Cooper Quotes in Jurassic Park III (2001)

Billy Brennan: How do you know the Kirbys?

Cooper: Through our church.

Udesky: Cooper! If you see anything, yell up!

Cooper: Naw, I thought I'd keep it to myself!

Daniella Riva: What is that white thing?

Cooper: Oh, that's my underwear.

Daniella Riva: That's no underwear. That's a diaper!

Cooper: I like a lot of coverage.

Cooper: Mrs. Riva, I'm Officer Cooper. I'm here to escort you to Dallas. You must have not seen me.

Daniella Riva: Oh, I saw you. I was trying to hit your flat ass.

Cooper: Mrs. Riva, I am a police officer.

Daniella Riva: Oh please! Look at you! You are teeny tiny! You look like a little dog that I can put in my purse.

Cooper: I can assure you, ma'am, that I meet the minimum height requirement of an adult female my weight.

Cooper: You don't have to like me but I'm your best chance at surviving... What the heck is that?

Daniella Riva: Philippe must have put baking powder in the car.

Cooper: How much baking powder?

Daniella Riva: I don't know, maybe like 42 kilos.

Trucker: Hey, are y'all okay? I took that turn way too fast. What the heck is this white stuff?

Cooper, Daniella Riva: Baking powder.

Cooper: We're bakers, muffins, toast, cakes.

Trucker: I should call the police.

Cooper: No, I am the mother f'in police. Don't you see? There's no major damage here. You're free to go.

Trucker: But I destroyed your car.

News Reporter: Officer Cooper stands at four feet, 11 inches.

Cooper: Oh, come on!

News Reporter: The other suspect, a 45-year-old Latino woman.

Daniella Riva: 45? My madre!...

News Reporter: Officer Cooper is four feet, nine inches.

Cooper: I am five-foot, two.

News Reporter: Traveling with a 50-year-old suspect.

Cooper: Randy?

Randy: Whoa, hey!

Cooper: Penis! Oh my God! Penis!

Randy: I'm going to get...

Randy: I know who you are. You all are wanted.

Cooper: I am a police officer. Mrs. Riva, she's a federal witness in my protective custody. Everybody in this state is looking for her, dirty cops and the cartel. We need a couple hours to lie low. Now, can you help us with that?

Randy: I kind of like your smile.

Cooper: You're in danger, ma'am, but everything's going to be fine.

Daniella Riva: What about my husband?

Cooper: Everything but your husband's going to be fine.

Daniella Riva: [hysterically] Ahhhhhh!

Cooper: We have to get out of this car right now or they're going to kill us both. Follow me... Mrs. Riva is having some problems with some lady business.

Police Officer: Can't she just hold it?

Daniella Riva: No, you see, once a month it sheds its lining.

Cooper: It sheds!

Daniella Riva: So that the eggs descend into the...

Detective Hauser: Oh my God!

Cooper: [in Spanish] I can't wait to see you behind bars.

Daniella Riva: Do you speak Spanish?

Cooper: [in Spanish] Shut your mouth.

Daniella Riva: [in Spanish] You tiny little whitey.

Cooper: [in Spanish] Your big, fat mouth.

Daniella Riva: [in Spanish] Birdbrain.

Captain Emmett: What I'm about to say can't leave this room. Do you know who Vicente Cortez is?

Cooper: Yes, he is the top lieutenant in the cartel. He is known as the Bank of Bogota, the Tender Tender, the Lender Lender, the Money Launderer, El Chapo, the Pork Chop...

Captain Emmett: Okay, okay... Tomorrow morning, you will escort our witness to Dallas so she can testify against Cortez... But Cortez has killed every witness we've had.

[Cooper tries to push Wells' intestines back into his stomach]

Sergeant Harry Wells: My guts are out Coop!

Cooper: We'll just put 'em back in then!

Sergeant Harry Wells: They're not gonna fucking fit!

Cooper: Of course they'll fit, man!

Cooper: [quote is a reference to The Matrix] Where's Spoon?

Sergeant Harry Wells: There is no Spoon.

Cooper: Werewolves spend most of their time in human form, right? And the only people for miles around live right here.

Spoon: So these things aren't about to give up the fight and go home...

Cooper: They ARE home.

Sgt. Harry Wells: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I mean, think about it. We bust into their house, we eat all their porridge, we sleep in their fucking beds. No wonder they're pissed.

[Cooper is grinning and face-to-face with werewolf Ryan]

Cooper: Ryan. Have ya tried lickin' ya own balls yet?

[Ryan pulls Cooper up to him]

Cooper: I forgot. You don't fuckin' have any.

Cooper: Go on then Bruce, what scares you?

Bruce: The self-destructive nature of the human condition.

Spoon: You're just taking the piss now.

Cooper: What about you, Spoon?

Spoon: Castration.

Cooper: There's no argument there. Joe?

Joe: Only one thing guaranteed to put the shits up me: a penalty shoot-out.

Cooper: Figures. Terry?

Terry: Watching a penalty shoot-out... with Joe.

Bruce: What about you, Coop?

Cooper: Spiders. And women. And... spider-women.

[a la Aliens]

Cooper: Remember - short, controlled bursts.

Cooper: We need a decoy. Something fast and loud.

[all turn to Spoon, who wasn't listening]

Spoon: What? You what?

Spoon: So this bloke walks into a pub right, with a little dog under his arm. Puts it down on the bar, goes and sits down. The bar-tender's lookin' at him thinking "what the fuckin' hell's goin' on here?". Then he looks back at the dog, and to his surprise the dog turns around and...

[Dead cow drops into camp]

Cooper: Fuckin' cow.

Spoon: Fuckin' hell.

[Terry fires at it]

Wells: Cease fire, Terry. Cease fire.

Joe: Terry, what the hell are you doin'? You're firing blanks man.

Wells: Is everyone all right? Is everyone OK?

Spoon: Nah, man, I think I've shit meself.

Cooper: Sweeping patrols between each of these bunkers - they'll have the whole sector wrapped tighter than an Eskimo's nad-sac.

[Cooper has just stabbed Ryan with the PURE silver dagger and is pointing his HP Browning at Ryan's forehead]

Cooper: Do you think it's all over? It is now.

Ryan: ...you live and learn.

Cooper: Yeah. But you don't.

[Wells trapped in the toilet by attacking werewolves]

Cooper: Sarge. Sarge?

Sergeant Harry Wells: I'M IN THE KHAZI.

Cooper: We go together or we don't fuckin' go!

Joe: This is bone. This is so fucking bone.

Cooper: Anything else?

Megan: Yeah. What does 'bone' mean?

Spoon: Bone; Bollocks, naff.

Joe: Not. Very. Good.

Megan: Right. Anything else I should know?

Cooper: Call signs. You need to be specific. Upstairs you've got Sergeant Wells who you seem to know inside and out by now. Over there you've got Spoon, the vomiting cavalier is Terry, and the big guy with the axe is Joe.

Cooper: [Upon learning about the werewolves] I may be nuts but I'm no fruitcake.

Megan: Fine. Stay here and... drink tea!

Cooper: Roast their bollocks off.

Sergeant Harry Wells: [referring to the possibility that he is now a werewolf] With Ryan it onlt took a couple of hours mate. It's a full moon. I don't know, maybe it's like when you need to take a piss or something, I don't know. When you gotta go, you gotta fucking go.

Cooper: Yea, well maybe it's more like needing a shite. Just cos you need one doesn't mean you drop your kegs and pinch one off. Anyway, fuck Ryan. Shifty bastard could've been one of those things from the start.

Cooper: You all right?

Sergeant Harry Wells: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm peachy, mate.

Cooper: I'm still not convinced these things didn't just escape from the local nut-house and forget to shave or trim their nails.

Cooper: When we blow that fuse that place is gonna go up like Zabriskie Point.

[faced by a werewolf]

Cooper: Don't... stare... back.

Spoon: I can't... help... it.

Cooper: Well, Ryan, you heard the score. Maybe one or two of us'll make it through this, but I don't care much for our chances. D'you like football?

Ryan: What? "They think it's all over", and all that crap? No I don't.

