Corky Quotes in Universal Squadrons (2011)

Corky: Reality is just an illusion brought on by the lack of alcohol.

Corky: Any word from Lance?

Becca: No.

Corky: Well, I don't mean nothin'. I mean, I don't mean he's dead in a ditch, or gettin' his genitals zapped like I hear that they do to POWs. No ma'am, don't even go there.

Becca: Thanks Corky, you're a real comfort.

Corky: That's what I'm here for.

Corky: [getting drunk] I'm a pleasant flucker. I pluck mother pheasant. I'm a pleasant mother pheasant plucker.

Nancy Drew: I wonder who tried to kill us?

Corky: Yeah, I'm wondering that too. In fact, I'm kind of freaking out about it!

Victoria Snelling: [trying to make a phone call while the cab's radio's blasting] Will you hold on a second please? Miss - would you please, uh, just turn the music off?

Corky: [condescendingly turning it off] Sure, Mom.

Victoria Snelling: Thank you.

Corky: I never thought I'd live to see the day that an FBI agent would be peddling smack.

Agent Brick Davis: Don't act so surprised. J. Edgar Hoover used to wear a dress.

Corky: Just tell me why, Brick.

Agent Brick Davis: I don't know. I suppose it made him feel sexy.

Corky: Not Hoover, You.

[after setting off an airport metal detector]

Corky: I'm just a little wired.

[Nervous chuckle]

Corky: Ahh, I'm mean wired as in jumpy, not as in there's a concealed wire in my crotch.

Corky: Howdy.

Skinhead: [holds up gun] Whadya want bitch?

Corky: I was wondering if I could purchase some heroin and then we could go out and do some hate crimes and stuff.

[skinhead rips off Corky's shirt reveiling his wire]

Corky: Ahhhhh.

Agent Brick Davis: You do speak Manderain, don't you?

Corky: Oh yes. I just didn't understand your accent. See, I was taught by an up scale family, su su sudio.

Corky: You guys want some cookies?

Leo: Who's this guy?

Corky: That's Brick Davis

Peter: Is he the guy with the muscular thighs and the nice tan?

[All look at him]

Peter: What?

Corky: [to dog] Gimme the coke. Gimme the cocaine boy.

Corky: I should buy a boat.

Corky: It's funny 'cause it's true.

Dexter, Computer Hacker: What should his name be?

Peter: I don't care what you call him pissant. Just get it done.

Corky: Oh, for my résumé I'm really good with animals.

[last lines]

Corky: You know what the difference is between you and me, Violet?

Violet: No.

Corky: Me neither.

Violet: That's a great tattoo. Beautiful labrys. Are you surprised I know what it is?

Corky: Maybe.

Violet: I have a tattoo. Would you like to see it?

Violet: You seem uncomfortable. Do I make you nervous, Corky?

Corky: No.

[drinks from beer bottle]

Violet: Thirsty, maybe?

Corky: What are you doing?

Violet: Isn't it obvious? I'm trying to seduce you.

Corky: Why?

Violet: Because I want... to. I've wanted to ever since I saw you that day in the elevator. I know you don't believe me, but I can prove it to you. You can't believe what you see. But you can believe... what you feel. I've been thinking about you all day.

Violet: We're not that different, Corky.

Corky: Ah, let's see. This is the part where you tell me what matters is on the inside, and that inside of you there's a little dyke just like me.

Violet: No, she's nothing like you. She's a whole lot smarter than you are.

Corky: When you get tired of Cagney and Lacey, find me.

Corky: For me, stealing's always been a lot like sex. Two people who want the same thing: they get in a room, they talk about it. They start to plan. It's kind of like flirting. It's kind of like... foreplay, 'cause the more they talk about it, the wetter they get. The only difference is, I can fuck someone I've just met. But to steal? I need to know someone like I know myself.

Corky: If there's one thing I can't stand about sleeping with women, it's all the fucking mind-reading.

Corky: You planned this whole thing. You dropped that earring down the sink on purpose, didn't you?

