Dante Quotes in Barbershop: The Next Cut (2016)

Dante: What them white girls want? They lost? Did you go "awesome", they like when you go "awesooome!"

Angie: Now I'm not one to engage in petty arguments.

Dante: That's pretty much all you do...

Alex: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.

Dante: Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.

Alex: You're getting a lion?

Dante: Yeah.

Alex: Why?

Dante: To protect my shit.

Alex: Never heard of a dog?

Dante: Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.

Alex: Yeah, that's true.

Dante: I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.

Dante: [while stoned] Drive, monkey, drive!

Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

Alex: Why is it called that?

Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.

Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.

Alex: Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.

Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.

Dante: Whoa, chill bro... You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion's here.

Dante: Wow... where do you get your weed?

Mr. Cheezle: From you, Dante.

Dante: Oh... THAT'S RIGHT! What's up, Mr. Cheezle!

Dante: Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.

Alex: You do know that lions eat deer, right?

Dante: Thats true kid. Doctor, we gotta be careful.

Dante: [Phone rings] What is that ringing?

[Phone rings again]

Dante: Do I have a tumor?

Alex: [hangs up the phone] Dude... you have to give me a ride.

Dante: [after smoking] I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.

Dante: [Answering the phone stoned] Hello?

Jeff: Dante is Alex there?

Dante: [hands the phone to Alex] The phone's for you. I think it's the Devil.

Dante: Looking back, the lion was a bad idea. That's why Dr. Shockla is gonna hook us up with a monkey. I'm gonna teach it taekwondo.

Barry: Yeah, karate monkey, yeah, that's probably safer.

Alex: Ever hear of a dog?

Dante: Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion.

Alex: Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!

Dante: Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree!

Alex: Dude? It's the middle of July.

Dante: Get the fuck outta here! It is?

Alex: Dude? Why are you naked?

Dante: Ooohhh shit! I am naked! Come in.

[turns around]

Alex: Your ass is tanner than my face.

Dante: It's not tan, kid, it's bronzed.

Barry: Hey Dante- My girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...

Dante: No shit? And by "Girlfriend" do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick everynight?

Barry: [laughing hysterically] ... yes...

[Starts to cry]

Dante: It's cool that I brought some friends from the Crazy Beaver?

[as a parade of bikers and such file into his grandma's house]

Alex: I wish you would have gone a little less on the crazy and little more on the beaver.

Dante: Relax bro, they're people just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun.

Dante: That's right monkey, play my head.

Alex: Where is your monkey?

Dante: He's upstairs putting his nun-chucks away.

[Dr. Shakalu has just farted]

Alex: We're not in the jungle any more, Doctor.

Dr. Shakalu: [inhaling] My beef strong!

Dante: [backing away] Your beef wrong!

Dante: Yea, even children, slain!

Barley: I'm not the man you thought I was.

Dante: You do not have to remind me that man is not equal to his rhetoric.

Dante: You are very gray today, Barley. My father was sent to prison by gray men. He was murdered by men who wore gray uniforms. Gray men ruined my beautiful profession and take care or they will ruin you too.

Barley: Who are you, Dante? What do you do for a living?

Dante: I am a moral outcast.

Barley: Well it's always nice to meet a writer.