Cooper: Yeah, well Joe, you remember Joe? He liked football. He fuckin' lived for it.

Ryan: Is this relevant?

Cooper: He missed the most important match of his life for this bullshit exercise, and now he's dead along with two other mates I'd have rightfully given my right arm for. Too fuckin' right it's relevant.

[to Ryan who has just unveiled that he had used Wells' unit as bait to capture a werewolf]

Sergeant Harry Wells: [Hits him] They were MY men!

Cooper: Get up you shit. You know what we can do. Give us a fightin' chance!

[after discussing how low they are on ammo]

Megan: Tell me. Honestly, what are our chances?

Cooper: Morale seems good, considering. But that will only last as long as the ammunition holds out. Although high spirits are just no substitute for eight hundred rounds a minute, but I don't think that's what you wanted to hear.

Cooper: Just fuckin' leg it.

Cooper: New woman, same old shite.

[Joe's complaining about the quality of the food]

Joe: I'm sick of this pre-packed dog shite.

Bruce: If it's not one thing, it's another, eh Joe?

Spoon: I know, you're like a bear with a sore head.

Terry: Thanks to Cooper's fancy footwork.

Cooper: Yeah, sorry about that Joe. How's your head doing?

Joe: Still in one piece. Knock on wood.

Cooper: Any questions?

Joe: Just the one, Coop. Exactly what is it we're fighting against?

Cooper: Megan, do you wanna run it past the boys?

Megan: Lycanthrope.

Joe: You what?

Cooper: That's werewolves to you and me.

Joe: You're taking the piss.

Spoon: What? It makes perfect sense to me.

Megan: What's the glue for?

Cooper: Ever wondered why the best thing that superglue sticks together is your fingers? Forget your grandma's china cups - this stuff was developed for the Vietnam war to patch up broken soldiers.

Megan: But they're good people, they're kind people.

Cooper: More's the pity.

Megan: Why?

Cooper: Cause we're gonna have to kill them all.

Cooper: So either we all make a break for it and fight our way clear, or the rest of us keep them occupied while one of us goes for help.

Joe: And by the time the cavalry get here, they'll have to pick what's left of us from between their teeth.

Cooper: We are gonna make it through this. You know why? I don't scare that easy.

Cooper: [after Wells has had his intestines exposed] How are you feeling?

Wells: A touch of gas. And the fact that various body parts are trying to vacate the premises, fucking awful.

Cooper: Everyone tooled up?

Spoon: To the nines.

Joe: [as the soldiers prepare for the werewolf attack] This is a pile of rancid shit!

Megan: [to Cooper] Now what do you believe?

Cooper: I'm beginning to believe you, but I think Joe might have worded it better.

Megan: Are you sure he should be chasing painkillers with whisky?

Cooper: Yeah, well, he's earned it.

Sergeant Harry Wells: [drunk] Is it your birthday, Coop?

Cooper: No, mate.

Sergeant Harry Wells: Is it my birthday? Hey, hey!

Spoon: You're gonna have to move like shit off a shovel on this one, mate.

Cooper: You worry about your own shit, all right?

Spoon: [about the plan to blow up the shed] Yeah its easy-peasy.

Cooper: Yeah, lemon-squeezy.

Wells: What if shes wrong? What if they're not all in there?

Cooper: Then we get some of them. Its a shit load better than none of them and a marked improvement on all of us.

Cooper: I'm not about to second guess these things. They're the enemy, simple as that.

Megan: This is no ordinary enemy.

Cooper: [to Ryan] Yeah, I failed, and I'm bloody glad of it. Because given the choice of taking orders from a toffee-nosed twat like you and sluggin' it out with these guys, I'll take the underdogs any time.

[Using the flash of a camera to hold back attacking werewolf]

Cooper: Cheese, ya fucker!

Cooper: [in reference to Ryan] If he moves, pan him.

Cooper: I will not kill THAT dog for no reason.

Zuyenko: Do you have one of those macho call signs, like "Stud" or "Ace?"

Cooper: Cobra. My callsign's Cobra.

Zuyenko: Ah, the big-headed snake. It suits you.

Sinclair: [walking up to Vardovsky on the tar-mac on the morning of flying back home] Did you tell them?

Col. Vardovsky: Everything.

Sinclair: Well now you know.

Graves: Yes, sir.

Sinclair: That suits me just fine. I'm sick and tired of workin with a bunch of Commies anyway.

[Downs starts lauging and Chappy joins in]

Sinclair: Hey, here's your chance.

[holds up an Uzi 9mm]

Sinclair: Shoot one of them commie bastards.

[Downs and Chappy laughs as Chappy gives him an Uzi]

Sinclair: Shoot one of them! Ohhh I get it you don't want to shoot an unarmed man! Koshkin come here.

[gives Koshkin an Uzi, Koshkin shoots down at the ground]

Sinclair: What's the matter! Don't any of you have the guts to shoot the enemy? Hey Cooper, Lebanov come here.

[holds both Uzis for them to take]

Sinclair: Here you go. Come on! Well, come on!

[neither takes a step towards Chappy for a gun]

Sinclair: That's what I thought. Nobody has the guts! You're losers that's what they said. They sent you guys here because they knew you were gonna fail, and you know what they picked right! But I'm grateful to you, you know I'm very grateful because you taught me something today you taught me something about courage. It took a lot of courage to come over here with a bunch of people from the other side when deep down you hated what they stood for! You know I'm really grateful it took a lot of courage to hold on to that prejudice when we fought so hard to cut it out of you! Very grateful, people. But as you fly out of here today I want you to ask yourselves one thing. Where was that courage when you had the chance to stop them from killing thousands of people who had no reason to die? Ah! Well you're transports will leave here in an hour, and you'll go home a bunch of failures and a bunch of losers!

[walks away from the bunch]

Cooper: [turns to face Chappy with Zuyenko] General!

[tears the flag patch off of his flight suit and Zuyenko does as well as the rest of them]

Sinclair: All right we have less than 24 hours to prepare. We have to beat a couple bombers to the target.

[rips the flag patch off his uniform]

Sinclair: [they all look down at the ground where the U.S. and Russian flag patches lay]

[last lines]

Jake: More will come you know it... your just like me

Cooper: I know

[fires]

[last lines]

Westbrook: [screaming after him] COOPER?

[last lines]

Cooper: [screams back as he walks away] HE WAS GUILTY!

Simms: So where'r ya from?

Cooper: Chicago

Simms: How long you been doing this?

Cooper: Too Long.

Simms: Must be tough on the family, huh?

Cooper: Not any more.

Branch: You don't get sarcasm, do you?

Cooper: I think I had a sarcasm once.

Bridget: I can't believe something like that would just happen? And it just DID! I'm so happy I could just scream! Aaaaah aaah.

Poppy: I could scream too! Creek is alive!

Poppy, Chenille, Cooper, Biggie, Guy Diamond, Smidge, DJ Suki, Satin: [scream happily]

Branch: [screams hoarsely]

Cooper: *That's* your happy shout?

Branch: It's been a while.

Chef: He who controls the trolls controls the kingdom, and I am that he!

Cooper: You're a dude?

Cooper: We used to look up at the sky and wonder at our place in the stars. Now we just look down, and worry about our place in the dirt.

Cooper: Mankind was born on Earth. It was never meant to die here.

Cooper: We've always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible. And we count these moments. These moments when we dare to aim higher, to break barriers, to reach for the stars, to make the unknown known. We count these moments as our proudest achievements. But we lost all that. Or perhaps we've just forgotten that we are still pioneers. And we've barely begun. And that our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us.

TARS: [as Cooper repairs him] Settings. General settings. Security settings.

TARS: Honesty, new setting: ninety-five percent.

TARS: Confirmed. Additional settings.

Cooper: Humor, seventy-five percent.

TARS: Confirmed. Self destruct sequence in T minus 10, 9...

Cooper: Let's make that sixty percent.

TARS: Sixty percent, confirmed. Knock knock.

Cooper: You want fifty-five?

Cooper: You're ruling my son out for college now? The kid's fifteen.

