

    [the Mariner removes his mask]

    Nord: [laughs] It's him.

    Enola: It is him! You guys are in so much trouble.

  • Deacon: Maybe he doesn't answer to Chuck. Call him Charles.

  • Nord: So which way we rowin'?

    Deacon: I don't have a goddamn clue. Don't worry, they'll row for a month before they figure out I'm fakin' it.

  • Deacon: If I ever see him again, I'm going to cut open his head and eat his brain.

  • Deacon: Look, it's the gentleman guppy.

  • [while holding Helen and the Mariner at gunpoint]

    Deacon: All right, that's it! If you won't tell us where she is, let's just KILL 'EM ALL!

    [He fires a gun into the air]

    Enola: [popping up from her hiding place] NO!

    Deacon: Ha-ha, so gullible!

  • Deacon: I've had a vision so great, as it came to me I wept.

  • Deacon: You know, I thought you were stupid, friend. But I underestimated you; you're a total freakin' retard!

  • Deacon: How 'bout a cigarette? Nothing like a good smoke when you miss your mom... Never too young to start...

  • Deacon: He'll see what's left of you in a goddamn jar!

  • [Opening; The United Provinces version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" is played at the fictional New York Memorial Raceway]

    [first lines]

    Deacon: O, great American multitude and sports fans everywhere, today we inaugurate the 20th Annual Trans-Continental Road Race. Today, the five bravest young men and women in this greatest of nations will risk their lives in the greatest sporting event since the day the Sparticus! Three days hence, a new American champion will be crowned for all the world to behold, in awe, in respect, in fear!

    Junior: All right, all right! This is Junior Bruce, your buddy-buddy and mine. And I'll be giving you the blow-by-blow, play-by-play when the kings and queens of the open road roar onto the track!

  • Deacon: What's going on?

    Tulley: I never know what's going on!

  • Eddie: What the hell are you doing?

    Deacon: 17 million 4 ways I'm to greedy for that, Eddie

  • Bill: You ditched Napoleon!

    Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?

    Deacon: He was a dick.

  • Deacon: I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.

    Vladislav: I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.

  • Stu: [Showing the vampires Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.

    Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

    Deacon: Yes, now Google it.

  • Deacon: One day I was selling my wears, and I walked passed this old creepy castle. And I look at it and think, "'very old and creepy". And then this creature... flies at me! It dragged me back to this dark dungeon. And bit into my neck. And just at the point of death; this creature forced me to suck its foul blood. And then it opened it's wings, like this. And hovered above me. Screeching. 'Now you are vampire.' And it was Petyr. And we're still friends today.

  • Deacon: When you are a vampire you become very... , sexy!

  • Viago: Deacon. How was your night, last night?

    Deacon: I transformed into a dog and had sex.

    Viago: Cool!

  • Zack Brown: Editor and DP, looks like you got your shit covered.

    Deacon: Do not say 'shit covered' to me again.

  • [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face]

    Deacon: Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!

  • Zack Brown: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.

    Miriam Linky: Return of the Brown Eye.

    Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.

    Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.

    [awkward silence]

    Zack Brown: ...okay.

    Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?

    Miriam Linky: No, yeah we got it.

    Stacey: Ew.

    Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.

  • Delaney: [after Zack leaving the set] Can you believe this shit?

    Deacon: [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face] Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!

  • [after the first night's shooting]

    Zack: Hey, how'd it look?

    Deacon: How do you think it looked? It looked like shit going into other shit - in focus.

    Zack: [to Miri] What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "Shit going into other shit".

  • Zack: Wow, D.P. and editor. You have your shit covered.

    Deacon: Please don't ever say "shit covered" to me again.

  • Deacon: I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref!

    Zack: Dude.

    Deacon: It's cool. He's my cousin.

  • Deacon: The Lord loves you, and the Lord loves you.

    [to Nicky]

    Deacon: You make the Lord very nervous.

  • Deacon: The Hell Beast is above us and I can smell an evil slut!

  • Deacon: Why do you taunt me with your darkness? Your evil is stinkin' up our streets! The end is near! We are all gonna die!

  • Adrian: Welcome to the party! It's so nice to see you all here! I'm so proud of you. You've taken to sin with such minimal prompting. You're acting as if there is no heaven or hell. Well, I've got news for you.

    [Lifts cape up and turns into priest]

    Adrian: There is most definitely a hell and you're all gonna go there when you die. Which is in about 15 minutes.

    Deacon: Holy shit! We really are gonna die!

  • Deacon: I object!

    Rickey: We all object. Answer the question.

  • Shamrock Ellison: The doctor says you were pretty lucky, Deacon. He said the bullet only grazed your skull and knocked you out.

    Deacon: Well, the way I look at it, I'da been a goner if it hit any place but my head.

  • 'Deacon': Repeated lines: The cards are sure stacked agin us.

Browse more character quotes from Waterworld (1995)

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Characters on Waterworld (1995)