Dante Hicks Quotes in Clerks (1994)

[repeated line]

Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Dante Hicks: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!

Customer with Diapers: In a row?

Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?

Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".

Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Randal Graves: [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."

[throws stuff at Dante]

Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.

[sighs]

Randal Graves: You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?

Dante Hicks: You hate people!

Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!

Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.

Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!

Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?

Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!

Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!

Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!

Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.

Dante Hicks: How many?

Veronica Loughran: Dante...

Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?

Veronica Loughran: Let it go!

Dante Hicks: How many?

Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!

Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?

[long pause as customer buys something]

Dante Hicks: Well?

Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.

Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?

Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.

Dante Hicks: Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?

Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37.

Dante Hicks: I'm 37?

Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?

Dante Hicks: This life.

Randal Graves: This life?

Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?

Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.

Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.

Randal Graves: 37.

Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool.

Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die.

Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.

Dante Hicks: How did he die?

Randal Graves: He broke his neck.

Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?

Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!

Randal Graves: [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.

Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...

Randal Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.

Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?

Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.

[notices Dante's confusion]

Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]

Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?

Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

Coroner: My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man?

Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.

Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

[on his past relationship with Caitlin]

Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.

Randal Graves: Oh, my God.

Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?

Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.

Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?

Randal Graves: Your mother?

Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.

Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?

Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.

Randal Graves: That's frightening.

Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.

Randal Graves: In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.

Veronica Loughran: You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.

Dante Hicks: Animal, mineral or vegetable.

Veronica Loughran: Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.

Dante Hicks: They put up the least amount of struggle.

[after a customer got his hand stuck in a can of Pringles]

Dante Hicks: A little word of advice, my friend. Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?

Dante Hicks: Exactly.

Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.

Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?

Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.

Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet.

[takes a drink of water]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time-

[Randal spits water at him]

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!

Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.

Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.

[to Randal]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open!

[Randal salutes him as he leaves]

Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?

Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.

Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!

Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?

Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.

Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.

Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?

Dante Hicks: "Empire".

Randal Graves: Blasphemy.

Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal Graves: You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.

Dante Hicks: Which ones?

Randal Graves: All of them.

[a series of vignettes]

Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?

Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new movies in?

[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]

Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?

Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.

Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!

Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.

[more vignettes]

Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?

Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?

[zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]

Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!

Dante Hicks: [to Veronica] Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!

Dante Hicks: [a random customer standing outside Quick Stop starts to follow Veronica after hearing remark] Hey... get back here!

Jay: I dunno dude, that Caitlin chick's nice, but I've seen that Veronica girl doing shit for you all the time. I saw her rubbing your back, fucking comes and brings you food. Didn't I see her change your tire once?

Dante Hicks: Hey-hey, you know, I jacked up the car, all she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.

Jay: I dunno, she does a lot for you.

Dante Hicks: She's my girlfriend.

Jay: I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me is weed and shit. Shit my grandmother used to say 'What's better, fuckin', a good plate with nothin' on it... ' no wait I fucked up. 'What's a good plate with nothing on it?'

Dante Hicks: Meaning?

Jay: I dunno, she was senile and shit, she used to fuckin' piss herself all the time, and shit herself. Come on, Silent Bob, lets get the fuck out of this fucking jip joint, with this fucking faggot Dante, you cock smoker!

Randal Graves: Oh, I just remembered, Caitlin's in the back. You might want to check on her. She's been back there a long time.

Dante Hicks: What? There're no lights back there!

Randal Graves: I know. I told her, but she said she could manage. Why don't you go join her, make a little bathroom bam bam?

Dante Hicks: [sarcastic] I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".

Randal Graves: [annoyed] Fuck you.

Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent?

[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]

Dante Hicks: "Best of Both Worlds"?

Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.

Dante Hicks: And you rented this?

Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

Dante Hicks: It wasn't me.

Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. What was it, then? Randal?

Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you?

Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time.

Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it.

Dante Hicks: I'm serious.

Caitlin Bree: Oh, so, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?

