Daniel Quotes in The Karate Kid (1984)

Daniel: Hey, what kind of belt do you have?

Miyagi: Canvas. JC Penney, $3.98. You like?

Daniel: [laughs] No, I meant...

Miyagi: In Okinawa, belt mean no need rope to hold up pants.

[laughs; then, seriously]

Miyagi: Daniel-san...

[taps his head]

Miyagi: Karate here.

[taps his heart]

Miyagi: Karate here.

[points to his belt]

Miyagi: Karate never here. Understand?

Daniel: Hey - you ever get into fights when you were a kid?

Miyagi: Huh - plenty.

Daniel: Yeah, but it wasn't like the problem I have, right?

Miyagi: Why? Fighting fighting. Same same.

Daniel: Yeah, but you knew karate.

Miyagi: Someone always know more.

Daniel: You mean there were times when you were scared to fight?

Miyagi: Always scare. Miyagi hate fighting.

Daniel: Yeah, but you like karate.

Miyagi: So?

Daniel: So, karate's fighting. You train to fight.

Miyagi: That what you think?

Daniel: [pondering] No.

Miyagi: Then why train?

Daniel: [thinks] So I won't have to fight.

Miyagi: [laughs] Miyagi have hope for you.

Miyagi: First, wash all car. Then wax. Wax on...

Daniel: Hey, why do I have to...?

Miyagi: Ah ah! Remember deal! No questions!

Daniel: Yeah, but...

Miyagi: Hai!

[makes circular gestures with each hand]

Miyagi: Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important.

[walks away, still making circular motions with hands]

Miyagi: Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

Miyagi: Karate come from China, sixteenth century, called te, "hand." Hundred year later, Miyagi ancestor bring to Okinawa, call *kara*-te, "empty hand."

Daniel: I thought it came from Buddhist temples and stuff like that.

Miyagi: You too much TV.

Miyagi: Your friend, all karate student, eh?

Daniel: Friend? Oh, yeah, those guys.

Miyagi: Problem: attitude.

Daniel: No the problem is, I'm getting my ass kicked every other day, that's the problem.

Miyagi: Hai, because boys have bad attitude. Karate for defense only.

Daniel: That's not what these guys are taught.

Miyagi: Hai - can see. No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher. Teacher say, student do.

Daniel: Oh, great, that solves everything for me. I'll just go down to the school and straighten it out with the teacher, no problem.

Miyagi: Now use head for something other than target.

Miyagi: Go, find balance.

[chuckles]

Daniel: [starts to drive away]

Miyagi: Banzai, Daniel-san.

Daniel: Hey, banzai!

Miyagi: [beat; then, louder] Banzai!

Daniel: [louder] Banzai!

Miyagi: [shouts] Banzai!

Daniel: [shouts back] Banzai!

Miyagi: Now, ready?

Daniel: Yeah, I guess so.

Miyagi: [sighs] Daniel-san, must talk.

[they both kneel]

Miyagi: Walk on road, hm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later

[makes squish gesture]

Miyagi: get squish just like grape. Here, karate, same thing. Either you karate do "yes" or karate do "no." You karate do "guess so,"

[makes squish gesture]

Miyagi: just like grape. Understand?

Daniel: Yeah, I understand.

Miyagi: Now, ready?

Daniel: Yeah, I'm ready.

[Daniel, Miyagi and Ali are trying to get onto the tournament floor together]

Official: Hold it!

Official: [to Ali] Sorry, teachers and students only.

Daniel: Oh, well, uh... he doesn't speak English and, uh, I can't understand his instructions without her. She's his, uh, translator.

Miyagi: [says something in Japanese]

Official: What did he say?

Ali: He says that, uh, you remind him of an uncle he has back in Tokyo.

Official: [smiles] I guess it's okay.

Miyagi: [says something in Japanese]

Official: What?

Ali: He says you're very kind.

Official: Thank you.

Miyagi: Welcome.

[Miyagi karate-chops the tops off three beer bottles]

Daniel: How did you do that? How did you do that?

Miyagi: Don't know. First time.

[Daniel is about to have his first match in the tournament]

Daniel: All right, so what are the rules here?

Miyagi: Don't know. First time you, first time me.

Daniel: Well, I figured you knew about this stuff. I figured you went to these before. Oh great, I'm dead. I am dead. You told me you fought a lot.

Miyagi: For life, not for points.

Miyagi: [Miyagi returns from fishing as Daniel is painting the house] Oh, miss spot.

Daniel: What spot? Hey, how come you didn't tell me you were goin' fishing?

Miyagi: You not here when I go.

Daniel: Well, maybe I wanted to go, you ever think of that?

Miyagi: You karate training.

Daniel: I'm *what*? I'm bein' your goddamn *slave* is what I'm bein' here man, now c'mon we made a deal here!

Miyagi: So?

Daniel: So? So, you're supposed to teach and I'm supposed to learn! For 4 days I've been bustin' my ass, and haven't learned a goddamn thing!

Miyagi: You learn plenty.

Daniel: I learn plenty, yeah, I learned how to sand your decks maybe. I washed your car, paint your house, paint your fence. I learn plenty!

Miyagi: Ah, not everything is as seems...

Daniel: Oh, bullshit! I'm goin' home, man!

[Daniel turns to walk away]

Miyagi: Daniel-san! Daniel-san!

Daniel: What?

Miyagi: Come here.

Daniel: Wouldn't a fly swatter be easier?

Miyagi: Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.

Daniel: Ever catch one?

Miyagi: Not yet.

Daniel: [after seeing Miyagi practice the crane technique] Could you teach me?

Miyagi: First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel-san, not mine.

Daniel: Where'd you learn it from?

Miyagi: Father teach.

Daniel: You musta had some father, man.

Miyagi: Oh yes.

Daniel: [throwing his bicycle into a dumpster after being beaten up] This damn bike! I hate this bike. I hate this frickin' bike! Stupid bike.

Lucille Larusso: Daniel! What's the matter? Why did you throw your bike away?

Daniel: Because I felt like it.

Lucille Larusso: Please look at me when I'm talking to you.

[sees Daniel's bruised face]

Lucille Larusso: Oh my god!

Daniel: Mom.

Lucille Larusso: Can you tell me what's going on and don't tell me about another bike accident?

Daniel: What do you want to hear mom?

Lucille Larusso: I want to hear the truth!

Daniel: No you don't want to hear the truth. All you want to hear about is how great it is. Well it may be great for you but it SUCKS for me! I hate this place! I HATE IT! I just want to go home. Why can't we just go home?

Lucille Larusso: Listen to me. I cannot help you unless you talk to me

Daniel: I gotta take karate. That's it.

Lucille Larusso: You took karate!

Daniel: No, not at the Y. At a good school.

Lucille Larusso: But fighting doesn't solve anything Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah well neither does palm trees mom.

Lucille Larusso: That's not fair!

Daniel: Like it was fair coming over here without asking me how I felt about it. Right, that was real fair.

Lucille Larusso: You're right. I should've asked.

Daniel: Well I just want to go home. That's it. I don't understand the rules here and I just want to go home.

Lucille Larusso: Let's clean you up and maybe we can figure the rules out together. What about your bike?

Daniel: It's safer taking a bus.

Daniel: When do I learn how to punch?

Miyagi: Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?

Daniel: You're the best friend I've ever had.

Miyagi: You... pretty okay, too.

Daniel: This school sucks, man. Sucks.

Daniel: Hey, where did these old cars come from?

Miyagi: Detroit.

Miyagi: [teaching Daniel to punch, wearing a catcher's mask and pads] Daniel-san. Secret to punch, make the power of whole body fit inside one inch, here.

[points to Daniel's closed fist]

Miyagi: Power, whole body, one inch, here. Now, punch. Hard.

[Daniel punches Miyagi in the chest, weakly]

Miyagi: What'sa matter, you some kind of girl or something?

[makes punching gesture]

Miyagi: Punch! Drive a punch! Not just arm, whole body! Hip, leg, drive a punch! Make "kiai." Kiai! Kiai! Give you power. Now, try punch.

[Miyagi prompts, Daniel punches Miyagi harder]

Miyagi, Daniel: Kiai!

Miyagi: Once more.

Miyagi, Daniel: [Miyagi prompts again, Daniel punches again, even harder] Kiai!

Miyagi: Once more.

Miyagi, Daniel: [prompt, punches again, harder] Kiai!

Miyagi, Daniel: [prompt, punch again] Kiai!

Miyagi: Very good, Daniel-san!

Miyagi, Daniel: [repeated action] Kiai! Kiai!

Daniel: [starts hopping] Hey, pretty good, huh? Kiai!

Daniel: [spinning arm, fancy footwork] Hey, look at this, Miyagi. Kiai!

Miyagi: Matte- mat-matte.

Daniel: [punching becoming less effective] Kiai! Kiai!

Miyagi: Wait-wait, Daniel-san.

Daniel: [mockingly punches Miyagi while continuing to bunny-hop] Kiai! Kiai!

Miyagi: [trying to get him to stop] Ch-ch-ch-chotto

Daniel: [dancing around very quickly and still playfully punching Miyagi] Hey, what do you think, Mr. Miyagi, huh?