Principal: Tom's score simply isn't high enough.

Cooper: What's your waistline? 32? With, what, a 33 inseam?

Principal: I'm not sure I see what you're getting at.

Cooper: You're telling me it takes two numbers to measure your own ass but only one to measure my son's future?

CASE: Endurance rotation is 67, 68 RPM.

Cooper: CASE, get ready to match our spin with the retro thrusters.

CASE: It's not possible.

Cooper: No. It's necessary.

Cooper: This world's a treasure, Don; but it's been telling us to leave for a while now.

Cooper: Hey TARS, what's your honesty parameter?

TARS: 90 percent.

Cooper: 90 percent?

TARS: Absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings.

Cooper: Okay, 90 percent it is.

Cooper: [whispering] Tell me something. Doctor Brand, and Edmonds...

TARS: Why are you whispering? They can't hear you.

Cooper: Doctor Brand and Edmonds, they close?

TARS: I wouldn't know.

Cooper: Is that a ninety percent wouldn't know, or ten percent wouldn't know?

TARS: I also have a discretion setting, Cooper.

Cooper: Ah. But not a poker face, huh?

Cooper: You're a scientist, Brand.

Brand: So listen to me when I say that love isn't something that we invented. It's... observable, powerful. It has to mean something.

Cooper: Love has meaning, yes. Social utility, social bonding, child rearing...

Brand: We love people who have died. Where's the social utility in that?

Cooper: None.

Brand: Maybe it means something more - something we can't yet understand. Maybe it's some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can't consciously perceive. I'm drawn across the universe to someone I haven't seen in a decade, who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can't understand it. All right Cooper. Yes. The tiniest possibility of seeing Wolf again excites me. That doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Cooper: Honestly, Amelia... it might.

Cooper: Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future.

TARS: I have a cue light I can use to show you when I'm joking, if you like.

Cooper: That might help.

TARS: Yeah, you can use it to find your way back to the ship after I blow you out the airlock.

[cue light flashes]

Cooper: You don't believe we went to the Moon?

Ms. Kelly: I believe it was a brilliant piece of propaganda, that the Soviets bankrupted themselves, pouring resources into rockets and other useless machines...

Cooper: Useless machines?

Ms. Kelly: And if we don't want to repeat of the excess and wastefulness of the 20th Century then we need to teach our kids about this planet, not tales of leaving it.

Cooper: You know, one of those useless machines they used to make was called an MRI, and if we had any of those left the doctors would have been able to find the cyst in my wife's brain, *before* she died instead of after, and then she would've been the one sitting here, listening to this instead of me, which would've been a good thing because she was always the... calmer one.

Young Murph: Why did you and mom name me after something that's bad?

Cooper: Well, we didn't.

Young Murph: Murphy's law?

Cooper: Murphy's law doesn't mean that something bad will happen. It means that whatever *can* happen, will happen. And that sounded just fine to us.

Doyle: We have a mission.

Cooper: Yeah, and our mission is to find a planet that can habitate the people living on Earth right now. Okay? Plan A does not work if the people on Earth are dead by the time we pull it off.

Cooper: [to young Murph] Tell him Murph. Make him stay. Make... Make him stay Murph. Make him stay Murph! Don't let me leave, Murph! Don't, don't let me leave Murph! NO, NO, NO, NO!

Murph: It was you. You were my ghost.

TARS: Cooper... Cooper... Come in, Cooper.

Cooper: TARS?

TARS: Roger that.

Cooper: You survived!

TARS: Somewhere, in their fifth dimension, they... saved us.

Cooper: Who the hell is they? Why would they want to help us, huh?

TARS: I don't know, but they constructed this three-dimensional space inside of their five-dimensional reality to allow you to understand it.

Cooper: Well, it ain't working.

TARS: Yes it is! You've seen that time is represented here as a *physical* dimension! You've worked out that you *can* exert a force across space-time!

Cooper: Gravity. To send a message.

TARS: Affirmative.

Cooper: Gravity can cross the dimensions, including time.

Doyle: You can't just think about your family. You have to think bigger than that.

Cooper: I'm thinking about my family and millions of other families.

Cooper: Okay. Now you need to tell me what your plan is to save the world.

Dr. Brand: We're not meant to save the world. We're meant to leave it.

Cooper: [looks up, sees space ships] Rangers.

Dr. Brand: The last components of our one versatile ship in orbit, the Endurance. Our final expedition.

Cooper: You sent people out there looking for a new home?

Dr. Brand: The Lazarus missions.

Cooper: That sounds cheerful.

Dr. Brand: Lazarus came back from the dead.

Cooper: Sure, but he had to die in the first place. There's not a planet in our solar system that can sustain life and the nearest star is over a thousand years away, I mean, that doesn't even qualify as futile. Where'd you send them?

Dr. Brand: Cooper, I can't tell you any more, unless you agree to pilot this craft. You're the best pilot we ever had.

Cooper: And I barely left the stratosphere.

Dr. Brand: This team never left the simulator. We need a pilot, and this is the mission that you were trained for.

Cooper: What, without even knowing it? An hour ago, you didn't even know I was alive and you were going anyway.

Dr. Brand: We had no choice. But something sent you here. They chose you.

Cooper: Well who's "they"?

[Dr. Brand does not answer]

Cooper: How long would I be gone?

Dr. Brand: Hard to know. Years.

Cooper: I've got kids, professor.

Dr. Brand: Get out there, and save them.

CASE: Ranger 2, prepare to detach.

Brand: What! NO, NO! Cooper! Cooper, what are you doing?

Cooper: Newton's third law. You've got to leave something behind.

Brand: You said there were enough resources for both of us!

Cooper: We agreed, Dr. Brand... ninety percent.

Brand: Cooper, you can't ask TARS to do this for us.

Cooper: He's a robot. So you don't have to *ask* him to do anything.

Brand: Cooper, you asshole!

Cooper: Sorry, you broke up a little bit there.

TARS: It's what we intended, Dr. Brand. It's our only chance to save the people on Earth. If I can find a way to transmit the quantum data I'll find in there, they might still make it.

Young Murph: What are you gonna do with it?

Cooper: I'm going to give it something socially responsible to do. Like drive a combine.

Young Murph: Can't we just let it go? It wasn't hurting anybody.

Cooper: This thing needs to learn how to adapt, Murph. Like the rest of us.

Cooper: Everybody ready to say goodbye to our solar system?

Romilly: To our galaxy.

Doyle: Where's the rest?

Brand: Towards the mountains!

Cooper: Those aren't mountains... they're waves.

Brand: Oh shit. Oh shit!

Cooper: That one's moving away from us...

Brand: [struggling through the water] We need the recorder!

Cooper: [he looks in the other direction and sees a mounting wave towering thousands of feet over them] Brand, Doyle, back to the Ranger, now!

Cooper: Oh we are not prepared for this. We have the survival skills of a Boy Scout troop!

Brand: Well we got this far on our brains, further than any human in history.

Cooper: Well not far enough! And now we're stuck *here*, until there won't be anyone on Earth left to save!

Brand: I'm counting every minute, same as you, Cooper.

Cooper: It's hard leaving everything... my kids, your father...

Brand: [cutting him off] We're gonna be spending a lot of time together...

Cooper: We should learn to talk.

Brand: And when not to. Just being honest.

Cooper: I don't think you need to be *that* honest.

Cooper: I'm here now, Murph. I'm here.

Murph: No. No parent should have to watch their own child die. I have my kids here for me now. You go.

Cooper: Where?

Murph: Brand. She's... out there. Setting up camp. Alone, in a strange galaxy. Maybe right now, she's settling in for the long nap. By the light of our new sun. In our new home.

[comforting his daughter]

Cooper: I love you, forever. You hear me? I love you forever. And I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

Cooper: We're still pioneers, we barely begun. Our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, cause our destiny lies above us.

Murph: Hey Dad.

Cooper: Hey, Murph.

Murph: You son of a bitch. I never made one of these when you were still responding because I was so mad at you for leaving. And then when you went quiet, it felt like I should live with that decision, and I have. But today is my birthday. And it's a special one, because you told me... you once told me that when you come back we might be the same age. And today I'm the same age you were when you left.

