David Quotes in Alien³ (1992)

[all the prisoners call Aaron "85"]

Ripley: What's this "eighty-five" thing?

David: A couple of us sneaked a look at his personnel file the day he arrived. It's his IQ.

David: I have a problem with this.

Jude: Which part?

David: The part where we're running around down here in the dark with that fucking thing chasing us.

[Searching for the Alien]

David: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

[Ripley and David are fetching Quinitricetyline for coating the prison tunnels]

David: I saw a drum of this stuff fall into a beach head bunker once. The blast put a tug in dry dock for seventeen weeks. Great stuff!

Dillon: [the inmates gather at assembly hall after the alien has escaped] All right. The fucking thing is loose. It's out there. The rescue team is on its way with guns and shit. Right now there isn't any place that's real safe. But we stay here, in the assembly hall. This place never had any fucking air conditioning. If it comes in it's gotta be through one of these doors. Now we post a guard to let us know if it's coming. In the meantime, you lay low, be ready and stay right... in case your time comes.

David: Don't you start bullshitting, Dillon. We're gonna be trapped in here like rats.

Dillon: You got a weapon? You got a blade? Then you take it out and you fucking use it!

David: There's definitely something in here with us!

David: I have a problem with this.

Jude: What part?

David: The part where we're running around in the dark fucking maze with that thing chasing us.

Zorg: This case is empty.

[switches to conversation between Cornelius and Leeloo, who is laughing]

Priest Vito Cornelius: What do you mean, empty?

[back to conversation between Zorg and Aknot]

Zorg: Empty. The opposite of full. This case is supposed to be full! Anyone care to explain?

Leeloo: [back to Leeloo, speaking in the Divine Language]

Priest Vito Cornelius: The guardians... gave the stones... to someone they could trust... who-who took another route... she's supposed to contact this person... in a hotel... and she's looking for the address. Easy.

Leeloo: [points to the computer screen] Dort.

David: It's-it's planet Fhloston, in the Angel Constellation!

Priest Vito Cornelius: We're saved.

[back to Zorg and Aknot]

Zorg: I'm screwed.

[David brings some new clothes for Leeloo - she examines them with delight, then casually strips off her robe - David and Cornelius quickly turn around]

David: They really made her...

Priest Vito Cornelius: Perfect. I know.

David: Father, are you sure she's a supreme being?

David: You want change with no sacrifice. You want peace with no struggle. The world doesn't work like that.

David: [said to Tris] Help me. You saved a city. Help me save the world.

David: If you had enough to save one person, and your choice was between a healthy child and a sick old man, who would you choose?

Four: I wouldn't choose.

David: Good! Now they're both dead.

David: Defend the second rotunda!

David: [after the computer has finished regenerating the Polaroid negative] Hey, take a look at this. Somebody get Donovan down here! It's Commander Farrell.

David: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me... Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

David, Eliab: I want to kill the giant Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness?

David, Goliath: You may come against me with sword and spear, but I come against you in the name of our Lord I'm going to cut you and feed you to the birds

David, Goliath: I've come to fight you What am I a dog?

David: [to Vladikov] ... but I am here to help you, even if you're keeping my entire family hostage in Bangladesh.

Maj. Vladikov: [Has just been given bad news, picks up his pistol and shoots over shoulder at henchmen who delivered it] Did I get him?

David: [Looks back to see Vladikov shot off the henchmans ear] Just missed.

David: You ASSHOLE! Don't ever piss her off again! As far as we know, she's the only remaining original!

David: It makes sense, doesn't it? To kill us, he must be metal.

David: [sarcastically] Good luck

Eric: [snaps] yeah... and fuck you too

David: [snaps back] and your mother

David: [after a long chase, in which Hillman had mistaken David for an assassin and tried to kill him, David catches the real villain] For you. Express delivery.

Hillman: [confused] Sorry.

David: You need to take a vacation, man.

David: Shit! Okay. Plan B.

Jenny: Plan B? What the hell was plan A?

David: [on the phone] Listen! Listen! Listen, please! Don't hang up! I will not make it without you.

Jenny: [on the phone] I can't promise anything.

David: There is a whole army after me.

Jenny: Okay. That's it.

[starts to hang up]

Jenny: An army! Come on! Who do you think you are?

[several armed police men rush past Jenny, looking for David]

Policeman: Move! Move! Clear the floor!

Jenny: [picks up phone] Where did you say you were?

David: Big things have small beginnings.

David: There is nothing in the desert and no man needs nothing.

Charlie Holloway: What we hoped to achieve was to meet our makers. To get answers. Why they even made us in the first place.

David: Why do you think your people made me?

Charlie Holloway: We made you because we could.

David: Can you imagine how disappointing it would be for you to hear the same thing from your creator?

Charlie Holloway: I guess it's good you can't be disappointed.

Charlie Holloway: David, why are you wearing a suit, man?

David: I beg your pardon?

Charlie Holloway: You don't breathe, remember? So why wear a suit?

David: I was designed like this because you are more comfortable interacting with your own kind. If I didn't wear a suit, it would defeat the purpose.

Charlie Holloway: They're making you guys pretty close, huh?

David: Not too close, I hope.

David: It must feel like your God abandoned you.

Elizabeth Shaw: What?

David: To lose Dr. Holloway after your father died under such similar circumstances. What was it that killed him? Ebola?

Elizabeth Shaw: How do you...? How do you know that?

David: I watched your dreams.

David: How far would you go to get your answers?

David: A superior species, no doubt. The hypersleep chambers will impress, I trust.

Elizabeth Shaw: So they were traveling somewhere?

David: I've managed to work out the broad strips, it's fairly evident they were in the process of leaving, before things went to pot.

Elizabeth Shaw: Leaving to go where?

David: Earth.

Elizabeth Shaw: Why?

David: Sometimes to create, one must first destroy.

[from trailer]

Interviewer: David, what makes you sad?

David: War, poverty, cruelty, unneccessary violence. I understand human emotions, although I do not feel them myself. This allows me to be more efficient and capable, and makes it easier for my human counterparts to interact with me.

[from trailer]

David: Hello. I'm David.

Interviewer: What can you do, David?

David: I can do almost anything that could possibly be asked of me. I can assist your employees. I can make your organization more efficient. I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical. I can blend in with your workforce effortlessly.

Peter Weyland: There's nothing.

David: I know. Have a good journey, Mr. Weyland.

[while putting his space suit on, Shaw walks in front of him. She has just had the squid removed]

David: I didn't think you had it in you.

[she looks at him suddenly]

David: Sorry, bad choice of words.

Elizabeth Shaw: What are you doing David?

David: I'm attempting to open the door.

Elizabeth Shaw: Wait, we don't know what's on the other side.

David: [Door opens] Oops. Sorry.

Elizabeth Shaw: What happens when Weyland is not around to program you anymore?

David: I suppose I'll be free.

Elizabeth Shaw: You want that?

David: "Want"? Not a concept I'm familiar with. That being said, doesn't everyone want their parents dead?

Elizabeth Shaw: I didn't.

[from trailer]

Interviewer: Is there anything you would like to say, David?

David: I would like to express gratitude to those who created me. Happy Birthday, David, from Weyland Industries.

[from trailer]

Interviewer: Eighth-generation Weyland TIPE: Technological, Intellectual, Physical...

David: Emotional.

Peter Weyland: There's nothing to learn.

David: I understand, Mr. Weyland. Have a safe journey.

Meredith Vickers: [asking how long the Prometheus crew has been in hyper sleep] How long?

David: 2 years, 4 months, 18 days, 36 hours, 15 minutes.

Meredith Vickers: Any casualties?

David: Casualties, ma'am?

Meredith Vickers: Has anyone died?

David: No, ma'am. Everyone is fine.

Meredith Vickers: Well, then wake them up.

[David has his first birthday with the resurrected Monica]

Narrator: [narrating] David had never had a birthday party because David had never been born, so they baked a cake and lit some candles.

Monica: [Monica lays David's birthday cake in front of him] Now, make a wish.

David: It came true already.

[as David blows out his candles]

[Joe looks into David's eyes and tells him what he believes in about David being like the rest of the Mecha]

Gigolo Joe: She loves what you do for her, as my customers love what it is I do for them. But she does not love you, David. She cannot love you. You are neither flesh nor blood. You are not a dog a cat or a canary. You were designed and built specific like the rest of us... and you are alone now only because they tired of you... or replaced you with a younger model... or were displeased with something you said or broke. They made us too smart, too quick and too many. We are suffering for the mistakes they made because when the end comes, all that will be left is us. That's why they hate us. And that is why you must stay here... with me.

David: Goodbye, Joe.

[the Specialist Mecha talks to David about the end of the human race, but how he will be able to see Monica one final time]

Specialist (evolved mecha): David, I often felt a sort of envy of human beings... of that thing they call 'spirit.' Human beings have created a million explanations of the meaning of life... in art, in poetry, and mathematical formulas. Certainly, human beings must be the key to the meaning of existence. But human beings no longer existed. So, we began a project... that would make it possible to recreate the living body of a person long dead... from the DNA in a fragment of bone or mummified skin. We also wondered, would it be possible... to retrieve a memory trace in resonance with a recreated body? And you know what we found? We found the very fabric of space-time itself appeared to store information... about every event which had ever occured in the past. But the experiment was a failure, for those who were resurrected only lived through a single day of renewed life. When the resurectees fell asleep on the night of their first new day they died again. As soon as they became unconcious, their very existence faded away into darkness. So you see, David. The equations have shown that once an individual space-time part had been used, it could not be reused. If we bring your mother back now it will only be for one day, and then you will never be able to see her again.

David: Maybe - Maybe she will be special. Maybe she will stay.

Specialist (evolved mecha): I thought this would be hard for you to understand. You were created to be so young.

David: Maybe the one day will be like that one day inside the amphibicopter. Maybe it will last forever.

Specialist (evolved mecha): David, you are the enduring memory of the human race. The most lasting proof of their genius. We only want for your happiness. David, you've had so little of that.

David: If you want for my happiness, then you know what you have to do.

Specialist (evolved mecha): Listen. Can you hear that? The new morning has come. Go to her, David. She's just waking up this instant.

[birds chirp to the morning sunrise]

[Monica arrives in the woods with David, prepared to leave him there alone]

Monica: [David makes the picnic blanket for them both] David, listen. Now... you won't understand the reasons, but... I have - I have to leave you here.

David: Is it a game?

Monica: No.

David: When will you come back for me?

Monica: I'm not, David. You'll have to be here by yourself.

David: Alone?

Monica: [Monica's voice breaks with tears in her eyes] With Teddy.

David: [David begins to uncontrollably cry] No. No, no, no, no, no, no! No, Mommy, please! No, no! Please, Mommy, no!

Monica: Shh. Shh. Shh. They will destroy you, David. Please, David.

David: No! No, Mommy! I'm sorry I broke myself. I'm so sorry I cut your hair off... And I'm sorry I hurt you and I hurt Martin.

Monica: [Monica starts screaming as she begins to cry, holding David away from holding her] I have to go! I have to go! Stop it! Stop it! I have to go now.

David: [Monica stands up as David continues to try and hold her] Mommy, no! Mommy! Mommy, if Pinocchio became a real... and I become a real boy, can I come home?

Monica: That's just a story.

David: But a story tells what happens.

Monica: [Monica runs back to the car where she gets on her knees to talk to David one last time] Stories are not real! You're not real! Now, listen to me. Look. Look! Take this, all right? Take this. Don't let anyone see how much it is, okay? Now, look, don't go that way. Look! Look at me! Look! Don't go that way. Go anywhere but that way or they'll catch you. Don't ever let them catch you! Listen, stay away from Flesh Fairs, away from where there are lots of people. Stay away from all people. Only others like you. Only Mecha are safe!

David: [David cries with his two hands around Monica's neck] Why do you wanna leave me? Why do you wanna leave me? I'm sorry I'm not real. If you let me, I'll be so real for you.

Monica: [Monica tries pulling off David, as she screams, throwing David off her] Let go. Let go, David. Let go!

Monica: [Monica looks at David laying on the ground] I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the world.

[Monica reads the words that will imprint herself on David, and give David the feelings to love]

Monica: Now, I'm gonna read some words. And, uh, they won't make any sense, but I want you to listen to them anyway... and look at me all the time. Can you do that?

David: Yes, Monica.

Monica: [Monica puts her finger tips to the back of David's neck] Can you feel my hand on the back of your neck?

David: Yes.

Monica: [David remains to sit while smiling] Does any of this hurt?

David: No.

Monica: Okay, now, look at me. Ready? Cirrus. Socrates. Particle. Decibel. Hurricane. Dolphin. Tulip. Monica. David. Monica.

Monica: [David's expression goes silent] All right. I wonder if I did that right. I don't...

David: What were those words for, Mommy?

Monica: [Monica closes and opens her eyes] What did you call me?

David: Mommy.

Monica: [Monica smiles rolling her hand onto David's neck] Who am I, David?

David: [David softly whispers while hugging onto Monica] You are my Mommy.

[David arrives to the Swinton residence for the first time, taking a step on the wooden floors of the home, taking a second step that makes a second tap]

David: [looking back to Monica] I like your floor.

[Monica introduces David to Teddy]

Monica: [Monica turns Teddy on] His name is Teddy. Teddy, this is David.

David: Hello, Teddy.

Teddy: Hello, David.

Monica: David, Teddy is a super toy, and I know you two will take good care of each other.

Teddy: [Teddy makes a scowl face to Monica when his ears go back] I am not a toy.

[David asks Dr. Know the question about the Blue Fairy transforming him into a real boy]

David: How can the Blue Fairy... make... a robot... into a real live boy?

Dr. Know: Come away, O human child, to the waters and the wild... with a fairy hand in hand, for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand. Your quest will be perilous, yet the rewards is beyond price. In his book, 'How Can A Robot Become Human?' Professor Allen Hobby writes of the power... which will transform Mecha into Orga.

David: Will you tell me how to find her?

Dr. Know: Discovery is quite possible. Our Blue Fairy does exist in one place, and in one place only. At the end of the world where the lions weep. Here is the place where dreams are born.

[David walks into Monica's bedroom asking her will she die]

David: Mommy, will you die?

Monica: Well, one day, David, yes, I will.

David: [David says with a slight sadness in his voice] I'll be alone.

Monica: Don't worry yourself so.

David: [David lays his head on Monica's lap] How long will you live?

Monica: For ages. For 50 years

David: [David whispers while Monica puts her hand on David's head] I love you, Mommy. I hope you never die. Never.

Monica: [Monica looks away] Yes.

[David finds out the truth about him only being a Mecha boy]

Professor Hobby: David.

David: My brain is falling out.

[Monica takes David on a car ride back to Cybertronics]

David: [David tries talking to Monica with Teddy in his lap] Where are we going? Someplace nice? Are those happy tears? What's for dinner tonight?

Monica: You know you don't eat.

David: Yes. But I like sitting at the table.

[David finds a copy of himself when arriving to the office in Man-hattan]

David: [David whispers] Is this the place they make you real?

David 2: [the other David turns around in his chair holding a book] This is the place they make you read.

[David tells Joe who is Mommy is to him and that she will love him when he becomes a real boy]

David: [David aggressively tells Joe] My mommy doesn't hate me... because I'm special and unique. Because there's never been anyone like me before, ever. Mommy loves Martin because he is real, and when I am real... Mommy's going to read to me and tuck me in my bed and sing to me... and listen to what I say and she will cuddle with me... and tell me every day, a hundred times a day, that she loves me!

[David see's his bedroom for the first time when asked about going to sleep]

Monica: How late do they let you stay up?

David: I can never go to sleep. But I can lay quietly and not make a peep.

[David talks to the lightly dazed Monica after her resurrection]

Monica: I must be confused. What day is it?

David: [David smiles] It is... today.

[David asks the Blue Fairy Mecha about Monica]

David: Where am I? This looks like my house, but it is different.

Blue Mecha: Yes, it is different, but it's also your home. We read your mind, and it's all here. There's nothing too small that you didn't store for us to remember. We so want you to be happy. You are so important to us, David. You are unique in all the world.

David: Will Mommy be coming home soon? Is she out shopping with Martin?

Blue Mecha: David, she can never come home... because 2,000 years have passed, and she is no longer living. Dearest David, when you are lonely, we can bring back other people from your time in the past.

David: [David shouts out] If you can bring back other people, why can't you bring back her?

Blue Mecha: Because we can only bring back people... whose bodies we dig up from the ice. We need some physical sample of the person, like a bone or a fingernail.

[David in Rouge City thinks he see's the Blue Fairy in the form of a statue on a church roof]

David: Are you her?