Miyagi: [takes Daniel down by hooking his legs with his, then giving him a chop] I tell you what Miyagi think! I think you *dance around* too much! I think you *talk* too much! I think you not concentrate enough! Lots of work to be done! Tournament just around the corner! Come. Stand up! Now, ready. Concentrate. Focus power.

Miyagi: [drunk] Banzai!

Daniel: [totally confused] To baby trees.

Miyagi: Not bonsai, BANZAI!

Daniel: [practicing blocks in Mr. Miyagi's boat] When am I gonna learn how to punch?

Miyagi: Learn how punch, after you learn how keep dry!

[rocks boat, throwing Daniel into the water]

Daniel: I don't know if I know enough karate.

Miyagi: Feeling correct.

Daniel: You sure know how to make a guy feel confident.

Miyagi: You trust the quality of what you know, not quantity.

Daniel: I'm not by myself. I'm with you.

Miyagi: To make honey, young bee need young flower, not old prune.

Miyagi: [on Daniel's birthday, after having already given him a present] Go outside. Something show you.

Daniel: What?

Miyagi: Number two present.

[leads Daniel outside]

Daniel: [walking and talking] Number two present? You don't have to give me anything. You've given me enough already.

[Miyagi keeps walking, silently]

Daniel: No really, I'm serious.

Miyagi: [stops and points to his fleet of antique cars] Choose.

Daniel: [surprised and hesitant] Oh, no...

Miyagi: Hai! Hurt old man feeling.

[points again]

Miyagi: Choose.

Daniel: Hey, you got a name?

Ali: Ali... with an I. Hey, what's your name?

Daniel: Daniel... with an L.

Daniel: I can't believe this. I cannot believe this.

Miyagi: What?

Daniel: What you just got me into in there.

Miyagi: Huh?

Daniel: You said you were going to make things better for me.

Miyagi: But I did.

Daniel: How?

Miyagi: How? Just saved you two months beating.

Daniel: Oh great now I really have something to look forward to.

Miyagi: [Daniel has just gotten his driver's license and Miyagi has given him a car for his birthday] Just remember, license never replace eye, ear, and brain.

[notices Daniel has suddenly gotten quiet]

Miyagi: What matter?

Daniel: I'm just scared. The tournament and everything.

Miyagi: You remember lesson about balance?

Daniel: Yeah.

Miyagi: Lesson not just karate only. Lesson for whole life. Whole life have a balance. Everything be better. Understand?

Lucille Larusso: [singing] California, here we come. California... oh, what's the matter, Daniel? Don't you like my singing?

Daniel: I don't like the song, Ma.

Daniel: What's the matter? The truth hurt?

Ali Mills: So you really think that's it?

Daniel: I know it is.

Ali Mills: Yeah well, you're wrong.

Daniel: Oh, you bet I'm wrong.

Ali Mills: You know Daniel, I didn't go out with you because of a car or where you live.

Daniel: Okay, since we're on the subject, why did you?

[silence]

Daniel: Huh? Why did you?

Ali Mills: I thought maybe you and me we're different.

Daniel: Oh yeah, I'm from Reseda, you're from the hills, that's how we're different.

Ali Mills: Oh, shut up.

Daniel: Admit that you just can't handle the situation the way it is.

Ali Mills: You know I can handle it fine. But you can't.

[exits]

Susan: What makes you so sensitive? She's never been anything but nice to you.

Daniel: Yeah she even used to me to make what's-his-name jealous.

Susan: She doesn't even like what's-his-name!

Daniel: Yeah I couldn't really tell, by the way their faces we're stuck together at that country club.

Susan: Oh, that's right. You didn't stick around for the um... exciting conclusion.

Daniel: Oh what was that? His hand on her ass?

Susan: Her right hook, you think she sprained her wrists doing her nails?

Daniel: She hit him?

Susan: An understatement.

Daniel: I don't get it, why didn't she say something?

Susan: She shouldn't have to? Should she?

[walks away]

Ring Announcer: [Daniel has just scored the winning point with a kick to Johnny's chin, thus winning the championship... ring announcer prepares to present trophy] THE NEW CHAMPION...

Johnny Lawrence: [in tears and with a bloodied face taking trophy from ring announcer and presenting it himself to Daniel] You're all right, LaRusso!

Ring Announcer: ...DANIEL LARUSSO!

Johnny Lawrence: Good match!

Daniel: [to Johnny, as Daniel's being carried off the ring by the enthusiastic crowd] Thanks a lot!

[they arrive at their new home]

Lucille Larusso: This is it. This is the end of the line.

Daniel: You're telling me.

Daniel: Oh, great, that solves everything for me. I'll just go down to the school and straighten it out with the teacher, no problem.

Miyagi: Now use head for something other than target.

Daniel: Hey, I was just kidding about that.

Miyagi: Why kidding?

Daniel: Because I'd get killed if I go down there.

Miyagi: Get killed anyway.

Daniel: Why didn't you tell me?

Miyagi: Tell what?

Daniel: That you knew karate.

Miyagi: You not ask.

Daniel: Well, where'd you learn it?

Miyagi: Father.

Daniel: But I thought he was a fisherman.

Miyagi: In Okinawa, all Miyagi know two things: fish and karate.

Lucille Larusso: Look at those palm trees. Damn! You know what that means?

Daniel: Yeah. Watch out for falling coconuts.

Daniel: Where am I, this ring over here?

Miyagi: Hai. Number three.

Daniel: What's that guy kneeling like that for?

Miyagi: Don't know.

Daniel: Don't you know anything you can tell me?

Miyagi: Hai. No get hit.

Daniel: [seeing the giant water slide at the amusement area] Whoa, look at that slide.

Ali: Oh yeah, we'll do that next time.

Daniel: Why next time?

Ali: Because we didn't bring a bathing suit!

Daniel: No offense, Mr. Miyaji, but I don't think you understand my problem...

Miyagi: [interrupting] Mi... ya... *gi* understand problem perfect.

Daniel: [as his mom walks away, Daniel still keeps talking to himself about Ali] ... She's pretty cute... I think she's pretty cute...

Johnny Lawrence: [DELETED SCENE: Johnny accosts Daniel at school, gives him a piece of paper] ... Got something for you. All-Valley Tournament application. You fill that out and send it in, so they'll know where to claim the body. Next-of-kin stuff, ya know?

Daniel: Let me ask you something: We both know you can stomp me, anytime and anywhere, for any reason. So why bother rubbing it in?

Johnny Lawrence: [shrugs] Maybe I like rubbing it in.

Daniel: Don't you ever think that he

[obviously referring to Kreese]

Daniel: might be wrong - at least, about some things?

[Johnny backs off while doing a slow burn]

Lucille Larusso: [DELETED SCENE: At their apartment, Daniel's mom is reading the fine print on the All-Valley Tournament application] ... This says I won't hold anybody responsible if you're injured. Are you NUTS?

Daniel: Mom, I've gotta do this.

Lucille Larusso: Do WHAT? Get KILLED?

Daniel: Nobody gets hurt, Ma.

Lucille Larusso: Then why do I have to sign anything?

[She crumples the application and throws it away]

Lucille Larusso: Good night, Daniel.

[after she retires, Daniel rescues the application and un-crumples it. Then he signs his mother's name to it]

Daniel: You could've killed him, couldn't you?

Mr. Miyagi: Hai.

Daniel: Well, why didn't you then?

Mr. Miyagi: Because, Daniel-san, for person with no forgiveness in heart, living even worse punishment than death.

[Walking through the Okinawa airport, Daniel and Miyagi find a poster advertising Sato's karate school. The poster shows Sato breaking a log with his bare hands]

Daniel: Hey can you break a log like that?

Miyagi: Don't know. Never been attacked by tree.

Daniel: Doesn't that bother you?

Miyagi: Why should it?

Daniel: Well the people may believe it's true or something.

Miyagi: Daniel-san, lie become truth only if person wanna believe it.

Daniel: Is that another old okinawan saying?

Miyagi: No. New Okinawa saying.

Daniel: How new?

Miyagi: hmmmm...

Miyagi: [pauses, pretending to think]

Miyagi: 'bout ten second

[at the cannery. Daniel has ripped his shirt, and almost gotten himself killed, while perfecting Miyagi's "Swinging Drum" maneuver]

Mr. Miyagi: Daniel-san, you all right?

Daniel: Yeah... I'm sorry; that was pretty stupid, wasn't it?

Mr. Miyagi: [with a grim smile] Miyagi say that to father when same thing happen. Father agree, was stupid. Father was right.

[Miyagi is sitting by himself near the beach after his father's funeral; Daniel comes and sits with him]

Daniel: You know... When MY father died, I spent a lot of time thinking I hadn't been such a great son. It seemed to me like I could have listened to him a little more, spent a little more time with him... I felt so guilty, you know, like he did everything for me and I didn't do anything for him. Then one day it occurred to me... that I did the greatest thing of all for him just before he died: I was there with him, and I held his hand, and I said goodbye.

[first lines]

[after Daniel has won his first tournament]

Daniel: Hey Mr. Miyagi, you know I've been thinking.

