Dale Doback Quotes in Step Brothers (2008)


Dale Doback Quotes:

  • Dale Doback: Why are you so sweaty?

    Brennan Huff: I was watching Cops.

  • Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!

    Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!

    Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!

  • Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

    Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!

  • Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, " Oh, my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf," and she grabs me by the weiner.

    Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!

  • Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.

    Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just figure it out.

    Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting?

    Dale Doback: No.

    Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.

    Dale Doback: Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...

  • [Dale and Brennan are in beds next to each other]

    Dale Doback: [whispering] Hey, you awake?

    Brennan Huff: [also whispering] Yeah.

    Dale Doback: I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad.

    Brennan Huff: Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass.

    Dale Doback: Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.

    Brennan Huff: Who's the retard?

    Dale Doback: You.

    Brennan Huff: [raising his voice] Hey ya'll don't say that!

    Dale Doback: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.

    Brennan Huff: Just shut up!

    Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

    Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!

    Dale Doback: [Dale turns his face to Brennan] Oh yeah?

    Brennan Huff: [Brennan turns his face to Dale] Yeah.

    Dale Doback: I'm a curly-headed fuck?

    Brennan Huff: Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face.

    Dale Doback: I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs.

    Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.

    [Dale turns away from Brennan]

    Dale Doback: I want you out of my fucking house!

    Brennan Huff: No way Kimosabe. This is my house now.

  • Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

    Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.

  • Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.

    Dale DobackBrennan Huff: Velociraptor.

    Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.

    Dale DobackBrennan Huff: Good Housekeeping.

    Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?

    Dale DobackBrennan Huff: John Stamos.

    Dale Doback: [stomps foot] What?

    Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends?

    Dale Doback: Yep!

    [they high five each other]

    Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage?

    Dale Doback: Yep!

  • Dale Doback: I'm just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.

    Dr. Robert Doback: Dale, I think it's time for a change. For both of us.

    Dale Doback: Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.

    [brief pause]

    Dr. Robert Doback: We literally have never done any of those things.

  • Dale Doback: [after hearing Brennan sing] You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

  • Dale Doback: [as they are called back into the office for their first interview] We're here to fuck shit up!

  • Nancy Huff: You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.

    Brennan Huff: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on."

    Dale Doback: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!

    Brennan Huff: Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?

    Dale Doback: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.

  • Sporting Goods Manager: [after Dale finishes his very prolonged fart] Was that a fart?

    Dale Doback: I don't know.

    Sporting Goods Manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.

    Dale Doback: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

    Sporting Goods Manager: Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup.

    Sporting Goods Manager: It stinks. And this is a small room.

    Brennan Huff: Shit.

    Sporting Goods Manager: Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.

  • Dale Doback: Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?

    Brennan Huff: [Brennan nods his head]

    Brennan Huff: Nope.

    Dale Doback: It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset.

    Brennan Huff: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em.

    Dale Doback: [Dale throws Brennan's feet off the couch]

    Brennan Huff: Hey!

    Dale Doback: [angrily] Did you touch my drumset?

    Brennan Huff: Hey, knock it off!

    Dale Doback: I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it.

    Brennan Huff: Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.

    Dale Doback: Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it.

    Brennan Huff: Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!

    Dale Doback: You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!

    Brennan Huff: I don't have to swear to shit!

    Dale Doback: That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset! 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00!

    Brennan Huff: [Brennan begins to leave the room]

    Dale Doback: Where you going?

    Brennan Huff: I'm going upstairs... 'cause I'm gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay?

    [Brennan continues to walk upstairs towards his drumset]

    Dale Doback: If you do that - I'm warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!

  • Brennan Huff: I remember my first beer.

    Dale Doback: That's so funny the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

  • Dale Doback: [while Brennan is singing] Boats and hoes!

  • Dale Doback: Brennan you're alive! Oh my God!

    Brennan Huff: I know. I'm alive.

    Dale Doback: You were dead. I saw you die.

    Brennan Huff: I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.

  • Dale Doback: [referring to him and Brennan geting beat up by kids, while crying] You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.

  • Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.

    Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

  • Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market.

    Dale Doback: Where are we moving?

    Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted?

    Dr. Robert Doback: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream.

    Dale Doback: Well what about us?

    Nancy Huff: I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives.

    Dr. Robert Doback: And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment.

    Dale Doback: What's this all about?

    Nancy Huff: Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well.

    Dr. Robert Doback: You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable.

    Brennan Huff: Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?

    [Robert nods]


  • Nancy Huff: [Brennan and Dale are sleeping, Nancy walks in to wake them up] Guys. Guys. Guys!

    Brennan Huff: [Both guys wake up and quote last line from their dreams] I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.

    Dale Doback: The clown has no penis.

