David Dobel Quotes in Anything Else (2003)

David Dobel: I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?" I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me." And he said, "Well, we have to look into that." And I said, "There's nothing to look into. I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl." And he said, "What's underneath it?" And I said, "Nothing." He said, "I'll have to give you medication." I said, "I don't want medication. I want the girl." And he said, "We have to work this through." So, at that point, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck.

David Dobel: The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she *is* crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.

David Dobel: You know, Falk, if a guy comes out onstage at Carnegie Hall and throws up, you can always find some people who will call it art.

David Dobel: As you go through life, Falk, there will be no shortage of people who will tell you how to live. They'll have all the answers for you, what you should do, what you shouldn't do. Don't argue with them. You know, say "Yes, that's a brilliant, brilliant idea," and then do what you want. And whenever you're right, strive for originality. But if you have to steal, steal from the best. Oh, oh, and if you take very good care of your styptic pencil and dry it after every shave, it will last longer than most relationships that you're in.

David Dobel: Yoy said it yourself, you're afraid to sleep alone. That's the whole story. You surround yourself with this farrage of babysitters, this loving-disabled little sex kitten who's driving you crazy, the Jew manager, you know? And let me tell you I am of the Hebrew pursuassion, but the guy that handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost. And you got this shrink who, like God, never speaks, and like God, is dead. There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid. That's why you gotta build a survival kit!

David Dobel: You think quantum physics has the answer? I mean, you know, what purpose does it serve for me that time and space are exactly the same thing? I mean I ask a guy what time it is, he tells me 6 miles? What the hell is that?

David Dobel: What you don't know, won't hurt you, it'll kill you. Like if they tell you you're going to shower but they turn out not to be showers.

David Dobel: Last night I was home alone in my apartment and I conjured up a threesome with me, Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren, and it was very very erotic. As a matter of fact if I'm not mistaken, it was the first time those two great actresses ever appeared in anything together.

[first lines]

David Dobel: You know, there's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really. There's an old joke about a prizefighter who's in the ring, and he's getting killed, he's getting his brains beat out; and his mother's in the audience, and she's watching him getting beaten up in the ring, and there's a priest next to her, and she says 'Father, father, pray for him, pray for him!' The priest says 'I will pray for him, but if he could punch it would help!' There's more insight in that joke, into what I call the giant so-what, than most books on philosophy.

David Dobel: Let me tell you, I am of the Hebrew persuasion, but that guy who handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost.

David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbles for the check, you know he who wants to get the check, gets it.

David Dobel: ...and the next thing I knew they made some crack about my religion which I found in poor taste.

Jerry Falk: Religion? You're an atheist!

David Dobel: Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.

David Dobel: You have to learn to take it apart and put it together blindfolded, you know, cause you may have to do it some day in the dark.

Jerry Falk: You expecting Nazis and a blackout?

David Dobel: The thing I'm going to miss the most is the kids. The kids are, are wonderful kids and they're bright, you know. You should see the creative ways they smuggle weapons past the metal detectors, it's amazing.

David Dobel: Since the beginning of time people have been, you know, frightened and, and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around, and shamans, and now shrinks, to tell 'em, "Look, I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks..." But they *can't* help you, Falk, because life is what it is.

David Dobel: Why are you in analysis? You're afraid to sleep, what else?

Jerry Falk: Fear of death.

David Dobel: That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.

David Dobel: In eros veritas.

David Dobel: [about the Swarthy guy] He looked at us and said to the other guy "Jews start all wars."

David Dobel: Let me tell you, Falk. We live in perilous times. You got to keep alert for these things. You don't want your life to wind up as black-and-white newsreel footage scored by a cello in a minor key.

Jerry Falk: Dobel, you're a madman.

David Dobel: Yeah, that's what they said in Germany. You know there were actually groups in Germany called "Jews for Hitler"? They were deluded, they thought he'd be good for the country. They trusted a naked bus driver, never trust a naked bus driver.

Jerry Falk: Just how crazy are you huh? Is there more? Do you hear voices on the radio or worship snakes?

David Dobel: You are a member of one of the most persecuted minorities in history. The rifle's on me.

Jerry Falk: What's happening here, what's going on?

David Dobel: [trying to pivot the piano] I have it under control... Nothing that can't be done with the help of twelve stevedores and some oxen.

David Dobel: I promised students of my class I'm gonna take them to the Caravaggio exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum. You know, I try to give them a little culture now and then so they don't beat each other to death with bicycle chains all the time.

David Dobel: You chose psychoanalysis over real life? Are you learning disabled?

David Dobel: You've been with a shrink for years, and yet you're too guilty to say goodbye to this inept little homunculus who poses as your manager.

David Dobel: You're a writer, you have a gift. You should have a, a girlfriend, who's, who's, you know, helpful and encouraging. Not some mercurial little jitterbug who'll have you holding up filling stations to keep her in mood elevators.

Jerry Falk: Hey, what did you do? I wanted to grab the check.

David Dobel: No you didn't.

Jerry Falk: [stammering] What do you mean, no I didn't? Yes I did. I was grabbing the check, I wanted to take care of it.

David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbled for a check. You know, he who wants to get the check gets it. As you go through life when you really want to get the check you will find a way to get it.