Mr. Miyagi: About what, Daniel-San?

Daniel: That we should come up with some kind of strategy.

Mr. Miyagi: For what?

Daniel: My future, my whole tournament career.

Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi already have one.

Daniel: Really? What is it?

Mr. Miyagi: Early retirement.

[last lines]

[after a big fight]

Daniel: Live or die, man?

Chozen: Die.

Daniel: Wrong.

[honks Chozen's nose]

Daniel: Oh no, not again. I'm not looking for trouble.

Chozen: Maybe trouble looking for you.

[the day after Miyagi's father's funeral]

Daniel: I don't get something. If Sato hates you so much, why does he give you time to mourn?

Mr. Miyagi: Because, Daniel-san, Miyagi father was Sato teacher. Deep in heart, Sato still know right from wrong.

Daniel: Then why does he still want to kill you?

Mr. Miyagi: [shrugging] ... Because sometimes, what heart know, head forget.

Kumiko: [after Daniel offers to take Kumiko to America with him] But this is my home.

Daniel: Home is where you hang your hat.

Kumiko: Do you think that I would like America?

Daniel: I think you'd love it.

Kumiko: Do you think that it would love me?

Daniel: Well, I know one part of it that already does.

[after Miyagi saves Sato's life in the hurricane, he and Daniel survey the devastated village. Sato's trucks pull up]

Daniel: Hey, what's Sato doing here?

Mr. Miyagi: Don't know.

[Sato gets out, dressed in a foreman's outfit]

Sato: I come help rebuild. Here deed to village.

[bows low]

Sato: Forgive me, I beg of you.

Mr. Miyagi: [claps him on the shoulder] Oh, Sato, nothing to forgive.

[Daniel and Kumiko approach]

Daniel: Mr. Sato? Can I say something? Well, o-bon's coming up, and they can't really have it in the village now...

Sato: What do you ask of me?

Daniel: Well, can they have it in the castle? I mean that's where it really belongs, isn't it?

Sato: [smiles at Miyagi] Your student become my teacher.

[shouts]

Sato: O-bon will be held in castle, now and forever!

[Cheering. Sato and Daniel shake hands]

Sato: One condition: you dance with us. Okay?

Daniel: Okay.

Mr. Miyagi: [puts his hand on theirs] Okay.

Chozen: Your teacher need a hearing aid. Maybe you need one too.

Daniel: I only hear what's worth listening to.

Daniel: Mr. Miyagi? Was Sato as good as you in karate?

Mr. Miyagi: We had same teacher.

Daniel: Your father?

Mr. Miyagi: Hai.

Daniel: But I thought your family's karate was only taught from father to son?

Mr. Miyagi: Father make exception.

Daniel: If you and Sato had fought, would your father have been the referee?

Mr. Miyagi: Would've been no referee.

Daniel: Then how do you know who wins?

Mr. Miyagi: The one who dead doesn't.

[Chozen has taken Kumiko hostage and is challenging Daniel to a fight]

Mr. Miyagi: Chozen, you are your uncle's finest student. No disgrace him here.

Chozen: Your student disgrace me. I have been dishonored all because of him.

Daniel: Hey, whatever happened, I apologize!

Chozen: Apology will not give me back my honor.

Daniel: Well, neither will this.

Chozen: In their eyes it will. No more talk. You cross bridge or I kill her.

[Daniel starts to cross the bridge]

Mr. Miyagi: Daniel-San, this not tournament. This for real.

Daniel: [presenting Miyagi with a rosewood display case, obviously for Miyagi's WW2 medals] I got something for you here... see, it's rosewood. For your medals. I thought it'd be nice to... like, show 'em off or something.

Miyagi: Why, Daniel-san... Thank you for gift. But why show off?

Daniel: Well, you know, winning the Medal of Honor and all... It says something about you. Like, you're brave. And all that stuff.

Miyagi: [puts hand to Daniel's chest] THIS say you brave.

[motions to medal]

Miyagi: This say you LUCKY.

Daniel: Just what did you do to earn this, anyhow?

Miyagi: ...Not important anymore.

Daniel: ...Was it scary for you?

Miyagi: ...Miyagi knees no stop shaking for whole week after.

Daniel: ...Did you have to kill a lot of people or something?

Miyagi: Hai, unfortunately.

Daniel: But they were, like, the enemy... weren't they?

Miyagi: They were also PEOPLE, Danielsan.

[Daniel is at the airport, trying to talk Miyagi into taking him along to Okinawa]

Daniel: Come on, it'll give me a chance to study Okinawan History... like up close, you know.

Mr. Miyagi: Daniel-san, you never tell Miyagi you study Okinawan History before.

Daniel: Well... I just started.

[Miyagi has given Daniel a drum toy]

Daniel: This is the secret of your family's karate?

Mr. Miyagi: Hai.

Daniel: I don't get it.

Mr. Miyagi: Practice, you will.

Daniel: [as Daniel is working to salvage the Miyagi family dojo and bonsai garden - which Chozen and Company ransacked the night before - Miyagi approaches and hands him a scroll. Miyagi has already agreed to fight Sato, who threatened the entire village with sale to a real-estate developer if Miyagi refused] What's this?

Mr. Miyagi: Last will and testament. Yukie get house and deed to village. You get house and pickup back home.

Daniel: No, I don't want the house and the pickup back home, I want you! Can't you call this off?

Mr. Miyagi: Tried everything.

Daniel: Well, can't we just leave? Can't we just forget about the honor garbage?

Mr. Miyagi: Has nothing to do with honor garbage. Has to do with village survival

Daniel: This isn't like three points and you're out. If you lose, I know what happens.

Mr. Miyagi: Oh, but Miyagi already won Daniel-san. No matter what happen, village will be safe forever.

[after Daniel complains about having to spend the summer in Fresno]

Daniel: Hey, what are you building out there?

Mr. Miyagi: Guest room.

Daniel: Are you expecting company?

Mr. Miyagi: Nah, refugee.

Daniel: Refugee? Oh yeah, that's great. From where?

Mr. Miyagi: Fresno.

[Miyagi has finally succeeded in catching a fly with his chopsticks - outside, Daniel drives up in the car Miyagi gave him for his birthday; it is sputtering and the fender is dented]

Mr. Miyagi: Ah, Daniel-san! Must've been some senior prom. What happened?

Daniel: You mean, what DIDN'T happen. First I let Ali borrow this car and she re-designs my fender. And I don't know what she's done to my engine, but that ain't running right either. You know what else she does? She tells me she's fallen in love with some football player from UCLA. Why couldn't she just lie to me or something?

Mr. Miyagi: Things could be worse.

Daniel: Don't worry, they are. Last night, my Mom tells me she got transferred by her company to their new branch... in FRESNO! I can't believe I gotta spend my entire summer vacation in FRESNO!

[Miyagi is examining the car, reaching under its hood]

Daniel: You're not gonna be able to fix that.

[No sooner are the words out of Daniel's mouth than Miyagi twists something around; now the engine runs perfectly]

Daniel: How'd you do that? What'd you do?

Chozen: You're little teacher ever teach you how to fight with spear?

Daniel: [scared] No.

Chozen: [tosses him spear] That's too bad. Maybe Miyagi teach you how to be coward instead.

Taro: [to Toshio] Maybe his teacher teaches him to be coward instead.

[laughs]

Toshio: [laughs with Taro]

Daniel: [referring to their o-bon dance] Maybe we should take it on the road!

Kumiko: [confused] But we're on the road.

Perceptor: I fear the wounds are... fatal.

Daniel: [long pause] Prime, you can't die.

Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.

Hot Rod: Prime.

Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.

Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I'm... I'm just a soldier. I... I'm not worthy.

Optimus Prime: Nor was I. But one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks, and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.

[opens his chest to reveal the Matrix. Removes it and begins to hand it over to Ultra Magnus]

Optimus Prime: Until that day, till all are one.

[the Matrix starts to fall to the ground. Hot Rod catches it, gives it to Ultra Magnus. Ultra Magnus inserts it inside. Optimus Prime dies]

Springer: [about the Junkions] It's not hard to knock 'em down, it's getting them to stay down that's the trick!

Arcee: They're indestructible!

Daniel: And they're everywhere!

Daniel: [views the shuttle from a viewscope] Hot Rod, look, there's a hole in the shuttle!

Hot Rod: [shocked] What?

Hot Rod: [zooms his eyes in on the damaged shuttle] Decepticons!

Kup: [sees Hot Rod shooting at the incoming shuttle] What's that darn fool doing?

Springer: Ignition and...

Daniel: Wait, Ultra Magnus. Arcee is still out there.

Springer: [to Arcee] JUMP!

[Arcee jumps and grabs onto the shuttle's hatch]

Arcee: [Springer pulls her in] Thanks.

Daniel: That was close.

Springer: Believe it or not, that was the fun part.

Spike: This is Spike and Bumblebee up here on Moon Base Two.

Bumblebee: This thing, this monster planet, just ripped the first moon to shreds.

Spike: And it's heading this way.

Bumblebee: We'll try and slow it down.