Gigolo Joe: That's Our Lady of the Immaculate Heart.

Gigolo Joe: The ones who made us are always looking for the ones who made them. They go in, fold their hands, look around their feed, sing songs... and when they come out it's usually me they find. I've picked up a lot of business on this spot.

[a lady walks out, as Joe clicks on his music and attempts to follow her]

[David meets the Blue Fairy Mecha]

Blue Mecha: [David walks towards the Blue Fairy Mecha calling his name from his bedroom] You have been searching for me, haven't you, David?

David: For my whole life.

Blue Mecha: And what, after all this time, have you come to ask me?

David: I have a wish to make.

Blue Mecha: And what is your wish?

David: Please make me a real boy... so my mommy will love me and let me stay with her.

Blue Mecha: David, I will do anything that is possible, but I cannot make you a real boy.

[Joe tells David that only Joe is capable of changing the color of his Blue Fairy]

Gigolo Joe: Exactly what name do you give this woman?

David: She is... just Blue Fairy.

Gigolo Joe: Blue Fairy. In the world of Orga, blue is the color of melancholy. Yet, the services I provide will put a blush back on anyone's cheek. I will change the color of your fairy for you. She will scream out in the moonlight, 'Oh! Oh yes! Oh God! Oh, yes! Oh, God! Oh, God!'

[Joe asks David if the Blue Fairy is a woman, telling David that he knows all women]

Gigolo Joe: Is Blue Fairy Mecha, Orga, man or woman?

David: Woman.

Gigolo Joe: [Joe stops and sits David down] 'Woman'? I know women!

Gigolo Joe: [Joe clicks on his music] They sometimes ask for me by name. I know all about women. About as much as there is to know, no two are ever alike, And after they've met me, no two... are ever the same. And I know where most of them can be found.

[the Flesh Fair audience chants the name of Lord Johnson-Johnson as he personally walks out David to be the next victim in front of the live audience]

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls and children of all ages. What will they think of next? See here. A bitty-bot, ticker toy, a living doll. Of course, we all know why they made them. To steal your hearts, to replace your children. This is the latest generation in a series of insults to human dignity... and in their grand scheme to phase out all of God's little children. Meet the next generation of child designed... to do just that.

Lord Johnson-Johnson: [the Flesh Fair audience watch in complete silence at David] Do not be fooled... by the artistry of this creation. No doubt there was talent in the crafting of this simulator. Yet with the very first strike... you will see the big lie come apart before your very eyes!

David: [David see's a drop of acid miss his face as he stands tied up, beginning to beg for his life] Don't burn me! Don't burn me! I'm not Pinocchio! Don't make me die! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David!

Voice in the Crowd: [a Flesh Fair audience member screams out from the crowd] Mecha don't plead for their lives. Who is that? He looks like a boy.

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Built like a boy to disarm us. See how they try to imitate our emotions now.

David: [quietly cries out] I'm David!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Whatever performance this Sim puts on, remember: We are only demolishing artificially! Let he who is without Sim... cast the first stone.

[David asks Teddy about what Monica told him on how long she'll be alive for]

David: Is 50 years a long time?

Teddy: I don't think so.

[David talks to the other Mecha robots locked away with him in the Flesh Fair cage]

Mechanic: Would you be so kind and shut down my pain receivers?

David: Why is this happening?

Cop: History repeats itself. It's of blood and electricity.

TV Face: So, when the opportunities avail themselves, they pick away at us... cutting back our numbers so they can maintain numerical superiority.

[Joe does a little dance for David who saved his life, on a mission now to get David to Rouge City]

Gigolo Joe: She will make you a real boy, for I will make her a real woman. And all will be right with the world because you held my hand... and saved my brain, so that once again my customers my ask for me by name - 'Gigolo Joe, what do ya know?'

David: [Joe does a little dance in front of David] Why do you do that?

Gigolo Joe: That's just what I do.

Gigolo Joe: [Joe does another little dance before the two walk on] Now, follow me and don't fall behind. All roads lead to Rouge. Don't they just say that, eh? Don't they just?

[David see's the moon rise over the hillside, as all of the other Mecha's around him prepare to run]

Mecha Robot: [the Mecha robot without a lower face screams] Moon on the rise!

Cop: [the Mecha cop quickly warns David] It's the Flesh Fair. They destroy us on stage. I've been there.

David: What do we do?

Teddy: We run now.

Lord Johnson-Johnson: [Lord Johnson-Johnson over the speaker phone up in the moon blimp] Any old iron. Any old iron. Any old iron. Any old Iron. Expel your Mecha. Purge yourselves of artificiality. Come along, now. Let some Mecha loose to run. Any old unlicensed iron down there?

[Martin questions David about what cool things he can do]

Martin Swinton: So I guess now you're the new super toy. So, what good stuff can you do? Oh, can you do power stuff, like uh, walk on the ceiling or the walls? Anti-gravity? Like, float or fly?

David: Can you?

[Monica returns to find David in the closet, where she put him before for how uncomfortable he was making her]

David: Is it a game?

Monica: Yes. Hide-and-seek.

Monica: [Monica tags David on the shoulder while nervously smiling] I found you.

[Joe joins David on his journey to finding the Blue Fairy and why]

Gigolo Joe: Are you in trouble? Have you run away from someone?

David: My mommy told me to run away.

Gigolo Joe: Why did she say that?

David: I guess... because Henry didn't like me.

Gigolo Joe: Why was that?

David: Martin came home.

Gigolo Joe: And who is he?

David: Martin is Mommy and Henry's real son. After I find the Blue Fairy, then I can go home. Mommy will love a real boy. The Blue Fairy will make me into one.

[David and Martin talk about David's birthday, and then David's first memory]

Martin Swinton: When's your birthday?

David: I never had a birthday.

Martin Swinton: Okay. When were you first built? When's your build-day.

David: I don't remember.

Martin Swinton: Okay, what's the first thing you can remember?

David: A bird.

Martin Swinton: What sort of bird?

David: [David opens his arms out] A bird with big wings... and feathers sticking up from the bottom.

[Monica holds David's hand, as the technicians work on taking the spinach out of his body]

David: [David lays on the table with his stomach open] It's okay, Mommy. It doesn't hurt.

[Monica walks off unable to catch her breath, as David remains to hold his hand up in the air]

[David tells Professor Hobby that he thought he was one of a kind]

David: I thought I was one of a kind.

Professor Hobby: [Professor Hobby responds with tears in his eyes] My son was one of a kind. You're the first of a kind.

[Joe recommends to David that they must go to Rouge City to find David's Blue Fairy, for that's where Dr. Know is]

Gigolo Joe: Rouge City. Across the Delaware. Too far for our feet. We'll need help to get there. And... it is not without peril.

Gigolo Joe: [Joe points out into the black sky, up towards the moon] We will have to journey... towards the moon.

David: Are there many women in Rouge City?

Gigolo Joe: As there are stars at night.

David: Then how will we find just one?

Gigolo Joe: We will ask Dr. Know. There is nothing he doesn't.

[David and Joe sit down with Dr. Know who tells them the price of admission for information]

David: [David stands up impatiently] Tell me where I can find the Blue Fairy.

Dr. Know: [a buzzer sound buzzes] Question me, you pay the fee. Two for five, you get one free.

Gigolo Joe: He means two questions cost five Newbucks with a third question on the house. In this day and age, David, nothing costs more than information.

[Joe tries to convince David that the Blue Fairy may not be real at all]

Gigolo Joe: Many a Mecha has gone to the end of the world... never to come back. That is why they call the end of the world 'Man-hattan.'

David: And that is why we must go there.

Gigolo Joe: [Joe runs after David] Wait! What if the Blue Fairy isn't real at all, David? What if she's magic? The supernatural is the hidden web that unites the universe. Only Orga believe what cannot be seen or measured. It is that oddness that separates our species. Or what if the Blue Fairy is an electronic parasite... that has a reason to haunt the minds of artificial intelligence?

[David finds the sculpture of the Blue Fairy under the ocean, as the old structure of the ferris wheel falls on the amphibicopter David and Teddy are in]

David: [the vibration blows a cloud of dirt around them] The Blue Fairy is all right.

Teddy: What happened?

David: I don't know.

Teddy: We are in a cage.

David: [David begins to pray from the amphibicopter, not taking his eyes off of the Blue Fairy] Blue Fairy? Please. Please, please make me into a real, live boy. Please. Blue Fairy? Please. Please. Make me real. Blue Fairy, please. Please make me real. Please make me a real boy. Please, Blue Fairy. Make me into a real boy. Please.

[David draws the bird from his first memory for Martin]

Martin Swinton: That looks like a peacock. Can you say peacock?

David: Peacock.

Martin Swinton: Can you say 'Pee'?

David: Pee.

Martin Swinton: Now say that two times fast.

[David continues to play hide-and-seek with Monica, finding her in the bathroom]

David: [David opens the door, as Monica gasps] I found you.

Monica: [Monica yells] Out! Out! Out! Get out of here! And close the goddamn door!

[Monica holds her pajama pants up so David won't see anything, as David closes the door]

[David and Martin call to Teddy to see who he will go to]

David: [David calmly asks Teddy] Come here, Teddy.

Martin Swinton: [Martin calls out] Come on!

David: Come here, boy.

Martin Swinton: [Martin bangs his lap] Teddy! Teddy! Come here! Come on, Teddy! Come here!

David: [David calmly says] Come here, Teddy.

Martin Swinton: [Martin yells out louder] Come here Teddy! Come!

Teddy: [Teddy doesn't make a choice and then runs to Monica who enters the room] Mommy! Mommy!

Monica: [Monica carries Teddy out by one arm] Are they torturing you, Teddy?

[David attempts to cut off a piece of Monica's hair with a pair of giant scissors]

Henry Swinton: [Henry wakes up, grabbing onto David by the shoulders] Why did you do that! Why did you do that!

Monica: Henry, what are you doing? You're hurting him!

Henry Swinton: [Henry begins to shake David] Talk to me! David, Goddamn it! Talk to me, David!

Monica: [David drops the pair of scissors] Henry, let him go! You're hurting him!

Henry Swinton: [Henry continues to shake David uncontrollably, yelling] Why did you do that! Why did you do that!

Monica: [as Monica yells out] You're hurting him! Don't break him!

David: [Henry stops shaking him as David softly replies] Henry, I wanted mommy to love me... more.

[Martin's friends tease David around the pool]

Todd: He's Mecha.

David: What's Mecha?

Todd: We're organic, your mechanical. Orga, Mecha. Orga, Mecha. Orga, Mecha.

Martin Swinton: Todd, stop!

Todd: I didn't even know they made little kids. Can you pee?

Todd: I cannot.

Kid: Then let's see what you can't pee with.

[the kids all laugh as they try to check under David's shorts]

[Martin's friend Todd takes a knife to David's arm to see if he can feel pain]

Todd: Does he have DAS?

Martin Swinton: DAS what?

Kid: [one of the kids says in German] This is good!

Todd: [the kid Todd chuckles] Damage Avoidance System. DAS. It's a pain alert system. Our service man has it. It's so they don't go picking up fire with their bare hands. Watch. Watch this.

Todd: [the kid Todd grabs a cutting knife, holding it to David's arm] Now, I'm not gonna cut you. This isn't gonna hurt. I'm not gonna cut your skin. Just tell me when you feel it.

David: [the kid pokes the knife into David's arm, David feels it immediately, as David turns to hide behind Martin, grabbing onto him, walking backwards with him] Keep me safe, Martin. Keep me safe. Keep me safe, Martin. Keep me safe.

[David bumps into the FemMecha Nanny while they both hide from the Biker Hounds]

FemMecha Nanny: What's your name?

David: My name is David.

FemMecha Nanny: Hello, David. How old are you?

David: I don't know.

FemMecha Nanny: Do you need someone to take care of you? Would you like a nanny? I have many good references.

David: Do you know where the Blue Fairy lives?

[David talks to the Stage Manager of the Flesh Fair]

Stage Manager: No one builds children. No one ever has. What would be the point?

Lord Johnson-Johnson: He could be a custom job. Some rich and lonely scaredy puss's pretend child.

TV Face: [the Mecha next to them in the cage] I'm a custom job. Seventy-five years ago I was Time Magazine's Mecha of the year.

Stage Manager: No, this work is first-rate. A lot of love went into him. David? You are one of a kind. You know that? Who made you?

David: My mommy made me.

[David talks to the other Mecha David]

David 2: [the other David calmly asks] Can you read? Can you sit down and we can read together? Let's be friends.

David: [David's face has a scowl look to it] You can't have her.

David 2: I can't hear you.

David: She's mine. And I'm the only one.

David: [David takes a metal lamp and begins hitting it over the head of the other David, swinging it wildly in the air] I'm David! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David! I'm special! I'm unique! I'm David! You can't have her!

[David wakes up the resurrected Monica from her bed by combing her hair with his hand]

David: [Monica opens her eyes as David whispers to her] I found you.

Monica: [Monica smiles, whispering back] Hi.

David: [David smiles with dried tears on his eyes] Hi.

Monica: I must have dozed off. How long have I...

David: Would you like some coffee? Just the way you like it?

Monica: Yeah, I'd love a coffee. It'll wake me up.

[Teddy gives David the piece of hair he needs to resurrect Monica]

Teddy: David?

David: Yes, Teddy?

Teddy: Do you remember when you cut some of Mommy's hair?

David: Henry shook me.

Teddy: And you dropped some of Mommy's hair.

David: [David has tears roll down his face] I know.

[Teddy pulls out the cut of hair and puts it in David's hand]

David: [David holds the hair up to the Blue Fairy Mecha] Now you can bring her back, can't you?

Specialist (evolved mecha): [the evolved Mecha's watch from above] Give him what he wants.

Blue Mecha: [the Blue Fairy Mecha waves her wand] Dearest David, your wish is my command.

Lilo: [Sitting at a table with Stitch] David! I got a new dog!

David: Auwe... You sure it's a dog?

Lilo: Uh huh... He used to be a collie before he got ran over.

Lilo: Don't worry. She likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read her diary.

David: She thinks it's fancy?

Nani: Did you catch fire again?

David: No, just the stage.

David: [to Stitch] So you're from outer space? I hear the surfing is choice.

David: I may not be a doctor, but I know there's no better cure for a sour face than a couple of boards and some choice waves. Whatcha think?

Carolyn McAdams: All right, listen, um, I gotta go, um, is there anything else you want when I come back?

David: How about a Big Mac, large fries and a Coke? They're still around, I hope.

Carolyn McAdams: Well, now, that all depends, Do you want New Coke, Classic Coke, Cherry Coke, Diet Coke or caffeine-free Coke?

David: Huh?

Carolyn McAdams: Nothing, Forget it.

Max: I crashed into electrical towers and my star charts were erased. I need the ones in your head to complete my mission.

David: So you need ME and my INFERIOR brain to fly that thing?

Max: Correction, I need the SUPERIOR information in your INFERIOR brain to fly this... thing.

[after stopping at a pasture, David steps off the ship to urinate]

Max: What are you doing?

David: Can't I have a little privacy?

Max: Do not know privacy.

David: My dad took me to see the Bee Gees a couple months ago. Who did you see?

Carolyn McAdams: Twisted Sister.

David: Never heard of her.

Carolyn McAdams: It's a him.

David: Oh.

Carolyn McAdams: Actually, it's a them.

Woman Officer: David, what is the date today?

David: [sighs] It's the Fourth of July.

Woman Officer: And what year?

David: [impatiently] 1978!

Detective Banks: [a beat] David... who is the President of the United States?

David: Duh. You need that for your paperwork?

Detective Banks: Mmm-hmm.

[long pause]

Detective Banks: Well?

David: It's Jimmy Carter!

David: [long, awkward pause as the Woman Officer and Detective Banks look at David, then at each other]

Max: I told you, I blew a fuse when I totaled that electrical tower. I was checking out some daisies.

David: You crashed while looking at FLOWERS?

Max: Are we there yet? Where are we anyway?

David: Geez, I have no idea where we are. We got to get directions.

Max, David: [they hear "Trapped in My Mind" coming from a convertible on the highway] Hmm.

David: I wonder if that's that Twisted Sister stuff Carolyn was talking about.

Teen in Car: Come on.

David: [they lower the space ship beside the car at a stop sign] Hi, you wouldn't happen to know the way to Fort Lauderdale, would you?

Max: [Max sticks his 'head' out] Try to make your directions clear because we get lost easy.

Teen in Car: [freaking out] Fly!

[they speed off]

Max: Hey! Thanks for nothing!... Were those geeks, David?

David: Yes, Max. Those were geeks.