Violet: If I say yes, will you take your hand away?

Corky: No.

Violet: Yes.

Corky: [after making love with Violet] I can see again!

Violet: Shelly knows what I am. He saw me in a bar with another woman.

Corky: Yeah, I suppose he just wants to watch.

Corky: So, Ceasar works for the Mafia?

Violet: Strange, nobody calls it that anymore. Ceasar calls it "the Business."

[Caesar is aiming his gun at Corky, who is tied up - 'bound' as the title has it]

Caesar: God. I should have seen this coming the minute I met you. Everybody knows your kind can't be trusted. Fucking queers make me sick. But you made a fatal mistake. You tried fucking the wrong guy. And I swear to you that I'm going to kill you for it. Where's my money?

Violet: Don't tell him.

Caesar: Shut up, Violet!

Violet: He can't kill you.

Caesar: [He aims the gun at Violet] Violet!

Violet: Not until he has the money.

[He fires the gun at the wall behind Violet to scare and silence her]

Caesar: Now. Where is it?

Corky: Lick me.

Caesar: Where is my money?

Corky: Either pull the trigger or get that fucking thing out of my face.

Corky: So what are you saying? You don't have sex with men?

Violet: I don't.

Corky: Oh, for Christ's sake, Violet, I heard you. Thin walls, remember?

Corky: I can fuck someone I just met. But to steal I have to know someone like I know myself.

Corky: You can't kill me.

Caesar: Oh really? Why not?

Corky: I could be lying.

Corky: Either pull the trigger or get that fucking thing out of my face.

Corky: To steal, I need to know someone like I know myself.

Violet: You think you know me like that?

Corky: [on the phone with Hector] He told you that... and you gave it to him? Oh no, no, no, I ain't mad. You just one stupid motherfucker and you ain't never gonna see a goddamn cent of my business, but I ain't mad. Yo, get fucked Hector!

Fresh: I ain't run no base for no Esteban.

Corky: Oh no? Who was it for then, Santa Claus?

[slaps Fresh]

Corky: Who was it for?

Fresh: He gonna kill me if I say.

Corky: [Drops Fresh on the floor] I'm gonna ice you right now if you don't!

Corky: You know what this is? *Look at it!* What is it?

Fresh: Look like base.

Corky: That's right, little man. Five thousand dollars worth of pure base cocaine. You didn't even look to see what you was carrying, did you? You're just a little kid in way over his head, I know that. But Esteban gotta be sent a message about horning in on my business.

[picks up a chain]

Corky: I'm afraid you gonna have to be my little telegram.

Darryl: James be running smack, Corky. He an H boy, it ain't our problem.

Corky: Nigger cut into my part, know that shit is mine, then turn around and sell it without cutting me in? That shit is my problem! We gonna pay my problem a visit and solve it.

Corky: [to Fresh] Only reason you ain't the man is you still too goddamn little, but, when you get bigger, you gonna be the man.

[playing cards, Corky turns to talk to Fresh, Darryl draws a card]

Corky: What the fuck are you doing?

Darryl: I was picking up.

Corky: Don't do shit behind my back. Why the fuck you gonna be doing that?

Darryl: Corky man, it was my turn, man, we just playing, it's just me, baby.

Corky: I don't give a fuck who you is, be my mother, motherfucker, I don't play that shit!

Darryl: Sorry, alright?

Corky: Yeah, yeah, you be sorry. You do that shit, just do it in front of my face.

[pause]

Corky: Now, am I free to finish my little transaction here without every nigger be doing some shit behind my back?

Corky: [to Fresh] So I'm hearing, like all week I'm hearing your little friend talking you running base for Esteban. All over the motherfucking street, "We running that base for Esteban."

Corky: "Take two, they're big." Do remember when you said that to me Ben?

Ben Greene: A pro never forgets his good lines, kid.

Fats: Hey, you know what I think?

Corky: What do you think?

Fats: We're gonna be a staaaaaaar!