Spike: But you'd better get here fast because we're not gonna...

[static obscures the messaage]

Daniel: Dad!

Springer: Looks like you're bunking with me, Daniel!

Daniel: [surprised] All right!

Springer: But if you get space sick, you're gonna walk home.

Springer: [Unicron self-destructing, Spike and Daniel find remaining Autobots] Spike! Daniel!

Spike: Springer, what's going on?

Springer: No time for that now! Let's get out of here!

[Autobots start to escape Unicron's hull]

Daniel: Look!

[sees Hot Rod, now Rodimus Prime, running from the depths of Unicron]

Rodimus Prime: Autobots, transform and roll out!

[Spike and Daniel climb into transformed Rodimus Prime]

Kup: I always knew you had potential, lad.

[Autobots escape out Unicron's eye as he self-destructs]

Jason: [having found Bodhi in "Tiretown"] ... No! I said, FORGET GOING BACK.

Rabbit: So what, are we gonna stay HERE?

Tug: Please, not in Tiretown. I'd rather go back to the desert.

Metron: And die of thirst?

Terra: There's GOTTA be another place to go.

Metron: Well, until YOU'RE ready to SHOW us...

Daniel: I think we should make our own place to live.

Metron: Make it out of WHAT, Daniel? Look, even with Bodhi, where would we start? And when would we finish?

Terra: Metron, if your future lies with the Protectorate, you should have stayed at the Orphanage!

[She storms off]

Jason: [alone with Bodhi] ... Hi. Do you get bored just sitting in this box?... I can't believe that I'm standing here talking to a BALL. No offense.

[the other Solarbabies come in]

Metron: So, this "Bodhi"... We still haven't figured out what it is.

Daniel: He's a WHO, not an IT.

Terra: Well, then WHO is it?

Emilien: Do you know how to ski?

Daniel: No, I know how to drive.

Daniel: We are God's Chosen People!

Mostafa: Do you believe what you say?

Ike: Daniel!

Daniel: Yes sir?

Ike: We're gonna get those steers into Lusk and sold before Christmas

Daniel: Yes sir.

Ike: You won't leave town till we get top dollar, no exceptions.

Daniel: Yes sir...

Daniel: Mr. Franklin me and the boys was wondering, well sir, we wanted to know if you had decided to give us Christmas day off? Some of the men got family and I think they need that time...

Ike: You'll get a day off when that cattle is sold. Christmas is just another working day.

Daniel: Yes sir, stock comes fisrt.

Daniel: [to Alejandro before the others following their treatment by the tribe before being allocated to their cages] You know what this is? You know what they're doing to us?

Daniel: You don't choose a life, dad. You live one.

Susan: [seeing a shark swimming right in front of them] What kind sharks are those?

Daniel: Big ones.

Daniel: Other people go on vacation and spend their days just laying around. We have a story we're going to be telling for the rest of our lives.

Daniel: The only reason we are out here in the first place is because of your fucking job!

Susan: What?

Daniel: If it were not for your job, we would not have thrown our plans out the window, rushed around at the last minute and settled on this fucking trip! We would be at home, in the middle of our hectic lives, which right now sounds like heaven to me. And in a month's time, seven months ago, we would be where we were supposed to be in the first place, and paying less than we are now to be shark bait!

Susan: Was that a shark?

Daniel: I don't know. I think it was a dolphin.

Susan: No it wasn't a dolphin, because if it was you would be over there playing with it!

Susan: Daniel, where's the boat?

Daniel: That's a good question.

[looks around]

Daniel: I guess it's one of those.

Susan: You gotta be kidding me.

Daniel: It better be one of those.

Susan: Well which one do you think?

Daniel: I don't know.

Susan: Daniel, did you just pee?

Daniel: Yep.

Susan: You're disgusting.

Daniel: Hey, you said you were a little cold.

Daniel: This can't be happening!

Susan: I can't even believe you'd bring that up right now. You were the one who picked the dates.

Daniel: Oh yeah, of my whopping two choices - this was the better date.

[first lines]

Daniel: [on his cellphone] Hey Don. It's Daniel. Listen, don't put the boiler in until I get back. The framing inspection isn't for a couple of weeks, so we've got plenty of time. And I'll check in with you guys in a couple of days, OK? Take care. Bye.

Daniel: [Chasing Thunder with a rifle] They say cats have nine lives... lets find out

Foster Home Huko: He doesn't talk a lot. I don't think he's very smart.

Daniel: Well, I know a lot of smart people who are very quiet, and I know some people who talk too much even though they're not very smart.

Child #2: [to Huko] Yeah. You talk all the time.

Daniel: They have an afterworld of their own.

Father Laforgue: They have no concept of one.

Daniel: Annuka told me they believe that in the forest at night the dead can see. The souls of men hunt the souls of animals.

Father Laforgue: Is that what she told you? It is childish, Daniel.

Daniel: Is it harder to believe in than Paradise where we all sit on clouds and look at God?

Annuka: Is the Blackrobe a demon? He must be. Blackrobes never have sex with women.

Daniel: It's a promise they make to their God.

Annuka: Why make a promise like that?

Daniel: Strange, isn't it?

Annuka: A dream is real. It must be obeyed.

Father Laforgue: We will do as she asks. What can we say to people who think that dreams are the real world; this one is an illusion. Perhaps they're right.

Daniel: Farewell, Father Laforgue.

Father Laforgue: No farewells. Not in this land. And no greetings, no names. The forests speak. The dead talk at night. God bless you both.

[watching Laforgue write in his diary]

Chomina: Blackrobe, what you do?

Father Laforgue: I am making words.

Chomina: Making words? You not speak.

Father Laforgue: I will show you. Tell me something.

Chomina: Tell what?

Father Laforgue: Something I do not know.

Chomina: My woman's mother die in snow last winter.

[Laforgue writes it and shows the book to Daniel]

Daniel: It says Chomina's woman's mother died in snow last winter.

Father Laforgue: I have still other, greater things I can teach you.

Ougebmat: He is a demon!

Chomina: Tomorrow do not cry out.

Daniel: If we do cry out, will they stop (torturing us)?

Chomina: No, they will not stop. But if you cry out when you die, they will have your spirit.

[first lines]

Paul Gordon: Daniel. 'Fraid we can't reach the station tonight. The sun's going down. Tell the men to make camp.

Daniel: Yes, Bwana.

Daniel: [Upon entering Notre Dame Stadium] This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen!

Daniel: My son's going to Notre Dame!

Daniel: You're a Ruettiger! There's nothing in the world wrong with being a Ruettiger!

[deleted scene; Daniel and Sam are discussing Sam's true love]

Daniel: Option One: ask her out.

Sam: Impossible.

Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.

Sam: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.

Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.

Sam: It's a route I've considered.

Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...

Sam: Hygiene.

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?

Sam: You really want to know?

Daniel: I really want to know.

Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?

Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.

Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.

Daniel: Sorry?

Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?

Sam: No.

Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.

Sam: Why?

Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.

Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?

Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

Daniel: Tell her that you love her.

Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.

Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.

Sam: Okay, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Sam: There's this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna's in it. And I thought, maybe if I was in the band, and played absolutely superbly, there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?

Daniel: I think it's brilliant! I think it's stellar! Uh, apart from the one, obvious, tiny, little baby little hiccup...

Sam: That I don't play a musical instrument.

Daniel: Yessir.

Sam: A tiny, insignificant detail.

Daniel: So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it's someone at school, right?

Sam: Yeah.

Daniel: Aha, good, good. And what does she - he - feel about ya?

Sam: *She* doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she's heaven.

Daniel: Good. Good.

[sits on the couch next to Sam]

Daniel: Well...

[grins]

Daniel: Basically, you're fucked, aren't you?

Sam: By the way, I feel bad. I never asked you how your love life is going.

Daniel: [mock chuckles] No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.

Sam: Oh?

Daniel: No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room. Including yours.

Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.

Sam: There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.

[holds up one finger]

Sam: She's "the one".

Daniel: Fair enough.

Daniel: And her name's Joanna?

Sam: Yeah, I know, just like Mum. Spooky.

Daniel: Well, in one way then, we're in luck. At least we still have the god-like genius of Scott Walker.

[he puts Scott Walker's "Joanna" on the stereo, and they lip-sync to it]

Sam: Daniel, I have a plan!

Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me.

Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they?

Daniel: Uh-huh.

Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.

Daniel: That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!

Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever.

Daniel: She's going to say her final words, not through me, but inevitably, and ever so coolly... through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.

[at his wife's funeral]

Daniel: Jo and I had uh, a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her, uh, requests - for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral - I was confident she expected me to ignore.

[at his wife's funeral]

Daniel: When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine... "

[In the airport, Daniel, Carol, Sam, and Carol's son are waiting. Joanna appears at the gate]

Sam: There she is!

[he runs to her]

Joanna Anderson: Hi!

[Sam wants to kiss her, but holds back]

Sam: Hello.

Daniel: [watching] Agh! He should have kissed her...

Carol: No, that's cool.

Daniel: You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til it's over.

Daniel: [knocks on Sam's door] Sam, time for dinner.

Sam: I'm not hungry.

