Cosmo Topper Quotes in Topper (1937)

Cosmo Topper: My wife objects to drinking.

George Kerby: Then she shouldn't drink.

Cosmo Topper: She doesn't.

George Kerby: What's her objection?

Hotel Manager: Perhaps you can explain the red on this cigarette.

Cosmo Topper: Yes, I... cut my tongue when I was shaving this morning.

Cosmo Topper: So I'm a ditherer? Well, I'm jolly well going to dither, then!

Cosmo Topper: Good morning, Clara.

Mrs. Topper: Good morning, dear. You're late.

Cosmo Topper: Oh... better late than never. Only 44 seconds, anyhow.

[Topper reading annual report of his bank]

Cosmo Topper: Bullion abroad and in transit, thirteen million, two hundred and two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-four dollars and no cents.

George Kerby: No sense.

Cosmo Topper: I just said that, Mr. Kerby.

George Kerby: So did I.

Marion Kerby: Why don't you stop being a mummy for a few minutes and come to life? Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a mummy if you had any fun getting that way.

Cosmo Topper: But I... I didn't, you see.

Marion Kerby: No, I can tell that by the way you're staring at my knees.

Marion Kerby: Let's go have some dinner.

Cosmo Topper: Oh no, we cannot eat on an empty stomach!

Marion Kerby: Then we better have a few drinks first!

Cosmo Topper: [to two bewildered onlookers, who've been watching him talk to an invisible Marion] Well, is it *my* fault there's no one here?

Cosmo Topper: [drunk] Well, that's how I dance. How do you like it?

George Kerby: [smiles and nods politely] Yes, I thought that was pretty - bad.

[George and Marion watch a drunk Topper laying on the floor, passed out]

Marion Kerby: I don't think he's ever had a drink in his life.

George Kerby: Poor Topper.

Marion Kerby: Poor Topper.

Cosmo Topper: [mutters] Poor Topper.

George Kerby: You keep out of this.

Cosmo Topper: Can't you even *look* like a human being?

Wilkins: I don't know, sir, I've never tried.

Cosmo Topper: Clara, we used to play together once, and we could again. We could drive up to Lake Placid, just you and I. Stop at a roadhouse, dinner, and dance.

Mrs. Topper: Drive in that? You're asking me to drive in a car that looks like a painted Jezebel. And drive it to a roadhouse? Why, it'd be like going to the opera in my night gown!

Cosmo Topper: [to George, referring to his wife] Yes, I'v never - never beaten her.

[awkwardly]

Cosmo Topper: Not... yet, I haven't.

[pauses, then nods to liquor on the table]

Cosmo Topper: Open the other bottle.

Cosmo Topper: Having a little chair trouble, but, don't pay any attention to it.

Cosmo Topper: [speaking to George Kerby about Marian Kerby] Use your influence. If you haven't any, beat her.

Eddie, the Chauffeur: Pardon me, boss, but could I sort of inquire what we're going to the Carrington place for?

Cosmo Topper: To look for a body.

Eddie, the Chauffeur: Better look for one for me, too, 'cause the one I'm using now is numb.

Sgt. Roberts: So you admit there is a body.

Cosmo Topper: Yes. I came over here to look for it.

Sgt. Roberts: Well, how did you know it was here?

Cosmo Topper: She told me.

Sgt. Roberts: She? Who's she?

Cosmo Topper: The dead girl.

Ann Carrington: Where did you last see her?

Cosmo Topper: She was sitting on a table in the hall and she hung my hat on a Chinaman's foot.

Sgt. Roberts: Why did you kill her?

Cosmo Topper: I didn't!

Sgt. Roberts: That's only ONE man's opinion.

Cosmo Topper: I can prove it.

Sgt. Roberts: How?

Cosmo Topper: Leave me alone in that room for a minute.

Sgt. Roberts: Ho-ho, I'm not THAT dumb.

Bob: Well, that's only one man's opinion, too.

Cosmo Topper: Would you mind telling me where you ladies are taking me?

Ann Carrington: To the Carrington Estate.

Eddie, the Chauffeur: Uh-oh.

Ann Carrington: Is there anything wrong with the Carrington place?

Eddie, the Chauffeur: Yes, ma'am! If there wasn't anybody livin' there, it would be a haunted house.

Gail Richards: [Getting into Cosmo's car] Mind if I sit on your lap?

Cosmo Topper: Oh, uh, really, my dear young lady...

Ann Carrington: I'm very sorry to inconvenience you but we had a blow-out!

Gail Richards: Ah, this is comfortable. Well, what are we waiting for?

Clara Topper: I think its ridiculous for a man of your age to pursue young girls. What will the neighbors think?

Cosmo Topper: I didn't pursue them, Clara. They forced themselves on me.

Clara Topper: Don't be absurd! Imagine girls, pretty girls, forcing themselves on a paunchy, middle-aged man.

Cosmo Topper: Why, I don't think I'm paunchy.

Clara Topper: Don't try to change the subject! At least you might have waved to me when you went by!

Cosmo Topper: I've explained that, darling. I couldn't. That girl was sitting on my lap.

Clara Topper: I know she was! I warn you, Cosmo. If ever you do a thing like this again, I'm going back to Mama.

Cosmo Topper: Well, I might be a little over weight. But, I'm certainly not paunchy! In fact, I'm in pretty good shape, for the shape I'm in. After all, I'm a banker - not a glamour boy.

Cosmo Topper: Get out of my bed!

Gail Richards: I won't! Not unless you come with me.

Cosmo Topper: You get out of my bed or I'll tell Mrs. Topper.

Gail Richards: What will you tell her?

Cosmo Topper: I'll tell her you're in my bed! Oh, no. I can't very well tell her that.

Cosmo Topper: I've lost the body. I've lost my car. If I don't get out of here very soon, I'll lose my mind!

Cosmo Topper: Good heavens, why should anyone want to kill Miss Carrington?

Gail Richards: Well, they killed me, didn't they.

Cosmo Topper: Yes, I can understand that.

Gail Richards: Didn't your Ma ever tell you to knock on a ladies bedroom door before you barge in?

Cosmo Topper: This is most embarrassing. Why couldn't you have stayed the way you were?

Gail Richards: A negligee's hardly appropriate for solving crimes.