Craig Quotes in Snitch (2013)

[first lines]

Craig: That party we just threw, there were over a thousand people there, bro.

Jason Collins: No way. Oh, my God. I can't wait to get up there.

Father O'Neil: As you know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written.

Craig: I, Craig, take you, Christina, to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.

Christina Cleary: I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend and my captain... to be your anchor and your sail... your starboard and your port.

[Claire giggles silently, hiding behind the bouquet that she is holding]

Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Well this is a first!

Father O'Neil: And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.

[Claire giggles again]

Uncle Elroy: [Suga falls on Craig's lap, face down] Negro, what the hell you doing with my woman?

Craig: I don't know. I must have... shit.

Uncle Elroy: Suga? What the hell you doing with my nephew?

Suga: I'm sorry, baby. I thought it was you.

Uncle Elroy: Come on, baby. I'm faded, feeling X-rated. It's Mr. Nasty Time.

Suga: Mr. Nasty Time!

Uncle Elroy: Mr. Nasty Time. But take it easy on my back.

[to Craig]

Uncle Elroy: Make yourself at home, nephew.

Day-Day: Roach, if Pinky catches you doing that X-Games shit on the counter, we both gon' be fired!

African: [walking in store] Motherfuckers. You motherfuckers! What the fuck is this? You motherfuckers!

Day-Day: Can I help you, sir?

African: Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?

Day-Day: The manager's not here. I'm running the store right now.

African: You look like the playa-hater who sold me this shit. Give me back my damn money right now, and I don't have no damn receipt.

Day-Day: Do you have the cover, sir?

African: I don't have no damn cover! Kiss my ass, so what?

Day-Day: Can I see it sir?

[looks at CD]

Day-Day: What, were you chewing on this shit before you got here?

African: Bullshit, motherfucker! Do you know who you are fucking with?

Day-Day: Bishop Desmond Tutu?

African: Try again, motherfucker!

Day-Day: Winnie Mandela's lil'...

African: Try *again*, motherfucker!

Day-Day: Just an ugly ass black dude.

African: I'll go *postal* in this motherfucker!

Day-Day: Man, you better take your hostile black ass outta here!

African: [knocks down CD stand as Craig walks in] Ol' biatch...

[Craig shoves him into CD rack]

African: Oh, shit! Please, don't hurt me! Please! This's John Blaze; I can get jiggy with this!

Craig: Get your ass up outta here!

African: I'm just a bitch-ass nigga!

Craig: Do you like music?

Noelle: Do you like breathing?

Craig: Okay, I know you're thinking, "What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?" But I'm not. I know I'm not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Bike, eat, drink, talk. Ride the subway, read, read maps. Make maps, make art. Finish the Gates application. Tell my dad not to stress about it. Hug my mom. Kiss my little sister. Kiss my dad. Make out with Noelle. Make out with her more. Take her on a picnic. See a movie with her. See a movie with Aaron. Heck, see a movie with Nia. Have a party. Tell people my story. Volunteer at 3 North. Help people like Bobby. Like Muqtada. Like me. Draw more. Draw a person. Draw a naked person. Draw Noelle naked. Run, travel, swim, skip. Yeah, I know it's lame, but, whatever. Skip anyway. Breathe... Live.

Craig: You've had it figured out all along, Muqtada. Never get out of the bed.

Craig: Time felt different back then. Like there was more of it.

Dr. Eden Minerva: So, let's talk about your parents.

Craig: You think I can change my parents?

Dr. Eden Minerva: No, but I'm a psychiatrist, so I have to ask you about them at some point.

Craig: Take my dad. I just saw him today, like... and he knows I'm here 'cause I'm stressed out, but he still brings up the Gates application. It's, like, "Get a clue, Dad. There's something bigger going on here."

Dr. Eden Minerva: And what's that?

Craig: I don't know. But it feels big.

Bobby: I got in.

Craig: In what?

Bobby: In your mama.

Craig: Seeing someone lose it like that. You know, it reminded me of how I feel sometimes. Like I'm on the verge of just blowing up. All the stress and pressure and anxiety just bubbling up. But I'm never able to let it out like that. You know, I just keep it inside.

Noelle: You know, Vampire Weekend's doing a show at the end of the month. Would you wanna go?

Craig: Yes, I would! With you, right?

Noelle: No, with Solomon. Yeah, with me!

Craig: [During a basketball practice in the hospital] How'd you end up in here?

Bobby: Man, you don't give up, do you? I'm on vacation.