Daniel: Sam... I've done chicken kebabs!

Sam: Look at the sign on the door.

[he starts practising his drums; Daniel leans back and looks at the sign, which says, "I SAID - I'M NOT HUNGRY"]

Daniel: Right.

Daniel: I'm afraid that there's somethin' really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.

Karen: At the age of eleven?

Daniel: Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.

Daniel: We need Kate, and we need Leo. And we need them now. Come on.

[they go in and watch Titanic]

[a mugger tries to snatch Mrs. Doubtfire's purse]

Mrs. Doubtfire: [grabbing him] BACK OFF!, go on, BEAT IT!

Daniel: [startled, the mugger runs off]

Mrs. Doubtfire: [slipping back into character] Broke my bag, the bastard. Ooh!

Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?

Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.

Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?

Daniel: [German accent] Well, I do voices.

Daniel: [as evangelist] Yes!

Daniel: [as martian] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.

Daniel: [as Russian immigrant] Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.

Daniel: [as monster] I want you in the worst way.

Daniel: [as Groucho Marx] Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.

[as Chico Marx]

Daniel: Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.

Daniel: [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.

Daniel: [as a used-car salesman] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!

Daniel: [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.

Daniel: [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!

Daniel: [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it.

Daniel: [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog.

[leans back straight, trying to keep a straight face]

Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?

Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.

Daniel: Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?

Natalie: We're his damn kids too.

[Miranda gives Daniel a dirty look]

Daniel: [nervously] Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things.

Miranda: [sarcastically] Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old, Daniel?

Lydie: Freeze, or you're gonna get it.

Chris: In the balls.

Lydie: Yeah.

[pause]

Lydie: She's got 'em?

Chris: She's got everything.

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. I'm not... who you think I am.

Chris: Yeah, no shit.

Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.

Natalie: We're in the middle of "Charlotte's Web". Who's gonna finish it?

Daniel: Well, Grandma will finish it for you.

Natalie: [whispers] She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too.

Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.

[at the taping of a children's show]

Daniel: They should have a little disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad] I am job.

Miranda: Do you speak English?

Daniel: I am job.

Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.

[Hangs up]

Miranda: What a nightmare!

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.

[Takes a drink of scotch]

Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?

Daniel: Yeah?

Jonathan Lundy: Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?

Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.

Jonathan Lundy: Host?

Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.

[pause]

Daniel: Surprise!

Jonathan Lundy: Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?

Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?

Daniel: Uh-huh

Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?

Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.

Miranda: In a band?

Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?

Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.

Daniel: Wow!

Daniel: Could you make me a woman?

Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!

[hugs Daniel]

Daniel: I knew you'd understand.

Lydie: [Chris and Lydie are stunned upon finding out their father is Mrs. Doubtfire] Who did this?

Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack, and this is just a body suit, I didn't have any surgery.

Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?

Tony: Not exactly.

Daniel: What do I do?

Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?

Daniel: After you box them...?

Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.

Daniel: I think I made a friend.

Daniel: [Discussing the boring children's show] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for twenty-five years?

Jonathan Lundy: Me.

[introductions, ending with:]

Daniel: I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.

Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script; why did you add it?

Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou: What situation?

Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!

Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.

Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."

Daniel: [Yiddish accent] Oi, it was such a shandw! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel. It's so chewy.

Daniel: [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working.

Frank: You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress. And you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.

Daniel: God bless you.

Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.

Daniel: But look at this nice thing though we have here.

Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-sorus line!

[sings fanfare]

Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King.

[hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex]

Daniel: Hey thank you, I'ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!

[James Brown style]

Daniel: Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Now it's time for the Raptor rap.

[raps]

Daniel: Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil!

Daniel: Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great.

Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.

Daniel: Well, we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us.

Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.

Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Don't we?

Miranda: I want a divorce.

Daniel: [to the toy dinosaurs] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.

Chris: You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do you, Dad?

Daniel: [as Daniel] Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass!

Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.

Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.

Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.

Jack: Mmm-hmm.

Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.

Jack: Mmm.

Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?

Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.

Daniel: I got off early.

Lydie: You mean you got fired?

Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.

Lydie: Actors.

Daniel: [to Chris] Hey, dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you!

Chris: Ooh, a stripper?

Daniel: No, please!

Chris: Two strippers?

Daniel: Haw, boy!

Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!

Daniel: Well, it's voiceover. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better.

[as God]

Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke!

Lou: Actors.

Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?

[the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs]

Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.

Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.

Daniel: [imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.

Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen, buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.

Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou."

Daniel: [talking about his apartment] I was going kind of a refugee motif. You know, "fleeing my homeland" kind of thing. But look at you. This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. What's your Indian name, Shops With A Fist?

Miranda: Are my children ready yet?

Daniel: No, our children are not ready yet. Because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.

[Frank is on the phone with his mother. He covers the mouthpiece to speak to Daniel]

Frank: She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.

Daniel: No way!

Frank: [uncovers mouthpiece] He says he'll think about it, Ma.

Daniel: Newspaper? Are you taking one of those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B&D?

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a German accent] Yeah, my name is Elsa Emmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have.

Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.

Daniel: Oh, a boy... I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one.

Miranda: [hangs up] Yikes!

Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?

[Frank is making Daniel's woman costume]

Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.

Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?

Daniel: What's the difference?

Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

Daniel: What about Joan Collins?

Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.

Daniel: [shouting to Mrs. Sellner in the other room as he undresses from the Mrs. Doubtfire disguise] Oh, Mrs. Sellner! I just got out of the shower. I think you'll be very pleased with me. I've been through some really interesting changes and I'm becoming a new man and a model father...

[unhooks the bra]

Daniel: Yes I want to keep you abreast to some of the changes in my career.

[takes off bra]

Daniel: There have been two big developments.

[unzipping the body suit]

Daniel: I'm finally starting to come into my own. Things are really starting to take shape.

[pulling his arms out]

Daniel: And I'm blossoming, really I am!

[pulls the suit down off his chest]

Daniel: Things were hairy for awhile, but, oh, I'm in great shape now.

[the body suit is off]

Daniel: I'm my own man now. Oh, yes.

[pulls out fake teeth]

Daniel: A job I could really sink my teeth into. I'll be right there, Mrs. Sellner.

[pulls off wig and mask]

Daniel: I don't have the same face anymore, Mrs. Sellner.

Jonathan Lundy: [after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff] Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?

Daniel: Hey, it's the '90s!

Jonathan Lundy: Where the hell have you been? I took the liberty of ordering you another Scotch.

Daniel: Bully!

Daniel: [ad-libbing as Pudgy the Parrot] Oh, I will not do this! I cannot! Oh what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't wanna get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!

Lou: Alright, cut! Cut!

Daniel: Help me, help me!

Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script, why did you add it?

Daniel: Well I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou: What situation?

Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a had cigarette shoved right into his mouth, is morally irresponsible!

Lou: This is a cartoon, OK? This is not a frigging Oprah Winfrey special!

Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this TV show. It's like sending them each a pack of cigarettes and saying "Light up!".

Lydie: [deleted scene] Dad, why can't you just pretend?

Daniel: To be what, honey?

Lydie: Pretend to be Mrs. Doubtfire and pretend to be Pudgy the bird and all those other things. Why can't you and Mom just pretend to be happy?

Daniel: We probably could.

Lydie: And we'd still be a family.

Daniel: Yeah we would be, but we'd be a pretend family, you know? It wouldn't be real. You'd know, you'd know we'd be acting. You can't act 24 hours a day, I'm not that good an actor, today proved that. No, life's more real and wonderful and acting is nice, it's a job.

Lydie: It's your job to be our father.

Daniel: No it's not a job, it's a joy being your father, I don't have to play the part of your father, I am your father, I may act like a fool, but I am your father, okay? Always, rain, shine, it's the one wonderful thing in my life.

Miranda: [describes the benefits of having Mrs. Doubtfire] We're all doing so great.

Daniel: Ohh. Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.

[after Daniel has lost his mask]

Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Can I give you a hand?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear, I don't need a hand.

Daniel: [in his own Daniel] I need a face.

Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?

Daniel: Hmm?

Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing ladies' perfume?

Daniel: Yes, I am.

Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing lipstick?

Daniel: Yeah.

Jonathan Lundy: Why?

Daniel: It rubbed off.

Jonathan Lundy: From whom?

Daniel: [he pauses, trying to come up with an answer] Girl I used to date. She's a waitress.

Jonathan Lundy: A waitress? Here?

Daniel: Oh, yeah. On the way to the bathroom... couldn't keep her hands off me.

Jonathan Lundy: You dog.

Daniel: [sniggers] You scallywag!

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire telling Lydia and Chris about him as Mes. Doubtfire] Well now that you know, You can't tell mom, Because If she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass, OK? and you can't tell Natalie, cause she'll blow my cover.

Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.

Frank: You look like her mother.

Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Daniel: May I see the ad? Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father.

Miranda: Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see?

Daniel: Are you offering?

Miranda: Not any more.

Daniel: What's the change?

Daniel: [panicking while putting on a grey woman's wig and a bathrobe] Ah! Norman Bates!

[first lines]

Daniel: [as Grunge the Cat] Salutations, snack.

Miranda: Daniel, the kids need you.

Daniel: I need them.

