Dark Quotes in Nowhere (1997)

[first lines]

Dark: [voice-over] L.A. is like... nowhere. Everybody who lives here is lost.

Dark: This party's about as much fun as an ingrown butt hair.

Mel: Who ever said you care about me, anyways?

Dark: Didn't I give you my Cap'n Crunch decoder ring back in the 6th grade?

Lucifer: Eat my box, rover.

Dark: Clean the maggots out of it first, you stinky oyster.

Lucifer: If you pop a zit on your forehead you can get blood poisoning and die, you know.

Dark: Lucifer, you are so dumb you should donate your brain to a monkey science fair.

Dark: Dear diary, what a day. I swear I've never been so depressed, miserable, and lonely in my entire life. It's like I know there's got to be somebody out there somewhere... just one person in this huge, horrible, unhappy universe who can hold me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. And how long do I have to wait before that person shows up. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand... watching everyone around me die a slow, agonizing, death. It's like we all know way down in our souls that our generation is going to witness the end of everything. You can see it in our eyes. It's in mine, look. I'm doomed. I'm only 18 years-old and I'm totally doomed.

Dark: [answers a phone; sarcastic tone] City Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em.

Lucifer: I gotta burn off these calories fast, before I blow up. Let's go rollerblading or something. You wanna come along, Dark?

Dark: I'd rather have my ball hairs burned off with an acetylene torch!

Lucifer: Well, that can be arranged.

Handjob: Hey, you want anything, man? Up? Down? All around?

Dark: Nah, I'm just blowing. It's been a narly day. It's almost two in the morning and in the past 18 hours, I've seen four people get abducted by a space alien, watched Ducky trying to drown himself, and spent like 387 bucks on CD's at Erin's.

Handjob: Oh, well what CD's did you score?

Dark's Mom: Dark, are you in there? Hurry up. I need to wash this crap off my face.

Dark: I'll be out in a minute.

Dark's Mom: Honey, I have to rot my life away in a 9-to-5 hellhole to support your lazy, juvenile delinquent ass, remember?

Dark: Give me a minute.

Dark's Mom: Dark? Honey? Doll? My little ray of sunshine? Open up this mother-humping door NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!