Craig: Seriously.

Bobby: I am serious. Some people go to Hamptons. I come here. Get a little R&R. People feed you. I get high sometimes, man.

Craig: That's not what I've heard about you.

Bobby: [sigh] What did you hear?

Craig: [hesitating a bit] I heard you tried to rape a penguin at the zoo.

Bobby: [straightening up] Who told you that?

Bobby: Well, well, well! Still working on it, Cool Craig?

Craig: It's not what you think.

Bobby: I think the two of you were playing the question game outside, that's what I think.

Craig: ...Well, I... guess it is what you think then.

Bobby: I thought so.

Bobby: Hey, what's the pot up to now?

Johnny: Eleven.

Bobby: Eleven? Yesterday it was twelve.

Johnny: Humble ate a buck.

Bobby: Humble ate a buck?

Johnny: The professor bet him a dollar he wouldn't eat it. He won.

Bobby: What is the world coming to?

[to Craig]

Bobby: Bunch of nut jobs in here, I'll tell you that.

Craig: What's the money for?

Bobby: Pizza party. So we don't have to eat this crap. They say we can have one, but we have to pay for it ourselves.

Craig: Well, I have eight dollars.

Bobby: [pauses] Well, you don't have to go bragging about it, Craig.

[last lines]

Megan: So, did you her the one about the grown woman who fell in love with the really pissed off lawyer?

Craig: Is it funny?

Megan: It's really funny.

Craig: Come here.

Megan: [steps in side] Close the door.

Craig: I never anticipated still having to find a place where I'd fit in by the time I was an adult either. I thought you automatically got one once you had a job and a family. But it's just you, alone.

Craig: [talking shop] During mediation my client agreed to give back two of her handguns to her husband, and now shes decided they were anniversary gifts to her.

Megan: Wow, that's romantic. Are you gonna win?

Craig: I hope so, because it would kill me to see a mother separated from her guns.

Megan: It's not gonna make any sense, so just fucking sue me. I'm sorry, that wasn't meant to be a lawyer joke.

Craig: It's not a joke if it's not insulting.

Tank: How do I bump into her?

Craig: She's a high school English teacher.

Tank: I can't really hang around high school these days unfortunately.

Doug Butabi: Idiot.

Craig: You know Doug, just because you and your brother are having problems, that's no reason to refer to my intellectual capacity in a diminutive manner.

Craig: Man, I owe you...

[pulls out an energy bar called "Big Time"]

Craig: BIG TIME! For bringing me here!

Craig: Here, have some bread. Everything will look better after bread.

Tom: Isn't that illegal?

Craig: Tom, never let the law stand in the way of a good time.

Craig: You know what you want. The hard part is over. Do something about it.

Tom: Well, fine. Well then I'll just go over there and say, "Hi, I'm Tom and you don't know me, but I've been spying on you for a couple of months now and I am finding you very attractive in a very real, very hormonal way." And then she'll slap me silly.

Craig: There are worse things in this world than getting slapped by a beautiful woman, you'll see.

Craig: Alright, now the only problem with glasses is that they tend to fly off when a woman slaps you. Just don't flinch, you take it like a man, come off it smiling.

Craig: You like lingerie, Tommy?

Tom: Well, I've really only read about it.

Craig: Do you want a man or do you want a woman?

Steve: Oh... a man. Definitely. I don't think I could eat a woman.

Craig: Gay. Way to go, Steve! You're the first gay-ass zombie.

Craig: I've given you everything I can.

Melora: Maybe 70% just isn't enough.

Craig: Are you kidding? I never give anyone that much.

Craig: These girls look cooked.

Doug: I know they're totally baked.

Craig: No man, I think that they're dead.

Doug: Holy shit!

Craig, Doug: [scream]

Craig: You've got a little corpse on you!

Brody: It all makes sense. How could we have been so blind?

Craig: What?

Doug: What are you talking about, Brody?

Brody: Don't you see? The hellacious stench, the ungodly heat, the forbidden fruit. I know what did this. It was a bunch of God damned squatters!

Doug: You think weightlifters did this?

Brody: That guy just ripped out his own heart.

Craig: And tracked mud all in the house.

Craig: I don't know how I'd feel about having some poor bastard work for free.

Doug: It's un-American.

Fire Marshal: No, you gotta trust me on this one. I mean, he wouldn't mind. Not like when his wife of seventeen years, who he treated like a goddess, left him for Tom at Myspace.com.