[she begins to cry]

Murph: So it would be a real good time for you to come back.

[Murph wipes the tears from her eyes and ends the message]

Cooper: You'd do this for us?

TARS: Before you get all teary, try to remember that as a robot, I have to do anything you say.

Cooper: Your cue light's broken.

TARS: I'm not joking. *Flashes cue light*

Brand: Couldn't you've told her you were going to save the world?

Cooper: No. When you become a parent, one thing becomes really clear. And that's that you want to make sure your children feel safe. And that rules out telling a 10-year old that the world's ending.

Brand: Maybe we've spent too long trying to figure all this out with theory.

Cooper: You're a scientist, Brand.

Brand: So listen to me, when I say that love is not something we invented. It's observable, powerful. It has to mean something.

Cooper: Love has meaning, yes. Social utility, social bonding, child rearing...

Brand: We love people who've died. Where's the "social utility" in that?

Cooper: None.

Cooper: We wanna get down fast, don't we?

Brand: Actually we want to get there in one piece.

Cooper: Hang on.

Cooper: I'm coming back...

Young Murph: [crying] When?

TARS: Cooper, they didn't bring us here to change the past.

Cooper: Say that again.

TARS: They didn't bring us here to change the past.

Cooper: [realizing] But they didn't bring us here at all. We brought ourselves. TARS, give me the coordinates for NASA, in binary.

TARS: In binary, roger, feeding data.

[Cooper creates the binary lines in the dust on Murphy's bedroom floor]

Murph: It's not a ghost... it's gravity.

Cooper: Don't you get it yet, TARS? I brought myself here! We're here to communicate with the three-dimensional world! We're the bridge! I thought they chose me. But they didn't choose me, they chose her!

TARS: For what, Cooper?

Cooper: To save the world! All of this, is one little girl's bedroom, every moment! It's infinitely complex! They have access, to infinite time and space, but they're not *bound* by anything! They can't find a specific place *in* time, they can't communicate. That's why I'm here. I'm gonna find a way to tell Murph, just like I found this moment.

TARS: How, Cooper?

Cooper: Love, TARS, love. It's just like Brand said. My connection with Murph, it is quantifiable. It's the key!

TARS: What are we here to do?

Cooper: Find how to tell her... The watch... The watch. That's it. We code the data into the movement of the second hand. TARS, translate the data into Morse and feed it to me.

TARS: Translating data to Morse. Cooper, what if she never came back for it?

Cooper: She will. She will.

Getty: [watching for Tom] Murph I can see his car! He's coming, Murph!

Murph: Okay. I'm coming down!

TARS: How do you know?

Cooper: Because I gave it to her.

Murph: [rushing downstairs with the watch] He came back! It was him! All this time, I didn't, I didn't know it was him! Dad's gonna save us!

Brand: I'm not gonna make it!

Cooper: Yes you are, yes you are!

Cooper: Well, this little maneuver's gonna cost us 51 years!

Brand: You don't sound so bad for a man pushing 120!

Cooper: After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, "Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids." I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future.

Romilly: Of all these anomalies, the most significant is this: out near Saturn, a disturbance of space-time.

Cooper: It's a wormhole?

Romilly: Appeared 48 years ago.

Cooper: And, it leads where?

Dr. Brand: Another galaxy.

Cooper: A wormhole's not a naturally occurring phenomenon...

Brand: Someone placed it there.

Cooper: "They."

Brand: And whoever they are, they appear to be looking out for us. That wormhole, lets us travel to other stars. Came along right as we needed it.

Doyle: They've put potentially habitable worlds right within our reach. Twelve, in fact, from our initial probes.

Cooper: You send probes into that?

Doyle: Mm-hm.

Dr. Brand: We sent *people* into it. Ten years ago.

Cooper: The Lazarus missions.

Dr. Brand: Twelve possible worlds, twelve Ranger launches, carrying the bravest humans ever to live. Led by the remarkable Dr. Mann.

Doyle: Each person's landing pod had enough life support for two years, but they could use hibernation to stretch that, making observations on organics over a decade or more. Their mission was to assess their world, and if it showed potential, then they could send out a signal, bed down for the long nap, wait to be rescued.

Cooper: And what if the world didn't show promise?

Doyle: Hence the bravery.

Young Murph: Dad?

Cooper: Sorry, Murph. Go back to bed.

Young Murph: I thought you were the ghost.

Cooper: There are no such things as ghosts, babe.

Young Murph: Grandpa says you can get ghosts.

Cooper: Maybe that's because Grandpa is a little too close to being one himself. Go back to bed.

Cooper: Look, I'm glad you're excited about gravity, bud, but you're not getting anymore answers until I get assurances.

Williams: Assurances?

Cooper: [Covers Murph's ears] Yeah. Like that we're getting out of here. And I don't mean in the trunk of some car.

Cooper: If we find a home, then what?

Cooper: Get the patch kit.

Young Tom: How am I supposed to patch it?

Cooper: Figure it out. I'm not always gonna be here to help you.

Cooper: [Cooper sits to watch the video messages left for him over the years] Cooper.

Computer: Messages span twenty-three years.

Cooper: Play from the beginning.

[message from Tom starts playing]

Young Tom: Hey, Dad. Checkin' in, sayin' hi. Um... finished second in school, Miss Carlin's still giving me Cs though. Pulled me down, but second's not bad. Grandpa attended the ceremony. Um... oh, I met another girl, dad. I, uh... I really think this is the one. Her name is Lois. That's her right there.

[Tom holds up a photo of Lois, Cooper, overwhelmed with emotion, begins weeping]

Young Tom: Murphy stole grandpa's car. She crashed it, she's okay though.

Tom: [we see another message from Tom showing him as an adult] Hey, Dad. Look at this!

[Tom holds up his baby next to him]

Tom: You're a grandpa. His name's Jesse. I kind of wanted to call him Coop, but, Lois says maybe next time.

Lois: [to Jesse] Say bye-bye Grandpa. Bye-bye Grandpa.

Tom: [Cooper continues to watch his messages, the next one shows Tom looking despondent] Sorry it's been a while. Just... what with Jesse and all. Uh... grandpa died last week. We buried him out in the back plot next to mom and... Jesse. Just where we would've buried you if you'd ever... come back. Murph was there at the funeral. We don't see her that much, but she came for that.

Tom: [Tom hesitates] You're not listening to this, I know that. All these messages are just... drifting out there in the darkness. Lois says that, uh... I have to let you go. And, uh... so, I guess... I'm letting you go. I don't know where you are, Dad. But I hope that wherever you are you're at peace. Goodbye.

[Tom turns off the camera, Cooper touches the screen not wanting to let go when suddenly a message from a now adult Murph comes up]

Cooper: Murph. You have to talk to me, Murph. I have to fix this, before I go.

Young Murph: I'll keep it broken so you have to stay.

Murph: How'd it go?

Cooper: I got you suspended.

[Cooper is sitting at a parent/teacher meeting with the principal and one of Murph's teachers who wants to punish Murph for believing in the Apollo mission to the moon]

Ms. Kelly: Murph got into a fistfight with several of her classmates over this Apollo nonsense. So we thought it would be best to bring you in and see what ideas you might have for dealing with her behavior on the home front.

Cooper: Alright, yeah, you know what? There's a game tomorrow night. She's going through a bit of a baseball phase. Her favorite team's playing, There's gonna be candy and soda...

[smiles]

Cooper: I think I'll take her to that.

[cut to Cooper walking back to his truck, quietly whistling]

Young Murph: How'd it go?

Cooper: [awkwardly] I got you suspended.

Cooper: Detach!

Brand: Goodbye TARS.

TARS: Good-bye Dr. Brand. See you on the other side Coop.

Cooper: See you there slick!

Cooper: What happens if he blows the airlock?

TARS: Nothing good...

Cooper: We'll find a way, Professor, we always have.

Dr. Brand: Driven by the unshakeable faith, the Earth is ours?

