Danny Quotes in Pearl Harbor (2001)

Rafe: Danny, you can't die. You can't die. You know why? 'Cause you're gonna be a father. You're gonna be a daddy. I wasn't supposed to tell you. You're gonna be a father.

Danny: No, you are.

Rafe: J, L, M, K, P, O, E, T, X. Eyes like an eagle, ma'am.

Evelyn: Slow down, flyboy. And instead of the bottom, read the very top. Both eyes.

Rafe: Yeah. C. Sorry, J.

[Clears throat]

Rafe: C, W, uh, Q, uh, Q

Evelyn: [Smiles] Read the bottom line again, please, but read it right to left and every other letter.

Rafe: E, X...

Danny: X, E.

Rafe: X, E. X, E, ma'am. Ma'am, I know how this looks.

Evelyn: I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I really am, but army and navy requires 20/20 vision.

Rafe: Oh, I... It's not a problem with my eyes. I mean, I can see. I mean I can hit a runnin' rabbit with a $3.00 pistol. I got a problem with letters, that's all.

Evelyn: Well, maybe after some schooling, you could come back and take the test again.

Rafe: No, I had schooling. I mean, the teachers just never knew what to make of it, I... It's just letters. I mix 'em up sometimes. That's all. I mean, I just get 'em backword sometimes. Look here. My math and spatial reasoning and my verbal scores are all excellent.

Evelyn: But you barely passed the written exam.

Danny: Yeah, but he did pass it. So it's my turn now?

Evelyn: No, you'll wait your turn.

Danny: Yes, ma'am.

Rafe: Ma'am, I'm never gonna be an English teacher. But I know why I'm here: to be a pilot. And you don't dogfight with manuals. You don't fly with gauges. I mean, it's all about feeling and speed, and lettin' that plane become like a part of your body. And that manual says that a guy who's a slow reader can't be a good pilot. That file says I'm the best pilot in this room. Ma'am, please, don't take my wings.

Danny: You know, the only thing that scares me is that you might love him more than you love me.

Evelyn: I love YOU, Danny.

Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle: I heard what you did.

Rafe: We can explain that, sir.

Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle: Explain what?

Danny: Whatever it is you heard about us, sir.

Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle: You mean the hoola shirts you were flying in... or the seven planes you shot down.

Danny: Why the hell is the US Navy practicing this early on a Sunday morning?

Danny: I think World War II just started.

Rafe: Alright Danny we gonna show 'em how to fly. We gonna play chicken. You ready?

Danny: This ain't the farm and these ain't no crop dusters, I'm not playin chicken with ya.

Rafe: Ah, come on, now don't be a baby.

Danny: Not doin it Rafe.

Rafe: Well, I'm comin right at ya, you can turn or you can hit me. It's up to you.

Danny: Aah, why you always bustin my ass Rafe?

Danny: [sighs]

Danny: Which way ya goin?

Rafe: Uh, right, no left. Left. I'll go left.

Danny: Okay, we're goin left right?

Rafe: Right, right?

Danny: Right, like we're goin left, or right like we're goin right?

Rafe: Well, now you got me all mixed up, I dunno make up your mind!

Danny: God, Rafe, we're goin right. Righty-Tighty!

Danny: You're a rotten drunk... always have been.

Rafe: Well, you're a lousy friend... that's a new development.

Danny: Y'all pilots?

Gooz: Uh, we're working on it. There's a lot of switches and stuff. Pride of the Pacific.

Earl: Who are you?

Danny: Terrors of the Skies.

Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle: Secretary of the Navy gave me these.

Danny: What are they?

Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle: Friendship medals the Japanese gave us when they were pretending they wanted peace.

Rafe: What do you want me to do with them sir?

Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle: We're gonna wire them to the bombs and give them back.

Danny: You know he taught me to fly, I always knew that not matter what kind of trouble I got into, I wouldn't be in it alone, he'd be there with me. Up there he was always pushin me to be better and faster.

Evelyn: He told me you were a great flyer... The same night he told me, he volunteered to go to England.

Danny: He volunteered? He-he told me he'd been assigned. He was always tryin to protect me. But ya know what I look at myself in the mirror in this uniform... and I still don't know who I am, I look like a hero... but I don't feel like it.

[sighs]

Danny: Rafe... he always looked the part didn't he?

Evelyn: He couldn't wait to be one

Danny: How can I not feel this way? I kinda' like it.

Evelyn: Oh, you do.

Danny: To Rafe McCawely the best pilot and the best friend I ever knew... Or ever will know. TO RAFE .

Gooz: Be careful with the lady folk... they cloud the mind.

Danny: Thanks Gooz.

Rafe: Danny, Lets play some chicken with these Jap suckers.

Danny: Alright I'm with you.

Rafe: Dolittle assigned me. He wanted me to get some... some real combat training.

Danny: Well guess what? It isn't training over there, it's war. Where losers die and there aren't any winners, just guys who turn into broken-down wrecks like my father. Now if trouble awaits me, I'm ready. But why go looking for it?

Danny: [exiting from theater] Evelyn!

Evelyn: Danny! Some comedy, huh?

Danny: Yeah.

Evelyn: It's been a while.

Danny: Yeah, I've been busy training and stuff.

Evelyn: Yeah, I've kinda been avoiding you too.

Danny, Evelyn: Listen, do you...

Danny: Do you want to?

Evelyn: Yeah.

Archie: Bandy, you ever ask a stupid question like that again, see Danny there? He's gonna slap you.

Bandy: Sorry Arch, I was, I was just trying to use initiative.

Archie: Danny, slap him.

[Danny smacks Bandy]

Archie: With the right, Danny, properly.

[Danny smacks Bandy with the right hand]

Archie: No, no, no, NO! Come on, do it properly with the back of the right hand!

Danny: What is this, a tennis match, Arch?

Archie: Slap him!

[Danny slaps Bandy]

Archie: Oh, for fu... Like this.

[slaps Bandy himself]

Archie: Now if you can master a slap like that, there's no need for your clients to hold back. They will open up like a fountain, full of words. No need for strong violence, no no. They're transported back to their childhoods. Putty in your hands. Ask Bandy. Look, thinks he's back at school.

Danny: But he never went to school, Arch.

Archie: You want a slap as well, Daniel, eh? Now, if a slap don't work, you cut 'em or you pay 'em. But you keep your receipts, 'cause this ain't the Mafia. Now get out there 'n look for the painting!

[first lines]

Danny: You don't mess with the Zohan!

[Robert sawing off a shotgun]

Danny: They were people!

Robert: Yeah, well, so was my dad.

Aardvark: What was it like?

[Robert stops sawing]

Robert: It was good.

[Robert resumes sawing]

Jed Eckert: [at the execution of Daryl Bates and Stepan Gorsky] Do you want blindfolds?

Stepan Gorsky: This violates the Geneva convention.

Jed Eckert: I never heard of it!

Stepan Gorsky: Dogface! I show you how Soviet dies!

Robert: I've seen it before, pal.

Danny: [who is tied up in the distance, with the horses] This isn't happening! Jed, let him go! He was one of us!

Jed Eckert: Shut up, Danny! Shut up!

Robert: He told them where we were!

Jed Eckert: He did. Now get your rifles.

Matt Eckert: *No!*

Jed Eckert: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Matt Eckert: *We're not doing it!*

Stepan Gorsky: [to Daryl] Boy, say at me you are friend, so I will not die alone.

Matt Eckert: What's the difference, Jed?

Robert: I'll do it.

Matt Eckert: Shut up, Robert!

[to Jed]

Matt Eckert: *Tell me what's the difference between us and them!*

Jed Eckert: Because WE *LIVE* HERE!

[kills Stepan; Robert kills Daryl]

Darryl Bates: [Pouring a can of soup in the pot] That's the last of it... except for the olives.

Matt Eckert: We still got plenty of meat left.

Danny: Just stuff you shot.

Matt Eckert: So tell me, dork, where do you suppose hamburgers come from?

Danny: Nobody shoots them.

Darryl Bates: We need food.

Matt Eckert: [after their flight from Calumet, Jed is fixing the radiator on his pickup-truck] Did you get it?

Jed Eckert: Yeah, I got it. Only thing is, we got one problem: we don't have any water.

Matt Eckert: How about pissing in it?

Jed Eckert: That's a good idea. Get up here.

[laughs]

Danny: How do you know it'll work?

Jed Eckert: How old are you, kid?

Danny: Fifteen. And the name's Danny, not "kid."

Jed Eckert: Well, when you grow up... then you'll know these things, Danny. Now get up here and piss in the radiator.

Matt Eckert: [after Toni and Robert are KIA, the Eckert Brothers plan a diversion while Danny and Erica cross the enemy lines] We're all that's left. Somebody's gotta live. Somebody's gotta make it. Me and Jed, we're all used up.

Erica: I'm never gonna forget... as long as I live.

Matt Eckert: Don't.

Danny: You're never gonna know who won.

Matt Eckert: Who WILL?

Jed Eckert: My family would want me to stay alive. Your family would want you to stay alive. You think you're so smart, man, but you're just a bunch of scared kids.

Danny: So what do you think *you* are?

Jed Eckert: ...Alone, I guess.

Matt Eckert: [comes and stands with him] No, you're not.

Danny: [at the Wolverines' funeral for Colonel Andy Tanner and Arturo "Aardvark" Mondracon] These were good friends. Take them away from here... someplace safe... where this world's war never happened. And as we remember... please let them forget, O Lord... so they can be little again.

Erica: [to Stepan] Do you speak German?

Matt Eckert: So what if he does? You don't.

Stepan Gorsky: Gorsky, Stepan Yevgenyvitch...!

Robert: NOBODY GIVES A DAMN WHO YOU ARE!

[He and his fellow Wolverines proceed to beat up Stepan]

Danny: [as he and Toni look on] They're gonna hurt him!

Toni: Good!

Splinter: I too once had a family, Danny. Many years ago I lived in Japan: a pet of my master Yoshi, mimicking his movements from my cage and learning the mysterious art of Ninjitsu, for Yoshi was one of Japan's finest shadow warriors. His only rival was a man named Oroko Saki, and they competed in all things, but in nothing more fiercely than for the love of a woman, Tang Shen. Shen's love was only for my master and rather than see him fight Saki for her hand, she persuaded Yoshi to flee with me to America. But Saki vowed vengeance. I remember it well, as my master returned home to find his beloved Shen lying on the floor, and then he saw her killer. Saki wasted no words, and during the struggle, my cage was broken. I leapt to Saki's face, biting and clawing, but he threw me to the floor and took one swipe with his Katana, slicing my ear. Then he was gone, and I was alone.

Danny: What became of this Oroku Saki?

Splinter: Nobody really knows... But you wear his symbol.

Michaelangelo: Oh man, I could go for a little deep dish action right about now.

Danny: I had some pizza here the other day. There might be some left over.

[Donatello takes a look]

Michaelangelo: Well?

Donatello: Question!

Michaelangelo: Grrr, yeah?

Donatello: Do you like penicillin on your pizza?

Michaelangelo: Doh!

[Donatello and Michelangelo start humming "Taps" and set the pizza aside]

[the Turtles' weapons are aimed at Danny as he exits the closet]

Danny: Don't shoot!

Raphael: [his weapon is a Sai] I don't think it's loaded, kid.

April O'Neil: [trying to change the subject from Charles giving her security] Hey, Danny, how's school going?

Danny: Fine.

Charles: Oh, wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that I have to drive him there every morning now just to make sure he goes.

Walter: [about Zorgons] What do they eat?

Astronaut: Meat.

Danny: That's good.

Astronaut: Dude. You're meat.

Danny: Why'd you wish for a football? You could've wished us out of here!

Walter: I was under a lot of pressure! He was yelling at me!

[meaning the Astronaut]

Danny: [turns around] Why were you yelling?

Astronaut: [sits on the bed] OK guys. Here's the thing: I've played this game before. OK? I played it with my own brother 15 years ago.

Walter: You're a player?

Astronaut: Yeah. Just like you guys. We were fighting a lot back then. And when the game started, it got even worse. Every time we spun, we got madder and madder at one another. And then I landed on the Star Space, the same one that Walter just landed on. I was *so* mad at him that when the star passed... I made my wish.

Walter: What'd you wish for?

Astronaut: I wished that my brother had never been born.

Danny: Oh my god.

[Walter looks at Danny, then at the Astronaut]

Astronaut: As soon as I did, it felt horrible. I thought, you know if I could spin again maybe I, I could land on another Star Space and wish him back but, the game wouldn't let me. So it wasn't my turn. Walter, there are some games you can't play alone.

Danny: I'm hungry. Can you make me some macaroni-and-cheese?

Walter: Don't know how.

Danny: but, I'm hungry; what *do* you know how to make?

Walter: Water.

Walter: What are you doing?

Danny: Making mac-and-cheese.

Walter: There's no water, dummy, we're in outer space.

[Danny turns the water on]

Walter: Why're you doing that?

Danny: Beacuse I'm hungry and I know you're not goiong to take care of me.

Walter: Don't bother; the gas won't work.

Danny: [turns the stove on] Any more advice?

Danny: Wanna play Stratego?

Walter: No, you always cheat at board games.

Danny: But you can't even cheat at Stratego!

Walter: Trust me, you'll find a way.

Danny: Your're gonna leave us alone in this creepy old house?

Dad: It's not creepy, it's old.

Walter: I like mom's better.

Dad: Well, so did she and now it's hers.

Walter: [reads card] Meteorites. Take evasive action.

Danny: What does that mean?

Walter: I don't know, it just says "Meteorites. Take evas...

[meteorite shoots through card]

Danny: A card came out!

Walter: Fascinating!

Danny: [when a tiny meteor shatters the urn above their fireplace] Grandma!

Danny: It's just a goat. It's just a goat. It's just a goat.

[sees it has four eyes]

Danny: It's not a goat. It's not a goat. It's not a goat. It's not a goat. It's not a goat.

Danny: [Running around in circles as meteors bombard the living room] Take evasive action! Take evasive action!

Danny: Zorgons are the lizardmen. They eat meat and we are MEAT!

Walter: ...and then the card comes out...

Danny: Oh, the card. The card. The card. The...

Danny: THE CARD!

Danny, Walter: THE CARD!

Danny: [after seeing what the Zorgons did to the living room] My gerbil was in there.

Danny: You wished for two of me?

Danny: Does cryonic mean ice?

Danny: God, I suck!

Danny: [game says "Flunk Space Academy, go back 1 space] I'm not even going to comment on that.

Danny: It's a black hole! Zathura is a black hole!

Danny: [reads card] Rest... on... standing... astroturf...

Walter: What?

Danny: Rest on standing astroturf!

Walter: Gimme that.

Walter: [reads card] Rescue stranded astronaut!

Danny: [throws glove at Walter] You're such a dick!

Walter: [of the Zorgons] What do they eat?

Astronaut: Meat.

Danny: That's good.

Astronaut: Dude, you're meat.

Danny: Wow! Outer space!

Walter: No... it's just nighttime.

Danny: I don't know, Walter... it never looked so *close* before.

[first lines]

Dad: [playing catch] Oh, man. That's it. Nice grab. Oh, yeah.

Dad: All right, Danny, your turn.

Walter: What? l didn't get my full turn!

Dad: Yeah you did. I counted. That was 25. That's what we said.

Walter: That's not fair!