Craig: It kind of sounds like your friend might be gay.

Fire Marshal: Why? You gay? Nice apron.

Craig: I can't believe this is happening.

Doug: I don't believe my eyes.

Craig, Doug: Joey Lawrence came to our party!

Brody: Boys, save yourselves. Lucy's the devil!

Craig: I don't even care.

Brody: Let me offer some words of persuasion: She has a penis!

Craig, Doug: [scream]

Doug: Holy camel foot! Deal breaker!

Brody: Well, that's it. All the stiffs have come back to life and everybody's going home.

Craig: Yeah, including us. My dad's balls are enormous.

Doug: Like cantaloupes in a tube sock.

[first lines]

Craig: Oh! Help!

Doug: Uh-oh.

Craig: I think we got to pull over, Brody.

Brody: Again? Craig. You've been shitting across America.

Doug: Seriously. I want to get there, man.

Craig: Come on, you guys. The cigar's hanging off the lip.

Craig: I'm sorry if you're this way because of me.

[pause]

Craig: Are you this way because of me?

Ray: I'm a lot of things because of you. This isn't one of 'em.

Craig: The best way to break old habits is to make new ones.

Craig: You know what the addict's least favorite word is? No. Ask me if you can use my phone Daryl.

Craig: Say Craig, may I use the phone?

Craig: No.

Liz: Ah, it's beautiful.

Nina: So are we going to pull over and let it pass then?

Liz: If he wants us to pull over he'll sound his horn; sweetie.

Nina: It's getting really close.

Nina: Craig, I think he's gonna...

[They all gasp]

Craig: I can't believe I did that!

Craig: See, Nina, I've changed and you can change too.

Nina: I don't want to change.

Craig: We're going to have a morning tea and chat with our truck driver.

Nina: Are you serious? They just tried to kill us and now you're going to go ask for help? What happened to never leaving your vehicle?

Craig: Look if we need advice from 101 things to do in the outback we'll let you know.

Nina: But it just rammed us up the arse like we weren't even there? What the fuck are these truck drivers taking? Seriously where would they go?

Craig: I'm driving a fucking road train.

Craig: I reckon one of the drivers shot his mate... this place does strange things too people.

Nina: Unless the truck started driving on its own.

Marcus: You drove us here.

Craig: What am I supposed to do?

Nina: How about never leaving your vehicle.

Marcus: That's what you wanted right? Feel better now can you sleep at night?

Marcus: Here's your fucking water.

Craig: You won't survive without me when that psycho finds you.

Marcus: Just try not to show where the rest of us are.

Craig: You'll be dingo food before the day is out.

Craig: What have these crazy bitches done to you?

Marcus: We didn't take the truck... the truck took you.

Marcus: You've been a good mate to me you know that I gotta say you don't look too good.

Craig: Look Marcus here it comes you know when I said I'm sorry I fucked her? I lied.

Marcus: We have too go, this place makes people weird.

Craig: Jesus could you give it a rest we're all acting weird we're stuck in the middle of nowhere on a bloody road train.

Craig: I kept it's secret from her Nina's not gonna make it, there's not enough for three everything we have is right here So over between me and her are you going to give me a hand trucks ours now until we run out of gas I'm just going to get her legs I trust you will help.

Craig: [tying Joanne in a sleeping bag] Now I've got you, bitch! Let's hear you say uncle! Say uncle! Say it, bag of bitch! Say it! Say it, bag of bitch! Say it! Say uncle!

Craig: Erm, has anyone noticed we're standing next to a dead body? How can you be so fucking relaxed?

Doctor Reegan: Don't worry young man, she can't hurt you.

Doctor Reegan: A dead body can expel air for a number of days after the time of death. It's quite normal.

Craig: Normal. Cool. OK. Right. Yeah. Got it.

Craig: The world needs beauty, desperately.

Lucy: Well, I could... I could learn.

Craig: 'You could learn'... That's what Funky K likes to hear!

Michael: [laughing] Funky K...

Craig: [laughing] That's what I'm talking about!

Craig: I mean... I just can't believe there's not a band called 'Black Dragon' yet; there should be a band called 'Black Dragon.' The best thing about it is that the t-shirts are ready to go... I mean, it's just a fucking t-shirt with a black dragon on it.

Craig: He kept calling me queer!

Matt: For fuck's sake, Craig, that's what you are, a queer! Just deal with it!

Craig: Does the concept behind the word 'privacy' - does it mean anything to you?