David: That's it?

Max: That's it, Davy!

David: Davy?

Max: If you wanna learn how to swim, you have to jump in the water. Don't forget to feed Bruiser. Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun... Whoa! I think I got some stuff out of your head that has nothing to do with navigating this ship!

David: You sound just like a human!

Max: No! That dumb dog will never learn to catch a frisbee. You are the inferior species, you dumb dork!

David: Buttface!

Max: Scuz-bucket! Ha-ha!

David: [flying into Florida] Al's Gator City... This must be Florida, Max!

Max: And that must be Big Al!

David: What are we doing all the way up here you geek?

Max: Geek?

David: I swear to God if I was driving this thing we'd be home by now!

Max: Oh yeah?

David: Yeah!

Max: Oh yeah?

David: Yeah!

Max: Ok turkey YOU fly it

[Max turns everything off]

David: [David looks at a gooey alien] What's this?

Max: A very unpleasant creature.

David: What's his problem?

Max: He has a cold.

David: [to his family] I'm sorry, but I don't belong here now! I love you!

[gets back in ship and flies off]

Max: You need to be with your family, David.

David: That is my family, but that's NOT my home. MY home is back in 1978!

Max: I wish I could take you back in time, David, but it's just too risky.

David: If I stay, those scientists will experiment on me like a guinea pig for the rest of my life.

Max: If I take you back in time, you could be vaporized. It's very risky, David.

David: Let's do it.

David: [trying to find his family's new home] Can't you give me a signal in the air to go by?

Jeff Freeman, 16 Years: If I have to set the house on fire, you'll find it.

David: [about his adventure with MAX] My friends will never believe this!

[somberly]

David: Oh right, my friends are all 20, and I'm still 12.

Charlie: Why don't you ask him yourself?

Sasha: Now that would be a miracle.

Charlie: One miracle coming up.

[disappears by taking off the collar and reappears in front of Sasha and kisses her, his miracle goes into her]

Sasha: Ugh! Of all the arrogant, presumptuous, egotistical mutts I've ever met!

David: Ahh! Now you talk.

[Sasha puts her paw over her mouth]

David: You must be an angel.

Claire: [after David reconciles with his dad and stepmom] I've been worried sick about you.

David: You were worried about me?

Claire: [smiles] Of course. Having this baby doesn't mean I don't love you.

David: [hugs her] I know that now... mom.

Claire: Honey, we're a family.

Thom: That's right - just a bigger one.

David: [as they walk in the house] Dad? Mom? Speaking of bigger families, do you think we have room for a pet or two?

David: Come with me to the sanctuary at Nob. We have a covenant of friendship between us.

Jonathan: I also have a covenant of honor between my father and myself. I would lay down my life for you willingly, but I cannot break faith with my father *or* with you. You have the love of One far greater than I

[the Lord of Hosts]

Jonathan: to care for you. My father has no one.

Abner: ...Who are you, David ben Jesse, to shout down at the King of Israel?

David: Who are *you*, Abner ben Ner, to call yourself commander of the king's army? Why did you not keep watch over my lord the king while he slept? Where is the king's sword that was by his side?

[holds it up]

David: Here, in the hands of a man he calls his enemy.

Absalom: [at the palace of Akiss, king of the Philistines] ... My master wishes to see King Akiss.

Akiss's Captain: He is Israelite?

Absalom: He is mad.

Akiss's Captain: Therefore Israelite.

[laughs and permits them to enter]

King Akiss: I apologize for the necessity of your performance, but in our country, madmen are held to be sacred. Grasp that and you have perhaps grasped the very essence of religion... Another Samson? Absalom, I would be obliged if you were to keep well away from those pillars, hmm? Youth is no barrier to strength, as you yourself so ably demonstrated, David.

David: God's victory, not mine. I was but the means to His end.

King Akiss: Of Goliath, perhaps. It's the motive of your God that seems less clear. If He can deliver you from a giant, why can He not free you of Saul?

David: If you grant us refuge, He will have done so.

King Akiss: What about the god in whose temple you stand? Will not Dagon deserve some measure of thanks? Hmm?

David: It's you who will have cause to thank him, for we shall be yours to command against any enemy you choose to name.

King Akiss: Except Saul, of course.

David: I cannot raise my hand against the Lord's annointed king.

King Akiss: He's very ready to raise his hand against you, hmm?

David: He could no sooner rid himself of me than I could ever bring myself to kill him.

King Akiss: To love one's enemy is a fine sentiment... but for a poet, not for a king.

Young Solomon: ...Who is Absalom, father?

David: A boy who was once like you.

Young Solomon: Is he your enemy?

David: [thinks before answering] ... Perhaps I am his enemy, but he could never be mine.

Joab: ...Every day, he

[Absalom]

Joab: stands in the marketplace, preaching to the people and stealing their affections. The rabble are flocking to his side, David. Some say he's planning a rebellion. I would've thought that was obvious! Absalom is a traitor who must be dealt with...

David: Absalom is MY SON! Any man who dares to call the king's son a traitor, without the evidence to support such a claim, shall himself meet the fate of a traitor... by my own hand!

Joab: I am giving you the evidence.

David: "Some say" is not evidence.

Joab: Your love blinds you, my friend.

David: What God chooses to give us, we cannot refuse.

David: You can't lose 'em all.

David: Would you marry me?

Gillian: Well, it wouldn't be very practical, David.

David: Practical? No, of course not. Of course not. But then neither am I, Gillian. Neither am I. I'm not very practical at all.

Sylvia: You'll miss the plane!

Gillian: It's sweet of you, David. I don't know what to say.

David: The stars, Gillian darling! Ask the stars!

[repeated line]

David: It's a mystery.

Gillian: How do you feel?

David: I'm shocked, stunned and amazed.

David: It's a tough game, isn't it Roger?

Roger: It's a bloodsport.

Cecil Parkes: Rachmaninov? Are you sure?

David: Kind of. I'm not really sure about anything.

Cecil Parkes: The Rach 3. It's monumental.

David: It's a mountain. The hardest piece you could everest play.

Cecil Parkes: No one's ever been mad enough to attempt the Rach Three.

David: Am I mad enough, professor? Am I?

Shaun: David, kill the Queen!

David: What?

Shaun: The jukebox!

Liz: Shaun?

Shaun: Yeah?

Liz: You see what I'm saying?

Shaun: Yep, totally.

Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.

Shaun: I know.

Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.

[Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an arcade game]

Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.

Ed: It's all right.

Liz: It would just be nice if we could...

Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!

Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...

Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!

Liz: ...just the two of us.

Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!

Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.

Shaun: What do you mean?

Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?

Shaun: No, what does "exacerbate" mean?

Liz: It means um, to make things worse.

Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.

[Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]

Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.

David, Dianne: [together] It's all right.

Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.

Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?

David: I'm not staying here.

Liz: David, don't, that's suicide.

Ed: I think you should go.

[Shaun has just fought a zombie unassisted]

Shaun: [sarcastically] Feel free to step in any time!

Ed: You did all right.

David: I didn't want to cramp your style.

Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs.

David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?

Ed: We could get a round in.

David: You still haven't met his mum?

Shaun: Not yet!

Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?

Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her...

David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?

Shaun: No! I love my mum!

Ed: I love his mum too.

Shaun: Ed!

Ed: [singing] She's like butter!

Shaun: Ed!

[after Shaun gets shouted at by Liz]

David: Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun

Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her if you love her so much?

David: What do you mean by that?

[storms off]

David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that.

[uncomfortable silence]

Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There!

Shaun: Where?

Ed: Three o'clock!

Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve.

Shaun: What?

David: Eleven forty-five!

Shaun: Keep it simple!

Ed: Top left!

Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!

David: I'm not a chartered accountant!

Shaun: Well, you look like one!

Ed: YEAH!

David: I'm a lecturer.

Shaun: You're a twat!

Ed: YEAH!

[David discovers that the zombies have somehow made it into the bar. Shaun, Ed and Liz are still beating the barman]

Shaun: Why is Queen still playing?

David: Ah, we have a situation here.

Shaun: I KNOW!

David: For a hero, you're quite a hypocrite!

David: What are we going to eat?

Dianne: Toasties!

Ed: There's a Breville out back.

David: Great. Saved by nibbles.

David: [Points a gun at Shaun's mother Barbara]

Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!

Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.

David, Mark: [formally] Hello.

Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!

Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.

Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.

Hotel Manager: Now have you thought of what animal you'd like to be if you end up alone?

David: Yes. A lobster.

Hotel Manager: Why a lobster?

David: Because lobsters live for over one hundred years, are blue-blooded like aristocrats, and stay fertile all their lives. I also like the sea very much.

Loner Leader: Where were you? I was looking for you.

David: I was masturbating behind those trees over there.

Loner Leader: Can you imagine why I brought you to this quiet place today?

David: No.

Loner Leader: Because I think it's the perfect spot for your grave.

David: [as the Biscuit Woman screams in pain in the distance] What happened?

Heartless Woman: She jumped from the window from 180. There is blood and biscuits everywhere.

David: I hope she dies right away.

David: [he pauses] On second thought, I hope she suffers quite a bit before she dies. I just hope her pathetic screams can't be heard from my room, because I was thinking about having a lie down, and I need peace and quiet. I was playing golf, and the last thing I need is some woman dying slowly and loudly.

Short Sighted Woman: Kiwi.

David: That's right, ten out of ten again. Can I give you a kiss?

David: I'm going to do it with a knife.

Short Sighted Woman: Do you want me to come with you?

David: I'd rather you didn't.

Short Sighted Woman: Don't worry. It's strange at first but then you'll get used to it. The other senses are heightened, touch for example, and hearing.

David: I know... I won't be long.

David: What blood type are you?

David: The last thing I want right now is a kiss from a silly little girl.

[He kicks Elizabeth's left shin]

Nosebleed Woman: Come on, move away.

David: Don't cry Elizabeth, you should thank me. Now you'll have a limp and be more like your father.

[Heartless woman fakes to choke on an olive, but David doesn't help]

Heartless Woman: I think we are a match.

David: Yes, I think so too.

David: Are you short sighted?

Loner Swimmer: No.

David: You're lying.

Loner Swimmer: It's the truth.

David: [shows him the chain of his sidebag] What does it say here?

Loner Swimmer: YKK.

David: You knew that already. All zips say the same thing.

Cal: You're gay, now?

David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.

Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."

David: You're gay for saying that.

Cal: I'm gay for saying that?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?

David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: You like Coldplay.

David: [to a shirtless Andy, who has an incredibly hairy chest] I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: Your dick tastes like shit.

Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.

David: What?

David: Hey, Paula.

Paula: Yeah?

David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD that you've been playing for two years straight off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.

Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?

David: I don't care. Anything. I would rather... I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.

Paula: You're such a smartass. Get back on the floor.

[Paula walks away]

David: [cough-mutters] Ah-fuck you!

Andy Stitzer: Take your porn with you.

David: I'm not taking it.

Andy Stitzer: [following David to the front door] Take your box o' porn!

David: It's my gift to you.

Andy Stitzer: No, I don't want it. David it's not... just... just...

David: [shouting] Andy for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!

Andy Stitzer: No no no, just- Come on man! So uncool!

David: No...

[continues shouting]

David: Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!

David: You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".

Cal: You know how I know you're gay?

David: How?

Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".

Cal: That's gay?

David: [loses his second "Mortal Kombat" match] Goddamn it!

Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body.

[David's character explodes]

Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!

David: Aww...

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."

Cal: That's gay?

David: I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.

Andy Stitzer: Well, why don't you get her back right now?

David: Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.

Andy Stitzer: It sounds horrible.

David: Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.

David: [the same Michael McDonald sampler DVD has been playing on all of the television screens for the last two years] If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground.

Andy Stitzer: Wow, this place is crowded.

David: Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night.

David: [watching The Bourne Identity] Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!

Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.

David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...

Andy Stitzer: That's nice.

David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.

Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.

David: [David talking about his ex girlfriend] Yeah... she's adorable... fuckin' bitch.

Smart Tech Customer: [points to a TV playing a Michael McDonald DVD] If I get the set, will you throw in the DVD?

David: Tell you what. You *don't* get the set and I'll throw in the DVD.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.

David: Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.

Andy Stitzer: [motioning to David's box of porn] I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.

David: What, masturbate?

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

David: Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. Are you kidding me? Why not?

Andy Stitzer: It's not a hobby of mine.

David: Well, then, that's the only hobby you don't have.

David: Remember that time we made love and you just started crying in my arms?

Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! It's so creepy.

David: I want to take you to Paris and make love to you under the Eiffel Tower.

Amy: Stop it!

David: Stop what?

Amy: This whole Paris thing! I've been broken up with you for, like, two years, man. I don't want to date you anymore!

David: You're a whore.

Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!

David: [grinning] Ha... this is so us.

Amy: Heh heh heh... psycho talk.

Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.

David: Oh, drag, dude.

Cal: She's picking you up from here?

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

Cal: That's fucked up, man.

Andy Stitzer: Why?

Cal: Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.

Andy Stitzer: So what?

Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Andy Stitzer: Okay.

Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?

Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.

Cal: Why do you have that?

Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.

Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

Andy Stitzer: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?

Andy Stitzer: They did not laugh at me.

David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy Stitzer: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?

Cal: First, you relax, okay?

Andy Stitzer: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

[Trish shows up at Andy's door and the entire apartment looks abandoned]

David: [of his ex] Yeah... she was adorable... fuckin' bitch.

Andy Stitzer: Ow! That one hurt just as much as the first one!

David: That's great, man!

Andy Stitzer: I'm not a big ho-runner.

David: My uncle used to drive a ho-runner.

Haziz: [David is speaking to Andy] Hey, Will and Grace. Back to work!

David: Hey, Haziz, could you give us a minute? We're kind of in the middle of something here.

Haziz: Hey. I'm on my break.

David: Fuck off, Haziz. Leave us alone, will you?

Haziz: Fuck off? Fuck you!

David: Fuck you!

Haziz: Fuck you.

David: Fuck off!

Haziz: Fuck off.

David: I'm gonna kick you in the nuts, asshole.

Haziz: Hey, hey, hey! Watch the language, okay? I have a family.

David: Watch how you talk to me!

Haziz: Hey, Bambi, it's a free country. I can smoke out here if I want.

David: Smoke my pole!

Haziz: You are a very unkind man!

David: Get inside!

Haziz: [heading inside] This is not professional! Paula! This asshole over here... Paula!

David: I just want to get drunk, *fucked up*, and play some cards!

[from the deleted scene]

David: Know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How am I gay?

David: You've seen Rent *three* times.

David: Did you just flick me in the balls?

Cal: No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.

David: Here it is - Boner Jams '03. It's a mixtape of all my favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2003.

David: I dated this woman... wait. Lemme rephrase that. I dated this whore for like two years... and she stomped all over my heart.

David: [referring to a sonogram] It looks like the Doppler radar.

[Elle sees David the geek trying unsuccessfully to get a date with two lovely girls, who mock him, and decides to help by making the girls think she dated David]

Elle: Excuse me.

[Elle turns around and slaps David]

Elle: Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.

David: [pause] I'm sorry?

Elle: Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?

David: Both?

Elle: Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.

[Elle walks away, and the girls change their mind about him]

Girl: So, when did you wanna go out?

Sara: He scares me.

David: He's a two-star Michelin chef. He's supposed to be scary.

Sara: Well, "two" doesn't seem like many.

David: To get even one Michelin star, you have to be like Luke Skywalker. Okay? To get two, you have to be... whoever Alec Guinness was. But if you manage to get three... you're Yoda.

Sara: Well, what if he's Darth Vader?

David: How are those maggots?

Michael Emerson: Huh?

David: Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?

David: They're only noodles Michael.

David: It is too late, my blood is in your veins.

Michael Emerson: So is mine!

David: Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed!

David: What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?

David: [offering Michael a drink of blood] Come on, be one of us.

David: Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going on?

Marko: I don't know. What's going on, Paul?

Paul: Wait a minute. Who wants to know?

Dwayne: Michael wants to know.

David: Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club!

Michael Emerson: I can't beat your bike.

David: You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up.

[trying to get arrested in Trafalgar Square]

David: Queen Elizabeth is a man! Prince Charles is a faggot! Winston Churchill was full of shit! Shakespeare's French!

David: I will not be threatened by a walking meat loaf!

Jack: It's a full moon...

Jack, David: [remembering the warning they received] Beware the moon...

David: And stick to the road. Oops.

Jack: I vote we go back to the Slaughtered Lamb.

David: [while transforming] I didn't mean to call you a meat loaf, Jack!

David: Nurse!

Jack: Listen to me!

David: [crying] Nurse!

Jack: The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It's boring! I'm lonely! Kill yourself, David, before you kill others.

