Daniel Cleaver Quotes in Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

Daniel Cleaver: Come on Bridget, we belong together - you, me, poor little skirt. If I can't make it with you then I can't make it with anyone.

Bridget: That's not a good enough offer for me.

Daniel Cleaver: I've been going crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, and thinking about what an idiot I've been. Christ, is that blue soup?

Mark Darcy: All right Cleaver, outside.

Daniel Cleaver: [half laughing] I'm sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?

Daniel Cleaver: Now these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress. And, um, these are, fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.

Bridget: Jesus. Fuck.

Daniel Cleaver: No, no. Don't apologize. I like them. Hello, Mummy.

[they kiss]

Daniel Cleaver: I'm sorry, I have to have another look. They're too good to be true.

Bridget: No...

Daniel Cleaver: They're nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.

Mark Darcy: I should have done this years ago.

Daniel Cleaver: Done what?

Mark Darcy: This.

[Darcy punches Cleaver, hard]

Daniel Cleaver: Ow. Fuck me, that really hurt. What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Mark Darcy: This.

[Darcy punches Cleaver again, even harder]

Daniel Cleaver: [after crashing through the window] Uhh... Jesus. All right.

Mark Darcy: All right?

Daniel Cleaver: Enough.

Mark Darcy: Enough enough.

[Darcy begins to walk away]

Daniel Cleaver: Wanker.

[Darcy punches him hard, knocking Cleaver down]

Daniel Cleaver: [lands on restaurant table] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!

Mark Darcy: [places hand in someone's salad] Oh, God! I'm sorry!

[wipes dirty hand on man's suit]

Mark Darcy: I really am sorry. I-I will pay.

Daniel Cleaver: Had enough Darcy?

Mark Darcy: Not quite, if that's all right by you.

[punches Daniel hard]

Waiter: Happy birthday to you...

[everyone joins in, stopping fight]

Waiter: Happy birthday to you!

Mark Darcy: Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...

Daniel Cleaver: Happy birthday to you...

[tackles Darcy, both fly out window]

Daniel Cleaver: If you have to travel alone, travel in style.

Bridget: Daniel, what you just did is actually illegal in several countries.

Daniel Cleaver: That is one of the reasons that I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

Daniel Cleaver: First, have some more wine, and then tell me the story about practicing French kissing with the art girls at school, because it's a very good story.

Bridget: It wasn't French kissing.

Daniel Cleaver: Don't care, make it up. That's an order, Jones.

Bridget: So what do you think of the situation in Chechnya?

Daniel Cleaver: I couldn't give a fuck, Jones.

Daniel Cleaver: [to Mark Darcy] My, what a gripping life you do lead.

Bridget: Apparently, I used to run round naked in his paddling pool.

Daniel Cleaver: I bet you did, you dirty bitch.

Daniel Cleaver: Fuck me, I love Keats.

Daniel Cleaver: There once was a young woman from Ealing, / Who had a particular feeling. / She lay on her back, / And opened her crack, / And pissed all over the ceiling.

Daniel Cleaver: [while fighting Darcy] I'll shin you!

Daniel Cleaver: [Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy have just had a fistfight over Bridget] You know what, mate? If you are so obsessed with Bridget Jones, why don't you just marry her?

Mark Darcy: [turns away and starts to walk]

Daniel Cleaver: [pause] Cause then she'd definitely shag me.

[Mark dives again into the fountain]

Bridget Jones: Daniel Cleaver is a deceitful, sexist, disgusting specimen of humanity that I wouldn't share a lift with, let alone a job.

Daniel Cleaver: [swings around on his chair, coming into Bridget's view] Oh, come on Jones there must have been something you liked about me.

Bridget Jones: You have a nice car. And - quite nice manners, outside the bedroom. But that's about it. And by the way, I know exactly where Germany is. The question is, do you know the location of your arsehole?

[walks out]

Daniel Cleaver: [to other colleagues] As a matter of fact I do know the exact location of my arsehole. And hers, for that matter.

Mark Darcy: Would you step outside please?

Daniel Cleaver: I'm afraid it's not possible.

Mark Darcy: Look are you gonna step outside or do I have to drag you?

Daniel Cleaver: I think you're gonna have to drag me.

Daniel Cleaver: [while fighting] You're insane!

Mark Darcy: And you're a disgrace, Cleaver, and you're gonna pay for it!

Daniel Cleaver: Ow, you're pulling my hair! Fuck off, I'm not going in the sodding water!

Mark Darcy: You're going in, Cleaver!

Daniel Cleaver: If I'm going in, you're going in with me, you smug bastard!

[they fall into the fountain]

Daniel Cleaver: Well, you know what a fan I am of any woman married to Mark Darcy.

Bridget Jones: You know, I never really understood why you wanted to date me. It seems so unlikely.

Daniel Cleaver: Come on, Jones, for God's sake. You're sexy. You make me laugh - at you of course, not with you. And you were, incidentally, the best shag I ever had.

Daniel Cleaver: Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance? Hmm?

Bridget Jones: Except Hitler.

Daniel Cleaver: What is this special power you hold over me, Jones?

Daniel Cleaver: [after fighting and falling into a fountain together] What are you gonna do now? Drown me in sixteen inches of water?

Mark Darcy: [slight pause] Yes, certainly.

[fight resumes]

Daniel Cleaver: I spent the night with a gorgeous Thai girl who turned out to be a gorgeous Thai boy!

Daniel Cleaver: New York. the Big, Juicy Apple. The city that never sleeps with the same person two nights running. My favorite place in America, where Sex And The City isn't just a programme, it's a promise.

Jeremy Paxman: Ah Daniel! Your Madrid piece was outstanding. Full of insights; really original.

Daniel Cleaver: [Walking with Bridget] Oh cheers Jeremy, thanks mate. Ya, I really appreciate that. Lads worked really hard on that one.

Daniel Cleaver: [Jeremy walks away] Tosser.

Daniel Cleaver: [to Bridget] Talking of which, how is Mark Darcy?

Daniel Cleaver: Oh, come on Jones. Who gave who the hoof... and why?

Bridget Jones: Let's just say... that we suffered from fatal incompatibility.

Daniel Cleaver: Oh, Suvarnamali, Why can you not see that I adore you? Why do you avoid and scorn me? If you cast me off and leave me. How should I live another day?