Dad: lt's exactly fair. Come on, Danny. Time for your turn, then l gotta work for an hour.

Danny: [getting into place] You know, you're not the only one who gets a turn.

Walter: [miming] "The only one who gets a turn."

Danny: I don't think we should play that game anymore.

[last lines]

Lisa: We never speak of this. Okay? Never happened.

Walter: Never happened. Still think l have gorgeous eyes?

Danny: Walter!

Walter: What?

Danny: You Babylonian whore

[Serone unravels a thirty-five foot snake skin]

Danny: The hell is this?

Paul Serone: Anaconda skin.

Danny: There's snakes out there this big?

Paul Serone: This skin is three or four years old, whatever shed it has grown since then.

Danny: Hurry up! I think I can blow him up!

Danny: That's it, man. I'm getting the hell back to L.A...

[investigating a wrecked boat]

Danny: Kinda spooky in here.

Paul Serone: Think so?

Danny: What if you have to pee while you're on fire?

Johnny Blaze: Oh, it's awesome. It's like a flamethrower You know, it's like:

[scene of Ghost Rider urinating fire]

Johnny Blaze: Um, I know that it's a little awkward. I mean, rolling with you guys. I mean, after everything you've been through...

Danny: Dude. You're way cooler than the other guys she usually hangs out with.

Danny: Did we win?

Johnny Blaze: I'm gonna say yes. Hell, yes.

Roarke: You wanted to know why I look this way. Think of... a flamethrower.

[scene of Ghost Rider urinating fire]

Danny: [laughs]

Roarke: Is that funny? Okay. A flamethrower made of papier-mâché. All that power. But try to use it, you burn up. This body I'm living in, it's weak, human. It's dying. It was never made to things that I can do. But you... you're only part human. You have all the power that I have inside of you. Like father, like son.

[leans on to touch Danny, Danny shrugs him off]

Roarke: But this corporeal form can wield the power without burning itself up.

Davies: You don't trust that snake, do you? He's lying.

Danny: Yeah? How do you know?

Davies: His lips were moving.

Danny: What?

Davies: You show me a beautiful woman, I'll show you a bloke who's sick of her shit.

Danny: Shut up.

Davies: Roger that.

Danny: I'm done with killing.

Agent: Yeah well, maybe killing ain't done with you.

Danny: Killing's easy. Living with it's the hard part.

[first lines]

Hunter: Hey, Danny, what are you doing? I buy you a fancy Mexican meal and you're feeding it to a mutt.

Danny: Real fancy. You have any idea what that is?

Hunter: What?

Danny: Tree chicken.

Hunter: What?

Danny: That's what the locals call it. Colds, headaches, hangovers - cures anything. Iguana. That's what they say.

Hunter: What about indigestion?

Agent: Have you heard of the two percent? That's you. Davies, the SAS, all you lot. Mercenaries, hit men, heroes. You're all part of that two percent of men who are natural killers. That's why you'll never get out. You can't run away from who you are, Danny.

Danny: That's not who I am, that's what I've done. And I *can* do something else.

Danny: I want this finished!

Davies: And I want to be around to enjoy the money when it is.

Danny: The first thing you should buy is a pair of balls.

[last lines]

Danny: Hey. Aren't you Anne Frazer? The girl with those weird gumboots?

Anne: Are you Danny Bryce, the boy who went away?

Danny: Yeah. I'm back. Where you headed?

Anne: I don't know.

Danny: Me neither. Want to come along?

Anne: [jumps into car]

Danny: My mother, she was a whore.

Victoria: [announcing to the audience] My selection tonight is dedicated to someone wonderful.

Danny: [looking at Sam] That's you!

Sam: [to Danny] No, no, no, it's not me she's talking about.

Victoria: [announcing to the audience] Someone who's life was quite literally saved by music.

Sam: [leaning over to Danny] That's you, my boy.

Bart: I tell you, I feel really good here. And I feel generous. Danny, what do you want?

Danny: A piano.

Bart: Excuse me?

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: A piano? Oh yeah. How about a lobster dinner?

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: How about a woman? You've never had a woman.

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: Danny, you're starting to piss me off.

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: [laughs] That's what I love about you, Danny. One thought at a time.

[last lines]

Victoria: My selection tonight is dedicated to someone wonderful.

Danny: [whispering to Sam] That's you.

Sam: Oh no, no, no, it's not me she's talking about.

Victoria: Someone whose life was, quite literally, saved by music.

Sam: That's you, my boy.

Bart: [putting the collar back on Danny in Sam's apartment] Welcome home, Danny.

Danny: [stops him at the last second] I AM home.

Sam: You okay?

Danny: She kissed me!

Sam: Yeah, she does that. How was it?

Danny: [pauses] Wet.

Sam: What else?

Danny: [smiles] Nice.

Sam: Wet. Nice. Sounds like what a kiss ought to feel like.

Danny: [With Heartfelt Sincerity] I don't want to hurt people anymore.

Bart: What's wrong with you?

Danny: I don't wanna hurt people anymore.

Bart: Excuse me. Danny, that's what you do. You hurt people.

Danny: Not anymore.

Bart: Cause i'm so pleased to have you home, I'll answer one question. Go on, fire away.

Danny: Did you know my mum?

Bart: Your mum? Why would I know your mum? I found you in the street. Lying on the pavement. You was halfdead. You couldn't even talk. You was just lying there. No one wanting you. No one caring whether you lived or died. Except me.

Bart: I'll make you a deal. If you go down there tonight and do your job. I promise you, tomorrow I will buy you the nicest piano in the whole bleedin' city. How's that?

Danny: I don't wanna hurt people anymore.

Bart: Then you're dead.

[pushes Danny into the fight pit]

Bart: What's wrong with you?

Danny: I don't wanna hurt people anymore.

Bart: Excuse me. Danny,that's what you do. You hurt people.

Danny: Not anymore.

Danny: This one's ripe!

Sam: [teaching Danny about melons] It's also saying "I am ripe." You know what ripe means, don't you?

Danny: No.

Sam: Ripe means sweet, and sweet means good.

Danny: [smiles] The kiss was ripe!

Sam: In the market today, those men were fighting. You know that, right?

Danny: Yes.

Sam: And that didn't bother you?

Danny: No.

Sam: You weren't afraid?

Danny: No.

Sam: In those kinds of circumstances, people are usually afraid.

Danny: They weren't fighting me.

Sam: Do you remember me telling you about where I grew up? In New York City?

Danny: Where Carnegie Hall is!

Sam: Yeah, well, that's where Victoria and I are from. That's our home.

Danny: This is your home.

Sam: No, no this is just a temporary home. We only came here so that Victoria could attend school. What I'm trying to say Danny, is after Victoria graduates, we're going to go back home. We're going to go back to New York. And, well I don't know how this would work out, but we would really like for you to come with us, because we've come to think of you as family, and well that's what families do - they stick together, at least this one does. So what do you say?

Sam: When you first came to us, you were hurt pretty bad.

Sam: How did that happen?

Danny: I asked for a piano.

Sam: You asked who for a piano?

Danny: My uncle.

Sam: Oh, you do have family?

Danny: No.

Sam: But you just said you had an uncle.

Danny: He's dead.

Sam: Oh...

Mason Storm: Who are you?

Danny: My name is Danny. I'm the physical therapist. I'm going to give you a massage, take you down the hall, and make you feel all right, okay?

Mason Storm: Get the fuck out of here.

Danny: Okay, don't worry about anything. I'm just going to take you down the hall.

[Danny sees Russ lying on the floor]

Danny: Russ! Russ! What happened? Doc?

Jack Axel: He's dead.

Danny: [to Mason] Tell you what... How about I get you a piece of lemon chiffon pie out of the refrigerator later?

Danny: MY CUSHION!

Danny: Look! I made this.

Ashe Corven: Who are they?

Danny: Those people?

Ashe Corven: Yeah.

Danny: That's you and me.

Ashe Corven: That's me? And the thing on top over there?

Danny: That?

Ashe Corven: Yeah.

Danny: That's a blue sun!

Ashe Corven: A blue sun?

Danny: Yeah, a blue sun.

[two gun shots heard nearby]

Danny: Ooo. What was that?

[runs outside]

Ashe Corven: Danny, stay here.

[yelling]

Ashe Corven: Danny!

Danny: If you give up now, we won't be together.

Danny: Do you think I could take all this if I didn't have something to give you? I got no idea where that money is, man. Come on. You gotta start looking a little closer to home.

Lee: I hope you're wrong. But I'll find out, sooner or later.

Lee: [pauses] The problem for you is that... you're the sooner.

Danny: [Trina knocks at the door] Hey, baby.

Trina: Hey.

[they kiss]

Trina: Wow. Look at you, all cleaned up. I've missed you.

Danny: I missed you, too. I have dinner reservations at...

Trina: I'm not hungry. Not for food.

[she bites her lip and grins at him]

Danny: Ow.

Trina: What's wrong?

Danny: Oh, nothing. Just a little bruise.

Trina: Baby, let me take care of you.

Danny: All right.

Danny: Shane please, turn your robot off. I feel like I'm in "Lost in Space"

[when Danny asks Shane to get Madonna the robot away from him]

Danny: Shane, would you get this horny can o' tuna away from me please.

Shane: What can I say Dan? Madonna wants you. I'm not doing, Dan, I swear. I don't know why she reacts to you that way.

Danny: Well, you must not be treating her right. Why don't you pick up a can of WD-40 and go to town.

Danny: All right, now, what does R2D2 think?

Danny: Nice security, pal.

Frank: What are you? A Boy Scout?

Danny: Yeah, about to earn another merit badge.

[about the second liquid bomb in the limo]

Frank: Mr. O' Neal, what do ya have for me?

Danny: For you? I don't have shit. Now get away from me. I don't want any terrorist mistaking us for friends.

Frank: Look, I know you guys like conspiracy theories, but it is possible he acted alone.

Danny: Unlikely. Especially if he's not talking. That means he's scared.

Frank: So what are you thinking?

Danny: I'm thinking I gotta take a piss. You wanna help me?

[frank nods]

Danny: No? That's good.

Danny: Where'd you get this number?

Frances: I looked it up in the book, under 'D' for dickhead.

Danny: [after being slapped] If you ever do that again, I'm gonna pull your eyeballs outta your head and eat 'em.

Sedgwick: Danny, do you speak Russian?

Danny: A little, but only one sentence.

Sedgwick: Well, let me have it, mate.

Danny: Ya vas lyublyu.

Sedgwick: Ya ya vas...

Danny: Lyublyu.

Sedgwick: Lyubliu? Ya vas lyubliu. Ya vas lyublyu. What's it mean?

Danny: I love you.

Sedgwick: Love you. What bloody good is that?

Danny: I don't know, I wasn't going to use it myself.

Danny: Oh, Hendley. I need a pick. Big, heavy one.

Hendley: Only one?

Danny: Two would be better.

Bartlett: Gentlemen, no doubt you've heard the immortal words of our new commandant: devote your energies to things other than escape, and sit out the war as comfortably as possible.

Sedgwick: [derisively] Ha!

Bartlett: Well, that's exactly what we're going to do. We're going to devote our energies to sports and gardening, all the cultural pursuits as far as they're concerned. In fact, we're going to put the goons to sleep. Meanwhile, we dig. Now, even a superficial look at the compound shows us that Huts 104 and 5 are closest to the woods. The first tunnel goes out from 105, directly east under the vorlager, the cooler, and the wire.

Willie: But that's over three hundred feet, Roger!

Bartlett: Did you make a survey, Dennis?

Cavendish: Only a temporary one, sir. I make it just over three hundred and thirty-five feet.

Bartlett: Let me know when you've got an exact one. Willie, this time we'll dig straight down thirty feet before we go horizontal. That'll rule out any question of sound detection or probing.

Willie: All right, Roger. But did you say "the first tunnel"?

Bartlett: I did. There will be three. We'll call them Tom, Dick, and Harry. Tom, as I said, goes out directly east from 104. Dick goes north from the kitchen, and Harry goes out parallel to Tom from 105. If the goons find one, we'll move into the other.

MacDonald: How many men do you plan to take out, Roger?

Bartlett: Two hundred and fifty.

[Shocked stares]

Bartlett: There will be no half-measures this time, gentlemen. There will be identification papers and documents for everyone. And Griff, we'll need outfits for the lot.

Griffith: Two hundred and fifty?

Bartlett: Mostly civilian clothes.

Griffith: Yes, but, um... okay, Roger.

Bartlett: Mac. Maps, blankets, rations, compasses for all the walkers, and timetables for every train.

MacDonald: Right, Roger.

[Blythe enters]

Colin: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

Bartlett: It's all right, Colin. Sit down. We're going to tunnel.

Colin: Splendid.

Bartlett: Willie, you and Danny will be tunnel kings. Danny, you'll be in charge of traps, and I'll work out the exact location with you tomorrow.

Danny: Good.

Bartlett: Sedgwick, manufacturer. Griffith, I said, tailor. Nimmo and Hayes, diversions. Mac, of course, will take care of intelligence. Hendley? We haven't met. Scrounger?

Stratwitch: [Danny and Sedgewick are trying to sneak out with a group of Russian prisoners] Halt!

[walks over to Sedgewick]

Stratwitch: Out!

[pause]

Stratwitch: OUT!

Danny: [No, No! Comrade!] Nyet, nyet! Tovarich!

Stratwitch: Oh, he's your friend.

Danny: [Comrade!] Tovarich!

Stratwitch: And who vouches for you, Lieutenant Willenski? Come on out, Sedgewick.

Danny: [hands coat back to Russian prisoner and steps out of line] Spasiba.

[thanks]

Danny: Willie, since I was a boy, I hate and fear little rooms, closets, caves.

Willie: But Danny, you've dug seventeen tunnels. Over seventeen!

Danny: Because I must get out! I hide the fear, and I dig. Tomorrow night in the tunnel with all those men... I'm afraid maybe this time I will lose my head and ruin the escape for everybody.

Willie: [arriving at Stalag Luft III] How far are the trees, Danny?

Danny: Over... two hundred feet.

Willie: Yeah, I'd say three hundred.

Danny: Long ways to dig.

Willie: We'll get Cavendish to make a survey. I wish Big X were here.

Danny: Willy, you think X got away?

Willie: Well, he'd have sent us word somehow if he had.

Danny: Gestapo, you think?

Willie: Either that or he's dead.

Willie: This is the dirt from the compound.

Danny: This is from the tunnel.

[Mac takes a handful of tunnel dirt and sprinkles it onto the mound from the compound]

MacDonald: Wherever we put it, they're going to spot it a mile away.

Willie: Well, maybe we could put it under the huts. The dirt's dark there.

MacDonald: Nah. No, it's the first place the ferrets would look. I saw one measuring the height under a hut yesterday.

Willie: Well, maybe we could dry it out the same color.

Danny: We'll have fifty tons of it.

Willie: Well, I was just thinking out loud.

Bartlett: If you must think, for God's sake, think clearly. Where the devil is Ashley-Pitt?

MacDonald: We can't destroy the dirt, and we can't eat it. The only thing left to do is... camouflage it. That's as far as my thinking takes me.

[Ashley-Pitt enters]

Bartlett: Didn't they teach you promptness in the R.N.?

Ashley-Pitt: You'll never believe it, but I think I have the solution. The problem is somehow to get rid of this tunnel dirt over the compound.