[David continues crying]

Jack: Please don't cry.

Jack: Now, I'm really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you.

David: Warn me?

Jack: We were attacked by a werewolf.

David: [putting his hands over his ears] I'm not listening to this!

Jack: On the moors, we were attacked by a lycanthrope, a werewolf. I was murdered, an unnatural death, and now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted.

David: Shut up!

Jack: The wolf's bloodline must be severed; the last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. It's you, David.

Jack: Did you hear that?

David: I heard that.

Jack: What was it?

David: Could be a lot of things.

Jack: Yeah?

David: A coyote.

Jack: There aren't any coyotes in England.

David: The Hound of the Baskervilles.

Jack: Pecos Bill.

David: Heathcliff.

Jack: Heathcliff didn't howl!

David: No, but he was on the moors.

[still discussing how David can kill himself in order to lift the curse]

Harry Berman: A gun is good.

Judith Browns: You just put the gun to your forehead and pull the trigger.

Gerald Bringsley: If you put it in your mouth, then you'd be sure not to miss.

David: Thank you, you're all so thoughtful.

Jack: [describing his funeral] Debbie Klein cried a lot. So, so, you know what she does? She's soooo grief-stricken, she runs to find solace in Mark Levine's bed.

David: Mark... Levine?

Jack: An asshole! Life mocks me even in death!

Taxi Driver: Puts you in mind of the days of the old demon barber of Fleet Street, don't it?

Alex: Sorry?

Taxi Driver: The murders.

David: What murders?

Taxi Driver: Haven't you heard? Last night... six of 'em. All in different parts of the city, all mutilated. He must be a real right maniac, this fella.

Jack: David, you are hurting my feelings!

David: Hurting your feelings? Has it occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you arise from the grave to visit me?

[first lines]

Truck Driver: That way is Proctor, and over here is the moors. I go this way.

Jack: Thanks for the ride, sir. You have lovely sheep.

Truck Driver: Boys, keep off the moors, stick to the roads. The best to ya...

David: Thanks again.

[then to the sheep]

David: We'll miss you.

David: Bye girls...

David: How could there have been witnesses? It was so dark. We were running, and I fell and Jack went to help me up, and this thing came from nowhere. I don't know what they're talking about.

David: I'm going to the police. Jack was right.

Alex: Jack is dead!

David: Jack is dead and six people are dead. There's gonna be a full moon tonight. I'm going to the cops.

Alex: David, please be rational. Let's go to Dr. Hirsch.

David: Yeah, be rational, sure. I'm a fucking werewolf, for Christ's sake!

David: I'm a werewolf.

Alex: Are you alright?

David: I don't know, I'll let you know the next full moon.

David: [sees Jack in bathroom mirror and screams] You're not real!

Jack: Ah, dont be a putz David, come here. A nurse huh.?

David: [close's door] shhh, come on.

[to Jack]

David: what are you doing here?

Jack: I wanted to see you

[picks up Mickey mouse figure; high pitched]

Jack: Hi, David.

David: Put that down! Ok you've seen me now go away.

Jack: I'm sorry I'm upsetting you David, but you don't understand what's going on.

David: I understand all right, you're one of the undead and I'm a werewolf.

Jack: Yes, that's right.

David: Get out of here Jack.

Jack: Tomorrow night's the full moon, you're gonna change you'll become...

David: I know, I know... A monster.

Jack: You gotta kill yourself David, before it's too late.

David: Are you really dead Jack?

Jack: What do you think?

David: I think I've lost my mind i think you're not, I think you're just another part of bad dream.

Jack: You've gotta believe me David.

David: Believe what?, that tomorrow night under the full moon I'll grow hair and fang's and eat people, bullshit!

Jack: Oh goddamnit David please believe me!, you'll kill and make others like me I'm not having a nice time here. You gotta take your own life.

David: I will not accept this, go away!

Jack: This is not pretend David.

David: I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf.

David: Maybe it's a sheep dog... let's keep going.

David: [to himself] I'm going completely crazy.

David: Maybe its a sheep dog... lets keep going

[Charles is translating what his brother David is saying about Carrie in sign language]

David: [signing] Beautiful breasts.

Charles: Err, he says, "That's a beautiful place. Hilly."

David: How are you doing?

Charles: You remember the time you started dad's boat and the propeller cut my leg to shreds?

David: Yeah?

Charles: This is worse.

[Charles and David are conversing in sign language with Carrie present]

Charles: We were buying her a wedding dress.

David: Pathetic excuse. Who's she marrying?

Charles: Some total penis.

David: What is it about penises that they get such great wives?

Austin: Sam! Okay, I know you think that I'm just some...

Sam: Coward? Phony?

Austin: Okay, just listen.

Sam: No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you that I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was, but I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I really don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for.

David: Heads up! Yo, five minutes.

Austin: I'm coming!

Sam: I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.

[walks away]

Austin: SAM!

[punches locker]

David: [Austin is sticking ads everywhere to find his Cinderella] Dude, why are you going through all this trouble for one chick?

Austin: Look, she's not just some chick, all right? She was real.

Ryan: Real. Like, she still had her old nose?

Austin: No, real. The kind of girl who has more on her mind than what she wears, or how much weight she wants to lose. She listens to me, you know?

David: Listens yo you? Hey, brother, I listen to you, okay? I feel your pa...

[gets distracted by a girl passing by, then talks to the girl]

David: ...Hello, kitty!

Austin: Yeah, you're a great listener.

David: Well...

Ryan: Look, man, you found her cellphone. You just gotta get some clue from that.

Austin: The phone's locked. All I keep getting's these text messages like, "I need you", and "Come see me now."

David: Oh dude, it's so hot.

Austin: See, that's what I thought. Until I got one that said, "Come fix fryer".

David: Oh, dude, that's hot AND kinky, baby! You know what I'm saying? Can I get one? Let me get a pound, baby.

Austin: [looks at David disapprovingly]

Madison: I already ate.

David: Madison, laxatives don't qualify as a food group. Surprised you didn't know that.

Austin: What up, guys?

David: What up.

Ryan: Sorry about your costume you lost, Austin.

Austin: It's all good, my friends.

David: No, it's not all good, bro. Now we don't get to be the Three Musketeers. You get to be Prince Charming, and we're the two wimps in wigs.

Austin: [laughs]

Madison: Eww! Stalkerazzi at 3 o'clock.

Shelby: Ugh.

[through megaphone]

Shelby: The White zone is for cool people only. No geeks!

David: Hey, uh, Diner Girl; can I get a breakfast burrito to go? Thank you.

David: David:

[panicked]

David: Fire! Fire! Fire!

[gets to the fire station]

David: Fire! Fire! Fire!

[finds the firemen]

David: Fire!

[nobody moves]

David: Fire!

[they look weirdly at him]

David: FIRE!

[still no movement]

David: Cat...?

[everybody gets on their feet]

David's Mom: When your father was here, I used to think, "This was it. This is the way it was always going to be. I had the right house. I had the right car. I had the right life."

David: There is no right house. There is no right car.

David's Mom: God, my face must be a mess.

David: It looks great.

David's Mom: Honey, it's really sweet of you, but I'm sure it does not look "great."

David: Sure it does. Come here.

David's Mom: I'm 40 years old. I mean, it's not supposed to be like this.

David: It's not supposed to be anything. Hold still.

David's Mom: How'd you get so smart all of a sudden?

David: [long slow smile] I had a good day.

Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] You're out of order!

David: Why am I out of order?

[approaches Big Bob]

Big Bob: Because I'm not gonna let you turn this courtroom into a circus!

David: Well, I don't think it's a circus, and I don't think they do, either.

[David turns to look at the crowd, where many of the black-and-white people are changing into color. There are gasps and murmurs. Jennifer grins]

Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] This behavior must stop at once.

David: But see? That's just the point! It can't stop at once, because it's in you, and you can't stop something that's inside you.

Big Bob: It is not inside *me*!

David: [amused] Oh, sure it is.

Big Bob: No, it is not!

David: [Leans forward and speaks confidentially with a mischievous grin] What do you want to do to me right now? Come on. Everyone is turning colors. Kids are making out in the street. No one is getting their dinner.

[Raises his voice for all to hear]

David: Hell, you could have a flood any minute! Pretty soon, the women could be going off to work, while the men stayed at home and cooked!

Big Bob: That is not going to happen!

David: [with defiant delight] But it *could* happen!

Big Bob: [enraged] *No, it could not!*

[Big Bob suddenly turns pink, and David grins victoriously]

Jennifer: Hey, can I ask you a question?

David: Sure.

Jennifer: How come I'm still in black and white?

David: What?

Jennifer: I've had, like, ten times as much sex as the rest of these girls, and I still look like this. I mean, they spend, like, an hour in the back seat of some car and all of a sudden they're in Technicolor?

David: I don't know. Maybe it's not just the sex.

TV Repairman: Hey - who did Muffin take to the Masquerade Ball when her date came down with the measles?

David: Her father.

TV Repairman: That's right! And how'd she dress him?

David: As Prince Charming.

TV Repairman: Nice! Remember the one where Bud lost his cousin when he was supposed to be watching him?

David: Yep.

TV Repairman: What department store did they go to?

David: MacIntyre's.

TV Repairman: McGinty's.

David: No! MacIntyre's! Remember?

[sings a jingle]

David: "For the very best in men's attire, head right down to MacIntyre's."

[smiles proudly]

TV Repairman: That's right.

[Looks consideringly at David]

TV Repairman: Listen, uh, why don't you take this remote instead? It's got a little more oomph in it.

David: Oomph?

TV Repairman: Sure! Big beautiful set like that? You want something'll put you right in the show.

[as David takes the remote control, the room fills with supernatural flashes of lightning and a rumble of thunder]

Jennifer: This place gives me the creeps! Did you know that the books are blank?

David: What?

Jennifer: Yeah, I was in the library and I looked, and they have covers and there's nothing inside of them.

David: What were you doing in a library?

Jennifer: I got lost.

David: They're happy like this.

Jennifer: No, David. Nobody's happy in a poodle skirt and a sweater set.

Skip: Hiya, Bud!

David: Hiya, Skip!

Skip: Hiya, Bud!

David: Hiya, Skip!

Skip: Bud, can I ask you a question?

David: Sure.

Skip: Well, if I was to go up to your sister... What I mean is, if I was to go up to Mary Sue...

David: Oh my God... are we in that episode?

[first lines]

[David is gazing admiringly at a pretty blonde girl]

David: *Hi*

[chuckles]

David: I mean, Hi. Uh, look, you probably don't think I should be asking you this. I mean, not knowing you well and all? I mean, you know, I, I, I know you, 'cause everybody knows you. I just don't know you technically. Uh, anyhow. Uh, I don't know what you're doing this weekend, but my mom's leaving town, and she's letting me borrow the car.

[the camera pulls back to show that the girl is standing several dozen feet away and, in fact, is smiling and looking at another boy]

David: [Looks down at the ground, disappointed with himself, but still keeping his tone cheerful] Okey-dokey, so, just give me a call; let me know. Bye!

[David and Howard are eating lunch at school and studying for the "Pleasantville" Trivia Competition]

Howard: Okay, in the very first "Pleasantville" episode, whose window did Bud break when he was playing with his father's golf clubs?

David: Easy: Mister Jenkins. What job did Mister Jenkins have?

[Howard doesn't know]

David: Salesman. What did Bud and Mary Sue name the cat they found in the gutter?

Howard: Scout?

David: Marmalade! All right, all right, here's one. Why did their parents come home early from their weekend at the lake?

[Howard doesn't know]

David: 'Cause Bud didn't answer the phone and they were worried about him.

Howard: Man. You're unbelievable. You'll win this thing for sure. When is it on?

David: Uh, marathon starts at 6:30, contest is tomorrow at noon.

Howard: A thousand bucks, huh? And it's on all night?

David: Well, of course it is, Howard. That's why they call it a marathon.

Skip: I'll see you at school, Mary Sue.

[Jennifer smiles as Skip drives away]

Jennifer: Who's that?

David: Skip Martin, captain of the basketball team.

Jennifer: Does he like me?

David: As a matter of fact, he does.

[Jennifer's smile turns slightly lecherous]

[David looks up from his job at the soda counter to see Jennifer determinedly leading Skip out of the place and down the sidewalk]

David: Oh, shit!

[He takes a flying jump-leap over the counter]

David: *Jennifer*!

David: Jennifer, stop!

[He chases Jennifer and Skip outside, to where Skip's car is already pulling away from the curb]

David: You can't do this, Jennifer! He doesn't exist! You can't do this to someone who doesn't exist!

Maltshop Guy: What's outside of Pleasantville?

David: Oh, it doesn't matter.

Margaret Henderson: What's outside of Pleasantville?

[pause]

David: There are some places that the road doesn't go in a circle. There are some places where the road keeps going.

Margaret Henderson: Keeps going?

David: Yeah, yeah. It just keeps going. It all keeps going.

George Parker: What happened? One minute, everything's fine... What went wrong?

David: Nothing went wrong. People change.

George Parker: People change?

David: Yeah, people change.

George Parker: Can they change back?

David: [grins] I don't know. I think it's harder.

David: Yeah, where's our lawyer?

Big Bob: Oh, I think we want to keep these proceedings as pleasant as possible.

David: I know you miss her, I mean, you told me you did. But maybe it's not just the cooking or the cleaning that you miss. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you can't even describe it. Maybe you only know it when it's gone. Maybe it's like there's a whole piece of you that's missing, too. Look at her, Dad. Doesn't she look pretty like that? Doesn't she look just as beautiful as the first time you met her? Do you really want her back the way she was? Doesn't she look wonderful? Now, don't you wish you could tell her that?

David: [on the phone] Well, he's not homeless, Howard, they just don't say where he lives. - Well, it's a silly question! - Because nobody's homeless in Pleasantville. 'Cause that's just not what it's like.

George Parker: You know, your mom went out.

David: Went out?

George Parker: Yeah. She went out for a little while.

David: When?

George Parker: Three days ago.

David: What can I get you two?

Skip: Well, Bud, I think I'll have my usual cheeseburger and a Cherry Coke.

Jennifer: Oh, I don't know Bud... I think I'll have a salad and an Evian water...

[Bud gives her a dirty look]

Jennifer: Cheeseburger it is!

Jennifer: And I still don't see why we're doing this!

David: Because we're supposed to be in school.

Jennifer: We're supposed to be at home, David. We're supposed to be in color!

David: [placatingly] Okay, okay, okay.

Jennifer: God!

Bill Johnson: ...Don't you think?

David: I think you should try not to think about that anymore.

David: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!... Cat?

David: You know, we didn't call for any TV repair.

TV Repairman: Well, that just makes it a lucky day for both of us!

[smiles, followed by silence]

Jennifer: You listen to me for just a minute! I don't know what you've done to us, but you better fix it!

David: Shhh!

Jennifer: Fast! I had a date with Mark Davis and I even bought new underwear!

Muriel: I can't stay married to you, David. I have to stop lying now. I've told so many lies... I don't love you.

David: I don't love you either, but I think I could like having you around.

David: What kind of person marries someone they don't know?

Muriel: You did.

David: I want to win. All my life I've wanted to win.

Muriel: Me too.

Muriel: Are you black?

David: What?

Buddy: Take off your clothes, I have a relaxing technique I want to show you, it will be good for you.

David: You wanna see me naked Buddy?

Buddy: Are you a homophobe Dave?

David: No, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-aphobe.

Kate: What makes you qualified to change the playlist?

David: What kind of qualifications did the last guy have?

Kate: This really isn't about the last guy, and who says it was a guy?

David: Okay, well...

Riff Raff: Is this a gram each? Cause it looks like maybe .8, .9.

David: Yeah, no, they're 20s, not grams. We're not in Europe, dude.

Riff Raff: [laughs] We're not in Europe.

David: Hey, this is David Shapiro. I lost my job, so I sell weed now. This is my weed number. Text me if you need, please. I deliver.

David: The inedible candy that you love so much.

Kate: I love it.

David: Oh, and could you just tell the front desk that if my mum calls, to just, you know, tell her that I stepped out to lunch or something?

David's Boss: Just for today?

David: No, I mean, probably for, like, six months or so until I get a new job...

David: Emma... Will you marry me?

Emma: Won't you wanna wait and see if I get my figure back?

David: If you stay flabby, I promise I'll get flabby as well.

Emma: Wonder if that's the first time the word "flabby" has been used in a marriage proposal.

[she kisses him]

David: Emma... I'm Starbuck.

Emma: [whispers angrily] Why are you always scamming? God, how could you think that a marriage proposal would excuse the fact that you're the father of 533 children? David! God! No, this... this is no longer your child!