Daniel: [after his mask gets run over] Oh crap!

Jason: [Referring to Mikey following news of his divorce] I don't know what we should do man.

Daniel: We need to get him a hooker.

Jason: No, I don't think so.

Daniel: Yeah, we'll use a coupon and get him a cheap hooker.

Jason: Dude, are you taking a shit in there?

Daniel: Absolutely not.

Jason: Every time you come over, you take a shit.

Daniel: No, I'm not taking a shit, I'm using a self-tanner!

Jason: Self-tanner?

Daniel: Yeah, I told that assistant in Vogue I couldn't hang out 'cause I was in Tulum. I'm trying to face her off my roster.

[he pauses briefly]

Daniel: Also, I am taking a shit.

Daniel: Yeah, everybody knows you can't call a girl a hooker. Even hookers hate being called hookers.

Mikey: Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?

Daniel: I do, why?

[Mikey walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel]

Mikey: Because I beat off with it last night.

Daniel: Why... why didn't you even read the bottle?

Mikey: I was a little drunk.

Jason, Daniel: What?

Mikey: My shit is orange.

[Mikey opens towel]

Jason: Oh!

Mikey: Look at this!

Daniel: Oh my God!

Jason: Oh no!

Daniel: Who knew that could even happen to you? I didn't know you could change colors.

Mikey: Stop.

Jason: Your dick looks like a yam.

Daniel: Your dick looks like a traffic cone.

Mikey: Just stop.

Daniel: Your dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles.

Mikey: That's fucked up.

Jason: Your dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game.

Daniel: If your dick was jumping over the river, it would be the General Lee.

[Takes a sip out of his mug and spits it out in a fit of laughter]

Jason, Daniel: [Both succumb to built up laughter]

Daniel: In high school I was voted "most likely to have the best eyes".

Daniel: They haven't spoken in a week. That's like a century in girl years.

Liv: [watching Emma dance with her brother]

Daniel: Let it happen on its own.

Liv: Did I make a huge mistake and marry someone smarter than me?

[they smile at each other and kisses]

Daniel: [looks into coffin] Who is this?

Undertaker: Pardon me?

Daniel: That's not my father.

Undertaker: [checking] Oh shit, we've taken the wrong one.

Daniel: My father was an exceptional man!

[pause]

Daniel: He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he loved us. All I wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off. Is that really so much to ask? So, maybe, maybe he had some things he liked to do. Life isn't simple, it's complicated. We're all just thrown in here together, in a world full of chaos and confusion, a world full of questions and no answers, death always lingering around the corner, and we do our best. We can only do our best, and my dad did his best. He always tried to tell me that you have to go for what you want in life because you never know how long you're going to be here. And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have tried. And apparently no one will guide you in the right direction, in the end you have to learn for yourself. You have to grow up yourself. So when you all leave here today, I would like you to remember my father for who he really was: a decent, loving man. If only we could be as giving and generous and as understanding as my father was. Then the world would be a far better place.

[repeated line]

Daniel: My father was an exceptional man...

[first lines]

Daniel: [giving instructions to the pallbearers] Just, uh, straight through there and to the left, please.

Margot: I'd like to make a date to kiss you.

Daniel: Well... my schedule's fairly flexible.

Margot: Is it flexible in 30 years?

Daniel: 30 years?

Margot: I'd like to see you at the lighthouse in Louisbourg. I'd like to meet you there. I'll be 58, I don't know how old you'll be...

Daniel: I'll be 59.

Margot: I'd like to see you there, on this date, at... 2PM. Eastern Standard time. August 5th, 2040, I'd like to kiss you. Until then, I'm married. But after 35 years of being faithful to my husband I think I'll have earned one kiss from you.

Margot: Sometimes I'm... walking along the street and a shaft of sunlight falls in a certain way across the pavement and I just wanna cry. And then a second later, it's over. I decide because I'm an adult, to not succumb to the momentary melancholy; And I thought that sometimes with Tony, she just had a moment like that. A moment of not known how or why, and she just let herself go into and there was nothing anyone could do to make it any better. It was just her and the fact of being alive, colliding.

Daniel: Or maybe you just didn't figure out what it was.

Daniel: I've been thinking about that airport fear of yours, of being in between things. I think I kinda hate it too. I know it's kind of the nature of being alive, but I'd like to avoid it wherever possible. I don't think I wanna be in between things

Margot: I'm married

Daniel: Oh. That's too bad.

[Gets out of the taxi]

Daniel: That's too bad cause I live right here.

Margot: Oh shit.

Milly: Which one is Ephraim and which is Daniel?

Ephraim, Daniel: Me.

Milly: Y'all live around here?

Caleb: Not round, here.

Daniel: But I do care about you. And so I will give you a divorce, gladly. Because call me old fashion, but when you love someone, I believe you should be unselfish enough to give them whatever they want. I'll be around later to pick up my things.

Daniel: If you can reach out and touch the horizon, you're at your journeys end.

Audrey: James Joyce?

Daniel: My Uncle Clive, but, equally profound, don't you think?

Daniel: I don't believe in divorce.

Audrey: But you're a divorce lawyer!

Daniel: It's a job.

Daniel: I told you darling, we don't need separate bedrooms. I don't mind you snoring.

Audrey: Are you taking your clothes off?

Daniel: Only the bottoms.

[arguing in court after having spent the night together]

Daniel: Are you suggesting that because the number is so large, your client is entitled to more than what was agreed upon in the pre-nup? Because that was not your position last night, assuming you remember last night's... position.

Daniel: Are you really 56?

Sara: Parts of me are.

[wakes in bed with Daniel, wearing a ring on her finger - gets out of bed]

Audrey: Oh, okay, okay, wake up, wake up.

Daniel: Morning.

Audrey: Wake up. Would you please look at your left hand, please?

Daniel: What?

Audrey: Please!

[sees the ring on his hand]

Daniel: Oh, would you look at that. Oh, you got one, too.

Audrey: Daniel, did we get married last night?

Daniel: Yes, I have a feeling we did. The details are still a little bit fuzzy but the bride was beautiful in her figure-hugging Sarena outfit and... you're not happy.

Audrey: Do I look happy?

Daniel: It's hard to say. I mean, because you never seem to be happy around me and...

Audrey: Oh, it's all coming back. We gotta find the guy who did this and tell him that we didn't mean it.

Daniel: But I did mean it.

Audrey: Of course you didn't, how could you? You don't want to be married to me!

Daniel: Can I say something?

Audrey: No, you can't!

Audrey: We're just going to have to file when we get back to New York, okay. It'll be like it never happened.

Daniel: But it did happen.

Audrey: Audrey Woods, I'm representing Mrs. Harrison.

Daniel: I've heard good things.

Daniel: Do you mind if I use the kitchen?

Sara: He cooks? You didn't tell me he cooks.

Daniel: Are you dating anyone?

Sara: Would you like a cocktail?

Daniel: Oh, yes, please, only if it's an extremely large one.

Audrey: [after giving Daniel a new tie] I thought you'd enjoy owning one without a stain.

Daniel: That's an interesting presumption.

Daniel: So... Romantic, no?

Audrey: No.

Daniel: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, unless you need to...

Adam: No. I did already... in the hallway.

Melody: [reading from a tombstone] "Fifty years' happiness." How long's fifty years?

Daniel: A hundred and fifty school terms, not including holidays.

Melody: Will you love me that long?

Daniel: [nods affirmative] Mmm-hmmm.

Melody: I don't think you will.

Daniel: Of course. I've loved you a whole week already, haven't I?

Daniel: I've got to dance with her.

Ornshaw: You're mad! What do you want to do that for? She'll only say "Buzz off." She's like that. This whole girl-nonsense is rubbish. Girls are a bunch of snot-nosed little so-and-so's.

Ornshaw: Some people are winners and some people are losers.

Daniel: Who says who's gonna be what?

Ornshaw: Don't ask me, that's all done before we get on this earth. I mean, it's him up there. He says, "You, you're gonna be red-hot at the triple jump, and you, you're gonna be bloody useless!"

Travis: I'm not crazy.

Daniel: I didn't say you were.

Travis: I was tested, ya know.

Daniel: Well then you obviously cheated.

Daniel: What are you doing?

Franklin: Driving into the back of a truck, Dan, you ever watch the A-Team?

Old Lady: What adorable children.

Daniel: You want'em? 'Cause I'll sell them to you real cheap.

Daniel: [about the ferris wheel] I'm not getting on that death trap.

Franklin: Oh we won that law suit.

Daniel: Huh?

Franklin: Okay we tied, but it's still safe. Come on, I'll show you how to operate it. It's so easy a trained monkey could do it and it did until that uproar with the Humane Society.

Daniel: Can't one of the neighbors drive the carpool? What about Mr. Kopek?

Mrs. Miller: He's 88.

Daniel: So he'll drive real slow.

Mrs. Miller: He's had three strokes.

Daniel: But never while driving.

Franklin: Uh oh. I dropped my wallet. I can't drive without a driver's license, you'll have to switch with me.

Daniel: I don't think that rule applies when committing a felony.

Franklin: Oh, right.

