Damian Claus Quotes in The Hebrew Hammer (2003)

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Let's dance the hora.

Damian Claus: You're a hora!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Wait, wait hold on a sec. I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. I'm now going to resort to the most dangerous, deadly weapon in the Jewish arsenal.

[briefly meditates, then continues in a nasal voice]

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: What, I shlep all the way up here for this? I come all the way to the North Pole to fight you; you don't put out anything to nosh on?

Damian Claus: You're hungry?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: I mean, seriously, what kind of arch-nemesis are you?

Damian Claus: Sorry, I wasn't thinking I guess. Oh! Oh, no, you don't! You're not going to pull Jewish-guilt crap on me, I'm a lot stronger than that, Mordechai.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Okay, forget it. Never mind.

Damian Claus: What?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: No, nothing.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Tell me, what?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Well, I mean, I don't know what kind of host it is that treats their company this way. Esther is clearly unhappy with the guest room you've provided her with. I'm shvitzing from running around all over the place shooting people.

Damian Claus: Stop this!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: What kind of flooring is this, anyway? My feet are killing me! Not to mention, I don't get a proper hello when I come in.

[he continues and horns blow]

Damian Claus: Please stop. Just take my gun!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: No.

Damian Claus: Take the gun!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Forget about it.

Damian Claus: I insist on you taking the gun!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: Okay.

Damian Claus: [points to his temple] Put a bullet right here! Take me out of my misery, please!

Damian Claus: [trying to distract Mordechai] OH, LOOK! A bowl of matzoh-ball soup!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver: [looks away] Yum.

[Damian runs]

Damian Claus: You numb-nutted, gimpy little bitch!

Damian Claus: [shouts] Watch it with the fucking cane!