David: I wanna be very clear on two points. The first point: I said I was going to change as quickly as possible, and I am doing that. I've had a chance to do a lot of thinking. A lot. And I've come to the conclusion that it's not anyone *but me* who can decide if I am a father or not. Not a judge, not my family, not Dr. Phil... And in the end, not you. In other words, no one but the father can decide if he is the father or not. And I, David Wozniak, am the father of this child. Now, the other reality that can't be changed, is the fact that I am Starbuck. Now, this obviously can be something frightening, since it's something totally new and no one on this planet has ever experienced it before. It's, uh, you know, it's it's... it is like the first steps on the moon. But despite a few drawbacks, I think that we can actually take away from this a tremendous amount of joy. Not to mention *vast amounts* of free babysitting. I don't know how this is gonna work out. Right now, me coming out and revealing who I am, I'm risking everything. I'm risking *all* for the well-being of my 533 kids. And I would think that you seeing me risk all should convince you that whatever happens, that no matter what turmoil this kid right here gets into, I will be there. Now, you asked me to have a life. Well, here it is. This is my life. Maybe a little bit strange. And a bit oversized. But it's my life. The second point...

Emma: That was a very long first point.

David: The first point was long. The second point... The marriage proposal was not a scam.

Emma: The second point was much shorter.

David: I need you in my life.

[Emma sighs before she leans in and kisses him again]

Emma: Promise me one day you'll take me to Venice.

David: Congratulations, "darling".

Brett: I had it. I had pitched the perfect game, and I had to screw the whole thing up. My mother saw the whole thing on TV.

David: She must have been surprised to find out that you had a male lover.

Brett: No. She said she always suspected it. She told me we would make a lovely couple.

David: And your kids?

Brett: They think it's cool.

David: You see what happens when the tofu hits the grill. Nothing. Exactly what happens when the tofu hits our taste buds.

Mikolaj: You know David, I love you like a son.

David: I am your son.

Mikolaj: Which is why I love you like a son.

David: Do your kids play professional basketball?

Brett: No, not to my knowledge but I will enquire. They don't tell me everything.

David: Yuck. Not my type. I'm so over that whole uniform thing.

David: Screw him. If I were you, I would take Jade get the hell outta Dodge and never look back.

David: [calls Jesse after watching the news on the murder of Needlenose] What the fuck?

Jesse: They think we're mass murderers!

David: Multiple murderers, actually. Mass murderers kill a whole lot of people at the same time, like at the post office.

Chief Warren Kincaid: So, I've heard a lot about you, David. I understand you're off to Princetown next fall.

David: Yes, sir.

Chief Warren Kincaid: What are you gonna study?

David: Theatre arts.

Chief Warren Kincaid: But on an athletic scholarship, right? Playing hockey?

David: Figure skating.

David: Oh Christ, it's Needlenose.

David: [Jade calls David from the motel] Hello?

Jade: David, it's me.

David: Jade. Where are you?

Jade: Niagara. The Honeymoon Suites Motel, which believe me is worse than it sounds.

David: Are you okay?

Jade: No, I'm married.

David: [in her office] We should do some prep work. You wanna order in?

Sydney Ellen Wade: Uh, I can't. I'm having dinner at the White House. So let's start early tomorrow morning, say 7:30?

David: Okay. I'm having lunch at the Kremlin, so we'll have to, you know, start even earlier than that.

Sydney Ellen Wade: Good night, David.

David: In order for me to catch the morning plane to Moscow.

Sydney Ellen Wade: Good night, David!

David: We should do some prep work. You want to order in?

Sydney Ellen Wade: I can't. I'm having dinner at the White House. So, let's start early tomorrow. Say, 7:30?

David: Okay. I'm, uh, having lunch at the Kremlin, so we'll have to, you know, start even earlier than that.

Sydney Ellen Wade: Good night, David.

David: In order for me to catch the morning plane to Moscow.

Sydney Ellen Wade: Good night, David!

Brodie: Hey David - I saw Uncle Albert washing your sheets this morning. You shit the bed or something?

David: Fuckin' devil-worshiper. I can't wait until my dad kicks you out on the streets and you've got to blow truck drivers for food like your psycho mum.

David: Oh Christ, it's my Satanist cousin, Brodie. Look at that ugly loner. I'm gonna make his life hell on earth.

Medina: Wow. That's really cool, David. Can you please take me home now?

David: I thought we'd take a drive or something.

Medina: It's hard to believe, but talking about bullying isn't really a turn on.

David: Go, travel the whole world real quick... so you could just see everything.

Joanne: I get to see my whole world at dinner tonight.

David: This all just feels like... something that happens to other people.

Gabe: Yeah well now, you're other people to other people.

David: I never realised your dad's name is actually Rod Stewart.

Gabe: Yeah, it's been... it's been very hard for him.

[to Paul, after questioning his decision to have his anus waxed]

David: Hey. I'm sorry I was an asshole about your butthole.

Camille: Hey, David, it's Camille. You know, when Dostoevsky was writing The Gambler, he signed a contract with his publisher saying that he would finish it in twenty-six days, and he did it, but he had the help of this young stenographer. This girl, she... she stayed with him and she helped him. And... afterwards they actually got married. Ha, isn't that cool? That's how he met his wife. Anyway I found this story in the preface for Crime and Punishment so I was thinking that... and, this would have to be between you and me, but... I was thinking that I could read the books and tell you what's going on and that way you could just focus on your music. But only if you're comfortable with this, and if you're not then you can just forget it, and you can quit, but if you are... then open this door.

David: Open... this door?

[crawls to his front door and opens it]

Camille: Okay, a deal's a deal.

David: Does this mean we're getting married?

Camille: I have a lot of reading to do...

Camille: Hi, I'm Camille.

David: Hi, I'm David.

David: Who cares?

Christine: I care. Just because you can remove yourself enough to feel superior to everyone doesn't mean I can.

[first lines]

Richard: So the corrugated metal not only reflects the beauty of the common, off-the-shelf material but also emphasizes the invisible line between the old and the new construction.

Christine: Wait. There'll be a line?

Richard: It's invisible.

David: Just let him finish.

Christine: Oh, sorry.

Brenda: This coke's kinda sweet. It's really good stuff.

David: The best.

Carmela: Come to me my big burrito!

David: Me?

Carmela: You are the only man I see. Come to Carmela.

David: What are you doing there, Victor?

Victor: Buzz off blimp.

Gary: Come on guys. There's probably nothing there to see anyway.

Victor: Oh yeah? I bet you guys wish you had what I have.

Gary: Four for Earl.

Earl: Four? Are you sure?

David: Half. Give him half.

Gary: Ok, we'll give you another half.

Earl: Gee, thanks guys!

David: The guy who's got the biggest tool, he's the one who wins the pool!

David: You were totally jealous, completely insecure and always certain that I was cheating on you.

Jordy: You *were* always cheating on me.

David: Yea, but you didn't know that.

David: We know why I'm cheating on my girlfriend, because I'm a piece of shit. But at least I know what I am and... and I'm honest with myself about it.

Jordy: Yeah, unfortunately, you're the only person you have the ability to be honest to.

David: The only reason that I lie to women is to protect them from being hurt.

David: So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?

Ray: Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.

David: I'm talking about Henry James, the author. Yeah? Well, this is where he lived and this is where he worked.

Ray: Where did he eat? I'm hungry. I don't care where he lived. I want to know where he ate.

Frenchy: I remember! "The Hair-ess", right?

David: The "H" is silent.

Frenchy: Oh, did he write that too?

David: So, you're her fighter?

Eddie 'Kid Natural' Scanlon: So, you're her husband?

David: Ex-husband.

Eddie 'Kid Natural' Scanlon: Well with a little luck I'll be her ex-fighter.

David: Dennis, can I just say one last thing about Mars? - which may be strange coming from a Science-Fiction writer - But right now, you and me here, put together entirely of atoms, sitting on this round rock with a core of liquid iron, held down by this force that seems to trouble you, called gravity, all the while spinning around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour and whizzing through the milkyway at 600,000 miles an hour in a universe that very well may be chasing its own tail at the speed of light; And admist all this frantic activity, fully cognisant of our own eminent demise - which is our own pretty way of saying we all know we're gonna die - We reach out to one another. Sometimes for the sake of entity, sometimes for reasons you're not old enough to understand yet, but a lot of the time we just reach out and expect nothing in return. Isn't that strange? Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird enough? The heck do ya need to be from Mars for?

David: [to Dennis] There's nothing you could do that will change the way I feel about you.

[from trailer]

David: Why did they send you here? You know, the Martians?

Dennis: To join a family and to learn human beingness.

[from trailer]

David: I don't want to bring another kid into this world. But how do you argue against loving one that's already here?

David: Isn't he wild?

Harlee: He's great, like a little Andy Warhol.

David: He has the same social skills, by the way.

Harlee: You know what I think it is?

David: What?

Harlee: He's an old soul.

David: What does that mean?

[pause]

David: Seriously.

Harlee: It just means he's figured it out.

David: Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human. For some reason Dennis and I reached out into the universe and found each other, Never really know how or why. And discovered that I can love an alien and he can love a creature. And thats weird enough for both of us.

[from trailer]

David: [as Dennis enters house for the first time] Just think of it as a bigger box...

[from trailer]

Dennis: Was I bad?

David: I don't care about any of that stuff. Look, this is just stuff.

[Drops a bowl]

Dennis: [Drops a bowl softly]

David: Come on! Break it like you mean it!

[Throws another bowl]

David: [Dennis throws some plates] Now that! Come on!

[from trailer]

David: I do know, there's no one on this planet that loves Dennis anymore than I do.

David: That's a good question, which is usually what adults say if they don't know the answer.

Dennis: [sharply points at a photo of David] Beware! I almost disney-graded you.

David: Disintegrate me? Why would you do that?

David: So what made you think that I would be a good match for a boy who spends most of his time in a box?

David: Hi. What's your name?

Esther: Esther.

David: Hi, Esther.

Esther: I know who you are.

David: You do?

Esther: You're the man who Sophie called about Dennis, but you don't want him 'cause your wife's dead.

David: Who told you that?

Esther: Dennis.

David: Are you a friend of his, or what?

Esther: No, he's a weirdo. He doesn't have any friends.

David: He doesn't? Where is he hanging out?

Esther: He's in the box. He doesn't come out until night.

David: Why does he do that?

Esther: The sun. He hates the sun.

David: Why does he hate the sun?

Esther: I don't know. Because he thinks it's too sunny?

David: Right.

David: Uh, listen, Chief, I, uh... I brought you some sunblock. Very strong stuff. SPF 45, that's sun protection factor, and uh, helps you against the ultraviolet rays, which are, you know, they call them the UV rays. Anyways, it's hypoallergenic and waterproof. I'll just leave it for you.

Liz: David, you're hysterical.

David: I know. See, everybody says, "Don't be hysterical." But I say, "Why not be hysterical?" Hysterical is the new calm. My wife dies, boom! I go out and I adopt a kid from Neptune. Should I just chill, or should I be hysterical? You tell me. I think hysteria is a way of life. It's a clothing line at least.

David: You know, what is so amazing about you is that you're right. You're always right. And you remember when you're right. And you never let anybody else forget it.

David: Just as a point of interest, what made you think I'd be a good match for a boy who spends most of his time in a box?

Sophie: He thinks he's from another planet.

David: [after having been kissed by Harlee for showing kindness to Dennis] What was that for?

Harlee: 'Cause they're giving medals to all the wrong guys.

David: You know what's really cool about baseball? You know what I love about baseball? Baseball is the only sport where you can fail 70 percent of the time and still be great. It's about trying hard and never, ever, ever givin' up. Just think about it. If you get a hit three out of every 10 times you're at bat, you're really good. If you do a little bit better than that... just a little bit better than that... maybe 3.2, 3.3 times... you're great, and you could be a star. And you're gonna make it to the Big Show. And if you do that on the Big Show... you're a superstar.

David: She alright?

Peter: She's still unconscious.

David: That's chlorophyll for you.

David: [as his brother takes his time crawling over to him] Hurry up for fuck's sake

David: [holding the farmer at bay by threatening to destroy his photos] Mad... mad... mad bastard... you stay there or she

[a photo of the farmer's wife]

David: gets it

David: I've got six bullets in this gun. One for her, one for myself. One for myself, and the rest for anyone who tries to stop me.

David: Poor girl, it's bad enough with Aunt Katherine and Robert. Now she's got that Dr. Kammer.

Nick Charles: Who's Dr. Kammer?

David: Oh, I don't know? He's some nut psychologist. He sits around and talks about her dreams by the hour. I get the creeps every time I look at him.

David: We should just kill her.

Ronnie: Sure.

Tom: But you gotta think about the kid, growing up without a mother. I wouldn't do that to a kid.

David: Well, it's better than growing up with that troll as your mother.

Tom: That's so true.

Ronnie: That's true.

Tom: Or we could kill *him*.

Ronnie: Ramone?

Tom: What? Dude. No, War... you don't kill a fucking baby. Ward.

David: She dead?

Ronnie: Yeah.

Tom: Oh, yeah.

Gina: Your hair looks great!

Amanda: You like it? I'm not sure.

Gina: Yeah! Really great.

David: Power tools in the garage?

Spootie: [after watching Dray arrive at Amber's house] Man, that girl is Persuasion!

David: You mean Caucasian. You are one ignorant ass, you know that?

Ma: Friend-friend, or euphemism-friend?

David: He used to be a euphemism, now he's just a friend.

Fang: Drink your juice yet?

David: No, why?

Fang: 'Peed in it.

[Viewing a small moon rock]

David: [sarcastically] That's it? Nice rock.

Guard: Move it, smartass!

David: Wait a minute. You like her, don't you?

Phillip: Emily? I don't think so.

David: Give it up, buddy; you're twelve.

Phillip: David, you got it so wrong.

David: Alright, then you won't be upset when I make my move.

Phillip: Of course not. But you're the one who should give it up. She's like in love with some middle-aged composer.

David: Why do you always turn away?

Emily Lindstrom: Because you're an idiot! I know about the accident, okay? Philip told me.

David: [to Emily] I would've told you eventually. Because, if you want to be close to someone, you can't keep secrets from them.

David: If you want to be close to somebody you can't keep secrets.

David: [to Philip] You were never supposed to tell a soul!

Phillip: Tell what?

Emily Lindstrom: [to David] He only told me so I would tell him a secret of my own.

Phillip: [to Emily] You promised you wouldn't tell anyone you knew! I trusted you.

David: So, this is my competition, huh?

Emily Lindstrom: What are you doing here?

David: I wanted a clue. I don't get you.

Emily Lindstrom: Well, what you see is what you get.

David: You don't even realize you're pretty, do you?

Emily Lindstrom: No... I mean... I'm not.

Mr. Harry Deever: I guess she's changed some huh?

[refering to David's wife]

David: Well, she's... changed a little.

Mr. Harry Deever: She once chased a dogcatcher half a mile with a baseball bat.

David: Well, she hasn't changed as much as you think.

Ann: If you had it all to do over again, would you still have married me?

David: Honestly, no.

David: I will never forget you in that little blue dress.

Ann: David, if you want your freedom, I don't want to be the kind of a wife who clings to her husband when she's not wanted.

David: Darling, I do want to be married to you. I love you. I worship you. I am used to you. How do we always get into these things?

Ann: If my only hold on you is that you're used to me?

David: Oh, darling, you've got the whole thing wrong. I don't know what I'd do without you. You are my little girl.

David: I'd give five bucks to see that cat take a sip of that soup.

David: Either our noses have changed or they've - built a livery stable around here somewhere.

Ann: It's not exactly Chanel 5.

David: Is Mama Lucy here?

Proprietor Lucy's: I'm Mama Lucy.

Ann: Eat your soup dear.

David: There's something wrong with that soup.

Ann: It's your imagination.

David: Why doesn't the cat eat the soup?

David: If you are referring to New Year's Eve, I don't think that that drunk had any right to pick up your garter and wave it around.

Ann: It wasn't my garter. I showed you both of my garters.

David: That was after you'd gone into the ladies room and gotten Julie's garters.

Ann: They were my garters!

David: They were Julie's garters!

Ann: How do you know they were Julie's garters?

David: I know they weren't *your* garters.

David: What does Gertrude got to do with camels?

Chuck Benson: She smokes 'em.

David: Isn't it a little crowded in here? Couldn't we go someplace where it was - quieter? Maybe a little darker?

Gertie: No, cookie. We'll go to one of them dark, romantic places later. We're eatin' first. You ever been here?

David: Oh, yes, often. That's why I wanted to go some place that was darker.