Bartlett: Well, of course.

Ashley-Pitt: Would you mind?

[Eric hands Danny and Willie a blanket, which they set on the floor, while Eric gets his contraption ready]

Ashley-Pitt: Now... you fill these bags with the dirt from the tunnel. Then, wearing them *inside* your trousers, you wander out into the compound, where you pull these strings in your pockets. Out come the pins...

[Eric pulls the pins out to demonstrate]

Danny: Eric, it's good.

Ashley-Pitt: All you have to do is... kick it in. Unless you're a complete fool, the ferrets will never see a thing.

MacDonald: It's indecently brilliant. What do you think, Roger?

Bartlett: We'll try it first thing tomorrow.

Ashley-Pitt: I already have. It works.

Danny: The humans have tried everything. Now it's up to us dogs, and the twilight bark.

Danny: [echoing] Good luck, Pongo. If you lose your way, contact the barking chain. They'll be standing by!

[speaking to Billy Fish in Kafiri]

Billy Fish: Ootah say take your pick. He have twenty three daughters.

Danny: Those are his daughters? Why the dirty old beggar!

Peachy Carnehan: Now, now Danny. Different countries, different ways. He's only being hospitable according to his lights. Billy, tell him one's as pretty as the next and we cannot choose.

[Billy translates; Ootah replies in Kafiri]

Billy Fish: Ootah say he also have thirty-two sons if you are liking boys.

Peachy Carnehan: [angrily] Tell him he makes my gorge rise; tell him!

Danny: Now Peachy, different countries, different ways. Tell Ootah we have vowed not to take a woman until all his enemies are vanquished.

Danny: You mean he's piled up a fortune of sixty cows out of her infidelities?

Billy Fish: And thirty-two goats.

Danny: She ain't a wife, she's a going concern!

Danny: You mortals wait down there!

Danny: Come on, Jane, we've beat old Captain Hook together!

Jane: Daniel, please! I have no time for fun and games

Danny: You use to, you were going to be the very first lost girl ever!

Jane: That was a long time ago

Danny: Yeah, back when you were fun!

Danny: Look, if you're going to accept what they think of you, then you can leave. I almost did.

Cranston: Well, you should have. Life here for animals is the pits. We're always playing the scapegoat.

Woolie Mammoth: Quickly forgotten.

Frances: Working for scale.

Danny: Then why are you still here? Because you can't get over that feeling, can you? That feeling you get when... when you two dance together. When you play. When you sing. They cursed you, humilliated you, even slammed the door on your face, but they haven't made you forget. Have they?

Danny: If we all work together, we can make our dreams come true. Let's show the world what we can do.

Max: [clenching Danny in his grip] How does the kitty cat go?

Danny: Meow?

Max: Very Gooood.

Sawyer: Look, tiger. This town has rules. Around here cats say, "Meow."

Danny: But that's so old hat. I'm sure no one would mind if I jazzed this up a bit.

Sawyer: Okay, learn it the hard way.

Danny: [dramiatic reading] Meow!

[as Gabby Hayes]

Danny: Meow! Dagnabit, meow!

[as Edward G. Robinson]

Danny: Meow, see? Yeah, that's it. Meow! Meow!

Darla Dimple: [singing] I've seen 'em come and I've seen 'em go / There's one thing that I know / You gotta give the people what they want / Or you'll wind up back in Kokomo, Nebraska.

Danny: Uh, Indiana, Ms. Dimple.

Darla Dimple: ...Whatever.

Danny: Looks like we'll be the only two cats on the ark. Isn't that great?

Sawyer: So much for preserving the species!

Danny: But I thought Hollywood was always looking for new talent.

Woolie Mammoth: Ah, ah, talented *people*, not animals.

[sighs]

Woolie Mammoth: You see, the spotlight will never be on fellows like you and me, and it's foolish to think otherwise, Danny.

Danny: What if I could get you an audition with L.B. Mammoth?

Sawyer: L.B. Mammoth? Head of Mammoth Studios?

Danny: I'm sure he'd appreciate good talent.

Cranston: After nothing but Darla, he's gotta be starving for it!

Danny: Look at you standing there with the long, long face.

Horse: [to another horse] Hey, he must be talking to you.

Danny: I hear Farley Wink gets good parts for animals.

Frances: If you call hanging from a hook a good part.

Danny: Wow! My own dream come true.

Farley Wink: Yeah, yeah. But remember: 10% of that dream is mine.

Danny: Say, what happened back there?

Sawyer: Look, I...

Danny: Did I hit a sour note? Because if I hit a sour note, I can go back and... I can fix it.

Sawyer: Danny, they don't care! Don't you get it? What's the matter with you? Why are you so determined on making a fool of yourself?

Danny: What do you mean? All I want to do is the thing I love. Doesn't everyone?

Sawyer: It's not that simple.

Danny: It is in Kokomo.

Sawyer: Then... maybe that's where you should have stayed.

Molly: It's the ugliest thing I've seen!

Danny: Reminds me of your friend Laurie.

Molly: Does not!

Molly: I knew spiders were ticklish!

Danny: That's 'cause you're my sister!

Danny: Now I know how an ant feels.

Molly: It's really dark in here.

Danny: I hope you brought your night light, Molly.

Danny: Black it up, Pat.

Pat: [to his mother] Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.

Danny: Bad combination.

Pat: On top of an anxiety disorder.

Devlin Adams: So, where's Danny?

Katherine: [pause] Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.

Devlin Adams: Come again?

Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.

Devlin Adams: Why?

Katherine: Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.

Devlin Adams: Really?

Katherine: So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.

Devlin Adams: Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.

Katherine: He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.

Devlin Adams: [pause] Ian and I are breaking up.

Katherine: What? What happened?

Devlin Adams: Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him

Ian Maxtone Jones: [with a group of sailors] That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.

Katherine: Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.

Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.

Katherine: Oh! What about the iPod?

Devlin Adams: He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.

Katherine: [laughs] Oh God! So what?

Devlin Adams: Well, this is different?

Katherine: Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?

Devlin Adams: I don't know.

[They hug. Devlin sees Danny behind Katherine]

Danny: Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?

Devlin Adams: I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce.

Danny: [after Michael has conned him into taking everybody to Hawaii] I can't believe I let a six year-old blackmail me.

Michael: [Nonchalantly] I saw my shot... and I took it.

Danny: Listen, I don't like more than a handful of titty. No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like, no! Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.

Don Jon: Jesus Christ!

Bobby: Yeah, your mom do got some big-ass titties.

Danny: Don't talk about my mother.

Bobby: You brought up your mother.

Shelly DeVoto: This is Phil, Harry, Gramoo, and Vada Sultenfuss.

Danny: Vada Sultenfuss? Tough break.

Vada Sultenfuss: I like my name.

Ramon: So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?

Chico: Like what?

Ramon: Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.

Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.

Chico: Well, I can play the piano with my dick.

Tommy aka White Knife: Well, we're unstoppable then.

Danny: That is some mystical shit!

Danny: I did a real stupid thing that inadvertently led to the death of a United States president, I'm feeling pretty lousy about it.

Frank Stockburn: Well son, look at my eyes... Shit happens!

Danny: Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, sir.

[Danny tells his brothers the incident with President Lincoln]

Danny: Mr. President, say, I'm gonna go hit the little boy's room.

Abraham Lincoln: Are you shitting me?

Danny: Come on, you'll be fine superstar. Can I get you something on the way back? Agua? Brewski?

Abraham Lincoln: No.

Danny: Alright. Fair enough, I'll be back in two.

John Wilkes Booth: [running into one another in the hall] Where's the president's box?

Danny: John Wilkes Booth, the actor?

John Wilkes Booth: Yeah.

Danny: No way, man! Big fan! You wanna say hi to the president? He'd get a real kick out of that. Last door on the left.

John Wilkes Booth: Thank you!

Danny: Really cool. Wow, love that guy!

Danny: [Danny is pooping when he hears a gunshot fired and women screaming] Abe!

Tommy aka White Knife: Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?

Chico: I'm ready.

Ramon: I'm hungry.

Danny: I'm drunk.

Lil' Pete: And I'm Lil Pete.

Herm: [unintelligible]

Tommy aka White Knife: Let's get that nugget then...

Danny: I sold a kidney to get this. I mean it wasn't mine, but what am I gonna tell the hooker when she wakes up?

Nick Vaughan: Danny!

[Brooke laughs]

Danny: *Kidding!* She's not gonna wake up.

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?

Barista: A what?

Danny: Large black coffee.

Barista: Do you mean a venti?

Danny: No, I mean a large.

Barista: Venti is large.

Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.

Barista: A venti is a large coffee.

Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?

school boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo.

Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.

Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.

[from trailer]

Ronnie Shields: Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!

Danny: I'm not Ben Affleck.

Ronnie Shields: You white, then you Ben Affleck.

Wheeler: You *are* white.

Danny: That's true, I am white.

Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.

Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?

Danny: Was it cocaine?

Danny: Where am I going to find a girl who hates all the same things I do?

Beth: You're so romantic.

Danny: Hey. Hey... You complete me... You had me at hello.

Beth: Oh, god. Danny you're not hearing what I'm saying to you.

Danny: I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy telling her that... to... love her.

Beth: You don't even know that one.

Danny: Hey, come on. Who are you going to call... Ghostbusters.

Danny: Pick us up in two hours.

Ronnie Shields: Fuck you, Miss Daisy.

Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants.

Gayle Sweeny: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?

Wheeler: In what way are we full of shit?

Danny: Which one of us has the Ph.D?

Augie Farks: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed." "You should not be fighting." "You look like Marvin Hamlisch." You know what I say to the naysayers? I say "Nay! I am not embarrassed." "I will fight." "Who the hell is Marvin Hamlisch?"

Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting.

Wheeler: That's a good movie.

Danny: [on the phone] I'd love to see you... and your whispering eye. Alright. Bye.

[to Augie]

Danny: Whispering eye?

Augie Farks: It means vagina.

[laughing]

Augie Farks: It means vagina.

Danny: Classy move, man.

Augie Farks: It means vagina.

Danny: No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

Danny: God dammit Ronnie!

Ronnie Shields: What? Because I'm black you think I did it?

Danny: No, because you did it is why I think you did it.

[Ronnie jumps on tent pole]

Danny: Let me tell you something, I am not your big, but I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.

Ronnie Shields: Let's dance, Ben Affleck!

Gayle Sweeny: I know why you are here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered.

Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?

Danny: [while urinating neon green liquid] Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss.

Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy?

Augie Farks: Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.

Danny: Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad.

Danny: Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?

Beth: Yes, Wheeler?

Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?

Beth: That's not a stupid question.

Danny: It's real in the game of Monopoly.

Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events.

Ronnie Shields: We are butt suck, chipmunk ass butt! We got ass butt, oh yo ass butt!

Wheeler: Come sit on, sit down! Please! Danny?

Danny: I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it invokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".

Danny: I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shake things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...

Danny: Eight hours down, 142 to go.

Wheeler: This sucks ass.

Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break.

Augie Farks: Would you like to come in and see my turtle?

Danny: I'm fine.

Ronnie Shields: Of course he has turtle.

Danny: Do you like coke?

Augie Farks: I like the idea of it more than I actually like it.

Danny: It's not you, I hate having dinner with people.

Danny: Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr. Crisp.

Cullen Crisp: [shoots him] You're not?

Danny: I think if I was going to have any super power it would be the ability to speak Spanish. That would be amazing wouldn't it? 'Cause you could say stuff like "Hola", "Gazpacho".

Nat: You just said it.

Josh: You're saying it now.

Danny: Oh, wow.

Hugh: Not strictly speaking a super power, though, is it really? Otherwise everyone in Brazil would be superheroes.

Danny: [Nods]

[mumbles]

Danny: Mm, true.

Naomi: They speak Portuguese in Brazil. You cock!

Lee: [on the phone] Hello, darling, can I get Holly Golightly's cottage, please? Thank you.

Danny: Who's Holly Golightly?

Lee: It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

Danny: Oh. What's that?

Lee: It's a movie, a great movie. Hepburn?

Danny: Right. Katharine.

[pause]

Lee: Let me tell you something. Don't tell anyone you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.

Lee: Okay, Siegfried and Roy just left the building. They're heading for the pool deck.

Danny: Siegfried and Roy are here?

Lee: No, not the real Siegfri... It's a code. *You* wanted to play this game, you little schmuck.

Lee: Did you cut this yourself?

Danny: Well, no, Chad in Marketing...

Lee: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Always take credit. That is survival rule number one.

Danny: Okay, yes, I did it on my Mac.

Lee: Rule number two: Don't take credit until someone actually says they like what you did. It's not bad.

Danny: Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat, the monkey is in daycare.

Danny: How will you get Eddy and Gwen there?

Lee: Don't worry. I know somebody.

Lee: Now, we have to keep the press entertained and on the go. The best junkets are the ones where the press thinks it's a weekend not about the movie, but about them. So we have to program the shit out of them: cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks. Whatever you have to do to keep them from remembering they haven't seen the movie they're there to review. What are we doing for gifts?

Danny: Oh, uh, the movie's about a cop traveling through time, so l did a gun.

Lee: You're giving members of the press a gun?

Danny: Well, no, it's not real...

Lee: [rolls his eyes] We'll do a bag, a really nice bag. Call Sol, the bag man. Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men. Move it, Gail! Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.

Lee: [on the phone] Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. Listen, I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not! Are you okay?... Oh, that's too bad... No, no, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki, and she looks unbelievable. It may be a little "hello, young lovers" for me, and I may have some fires to put out later, but hey, that's my problem, isn't it?... Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye.

[hangs up]

Lee: Five minutes.

Danny: You're amazing.

Lee: Take notes, kid.

Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Cos if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.

Withnail: You wouldn't spike me, you're too mean. Beside there's nothing invented I couldn't take.

Danny: If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

Withnail: I could take double anything you could.

Danny: [removing his sunglasses] Very, very foolish words, man.

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.

Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.

Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.

Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?

Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

Withnail: What absolute twaddle.

Marwood: Give me a Valium, I'm getting the FEAR!

Danny: [very calmly] You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mls of diazepam on you, it will do something else to your brain. You will make it low. Why trust one drug and not the other? That's politics, innit?

Marwood: I'm gonna eat some sugar.

[he goes to the kitchen]

Danny: I recommend you smoke some more grass.

Marwood: No way, no fucking way.

Danny: That is an unfortunate political decision. Reflecting these times.

Withnail: What are you talking about, Danny?

Danny: Politics, man. If you're hanging onto a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision - let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworths, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black.

Danny: I see you're wearing a suit.

Withnail: What's it got to do with you?

Danny: No need to get uptight, man. I was merely making an observation. I happened to be looking for a suit for the Coalman two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you. The Coalman had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow. Had a weight under his fez. We worked out it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the Coalman. Goes into court in his kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan, they can't handle the bell. So, there's this judge sitting there in a cape like fucking Batman with this really rather far-out looking hat.

Withnail: Wig.

Danny: No, man, this was more like a long white hat. So, he looks at the Coalman and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress." And the Coalman looks at him and says "You think *you* look normal, your honour?" Cunt gave him two years.

Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Then you gotta change its drawers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the little girls. So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well.

Withnail: Shits itself?

Danny: He's an expert. He's building the prototype now.

Marwood: [after trying the Camberwell Carrot] Give me a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing, I've gotta unfuck my brain!