Corky: There was never me, only us.

Fats: Schmucko... us was you.

Corky: ...Wha...?

Fats: It was you the whole time... I hope I don't die first, is all...

Corky: We'll go together, chances are...

Fats: Yeah...

Corky: I tried to stop him.

Fats: Tried... tried... ya failed!

Fats: Stop the Postman!

Corky: How? How? With what?

Fats: Me! Me! Me! Me! Meeee!

Corky: [Ben Greene has asked Corky to go five minutes without using Fats to talk to prove his sanity. He has gone 2 minutes] I can't make it...

Corky: I'd like to say that goin' to bed with you is maybe the best three things that ever happened to me. And I'd love some coffee. And I adore you. And I take it with cream and sugar. And your breasts belong in the Louvre, which is a museum in Paris that I plan on visiting with you once you get wise and decide to leave the old ear-blower.

Corky: What would you say if I... called the police?

Fats: You ain't bein' logical.

Corky: There's snapping turtles out there! And once there was a water moccasin scare.

Fats: I don't care if the Loch ness monster's out there and he's ravenous.

Peggy Ann Snow: [crying hysterically] Were you laughing every SECOND?

Corky: Peg, I...

Peggy Ann Snow: Was I FUNNY, you bastard son-of-a-bitch?

Ben Greene: Hey kid. I'm gonna ask you to do something. It's a little something anybody oughta be able to do. Now if you can do it fine, we'll forget this whole thing, but if you can't we'll think about getting you to see somebody fast. Is it a deal?

Corky: Name it!

Ben Greene: Make Fats shut up for five minutes.

Corky: [awkward pause] Five minutes? I can make him shut up for five years.

Ben Greene: Wonderful.

[looks at watch]

Corky: [puts Fats aside] I feel like the village idiot, if you want to know the truth. Can we talk, or is it going to be strictly semaphore?

[silence]

Corky: How long so far?

Ben Greene: [readying a cigar] It's uh... Thirty seconds.

Corky: Gosh, that's uh... four-and-a-half minutes to go! Think I'll make it? Don't happen to have another of those, do you?

[receives a cigar]

Corky: Thanks. "Take two, they're big." Remember when you said that, Ben?

Ben Greene: A pro never forgets his good lines, kid.

Corky: How long now?

Ben Greene: Comin' up two minutes.

Corky: You think we'll laugh about this someday?

Corky: Might.

Corky: [starting to talk nervously faster] Make a terrific scene if you ever decide to write your autobiography. Hey, I know what you should call it! "Failing Upwards", or "How to Succeed in Show Business by Outliving Everybody".

[silence]

Corky: Two minutes yet?

Ben Greene: A minute forty-five.

Corky: This is very cruel of you, you know that?

Ben Greene: I don't mean it to be.

Corky: I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you.

Ben Greene: Well that would be sad.

Corky: Time?

Ben Greene: It's two-and-a-half minutes to go.

Corky: [pause] I can't make it.

Ben Greene: Well, I didn't think you could.

Fats: [snatched by Corky, and talking rapidly] Hello everybody! This is Mister Norman Maine! My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, my sister thanks you, and I thank you! You have nothing to fear but fear itself, nothing to give but blood, sweat, and tears, nothing to lose but your change! Here he is boys, here he is world - heeeeeere's FATS!

Corky: [answering the phone] Hello?

Ben Greene: I've been having meetings for hours. I couldn't budge 'em, Cork.

Corky: I thought you said they wanted me?

Ben Greene: Well they do, Cork, but...

Corky: [raising voice] Didn't you explain about the principle?

Ben Greene: Now kid, this is network policy, it's legal policy. Now I'm sitting here with three of our genius lawyers. Their IQ's alone must total up to 100. Now we have called NBC a dozen times, and they are not, I repeat not, about to spend a half a million bucks only to find out on taping day that there's some kind of health problem.

Corky: [yelling] There's no problem!

Ben Greene: Corky...

Corky: Make 'em understand!

[hangs up]