Cooper: Not just ours, no. But it is our home.

Cooper: Did it work?

TARS: I think it might have.

Cooper: How do you know?

TARS: Because, the bulk beings are closing the tesseract.

Cooper: Don't you get it yet, TARS? They're not *beings*... they're us! What I've been doing for Murph, they're doing for me, for all of us.

TARS: Cooper, people couldn't build this.

Cooper: No. No, not yet. But one day. Not you and me, but a people, a civilization that's evolved beyond the four dimensions we know.

[the tesseract closes around him in a brilliant flash of light]

Cooper: What happens now?

[he sees the Endurance on its flight through the wormhole, touches Brand's hand through the space-time distortion]

Brand: Very graceful.

Cooper: No. But very efficient.

[after Mann breaks Cooper's helmet and leaves him for dead]

Dr. Mann: I'm sorry. I can't watch you go through this. I'm sorry. I thought I could, but I can't. I'm here. I'm here for you. Just listen to my voice, Cooper. I'm right here. You're not alone.

Dr. Mann: [looking back] Do you see your children? It's okay, they're right there with you.

Dr. Mann: [last words to Cooper as he turns to leave] Did Professor Brand tell you that poem before you left? Do you remember? "Do not go gentle... into that good night. Old age should burn and rave at close of day. Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

[Mann switches off his transmitter as Cooper chokes; Cooper manages to get his long-range transmitter reinstalled]

Cooper: [gasping] BRAND! HELP! HELP!

Cooper: Cooper? CASE! Go! Go!

Cooper: No... No air... ammonia...

Brand: Cooper, we're coming! Hang in there, don't talk! Try to breathe as little as possible, we're almost there!

[Cooper returns to see Murph as an old woman]

Cooper: It was me, Murph... I was your ghost.

Murph: I know. They didn't believe me, they thought I was doing it all myself. But...

[points to the watch]

Murph: I knew who it was.

Dr. Mann: Your father had to find another way to save the human race from extinction. Plan B. A colony.

Brand: But why not tell people? Why keep building those damn stations?

Dr. Mann: Because he knew how hard it would be to get people to work together to save the species instead of themselves.

Cooper: Bullshit.

Dr. Mann: You never would have come here unless you believed you were going to save them. Evolution has yet to transcend that simple barrier. We can care deeply - selflessly - about those we know, but that empathy rarely extends beyond our line of sight.

Brand: But the lie... that monstrous lie...

Dr. Mann: Unforgivable. And he knew that. He was prepared to destroy his own humanity in order to save the species. He made an incredible sacrifice...

Cooper: No. No, the incredible sacrifice is being made by the people on Earth who are gonna die! Because in his fucking arrogance he declared their case hopeless.

Dr. Mann: I'm sorry Cooper. Their case... is hopeless.

Cooper: No... no.

Dr. Mann: We are the future.

Cooper: [the ranger won't take off] CASE, what's the problem?

CASE: Too waterlogged. Let it drain.

Cooper: GODDAMN IT!

[smashes the dashboard]

Brand: I told you to leave me.

Cooper: And I told you to get your ass back here!

Brand: Why didn't you leave me?

Cooper: The difference is one of us was thinking about the mission, Brand!

[Cooper punches the wall next to Brand's head]

Brand: Cooper, you were thinking about getting home! I was trying to do the right thing!

Cooper: You tell that to Doyle!

Cooper: We agreed Amelia. 90%.

Cooper: Disengage Endurance Two

Brand: [reuniting with Romilly, after just a few hours on Miller's planet, deep in Gargantua's gravity well] Hello, Rom.

Romilly: I've waited years.

Cooper: How... How many years?

Romilly: By now it must be...

TARS: It's twenty-three years, four months, eight days.

Romilly: Doyle?

[Cooper stares at floor, walks past]

Brand: I thought I was prepared. I knew the theory, I... Reality's different.

Romilly: Miller?

Brand: There's nothing here for us.

Cooper: Who's they?

TARS: Sir, I'm having trouble completing the bootup.

Romilly: I don't understand.

TARS: There is a security lockout, sir, it requires a person to access function. It's all yours, sir.

[Romilly accesses archives]

Romilly: [confused] This data makes no sense.

Cooper: [lying on the floor of the Ranger after the fight with Mann] I'm sorry.

Brand: What?

Cooper: Mann... was lying! Go, go! Romilly!

Brand: [transmitting] Romilly! Romilly, do you read me, Romilly? Romilly!

[Romilly puts in his ear piece]

TARS: [realizing that KIPP has been booby-trapped] Step back professor! STEP BACK!

[Mann's landing pod explodes with TARS and Romilly inside]

Cooper: [the ranger's engines are waterlogged, needing time to dry before they can leave Miller's planet] CASE! How much time?

CASE: 45 to an hour.

Cooper: Agh!

[removes helmet]

Cooper: The stuff of life, huh? What's this gonna cost us, Brand?

Brand: [devastated] A lot. Decades.

Cooper: God... What happened to Miller?

Brand: Judging by the... wreckage, she was broken up by a wave soon after impact.

Cooper: How does the wreckage stay together after all these years, huh?

Brand: Because of the time slippage. On this planet's time, she just landed hours ago, she... she probably just died minutes ago.

[while landing on Miller's planet]

CASE: We should ease.

Cooper: Hands where I can see 'em, CASE! The only time I ever went down was when a machine was easing at the wrong time.

CASE: A little caution...

Cooper: Will get you killed, just like reckless driving.

Doyle: Cooper, it's too damn fast!

Cooper: I got this.

CASE: Should I disable the feedback?

Cooper: No. I need to feel the air.

Cooper: I'm sorry.

Brand: What?

Cooper: Mann... was lying!

Cooper: Come on, TARS!

TARS: Cooper, There's no point using fuel to chase...

Cooper: Analyze the Endurance's spin

Dr. Brand: Cooper, what are you doing?

Cooper: Docking.

[They land on Miller's Planet, which has severe gravitational time dilation]

Brand: [sardonically] Very graceful.

Cooper: No. But very efficient.

[He looks at Doyle, who has been alarmed by the landing, and then at Brand]

Cooper: What are you waiting for? Let's go. Go, go, go, go go! Seven years per hour here. Let's make it count.

[as the Endurance is about to enter the wormhole]

Cooper: Any trick to this, Doyle?

Doyle: No one knows.

Cooper: Well, the others made it, right?

Doyle: ...at least some of them.

[Cooper glares at Doyle]

Brand: We love people who have died. Where's the social utility in that?

Cooper: None.

Brand: Maybe it means something more, something we can't... yet, understand. Maybe it's some evidence, some... artifact of a higher dimension that we can't consciously perceive. I'm drawn across the universe to someone I haven't seen in a decade... who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving... that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can't understand it yet. All right, Cooper... yes... the tiniest possibility of seeing Wolf again excites me. That doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Cooper: Honestly, Amelia... it might. TARS, chart a course for Dr. Mann's.

Cooper: Mann was lying.

Murph: [as Cooper holds his now elderly daughter's hands] Nobody believed me, but I knew you'd come back.

Cooper: How?

Murph: ...Because my dad promised me.

[after the explosion]

Cooper: What's your trust setting, TARS?

TARS: Lower than yours, apparently

Cooper: Dr. Mann there's a 50/50 chance your gonna kill yourself.

Dr. Mann: Those are the best odds I've had in years.

Cooper: [when Dr. Mann betrays him] You fucking coward.

Cooper: Are you crazy? Do you even know where Area 51 even is?

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Between Area 50 and 52?

Cooper: That's exactly what you should say in the video!

Cooper, The Angry Video Game Nerd: I can't even be pissed off and have it mean anything anymore.

Cooper: It's better to get pissed off than to get pissed on!

Cooper: Holy shitsky! She's got them big ass titties! I'd like to bang that booty like... Ugh! Ugh!

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Hey! Stop that! Stop! Always remember the golden rule... "nerds before birds" right?

Sergeant McButter: Whatcha guys got in the back of that big van? Migrant workers? Sex traffic? Drug mules? You all have cocaine stuffed up your butts?