Danny: Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It'll pass. Be seated.

Marwood: Aren't you getting absurdly high?

Danny: Precisely the reason I'm smoking it.

Danny: This pill's valued at two quid.

Withnail: Two quid? You're out of your mind.

Marwood: That's sense, Withnail.

Withnail: You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!

Danny: Has he just been busted?

Marwood: No.

Danny: Then why's he wearing that old suit?

Withnail: Old suit? This suit was cut by Hawkes of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!

Danny: Where exactly have you two been?

Marwood: Holiday in the countryside.

Danny: That's a very good idea. London is a country coming down from its trip. We are 91 days from the end of this decade and there's gonna be a lot of refugees.

Danny: Law rather appeals to me actually.

[Withnail laughs uncontrollably and drops to the floor]

Danny: Just high.

[Marwood comes out of the bathroom wearing a towel]

Danny: You're looking very beautiful, man. Have you been away? Saint Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that.

Danny: [scene from Cameron's movie, "To Serve and Protect"] I love you, Billy.

Cameron: Wait! Do you love me as a friend or in another way?

Danny: Another way, Billy!

Cameron: You mean, as a brother?

Danny: No, another way.

Cameron: You mean, as a cousin?

Danny: No! Another way.

Cameron: [frowns] You mean, as a penpal?

Danny: You remember when you tried to tell me what your family thought about love? Well, let me tell you what I think love is. Love is how you speak to me. You have a softness in your voice that- And love is how you touch me... and guide me showing me the way to go. And when we kiss-when we kiss... it moves me to my soul.

Danny: Doc, are you naked again?

Danny: My brother, Larry- when I was a kid- told me that kids were supposed to run free in the park... 'cause that's what parks are for. But he didn't tell me about trees. I really hate trees. Like, a lot.

Danny: [Narrating] My mom was the kind of person whose love could kill you if you weren't careful. I guess she blames herself because I was born three months premature.

Lucia: Have a good day, okay?

Larry: Mom!

Danny: [Narrating] But I was just in a hurry to get out. I'm always in a hurry.

Danny: If we feel something for each other and she wants to do it, then we'll do it. Only if she wants to do it.

Larry: Yeah. Yeah, Danny, that's how it usually works. Otherwise they arrest you and charge you with rape.

Sensitive Date: So you're really blind?

Danny: Yes.

Sensitive Date: [sobs uncontrollably]

Danny: I love your perfume. And your smile.

Danny: I've already seen you. I've seen your face. I've seen your eyes. I've seen your lips and your hair. I've seen everything, and you're beautiful.

Bernie: I wanna talk to you, man. All that stuff that I was sayin' to you about her potentially being Alison? I didn't mean it, man. I'm seeing a difference in you. I feel like it's because of her. I'm kind of like, jealous, a little bit? I'm really happy for you, Danny.

Danny: Really?

Bernie: Fuck no! This is stupid.

Danny: You think I could be your best man when you two get married?

Danny: [yanking on the leash] Heel, motherfucker!

Bernie: Was that the chick from last night?

Danny: Yeah, I picked up the phone and she was already on the line.

Bernie: Yeah, right. Pull this leg and it plays jingle bells.

Danny: Hey, know one thing - I never screwed around on you.

Debbie: Oh, well, let's just give the boy a medal! I didn't realise it was such a sacrifice.

Bernie: I stole it

Danny: You did not.

Bernie: Oh, that's great, Dan. I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar.

Bernie: [Danny tells Bernie that he told Debbie he loves her] Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!

[pauses]

Bernie: Who said it first?

Danny: I did.

Bernie: Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!

[pauses]

Bernie: Was it before you came, or after?

Danny: He is a better human being than that bitch on wheels you've got for a friend!

Danny: Yo, Gus. How about a refill?

Gus: Yo, Dan. You know where the coffee is.

Danny: I'm trying to impress my date.

Gus: Then you shouldn't have brought her here.

Joan: Oh, God! Another smoker! Look, do you mind?

Danny: Oh, sorry, didn't know you were eating.

[Joan snuffs the cigarette in the sink]

Joan: There. I just added another seven minutes to your life... it's alright, I don't expect a thank you.

Danny: Thank you.

Danny: [asking about Steve] Did you sleep with him?

Debbie: No, Dan, we were bowling partners.

Bernie: Are you getting serious? Well, she seemed like a hell of a girl. From what little I saw of her. Not too this. Not too that. Very kind of, um, what?... Ah, what the fuck, I only saw her for a minute. First impressions of this kind can often be misleading. Does she give head?

Danny: What?

Bernie: To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to you?

[Silence]

Bernie: Forget it.

Danny: That's good! Now maybe you could find it in your heart to take this thing and shove it up your ass.

Danny: Oh, you're not leavin' are ya?

Joan: No, we're walking in backwards.

Joan: So, worried much about western civilization?

Danny: Not really. Not tonight.

Joan: It's collapsing, or hadn't you notice?

Danny: I live in a pretty good neighborhood.

[about their ended relationship]

Danny: I think I thought it was going to be different than it...

Debbie: than what it was really like? Me, too. Maybe we were just - too naive.

Danny: Yeah, maybe. Maybe we knew too much.

[Danny makes fun of Joan when she comes in with a cake]

Danny: Joanie! God, she looks grea... Oh, and she baked us a pie!

Joan: Your vulgarian friend is downstairs, denting innocent people's fenders.

Danny: [shouts down the stair hallway] Yoooo, Litko!

Mr. Favio: You know what you are, Martin? You're a 14-carat fuck-up, that's what you are.

Danny: Something wrong?

Mr. Favio: Goddamn smartmouth. Jesus, you got a mouth! You think people like that mouth? You think customers like it? Mr Big Shot. How come you didn't cut off that dump on canal street?

Danny: The Swallow?

Mr. Favio: Awww, I say dump and he immediately connects with the Swallow! You know what a swallow is?

Danny: Oh let me guess, it's a bird?

Mr. Favio: Yeah it's a bird, a loser bird, a dodo!

Mr. Favio: Business is business! You cut the son of a bitch off!

Danny: Oh, fuck you!

Mr. Favio: Fuck me? Fuck you!

Danny: Fuck You!

Mr. Favio: Fuck You, Martin!

Bernie: Ah, Mr Favio?

Bernie: Fuck you!

[repeated line]

Danny: Yo, Litgo!

Danny: How's the water? Cold?

Marina: Not as cold as it should be. The North Atlantic drift comes in here. That's warmish water from the Caribbean. That's why it's special here. There's stuff fetching up here all the way from the Bahamas.

Danny: Oh, that's a long way.

Marina: You swim?

Danny: Not that far.

Jake: You can't get mad at people for napping.

Danny: Dude, we get mad at anybody who gets any sleep.

Danny: [Jake's ringtone goes off] What is that? Is that that song from The Shining?

Jake: Yeah, this guy wants to kill me.

Danny: I love that song.

Tommy: Sometimes in this life, a man's gotta answer for his indiscretions!

[the scene transitions to when the mob had Merv Green tied to a chair]

Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I was just trying to help the children!

Tommy: Oh, so you like kids, eh?

Merv Green: Oh, sure!

Tommy: Oh, then I bet you know some fairy tales then.

Merv Green: Yeah!

Tommy: Hey, Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick that gets his head chopped off with an axe!

Merv Green: [Danny pulls out an axe and approaches him] No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!

[You see a shadow of Danny lowering the axe at Merv Green and transitions back to now where Sheldon looks horrified]

Sheldon: I don't think I feel so good about this all of a sudden, Tommy.

Danny: Then we took his head and played a little...

Sheldon: Okay, that's... way more information than I'd like to have at this point, thanks.

Danny: This band behind me'll tell you that that trophy means more to me than aught else in the whole world. But they'd be wrong! Truth is, I THOUGHT it mattered. I thought that MUSIC mattered. But does it? Bollocks! Not compared to how people matter. Us winning this trophy won't mean bugger-all to most people. But us refusing it - like what we're going to do now - well, then it becomes news, doesn't it?

[flurry of press camera shutters]

Danny: You see what I mean. That way, I'll not just be talking to myself, will I? Because over the last ten years, this bloody government has systematically destroyed an entire industry. OUR industry. And not just our industry - our communities, our homes, our lives. All in the name of "progress". And for a few lousy bob. I'll tell you something else you might not know, as well. A fortnight ago, this band's pit were closed - another thousand men lost their jobs. And that's not all they lost. Most of them lost the will to win a while ago. A few of them even lost the will to fight. But when it comes to losing the will to live, to breathe, the point is - if this lot were seals or whales, you'd all be up in bloody arms. But they're not, are they, no, no they're not. They're just ordinary common-or-garden honest, decent human beings. And not one of them with an ounce of bloody hope left. Oh aye, they can knock out a bloody good tune. But what the fuck does that matter?

[gasps emotionally, close to tears]

Danny: And now I'm going to take my boys out onto the town. Thank you.

[rapturous applause]

Danny: The truth is, I thought it mattered - I thought that music mattered. But does it? Bollocks! Not compared to how people matter.

Phil: I love the band - we all do - but there's other things in life, you know, that's more important.

Danny: Not in mine there isn't.

[last lines]

Danny: All right then, lads and lasses.

[ironically]

Danny: Land of Hope and bloody Glory, eh?

[Sandra is throwing plates after Phil and Danny]

Danny: She's a bit careless with the crockery, your Sandra!

[at a rehearsal, the band finish playing The Helston Floral Dance, apparently flawlessly]

Danny: Crap! That's what that was! A load of bloody crap.

Harry: Blimey, Danny, you've been on 'oliday or wha'?

Danny: Howdayamean?

Harry: Well, it may've escaped your notice like the pit's under threat.

Danny: Aye. Wha'sat got'do wi'this?

Harry: Oh my. You're right. Not alot.

Danny: [Advertisement on the back of the band bus] ARKWRIGHT TRAVEL - New York, London, Paris & Grimley - But mainly GRIMLEY

Danny: I'll have you know, that girl blows a flugel like a dream.

Vera: Ohhh, Danny Ormondroyd. At your age.

[Ida laughs as they climb on the bus]

Danny: [looking puzzled] What?

Ernest P. Worrell: My motto is, "I never met a bad kid."

State Supervisor: Then let me introduce you to some. These misfits were selected by their ward leaders as most in need of help.

[they step over to the boys]

State Supervisor: This here's the ringleader, Bobby Wayne. He's been in and out of institutions like this since he was eleven.

Bobby Wayne: Since I was nine.

State Supervisor: And this here's Crutchfield. Twelve years old and already a master thief.

Crutchfield: [Hands back Ernest's wallet] It's like a... gift or something.

Ernest P. Worrell: Well, thanks

[takes the wallet]

State Supervisor: And here's Danny Simpson. He comes from a long line of troublemakers.

Danny: It's a family tradition. I've got a reputation to uphold.

State Supervisor: And the Albert Eeeeiiinstein of this institution, Chip Ooooozgood.

Chip Ozgood: [Says nothing]

State Supervisor: [Shakes her head] Butch Too Cool Vargas.

Butch 'Bubba' Vargas: [Says nothing, looks at her contemptuously]

Danny: Fear excuses surrender?

[telephone conversation]

Danny: Did I have a shot with you? This is sort of important.

Kat: Uh... well, I think you're awesome, but the short answer is no.

Danny: What's... what's the long answer?

Kat: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Danny: [Danny has just scored a date with Theresa and runs into some funeral attendees] Yeah! Oh... sorry... but I just got lucky in there with a girl.

[funeral attendees look shocked]

Danny: Not in that way... she does everybody in there... not in that way. But she probably did that guy there... I gotta go.

Danny: I'll pick you up at seven. Where do you live?

Theresa: Here.

Danny: With the stiffs?

Theresa: Um, my father and I have an apartment upstairs.

Danny: Oh! Yeah, sure! That's uh... convenient!

Danny: [to save time, Danny and Sal decide to transport a corpse out a sixth floor window via a fire hose but the hose turns out to be too short] I guess we have to bring him back up.

Salvatore Buonarte: I'm not bringing him back up here, he's too damn heavy!

Danny: Well, what do you suggest we do?

Salvatore Buonarte: Cut the hose.

Danny: [shocked] Cut the hose?

Salvatore Buonarte: Yeah, let him fall.

Danny: To the ground?

Salvatore Buonarte: Yeah!

Danny: A fall like that could kill a guy!

Salvatore Buonarte: He's dead for Chrissake! He's not gonna mind!

Danny: I suppose you're proud of yourself.

Rose: Just telling it like it is.

Danny: That's been your excuse for the last 67 years.

Rose: My excuse?

Danny: Your excuse for hurting people whenever the hell you feel like it!

Rose: I don't hurt people.

Danny: Oh no? I guess you didn't hurt Aunt Dolly on her wedding day when you said she looked like a, uh, a cheap Las Vegas hooker.

Rose: Well, did you see the wedding dress? The back of it was cut right down to here. You could see the crack of her - Well, it was indecent.

Danny: And I guess you didn't hurt cousin Jerry when you called his German wife a Nazi who probably slept with Hitler.

Rose: Well, there's no proof that she didn't.

Danny: [prepares for the big one] I guess you never hurt dad, either.

Rose: [shuts the fridge door, stern] I *never* hurt your father, ever.

Danny: Florsheim Shoes?

Rose: [surprised] How do you know about that?

Danny: You came home late. You were arguing and I woke up. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on, so I listened in at the door.

Rose: A little spy.

Danny: Come on, I was only 12.

Rose: Spy!

Danny: Florsheim Shoes was his big account. He worked on that for over two-and-a-half years.

Rose: Danny.

Danny: You blew it for him in one night.

Rose: Danny, don't.

Danny: And all he had to do was sign a deal at dinner. One fancy schmancy dinner with the VP from Florsheim.

Rose: [attempts to leave the kitchen] I'm going to bed.

Danny: [blocks her way out] No, you're not. Everything was fine that evening. Dinner was perfect. Dad had him at the palm of his hand. Until you decided it was time to tell it like it is.

Rose: I was right. I still stand by what I said.

Danny: You called dad's bosses filthy Jew shylocks!

Rose: They never gave him a raise. Not in 12 years. Not one Christmas bonus.

Danny: Ma, the vice president of Florsheim and his wife were Jewish!

Rose: Well, how was I supposed to know? They didn't look Jewish. I wasn't talking about them. They took it personal.

Danny: You lost the account for him! $450,000 to the company! He's lucky he didn't lose his job!

Rose: Your father *never* stood up to his bosses. It was time somebody set the record straight.

Danny: That night was the only time I ever heard my father cry. And still to this day, you still tell it like it is.

Rose: I don't mean to hurt people. Really.

[Danny scoffs at her and heads to the front door]

Rose: Where are you going?

Danny: To Halstead. A friend of mine owns a jewelry shop. He owes me a favor. I'm gonna make him open up his store. Then I'm gonna buy the biggest engagement ring I can afford. Then I'm gonna ask Theresa Luna to be my wife. Just telling it like it is, ma.

[he exits]

[repeated line]

Danny: Sometimes it's good to be a cop.

Rose: Oh, that's a lovely dress you wearing.

Danny: Isn't it?

Theresa: Oh, thank you!

Rose: Even though it is a little big on top.

Danny: Ma!

Rose: Well, it is, you said so yourself.

