Conrad Valmont Quotes in The Longest Week (2014)


Conrad Valmont Quotes:

  • Barry the Therapist: What are you going to do? You have no home.

    Conrad Valmont: Move in with Dylan, of course.

    Barry the Therapist: How about money?

    Conrad Valmont: I'd need some, thank you. Yes.

  • [repeated line]

    Dylan Tate: Don't try anything.

    Conrad Valmont: I won't!

  • Dylan Tate: You're walking down a very dangerous road, my friend.

    Conrad Valmont: What road is that?

    Dylan Tate: The road to Fantasy Land. And when you take a trip to Fantasy Land you should always have a return ticket.

    Conrad Valmont: I don't even know what that means.

    Dylan Tate: At some point you're gonna have to come to the same realization I did.

    Conrad Valmont: What's that?

    Dylan Tate: The rest of the world is never gonna love you as much as your parents do.

    Conrad Valmont: Weren't you adopted?

  • Conrad Valmont: You can always tell what someone thinks of you by who they set you up with.

  • Conrad Valmont: [Watching girls play football in the park] Is it wrong to be aroused by a bunch of 17-year-old girls running around with knee-high socks and polyester shorts?

    Dylan Tate: Well, I guess that's a decision every man has to make for himself, but yes, obviously yes.

  • Conrad Valmont: [Looking at an abstract painting] A car, right? You see the... you see just the headlights?

    Beatrice Fairbanks: It's a female orgasm. I think it's kind of clear.

    Conrad Valmont: That the driver is having?

  • [first lines]

    Conrad Valmont: I, I think that there's something wrong with me. For some reason, I find that the girls that I like as human beings I'm not sexually attracted to, and the ones that I am sexually attracted to I don't particularly like as human beings. And on the rare occasion when one falls in both categories, they usually have a boyfriend or a husband - and Lord knows I've got enough of that bad karma to last me a lifetime.

    Barry the Therapist: These are classic Freudian symptoms, Conrad. Haven't you ever read about defense mechanisms?

    Conrad Valmont: Actually, I've always considered myself more of a Jungian.

  • Narrator: Conrad was the son of a Parisian entrepreneur and a Caledonian debutante. His father, Jean-Louis Valmont, owned the Valmont Hotel as had his father and his father before him. Their country home in Great Neck was the pantheon of summer gatherings. On the eve of his 51st year, Jean-Louis took Conrad's mother to the south of France on what was to be a weekend excursion. It had since turned into a lavish escapade around the world lasting nearly three decades. Over the subsequent years, Conrad was raised by the Valmont's staff. His chauffeur Bernard had taken Conrad to a Parisian brothel for his 13th birthday as a sort of rite of passage into polite society. It was a family tradition. At present, he was working on his magnum opus - a great New York novel in the tradition of Fitzgerald and Edith Wharton. It was widely speculated as to where he was in the process of writing it. When asked, he would simply reply...

    Conrad Valmont: I'm in the gathering stages.

    Narrator: Conrad had been in the "gathering stages"for several years now. Last week Thursday, Conrad's parents had capsized and had become stranded on a small island in the Mediterranean. Having to spend numerous days together without the distractions of wealth and a transient lifestyle, they'd come to a simple realization they didn't particularly like one another. Conrad's parents were to divorce by the week's end and neither wanted to continue paying for Conrad's extravagant lifestyle. Hence, the Valmont board of trustees had requested hotel security to escort Conrad from the premises by 2 PM.

  • Barry the Therapist: Take it from me, someone who's been married for 25 years, Conrad, inner beauty doesn't age.

    Conrad Valmont: You're just saying that because your wife is unattractive.

  • Conrad Valmont: I never understood why someone would want to be a vegetarian. I mean, do you really love animals that much?

    Barry the Therapist: No, no, no, I just hate plants.

    Conrad Valmont: You eat fish, though, right?

    Barry the Therapist: Why?

    Conrad Valmont: All the vegetarians eat fish.

    Barry the Therapist: Well, I'm a Pisces.

    Conrad Valmont: What's that got to do with it?

    Barry the Therapist: I don't eat my own kind.

  • Conrad Valmont: Didn't have sex with her?

    Dylan Tate: No, I didn't have sex with her. I had to talk to her all night. She only left half an hour ago. It was horrible.

    Beatrice Fairbanks: [on the phone with Jocelyn at the very same time] So, what happened last night?

    Jocelyn #2: What happened was that it was amazing and we talked until the sun came up!

    Beatrice Fairbanks: That's amazing!

  • Barry the Therapist: Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love.

    Conrad Valmont: This literary moral code of yours is completely unrealistic. This isn't a Jane Austen novel, and I'm certainly not Emily

    Barry the Therapist: You have the moral code of a Bolshevik, Conrad.

  • Conrad Valmont: I'm quitting. The whole act.

    Beatrice Fairbanks: Well, it wasn't the act that bothered me. It was the cover-up.

    Conrad Valmont: Well, the act *was* the cover-up.

  • Beatrice Fairbanks: Do you ever notice that the people who make fun of people for being pretentious are usually the pretentious ones? It's just Duchamp but without the wit.

    Conrad Valmont: You ever noticed how people only lash out on others because they're afraid of what they see because they see themselves?

    Beatrice Fairbanks: What if I tell you "I love you," does that mean I actually love myself?

    Conrad Valmont: Exactly.

    Beatrice Fairbanks: I love you.

    Conrad Valmont: I love you too.

    Narrator: It was at that moment Conrad and Beatrice knew that it was over. Beatrice couldn't help but feel sympathy for Conrad. Not love but sympathy. One can often get confused for the other.

  • Conrad Valmont: [lunching on an outdoor veranda] For one, you have to live under the proverbial shadow of said father and/or namesake. Two, lofty expectations can only lead to failure? And three - more scientifically and mathematically speaking - if your parents were a great success, I think a betting man would say that the chances of lightning striking twice, especially in consecutive generations, is very slim.

    Chauffer: You do realize you're talking to your chauffeur?

    Conrad Valmont: touché.

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Characters on The Longest Week (2014)