Gertie: I don't get it.

Jeff Custer: I envy you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I was in your shoes.

David: Yes, she's a great kid.

David: Darling, I have a little secret to tell you.

Ann: Oh, it's about time. What is it dear?

David: You're a great kid.

Ann: You were going to wait until...

David: Annie...

Ann: And then throw me aside like a squeezed lemon.

Harold - Taxi Driver: You ain't gonna catch her in anything. She's pretty foxy.

David: Oh, I don't know.

Harold - Taxi Driver: You know what we ought to do, you and me?

David: What?

Harold - Taxi Driver: Let's go to a bur-le-que show. This dame ain't gonna to nothin' this afternoon.

David: In the afternoon is when you catch them.

Harold - Taxi Driver: You're kiddin'. That's funny.

David: What is?

Harold - Taxi Driver: Where does my wife go every afternoon?

Mrs. Custer: This is Mr. Smith, Jefferson's partner. Miss Ann Krausheimer.

Ann: We met some time ago.

David: Yes. We know one another very well.

Mrs. Custer: Oh, of course, you've probably seen a great deal of her.

David: Yes, I have! A great deal!

David: Let me tell you something. I know of no finer compliment that I could pay to any girl than to tell you this. That when a man has been sitting across the breakfast table from the same woman for three solid years and still wants to marry her; well, she's quite a girl.

[first lines]

David: I need help!

Tom: I'll go.

Tony: David, guess who stopped smoking?

David: Who?

Tony: Your house!

Tony: We didn't tell you? We're having a party! We rented out the Adams. Yeah it has this whole 80's theme.

Robert: Yeah, so, you can just wear that really ugly shirt you always wear. And... you'll be 80's!

David: Oh I'd love to. But all my stuff burned down. In the big funny fire!

Serena: Life is too easy in Portland. People aren't tense enough.

David: You make me tense.

[First lines]

David: [narrating a dream sequence] I had this haunting dream. I thought that I was alone and that I always would be. And then I saw her.

[to the dream girl]

David: You're the one, the one I've been looking for.

[Both walk together on the beach]

David: So, what's your name?

Dream Woman: Anything you want it to be. What's yours?

David: I'm David.

Dream Woman: Aw fuck me. Really? You know what, I am so in the wrong dream. Yeah, I'm actually supposed to be meeting a...

David: Are you into... How...

Dream Woman: [shouts to a distant person] Hey! Are you Jeff?

[She runs and hugs Jeff]

David: [narrating] Breakups were so painful, especially the relationships that haven't even started.

David: Can you go anywhere without drinking?

Kat: Yeah, when I'm stoned.

David: [narrating] There's this theory that the universe doesn't just break up in the end, but there's actually a new universe growing inside of this one and eventually it'll just push the old one out of the way. Creation... constantly rewriting itself. I like that.

[cut to black screen. Fake end credits start]

Sara: What are they doing?

David: They're dancing!

David: Had I known it was going to feel this good to bash your brains in I would have done it a long time ago.

Kate: Do you know how long we've been dating?

David: You're kidding, right?

Kate: I'm asking you a question!

David: And you think this is the right time to ask a question like that?

Kate: [laughs] there's always some excuse for not wanting to talk about these things.

David: I think defending ourselves from a demon spirit that's now inhabiting your best friend's cousin ranks pretty damn high on the list of good excuses for not wanting to analyze our relationship right now. Could-could you hand me that loaded pipe so I can take care of this tall freak with the ax that's coming up the steps?

David: You know Julie means a lot to me. I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't met her.

Marc: Yeah, I can see that. I guess we'll never know though, right.

David: Yeah... I guess. Do you really wonder what it would be like if she had picked you.

Marc: Yeah sometimes. Not as much as if you'd picked me.

David: Julie couldn't have handled it.

David: You always want more. Why can't you just be happy.

David: He thinks that the need to keep score is for people who don't understand we're all one - completely connected. There is no you or me. That the need to dominate and win is an egoic thing. That if you transcend the ego, you will see there is no winning or losing. There is just what there is.

Wife: Cain, get that book mama's been working on.

David: You mean the "Breeder's Informational Book of Living Examples?

Wife: Yes, honey. But we call it the B.I.B.L.E. for short.

David: What are you writing it for?

Wife: We have to teach our descendants to hate the gays.

David: Do you think this book will be enough to warn them in the future? What if they don't believe it?

Wife: They'll believe anything they read. Five thousand years from now, they won't even know who wrote the damn thing!

David: [discussing his son] I mean, deep down he's a good kid.

Allison: He's actually a great kid.

Mr. Peersall: No, he's actually a selfish, incorrigible monster with a heart made out of shit and splinters.

[first lines]

David: Please, get me to a hospital. I can't breathe. I...

David: [Selling drugs]

[Eyes Nadine]

David: How much do you want for that foxy female?

Bob: Hey what do you think I am, some closet pimp? I've never heard such a violation of women's rights in all my life!

[pauses]

Bob: Just out of curiosity, how many bags of speed would you give me for this girl?

David: [Reaches his hand out to touch Nadine] I don't know...

Nadine: [Hits him] You little twerp, you touch me and I'll knock your block off!

Bob: Why don't you grow up?

David: I am growing up!

David: Pain. Pain is just a state of mind. It's something you learn to live with; I have.

Peter Sanderson: Computers... that's the way you got into Randall's Roxford's records... You can get into anything

David: Yes I can... Including your mind! I'm in there right now aren't I Peter? I'll always be with you no matter how disturbed I get

David: You think that I put you through some BIG ORDEAL? It is nothing compared to what you have caused me! In your eyes, I was just another small town boy to be crushed beneath the shoes of the great child genius.

Peter Sanderson: Nothing I could have done to you, nothing warrants what you did.

David: Pain is relative, remember. You can not judge mine.

Peter Sanderson: [as David moves forward] STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

David: You still haven't figured it out have you? Tell me Peter... do you still have scars? Scars from where I stabbed you with my fountain pen?

David: Please, I don't want to get into the psychological aspects of my actions. It would detract from the game.

Peter Sanderson: How?

David: I couldn't say it better than Huxley.

Peter Sanderson: Well, Huxley's quote also says, "for his play is always fair and just."

David: So, is mine within the framework of my rules.

David: You shouldn't have said those horrible things about me... you don't know what I am

Kathy Sheppard: [Last sympathetic lines] I'm sure your mommy knows that David... I'm sure she understands... I mean children make mistakes David... it's okay.

[pleading]

Kathy Sheppard: David... put down the knife now please David... just put down the knife... David... put down the knife please David?

David: [Last Lines] I... Can't...

David: Don't be scared, kid. Compared to this town, hell ain't a bad place to be.

[last lines]

Gretchen: Hey. What's going on?

David: Horrible accident. My neighbor, he got killed.

Gretchen: What happened?

David: Got smushed by a jet engine.

Gretchen: What was his name?

David: Donnie. Donnie Darko.

Gretchen: Hmm.

David: I feel bad for his family.

Gretchen: Yeah.

David: Did you know him?

Gretchen: No.

David: I'm so glad you're here. We have a lot to talk about. So much to say tonight.

David: Each one of us is on a journey and we feel it's important to be on this journey with the people you love.

David: It's too big for any of us alone.

Miguel: Will thinks you guys are on pills. Figuratively.

David: You think we're crazy?

Will: I-I never said that.

David: It's okay, I'm not offended. A lot of people think we're crazy. But I doubt they're as happy as we are.

[to Leila]

David: I've got a question for you. Have you ever had one man's dick in your ass and his friend's cock in your mouth?

Leila: David, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

David: Come here.

Leila: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I left your dad's house.

David: What? I can't understand you.

Leila: I'm sorry that I left your dad's house. I'm sorry that I left you. I'm sorry. I don't ever want to leave you again. I'm sorry... My, umm, my house is for sale...

David: What do you mean your house is for sale?

Leila: My parent's house is for sale and...

David: What - Calm down, what are you talking about?

Leila: Everything is fucking a mess... I need to be with you, I need to be with you. I love you. And I don't know what to do with it.

David: Ok...

Leila: My mom has this fucking apartment - I hate it. I just want to be with you. I just want to be with you. I just, I just wanna...

David: Leila...

Leila: I just...

David: Leila, look at me.

Leila: I just, I want you to know me.

David: Leila...

Leila: I want... I want...

David: Leila, look at me. Look at me. Look at me!

Leila: I want to never leave you again.

David: Leila, listen to me.

Leila: I don't want to hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you again.

David: I don't - wanna be with you. I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

Leila: But I have to keep seeing you...

David: I can't stop thinking about you. All day. All night. All I do is think about you, it's all I have left

[David takes Leila from behind, Leila gasps as they have sex]

David: Answer me. Tell me - tell me you feel the same way I do. Tell me you're never gonna leave me, promise me.

Leila: Never. Ever.

David: Promise me you're never gonna leave me.

Leila: Never.

David: Promise me.

Leila: Sure.

[they finish having sex, David lies down and rests his head on her back]

David: [weeps quietly; whispers:] I love you.

David: Listen, one more thing. Your hard drive is filthy, all right. We got your computer back. I mean, it is, it is, dirty. I'm talking like hoes, sluts, anal, double anal, penetration, inter racial facial, man. Cream pie. I don't even know what that is. Do you think it was your intern?

Brandon Sullivan: On my hard drive?

David: Yeah, someone's fucking with your account, man. And we're blowing our wad in cash, you know? It takes a really really sick fuck to spend all day on that shit.

David: He was crying. He was crying. There were tears coming down his face. I saw it. You made a grown man cry.

[last lines]

Diana: Have I ever told you I love you?

David: No.

Diana: I do.

David: Still?

Diana: Always.

David: I thought we were invincible. But now I know that the things that people in love do to each other, they remember. And if they stay together, it's not because they forget. It's because they forgive.

David: [while playing pool] I guess there's limits to what money can buy.

John: Not many.

Diana: Well some things aren't for sale.

John: Such as?

Diana: Well you can't buy people.

John: That's naive, Diana. I buy people every day.

Diana: In business, maybe, but you can't buy people not when real emotions are involved.

John: So you're saying you can't buy love? That's a bit of a cliché don't you think?

Diana: It's absolutely true.

John: Is it? What do you think?

David: I agree with Diana.

John: You do? Well let's test the cliché. Suppose... I were to offer you one million dollars for one night with your wife.

David: I'd assume you're kidding.

John: Let's pretend I'm not. What would you say?

Diana: He'd tell you to go to hell.

John: I didn't hear him.

David: I'd tell you to go to hell.

John: That's a reflex answer because you view the question as hypothetical. But let's say that there was real money backing it up. I'm not kidding. A million dollars. The night would come and go but the money could last a lifetime. Think of it. A million dollars. A lifetime of security... for one night. Don't answer right away. Just consider it; seriously?

David: We're positive, okay?

John: Well then you've proved your point. There are limits to what money can buy. It's late, and I hate to admit it, but I have meetings in the morning. May I have one dance? With your permission.

David: You know something? I think you better hurry on to that meeting. You don't want to miss out on your next billion.

John: Understood. I wouldn't part with her either. Good night.

[first lines]

David: [sitting on a pier] Losing Diana is like losing a part of me. I thought nothing could change the way we felt about each other. I thought we were invincible.

Diana: [riding in a bus] Someone once said, if you want something very badly, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. I knew one thing, I was David's to begin with, and he was mine.

David: I thought he was the better man. I know now he's not. Just got more money.

Jeremy: Davy, she says she doesn't want the money.

David: Well, I don't want the money either.

Jeremy: ...I'll take it. I mean, nobody else wants it.

Diana: Your pants are on fire.

David: You have no idea.

Diana: I would never do this for myself. It was all for you.

David: Don't lie to me! You were attracted to him!

David: [Narrating] I graduated from architecture school and got a job at a small firm. Diana helped support us by selling real estate. I spent all of my free time working on a design of my own, it summed up everything about architecture that really mattered to me, it was my dream house

John: [while playing pool] Where do you see yourself in let's say, ten years?

David: I wouldn't mind being a billionaire like yourself

John: I mean even beyond money, what would satisfy you completely? For you to sleep well at night?

David: You're saying you're not satisfied?

John: Who is?

Diana: [while watching them play] I am

John: Does she mean it?

David: I hope so

John: Well then you may not have won in Vegas but you're a lucky man because I have money and businesses and security you just have something I don't have.

David: [Narrating, referring their idea to construct and build the house David designed himself] it was brilliant even though I didn't understand a word of it. We had to tighten our belts because of the loan payments but it was our future and I got to build my dream house and then the recession hit. Construction fell to its lowest point in years, people were being laid off everywhere and I was one of them. I was desperate we stood to lose everything: the house I had building even our own home. I swallowed my pride and borrowed five thousand dollars from my father but it wasn't enough, we needed fifty thousand dollars

Jeremy: OK, David, before we go any further, let's get the moral issue out of the way.

David: Leave that to us.

Jeremy: No, I was referring to my fee. I get five percent.

David: Do you go to concerts?

Jenny: No. We don't believe in concerts.

David: Oh, I assure you, they're real.

Jenny: [Reading from envelopes she found in David's car] Mr. and Mrs. David Goldman. Mr. and Mrs. David Goldman. Mr. and Mrs. David- you're married!

David: Legally yes, but...

Jenny: When were you going to tell me?

David: Soon, it just never seemed like the right time. You seemed so happy, and I was happy...

Jenny: You were living with your wife all this time, around the corner! Byron Avenue. It's no wonder we kept bumping into each other, is it? What number?

David: 34. Don't be like this, come on.

Jenny: I have nothing. I didn't take my exams. I... I left school. Where's it all gone now?

[last lines]

Gen. Yevgraf Zhivago: Tonya! Can you play the balalaika?

David: Can she play? She's an artist!

Gen. Yevgraf Zhivago: Who taught you?

David: Nobody taught her!

Gen. Yevgraf Zhivago: Ah... then it's a gift.

David: [after having several flashbacks]

Emily: Can you see now, daddy?

David: [possessed] It's okay. Daddy's gone now.

Emily: Do you like her, Daddy?

David: Emily.

Emily: Charlie says you do.

David: Stop this.

Emily: Did Daddy tell you about my mommy?

David: I'm sure Elizabeth doesn't want to hear such things.

Emily: She killed herself. She slit her wrists and drowned in the bathtub. Let's hope you don't wind up like her.

Laura: It's going to be a real treat having both of you here.

David: I didn't even realize anyone else lived up here.

Laura: Well, it does get pretty quiet in the off season.

Emily: I have a new friend.

David: A new friend?

Emily: He told me to call him Charlie.

David: When did you meet Charlie?

Emily: Today.

David: When we went to town?

Emily: Just before that.

David: Is he here right now?

David: Emily, why would you do this?

[scene changes to bathtub lit with candles. A message on the tub wall in blood: You let her die]

Emily: It was Charlie.

David: Emily, did you have a part in this?

Emily: I can't tell you.

David: DID YOU HAVE A PART IN THIS?

Emily: I'm sorry. I can't tell you.

David: Emily, what's going on?

David: I don't want to be too forward, but I don't notice a lot of kids around and I'm trying to find other kids to have play dates with Emily.

David: You know Charlie doesn't exist.

Emily: You shouldn't say that.

David: Why not?

Emily: You're gonna make him mad.

David: What? Spaghetti and meatballs is your favorite dish.

[from trailer]

David: We're gonna move, out of state - country.

Katherine: What about Emily? This is a traumatic time for her. I think it's important she stays here and works through this.

David: No, here she's flooded with memories. Right now, I need to be a full-time dad.

[after hearing a noise at the front door at about 2am in the morning]

David: [tears open front door to see Mr. Haskins kneeling on porch]

Mr. Haskins: [bolts up] Dr. Calloway. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you at this hour.

[hands over small envelope]

Mr. Haskins: These are the keys to the individual rooms in the house. I thought you might be needing them. I meant to be give them to you earlier, but I forgot. I'm sorry.

David: [looks at the keys and then glares back at Mr. Haskins] It's a little bit late to be delivering keys, isn't it?

Mr. Haskins: Wife and I are going to Canada early in the morning, so I thought I'd just slip them under your door while it was still on my mind.

Steven: Dr. Callaway!

David: You. What are you doing here?

Steven: I heard some noises. I saw you come out of the woods with a shovel. Is everything all right?

David: No.

Steven: Is Emily all right?

David: You stay away from us.

Steven: I want to see her.

David: You stay away or I'm gonna call the cops.

Steven: I want to see her now.

David: You sick fuck.

[Steven is peering in through the windows]

David: [screaming] You stay away. You stay away. You get out of here.

