Criswell Quotes in Ed Wood (1994)

Criswell: Eddie, we're in show biz. It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you look good, and you talk well, people will swallow anything.

[Waiting to be baptized in a swimming pool]

Vampira: Why couldn't we do this in the church?

Criswell: Because Brother Tor couldn't fit in the sacred tub.

Criswell: [First lines] Greetings, my friends! You are interested in the unknown. The mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened. We are giving you all the evidence based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, places. My friends, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your heart stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood Jr.?

Criswell: Bela, would you like a wine?

Bela Lugosi: No. I never drink... wine.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970?

Criswell: I guessed. I made it up.

[Leans over to Ed]

Criswell: It's horseshit.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [Ed looks very crestfallen] Really...

Criswell: Eddie, there's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a black tuxedo.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [Still looking disappointed, but perking up] It's that easy?

Criswell: Eddie, we're in show biz. It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you look good and you talk well, people will believe anything.

[first lines]

Criswell: Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?

Criswell: Perhaps, on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it... for they will be from outer space.

Criswell: [narrating] At the funeral of the old man, unknown to his mourners, his DEAD WIFE was watching!

Criswell: [narrating] ... The grief from his wife's death became greater and greater agony. The home they had so long shared became a tomb, a sweet memory of her joyous living. The sky to which he had once looked was now only a covering for her dead body. The ever-beautiful flowers she had planted with her own hands became nothing more than the lost roses of her cheeks. Confused by his great loss, the old man left that home... never to return again!

[brakes screech and the old man screams]

Criswell: My friend, you have seen this incident, based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn't happen?

[last lines]

Criswell: My friend, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn't happen? Perhaps on your way home someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space. Many scientists believe that another world is watching us at this moment. We once laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric light, vitamins, radio, and even television. And now some of us laugh at outer space. God help us in the future.

Criswell: [narrating] ... All of us on this earth know that there is a time to live, and that there is a time to die. Yet death is always a shock to those left behind. It is even more of a shock when Death, the Proud Brother, comes suddenly without warning. Just at sundown, a small group gathered in silent prayer, around the newly-opened grave of the beloved wife of an elderly man. Sundown of the day; yet also the sundown of the old man's heart, for the shadows of grief clouded his very reason... The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.

Criswell: How many of you know the horror, the terror I will now reveal to you?