Dante Hicks: No.

Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny.

Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.

Caitlin Bree: This isn't fucking funny, Dante!

Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding!

[to Randal]

Dante Hicks: Who went back there?

Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!

Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.

Dante Hicks: Are you sure there was someone back there?

Caitlin Bree: Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna be sick!

Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger?

Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up!

Caitlin Bree: I can't believe this.

Dante Hicks: Call the police!

Caitlin Bree: No, don't!

Randal Graves: Why?

Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!

Randal Graves: She said she did all the work.

Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?

Dante Hicks: How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?

Jay: I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' about?

Burner Looking for Weed: Hey, you got anything, man?

Jay: Yeah, what you want?

Dante Hicks: Veronica, I love you!

Veronica Loughran: FUCK YOU!

Dante Hicks: What time do you get to work today?

Randal Graves: I dunno. Like... ten, or ten after.

Dante Hicks: Wrong! You were over a half an hour late! And then all you do is come in here!

Randal Graves: Yeah, to talk to you.

Dante Hicks: Which means the video store is ostensibly closed.

Randal Graves: Oh, it's not like I'm miles away!

Dante Hicks: Unless you're out renting videos at other video stores!

Randal Graves: Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we could watch it together.

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.

Chewlies Gum Rep: You're spending what? Twenty, maybe thirty dollars a week on your cigarettes?

Angry Smoking Crowd: Yeah.

Woolen Cap Smoker: Forty.

Smoker #1: Something like that.

Smoker #2: Fifty-three.

Chewlies Gum Rep: Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? 'Cause that's what you're doing now, by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.

Angry Smoking Crowd: Hey, man, we gotta croak sometime.

Chewlies Gum Rep: It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please Mr. Merchant-of-Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs."

Dante Hicks: Now wait a second!

Chewlies Gum Rep: Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders.

Angry Smoking Crowd: Who's that?

Chewlies Gum Rep: They were called Nazis!

Woolen Cap Smoker: Nazis, that's right.

Angry Smoking Crowd: Fuckin' Nazi!

Chewlies Gum Rep: Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth just like your cigarettes are doing now.

Dante Hicks: You get me slapped with a fine. You pick fights with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us chased out of a funeral home by violating a corpse. To top it all off, you ruined my relationship with Veronica! What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

Dante Hicks: Somebody jammed gum in the locks.

Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.

Dante Hicks: That's what I said.

Randal Graves: Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees. Said the video store was closed for two hours yesterday. So, I tore up his membership.

Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.

Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

Randal Graves: Do you know what I just watched?

Dante Hicks: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Randal Graves: Return of the Jedi.

Dante Hicks: Just go. Just go open the video store!

Jay: Yeah! Open the video store!

Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Randal Graves: Fine, just let me borrow your car.

Dante Hicks: Why should I loan you my car?

Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie.

Dante Hicks: You wanna rent a movie?

Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie!

[Dante sighs]

Randal Graves: What's that for?

Dante Hicks: You work in a video store!

Randal Graves: I work in a shitty video store! I wanna go to a good video store so I can get a good movie!

Dante Hicks: Someone jammed gum in the locks.

Veronica Loughran: You're kidding.

Dante Hicks: Bunch of savages in this town.

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade, alright?

Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.

Sanford: So?

Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?

Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?

Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.

Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!

Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point.

Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?

Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is, if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.

Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.

Sanford: Fuckin' A!

Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!

Sanford: Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major.

Randal Graves: Design major.

Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this?

Sanford: Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!

Dante Hicks: No. I might be leaving early to go out with Caitlin. In which case, you're gonna have to lock up the store tonight.

Randal Graves: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!

Randal Graves: You're so repressed.

Dante Hicks: Because I never tried to suck my own dick?

[first lines]

Dante Hicks: [phone rings and Dante falls out of a closet] Hello. What? No, I don't work today. I'm playing hockey at two.