Cooper: No ma'am, just video games.

Cooper: Come on, haven't you had enough?

The Angry Video Game Nerd: A Nerd's work is never done.

Cooper: Well, that's just a stupid line.

The Angry Video Game Nerd: I only said it for the trailer.

Cooper: [High on LSD - just threw a TV set out of the window] CLEARENCE SALE! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

Fisher: Why do you want to get stoned?

Jimmy: We want to get stoned, because it feels good, man.

Fisher: Bingo, because it feels good! You want to get stoned, because it feels good! Right?

Cooper: Right!

Fisher: Wrong!

Cooper: Why is that wrong?

Fisher: Because it's a cop out...

Jimmy: Ok, then can you explain to us why for what other reason than the fact it feels good, do we want to get stoned, man?

Fisher: Because it's our way, of getting closer, to god.

Fisher: That is what you're looking for; except for you didn't know it, until this minute.

[after causing a disruption in the restaurant]

Jimmy: Are you still high from the acid?

Cooper: No... well, maybe a little.

[Susan, the waitress walks up to the table and sets down a tray of food]

Jimmy: We didn't order this.

Susan Taylor: You guys have gotta eat something.

Cooper: Why is that?

Susan Taylor: [smiling] Is this the first time you two have turned on?

[Cooper laughs nervously]

Susan Taylor: Oh, come on fellas, your pupils are like saucers.

Jimmy: What do you know, you're from Iowa.

Susan Taylor: Ohio. And what, do you think California is the only place people drop acid?

[Susan turns around and walks off]

Cooper: [quietly] Was I that obvious?

[from trailer]

Cooper: Forget it Jimmy, I'm 19. I don't wanna go to Vietnam. Do you?

Hooligan: So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yarbles!

[laughs]

Cooper: Wow. You guys are on like a completely different level of swearing over here.

[repeated line]

Cooper: This isn't where I parked my car.

Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!

Truck Driver: Hello!

Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.

Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.

Cooper: What did he say?

Scott: He said he's driving, something...

Scott: [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?

Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.

Scott: Berlin!

Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.

Scott: He's going to Berlin.

Jamie: Awesome.

Truck Driver: [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.

Scott: All right, come on, let's go.

[the group get in the back of the truck]

Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.

Cooper: I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

Jenny: It says here this town has a famous nude beach.

Cooper: Alright, look, we can't all just lie around all day, we've got to get out there and experience the culture first hand!

Cooper: Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!

[after taking a drink of Absinthe]

Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper: Me neither.

Scott: Sober as a judge.

[to a hallucinatory green fairy]

Scott: How about you?

Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!

Scott: [after being told they can get a flight to London] Anything else?

Cooper: Europe is like the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.

Scott: Cooper, England's an island.

Cooper: OK, swim, whatever. We'll take it.

Cooper: [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.

[lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]

Cooper: No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.

[hangs up]

Scott: You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

Cooper: They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.

Cooper: This is DEFINITELY where I parked my car.

[repeated line]

Cooper: You guys are the worst twins ever.

Scott: I told her to keep her hands off my genitals.

Cooper: Well given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want

Cooper: All right. Stay black, Bert.

Cooper: This is just so brutal, and yet I can't look away.

Cooper: You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

Scott: You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?

Cooper: It's my passion!

Cooper: Hello Mr. Walters... I see... fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand... goodbye, sir.

Scott: They had to catch you eventually.

Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.

Scott: Shut up!

Cooper: I got his office and a raise!

Madame Vandersexxx: [Screams] On, on, VANDERSEXXX!

[the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix]

Madame Vandersexxx: Hans, Gruber!

[Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room]

Cooper: [nervously] Hi. So, are the girls coming back?

Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!

Cooper: [grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off] Huh? What? Hey!

[the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches]

Cooper: [panics as he pulls out the paper with the "safe word", but mispronounces it] Safe word! What is that? That's not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?

Cooper: [jumps into the hot tub with Candy in it] Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!

Candy: Cooper Harris, you're a pig!

[starts getting out]

Cooper: Wait, Candy. Before you go, you might want to clean that off.

Candy: Clean what off?

Cooper: It's like dirt or something. Go like this.

[shows her how to rub her breast]

Cooper: No, just cut it under. To the side, and under.

Candy: Is it off?

Cooper: No. I think your top is getting in the way.

Candy: Really?

Cooper: Trust me.

[Candy takes off her top]

Cooper: That's better. But keep rubbing it!

[she rubs]

Cooper: No, it's just not coming off.

Candy: [looks at her chest] Well, what is it?

Cooper: Oh, I'll do it. Come here.

[Cooper starts reaching for Candy's breasts]

Missy: [walks in with three jocks] Oh my God, Candy!

Candy: [covers herself] Cooper!

Cooper: [looks at the jocks] Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.

[last lines]

Scott: [on the phone with Cooper and Jenny] Hold on, this must be my new roommate.

[Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there]

Cooper: [yelling over the phone] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?

Scott: I just got your last email. What are you doing here?

Mieke: Going to college.

Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?

Mieke: This one. Room 2-1-4.

Scott: How is this possible?

Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.

Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

[Scotty and Mieke kiss]

Cooper: [over the phone] Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?

[Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out]

Cooper: Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!

Green Fairy: [Green Fairy appears] This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here!

[makes the words The End appear with his wand, flies away]

Cooper: Jenny, that outfit is terrible! Take it off, now!

Cooper: Show her the picture. She makes every girl in our high school look like a walrus.

Jenny: I'm a girl from your high school.

Cooper: No, I mean *girl* girls.

Cooper: What the hell is that?

Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says as long as you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything.

Scott: Except your dignity.

Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Scott: Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!

Cooper: [singing] Oh we don't need no water, let the mother-...

Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!

Scott: I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!

Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.

Scott: No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!

Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.

Jamie: [pulls out Frommer's guide book] And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!

Scott: You brought a guide book to a party?

Jamie: You wanna see my itinerary?

Cooper: You wanna see my balls?

Cooper: There's got to be a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with every one of them!

Jenny: Hello. Mixed company?

Cooper: What?

Jenny: I'm a girl.

Scott: No, you're not.

Cooper: Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.

Cooper: Can we please just get out of here, this guy's really creeping me out.

Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.

Cooper: Hey, I really don't like him.

Scott: Why, just because he's doing this?

[starts acting like a robot making robot noises]

Cooper: Seriously, don't do that.

Scott: [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...

[Robot noises]

Scott: Freaky.

Cooper: You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.

Scott: Yeah, it was at first, but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends. He's a really cool guy.

[starts to type]

Scott: Dear Mike, greetings from your American pen pal.

Cooper: Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and make a wind chime out of your genitals.

Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam and *Jamie's* the one who hooks up? For shame!

Scott: Which way did they go?

Cooper: [pointing] That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Scott: Good enough for me.

[goes the other way]

Cooper: What's the etiquette on boners? Do I role over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

Scott, Cooper: [seeing Jamie and Jenny making out] Oh, my God!

Green Fairy: That is some pretty fucked-up shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?

Jamie: I spent the last four years tutoring the lacrosse players just to pay for it. So nobody touches my camera but me.

Cooper: So it's like your wiener.

Jamie: No, it's not like my- Jenny!

Jenny: Cooper! Leave him alone.

[Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from last night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to see both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and also humiliated from the incident at a bakery]

Scott: What did you do last night?

Cooper: I don't wanna talk about it. What did you guys do?

Scott, Jenny: Don't wanna talk about it.

Scott: [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?

Cooper: Free t-shirt.

Cooper: Check this out! I'm the Pope!

Scott: Cooper, take off the Pope hat!

Cooper: Oh no, it's okay, I'm Catholic.

Scott: So, have you guys decided where you're gonna go first?

Jenny: Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister Debbie met this really wealthy French guy, and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.

Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl.

Scott: Kinda gay.

Cooper: A little gay.

Cooper: This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on earth.

Scott: Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

Cooper: Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.

Scott: What are you talking about?

Cooper: I'm talking about crazy European sex.

Scott: Ah.

Scott: There are so many... penises.

Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen.

Cooper: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!

