David Barnes Quotes in Soapdish (1991)
David Barnes Quotes:
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[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] And?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...
[pause]
Jeffrey Anderson: Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White: What the hell?
David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...
[they both goggle at the word]
Jeffrey Anderson: Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.
-- David Barnes -
Celeste Talbert: [accepting an award] Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...
[At their table]
Ariel Maloney: Bitch!
David Barnes: Hag!
Montana Moorehead: I hate her so much!
-- David Barnes -
Celeste Talbert: David! David! David, David, David, David, David!
David Barnes: Hey, great scene with Bolt.
Celeste Talbert: I realize I'm not a young woman; however...
David Barnes: What do you mean, you're not...
Celeste Talbert: ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer
[grabs her]
Celeste Talbert: whose name I don't quite have yet...
Tawny Miller: Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert.
Celeste Talbert: How do you do.
[to David]
Celeste Talbert: that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!
David Barnes: [to Tawny] You're fired.
Tawny Miller: Oh God.
David Barnes: I'm just kidding.
[into PA system]
David Barnes: Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!
-- David Barnes -
Montana Moorehead: [after seeing Lori on People magazine] YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED!
David Barnes: Hey! We were never naked.
Montana Moorehead: Well, we could've been! Not only did you get rid of Celeste but you - YOU CREATED LORI! This ingénue from HELL! She has more lines than I do and she's a GOD... DAMN... MUTE!
-- David Barnes -
Betsy Faye Sharon: She came in yesterday. I don't know who the hell she is. Her name is Naven, Maven, Slaven... Claven... there's no agent.
David Barnes: Find her.
Betsy Faye Sharon: Well, what if she can't act?
Burton White: That never stopped us before!
[Barnes snaps his fingers]
Betsy Faye Sharon: What?
David Barnes: [snap, snap, snap, snap, snap] We make her mute!
Burton White: What?
David Barnes: If she doesn't speak, we don't have to pay her as much. A homeless deaf-mute: what could be more pathetic? God, I'm good.
-- David Barnes -
[offstage - watching the monitor as it is revealed on live TV that Montana is a man]
Edmund Edwards: She's a boy!
[long, incredulous pause]
David Barnes: Yeah, well we *knew* that.
[starts gagging]
Edmund Edwards: Are you okay?
David Barnes: [weak voice] I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.
-- David Barnes -
David Barnes: I was under orders.
Celeste Talbert: So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.
David Barnes: Himmler.
Celeste Talbert: No, no, no.
David Barnes: Hess.
Rose Schwartz: Eichmann.
David Barnes: Eichmann.
-- David Barnes -
Lori Craven: [bursting into David's office] We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird.
[to Montana]
Lori Craven: Do you mind?
Montana Moorehead: You, you're asking me to leave?
Lori Craven: That's right. I'm asking you to leave.
Montana Moorehead: David...
David Barnes: Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?
Montana Moorehead: No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally.
[storms out]
Montana Moorehead: [from off stage] I hate you! I hate you, you pig!
David Barnes: She's got a lot of spirit.
Lori Craven: She's a deranged bitch!
-- David Barnes -
David Barnes: Listen, she just won her 8th Schmenger, right? Edmund's crazy about her. She's got a lot of juice.
Montana Moorehead: Well, that's when you dump people, okay? When they're still on top, before they lose their popularity and drag the show down with them.
-- David Barnes -
David Barnes: [about Montana] She's got a lot of spirit.
Lori Craven: She's a deranged bitch.
-- David Barnes -
David Barnes: So, who dies? It can't be one of the regulars...
Montana Moorehead: Not even Bolt?
David Barnes: Bolt? No, Bolt's gold, especially with that whole impotency thing coming up. One of the extras...
Montana Moorehead: One of the homeless, David, one of the homeless.
David Barnes: That's cruel.
Montana Moorehead: It's very cruel.
-- David Barnes
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