David St. Hubbins Quotes in This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

[When asked what happened to their first drummer]

David St. Hubbins: He died in a bizarre gardening accident...

Nigel Tufnel: Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.

David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.

Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?

David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.

Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?

David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.

David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

Ian Faith: I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.

Derek Smalls: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

Ian Faith: Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.

David St. Hubbins: But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.

Marty DiBergi: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?

David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...

Nigel Tufnel: ...Festival.

David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?

Nigel Tufnel: Blues jazz, really.

Derek Smalls: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.

Nigel Tufnel: It was in the Isle of, uh...

David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.

Nigel Tufnel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.

Derek Smalls: Just like that.

David St. Hubbins: He just went up.

Nigel Tufnel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.

David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.

Nigel Tufnel: Well, there was...

David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did happen.

Nigel Tufnel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.

David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.

Nigel Tufnel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.

David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...

David St. Hubbins: What?

Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.

David St. Hubbins: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.

David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...

Nigel Tufnel: Clever.

David St. Hubbins: Yeah, and clever.

David St. Hubbins: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.

[David raises hand after Ian Faith quits as the band's manager]

Derek Smalls: Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?

David St. Hubbins: *NO*, we're not gonna fucking do "Stonehenge"!

[Asked to write his own epitaph]

David St. Hubbins: Here lies David St. Hubbins... and why not?

David St. Hubbins: We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but...

Nigel Tufnel: We don't literally say it.

David St. Hubbins: No, we don't say it.

Nigel Tufnel: We don't really, literally mean it.

David St. Hubbins: No, we don't believe it either, but...

Nigel Tufnel: But we're not racists.

David St. Hubbins: But that message should be clear, anyway.

Nigel Tufnel: We're anything but racists.

Derek Smalls: We're lucky.

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Derek Smalls: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.

David St. Hubbins: I envy us.

Derek Smalls: Yeah.

David St. Hubbins: I do.

Derek Smalls: Me too.

Derek Smalls: Remember at Luton Palace we were talking about writing a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper.

David St. Hubbins: Yeah!

[singing]

David St. Hubbins: You're a naughty one...

Derek Smalls, David St. Hubbins: Saucy Jack...

David St. Hubbins: You're a haughty one, saucy Jack.

[Asked by a reporter if this is the end of Spinal Tap]

David St. Hubbins: Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you.

David St. Hubbins: They were still booing him when we came on stage.

David St. Hubbins: Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

David St. Hubbins: [singing] Big bottom, big bottom / Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em!

David St. Hubbins: [to the Janitor] We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight.

Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall...

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Janitor: turn right...

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Janitor: and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet.

Derek Smalls: A jog?

Janitor: jog to the left...

David St. Hubbins: A jog?

Derek Smalls: We don't have time for that.

Janitor: go straight ahead...

David St. Hubbins: We trust you. We trust you.

Janitor: go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"...

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage!

David St. Hubbins: You think so?

Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?

David St. Hubbins: We've got guitars yeah.

Marty DiBergi: You two were at school together?

Nigel Tufnel: We're not university material.

David St. Hubbins: What's that on your finger?

Nigel Tufnel: It's my gum.

David St. Hubbins: What are you doing with it on your finger?

Nigel Tufnel: I might need it later.

David St. Hubbins: Put it on the table, that's terrible.

Nigel Tufnel: No, I might forget it on the table.

David St. Hubbins: [to Marty] Fucking awful, you can't take him anywhere.

Nigel Tufnel: You can't fucking concentrate because your fucking wife! Simple as that, alright? It's your fucking wife!

David St. Hubbins: She's not my wife.

Nigel Tufnel: Well whatever FUCK she is, alright? You can't concentrate!

Ian Faith: They're not gonna release the album... because they have decided that the cover is sexist.

Nigel Tufnel: Well, so what? What's wrong with bein' sexy? I mean there's no...

Ian Faith: Sex-IST!

David St. Hubbins: IST!

Terry Ladd: Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.

Derek Smalls: Ok.

David St. Hubbins: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry.

Derek Smalls: We'll catch up with you on the road.

Duke Fame: Cheers.

David St. Hubbins: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days!

[as soon as they are out of earshot]

David St. Hubbins: Fuckin' wanker.

Nigel Tufnel: What a wanker.

David St. Hubbins: What a wanker.

Derek Smalls: Total no talent sod.

David St. Hubbins: We are Spinal Tap from the UK - you must be the USA!

Artie Fufkin: [after nobody turns up, at an album-signing promotion] You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?

David St. Hubbins: What?

Artie Fufkin: Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.

David St. Hubbins: [talking about Nigel] I'm tired of sticking up for his intelligence.

David St. Hubbins: Can you play a bass line like Nigel used to on "Big Bottom"? Can you double that? You might recall the line's in fifths.

Viv Savage: Oh yeah, I've got two hands here.

Derek Smalls: [from DVD commentary, about Marty DiBergi] He doesn't look Italian, does he?

Nigel Tufnel: I think his real last name is DiBergarmo.

David St. Hubbins: No!

Derek Smalls: No, his real last name is DiBergowitz.

Nigel Tufnel: Yeah! DiBergowitz.

David St. Hubbins: No! He's like one of those...

Derek Smalls: Yeah, he is one of those. Check it out: DiBergowitz!