Scott: It's the International House of Sausage!

Cooper: There's your R rating right there.

Cooper: Ha ha, look at Jamie's penis.

Madame Vandersexxx: Welcome to Club Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club. Where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

Cooper: Also, says I get a free t-shirt with the flyer.

Madame Vandersexxx: He is American. How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes. A country over run with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

Cooper: It was horrible.

Madame Vandersexxx: I know, but you can come with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.

Cooper: [sees girl bending over at a vending machine] Check it out! European ass.

Jenny: [straightens and turns around] What's up?

Cooper: Oh Jesus, Jenny, I thought you were some girl.

[Cooper's ringtune goes off and it's 'Scotty Doesn't Know.']

Cooper: Oh... that's me.

Cooper: So who's Cristoff?

Jenny: I don't wanna talk about it.

[Takes bottle of alchoal and drinks it all]

Cooper: So how's Cristoff?

Jenny: I don't wanna talk about it.

[Takes bottle of alcohol and drinks it all]

Scott: We're going to be couriers?

Cooper: Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.

Scott: Yeah?

Cooper: Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. But he got there cheap.

Jenny: [furious that Jamie was mugged during oral sex] All of our money. Our passports! Our tickets! Everything! Gone!

Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame!

Cooper: Well, there's your R-rating right there.

[in a building that is about to explode]

Cooper: What's the strategy, sir?

Sir James: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up!

Miss Moneypenny: I really have to note your qualifications.

Cooper: Height: six foot two and a half. 184 pounds. Trophies for karate and judo, holder of the Kama Sutra black belt.

Miss Moneypenny: Very impressive. How do you spell that?

Cooper: I'll show you!

Cooper: What's the strategy sir?

Sir James: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up.

[during a session in which Cooper is being trained to resist women]

Cooper: It goes against my nature, you know.

The Detainer: I sense that, too. What are you doing after the exercise?

Cooper: Having my head examined.

Miss Moneypenny: [Kissing on a bed] And what is your name?

Cooper: Cooper, big eyes; but, don't be formal, call me Coop.

Miss Moneypenny: It sounds like something for keeping birds.

Cooper: That's me!

Sir James: From now on, all remaining agents and trainees will be known as James Bond 007, including the girls.

Cooper: Won't that be rather confusing, sir?

Sir James: Exactly! The enemy won't know which way to turn. You are now, James Bond.

Miss Moneypenny: Congratulations, 007.

Cooper: And you, 007, sir.

Sir James: Good hunting, 007!

Lorelei: [Kisses Cooper] Doesn't that do something to you, 007?

Cooper: It does. But, I'm being trained to ignore it. Beauty's only skin deep.

Lorelei: How 'bout some skin diving?

Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.

Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.

Mike: You do now!

[Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand]

Cooper: My latte!

Cooper: Hulse, I want you to put a special mike on him tonight, one that isolates everything he plays from the rest of the orchestra. Carson, you link it into the GBLX 1000 computer.

Maddy: The GBLX?

Cooper: Yeah. That thing'll break any code.

Maddy: But that's in control of our entire missile defense system!

Cooper: Honey, will you please - what are the odds of the Russians attacking on a Thursday night?

Hulse: Here's where he varied from the program. That has to be the message. We fed the notes into the computer.

Cooper: [reading] "ARDIE BETGO INDYO CEFAR OGGEL." What the hell is this?

Hulse: I don't know.

Carson: Oh, come on, can't you see? He's rubbing our noses in it! Let's just pick him up and put an end to it.

Cooper: [frowning] Is this "cefar oh-gle" or "cefar oggle"?

Hulse: Oh-gle.

Cooper: "Oh-gle"?

Hulse: Could be "oggle."

Carson: How'd it go, sir?

Cooper: Great. I haven't felt this good since I overthrew the government of Chile.

Richard: [Looking at Maddy's richly decorated apartment] All this on just a tour guide's salary?

Maddy: I'll let you in on a little secret. My uncle, Burt, owns the company.

[She's talking towards to 2-way mirror, where Cooper and the others are watching]

Cooper: Adorable.

Cooper: Professor Chermenko, what about that handwriting?

Professor Chermenko: Ah. Richard Drew is a complex man, filled to the breaking point with psychological conflicts. His violin is a substitute for severe anger and repression.

[pause]

Professor Chermenko: *Sexual* repression.

Mackay: I'm going to book you for that.

Cooper: You what?

Mackay: What's your name, Cooper?

Cooper: [pause] Cooper.

Matt: [after he gets caught singing a show tune by Cooper] Oh fuck me!

Cooper: What were you just doing?

Matt: What? Nothing!

Cooper: Oh no, don't tell me nothing, you were just singing a show tune!

Matt: You're crazy, I'd never do that.

Cooper: You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!

Matt: I am suicidal.

Cooper: You're not even depressed!

Matt: Of course I'm depressed, look at me.

[hunches over]

Matt: I'm very fucking depressed.

Cooper: You fucking poser!

Matt: [loses his accent] Hey man, I'm not a fucking...

Cooper: You're not even British!

Cliff: I really shouldn't be driving, I have a suspended license.

Cooper: Really? For what?

Cliff: Attempted vehiclular manslaughter... whatever the FUCK that means!

Cooper: You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!

Cliff: Do you guys ever get really horny?

Cooper: Depends where you're going with this.

Cooper: Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?

Josh: I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!

Cooper: You had sex last night didn't you?

Josh: That's a nice shirt.

Cooper: I can hear my heartbeat through my penis!

[handing back a trophy]

Cooper: Here's your dildo.

Cooper: I need my Jimmy!

Josh: No Jimmy, repeat: no Jimmy.

Josh: I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.

Cooper: Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.

Josh: Then you kill YOURself.

Cooper: Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

Cooper: My father's right. I'm a fuck-up. I'm a total fuck-up. You may be having this little holiday in Fuck-up Land, but I live here permanently.

Cooper: You know what my dad does for a living? He cleans toilets. Yeah, he own this whole, toilet cleaning company and it's big. It's huge. And he's an incredible... asshole!

[chuckles]

Cooper: Yeah I call him Flushles, the Toilet Cleaning Clown...

Matt: [singing] My words in my sperm, spewing forth my tragic...

Matt: What the fuck do you two what?

Josh: Are you a musician?

Cooper: Are you in a band?

Matt: Kiss... My... Arse.

Josh: What?

[Josh and Cooper look at each other puzzled]

Matt: That's the name of the bleeding band.

Josh: Oh, you're gonna be playing the big pre-finals party.

Matt: Yeah, that's right - if I'm still around.

Cooper: What do you mean?

Matt: And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Loader!

Matt: WOULD YOU PISS OFF AND SHUT MY FUCKING DOOR!

[Josh and Cooper hurriedly close the door, but remain in the room]

Matt: Piss off!

Josh: Oh, Piss off.

Cooper: [On the way out of the room] What the fuck does piss off mean?

Josh: There's only one thing that can save you now.

Cooper: What? Valium?

Josh: No, studying! You need to study.

Cooper: What? You're insane!

Cooper: [caught by their clueless friends, Cooper grabs Josh and pretends to have an intimate moment with him in the bushes] Can we have some privacy, please?

Cooper: [the friends leave] That was close.

Josh: Cooper, they're probably thinking we're making out here.

Cooper: [amused] I know, they're totally in the dark.

Josh: [discussing their flawed plan at the same time their friends are on the other side of the door thinking it's a lovers quarrel] Neither of us have ever done anything like this before so if we're gonna go through it, I want us to be safe!

Cooper: Oh fine, I just thought you and I were tight back there. Just don't ever pull out on me again.

Josh: I pulled out because I don't think you know what you're doing.

Cooper: I'm taking over from here! You know Josh, you are so anal!

[all the friends run after this]

Daisy: I'm a mess.

Cooper: Yeah, me too.

Daisy: You're such an asshole.

Cooper: Maybe. But I'm not an *ivy league* asshole.

