Damian Quotes in Self/less (2015)

Damian: It's metastasized. Liver and lungs. This morning the oncologist was talking about hospice care.

Martin: I'm sorry.

Damian: Don't be. What you and Judith went through, losing a child, that's a tragedy. An old man dying... I'm supposed to say, "That's life."

Damian: What's that?

Nurse: Something to stop your heart.

Damian: What?

Nurse: Something to stop your heart!

Damian: You say I'm the reason you got into this business? Now I'm the reason you're out.

Carl: You son of a bitch! Who gives a shit! You're gonna be dead in a year, And then who gives a shit!

[stomps off]

Damian: He's wrong. I won't last six months. It's metastasized. Liver and lungs. This morning the oncologist was talking about hospice care.

Albright: You've built en empire from the ground up. People will insist that your buildings make you immortal. Now, as you slip away, do you feel immortal? We offer humanity's greatest minds more time to fulfill their potential. Designed to offer you the very best of the human experience.

Damian: It's alive?

Albright: An empty vessel.

Damian: Call me an ambulance.

Bobby: What? For my Dog bites? Nah, I'll be fine.

Cady: Oh, god.

Janis: You dirty little liar!

Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain.

Janis: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?

Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.

Cady: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be plastic.

Janis: Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.

Damian: Curfew, 1:00 AM, it is now 1:10.

Janis: Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?

Cady: You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge!

Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean! You try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"

Cady: You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!

Janis: What?

Damian: Oh, no, she did not!

Janis: See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.

[Damian drives away with Janis, yelling out the window]

Damian: And I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!

Crying Girl: [reading from paper] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...

[about to cry]

Damian: [shouting from back] She doesn't even go here!

Ms. Norbury: Do you even go to this school?

Crying Girl: No... I just have a lot of feelings...

Ms. Norbury: Ok go home...

[girl walks off stage]

Ms. Norbury: Next!

Damian: [delivering candy canes] Taylor Zimmermann, two for you. Glenn Coco? FOUR for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco. And uh... "Caddy" Heron. Do we have a "Caddy" Heron here?

Cady: It's Cady.

Damian: Oh Cady, here you go, one for you... And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.

Damian: [reading the entry on himself from the Burn Book] "Too gay to function?"

Janis: That's only okay when *I* say it!

Damian: [reading Cady's class schedule] Health, Spanish... you're taking 12th Grade Calculus?

Cady: Yeah, I like math.

Damian: Eww. Why?

Cady: Because it's the same in every country.

Damian: That's beautiful.

[to Janis]

Damian: This girl is deep.

[Damien is in the Girl's Bathroom]

Short Girl: Hey, get out of here.

Damian: Oh my God - Danny DeVito! I love your work!

Janis: That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.

Damian: She asked me how to spell orange.

[Cady snickers]

Janis: That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners.

Damian: She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels.

Janis: Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.

Damian: That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.

Janis: And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.

Damian: She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.

Ms. Norbury: [after implying that an elderly biker is her boyfriend] I'm kidding. Sometimes older people make jokes too.

Damian: My grandma takes her wig off when she's drunk.

Ms. Norbury: Your grandmother and I have that in common.

Joan the Secretary: And finally, the nominees for 'Spring Fling Queen'! Regina George...

[class applauds]

Joan the Secretary: Gretchen Weiners.

[class applauds and Gretchen responds breathlessly]

Joan the Secretary: Janis Ian.

[class applauds]

Regina: [confused] What is happening to the world?

Janis: Damien!

[Janis shoves Damien]

Damian: I couldn't help myself!

Joan the Secretary: And finally, Cady Heron!

[class applauds]

Cady: Damien? You put me in there, too? That's not part of the plan!

Damian: I didn't put you in there...

Cady: [surprised] You mean I'm really nominated?

Janis: Why didn't they just keep home schooling you?

Cady: They wanted me to get socialized.

Damian: Oh, you'll get socialized all right, a little slice like you.

Cady: What are you talking about?

Janis: You're a regulation hottie.

Cady: What?

Damian: Own it.

Damian: She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

Janis: Who cares?

Damian: I care. Every year the seniors through this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care.

Janis: Wow, Damian, you've truely out-gayed yourself.

[Cady laughs]

[last lines]

Cady: [voiceover] Finally, Girl World was at peace.

Damian: Hey, check it out. Junior Plastics.

Cady: [voiceover] And if any freshmen tried to disturb that peace, well, let's just say we knew how to take care of it.

[Imagines Junior Plastics being hit by a bus]

Cady: [voiceover] Just kidding.

Damian: Oh, my God! I love this song!

Janis: I hate this song.

Cady: I *know* this song!

Cady: What do we even talk about?

Janis: [shrugs shoulders] Hair products!

Damian: [interrupts] Ashton Kutcher.

Cady: Is that a band?

[reading a printed page from the Burn Book]

Damian: Janis Ian - Dyke.

Janis: Oh, that's original.

[reading about himself]

Damian: "Too gay to function?"

Janis: Hey, that's only ok when I say it.

Damian: My nanna takes her wig off when she is drunk.

Ms. Norbury: Your nanna and I have that in common.

Damian: She doesn't even go here!

Damian: [escorting Cady down the hall] Watch out please! Fresh meat coming through!

Damian: You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide!

Ms. Norbury: Thanks, Damian.

Janis: We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock on Regina's whole dirty history.

Damian: Say crack again.

Janis: Crack.

Damian: Good news, they didn't get run over... Bad news, they're still flat.

Damian: She's fabulous, but she's evil.

Skipper: [after giving Damian a long list of tasks to do] Damian, be a dear and get me a coffee.

Damian: [off-camera] I'm only ONE person.

Diana: Five minutes with you, and I just feel like my life is a figment of my imagination.

Damian: I know.

Diana: No, you don't know. No, you don't know. You've just always been this fucking thing that swallows me.