David Clark Quotes in We're the Millers (2013)

Casey Mathis: These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone!

David Clark: Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?

Casey Mathis: So? Fuck you, dude!

Styist: OK, what are we doing today?

David Clark: Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'

Middle Aged Man: [Indicating his own haircut] Right here.

David Clark: [Points in the mirror] Yeah. That's it. That's the one.

Scottie P.: You know what I'm sayin?

David Clark: Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.

David Clark: She's going to be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle. Actually, she might already be pregnant.

David Clark: You can buy a house and run away from it.

Kenny Rossmore: Hey, David.

David Clark: Hi, Kenny.

Kenny Rossmore: So, I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting.

David Clark: It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell are you doing up? It's almost two. Where's your mom?

Kenny Rossmore: Uh, she went for a drink with a friend.

David Clark: When?

Kenny Rossmore: Last week.

Rose O'Reilly: You're such a dick. Have fun dying alone, jerk.

David Clark: Yeah, have fun digging out those singles from your crotch!

Rose O'Reilly: My crotch only takes twenties, David.

Kenny Rossmore: So now you're going to become an even bigger drug dealer?

David Clark: Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.

David Clark: [On the phone] We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.

Brad Gurdlinger: Why?

David Clark: Why? Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!

Brad Gurdlinger: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?

Kenny Rossmore: What did she say?

David Clark: What the fuck do you think? She said no.

Kenny Rossmore: Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little father and son bonding trip to Mexico.

David Clark: Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van? It'll look like the pervert Olympics.

[during an argument in the RV]

David Clark: We are NOT the fucking Brady Bunch, all right? I'm Marky Mark and y'all are the *Funky Bunch*!

David Clark: I'm here to pickup a smidge of pot.

David Clark: [Talking on the phone] This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie-fucking-Nelson, man!

David Clark: Oh, my God. You're a dude! Scared the hell out of me! I mean your voice was so much deeper than your bone structure.

David Clark: I just got ear-fucked in a tent. What do you want from me?

David Clark: We are all now officially international drug smugglers. Add it to the resume.

Rose O'Reilly: You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet.

David Clark: Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. 'Cheesy Feet' is what they call it. It's a best-seller.

David Clark: What the fuck is that?

Brad Gurdlinger: Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money.

David Clark: So you bought a whale?

Brad Gurdlinger: Well, I don't like sports cars.

Brad Gurdlinger: Listen, this is a fucked up situation. But, I might have a win-win situation for both of us.

David Clark: Great.

Brad Gurdlinger: I have a smidge of very choice marijuana down in Mexico, and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular currier is unavailable on the account of the fact he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in.

David Clark: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?

Brad Gurdlinger: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

Kenny Rossmore: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh fuck a donkey it hurts so much!

David Clark: What hurts, Kenny?

Kenny Rossmore: I'm gonna die! I'm gonna fuckin' die!

David Clark: Kenny, you're not going to die. Tell me what's wrong.

Rose O'Reilly: What's wrong, Kenny?

Kenny Rossmore: Fuckin' spider bit me on my balls, David! On my balls, on my balls, on my fuckin' balls!

Brad Gurdlinger: Go for B-Rad

David Clark: Hey Brad, what the fuck!

Brad Gurdlinger: Uh oh, something wrong?

David Clark: Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge.

Brad Gurdlinger: Smidge and half, no?

David Clark: Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!

Brad Gurdlinger: Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?"

David Clark: Why do you sound suprized by this?

Brad's Receptionist: Can I help you?

David Clark: Hi, you ordered two black guys. David Clark, here to see Mr Gurdlinger.

Brad's Receptionist: I will tell him you're here. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, Fresca?

David Clark: Hmmmmm, you know what, a Fresca sounds really good.

Brad's Receptionist: You got it.

Brad Gurdlinger: It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal.

David Clark: Brad, I almost got killed over this shit twice.

Brad Gurdlinger: Look, i'm not gonna be an asshole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even?

David Clark: You were never gonna pay me, were you?

Brad Gurdlinger: Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore.

[DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody]

Brad Gurdlinger: [as Brad is being handcuffed] You double crossed me!

David Clark: Kind of a dick move. right?

David Clark: Do it for the girls. For Rose and Casey, because believe me, they won't last two days in a Mexican prison.

Kenny Rossmore: OK, I'll do it for the girls.

David Clark: Attaboy! I'm proud of you.

Mexican Cop: Hey, what's going on? Somebody sucking my dick or am I getting 1000 pesos?

David Clark: Pesos? Why didn't you say so?

Mexican Cop: A thousand.

David Clark: Oh, that's like 80 bucks American? Here's a 100. Keep the change.

Mexican Cop: Gracias

David Clark: Can't believe you were gonna suck that guy's dick. Come on, let's go.

Kenny Rossmore: FUCK! Oh, my God. I'm gonna die

Rose O'Reilly: Tell us what happened.

Kenny Rossmore: A fucking sipder bit me, David. It bit me on my balls, on my fucking balls!

Rose O'Reilly: Oh God. Let me see it, Kenny, let me see it.

Kenny Rossmore: No fucking way, you're not seeing it.

Rose O'Reilly: Come on. I can't help you unless you show it to me. Sweetie just show it to me.

David Clark: Kenny, will you just man up and drop your pants?

Casey Mathis: We've all seen a dick!