[They are listening to a heavy metal song]

Franklin: Great tape. This yours?

Daniel: Oh yeah, I got everything by the Screaming Idiots.

Franklin: This is the Ramones, actually, I haven't heard the Idiots yet, maybe you can turn me on to them.

[Andrew got an F on his spelling test]

Andrew: Mrs. Karkanie is giving me a do over. She says everyone get's a second chance.

Daniel: That's only because she's been married 5 times. Let me tell you something, sport, in the business world there are no second chances.

[location: in their van which is inside a refrigeration truck]

Andrew: It's freezing.

Franklin: Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.

Daniel: That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.

Franklin: In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?

Daniel: For God's sake, no I did not.

Franklin: How about you, Kayla?

Kayla: Girls don't fart.

Franklin: Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.

Franklin: Hey there, Dan, you're late.

Daniel: Well I didn't take our usual shortcut through the mall.

Daniel: Believe me, Hammerman's is better than mud.

Bucky: Is that gonna be your new Hammerman's slogan, Dad?

[Daniel races for the phone. Franklin stops him]

Franklin: No calls! That is, no obscene calls. He's trying to quit.

Daniel: I am not.

Franklin: Well you should! What's your phone number?

Daniel: 9-1-1.

Franklin: Very funny. Do realize if I get arrested you won't make your meeting because you'll be filling out police reports until next October.

Andrew: Look, Mr. Kopek's working in his yard.

Daniel: Yeah. Let this be a lesson to you kids, the world says that he's too old to drive a car but look at him, he's a vibrant, healthy old man who can do anything he put's his mind to.

Andrew: Dad, Mr. Kopek's not wearing his pants.

Daniel: Yeah so from now on you kids stay away from him okay?

Andrew: I want to be the hostage!

Kayla: How come I never get to be the hostage?

Travis: That's because you're a girl.

Bucky: Hey, girls can be hostages, too. I mean, we're moving toward the twenty-first century and girls can be whatever they want.

Kayla: Right on, sister.

Daniel: Ok, quiet down or nobody gets to be the hostage!

Bucky: Well, that made sense, dad.

Wallace Wooley: I'm afraid you've got a hangover.

Daniel: Don't tell me what I've got! I invented the hangover. It was in 1892... B.C.

Daniel: Goodbye, Jennifer, be a bad girl.

Daniel: [(sings)] For tonight I merry merry be / Tomorrow I'll be sober.

Daniel: Pistol, pistol, let there be/Murder in the first degree

Daniel: I'm still interested in perversity. But nothing like that kind of chick.

Daniel: The more girls a guy has, the more he's suspect. The important thing is not to be liked. It flatters me. It's nice not to be in her collection.

Daniel: Screw her, old man!

Haydée: I found a definition for Haydée. She's a collector! Haydée, if you sleep around without premeditation you are the lowest of the low. The atrocious ingenue. But, if you collect in a consistent way, with obstinacy, it's a plot, things are entirely different.

Daniel: Yes, but she collects badly.

Haydée: I'm not a collector.

Adrien: Don't say that. It's your only quality.

Haydée: You're completely wrong. I'm searching. I'm searching to find something.

Martha: I've heard you British guys are all gentleman. You are British aren't you?

Daniel: English actually.

Daniel: [to Martha] You are coming to London because it's 99 dollars?

Daniel: Really Frank, if you can't afford it stay at home. It really is embarrassing.

[Making up after their fist fight]

Frank: This is what women feel like when they give birth.

Daniel: Yeah, except my hand kind of hurts.

Daniel: And one of the rooms they called it the library and they filled it full of books. Thousands of books on every subject and they're all second-hand. You know why?

Martha: It was cheaper?

Daniel: No. It's so it looks like they've been read.

Daniel: [of his professionally decorated flat] I have the home of a widely-read, widely-travelled, deeply interesting man with taste.

Martha: And that's not you.

Daniel: No.

Martha: [raising an eyebrow] Not even the interesting bit?

Charlie: Can I borrow the boat?

Daniel: I'd rather lend you my wife!

Daniel: Charlie... what'd ya do forget your swimsuit?

Charlie: Oh I was hopin' we could all go skinny dipping.

Charlie: I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get out on the ocean, smell the salt and the waves and the...fish.

Celia Amonte: Did you, uh, grow up near the ocean?

Charlie: Well, on it, really. My dad was a tug, tug...boat...pilot. Captain.

Celia Amonte: Oh.

Charlie: Tug boat captain.

Daniel: [aside] Your dad was a drunken liar.

Daniel: Just when I thought you were a cool guy.

Vincent: I am a cool guy, with a job I contracted to do.

Daniel: I mean, everybody and their momma knew you don't just come up and talk to Miles Davis. I mean, he may have looked like he was chilling, but he was absorbed. This one hip couple, one of them tried to shake his hand one day. And the guy says, "Hi, my name is..." Miles said, "Get the fuck outta my face, you jive motherfucker, and take your silly bitch with you."

Daniel: She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. So I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?

Lara: How far can bullets go?

Daniel: They go pretty far but they usually get stuck in something and stop.

Lara: What if they don't?

Daniel: Are you thinking about that bullet that came through your window?

Lara: I heard a bang.

Daniel: What, like a truck bang?

Lara: Like a gun.

Lara: Daddy!

Daniel: Honey, stay inside!

Jean: How much longer are you going to be?

Daniel: Not. This is the last one.

Jean: Thank you.

Daniel: Who the fuck is this?

Daniel: I'd give my life for you.

Kyril: I'd give your life for me too.

Job Centre Floor Manager: There's a special number if you've been diagnosed as dyslexic.

Daniel: Right, can you give us that 'coz with computers, I'm dyslexic.

Job Centre Floor Manager: You'll find it online sir.

Daniel: It's a monumental farce, isn't it? You sitting there with your friendly name tag on your chest, Ann, opposite a sick man looking for nonexistent jobs, that I can't take anyway. Wasting my time, employers' time, your time. And all it does is humiliate me, grind me down. Or is that the point, to get my name off those computers? Well, I'm not doing it any more. I've had enough. I want my date for my appointment for my appeal for Employment and Support.

Ann: Please listen to me, Dan. It's a huge decision to come off JSA without any other income coming in. Look, it... It could be weeks before your appeal comes through. You see, there's no time limit for a mandatory reconsideration. I've got a time limit. And you might not win. Please, just keep signing on. Get somebody to help you with the online job searches. Otherwise, you could lose everything. Please don't do this. I've seen it before. Good people, honest people, on the street.

Daniel: Thank you, Ann. But when you lose your self-respect, you're done for.

Daniel: Listen, I've had a major heart attack. I nearly fell off the scaffolding. I wanna get back to work, too. Now, please, can we talk about me heart? Forget about me arse, that works a dream.

Daniel: Was I a soldier? Oh, more dangerous than that. I was a carpenter.

Daniel: She was special. Yeah, she was special, Daisy. Not easy. She was up one minute, down the next. Smart and funny. Huh. Ah, that lass made me laugh. Kind. She had a big, big heart. But... She said her head was like the ocean. Dead still, then wild. Never knew where she'd end up next. I mean, the music helped that. But then she'd hit the rocks. "Where'll we sail to tonight, Dan?" That was our little joke. Her last words to me were, "I wanna sail away, Dan, with the wind at me back."That's all I need, Dan."

Daniel: Hello?

Harry Edwards: Hi, is that Daniel?

Daniel: Yes, it is. Hi.

Harry Edwards: Hi, Daniel, it's Harry Edwards here. We spoke the other day at the garden centre...

Daniel: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Harry Edwards: ...when you came down and handed your CV. How are you doing, mate? Are you all right?

Daniel: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, thanks, yeah.

Harry Edwards: Er, listen. I tell you what, mate, I've been going through all the CVs I've had handed over the last couple of weeks. And I really like the look of yours. Erm, you've got the experience I'm looking for. I was wondering if you could possibly, er, pop by tomorrow and that for an interview?

Daniel: Oh... I'm really sorry, er, Mr. Edwards, but, you know, er, my doctor's told us I cannot come back to work yet.

Harry Edwards: So you're not actually looking for work, then?

Daniel: Well, it's hard to explain, you know.

Harry Edwards: So, well, what's the point of handing in your CV if you're not looking for work?

Daniel: Well it's the only way I can get me benefits, you know?

Harry Edwards: Benefits? So you prefer to be on benefits than do a day's graft? You know, I thought you were a genuine bloke. You know, I've spent a lot of time going through them all. I've... I was gonna put some graft your way. You've just wasted my time completely. Why don't you just sod right off!

[hangs up the phone]

Daniel: Listen, that's not...

China: Dan, they'll f@ck you around, I'm warning you. Make it as miserable as possible. No accident. That's the plan. I know dozens who have just given up.

Daniel: Well, they've picked the wrong one if they think I'm gonna give up. I'm like a dog with a bone, me, son.

Daniel: We should all be drinking a lot more bloody coffee.

Katie: I can't cope, Dan. I feel like I'm going under.

Daniel: Look, you'll get through this, darling.

Daniel: I'll be back around two, okay, hon?

