Dark Helmet Quotes in Spaceballs (1987)

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.

Lone Starr: What?

Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Lone Starr: What's that make us?

Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

Dark Helmet: What happened to then?

Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.

Dark Helmet: When?

Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.

Dark Helmet: Go back to then.

Colonel Sandurz: When?

Dark Helmet: Now.

Colonel Sandurz: Now?

Dark Helmet: Now.

Colonel Sandurz: I can't.

Dark Helmet: Why?

Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.

Dark Helmet: When?

Colonel Sandurz: Just now.

Dark Helmet: When will then be now?

Colonel Sandurz: Soon.

Dark Helmet: How soon?

Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!

Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?

Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.

Dark Helmet: Who is he?

Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.

Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?

Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!

Dark Helmet: And his cousin?

Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!

Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?

[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]

Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!

Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!

[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]

Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!

Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?

Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.

Ape #2: Spaceballs.

Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls, in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.

[in Vespa voice]

Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: No, you are mine!

[in Lone Starr voice]

Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Helmet!

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: Lone Starr!

[in Lone Starr voice]

Dark Helmet: Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: Now you are going to die! BAM!

[in Lone Starr voice]

Dark Helmet: Oh, oh... OH!

[in Barf voice]

Dark Helmet: Hey, what did you do to my friend?

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!

[in Barf voice]

Dark Helmet: OH! OH!

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: And you too!

[in Dot voice]

Dark Helmet: Owww! Ah!

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.

[in Vespa voice]

Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!

[in Vespa voice]

Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, leave me alone!

[in Dark Helmet voice]

Dark Helmet: No, kiss me!

[cuts between their voices]

Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...

Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]

Roland: One.

Dark Helmet: One.

Colonel Sandurz: One.

Roland: Two.

Dark Helmet: Two.

Colonel Sandurz: Two.

Roland: Three.

Dark Helmet: Three.

Colonel Sandurz: Three.

Roland: Four.

Dark Helmet: Four.

Colonel Sandurz: Four.

Roland: Five.

Dark Helmet: Five.

Colonel Sandurz: Five.

Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.

Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.

Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.

Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?

Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.

[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]

Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.

[covering his neck]

Radio Operator: Not that.

Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.

[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]

Dark Helmet: [after finding that the 'Self Destruct Cancellation' button has yet to be installed] Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!

[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]

Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet: WHAT?

[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]

Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!

Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!

Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.

Dark Helmet: GOOD!

[Sandurz slams the door]

[watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]

Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.

Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?

Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?

Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.

Dark Helmet: The what?

Colonel Sandurz: The what?

Dark Helmet: And the what?

Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.

[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]

Radar Technician: The sweeps.

[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]

Radar Technician: And the creeps.

[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]

Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.

Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?

Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,

[slaps the machine]

Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?

[prepairs a cup for Helmet]

Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.

Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.

Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!

All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.

Dark Helmet: [breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] I can't breathe in this thing!

[upon going into "ludicrous speed"]

Dark Helmet: My brains are going into my feet!

Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?

Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?

Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.

Dark Helmet: [softly] Good

Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.

Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.

Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?

Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?

Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.

Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?

Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.

Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.

Dark Helmet: [Collapses]

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?

Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?

Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Dark Helmet: What did you do?

Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.

Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!

Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.

Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!

Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.

[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]

Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...

President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?

Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!

President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]

Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...

[they close their eyes and grimace]

Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.

President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.

[They close them again]

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.

Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.

Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?

Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

Colonel Sandurz: Sir hadn't you better buckle up?

Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*

Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] We've passed them. Stop this thing!

Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!

Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!

Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?

Colonel Sandurz: What is it?

Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?

Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?

Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?

Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?

President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?

Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.

President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?

Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5

President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?

Colonel Sandurz: Yes!

President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.

Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]

Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?

Bearded Lady: I'm the Bearded Lady. Who are you, one of the freaks?

Dark Helmet: [the Bearded Lady belly bumps Dark Helmet out of the way and takes the escape pod] Dammit! That's my pod! No! Come back you fat, bearded bitch!

[nurse exits]

Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!

[camera moves in closer and closer during his dialog until it smashes into Dark Helmet and knocks him out]

Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack! On the count of three. One... two...

[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]

Dark Helmet: WAIT! What happened? Where are they?

Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.

Dark Helmet: AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT ON THIS THING, A *CUISINART*?

[after their Schwartz sabers get twisted]

Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.

Dark Helmet: [Helmet is going to enter an escape pod when a fat woman reaches it first] Hey hey hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?

Bearded Lady: [in gravelly voice] I'm the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?

[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]

Dark Helmet: [Helmet up at the window] Wait, wait! No!

Bearded Lady: [escape pod blasts away]

Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded bitch!

[as Lone Starr dodges laser blasts from Dark Helmet's Schwartz]

Dark Helmet: Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wild World of Sports.

Dark Helmet: [Dr. Schlotkin is caught making out with his nurse assistant] Schlotkin!

Dr. Schlotkin: [pulls away from the nurse and adjusts his glasses as the nurse nervously zips the top of her dress back up] What?

Dark Helmet: We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz.

Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Dark Helmet: Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!

Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.

Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?

Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?

Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.

Dark Helmet: Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.

[laughs "evil"]

Dark Helmet: Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

President Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.

Dark Helmet: [aside to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.

[Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]

Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.

[throws it down the grate]

Dark Helmet: Oh, look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!

President Skroob: [They hear a blowing sound] Helmet, what's going on?

Dark Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?

Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid sir, she gone from suck to blow.

President Skroob: Well we've got to stop it.

[to Helmet]

President Skroob: Do something!

Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Do something!

Colonel Sandurz: [Over Intercom] Do something!

[Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment]

Dark Helmet: Ummmm... He did it.

Lone Starr: What?

Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?

Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!

Dark Helmet: [to Col. Sandurz] Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!