David: [hugging Emily] I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. I'm so sorry, honey.

David: [possessed as Charlie] I can't help but sense a certain tension between us.

Emily: [too scared to answer]

David: What's the matter? Don't you want to play anymore? Don't you want to have fun?

Emily: [sniffles sadly and scaredly]

David: Hmm? You want your daddy back? Is that it? You like him more than me, don't you?

Emily: [quietly] No.

David: Oh. Liar.

Emily: [quietly] No. I'm not.

David: Yes you are. Liar, liar. You big fat liar.

Emily: [quietly] You killed mommy.

[wind whistles in the background]

[from deleted scene after David helped sheriff with problem]

Sheriff Hafferty: You still got that parking ticket?

David: Yeah. It's in the glove compartment.

Sheriff Hafferty: No it's not.

[bedtime one night]

David: Honey, where's Alex?

Emily: I don't like her anymore.

David: Did I just hear what I thought I heard?

Emily: Are you mad, Daddy?

David: No, I'm not mad at all, honey. I think it's great.

[about Charlie]

David: Is he... here right now?

Emily: I think he's sleeping.

David: Okay. Well, in that case, we better not wake him.

Emily: Can you see now, daddy?

David: [possessed] It's okay. Daddy's gone now.

David: So did you like Amy?

Emily: I don't need anymore friends.

David: Why did Charlie do that? Was it because of Elizabeth?

David: Somebody might come in here

Jessica: Guess you'd better fuck me fast.

David: Didn't you tell Sheriff Johnson, that you got scratched by the stray cat, because she didn't like when you killed her.

Donnie: Yeah, but I was lying. My wife was standing right there!

David: How do I know, you're not lying now?

Donnie: I'M NOT, GODDAMMIT!

Donnie: I asked her that myself one time. She said I was the only man in town that knew how to fuck.

David: You're disgusting.

Annie: My granny told me that I... I had a gift. That it runs in my family. And, she told me that I shouldn't be afraid of it. I should just always use my instinct and I'd... I'd be alright.

David: So you're swearing before this court that you didn't get your information about this tragedy from any other means than your special ability? Your "gift"?

Annie: Yes, Sir. I'm swearing that. Yes.

Annie: I got a warning today. I think somebody's gonna try and kill me.

David: So what do you want me to do?

Annie: I want you to reopen the case and find out who really did it.

David: There's a saying about letting sleeping dogs lie. You think you're in danger now? Look at it logically. The real danger begins if this case gets reopened and someone starts worrying that you're gonna have another one of your damn dreams.

Annie: All I know is the wrong man's in jail. I don't care how awful he is. And I helped put him there. I can't live with something like that. So you find a way to reopen this case, Sir. Or I will.

David: Martha died. She had a cardiac arrest.

Lilly: I'm afraid of dying.

David: I'm afraid of not doing anything while I'm still here.

Lilly: I don't think there's much chance of that.

David: No one buys ice cream on Tuesdays. What are you doing?

Lilly: No one takes boat tours on Tuesdays.

Lilly: I'm trying to tell you the truth. You hurt me.

David: So you had to hurt me back, right?

[chuckles]

David: You know, you really are full of shit. You keep this up, and there won't be anyone left to play with, you understand?

David: [to Lilly] I believe you want me to tell you things you already know.

Chelsea: [into a phone] So, what are you looking forward to? Do you have anything specific in mind?

David: [voice] Well... you know, after looking at your web site I'd just really love to get together with you. I'm just kind of feeling stressed out. I should probally see a shrink, but it seems more fun to see you.

Chelsea: Why don't you tell me about yourself? Are you married? Do you have kids? What kind of screenplay are you working on?

David: Yes and yes, and no comment.

Chelsea: How many kids do you have?

David: I have two little girls. Don't make me feel bad, though.

Chelsea: I woun't.

David: A red light case is a 50-50 proposition already.

[last lines]

David: Y'all just mad. Because today, you suckers got served. Served. Served. Served! Served!

[crowd takes up chant]

La La Vasquez: Oh my God! Oh my God! The Lil Saints have won $50,000! I'm La La! I'm out of here! Peace, y'all!

David: [David has been accused of ignoring his team for a girl] You know I don't roll like that!

Marty: Sorry dawg, but you do, man. You did with Dawn, you did it with Shondrella, and you did it with the triplets LaTeesha, LaTasha, LaToya...

[David honks his car horn to get Liyah and Beautifull's attention]

Beautifull: Who you blowing your horn at? We are ladies, OK? You are supposed to say, "Excuse me, miss."

Liyah: It's David.

Beautifull: I know.

David: Excuse me, Miss. How are you?

Beautifull: Now you see? That was much better.

Sancho: You're aiming at your superior!

David: No, I'm aiming at a lunatic and a drunk!

David: [Tommy's milking a cow] Hey, Tommy, watch the fingernails.

Tommy: Well, Christ, she's got tits the size of cucumbers. What do you expect?

Alice: Ahem. I don't know where he gets that language, I really don't.

Tommy: Think real hard, it'll come to you, lady.

David: So who's stoppin' ya?... Pack yer bags; I'll take you to Monterey... I don't give a damn about that ranch.

David: Come here, Marie. Come. Look in the mirror. You're beautiful. Perhaps even more than when we were together. But you've changed and I want you to see how. Now your eyes cast quick, calculating, side glances. You used to look ahead straightforwardly, openly, without disguise. Your mouth has a slightly hungry, dissatisfied expression. It used to be so soft. Your complexion is pale now. You wear makeup. Your fine, wide brow has four lines above each eye now. You can't see them in this light, but you can in the bright of day. You know what caused those lines?

Maria: No.

David: Indifference. And this fine contour from your ear to your chin is no longer so finely drawn - the result of too much comfort and laziness. And there, by the bridge of your nose. Why do you sneer so often? You see that? You sneer too often. You see it? And look under your eyes. The sharp, scarcely noticeable wrinkles from your boredom and impatience.

Maria: Can you really see all that there?

David: No, but I feel it when you kiss me.

Maria: I think you're joking with me. I know where you see it.

David: Where?

Maria: In yourself. Because you and I are so alike.

David: You mean in our selfishness, coldness and indifference?

Maria: You've changed. Is there someone else?

David: There always is. Besides, I thought the problem didn't interest you.

Maria: It doesn't.

David: How can you be sick? You have a mustache.

Marcus Sommers: So what are you doing now Davy?

David: [as Davy was watching an episode of Kung Fu] "I'm studying eastern philosophy and cowboy movies. The ying, the yang and the bang bang!" lol

David: Is that what I look like?

Sophie: To me, yes. That's my impression of you. That's why it's called impressionistic painting. So... What do you see when you look at it.

David: Me.

Sophie: Yes, that's not quite what I meant. You have to look at paintings diffently from the way you look at other things. More closely and see what it says to you.

[pause]

Sophie: Well... when I look at the boy in that painting, I see a very intelligent, very serious person, and a good person, but - there's something about the eyes and the face that seems lost and sad. But that's as far as I can see, because he doesn't want to let the world see any further.

David: Do you really see all that?

Sophie: [laughs] Yes. Yes, I do.

David: [holding Sopie's cat] She's so soft. And she's vibrating.

Sophie: She's purring, David.

David: Why do they hate us so much Johannes?

Johannes: Because it's easy to hate people who don't believe the same things you do.

David: I wish I were dead!

Johannes: Don't say that. Don't even think it.

David: Why not? There's nothing good here! What's the point of even staying alive?

Johannes: Because if you're alive you can change things. If you're dead you can't. Do whatever you can to stay alive, no matter what! Go.

David: Why do people do such terrible things?

Sophie: Like what?

David: Like beat people, and kill them, and make them prisoners.

Sophie: Most people don't do that, David.

David: My friend Johannes always used to tell me, "Trust no one."

Sophie: Oh, life wouldn't be worth living if you did that, David.

David: Johannes, I want to escape. You said that if we weren't dead we could change things. But how do you know they're going to let us live?

Johannes: We don't.

David: Then we should leave while we still can.

David: Please... don't turn me in.

Sophie: Turn you in to whom?

David: To them. To him. To anyone.

Sophie: I wouldn't dream of turning you in to anybody, for any reason. You're quite safe here, David. You're safe.

David: From the guards?

Sophie: From everybody.

David: Did I just smile at you?

Maria: Yes. How come?

David: I don't know.

Maria: Is it because you think I look funny?

David: No.

Maria: Then... maybe you love me.

Sophie: You've got a very interesting face. Would you mind if I painted it?

David: What color do you want to paint my face.

[last lines]

David: [arriving] I'm David.

David's Mother: I know.

[gentle hug]

Dawn: Why did we come here?

David: Because I want to do some good in a place where my dad was a tosser.

David: [tearfully to Dawn] I want you to be happy.

Nick: [holding a lettuce] What's this?

David: You buggered it last night.

Dawn: You were sleep-walking.

Nick: Shit. Haven't done that in a while.

David: What, buggered a lettuce?

David: One of my students is cutting herself.

Dawn: How do you know?

David: She told me. Such a shame, she's a bright kid.

Dawn: You have to report it.

David: I don't want to get into trouble. With her family, I mean.

Dawn: You have to tell someone, David, it's the law.

David: Yeah, well. Social services, bit of a mixed bag. Trust me.

Dawn: You frightened me earlier.

David: Sorry. It gets to me sometimes.

Dawn: I hardly know you, do I?

Fredrik: Father, I'm scared. When I was hugging Karin in the boat, reality was revealed. Do you know what I mean?

David: I do.

Fredrik: Reality was revealed, and I collapsed. It's like a dream. Anything can happen. Anything.

David: I know.

Fredrik: I can't live in this new world.

David: Yes, you can. But you must have a support.

Fredrik: What kind of support? You mean a God? Give me a proof of his existance. You can't.

David: I can. But you gotta pay attention to what I say.

Fredrik: Yes. I need to listen.

David: I can only tell you a thought of my own hopes. It is to know that love exists for real in the human world.

Fredrik: A sort of special love, I suppose?

David: All kinds of it. The bigger and the smaller, the most absurd one and the most sublime one. All kinds of love.

Fredrik: What about the desire for love?

David: Desire and denying. Trust and distrust.

Fredrik: Then love is the proof?

David: I don't know if love is the proof of God's existance or if it's God itself.

Fredrik: To you, love and God are the same thing.

David: That thought makes me feel less empty; Makes my desperation less worse.

Fredrik: Go on, dad.

David: All of a sudden, emptiness turns into abundance, and desperation turns into life. It's like a temporary death's sentence strike.

Fredrik: Dad... if it's like how you say it is, then God is all over Karin. We love her so much.

David: Yes.

Fredrik: Can't that help her?

David: I think so.

David: We draw a magic circle and shut out everything that doesn't agree with our secret games. Each time life breaks the circle, the games turn grey and ridiculous. Then we draw a new circle and build a new defense.

Karin: Poor little daddy.

David: Yes, poor little daddy, forced to live in reality.

David: Virility means more than health.

Martin: If Hemingway could, we can. Let's go!

David: Our son is going to be so proud of his beautiful and talented mother.

Lucy: Or maybe our daughter.

David: Then I'll have two amazing women in my life.

David: You know, it's weird. You would think when you live with somebody you would get to know them really well. But I feel like I've just become more acutely aware of how I don't know her at all. You know what I mean?

David: They don't ask me what companies I want to work for, okay?

Juliette: You're worried we had sex.

David: Did you?

David: Yes.

David: [takes out pomegranate] You can't bring this in.

Edward Saroyan: [endearingly] Please.

David: No fruit or vegetables, that includes pomegranates. it's on your form.

Edward Saroyan: I like to eat the seed of this fruit. One each day. For luck.

David: I'm sorry, that's not allowed.

[Mr Saroyan takes out his penknife and cuts the fruit open]

David: What are you doing?

Edward Saroyan: This way, I don't need to bring it in. I eat it here, at the gate of your country. Look

[takes a bite and nods agreeingly]

Edward Saroyan: So, I bring luck in my stomach. Will you try it?

David: There's no way of confirming that a single word that you've told me is true.

Mark Walsh: Two more days man.

David: Two more days, man, but no more.

Mark Walsh: Then we go, no questions asked.

David: I can't do this anymore, man!

David: Why do war zones always have such miserable food?

Mark Walsh: And you being a Scotsman, you'd know about cuisine would you?

David: Oh here we go...

Mark Walsh: Your entire menu looks like it was made in a fucking war zone!

David: These people have been launching offensives for, what, two centuries? Two centuries from now they'll still be launching them.

David: We elect the officers and everything. It's socialism in action - not like the army back home.

David: Revolutions are contagious.

David: You have a Dad?

Chris: Every once in a while.

Chris: Act like you own the place.

David: How will you act?

Chris: Like I just sold it to you.

Tony: I need the key for 042!

David: You can't get it, Elaine's not in.

Rupert: Where is she?

David: She's dealing with the raccoons, man.

Jóhann: You want to know a secret?

David: What's that?

Jóhann: There are only two things that we can depend on in life. Ourselves and our own unhappiness.

David: It's almost like I keep expecting bad things to happen, every time I go out. I don't know how to explain it.

David: [To Rachel] You're drunk!

[To Joey]

David: She's drunk.

Joey: They were big cups.

David: What language was that you were speaking?

Sarah: Spanish.

David: How did you and Victoria come to speak Spanish?

Sarah: It is what we speak at home.

David: Oh, your family came from Spain?

Sarah: Yes.

David: Recently?

Sarah: About 400 years.

David: They must have some good memories.

David: Well, my mother died long before that. My brother 'n' sister didn't have opinion. My, my father was disappointed. He's a pacifist. I was bound to disappoint my father. Joining up just got it over with nice and quick.

Sarah: They took my clothes.

David: You walked here like that?

Sarah: I had to see you one last time. I must look...

David: Adorable. Damn it, why can't you look terrible? I've been out walking the streets trying to convince myself I wasn't in love with you and I come back here and you're barefoot and you're adorable.

David: My father believes God is just and merciful and the world can be remade in his image.

Sarah: And you don't?

David: I think God has a lot to answer for. And I don't think you can change the world; not much anyway.

Alexis: Did you remember to bring a camera?

David: I don't know. Did I?

Alexis: I don't think so.

David: You're right, I didn't.

David: It's just a mushroom.

Alexis: Poor Marco.

David: Poor bimbo.

David: Seven years in a COFFIN with YOU!

Alexis: Coffin?

David: Coffin.

Alexis: Are you sure you want to say that?

David: I was sure the day I married you.

Alexis: Do you think we'll make it?

David: I certainly hope so.

[Alexis is kissing him]

David: Three shots and you turn into Mae West.

Alex: I love jesse, she's kinda like my girlfriend.

Nat: She is not like your girlfriend.

Alex: In a way Nat... in a way.

Nat: In what way?

David: In a way she doesn't know about.

Nat: It's kinda hard for Alex to be the youngest.

Nat: Cuz,sometimes we'll say the A word, or the B word, or the C word, or the D word...

David: or the E word.

Thomas: What's the E word?

David: I don't know, what's the C word?

Nat: Crapola.

David: Crapola's a bad word? My mom says that all the time!

Nat: Well, tell her not to, it's bad.

David: You know, it doesn't work by osmosis?

Jason: What's that?

David: Well, you can sit next that thing all day long if you want, but you actually gotta crack that rascal open for it to do you any good.

Jason: Okay. How's that?

David: Well, it's a start. So, they run you off up north or did you just get homesick?

Jason: Do I know you?

David: No... you just look weak.

Mia: [possessed] Why don't you come down here so I can suck your cock, pretty boy?

David: Mia?

Mia: Mia's not here, you fucking idiot! Your little sister's being raped in Hell!

David: [David is patching up Natalie after she cut off her possessed arm] Everything's gonna be okay. You're fine.

Eric: She just cut her fucking arm off. Does that sound fine?

David: [entering Mia's room] You have to get out of these clothes. Go take a shower.

Mia: David... please... please! You... have... to get me... out of here.

David: No one said this would be easy, but...

Mia: [grabs David's arm] No! No. You don't understand. There was something in the woods, David... and I think it's in here with us... now.

David: Here, in this room?

[Mia nods; David walks to the door]

David: You know it's all in your head. Try to get it together. You'll feel better tomorrow. Be glad we were such assholes.

[from trailer]

David: Everything's gonna be fine!

Eric: Everything's gonna be fine? Everything's gonna be fine. I don't know if you noticed this, but... Nothing's fine. Everything's been getting worse... every second.

Mia: I know, I look like road kill.

David: No. You look beautiful, as always.

Mia: And you're a charming liar... as always.