Veronica Loughran: Hi, Randal.

Randal Graves: Thirty-seven?

Dante Hicks: Shut up!

#812 Wynarski: I went in there the other day and that son of a bitch was sleeping.

Dante Hicks: I'm sure he wasn't sleeping

#812 Wynarski: Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling me a liar?

Dante Hicks: No, he was probably just resting his eyes.

#812 Wynarski: What is that, resting his eyes? Like he's some air traffic controller?

Dante Hicks: Actually that's his night job.

#812 Wynarski: A wise ass too huh? Yeah, keep crackin' wise. That's why you're jockeying some fuckin' cash register in a local convenience store instead of out there workin' a real job.

Randal Graves: [after Dante finds out the boss is in Vermont] Jesus, that seems to be the late motif in your life - ever backing down.

Dante Hicks: I don't back down.

Randal Graves: You *always* back down! You come in on your day off, you assume responsibility that isn't yours - you buckle like a belt.

Dante Hicks: You know what the worst part is?

Randal Graves: The fact that I'm right about your buckling?

Dante Hicks: That I'm gonna miss the fucking *game*!

Randal Graves: Because you buckled.

Dante Hicks: Will you shut up with that shit, man. It ain't helping.

Randal Graves: Aw, don't yell at me, pal.

Dante Hicks: [apologetic] Sorry.

Caitlin Bree: ''Wreck'' is a harsh term.

Dante Hicks: ''Disturbed'' is more like it. ''Mildly disturbed,'' even.

Caitlin Bree: Oh, l love a macho facade. lt is such a turn-on.

Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?

Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.

Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?

Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?

Dante Hicks: Guess not.

Randal Graves: Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.

Dante Hicks: What kind of a show?

[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]

Randal Graves: Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. I mean, these chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body - *any* opening.

Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this now?

Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, 'cause practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.

Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!

Dante Hicks: Excuse me?

Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!

Dante Hicks: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I-I guess we kinda got carried away.

Offended Customer: Well, I-I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.

Randal Graves: Well, if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!

[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]

Randal Graves: I think you can see her kidneys!

Dante Hicks: [about the Death Star in "Return of the Jedi"] All right, so they bring in independent contractors, why are you so upset at its destruction?

Dante Hicks: You gonna lock the video store?

Randal Graves: Look who you're asking, here.

[Randal has a sign that says "I EAT COCK"]

Dante Hicks: Who eats cock?

Randal Graves: Bunch of savages in this town.

[a happy and satistifed looking Caitlin exits from the back room and walks toward the front of the store where Dante and Randal are and she looks confused to see Dante there]

Caitlin Bree: How did you get here so fast?

Dante Hicks: What do you mean? I left my home like an hour ago.

Caitlin Bree: Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?

[both Dante and Randal look at each other confused]

Randal Graves: Maybe that Asian design major ex-fiancee of hers sliped her some opium.

Dante Hicks: Could be.

[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]

Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."

Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.

Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.

Dante Hicks: Why?

Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.

Customer at Quick Stop: Are you even supposed to be here today?

Dante Hicks: Don't get me started.

Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.

Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.

Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?

Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.

Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!

Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.

Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?

Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?

Randal Graves: Why?

Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!

Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.

Dante Hicks: Randal!

Randal Graves: What?

Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Becky: Shut up, Elias!

Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.

Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!

Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.

Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.

Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.

Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?

Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!

Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.

Dante Hicks: Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?

Randal Graves: What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.

Dante Hicks: Anne Frank?

Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.

Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller.

Randal Graves: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.

Dante Hicks: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.

Randal Graves: Are you sure?

Dante Hicks: Yup.

Randal Graves: Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?

Dante Hicks: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?

Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.

Emma: Come outside with me, I've got a surprise for you!

[Emma and Dante run outside and pass Jay, posing completely naked]

Dante Hicks: That's my surprise?

Emma: No.