    Nancy Huff: What kind of dreams are you guys having? Hey, it's 12:30. Brennan, your brother's coming today, so you might want to get up.

    Brennan Huff: Today?

    Nancy Huff: Yep.

    Brennan Huff: Shit.

    Dale Doback: What's your problem?

    Brennan Huff: My little brother is even a bigger asshole than you are.

  • Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!

  • Dale Doback: The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.

  • Dale Doback: Boats and hoes!

  • Dale Doback: Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?

    Brennan Huff: 'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword. And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?

    Dale Doback: I would've done the exact same thing.

  • Brennan Huff: Your drumset's a whore! I tea bagged your drumset!

    Dale Doback: My drumset's a guy so it makes you gay, you fucker!

  • Brennan Huff: [while burying Dale alive] Now I'm gonna play your drumset! Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you...

    [after burying Dale]

    Brennan Huff: This is your fault. Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight...

    [Brennan walks away]

    Dale Doback: [climbs out of the dirt and lunges at Brennan]


    Dale Doback: DON'T YOU TOUCH MY DRUMS!

    Brennan Huff: [screams] Zombie! ZOMBIE! Get off me, zombie!

  • Brennan HuffDale Doback: Chewbacca masks!

    [Growling, cheering and high-fiving. One mask is made with artificial fur, and the other is only molded rubber]

    Dale Doback: Chewbacca!

    Brennan Huff: It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

  • Dale Doback: Look, we can bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys going to invest or not?

    Dr. Robert Doback: That's it!

  • Brennan Huff: I have a green belt... read it and weep.

    Dale Doback: I don't believe in belts.

  • Dale Doback: Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week.

  • Dale Doback: [after knocking Brennen unconscious and dragging him across the lawn rolled up in a carpet] This is just like Cold Case files! This is just like Cold Case files! This is just like Cold Case files!

  • Dale Doback: Hey. Are you awake?

    Brennan Huff: Yeah.

    Dale Doback: I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house.

    Brennan Huff: I know. I feel bad.

    Dale Doback: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.

    Brennan Huff: Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.

    Dale Doback: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.

    Brennan Huff: Yeah.

    Dale Doback: But I can't imagine how you feel after my dad looked right at you and said it's all your fault that they broke up.

    Brennan Huff: That's funny, because my mom said: "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here everything would be perfect."

    Dale Doback: You take that back.

    Brennan Huff: No way. It's your fault.

    Dale Doback: You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land. You refuse to get a joband you don't know what it's like to work for something.

    Brennan Huff: You don't take responsibility for your actions. This is all your fault!

    Dale Doback: Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public!

    Dale Doback: [Brennan leaves the bedroom angrily] Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy, because you know it's true. Just avoid everything. What are you doing?

    [Brennen is heard in the next room banging on the drums and chanting]

    Brennan Huff: Dale broke up Mom and Dad

    Dale Doback: Motherfucker!

    [Dale rushes into his office]

    Brennan Huff: Dale broke up Mom and Dad Dale broke up Mom and Dad

    [Dale picks up a cymbal and hits Brennan over the head with it. Brennan falls]

    Dale Doback: Brennan! Get up, Brennan, I know you're faking. Get up! Get up! Brennan?

  • Derek: [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer] What's up, faggots?

    [to Brennan]

    Derek: What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?

    Brennan Huff: [faintly] Hi, Derek.

    Derek: Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here...

    Dale Doback: What is your problem, man?

    Derek: My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year!


    Derek: How much did you make?

    Dale Doback: [shrugs] It's not about money...

    Derek: No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...


    Derek: And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out!

    [Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs]

    Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!

  • Dr. Robert Doback: [at his wedding ceremony] I would like to thank all of you... for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day! And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms!

    Dale Doback: [abruptly gets up out of his chair and throws his plate, rolling his eyes] UGH! Get a room, Dad!

    Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale walks out] Oh for chris- Dale!

  • Dale Doback: Hey Brenden

    Brennan Huff: Good to see ya Dale.

    Dale Doback: Thanks for hiring our catering company.

    Brennan Huff: Easy decision. You guys have an outstanding track record.

    Dale Doback: [looks around and sighs] This is like old times huh?

    Brennan Huff: Ah, it really is!

    Brennan Huff: You still have your night vision goggles?

    Dale Doback: No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance... How about you? You still kickin' boards or breakin' holes in pumpkins or anything?

    Brennan Huff: No... but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack.

    Dale Doback: That makes sense. You gotta keep an eye on it.

    Brennan Huff: You really do.

    Dale Doback: Gotta knock off the sweets!


    Brennan Huff: Thank you!

    [laughs as well]

    Brennan Huff: That's a tr- that's a truly funny observation!

    Dale Doback: [finishes laughing] Yeah.

  • Dale Doback: We're in the bathroom!