Cooper: Lewis, I've always felt that there was a spark between us. I don't know, I can't explain it. Something about you has always made my skin tingle when we touch. My heart pounds when I think about you naked. Every expression on your face is chiseled into my memory. I don't know why, it just is. And you're the only man who's made me feel like that. So am I gay? Am I bisexual? If I was, wouldn't I feel like that for another man? I don't, just you! Only you.

Lewis: What's something else you've done that's sexually crazy?

Cooper: The dog licked my balls once. Does that count?

Lewis: Ewww! No! Why did you let the dog lick your balls?

Cooper: Well, I didn't LET him, he caught me by surprise.

Lewis: What were you doing so the dog could... Never mind.

Lewis: Okay, let's hear it.

Cooper: Hear what?

Lewis: "I'm not gay, I like women, I was just" dot-dot-dot. Choose from the following. A: Curious. B: Drunk. C: Horny. Followed up by: "And there was a willing mouth in the room, so..."

Cooper: You got your Freud in my Dr. Ruth.

Lewis: You got your Dr. Ruth in my Freud.

[Best friends Lewis and Cooper had sex]

Cooper: Lewis, it was fun and I'm glad that it was with you, but once is enough.

Lewis: You can't stop at just one. Think of me as your personal bag of potato chips.

Cooper: You both make my fingers greasy?

Lewis: Hey, all new fathers get nervous.

Cooper: What if I sit on him?

Lewis: Why would you sit on him?

Cooper: Well, not intentionally!

Lewis: I had a very handsome younger brother. When we were kids, people would look at him and say, "You are so cute!" And then they'd look at me and say, "Uh, he must be the smart one."

Cooper: Hey, we can't all be Farrahs. Somebody's gotta be Kate Jackson.

Lewis: Coop, what do you tell your wife?

Cooper: What do you mean?

Lewis: Well, every year for the past four years we've met in this same hotel room. It's the day before your anniversary. What does she think?

Cooper: I tell her one of my buddies is sick and in the hospital, I have to go see him. So far, four of my closest imaginary friends have died.

Lewis: Belinda doesn't strike me as being stupid.

Cooper: She's not. She's just... trusting.

Lewis: You can't expect me to throw wood when your pregnant wife is calling wondering where you are.

Cooper: She's not here, Lewis. You are, and I am. Us! One day a year. Let's just hit the pause button on our lives, just turn the lights off on the world. For one day. We have one day to grind and sweat and moan and not care about anything.

Cooper: She's not my other half. She doesn't complete me.

Lewis: Complete you? Has the Lifetime channel gone Clockwork Orange on your ass?

Cooper: I got such a bangover.

Cooper: I get more ass than a toilet seat at the Lilith Fair.

Treasure: Has anyone ever told you you look like Brad Pitt?

Cooper: No. They haven't.

Treasure: Good, because you don't.

Sage: [lies in bed, cuddling Cooper, then wakes up, and clears his throat] Thanks for letting me crash here...

Cooper: It's cool... Hey, don't tell anybody, okay?

Sage: [confused] Don't tell anybody what?

Cooper: ...Nothing...

[at this, Sage smells his own fingers]

Charlie Chan: I remember you since last time I arrest you. Is six years ago in Singapore, remember?

Cooper: Yeah, I remember.

Charlie Chan: Very great pleasure to arrest you again, Mr. Cooper.

Cooper: Lately I've been filled with the knowledge that the killer will strike again. But because it is just a feeling, I am powerless to stop it. One more thing, Albert. When the next murder happens, you will help me solve it.

Albert: Let's test it for the record. Will the next victim be a man or a woman?

Cooper: A woman.

Albert: All right. What color hair will she have?

Cooper: Blonde.

Albert: Tell me some other things about her.

Cooper: She's in high school. She is sexually active. She is using drugs. She's crying out for help.

Albert: Well damn, Cooper, that really narrows it down. You're talking about half the high school girls in America!

Cooper: [into his mini-tape recorder] Diane, it's 4:20pm. I'm standing here at the Wind River near the location where the body of Teresa Banks was found. Diane, this case gives me a strange feeling. Not only has Special Agent Chester Desmond dissappeared without a trace, but this is one of Cole's blue rose cases. The clues that were found by Special Agent Desmond and Agent Stanley have led to dead ends. The letter that was extracted from beneath the fingernail of Teresa Banks gives me the feeling that the killer will strike again. But like the song goes, "who knows where, or when?"

Jeffries: Well now, I'm not gonna talk about Judy. In fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it.

Cooper: [bewildered] Gordon?

Gordon: I KNOW, COOP!

Jeffries: Who do you think this is there?

Albert: Suffered some bumps on the old noggin, hey, Phil?

Gordon: WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY THERE, ALBERT? THAT'S SPECIAL AGENT DALE COOPER! FOR GOD'S SAKES, JEFFRIES, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU'VE BEEN GONE DAMN NEAR TWO YEARS!

Jeffries: The stories that I wanna tell you about...

Cooper: Don't take the ring, Laura.

[Cooper and Carl look at the space where Desmond vanished]

Cooper: What was here, Mr. Rodd?

Carl: A trailer was here, what the hell do you think?

Cooper: Can you tell me whose trailer it was, and who stayed in it?

Carl: Uh, an old woman, and her grandson.

Cooper: Can you tell me what their names were?

Carl: Chalfont. As a matter of fact, 'Chalfont' was the name of the people that rented this space before. Two Chalfonts. Weird, huh?

Cooper: Thank you Carl. Sorry to wake you.

Carl: That's okay. I was having a bad dream anyway.

Kathleen: You are in big trouble.

Cooper: She's in my ballet.

Kathleen: Oh please. She's a heartbeat away from tattooing your name on her ass.

Jody: That class, I mean, how come I can't dance like that in my ABA class?

Cooper: Because ABA has a great big stick up its ass?

Cooper: If you're still holding onto all that personal shit.

Jonathan Reeves: I don't have to hold onto anything. I got the girl.

Dr. Weir: [describing how the Event Horizon functions] The ship doesn't really go faster than light; what it does is it creates a dimensional gateway that allows it to jump instantaneously from one point of the universe to another light years away.

Lt. Starck, Executive Officer: How?

Dr. Weir: [stammering] Well, that's - that's difficult to - it's all math...

Miller: Try us, Doctor.

Dr. Weir: Right. Well, um, using layman's terms... Use a retaining magnetic field to focus a narrow beam of gravitons - these, in turn, fold space-time consistent with Weyl tensor dynamics until the space-time curvature becomes infinitely large, and you produce a singularity. Now, the singularity...

Miller: [interrupting] "Layman's terms"?

Cooper: Well, fuck layman's terms! Do you speak English?

Miller: The funky spaceman over there is Mr. Cooper; what exactly is it you do on board this ship Coop?

Cooper: Listen up doc. I'm your best friend, ok? I'm the lifesaver and the heartbreaker.

[Starck laughs in derision]

Miller: He's a rescue technician.

Cooper: [calling Justin back and handing him his toolkit] Oh whoa, honey, honey, you forgot your briefcase!

Cooper: Stark? Would you like something hot and black inside you?

[Stark gives him the finger]

Cooper: Oooh! Is that an offer?

Lt. Starck, Executive Officer: [smiles] It is not.

Cooper: Well how about some coffee, then?

Miller: Mr. Cooper!

Cooper: Skipper!

Miller: Ion Drive in 10 minutes.

Cooper: Ooh! It's time to play Spam in a Can!

[Purging his airtank for propulsion to get him back to Event Horizon]

Cooper: [shouting] Here I come, motherfucker!

Cooper: I'm back! I'm back, baby! I'm back!

Cooper: If I don't have a beer in this hand and a brat in the other, I'm gonna lose it!

Cooper: I Wanna Bone My T.A.

Alison Drake: Listen, Cooper, no more flowers. Don't get sentimental. Understand?

Cooper: But, Alison?

Alison Drake: Miss Drake.

Cooper: But last night?

Alison Drake: Forget last night.

Cooper: But, out at your home, I...

Alison Drake: This is my office. I'm only interested in making automobiles here. That's what you're being paid for. Is that plain?

Cooper: Yes. I guess it is.

Alison Drake: That'll be all.