Danny: Ma!

Theresa: No, no that's a problem I have, I'm not really that endowed on top.

Danny: No, no, no, no, no.

Rose: You're built like a thirteen year old boy.

Rose: I had a Pollock friend once. She was incredibly stupid...

Danny: Don't do this, Ma.

Rose: ...Julie Kapowski. She was the stupidest woman that I ever knew. She believed that black cows...

[laughs]

Rose: ...black cows squirted chocolate milk!

Danny: [takes both his mother and Theresa out to dinner for them to meet for the first time] Ma, this is Theresa. Theresa, this is my mother.

Theresa: [smiles, shaking her hand] Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Muldoon.

Rose: Rose. I'm Rose.

Theresa: Rose.

Rose: Mm-hmm. Oh, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

Theresa: Oh, thank you.

Rose: Even though it is a little big on top.

Danny: Ma.

Rose: Well, it is. You said so yourself.

Theresa: No, that's a-a problem I have. I'm really not that endowed on top.

Rose: You're built like a thirteen-year-old boy.

Danny: Ma, would you please don't start?

Rose: It's a joke. I'm trying to make jokes here. I'm trying to lighten things up a little.

[the waiter arrives to take their drink orders and Theresa requests a vodka double on the rocks]

Rose: A vodka drinker.

Danny: Well, ma, Theresa's probably a little nervous, you know, being here with us and all. You know, you can understand that.

Rose: It's the first signs of alcoholism.

Danny: What?

Rose: I read it in Reader's Digest.

Theresa: Rose, I can assure you I'm not an alcoholic.

Rose: Oh, denial - that's another symptom. The article said that one shot of vodka was equal to all of the calories in a ham sandwich.

Theresa: [laughs] Good. Maybe then I'll gain some weight and grow breasts for you.

[Rose looks at her distastefully and says nothing]

Danny: [talking about Ginny] I think you should apologize to her.

Claudia Zimmer: For what? I got excited, I spoke my mind, I said I was sorry and it's over and done with.

Danny: Well, I don't understand how you can hurt someone as guileless and vulnerable as Ginny.

Claudia Zimmer: She sure took on a lot of mystical qualities once you saw her swimming naked.

Danny: How can you say that?

Claudia Zimmer: I just say what I think.

Danny: Well, maybe that's the problem! Why do you always say what you think? I mean, do you think your thoughts should just fall down from your brain onto your tongue like a gumball machine?

Claudia Zimmer: Danny, I'm not going to start watching what I think or what I feel! I'm Italian!

Danny: [angry] I know you're Italian! I don't want to hear anymore how you're Italian!

[opens window and sticks his head out]

Danny: Hey, out there! This woman is Italian!

[faces back to Claudia]

Danny: You no longer have to announce your ethnic origin in this state. Everyone in Connecticut knows you're Italian! And when we cross the border, I'll take out an ad in the New York Times.

Danny: [the friends are making lunch in cramped quarters on the boat] I haven't used salt or mucus products for three years and I feel just great.

Ginny: Who eats mucus?

Claudia Zimmer: [disgusted] He means cheese and milk. Danny, say what you mean, would you please? You're talking to humans here!

Danny: [when the boat is stuck on a sandbar] We are three-hundred-sixty dollars overbudget. Each. I don't see how we can make a trip to St. Croix unless we have a meeting first.

Jack: I don't see how we can make a trip to St. Croix unless it floats by.

Danny: Yeah.

Jack: Why do you think we love this boat so much?

Kate Burroughs: I don't know.

Jack: You know why?

Kate Burroughs: I knew it. He only asked us so that he could tell us his theory. Go ahead, sweetheart. Tell us why we love this boat so much.

Jack: Because it represents our primeval desire to control water. See? Now, think about it. All our beginnings are wet. Sloshing around in the womb. Baptism. The first life that came out of the warm soup of the ocean. You know?

Danny: [no interest] Mhmmm...

Kate Burroughs: Jack loves ideas. And he can do so much with them. I have seen him take one idea at a dinner party and bring the entire conversation to a complete halt.

Claudia Zimmer: [Nick comes out with clam dish] I love these! I have this insatiable desire to have dominance over the clams.

Jack: It so happens that Venus rose from the sea on a clam shell. Sexuality was born in wetness.

Claudia Zimmer: [laughing] It's easier that way!

Jack: Jeez.

Danny: I love that woman.

Danny: I can sculpt a bicuspid that would fool God himself.

Danny: [talking about Nick] He's been having affairs all along. Dozens.

Jack: [disbelief] You're kidding.

Danny: How could you not know? They even slept at your place once.

Jack: Where was I?

Danny: You gave him the key to water your plants and feed the cats while you were away. Didn't you notice the funny expression on the cats' faces?

Jack: He told you all of this?

Danny: Most of it... some of it came out when he was under gas.

Danny: [talking about Nick and Ginny] They're making this trip very difficult.

Jack: They're not even ON this trip! They walk around mooning all the time, making goo-goo eyes... my God, if one of them farts, the other thinks it's Guy Lombardo!

Ginny: [about Anne] You know, I don't want to talk her down, but she is unreliable. I mean Nick has made three appointments to meet her down at his lawyer's office and she's never shown up. She hasn't even called.

Claudia Zimmer: Now wait a minute. No offense, Ginny, but twenty-one years ago Nick said he would be there on the other side of the bed every morning and for the last six months he hasn't kept his appointment either!

Jack: [flustered] Okay, look. Alright, alright. Let's calm down. It's not all that bad. It's just a little embarassing.

Nick: I don't see what the big problem is. We're all adults. We'll just say hello and uh...

Danny: Have a nervous breakdown.

Claudia Zimmer: [approaching Ginny] Ginny, I'm sorry. There is a lot of strain in the situation and I get passionate sometimes.

Ginny: [crying and sniffling] That's okay. I know you're just trying to be fair to everybody.

[Ginny walks away]

Claudia Zimmer: [to Nick] You're the one I wanted to make cry.

[Nick goes after Ginny]

Danny: [to Claudia] Well, you had to open up your mouth again.

Claudia Zimmer: Danny, it's over and done with, please.

Danny: Let's have a nice quiet time... a nice vacation.

Danny: [furiously at Jack] Now, dammit! I just told you my deepest fear! Why can't you listen to what I'm saying instead of how I'm saying it? I mean, do you have any idea -any idea- what it is to be afraid of death? I can't eat my bowl of cereal in the morning because I have an irrational fear of milk. I stand there in hallways afraid to press strange elevator buttons. I almost threw out my jockey shorts because I have this fear of elastic!

[Kate begins laughing hysterically]

Ginny: Don't laugh at him.

Danny: No. Go on. Go on, laugh. Laugh. Good. I'm a fool, right? Right?

Kate Burroughs: Oh, Danny. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now, come on... are you really afraid of your underwear?

[she starts laughing again]

Danny: I'm dying, she's laughing.

Danny: Let me tell you something, Jack: I'm ten years older than you, right?

Jack: Yeah.

Danny: Alright, I just hope that when you get to be my age, you don't smell the foul breath of death and disintegration hanging over your shoulder the way I find it hanging over mine. I mean, I go to sleep at night on an ache so bad that it simply will not go away. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, hearing my own bones decay. I have shifted into a state of entropy that's progressing geometrically.

Jack: Entropy. Geometrically. Danny, you talk like a bad textbook.

Danny: You think that because I'm quirky I don't hurt? You've got it backwards. I'm quirky because I hurt.

Danny: Why does everyone think I'm paranoid? Do you discuss this behind my back?

Danny: You think whenever your brain has a thought, it has to just drop down onto your tongue like a gumball.

Danny: In order to cook Chinese food properly, the temperature has to be at 480 degrees. It's a scientific fact.

Jack: Who said that, Einstein?

Danny: No, Isaac Newton, inventor of mu shu pork.

[Jack doubles over laughing]

Danny: [whining about his various health issues] I have shifted into a state of entropy that is progressing geometrically.

Jack: Entropy. Geometrically. Danny, you talk like a bad textbook.

Danny: You think that because I'm quirky I don't hurt? You've got it backwards. I'm quirky because I hurt.

Danny: [all are preparing to dive into baguette sandwiches, in Danny's new Mercedes] Don't eat!

Jack: Why?

Danny: The crumbs go down into the upholstery. One loaf of french bread and the resale value goes down five-hundred dollars.

Jack: Can't I just eat the insides

[of my sandwich]

Jack: for a hundred?

Danny: [to Claudia, discussing the two other couples] These people are vicious. Vicious and ill.

Claudia Zimmer: Is he still thoughtful?

Kate Burroughs: [hugging Jack] Yes, Jack is thoughtful.

Claudia Zimmer: Does he observe good bathroom etiquette?

Kate Burroughs: Huh?

Claudia Zimmer: Does he leave the seat up or does he put it down?

Danny: Wait a minute! I always put the seat down!

Claudia Zimmer: Yeah, after I yelled at you to do it!

Danny: Why do you always have to do that? Why couldn't you have just kept quiet?

Claudia Zimmer: Danny, I say what I feel. I'm Italian!

Danny: [outraged] I know you're Italian! I know you're Italian!

[opens the window and shouts]

Danny: This woman is Italian!

[faces away from window]

Danny: You no longer have to announce your ethnic origin in this state. Everyone in Connecticut knows that you're Italian!

Danny: We owe the length, breadth, and depth of this relationship to the two most basic human emotions... fear and panic.

Kate Burroughs: Danny, calm down!

Danny: Please don't tell me to calm down, this is the second time today someone has told me to calm down!

Kate Burroughs: Well, I'm sorry. It's only my first.

Yukino Girl: Hi.

Danny: Hi. Love the outfit. Yukino?

Yukino Girl: Your the first person to get it. Would sorta like your outfit as well but it's...

[the camera moves down to Danny standing in his read underwear]

Danny: I didn't even know this was a fancy dress party.

Yukino Girl: You mean you wore those to work?

Danny: Yes. Yeah, I did. And I'm gonna have to wear them again tomorrow too.

Yukino Girl: Well, it's what's inside that counts.

Danny: Tell me, do you watch a lot of movies?

Yukino Girl: Would you hate me if I said no?

Danny: No. Not at all. In fact, that's the best "no" I've ever had.

Yukino Girl: Cool.

Danny: Annie, you look fantastic.

Annie: I saw you, on the big screen. With Suki.

Danny: I, um, I'm not really good with words.

Annie: Try these. Filthy, sneaky, vile, foul, loathsome, mischievous, bloody, bastard, asshole, two-faced fucker!

[Annie looks up and sees Katerina nodding to her so she continues]

Annie: *Really* two-faced fucker!

[Katerina motions the 'slap him' motion. Annie slaps Danny]

Danny: Why do you keep doin' this stuff behind my back, 'n not includin' me?

Steve: Well... because you're repressed.

Danny: I love you more than anything else I have ever felt or known. It doesn't matter what I do because if it's with you, then I know I'm successful. I love you and I just wanna be with you.

Danny: Last time I drank I forgot to stop for about ten years.

Danny: [after dropping a case of beer] I should've gotten light beer.

Rory: That's Craig? What is *he* doing here?

Danny: I brought him.

[On what love is like]

Danny: You know how when you're listening to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? When a door closes or a train passes so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway... then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again you're still in exact same time with it. That's what it's like.

Anna Swan: Hi, nice to meet you.

Danny: Last time we met, you were covered in afterbirth.

Eric: Well, now, there's a line I bet you never heard before.

Danny: Know this, I would marry you yesterday.

Karen Swan: I'm 29. Do you know how old I'm going to be next year?

Danny: 30?

Karen Swan: Don't mock me.

Danny: [chasing after Anna in a taxi, wearing his pig costume] I would marry you tomorrow! I would have children with you, dozens and dozens of children!

Taxi Driver: Let's hope they look like the mother.

Danny: Have you met Jesus?

Nina: He saved my life.

Danny: I thought you loved me.

Sarah: Really, what made you think that?

Danny: Probably when you said you loved me.

Danny: I knew this bloke once, right. And... he used to masturbate so much that he grew very fond of his hand. So much so, that he began to talk to it and he put a little face on it and he called it muriel. And after a while Muriel began to talk back to him.

Milo: Fore!

Danny: He would get her all doled up in make up and specially made little clothes and at night she'd go down and make intense mad passionate love to him. Anyway, one night about three am

Milo: Cheers

Danny: He wakes up in a cold sweat. And hears all this panting and moaning and groaning coming from the next door neighbours apartment. And he looks down at his hand, there's nothing there. Its gone. Its just this bloodied stump. So he staggers out into the hallway and he sees that the next door neighbour's doors is wide open. So he pops his head in and what does he see, on the bed, his hand, Muriel, all dressed up to the nines, make up on, going down on the next door neighbour.

[pause]

Danny: It's a true story

Flip: Yeah, I heard tell once dudes that a guy has about 4,000 times in him before he's all used up.

Milo: It's fucking bullshit.

Danny: More like forty thousand.

Otis: In your dreams, stick man.

Danny: Add it up, two times a day, seven days a week for what... I don't know 40 years?

Taylor: Two times a day?

Otis: Who the fuck gets to do it two times a fucking day?

Danny: Me and Jess used to.

Otis: Two times a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year...

Danny: Me and Jess used to do it five times a day.

Taylor: For forty years? What about hangovers? What about christmas day? How the fuck are you going to do it five times on a Christmas Day while the family is sitting around carving up the turkey?

Danny: Make up for it at night with the wife.

Taylor: Wife? What wife? You haven't had a wife in over six months.

Danny: I haven't got a problem getting women. I've got this thing I do that make them go gaga.

Otis: How exactly do you mean gaga?

Danny: Gaga. Insane, beserk, talking in tongues, you know... gaga.

Milo: What like some sort of secret weapon?

Flip: Some kind of weird sideways movement?

Danny: I can't really say flip, but its pretty special. Though it could be worth a lot of money.

Taylor: Let's just get this straight. You're 20-something years old, you have no job, no money, very few prospescts. You haven't been seen in the vicinity of anything which even faintly resembles a member of the opposite sex in over 6 months. And yet you sit here and tell us that you have some kind of special thing that makes the other side go gaga. Well if it makes them go so fucking gaga what the fuck are you doing here with us losers?

Flip: He's got a point there Danster.

Danny: Well I didn't say it fixed all the emotional stuff did I?

Welfare Officer: A writer. You're a writer?

Danny: I'm a writer.

Welfare Officer: I worked at Burger King for three years before getting this job. I've got an arts degree. If we get you a job that says you lick toilet bowls, then that's what you do, you lick toilet bowls. Ha. A writer. Jesus.

Sam: There's all these words for a woman who doesn't want to have sex: frigid, uptight, cold, icy. But can you like even think of one word for a man that doesn't want to have sex?

Danny: Dead?

Danny: Do you ever wonder if its all a big con Flip?

Flip: Eh?

Danny: This. Everything. What if none of it really exists? What if its like some big experiment and we're like ants trapped in a giant petri dish? What if there is a greater intelligence out there and its creating everything purely as a way of stop us going insane on them? What if nothing really exists until we sense it? My room doesn't exist til i walk into it. Front yard doesnt exist till i experience. You don't exist.

Flip: I don't exist?

Danny: Well, you could be just a projection of my inner psyche materialised for my brain in order to keep me company.

