Cotton McKnight Quotes in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.

Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.

Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.

Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.

Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.

Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Cotton McKnight: Oh! Right in the testicles!

Pepper Brooks: Ouchtown, population you, bro!

Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.

Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.

Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

Cotton McKnight: [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena]

[slowly takes off glasses]

Cotton McKnight: ... Oh... my... sweet Jesus...

Pepper Brooks: [stares stupidly] ... that's rad.

[after sudden death is announced]

Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport: sudden-death dodgeball.

Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts!

Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!

Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!

Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!

Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!

Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.

Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.

Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.

Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.

Cotton McKnight: Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing out there.

Pepper Brooks: They better chiggity-check themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.