    Alice: This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.

    [suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall]

    Dale Doback: It's all slippery!

  • Dale Doback: [Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive!

    Brennan Huff: You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!

  • Dr. Robert Doback: You have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go!

    Dale Doback: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.

    Dr. Robert Doback: I'm not buying that crap anymore!

  • Dr. Robert Doback: I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you.

    Dale Doback: Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Fuck you!

  • Dale Doback: Hey, can I ask you something?

    Brennan Huff: Yeah.

    Dale Doback: You know back when you first moved in?

    Brennan Huff: Yeah.

    Dale Doback: Did you touch my drumset?

    Brennan Huff: No, I didn't.

    Dale Doback: No, really, I won't get mad I just want to know.

    Brennan Huff: No I know. You said you wouldn't get mad. I'm just telling you I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did it.

    Dale Doback: Well then I owe you an apology.

    Brennan Huff: No, you don't, at all. No.

    Dale Doback: Why would you take an apology if you didn't do it?

    Brennan Huff: Because I'm cool. It doesn't matter

  • Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale is playing video games in his room] Dale... Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.

    Dale Doback: You leave me money for pizza, Dad?

    Dr. Robert Doback: Yeah. There's $20 on the hall table. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy!

    Dale Doback: But what if I want wings?

    Dr. Robert Doback: [as he leaves out of the house] You don't need wings!

    Dale Doback: That's *NOT* ENOUGH, DAD!

  • Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.

    Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?

    Dale Doback: Fantasy league.

  • Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out.

    [Points to ab muscles]

    Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?

    Dale Doback: No.

    Derek: You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.

  • Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?

    Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

    Brennan Huff: Oh, he did?

    Nancy Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?

    Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

    Brennan Huff: It was not silent.

    Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.

    Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.

  • Dale Doback: [attacking Brennan after catching him messing around with his drum set] I warned you! There's *one rule* in the house, and you broke it!

    [Dale and Brennan continuing fighting]

  • Dale Doback: [attacking Brennan for rubbing his testicles on his drumset] I'M GONNA RUB MY BALLS ON YOUR MOM'S FACE!

  • Brennan Huff: [to Dale] You know what I just realized? You've been the one dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and find a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it!

    Dale Doback: My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had the perfect setup, and you wrecked it!

    [Dale gets up on his feet and starts walking away]

    Brennan Huff: Hey...

    [Dale turns around]

    Brennan Huff: We're no longer brothers!

    Dale Doback: We never were. We were stepbrothers.

    [Dale walks away]

  • Dr. Robert Doback: Oh God, you're impressive.

    Derek: Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man! You're my new stepdad! You're unbelievable!

    [Robert laughs giddily]

    Nancy Huff: I-I've never heard that laugh before.

    Dale Doback: Dad, why are you acting so weird?

  • Pam Gringe: Well, Brennan, you certainly have had a lot of jobs.

    Brennan Huff: I'm a bit of a spark plug and, uh, Human Resources Lady, when I think...

    Pam Gringe: Oh, you know, it's actually, it's Pam.

    Brennan Huff: I'm sorry. Well, Pan...

    Pam Gringe: No, my name is Pam.

    Brennan Huff: Are you saying "Pan" or "Pam"?

    Pam Gringe: I'm saying Pam. I'm sorry, who is this gentleman sitting behind you?

    Dale Doback: Hello, Miss Lady. I'm Dale. I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I might be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

    Brennan Huff: Yeah, that'd be great.

    Pam Gringe: [slowly] Pam. Pam, with an M.

    Brennan Huff: Pand. There's a D on the end?

    Pam Gringe: There's no D. It's Pam.

    Dale Doback: It's like "calm" except P-A-N-M.

    Brennan Huff: P-A-M... There's two Ms. That was the confusion.

  • Dale Doback: [both waking up from dreams on top of each other] Oh no, I'm late for school.

    Brennan Huff: I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.

  • Dale Doback: Chewbacca masks!

  • Dale Doback: What is your problem, man?

    Derek: My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?

    Dale Doback: It's not about money.

    Derek: It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.

  • Dale Doback: [Talking to an employment agency worker] Look, I wanna' be honest with you. I really need a job. And, I will take any position - as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money, or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos.

  • Dale Doback: Please leave us alone Mr. Gardocki!

  • [last lines]

    Brennan HuffDale Doback: [simultaneously getting out of bed to go sleepwalking; mumbling indistinctly]

    Dale Doback: You got my passport?

    Brennan Huff: What?

    Brennan HuffDale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly]

    Dale Doback: I'm good.

    Brennan HuffDale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly]

    Dale Doback: All right.

    Brennan HuffDale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly]

    Dale Doback: Don't worry, I'm not gonna be late. Don't worry.

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