Flip: What about the cashmere sweater babes over the road, with their swishy little skirts and all? Would they be from your inner psyche or mine?

Danny: Probably yours I reckon Flip.

Danny: Want to get married?

Sam: Can't, got to go out later.

Sam: Don't you find me attractive?

Danny: Of course I find you attractive.

Sam: Well then?

Danny: Well we're mates. You can't sleep with your mates, it's one of the unwritten rules of the moral code of mateship.

Sam: I didn't know there were any unwritten rules of the moral code of mateship.

Danny: Oh yeah, they're the biggies. No sleeping with a mate, no sleeping with a mate's girlfriend, no urinating on a mate's car. It's column of salt sort of stuff, Sodom and Ghomorra and all that.

Danny: Why is 3 o'clock in the morning always the hour of choice to put on Nick Cave, get depressed and kill yourself? What's wrong with the middle of the day when everyone's awake and ready to call an ambulance?

[first lines]

Danny: Flip, turn the fucking TV off! People are trying to sleep.

[Flip does not respond]

Danny: Flip, have some fucking consideration.

[Danny turns the TV off]

Danny: For Christ's sake, Flip... Flipster? Oh, shit. Shit! Fuck!

Dirk: I'd just like to say that I've got a problem with you all accepting my homosexuality without question. No wonder my suppressed heterosexual side is in a spin all the time. You all thought I was gay even when I was fucking straight!

Danny: Dirk, we think it's great, man.

Dirk: What's so fucking great about being a poofter, Danny?

Danny: Nothing, Dirk. Just... finish the bathroom.

Dirk: That's just fucking typical, Daniel. I'd like to declare, I've got a problem with that, too. You want me to put on a fucking pink apron, Danny? You want me to put on the fucking pink washing-up gloves, and lick the boots of the hetero-fascist sterility conspiracy thing? Well, no fucking way, pal! I'm not some mincey fucking queen that'll lick the boots of you hetero fucks! Oh, give the fag some hetero foot massage routine when he comes in -- bullshit! Gay men are dying, Danny. And you want me to clean the bath.

Danny: Dirk, just forget it, mate.

Dirk: You don't mean that, do you, Danny? What you really mean is, "All you filthy little ass-bandits should be nailed to a tree!" Isn't that so, Danny?

Danny: Dirk, this newly installed, sophisticated gay radar of yours is picking up shit from the cosmos that just ain't fucking there. I've got my own shit to worry about. I've lived in 49 shared households in what seems like as many years. I've been ripped off, raided, threatened, burned out, shot at, cheated on, scabbed in every one of those years. My beds are foam slabs on the floor, my cupboards are stacks of stolen milk crates! I've lived with tent-dwelling bank clerks, albino moon tanners, nitrous suckers, psycho fucking drama queens, ACID EATERS, MUSHROOM FARMERS, FUCKING BROTHEL CRAWLERS, FRIDGE-PISSERS, HARDCORE SEPARATIST LESBIANS, AND AN OBSCURELY-TITLED JAPANESE GIRL! AND NOW THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD IN THE FUCKING WORLD WON'T EVEN FUCKING TALK TO ME! I'M IN A PSYCHO FUCKING NIGHTMARE FROM HELL, AND I'M FUCKING FED UP WITH IT! So I suggest, pal, that you tune in, and chill fucking out.

Sam: What's happening to me? I can't even kill myself properly. I can't do anything properly.

Danny: I'm sure if you concentrated you would be able to kill yourself better than anyone else I know.

Sam: Really?

Danny: [nodding slowly] You do everything better than anyone else I know.

Danny: Tyler, These friends of yours. They wouldn't be by any chance Nazi's would they?

Taylor: ...I prefer to call them politically challenged.

Zoey: Danny, maybe we need to reevaluate things.

Danny: Reevaluate? You mean, as in, don't eat my ravioli, or reevaluate as Stalin might have used the word?

[Tim is explaining his "telescope" to Danny]

Tim: It's, you know, so she won't look out the window and see me and get scared.

Danny: Great, so, instead she'll be scared she's going to be hit by a torpedo!

Molly: So, I guess we're the big losers.

Danny: No...

Molly: What else is there to say? We're the big losers.

Danny: I think losers says enough, really. I don't think we need to modify with big.

Molly: I guess I've had friendships like that, where people thought we were sleeping together but we weren't.

Danny: Yeah, I've had friendships like that... I've had relationships like that.

Danny: [referring to her relationship with Terry] Does he make you laugh?

Tess: [sincerely] He doesn't make me cry.

Danny: Ten oughta do it, don't you think?

Rusty: [Stares of in silence, not looking at Danny]

Danny: You think we need one more?

Rusty: [remains silent with his head leaning on top of his folded arms while hunched over on the bar]

Danny: You think we need one more.

Rusty: [remains silent with his head leaning on top of his folded arms on the bar]

Danny: All right, we'll get one more.

Rusty: [Blinks]

Danny: Saul, are you sure you're ready to do this?

Saul: [feeling offended by Danny's show of concern] If you ever ask me that question again Daniel, you will not wake up the following morning.

Danny: He's ready.

Reuben: [as Danny and Rusty are leaving Reuben's home after lunch] Look, we all go way back and uh, I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place and I'll never forget it.

Danny: That was our pleasure.

Rusty: I'd never been to Belize.

Danny: There's a ninety-five pound Chinese man with a hundred sixty million dollars behind this door.

Linus: Let's get him out.

Danny: [insistent] yeah

Danny: Thirteen million and you drive this piece of shit cross country to pick me up?

Rusty: [sarcastically] Blew it all on the suit.

Tess: You know what your problem is?

Danny: [sarcastically] I only have one?

[while they are watching a dozen Chinese acrobats at a circus]

Danny: Which one is the amazing Yen?

Rusty: [intentionally being vague] He's the little Chinese guy.

Rusty: I need the reason. Don't say money. Why do this?

Danny: Why not do it?

[Rusty shakes his head]

Danny: Because yesterday I walked out of the joint after losing four years of my life and you're cold-decking "Teen Beat" cover boys.

[pause]

Danny: Because the house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes, the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big, and then you take the house.

[another pause]

Rusty: Been practicing that speech, haven't you?

Danny: Little bit. Did I rush it? Felt like I rushed it.

Rusty: No, it was good, I liked it. "Teen Beat" thing was harsh.

Danny: Now, they tell me I paid my debt to society.

Tess: [sarcastically] Funny, I never got a check.

Rusty: [on Danny walking out of prison in a loosened black-tie suit] I hope you were the Groom.

Danny: [on Rusty's attire for picking him up from prison] Ted Nugent called, he wants his shirt back.

Saul: I have a question, say we get into the cage, and through the security doors there and down the elevator we can't move, and past the guards with the guns, and into the vault we can't open...

Rusty: Without being seen by the cameras.

Danny: Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention that.

Saul: Yeah well, say we do all that... uh... we're just supposed to walk out of there with $150,000,000 in cash on us, without getting stopped?

[pause as everyone turns to look at Danny]

Danny: [unconfidently and unenthusiastically] Yeah.

Saul: [nervously] Oh. Okay.

Danny: You gotta walk before you crawl.

Rusty: Reverse that.

Danny: [sarcastically to the celebrity amateur poker players implying his going to win the hand] I'm not sure what four nines does, but the ace, I think, is pretty high.

Rusty: [in Rusty's car with Rusty driving] God, I'm bored!

Danny: You look bored.

Rusty: I am bored!

[long pause]

Rusty: How was the clink? You get the cookies I sent?

Danny: [sarcastically] Why do you think I came to see you first?

Reuben: [as Danny and Rusty are leaving Reuben's house after lunch] Give Dominic your addresses, I got some remaindered furniture I want to send you. Look, just out of curiosity, which three casinos did you geniuses decide to rob?

Rusty: The Bellagio...

Danny: The Bellagio, the Mirage, and the MGM Grand.

Reuben: [drops his fork] Those are Terry Benedict's casinos.

Danny: Is that right?

Rusty: That's right.

Reuben: You guys, what do you got against Terry Benedict?

Rusty: What do you have against him, that's the question?

Reuben: He torpedoed my casino, muscled me out. Now he's gonna blow it up next week to make way for some gaudy monstrosity. Don't think I don't know what you're doing.

Rusty: What are we doing, Reuben?

Reuben: If you're gonna steal from Terry Benedict, you'd better goddamn *know*. This sort of thing used to be civilized. You'd hit a guy, he'd whack you, done. But with Benedict... at the end of this, he'd *better* not know you're involved, not know your names or think you're dead, because he'll kill ya, and *then* he'll go to work on ya.

Danny: That's why we're going to have to be very careful. Very precise.

Rusty: Mmm, well-funded.

Reuben: Yeah. Ya gotta be *nuts*, too. And you're gonna need a crew as *nuts* as you are!

[pause]

Reuben: So who've you got in mind?

Linus: [Yen's cast is caught in vault door, Unaware that Yen is trapped, Danny and Linus try to blow the door but the bomb doesnt go off] Did you check the batteries?

[pause]

Linus: You know, you lose focus in this game for one second...

Danny: I know, somebody gets hurt. You don't hear Yen complaining.

[they replace the batteries and the door explodes]

Rusty: [upset after having realizing Danny lied to him] Tell me this is not about her, or I am walking. I am walking off this job right now.

Danny: Who?

Rusty: Tess. Terry Benedict. Tell me this is not about screwing the guy who's screwing your wife.

Danny: Ex-wife.

Rusty: Tell me.

Danny: It's not about that.

[pause]

Danny: It's not entirely about that.

[Rusty turns away, furious]

Danny: Russ, do you remember what we said back when we first got into this business. We said we were gonna play the game...

Rusty, Danny: Like we had nothing to lose.

Danny: Well, I lost something... I lost someone. That's why I'm here.

[long pause]

Rusty: Okay, here's the problem ? we're stealing two things. And when push comes to shove, and you can't have both, which are you gonna choose? And remember - Tess does not split eleven ways!

Rusty: [in an empty office after business hours] You'd need at least a dozen guys doing a combination of cons.

Danny: Like what, do you think?

Rusty: Off the top of my head, I'd say you're looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever.

Danny: [during lunch with Reuben with Rusty present] It's never been tried.

Reuben: Ho, ho... "It's never been tried." It's been tried. A few guys even came close. You know the three most successful robberies in the history of Vegas?

[flashback - the gaming room at the Horseshow, in black-and-white]

Reuben: [voiceover] Number three, the Bronze Medal - pencil-neck grabs a lockbox at the Horseshoe...

[a man grabs a lockbox out of a guard's hand and runs for the door, and six guards instantly tackle him to the floor]

Reuben: He got two steps closer to the door than any living soul before him.

[cut to the present]

Reuben: Second most successful robbery...

[flashback - the gaming room at the Flamingo, in grainy color. A long-haired man is running for the door, clutching a bag]

Reuben: The Flamingo in '71. This guy actually tasted fresh oxygen before they grabbed him.

[the man gets within a few feet of the door, before a guard smashes him across the face with a nightstick]

Reuben: Of course, he was breathing out of a hose for the next three weeks. Goddamn hippy.

[back to the present]

Reuben: And the *closest* any man has ever come to robbing a Las Vegas casino...

[flashback - outside Caesar's Palace, in color. A man runs out, hunched over an armful of cash, followed by three security guards]

Reuben: Was outside of Caesar's in '87. He came, he grabbed...

[the three guards shoot the thief in the back]

Reuben: [security guards shot the robbers as they tried to run away with the stolen money] They conquered.

Tess: [talking privately over dinner while Tess is waiting for Terry] You're a thief and a liar.

Danny: I only lied about being a thief, I don't do that anymore.

Tess: Steal?

Danny: Lie.

Tess: [referring to Terry] I'm with someone who doesn't have to make that kind of distinction.

Danny: [sarcastically, referring to Terry] No, he's very clear on both.

[last lines]

[Danny has just got out of jail]

Danny: Hi!

Tess: [in Rusty's car] Hi. We need to get Rusty a girl.

Rusty: [jokingly] There's a women's prison down the road.

Danny: [noticing Tess is wearing her wedding ring] You said that you sold this.

Tess: I said that.

Danny: Liar.

Tess: Thief.

[they kiss]

Danny: [holds up a black wallet in an empty bar] Hello Linus. Whose is this?

Linus: Who are you?

Danny: A friend of Bobby Caldwell's.

[produces a plane ticket]

Danny: You're either in or you're out. Right now.

Linus: What is it?

Danny: It's a plane ticket. A job offer.

Linus: You're pretty trusting pretty fast.

Danny: Well Bobby has a lot of faith in you.

Linus: Fathers are like that.

Terry: [was talking privately over dinner with Tess until Terry finally shows up] I know everything that's happening in my hotels.

Danny: [sarcastically] So I should put the towels back?

Terry: [while rubbing Tess's hands] No, the towels you can keep.

Tess: [was talking privately over dinner with Danny until Terry finally shows up] Danny was walking through the restaurant when he spotted me.

Terry: Is that right?

Danny: Yeah, imagine the odds.

Terry: [sarcastically, partially quoting one of Rick's line's from Casablanca] Of all the gin joints in all the world.

[discussing possible candidates for their crew]

Danny: Phil Turenteen...

Rusty: Dead.

Danny: No shit. On the job?

Rusty: Skin cancer.

Danny: D'you send flowers?

Rusty: Dated his wife for a while.

Danny: [over the radio] Livingston, we're set.

Rusty: [over the radio] Livingston, we're set.

Livingston: [over the radio] Basher, we're set.

Basher: [over the radio] Hang on a minute chief.

Livingston: [over the radio] We don't have a minute, Yen's gonna suffocate.

Basher: [preparing to detonate the pinch] Well, then you'd better leave off bothering me, don't you think?

Danny: [talking privately over dinner while Tess is waiting for Terry] Tess, you're doing a great job curating the museum, the Vermeer is quite good, simple, vibrant, but his work definitely fell off as he got older.

Tess: [implying Danny has similarities with Vermeer] Remind you of anyone?

Danny: And I always confuse Monet and Manet. Now which one married his mistress?

Tess: Monet.

Danny: Right, and then Manet had syphilis.

Tess: [sarcastically] They also painted occasionally.

Parole Board Member #1: Mr Ocean, the purpose of this hearing is to determine, whether, if released, you are likely to break the law again. While this was your first conviction, you have been implicated, though never charged, in over a dozen other confidence tricks and frauds. What can you tell us about those?

Danny: [sitting alone directly in front of the parole board] As you say, ma'am, I was never charged.

Parole Board Member #2: Mr Ocean, what we're trying to find out is was there a reason you chose to commit this crime, or was there a reason you simply got caught this time.

Danny: [sitting alone directly in front of the parole board] My wife left me. I was upset. I fell into a self-destructive pattern.

Parole Board Member #3: If released, is it likely you'd fall back into a similar pattern?

Danny: [politely but sarcastically] She already left me once. I don't think she'd do it again just for kicks.

Topher Grace: [during the celebrity card game] Mr Ocean, what do you do for a living? If you don't mind me asking.

Danny: Why would I mind you asking? Two cards. I just got out of prison.

Topher Grace: Really?

Joshua Jackson: Well why were you in prison?

Danny: I stole things.

Shane West: You stole things? Like jewels?

Rusty: Incan matrimonial headmasks.