Valeria: If you never come back it's okay too, bastard.

Daniel: Do you ever feel lost?

Claire Cooper: I invented it. It's mine.

Daniel: Are you Nat Cooper?

Nat Cooper: It's the dead guy!

[Felix runs in to the hallway, and also sees Daniel]

Felix: It's the dead guy!

Daniel: And set your brakes.

Nat Cooper: Right.

Daniel: No, don't say, 'right' - - say, 'check'. 'Right' gets confusing. 'Check'.

Nat Cooper: Check.

Daniel: Right.

[Nat looks sideways at Daniel with a slightly exasperated "Are you giving me a hard time?" expression]

Daniel: [climbing out of the wrecked airplane] If she comes with a warranty, I'll take her!

Harry Finley: [as they walk away from the wrecked airplane] Danny, please - - don't work for the airlines, okay?

Daniel: Bet you thought I wasn't gonna pull up, didn't you?

Harry Finley: Well, that thought crossed my mind.

Daniel: Oh, it crossed MY mind, too, I can tell you.

Dániel: [Last Lines] Let us give them a little time yet.

Dániel: It's difficult to lose someone you love. But things do not turn always as you want.

Dániel: My ex-wife no longer lives here, his dog and his things neither.

[last lines]

Daniel: When you're at school and you want to quit, people say 'You're going to hate it out in the world.' Well, I didn't believe them and I was right. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be grown up, and they said 'Childhood is the best time of your life.' Well, it wasn't. And now, I want his company and they say, 'What's half a loaf? You're well shot of him'; and I say 'I know that... but I miss him, that's all' and they say 'He never made you happy' and I say 'But I am happy, apart from missing him. You might throw me a pill or two for my cough.'

[pauses, smiles]

Daniel: All my life, I've been looking for somebody courageous, resourceful.

[pause, thinks]

Daniel: He's not it... but something. We were something.

[pause]

Daniel: I only came about my cough.

Aunt Astrid: Daniel, darling. You're looking very spruce.

[intercepts a canapé]

Aunt Astrid: Have one of these. Now, tell me when are *you* going to give us all a nice surprise?

Daniel: [baffled] Auntie...

Aunt Astrid: Still holding out on us... well, it's terribly selfish of you. You *are* going to be very, very lonely...

Daniel: I just haven't found the right person yet.

Daniel: I always expect Saturday to be the best day of the week.

Daniel: I think we ought to lose some weight.

Middle-aged patient: Why do doctors always say we? As if it were *your* pain!

Daniel: What's it like to be white?

Mr. Watts: You mean what's it like to be white, or what's it like to be white here?

Matilda Naimo: Both.

Mr. Watts: A bit like what the last mammoth must have felt, I suppose. It's lonely, at times. I don't know. What's it like being black?

Daniel: Normal.

Matilda Naimo: We only feel black around white people.

Mr. Watts: Yes, well, I'd say the same is true for me.

Daniel: What do you think, can we get a rain check for martyrdom?

Bryan Bedford: [pointing toward Ed Collins] Well, tell me something, Daniel could that man be Santa Claus?

Daniel: Nope.

Bryan Bedford: Why not?

Daniel: 'Cause Santa don't got a grumpy face.

[to Judge Harper, after testifying in court]

Daniel: Do I have to go to jail now?

Daniel: Master.

Dr. Gustav Niemann: Yes?

Daniel: Now that I have helped you with Strauss and Ullman, will you give Talbot's body to me?

Dr. Gustav Niemann: What?

Daniel: He's big. He's strong.

Dr. Gustav Niemann: Talbot's body is the perfect place for the monster's brain that I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.

Daniel: Master, you made me a promise.

Dr. Gustav Niemann: No! You think I'd wreck the work of a lifetime because you're in love with a, a Gypsy girl?

Daniel: I've killed four men for you!

Dr. Gustav Niemann: Do as I say or I'll never help you.

Daniel: Could Frankenstein have made me like other men?

Dr. Gustav Niemann: He gave life to a body that he made from parts of other bodies that had died. Yes, Daniel, he could have made you like other men.

Daniel: Even a man who's pure in heart and says his prayers by night...

Ilonka: ...will become a werewolf when the wolf bane blooms and the moon is full and bright.

Miss Tanner: Enough. Enough! Do you know what's happened? Do you know?

Daniel: What is it?

Miss Tanner: Your lousy, disgusting dog has bitten Albert! He took a piece out of Albert's arm.

Daniel: What?

Miss Tanner: Did you all hear that? That miserable dog tried to mutilate a child. Madame Blanc had to rush Albert to a first aid center to have stitches put in!

Daniel: That's impossible.

Miss Tanner: Let's go to the first aid center. Even if you can't see the blood, at least you can hear that poor child's crying!

Daniel: That's enough now! My dog is a peaceful, faithful animal. He's never hurt anyone. The boy must have done something to him first.

Miss Tanner: Oh, the poor little animal! The poor little puppy! If I ever see him within a mile of this school again, I'll have him put to death!

Daniel: Stop it! I won't allow such talk, you understand?

Miss Tanner: *You* won't allow it? Then get out, you and your dog! Get moving!

Daniel: You bitch!

Miss Tanner: Out!

Daniel: I'm going. I'm going! But try to understand that I'm blind, not deaf. Get it? Huh? Not deaf. Not deaf, you understand that? You understand? Ahh, fresh air! Let me out of this goddamned place!

Miss Tanner: Get out. Get out of here. Good riddance!

Daniel: My Dad's a... he's a real hard ass. You know, he's probably got half the city out looking for me, just so he can kick my ass for disappearing on him.

Amanda: ...yeah, probably.

Daniel: My dad's a... he's a real hard ass...

Daniel: Amanda, you said you survived this right?

Amanda: I what?

Daniel: This guy. You said that you've played before and you survived.

Amanda: Yeah.

Daniel: So that means we could survive.

[nervously chuckles]

Amanda: [pauses] Yeah.

Daniel: Amanda, why did he pick you?

Amanda: Because I was a fucking junkie.

[flashes to Amanda shooting heroin]

Amanda: But you know what? I passed his little test

[laughs]

Daniel: If you passed his test then why are you back here?

Amanda: [flashes to Amanda cutting her wrist] I wasn't being very good to myself.

Daniel: [looks at the scars on Amanda's arm] How long have you, um...?

Amanda: I started in jail.

Daniel: What were you arrested for?

Amanda: [yanks her arm away] Possession.

Daniel: I thought you said...

Amanda: Maybe you should talk to the cop who arrested me.

Laura: X marks the spot.

[points to the wall]

Amanda: What?

Addison: [looking at a picture of Daniel next to Eric] What are you doing with him?

Daniel: You know him?

Addison: Yeah! He's the guy who put me away. He set me up!

Amanda: Tell me that's not your father.

Addison: [pause] I can't trust any of you.

Addison: Somebody open the fucking door!

Xavier: I don't think anybody is listening. Man, what the fuck is this?

Laura: Somebody's listening.

[points to a camera mounted on the wall]

Daniel: No. Those types of cameras don't have sound.

Daniel: [holding a notebook and a picture] Guys, guys, look at this. This is the guy that attacked Claire on the balcony. It says they were violent, mentally, physically deformed, and, uh, showed signs of cannibalism.

Bridget: How did they survive out here?

Kyle: They're hunters, and now they're hunting us! They'll eat anything; fuck, they probably turned Porter into a porterhouse by now!

[first lines]

Daniel: [documenting behind the camera] You'll be spending a lot of time in here. This is gonna be your room. There's some kind of animal being de-liced or something. Compression chamber, that's your crib. It's hermetically sealed. And this is your paint color. What color is that, hon?

Adult Kristi: Jamaica bay blue.

[after Warren and Jonathan scare the group]

Daniel: I knew it was you guys all along.

Jonathan: Oh come on Dan you were more freaked out than the girls.

Daniel: I just wasn't sure it was you.

Jonathan: So you peed your pants to play it safe, huh?

Daniel: There's no... there's no hope. There's only God's will.

Daniel: I've always loved hide-and-shriek!

Daniel: What do you do for a living?

Warner Dax: That's a very American way to qualify a person's value.

Warner Dax: It's too late. I've lived this selfish life, Daniel.

Daniel: You said I might be like you, but I'm not. I need my family.

Warner Dax: Good, because there's something worse than loosing them. Not being able to remember them.

Daniel: Emma.

Emma: What?

Daniel: I'm worried about you. Can we just go home? We can catch a flight out of Shannon tomorrow.

Emma: I'm not leaving until I find out what happened to Kerry.

Emma: I see you met my fiancé.

Joseph: He's a keeper. Don't let him get away.

Emma: Huh. What have you two been talking about?

Joseph, Daniel: Nothing.

Joseph: [as Emma and Daniel prepare to leave] So, are you two traveling around Ireland or are you going straight back to the States?

Daniel: No, we're gonna spend the night in Dublin and then fly out in the morning.

Joseph: I have to admit, I'm gonna miss you, girl. You made life around the village interesting.

Daniel: So, this is like our lesbian moment, right?

Rusty: Oh, definitely. Yeah. Get the U-haul.