Conrad Quotes in Silverado (1985)

Conrad: Wait a minute. Even if you do get the money, how do we know you'll come back?

Emmett: Well, if we don't you can keep my brother.

The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

Sally: S-L-O-W?

The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Conrad: Oh, you mean...

The Cat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

The Fish: Someone else should drive!

The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.

[gives Conrad the wheel]

Conrad: Are you serious?

The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.

Conrad: This is awesome!

Sally: I want to drive.

The Cat: I think that's a great idea.

[gives Sally another wheel]

Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.

The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.

[gets his own wheel]

[the Cat is looking at a photo]

The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?

Conrad: That's my mom.

[pause]

The Cat: Awkward.

The Cat: [sinister voice] There is a third option!

[Vaudeville keyboard music]

Sally: There is?

The Cat: Yes. It involves... murder!

[More vaudeville keyboard music]

Conrad: That's your option?

The Cat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.

The Cat: [back to sinister] Or did I?

[More vaudeville keyboard music]

Sally: Cat, you're not helping!

[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]

Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.

Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!

Sally: Where did you come from?

The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?

The Cat: My place, what do you think?

The Fish: Stop this right now!

Conrad: Who said that?

The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!

Sally: The fish is talking.

The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.

Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.

The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".

The Cat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.

Conrad: So, what do we do?

The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!

Sally: How many shots?

Sally: Stop! That's...

Sally, Conrad: Mom's dress!

The Cat: This filthy thing?

Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.

The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.

[snaps, snaps]

The Cat: Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.

[snaps, snaps]

The Cat: Mmm-hmm.

Conrad: I'm not going to military school.

Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.

[first lines]

Conrad: [pinning James to the ground] We get a hundred little shits like you transferred from Youth Corrections every year. Now, you got two problems. One, you done all your time so far with kids instead of real cons, so you think you're tougher than you actually are. Two, the guards at the YOS still think they can put Humpty back together, which makes 'em soft. Means you're used to gettin' away with shit. Here, you throw an elbow at another inmate, we got a problem. You understand that?

Conrad: I bring up Charles Manson and you freak out.

Nick: Everybody freaks out when you bring up Charles Manson!

Conrad: They just fuck you and they fuck you and they fuck you, and then just when you think it's all over, that's when the real fucking starts!

Conrad: They won't leave me alone! I'm a goddam human piñata!

Conrad: This is for you.

Nicholas: You shouldn't have.

Conrad: What do you get for the man who has... everything?

Nicholas: [reading card] "Consumer Recreation Services." Well, I do have golf clubs.

Conrad: Call that number.

Nicholas: Why?

Conrad: Make your life... fun.

Nicholas: Fun.

Conrad: You know what that is... uh, you've seen other people have it.

Nicholas: What's that?

Conrad: [signs document] This... is... the bill.

Nicholas: Do you want to split it?

Conrad: [exhales] Oh God yes! I'll take some of that...

[shows Nicholas enormous number at bottom of receipt]

Nicholas: [shocked look] Oh my God...

Conrad: I just found myself laying naked on a beach near Ibiza and all of a sudden it clicked: October 12th, Nicky's birthday.

Nicholas: October 11th.

Conrad: Whatever.

Nicholas: You can't smoke here.

Conrad: I'm with you.

Nicholas: It's illegal to smoke in restaurants in California.

Conrad: Fuck California!

[In a fancy restaurant]

Conrad: I've been here before.

Nicholas: I took you here for your birthday.

Conrad: No, I used to buy crystal meth from the Maitre D.

Conrad: ...the most times I've jerked off in one day... 7.

Conrad: There are days I'm invisible, I can do whatever I want. I must be careful not to lose that ability.

Conrad: Sometimes I wish there were two of me.

[Jonah gets off from phone with Amy]

Conrad: You know, if I had a girl, I'd never lie to her.

Jonah: Yeah? Good luck with that.

Conrad: I've never found a good therapist myself. I actually don't think they exist. I mean think about it. If you're really good, you wouldn't have any patients.

Conrad: Remember that scoop you had about Elvis? You said he was going into the navy.