Shane West: Any money in those? Incan matrimonial

Danny: Headmasks. There's some.

Rusty: Don't let him fool you, there's boatloads. If you can move them. I'll take one. But you can't.

Danny: My fence seemed confident enough.

Rusty: Dealing in cash you don't need a fence.

Danny: [referring to Rusty] Some people lack vision.

Rusty: [sarcastically] Probably everybody in cell block E

[Basher's original plan for knocking out the casino's power has flopped]

Basher: Hang on a minute, hang on... we could use a pinch.

Danny: What's a "pinch"?

Basher: A pinch is a device which creates, like, a cardiac arrest for any broadband electrical circuitry. Better yet, a pinch is a bomb - now, but without the bomb. See, when a nuclear weapon detonates, it unleashes an electromagnetic pulse which shuts down any power source within its blast radius. Now that tends not to matter in most cases, because the nuclear weapon usually destroys anything you might need power for anyway. But see, a pinch creates a similar electromagnetic pulse, but without the fuss of mass destruction and death. So instead of Hiroshima, you'd be getting the seventeenth century.

Danny: [watching the monitors] Why do they always paint hallways that color?

Rusty: They say taupe is very soothing.

Danny: We'll need Saul.

Rusty: He won't do it. He got out of the game a year ago.

Danny: Get religion?

Rusty: Ulcers.

Danny: ...You could ask him.

Rusty: Hey, I could ask him.

Linus: [the rest of the crew get out of the van to enter the building to steal the pinch] , with Turk and Virgil in the front;

[Danny stops Linus]

Danny: What are you doing?

Linus: I'm coming with you.

Danny: No.

Linus: What? Oh, no, no...

[as they shut the doors on him]

Linus: [shouts] Don't leave me with these guys!

Danny: [talking privately over dinner while Tess is waiting for Terry] You remember the day I went out for cigarettes and didn't come back? You must have noticed.

[goes to sit down]

Tess: I don't smoke. Don't sit!

Danny: Second task, power - on the night of the fight, we're gonna throw the switch on Sin City. Basher, it's your show.

Basher: You want broke, blind, or bedlam?

Danny: How about all three?

Basher: Right, it's done.

Danny: [while Bruiser helps Danny climb into the ventilation system] How's your wife?

Bruiser: Pregnant again.

Danny: Well, that happens.

Danny: All right.

[Bruiser punches Danny]

Danny: Ahh! Jesus, Bruiser, not until later!

Bruiser: [feeling guilty, in a soft voice] Sorry Danny, I forgot.

Danny: [pats Bruiser on the side of his head] It's all right.

Danny: I'm not joking, Tess.

Tess: I'm not laughing, Danny.

Tess: [talking privately over dinner while she's waiting for Terry] Do you remember what I said when we met?

Danny: You said I'd better know what I'm doing.

Tess: And do you? Because you should walk out that door if you don't.

Danny: I know what I'm doing.

Terry: [finally shows up] What are you doing?

Rusty: [Danny comes out of jail] "I hope you were the groom..."

Danny: [looking at Rusty's shirt] "Ted Nugent called, he wants his shirt back..."

Rusty: [finalizing their plans to rob three casinos] The Bellagio and the Mirage. These are Terry Benedict's places.

Danny: Yes they are. You think he'll mind?

Rusty: [sarcastically] More than somewhat.

[first lines]

[At Parole Hearing]

Woman's Voice: Good Morning.

Danny: [sitting alone directly in front of the parole board] Morning.

Woman's Voice: Please state your name for the record.

Danny: [sitting alone directly in front of the parole board] Daniel Ocean.

Parole Board Member #1: Good morning.

Danny: Morning.

Parole Board Member #1: Please state your name for the record.

Danny: Daniel Ocean.

Parole Board Member #1: Thank you. Mr. Ocean, the purpose of this hearing is to determine whether, if released, you are likely to break the law again.

Danny: [Narrating] The Nevada Gaming Commission stipulates that a casino must hold and reserve enough cash to cover every chip that's played on its floor. That means on a week day, by law, it has to carry anywhere between sixty to seventy million dollars in cash and coin, on the weekend it has to carry anywhere between eighty and ninety million, on a fight night, like the one in two weeks from tonight, the night we're going to rob it, one hundred and fifty million. Without breaking a sweat, there's eleven of us, each with an equal share, you do the math.

Danny: [Narrating] First task: Reconnaissance I want to know everything that's going on in all three casinos, the rotation of the dealers, the path of every cash cart, I want to know about everything about every guard and every watcher, anyone with a security pass, I want to know where they're from, what their nicknames are, how they take their coffee, most of all, I want you guys to know these casinos, their built to keep people in, I want you guys to know the quick routes out, third task surveillance: Casino security has an eye and ear on everyone, so we want an eye and ear on them.

Danny: [after the robbery] Hey Benedict, how's the other fight going?

Terry: [Referring to the robbery] Did you have a hand in this?

Danny: [Lying] Did my hand in what?

Terry: I'm going to ask you one more time: Did you have a hand in this?

Danny: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Danny: [Talking to Terry after having been beaten up by Bruiser while Tess is watching on television] what if I told you I could get you your money back, would you give up Tess? What would you say?

Terry: I would say yes.

[last lines before epilogue]

[the crew has just pulled off the heist. Danny is in handcuffs being escorted to a police car. Tess runs outside of the casino to find him]

Tess: Wait! Wait! Wait. Wait, that's my husband. That's my husband.

[to Danny knowingly]

Tess: Danny...

Danny: [Smiling] Tess, I told you... I knew what I was doing.

Tess: [Tearing up] I didn't.

[pause]

Tess: How long will you be?

Danny: ...Three to six months, I guess.

[Danny is placed into the police car. Through the window he smiles at Tess reassuringly. Through teary eyes, Tess smiles back]

[Danny has just found Brian, or really Jack]

Jackie Teller: Make a move, make a sound and you're dead. Understand me?

Danny: [nods in shock]

Jackie Teller: Turn around.

Danny: [does and is shocked] Brian?

Jackie Teller: Shh! Be quiet.

[after a moment]

Jackie Teller: Danny... Danny... I wish you hadn't come down here.

[leads him towards closet]

Jackie Teller: Get over there. Turn around. Come on, let's go. Turn around. Walk over there. Open the door. Open it.

[Danny does]

Jackie Teller: Get inside.

[Danny does]

Jackie Teller: Look at me. You're a good guy. I don't want to hurt you. But if you try to open that fucking door, I will do it. Understand?

Danny: [nods]

Jackie Teller: Stay in there and be quiet. Everything will be fine.

Finn: They say he hasn't slept in like over a year.

Danny: Bullshit!

Finn: Naw, it's true. I've never seen him sleep. Seriously.

Danny: Have you ever seen Queen Elizabeth sleep?

Finn: No, why, is she a tweaker?

Danny: [pause] Yes. That's my point.

Danny: For the people who don't do drugs, or just do them occasionally, it's something that becomes your life, and you belong. You finally hit bottom and you know who you are, because you can't go any lower. When you find... a friendship that you wouldn't have found anywhere else. Still and all, there's a kind of intimacy with those that can go the distance. Sometimes you see the world so clearly... and you know just what to do, and just when to do it. Just what you should've done, and when you should've done it.

Al Garcetti: [slamming Danny against a car] You are nothing, piece of shit, you understand me? Nothing!

Danny: [wonderingly, after a pause] I never noticed your eyes were hazel.

Danny: Oh, shit, what is this? Am I dead? Linoleum? This must be hell. Oh no, what a cliche. I've had some time to think about it and it's pretty simple after all. I think it's like the man said, "Man is the measure of all things." I should know. I ran the gamut. Tom Van Allen got his revenge. Good for Tom. And Danny Parker? He got gut-shot for being a lowlife rat. That sucks for him. As far I'm concerned, they're both dead. So who is this guy? Tell you the truth, I still don't know. But I like his chances. I really like his chances.

Danny: So that's where I found myself. No, I should choose my words more wisely. This is the world I sought out. The land of the perpetual night party. Day swallowing night and night swallowing day. The crank compressing time like some divine piston on its awesome downstroke. We've been at this for three days... or is it four? Tweakers, lokers, slammers, coming and going, swearing eternal allegiance and undying love for one another, only to wake up after the binge and realize you wouldn't walk across the stree to piss on one of them if their head was on fire. Three days. Or is it four? I know what you're thinking, but don't give up on me just yet. Just wait 'til I've told my whole story. And keep your eyes open. Nothing is as it seems.

Danny: So why does Garcetti hate me?

Gus Morgan: Come on, man. You can't take Garcetti seriously. He hates everyone. He doesn't even like dolphins.

Pooh-Bear: Make me an offer.

Danny: I don't know, 14,000 a kilo?

Pooh-Bear: I deal in U.S. pounds, friend. None of that faggot metric shit for me.

Danny: How do you know you're doing the right thing, Finn?

Finn: I dunno, like... people around you are happy, you know, they say thank you and stuff, right...? Just go with the Flow... you know?

Quincy: What're you looking at?

Danny: Oh, I was just admiring your boots. Did you purchase them locally?

[Quincy ignores him]

Danny: Well, nice talking to you.

Quincy: Yeah, fuck you.

Danny: [knocking on the door] Hey... you left some Chinese-lookin' shit out here.

Mo: I used to write poems. I'd write poems, right, instead of talking to people. Write poems, never show 'em to nobody.

Maria: Why not?

Mo: 'Cause I was embarrassed.

Danny: 'Cause he thought he might kill somebody if they laughed at him.

Maria: [laughs]

Connie: He's serious.

Danny: [at the grill] Ladies and gentlemen can we have a little attention, please? Can we have your attention? Uh, we're about to commence the cooking ritual, as they used to say in the International Workers of the World, by any means necessary.

[pumping a fist]

Danny: And so I think we need a sacrifice. So is there a virgin here?

Danny: You still have it.

Maggie: What?

Danny: My soul, for what it's worth.

Danny: I'm not a killer, Maggie, but this place makes me want to kill.

Harry: [Seeing Danny for the first time in fourteen years] You're out!

Danny: [after a pause] Good behavior.

Harry: [Sarcastically] You were never accused of that before.

Danny: [to Maggie] I've lived with your face in silence for fourteen years. It's hard to talk to the real you.

Danny: You're a dangerous fucking woman, Maggie.

Danny: For fourteen years I was locked up, my feelings were locked up inside me.

Danny: We can't keep doing what we're doing, you know.

Maggie: What are we doing?

Danny: I'll leave if you ask me to.

Maggie: If *I* ask you?

Danny: [to Maggie] Give us a hug. You're a dangerous fuckin' woman!

Danny: I'm not a killer, Maggie. This place makes me want to kill.

Danny: Look, I'm not after you, Sam. I just think people in town ought to know the full story on Buddy Deeds.

Sheriff Charlie Wade: That makes two of us.

Danny: [on Tully] A little bit of a cunt.

Danny: [revealing they sacrificed Steve] Aye... he is my queen... and no one will ever find his body... it is all gone. But he's soul... his new self... is in heaven beyond our imagine. Up there... nothing will be too good for our wonderful laddie.

[last lines]

Danny: Lass? Stay Still!

[last lines]

Mary Hellier: No! No!

[Is surronded by Danny, Beame and the other townspeople]

Mary Hellier: God why? Danny? Steve!

[last lines]

Danny: Lass? Stay Still!

[last lines]

Mary Hellier: No No

[Is surronded by Danny, Beame and the other townspeople]

Mary Hellier: god why? Danny? Steve!

Roger: All I'm sayin is that there's a lot to think about here. So just do that. Think about it.

Danny: Look man, I'm not gonna miss out on something that could be great just cause it might also be hard.

Danny: Music's a powerful thing. A song can change your mood. Make a memory. One song can change your whole life.

Ariana: Music's a powerful thing. A song can change your mood. Make a memory. One song can change your whole life.

Danny: It's a great day to be alive.

Danny: Hey, don't let his bookish quality fool you. Charlie Banks is a surly bitch!

Danny: Would it help if I said I was sorry about the dog?

Avery Ludlow: I think you're a tad late with your apology, son.

Danny: You're fucking crazy.

Avery Ludlow: In that case, you better do as I tell you, hadn't you?

Billy: We had a fucking dog years ago, beautiful dog, it was. All Stations, it was. That's what I used to call it. That what I thought they was saying when I was little. All stations, you know. German shepard. Judy, her name was. Yeah, me dad fucking put her down when I was little. I went on holiday with me nan, and, um, when I came back, right, he's fobbed us off with some right swaggy story about how it bit someone over at the park. The lying cunt. Fucking loved that dog! That broke my heart, that did. That dog never bit no one, did it Dan?

Danny: No, a lovely dog.

Billy: That's what I mean. That's what I mean. You fucking... You know, you go away, right? I went hop-picking with me nan, right? We come back, the first thing I wanted to do when I got back was to see the dog, right? All right, because I missed it and all that, and it was fucking dead. I tell you, man, he was just fucking mean, my old man. Spiteful cunt. He didn't care about what other people felt. He couldn't give a toss.

Danny: Oi! Schmuddie, give us a fag.

Schmuddie: I ain't got a fag.

Danny: What's that?

Schmuddie: It's a spliff.

Danny: Well, I don't want a spliff, I want a fag.

Schmuddie: [sarcastically] Do ya?

Danny: Fuck ya!

Danny: You want it? You want it with me?

Danny: [picks the crow out of the basket] It's got a broken wing.

[he breaks its neck, the others look disgusted]

Danny: It was the kindest thing to do.

Danny: [naked in an uncovered exterior shower, watching the Red Cross trucks pass] That's the Red Cross...they only do it for officers.

Matt: If you don't put your uniform on, they'll never tell the difference.

[waking up the "morning after"]

Bev: Where's the cat?

Danny: What cat?

Bev: The cat that shit in my mouth.

Danny: That's a great shirt.

Nick: Thanks, it's yours.

Danny: I knew it looked familiar. You can have my old jockstrap too - if it fits.

Danny: I'm not afraid to die. I do stand-up, remember?

[last lines]

Danny: So long, brother.

Phil: Ahhh, the lovely Julie Ziff.

Julie: Creep.

Phil: That's good, I find brevity attractive.

Julie: See ya, Danny.

Phil: Goodbye, Gorgeous.

Julie: You make my puke... want to puke!

Phil: I'm flushed with passion!

Julie: Ugghh!

[she leaves]

Danny: You're such an idiot!

Phil: Oh, I knew that before you did, my friend. Just invite me to the wedding.

[to Nona]

Phil: He's in love, you know. But he's too dumb to figure it out.

Nona Gina: Ah, wise-uh boy!

Keagan McPhie: There's got to be a way to get their attention, a way they can't ignore us.

[Millie laughs]

Keagan McPhie: What?

Millie McPhie: We could always not take any baths.

Danny: Oh yeah my dad would go for that, sure.

Keagan McPhie: Wait a minute. That's actually not a bad idea. It hurts no one, but it would most certainly make people take notice.

Alex: You mean it would make people hold their noses!

Matt Tyler: Danny! You're a genius!

Danny: I am? I mean, of course I am! What do you mean?

Danny: [in broken english to 'Brad Pitt'] You see, Mr. Pitt? This is now woman from my dreams. You know her, Karen? The red one from K3? No? Ola lele? I'm feeling just like Ola lele? No? You must know this one: ''Who have I on the line''

[singing]

Danny: ''Who have I on the line? Hello, hello!