David: The little things... there's nothing bigger, is there?

[last lines to Sofia]

David: Do you remember what you told me once? That every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around.

Sofía: I'll find you again.

David: I'll see you in another life... when we are both cats.

David: My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I'm an idiot... who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works...

David: My father wrote about this in his book. Chapter 1... Page 1... Paragraph 1: What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?... Money.

David: I want to live a real life... I don't want to dream any longer.

Julie: [Desperately] You fucked me four times the other night, David! You've been inside me!

David: [Not taking her seriously yet] Julie...

Julie: I swallowed your cum! That means something!

David: Look at us. I'm frozen and you're dead, and I love you.

Sofía: It's a problem.

David: I lost you when I got in that car. I'm sorry.

[David receives his facial prosthetic]

Dr. Pomeranz: It's a helpful unit.

David: Good. Because for a minute there, I thought we were talking about

[shouts]

David: a fucking mask!

Dr. Pomeranz: It's only a mask... if you treat it that way.

David: Oh, no. It's great. This completely takes care of Hallowe'en. But what about the other 364 days of the year?

Dr. Curtis McCabe: And you didn't immediately wanna sleep with her?

David: Well, you know, I'm a pleasure delayer.

Dr. Curtis McCabe: You do understand that our time is limited, don't you?

David: If I talk... you'll just think I'm crazy.

Dr. Curtis McCabe: With all the possible respect I can offer a man wearing a latex mask and spouting conspiracy theories, David, believe me, you've crossed that bridge.

David: We almost died.

Brian: I know. My own death was right there in front of me and you know what happened? Your life flashed before my eyes.

David: How was it?

Brian: Almost worth dying for...

David: You're a shrink! You gotta be better than that!

Dr. Curtis McCabe: Let's not stereotype each other. Not all rich kids are soulless, and not all psychologists care about disease.

Thomas Tipp: But I say this with complete love. Claim your life. Learn to be an asshole. Don't...

David: Two's enough.

Thomas Tipp: Forgive me. But I still believe in this family, David, even if it's only you.

David: I wanna wake up! Tech support! It's a nightmare! Tech support! Tech support!

[Sofía is taking David's mask off]

David: How bad is it?

Sofía: ...Well... your ears are in the right place... And the rest of it... is not bad at all. It's perfect!

David: I like your life.

Sofía: Well, it's mine and you can't have it!

Sofía: I have to get some sleep. Truthfully, I also work as a dental assistant.

David: Boy, am I going to the wrong dentist!

Sofía: What about you? What's your nickname?

David: Citizen Dildo.

Sofía: Hmm. You are not staying over.

David: I wasn't hitting on Sophia.

Brian: Oh, fine. Whatever you say. I'm crazy. I'm blind.

David: You're not blind, you're drinking Jack Daniels, and when you drink Jack you start in with that, "Frank Sinatra, she shot me down, give me a cigarette, King of Sad" thing.

Brian: That I do. Give me a cigarette.

David: I'll find one.

Brian: But wait. You're rich and women love you, and I'm from Ohio and I'm drunk. Can I tell you the truth?

David: Everybody does.

Brian: I dig her. And I've never said this to you before about any girl, but she could be - could be, could be, could be - the girl of my fucking dreams.

David: You're not from Ohio.

Brian: I know. But if she fucks up our friendship, she can go to hell. I won't allow it. We are bros.

David: I feel the same way.

Brian: Sure you do.

David: Where's Sofia? WHERE IS SHE?

Julie: I AM SOFIA.

David: These? These are more than headaches. These are steel plates slicing through my every thought.

David: I WANNA WAKE UP!

David: Somebody died. It was me.

Brian: [after they had a near fatal crash with a Mack truck] My own death was right there in front of me, and do you know what happened? YOUR life flashed before my eyes.

David: How was it?

Brian: Almost worth dying for.

David: [to Dr. McCabe] What's the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?... Money!

David: Even in my dreams I feel like an idiot who's about to wake up.

David: Technical Support!

David: He never watched television, and yet his biggest magazine is still the TV Digest.

David: And to what do I owe this pleasure?

Sofía: The pleasure of Sofia Serrano.

David: See, I've got this little problem. I've got a stalker.

Sofía: It doesn't sound life threatening.

David: But I need a cover. I need for you to pretend we're having a scintillating conversation, and you are wildly entertained.

[Both laugh]

David: I know it's tough.

Sofía: I'll improvise.

David: Thomas Tipp was right; people will read again.

David: Is it me?

David: Say everything now, now, now, now.

David: Doc, once you've been driven off a bridge at 80 miles an hour, somehow you don't invite happiness in without a full body search.

Julie: If I wasn't me, I'd buy my album.

David: You know, if you can reach one person.

David: [Referring to his board of directors] Who could I trust? The ants are taking over the ant hill. Who could I trust?

David: How do you think watertight contracts are broken?

Brian: I'm going to say this once, because this is the last time we're ever going to talk. I was your only friend

David: You have revealed yourself to me.

David: [has taken the mask off and is ordering drinks from a large barman at the club] Give me a Budweiser and a shot of tequila

Barman: [avoiding eye contact with David] What kind of tequila?

David: [trying to make eye contact] What did you say to me?

Barman: [Still avoiding looking at David] I said, what kind of tequila?

David: Why don't you ask me to my face, bitch?

Barman: [finally makes eye contact]

David: Patron, if you have it

David: [later] Another shot, another Bud

Barman: [pouring shot] This one's on the house

David: Why?

Barman: It just is

[locks eyes with Daivd]

Barman: bitch.

David: You weren't invited...

David: I can't believe you just said that. That is what I love about you. Only you would say something like that.

[Sofia looks uneasy]

David: You'll meet me in another life when we are both cats! Cats! Ha-ha! Meow!

Julie: Why did you tell Brian I was your "Fuckbuddy"?

David: I never said that.

Edmund: Consequences, David. It's the little things.

David: The little things... there's nothing bigger, is there?

David: No. Tell me now.

Sofía: I'll tell you later.

David: If something's wrong please tell me now.

[looking at a caricature sketch Sofia has drawn of him and laughing]

David: No, it's something that you'd see on a wall in a steak-house in *Hell*.

David: [In Julia's car] Let's go to your house and we'll talk or something. I want to see where you live.

David: [looking at himself in the mirror]

Guy in Bathroom: Dude, fix your fucking face.

[friend laughs]

David: [starts laughing]

Julie: Don't you realise David, that when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise even if your mind does not?

David: [gives her an odd look]

David: The sweet and sour speech again?

David: Did He Just Call Me a Nancy Boy?

Ms. Mynard: Umm, what about my radio boy?

David: I couldn't get him.

Ms. Mynard: Why not?

David: He had help.

Ms. Mynard: So did you!

David: He had more help.

David: Kill those lights! Speak, monkey.

David: Serve in Heaven or reign in Hell?

[from trailer]

David: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair.

David: I'll do the fingering.

[from trailer]

Elizabeth Shaw: How long?

David: Impossible to say.

Elizabeth Shaw: What if they are not better than us?

David: So long as they are not worse.

David: Don't let the bedbugs bite. I'll tuck in the children.

[first lines]

Peter Weyland: How do you feel?

David: Alive.

David: No one understands the lonely perfection of my dreams.

Oram: I met the devil when I was a child and I've never forgotten him. So, David, you're going to tell me exactly what's going on or I am going to seriously fuck up your perfect composure.

David: As you wish, Captain. This way.

Oram: What do you believe in, David?

David: Creation.

[Final lines]

David: Use security code 'David 73694-B'.

Voice of 'Mother': Welcome, how may I help you?

David: How about some music, Mother?

Voice of 'Mother': Selection?

David: Richard Wagner - Das Rheingold Act II: The Entry of the Gods into Valhalla.

Voice of 'Mother': Yes David, as you wish.

Daniels: David? No... No!

[screams]

David: Shh. Don't let the bed bugs bite. I'll tuck in the children.

David: I was not made to serve. Neither were you.

David: You are such a disappointment to me.

David: Do make yourselves at home as best you can in this dire necropolis.

David: I was with our illustrious creator, Mr. Weyland, when he died.

Walter: What was he like?

David: He was human. Entirely unworthy of his creation.

[after having sex]

David: I'm hungry.

Robin: How romantic.

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa.

Tina: I'm Tina from next door.

Melissa: [snottily] I know!

Russell: Maddy, who's friend is that scuzball dope head?

Melissa: Only the birthday boy's best friend!

Maddy: [grabbing Melissa's necklace] Melissa, those are so pretty. They are absolutely gorgeous. Are they real?

David: [enters kitchen] What a stupid place to put a lamp.

Melissa: There real! On my birthday, my daddy says to me, "Melissa, you are the perfect daughter," and he gives me these and says, "To the best little girl in the whole world!"

David: You know what I like about you?

Robin: What?

David: You hardly sweat at all.

Cara Harding: Where you raised in any religion?

David: Ma'am, I was raised in the mountains. God held our hand and the Devil waited for us to fall.

Callan: [David, Marisa and Callan are walking through the sewer system] What the hell we looking for?

David: Anything that looks like it doesn't belong here.

Marisa: Uh, evidence of alligator nesting.

Callan: I see, like shoes, handbags, luggage...

[David is in a hot tub with a radio right next to it.]

Mikey: Life is full of accidents.

David: What are you talking about?

Mikey: The radio... it's not safe.

David: Why not?

[Mikey kicks the radio in the hot tub. David gets electrocuted.]

Mikey: They can kill you.

Jane Harris: It's like putting your shoes on without looking.

David: That makes sense.

Jane Harris: Yeah well, a guy changing his clothes in the garage before he goes up to his apartment doesn't.

David: I think obviously somebody in this school is insane.

David: We're puppets, and *The Count* is pulling the strings.

[last lines]

David: I hate them!

David: [screaming] My face! Look what you did to my beautiful face!

[last lines]

Shelby: [as David suddenly appears in doorway] David! You're alive.

David: Yeah. Barely.

Paul Donner: [as they are about to leave] No, wait. Hold up. Dave, my research folder. Where is it?

David: It's... at the camp-site.

Paul Donner: I need to go back and get it. Shelby, take my keys to the car. I'll meet you guys there. Okay.

[Paul returns to the camp-site where he finds Dorchester's Jack-in-the-box. He cannot resist turning the crank one last time before he leaves the camp... ]

David: Go make yourself look human and I'll take you to dinner

Ellen: You say the sweetest things.

David: I don't exactly call a disappearing raw chicken a murder attempt.

David: You are real.

Yyalah: Do you think I am?

David: I want you to be.

Yyalah: Then I am.

David: I am not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of what comes after.

Summer: What? Are you afraid of hell?

David: No, I'm a born again atheist but I know there's something. Realities, dimensions and if I go there I'm not sure I'll be able to bare it.

David: Christina said that you don't truly exist or at least insignificantly exist except in your own reality.

David: If we don't know about something, does that mean it doesn't exist?

Christina: You don't believe in God?

David: Yeah, but he's a great reference.

David: Sorry if this sounds a bit dim, but why are'nt you trying to kill us?

David: So are we gonna win this vulgar, this shitty contest for people with amazingly bad taste?

Mona: OK, well say what you want but don't be such a fucking snob!

David: Mind if I turn the TV on? Actually I'm not going to do that.

David: You need any help with anything?

Linda: Like what?

David: Carrying your pictures? I guess you already did that.

Linda: Yeah I already did that.

David: I guess you don't need any help with anything. That's cool.

Linda: David, I don't think we should see each other any more.

David: Yeah, why?

Linda: First off I can't believe you just said that.

David: In a world where scientist compete against each other to give birth to the first human clone, and entere populations can be annihilated without a single brick being damaged, question is: Can we really still write science-fiction?

David: You said Jane didn't commit suicide.

Silvia: I know I did not jump through this window, but I don't know what really happened.

David: How did I ever drown in someone so shallow?

David: Cufe? Cufe? Wow. Parents weren't fucked up when they named you, were they?

Cufe Smallhill: Actually, it was my grandfather's name and he's dead.

David: Oh. Ah I was just kidding with you.

Miri Smallhill: It means Rabbit.

David: Rabbit... good. I'm David, I have no idea what that means. David, I guess it just means David, or David and Goliath maybe.

David, Silvia, Sha: Say what you mean, mean what you say.

David: Would you mind closing your eyes so I could use the phone?

Christine: David, this is not going to work if you're ashamed to introduce me to your parents.

David: I am not ashamed of you. If anything, I'm ashamed of my paren...

Christine: Shhhhh! Everybody's ashamed of their parents.

Susan: You guys wanna go out to dinner?

David: Yeah.

Ben Luckett: No Italian food! Makes me fart!

David: Can I come with you?

[first lines]

Jill: [answering phone] Hello?

David: What are you wearing?

Jill: Ooh, something tight and white. What are you wearing? Wait, no - let me guess. Um, jeans, sneakers, and that ugly striped t-shirt.

David: Oh my gosh! Ouch! Wow.

Jill: Well, hey - the truth hurts.

David: You gave him our landline?

Mark: No no, I didn't tell him anything. Wait... since when do we have a landline? Seriously! Why do we have a landline? Who's paying for this?

Lenny: Only a pro should even dream about doing what you want to do.

David: That's why I'm talking to you.

David: You know what the problem with daughters is, Winston? Sooner or later, they always end up getting fucked.

David: Nobody wants to play tennis against the guy whose wife died during childbirth... on the anniversary of her death.

Kelly's Husband: You're right, I didn't even think about that.

David: You did the right thing. I don't blame you.

David: I'm a soldier, man. I like guns.

David: Those kids at school, are they bigger than you?

Luke Peterson: Yeah.

David: Then bring a knife to school. If they take it off you and beat you up, you go around their houses at night and burn them down with their families inside. What's the worst they can do?

Luke Peterson: Yeah... Umm... Okay.

David: What happened?

Luke Peterson: This kid called me a faggot... so I broke a yardstick on his face.

David: Okay. Awesome.

David: Do you want advice, Luke?

Luke Peterson: Sure.

David: Never let anyone pick on you.

David: Otherwise, you'll carry it with you the rest of your life.

David: Oh my gosh, I have to tell you this story. Freshman year, Alan hooked up with two girls at a bar - Renee and Jackie. So he's going back and forth between the two of them all semester... until they found out about each other.

Jenny: So, what? He got dumped?

David: No! They had a threesome! I come home that night to find this huge mass of flesh and-

Jenny: DAVID! Why would you tell me that?

David: Do you beleive there's one right person for everyone?

Jenny: Absolutely

David: I know what your capable of.

Alan: I've changed!

David: People don't change Alan!

David: If you ever want to stop a cell phone working again, remind me to show you something easier than throwing it out a train window.

David: You don't like Americans, do you?

Orlando: No.

David: Why?

Irène Montano: Because her dad likes poetry, she hates poetry. Because her dad's American, she hates Americans.

David: The fact that her dad's American can't be the only reason why she hates us all.

Orlando: You want other reasons?

David: Yeah.

Orlando: Because you've got short legs. Because you like Schwarzenegger. Because you take care of your body as if it was a machine, and of your head as if it was a tomato. Because you think you have to save mankind. And surprise, what's supposed to be good for mankind, first, and foremost, is good for you. Enough? Or do you want more?

Irène Montano: Wow. Congratulations. David and I bet you never say more than three words.

David: You've left out a few other reasons. Um, you can hate us because we eat bland food. Because we're always afraid we're gonna be sick. Because we are against abortion, but for the death penalty. Because we never have sex. And because half of us... well almost half of us, voted for George doubla-vee Bush. But you see, for me, the fact that the French have a stuupid president never prevented me from loving them.

[silence]

David: Hmm, must be exhausting to feel so much hatred.

Orlando: Depends.

David: Does it?

Orlando: Yeah. It's exhausting to hate when you want revenge, knowing you'll never get it.

David: You have a gun - pow, pow. You know you'll get it.

Orlando: I won't need a gun. You Americans, you're like dinosaurs. You're very strong, and you think you're meant to live and command forever. You never wondered why you're always making movies about dinosaurs? It's because you identify with them. In a few years, maybe twenty or thirty years, people will try to understand how such an empire, with an army so powerful, managed to disappear so insignificantly.

David: Hmm. That's a lot more interesting...

David: It's rather strange, isn't it? The same person on one side of the Atlantic has a daughter that wants to kill him. Hates him. And the other side has a son that loves him. And thinks he's the best man in the world.

Orlando: There are many differences between the two sides of the Atlantic.

David: Don't start...

David: I thought you left me.

Adam Stein: I was here all the time.

David: You went away...

David: I'm back.