Becky: [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step!

[Jay looks around confused]

Becky: Jay!

Jay: [looks up] Lord?

Becky: Up here, jackass.

Jay: [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.

Becky: You still got your boombox?

[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]

Becky: Play something and turn it way up.

[disappears, then comes back]

Becky: Something danceable!

Dante Hicks: Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?

Becky: What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?

Dante Hicks: What customers?

Becky: Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.

[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]

Becky: Something a little less demonic, please?

Elias: Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, is Elias hammered?

Jay: Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!

Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!

Jay: [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!

[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?

Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?

Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!

Randal Graves: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.

Randal Graves: You swung at me!

Dante Hicks: You ducked.

Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.

Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"

Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?

Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?

Randal Graves: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico!

Dante Hicks: Oh, God, no.

Randal Graves: Oh, God, yes!

[snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated]

Dante Hicks: [pause in dancing as he dips her; to Becky] I love you, Becky.

Becky: I'm pregnant, Dante.

[Dante drops Becky]

[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell]

Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.

Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.

Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?

[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]

Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!

Jay: What up, steel cage match!

Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!

Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!

Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?

Randal Graves: It was your going away present!

Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!

Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.

Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.

Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!

Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!

Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!

Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?

Dante Hicks: Why *do* the Go-Karts help?

Randal Graves: I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.

Dante Hicks: Like when?

Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.

Dante Hicks: We're not that old.

Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.

Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.

Randal Graves: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!

Randal Graves: I know you've given a blowjob, right?

Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet.

Randal Graves: That's a yes.

Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.

Becky: What's your point?

Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.

Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.

Randal Graves: And?

Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?

Randal Graves: That's an Elias job!

Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.

Elias: Zing!

Randal Graves: [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!

Randal Graves: [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!

Randal Graves: Would you grow up?

Dante Hicks: What are you writing over there, your memoirs?

Randal Graves: I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message boards.

Dante Hicks: About what?

Randal Graves: About how he's got too much free time and no life. A guy in a wheelchair who's always preying on other people's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs, so I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!

Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.

Randal Graves: Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."

[last lines]

Dante Hicks: Can you feel it?

Randal Graves: Feel what?

Dante Hicks: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

[Randal bursts into the office]

Randal Graves: [laughing] I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Dante Hicks: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.

Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?

[Randal shuts the door]

Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: Oh, my God.

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Are you serious?

Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!

Randal Graves: It's never my idea!

Dante Hicks: [about Becky] No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago.

Randal Graves: What? Where?

Dante Hicks: Here, on the prep station table.

Randal Graves: Ew, that's my prep table.

Dante Hicks: I'm having second thoughts.

Randal Graves: About your sexuality?

Randal Graves: Since when did porch monkey suddenly become a racial slur?

Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!

Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!

Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.

Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Sheni's a racial slur, too!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.

Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!

Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!

Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!

Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.

Dante Hicks: You think?

Randal Graves: Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.

Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!

Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!

[customers enter]

Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?

[beat]

Randal Graves: Its cool, I'm taking it back.

Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.

Dante Hicks: You're thirty-three.

Randal Graves: You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: Oh... My... God.

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Are you serious?

Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal.

Randal Graves: You sound like my Mom.

[Becky enters]

Randal Graves: Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?

Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Becky: I've never gone ass to mouth.

Randal Graves: Not even once?

Becky: Not even ever.

Randal Graves: You're both so repressive.

[to Becky]

Randal Graves: Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?

Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.

Randal Graves: That's a yes.

[to Dante]

Randal Graves: And I know you've gone down on chicks.

Becky: What's your point?

Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.

Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole.

Dante Hicks: We need to talk.

Becky: [referring to the donkey] Did you see the size of that cock?

Dante Hicks: [after Emma flashes Randal] What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?

Dante Hicks: I mean, you already taught me how to dance at a wedding.

[first lines]

Dante Hicks: [on his cellphone] Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop. Yeah.