[in dutch ]

Danny: No? Regrettable.

Danny: [about Brad Pitt] What does he have what I don't have?

Karen: Hair, Danny.

Danny: [checking in a woman named Mrs. Lama] Smoking is forbidden and spitting too.

Danny: Quit being so fucking mysterious!

Sandy: I'll take a beer and a shot of whiskey.

Al: You forgot to shut the door.

Sandy: No, I didn't.

Al: It didn't latch.

Sandy: Come on, Al. I've been on my feet for hours. Give me a beer?

Al: First the door.

Sandy: Seriously? It's shut. It's fine.

Warren: Sounds pretty sure of herself, Al. At the same time, being sure is sort of a fancy way of being lazy.

Sandy: You want to go check the door?

Warren: I mean, you can see from here it's not shut all the way.

Sandy: I'll buy you a beer.

Warren: Well, when you put it like that.

[Danny kicks in the front door with a shotgun]

Danny: Alright everybody, put your hands on the tables!

Warren: Now I know that one shitty bar might look like any other. But here's some free advice. Get back on whatever road it was that brought you here and keep moving. Because I guarantee you that robbing this place is way more trouble than it's worth.

Danny: This is not a robbery!

Toni: Just stop, Danny, this isn't you!

Danny: No. It's family.

Jackson: See, how do you preserve family strength? How do you keep it pure?

Danny: How?

Sally: We stick to our own.

Danny: [crying] You'll get well, Ben, and I'll get well. We'll get well, Ben

[places Ben on a handkerchief]

Danny: We'll get well, Ben. No one's gonna hurt one of my friends. No, sir.

[gets out first aid kit, grabs a cotton swab and gently rubs it against Ben's wound]

Danny: You're the only friend I have. I love you, Ben.

Danny: [singing] Start the day, oh come along now, Ben. Come on out before I count to ten. If you stay, you will miss all the fun and there's room for everyone.

Danny: [singing] Start the day, you've been asleep too long. Start the day and sing a happy song. Smile, smile at everyone you meet and dance your way down each street. Oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oom pa pa./Oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oompa oom oom oom oom pa. Start the day, it's time to rise and shine. Off we go, the world is looking fine. Get dressed up, put on your Sunday best. Tomorrow you all can rest.

Danny: Nice fucking driving.

John: Did your mother teach you to talk like that?

Danny: Only when your name came up.

Micah: Danny... you disappoint me. Now, you must be treated just like the others.

Danny: Micah, stop this now!

Micah: (slaps Danny in the face) Silence!

Danny: The only reason I'm here is Mom didn't want me at her wedding.

John: Wrong! The way I heard it is, you and what's his name don't talk anymore.

Danny: Shithead!

John: His name is Sherman.

Danny: Right, shithead Sherman!

John: You know, you've got a real attitude problem.

Danny: Well I guess that's genetic, DAD!

Danny: What's wrong, Tabby?

Max: Don't be scared.

Tabitha: Boys, listen to me, we have to hide. There's a bad man, a very bad man in the house.

Max: He just wants to play. Like earlier at the door.

Tabitha: That was him?

Danny: [Chuckles] Owen.

Tabitha: No, don't.

Danny: But, Tabby, he said he just wanted to have some fun.

Danny: We can't stay here all night, Peter. He could block the exit and set fire to the whole damned place!

Danny: [as the 2 headed monster wakes up] Daddy. Daddy.

Cass: Whatta you know. He can talk.

Danny: Who are you?

Cass: I'm your brother.

Danny: I don't have a, a brother.

Cass: You do now. I don't like it any better. But until we can do something about it, I'm running this monster, understand?

Danny: Uh, my neck hurts.

Cass: My neck hurts, stupid. Don't you see what these maniacs had done to us?

Danny: Stop jerking around. You and I are now one, dummy. Let's stand up. I'll show you.

Cass: [as the monster gets up and starts walking for the first time] Aaaagh! I gotta teach the moron to walk.

Danny: How can you read in the dark?

Glimpy: What'd you say?

Danny: I said how can you read in the dark?

Glimpy: I went to night school.

Muggs: I'm going alone.

Danny: That makes three of us going alone.

Danny: [looking at a trunk] You gonna open it?

Muggs: Maybe it's one of those "Don't open 'til Christmas".

Danny: Where we going?

Scruno: We're going to camp!

Glimpy: Camp? How do you like that? I thought we were going to reform school, I would've been a sophomore this year.

Danny: No kidding!

Glimpy: Yeah!

Muggs: I got an idea, when it's dark...

Danny: We make a break for it?

Muggs: Exactly.

Glimpy: I milked a cow once, you know it's got four faucets to it.

Danny: What for?

Glimpy: Well the first faucet's for buttermilk, the second's for bottled milk, and the third's for evaporated milk.

Danny: What's the fourth one for?

Glimpy: Come to think of it, this cow only had three faucets.

Danny: Are you around later.

Deirdre: Ask my manager.

Danny: Fuck your manager.

Deirdre: Aye, maybe I will.

Mae: [shuffling cards] I used to read them round here til it got too uncomfortable. They kept turning up black. Who wants to pay to see the ace of spades?

Danny: Am I going to cross water, Mae?

Mae: When the last day comes, I think everyone'll turn up black, all over this city. Thousands and thousands of aces of spades on the same day at the same hour, and we'll know it not.

Bloom: By the way, in case you're wondering, I'm Jewish.

Danny: Are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?

Danny: [Looking through police photographs] They can't all have done something.

Bloom: O yes, they can. That's the beauty of it. Nowadays, here, everybody is guilty.

Bloom: Maybe you're better off forgetting.

Danny: *You* asked me to remember.

Bloom: I know. I know. But it's deep. And it's everywhere.

Danny: What is?

Bloom: Evil.

Danny: Tell me what a sin is.

Deirdre: It's a habit Catholics indulge in.

Deirdre: What about Protestants?

Deirdre: They don't know what sinning is.

Bonner: Vengeance is mine. Who said that?

Danny: I don't know.

Bonner: The Lord said that.

[Last lines]

Danny: Why didn't you tell me, Mr. Bloom?

Bloom: I didn't know.

Danny: You wanted me to find out.

Danny: Uh, I'm not very hungry; just gimme a double Polar Burger wit' everything and a cherry soda wit' chocolate ice cream.

Danny: Sandy!

Sandy: Tell me about it, stud.

Sandy: My parents want to invite you over for tea on Sunday.

Danny: I don't like tea.

Sandy: [laughing] You don't have to drink tea.

Danny: I don't like parents.

Danny: You're looking good, Riz.

Rizzo: Eat your heart out.

Danny: But sloppy seconds ain't my style.

Danny: [singing] I got chills / They're multiplyin' / And I'm losing control / Cause the power you're supplying / It's electrifyin'.

Sonny: Geez! Every teacher I got this year has flunked me at least once!

Doody: Yeah and if you don't watch it, you're gonna be spending all your time in McGee's office

Sonny: Yeah well this year she's gonna wish she's never seen me

Doody: Oh yeah? and what are you gonna do?

Sonny: I just ain't gonna take any of her crap that's all. I don't take no crap from nobody

Principal McGee: Sonny?

Sonny: Oh, Hello ma'am

Principal McGee: Aren't you suppose to be in homeroom right now?

Sonny: I was just going for a walk

Principal McGee: You were just dawdling weren't you?

Sonny: Yes ma'am

Principal McGee: That is no way to start a new semester Mr. LaTierre

Sonny: Va fa napoli, tutte puttana

Principal McGee: Perhaps a session of banging erasers after school would put you on the right track?

Sonny: Yes ma'am

Principal McGee: Are you just going to stand there all day?

Sonny: Uh no ma'am, I mean yes ma'am, I mean I'm just um...

Principal McGee: Well which is it, yes or no?

Sonny: No ma'am

Principal McGee: Good! Then MOVE!

Sonny: Yes Ma'am

Danny: I'm sure glad you didn't take any of her crap, Sonny. You would've really told her off, huh?

Coach Calhoun: [Danny is trying out for wrestling and smoking a cigarette] All right, let's trying cutting it to two packs a day. Now, you have to change.

Danny: Well, yeah. That's why I'm here, ya know? To change.

Coach Calhoun: No, I mean your clothes.

Danny: Oh.

Danny: That's cool baby, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and what not.

Sandy: Danny?

Danny: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Sandy: What's the matter with you?

Danny: What's the matter with me, baby, what's the matter with you?

Sandy: What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?

Danny: Well I do not know. Maybe there's two of us. Why don't you take out a missing person's ad? Or try the yellow pages, I don't know.

Sandy: You're a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid eyes on you!

Rizzo: Hey Zuko! I've got a surprise for you.

Danny: Oh, Yeah?

Rizzo: [chuckles] Yeah

Danny: [throws Sandy in front of him] Sandy!

Sandy: Danny!

Danny: Wha-what are you doing here, I thought you were moving back to Australia?

Sandy: We were but we had a change in plans!

[His friends stare at Danny with a strange face and he changes moods, pretending like he doesn't care]

Rizzo: Where are you goin'? To flog your log?

Danny: Much better than hanging around here with you dorks.

Danny: Oh, bite the weenie, Riz.

Rizzo: With relish.

Danny: Hey guys, look!

Kenickie: Ladies and gentlemen! Dingleberries On Parade!

Sonny: Yeah

[football player gets his foot stuck in his helmet]

Doody: Hey, look! You really put your foot into it this time, Chisum!

Putzie: Yeah, try hopscotch, you hot dog!

Sonny: [laughter] What a gavone! Gumdrops, man.

Danny: Well you know, these girls are only good for one thing.

Sonny: Yeah, what are you suppose to do with them the rest of the 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day?

Putzie: [With a serious but confused face] Is that all it takes 15 minutes?

[the guys slap him on the head]

Danny: Why, this car is Auto-matic. Its System-matic. Its Hyyyyydro-matic. Why, its Greased Lightning!

Danny: You know, if we fix up this car, it could be make-out city, you know that.

Sonny: Right, the chick is gonna have to put out before she even gets in.

Coach Calhoun: [after Danny has failed at wrestling, basketball, and baseball] Well, you know, there are a lot of other sports that don't require any physical contact.

Danny: Oh, yeah? Like what?

Coach Calhoun: Like, uh... track!

Danny: Whaddaya mean, like running?

Coach Calhoun: Not just running! Something that needs endurance! Something that needs stamina! Like, long-distance running! Cross-country running!

Danny: That could be cool.

Danny: You can't just walk out of a drive-in.

Sandy: [Danny is trying to make out with Sandy] No, Danny!

Danny: Sandy, don't worry about it, nobody's watching.

Sandy: Danny, get off me!

Danny: Come on, Sandy, what's the matter with you? I thought I meant something to you!

Sandy: Meant something to you! You think I'm going to stay here with you in this? this sin wagon? You can take this piece of tin!

[throws his class ring at him and runs away]

Danny: Sandy, you just can't walk out of a drive-in!

[first lines]

Sandy: I'm going back to Australia; I might never see you again.

Danny: Don't... don't talk that way, Sandy.

Sandy: But it's true! I've just had the best summer of my life, and now I have to go away. It isn't fair.

[Danny starts kissing her]

Sandy: Danny, don't spoil it!

Danny: It's not spoiling it, Sandy, it's only making it better.

Sandy: Danny... is this the end?

Danny: Of course not; it's only the beginning.

Danny: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Danny: You've gotta make friends with the cameraman.

Sandy: The cameraman?

Danny: Yeah, his name's Ted.

Danny: It's alcohol, Michael... use your nose.

Algy: Where's Knuckles? Isn't he is gonna to eat?

Danny: He's takin' a bath.

Muggs: That kid's gonna get sick from washin' himself so much.

Muggs: I think this organ has sumpin' t' do with the secret. You know, we heard it moanin' just before that ghost showed up. Then Agnes says "not to touch it." And Knuckles said Miss Mason was to meet him in this room. She vanished from this room. I'll betcha there's a secret panel.

Danny: You're crazy. You've been seein' so many movies.

Muggs: Movies - that's it! Say, what's The Thin Man got that I ain't got?

Danny: Myrna Loy.

Algy: Oh, I guess we owe you an apology, Simps.

Muggs: Yeah, maybe we owe it to 'im, but I ain't givin' it to 'im.

Danny: [to simp] So long as it's on the cuff, you can have mine, too.

Mason: I don't believe it. I don't believe it!

Danny: Well, there must be a practical side to having women along.

Dr. Perry: You mean like having your socks washed?

Danny: We're picking up a bomb of static. Must be due to the Van Allen Belt.

Danny: Those chopstick jockeys couldn't come up with a planet buster, could they?

[last lines]

Venusian Voice: Last Of Man, listen. The craft you are attempting to communicate with no longer exists. Your sister craft no longer exists.The signal you are following is a warning. Had you been able to decipher its meaning, you would not have attempted to trespass on our world.

Danny: Your world. Who are you?

Venusian Voice: We are the collective minds of this world your craft now orbits. Be it enough for you to know that during the span of our evolution, our civilization has witnessed the birth & death of worlds & suns untold. But enough. Your time is short. You may not enter our world. We have witnessed the self-destructive powers of the green planet you call Earth. We have no malice toward you. You have destroyed your place in the universe. Last Of Man, listen. Of this we will tell you. Your journey will continue. Something very strange and very great awaits you beyond the rim of the universe. And now, Last Of Man, your journey will begin.

[explosion]

Price: [maneuvering to avoid meteors] Doc, how much reserve fuel can I use?

Dr. Perry: We've got the whole return booster.

Danny: We're not going home, so shoot the works, Skipper.

Olivia Grayne: I'm not a snob, but in case you'd like to call here again, I'd like to point out that although I'm employed by my aunt, I'm not in Dora's position.

Danny: Well, I hope not. I am gonna marry her though, and I...

Olivia Grayne: I don't believe you.

Danny: You don't believe me, do you?

Olivia Grayne: Your eyes are set quite wide apart... and your hands are quite good, but I really don't know what's wrong with you.

Danny: Like me, do you?

Olivia Grayne: No!

Danny: Everybody else does.

Danny: I forgot it was Sunday. They're goin' to church down in the villages. All got up in their Sunday best. And the organ is playin' and the windows are shinin'. Shinin' on holy things because holy things isn't afraid of the daylight. But all the time, the daylight's movin' across the floor. And by the end of the sermon, the air in the church is turnin' gray and the people isn't able to think so much of holy things anymore but only of the terrible things that's goin' on outside. Because they know it's still still daylight and everything is ordinary and quiet and the day is the same as all the other days. And it'll come to an end. And it'll be night.

Emily Terence, the Cook: You don't sound very repentent.

Danny: Oh, but I am. What's done is done, isn't it, isn't it? That's my motto.

Emily Terence, the Cook: [Olivia walks out] What does that mean?

Danny: [laughs] She's a fine bit of ice for hot weather, isn't she?

Danny: [Referring to Mrs. Branson] She's an invalid, isn't she?

Emily Terence, the Cook: If she's an invalid, I'm Mickey Mouse.

Olivia Grayne: You've been drinking.

Danny: I've had a drink... and I feel fine...

Danny: That's the kind of fella I am. I make my mind up about something and then I do it.

Danny: I'm the one who WATCHES!