Coroner Quotes in Maniac Cop (1988)

Coroner: We have a C2/C3 fracture dislocation. The head was unstable and there was a sudden deceleration injury. The residual hanging; where the head just "pops". That's not what's interesting. What's interesting is we have a crushed larynx. The head's just flopping.

Frank McCrae: You're tryin' to tell me two kids did this?

Wes Luger: So what're we looking at here, Doc?

Coroner: The worst-dressed stiff I've ever seen.

Wes Luger: This "stiff" and I pounded a beat together for five years. So show some respect, Doc.

Coroner: I'm sorry, Wes. You know, I see so much of this senseless mayhem that sometimes I get a little insensitive.

Wes Luger: [nods with understanding]

Coroner: All right. This loser has taken the chicken-shit way out and punched her own ticket.

Wes Luger: Suicide, huh?

[He turns over York's body; there is an expression of surprise frozen on her face]

Wes Luger: She must have caught herself by surprise.

Jim Campbell: What would cause something like that?

Coroner: What am I? The Amazing Randi? We have tests to run. It will take time.

Coroner: [Coroner is leading a group of cops through the morgue to a drawer] Visitors, Mendez. Rise & shine!

Det. Hazeltine: [Obviously nauseated] I hate morgues.

Lt. Kaminski: Yeah, that's him. Joseph Mendez, professional hit-man, worked free-lance.

Det. Barzak: Didn't like women or kids, either. This guy was a bad-ass.

Coroner: Really, because, I mean; he hasn't given me a bit of trouble.

[Slaps the corpse gently on the cheek as if to antagonize him]

Det. Hazeltine: Yeah, well... I guess we'd better be going.

Coroner: [Noticing Frank's nausea] Really, I was in the middle of ordering lunch before you guys came up here, uuh...

[Grabs up a phone & pretends to be ordering]

Coroner: Hi, yeah, uuh... Make it a pastrami & a small Sprite. You sure I can't interest you guys in anything?

Det. Barzak: No, thanks anyway, man.

Coroner: [singing] As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her, and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.

Vivian Mend - Typist: Doctor, what is wrong with him?

Coroner: He's dead.

Coroner: My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man?

Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.

Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

Randal Graves: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.

Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.

[Randal sorrowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter]

Helen Sharp: By the time they perform the autopsy, the narconal will be completely dissolved leaving only traces of alcohol. She'll be classified as just "another drunk-driver". They'll check her blood alcohol.

Coroner: [Coroner picks up charred hand with bottle] .40... She had it coming.

[Drops hand, bottle brakes]

Helen Sharp: And think nothing more of it.

Helen Sharp: The case is closed, Madeline is dead, and we're free!

[the coroner is dissecating the body of a man who died from Ebola Syndrome]

Coroner: Hum... the lower intestine has liquified. The main organs have disglued and the lungs have all turned to mush. Starting our examination of the head we shall make an incision to the throat. And the face has ulcers. Facial muscular tissue is badly decomposed. I've never seen anything like it, it's as if the muscular tissues were trying to eat each other!

Dist. Atty. Adair: An hour ago, Rudy Linnekar had this town in his pocket.

Coroner: Now you could strain him through a sieve.

John Wintergreen: You listen to me, hatchet artist! You're tampering with evidence and if you put your finger on one more thing in this room, I'm going to bust your ass! That's right... the officer in charge is talking to you and he's saying that you're going to be arrested as an accessory, after the fact, in a murder case!

Coroner: Now you listen to me. I have had had a lot of patience with you. You want to be a policeman. You want to stay on the force. Well you just get the hell out of here and get on that motorcycle and start tagging automobiles... 'cause if I hear one more peep out of that goddamn yap of yours, I'm going to see that you get sent to Sibieria!

Police Insp. Charles M. Mason: Say, listen, doctor. This is very important. I want another autopsy on Fissue. And be very careful this time. It's possible he was murdered by some obscure drug that you might have overlooked.

Coroner: I'm very sorry, Inspector. But I can't make another autopsy. Why not? Because the body was cremated yesterday.

Police Insp. Charles M. Mason: All right. Then don't do it.

Coroner: [Into a tape recorder] My professional opinion: this guy's deader than shit. Ha ha ha ha ha. Um, strike that last comment from the record.

[first lines]

Coroner: Dr. Fletcher, as long as you have elected to take the stand at this inquest, I again urge you to give us more information regarding the circumstances surrounding the death of the deceased. You are being of no help to us by your continued silence.

Coroner: [At the inquisition of Bruno Heitz] From the evidence I've heard, I have the impression that your son was somewhat of a bohemian. Would you agree with that?

Professor Jules Heitz: He was a talented artist. His life was of his own choosing.

Coroner: I also had the impression he was a libertine.

Professor Jules Heitz: [emphatically] No!

Coroner: He had a number of girlfriends?

Professor Jules Heitz: Possibly. However, that does not make him a libertine.

Dr. Fisher: "It's all in your mind Alice."

Michael: "There's no link between you and the killer. Save that sh*t for the Psychic Network."

Detective Joey Bagadonis: "Hey, that was my Bavarian!"

Sgt. Harris: "So what do you think happened?

Coroner: "I don't know. Maybe he pissed off a florist."

Coroner: He did nothing. The law has little to say on things left undone.