Columbus Quotes in Zombieland (2009)

Bill Murray: [dying] Is that you say hello where you come from?

Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?

Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.

Tallahassee: Bill?

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.

Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.

Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?

Bill Murray: No.

Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.

Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.

Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?

Bill Murray: "Garfield," maybe.

Tallahassee: I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig.

Columbus: That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.

[last lines]

Columbus: So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

Tallahassee: [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the fucking Twinkies?

Columbus: I love Sno-Balls.

Tallahassee: I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency.

Columbus: [eats a Sno Ball] Fresh.

Tallahassee: Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.

Tallahassee: [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They're in the back, aren't they?

Little Rock: [pops up holding shotgun] Just me.

Columbus: I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger...

Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?

Columbus: Well, girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age.

Little Rock: Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.

Tallahassee: Like you would ever use that thing

[Little Rock shoots in the air]

Tallahassee: Don't kill me with my own gun.

Tallahassee: Are you fucking with me?

Columbus: Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we're going down that hill. It is very important.

Tallahassee: I don't believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

Columbus: The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons... were the fatties.

Columbus: [to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.

Columbus: [Columbus and Wichita are drinking wine] 1997. Was that a good year?

Wichita: Yeah! 1997 was a great year! I saw my first R-rated movie... Anaconda. Got my first tattoo, a porpoise. Fake. Had my first kiss... Scotty Lynch.

Columbus: Did you guys...

[gestures with fingers]

Columbus: ...use tongue?

Wichita: [laughs] Maybe. Why, are you jealous of Scotty Lynch?

Columbus: Yes. Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Let me see... I think... 1997 I had my first orthodontist appointment... bastard gave me headgear... I got my first B...

[Wichita laughs]

Columbus: ...almost as scary as Anaconda... went to my first dance. Sadie Hawkins, so it was ladies' choice...

[pauses]

Wichita: And nobody picked you?

Columbus: Well, it was ladies' choice.

Wichita: [pauses in disbelief] ... No! Those bitches! No, I will not stand for this.

[stands, offers Columbus her hand]

Wichita: On behalf of all the eighth grade girls, I would like to dance with you.

[Columbus looks at her, takes another swig of wine]

Wichita: Don't worry. Scotty's old news.

Columbus: Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose.

Tallahassee: I haven't cried like that since "Titanic."

Columbus: [after his neighbor changes into a zombie] You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

Little Rock: Have you heard about Pacific Playland? There are no zombies there.

Columbus: The amusement park?

Little Rock: Yep!

Tallahassee: That place totally blows!

[Little Rock and Wichita shoot Tallahassee angry looks]

Tallahassee: ... my mind. Just fun for the whole family.

Columbus: When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be fucked with".

[first lines]

Columbus: Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland.

Columbus: [Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume, Tallahassee turns around and glares at Columbus] Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human, with great potential.

Tallahassee: It's okay... But FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that.

Columbus: I'm sure.

Tallahassee: You get, uh...

[cocks his head]

Tallahassee: 45% power.

Columbus: Thank you.

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee punches Columbus in the arm, and Columbus knocks over a lamp] There you go.

Columbus: [to an exasperated Little Rock] Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call... it's Ghostbusters.

Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?

Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

[from trailer]

Wichita: Let's play the quiet game.

Columbus: I've actually been meaning to ask you, have you been to Columbus, because I've been trying to...

Wichita: Have you never played the quiet game?

Columbus: It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.

Columbus: That guy down there... is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland.

Columbus: [in voice-over] You see, He was in the ass-kicking business and...

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ... business is *good*!

Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?

Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.

Tallahassee: My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. Who'd a guessed that something'd be zombie-killing?

Columbus: Probably nobody.

Columbus: [a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.

Columbus: Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.

Tallahassee: Whoa.

Columbus: I know.

Columbus: You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife.

Wichita: You know between you, me and "What About Bob?"... You're actually kinda cute.

Columbus: You think so?

Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.

Columbus: Really?

Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.

Wichita: [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking...

Little Rock: Yeah.

Wichita: -which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.

Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No- no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?

Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.

Columbus: [in voice-over] Tallahassee firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... or else you'll lose what's left of your mind. Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say "Hey, go ape shit".

Columbus: Yeah, I shave every morning but sometimes by like 4:30 I'll have a thing. I mean, I know it's called a five o'clock shadow but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.

Columbus: [while running towards Tallahasse and being chased by a zombie] Don't swing, don't swing!

[slides under Tallahasse's baseball bat]

Columbus: Swing!

Columbus: Fuck this clown.

Columbus: I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.

Columbus: [a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.

Columbus: In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.

Tallahassee: Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.

Columbus: And they're so fat.

Columbus: Hey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Columbus: Fasten your seat belts. This is going to be a bumpy ride.

Columbus: The plague of the 21st Century, remember mad cow disease? Well mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. It's a fast acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, makes you hateful and violent and leaves you with a really bad case of the munchies.

Columbus: Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it...

Columbus: I'm living the dream.I had always, my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.

Columbus: [In a deleted scene] Rule Number 2: Ziploc Bags... You have enough problems. Moisture shouldn't be one of them...

Columbus: [In a deleted scene, right after Columbus kills 406] You tell yourself over and over, this did not just happen... It did not... It did not... it did not... It couldn't have... it... it couldn't have... But it did... In the name of every sane thing that came before it... and all that I have come to know, and expect about the world... it did...

Columbus: [In a deleted scene, right after Columbus kills 406. He wraps her corpse in a shower curtain] A zombie isn't a dead person who's just come back to life. It's someone who's been infected with the plague of the 21st century... Zombiism's carried in bodily fluids, and these fluids are highly contagious and fast acting when they mix with your fluids. So, if you're thinking of going tongue-to-tonsil with your suddenly less cute neighbor...

[Columbus brushes 406's hair over her ear]

Columbus: try something a little more innocent... Mom and Dad would have to wait...

[Columbus then covers her face in the curtain]

Wichita: [In a deleted scene, right after the girls steal the hummer, they are riding, talking about Tallahassee] The muscles, and the way he sucked in his stomach, I'm guessing 8th grade PE teacher. I could see him in power-blue dolphin shorts.

Little Rock: Or pool guy. Or concert security!

Wichita: Maybe we're underestimating him...

[Tallahassee is shown spinning a sign on the street, and then he accidentally throws it at someone's car]

Little Rock: Nah...

Wichita: And the skinny one?

[Referring to Columbus]

Little Rock: Get some sun!

Wichita: I know... He kinda screamed 'Kinko's'...

Little Rock: Or... Lady Foot Locker!

Columbus: [Columbus is then seen inside of a Tech Town playing Guitar Hero. He then accidentally hits a kid with the guitar] Whoa whoa whoa... Get him...

Little Rock: You know what's amazing?

Wichita: What?

Little Rock: That they got this far. I mean, they should be so proud...

Wichita: I know! They can die happy.

Wichita: [Little Rock then looks out the window and sees two dead zombies, and stares at Wichita, implying that they should go back] No.

Little Rock: Okay...

Wichita: NO!

Little Rock: OKAY!

Wichita: We are not going back! What did we say?

Little Rock: Trust no one. Just you and me.

Wichita: Yeah. You and me... Even if it means leaving behind the slow and the weak...

Little Rock: Or... One slow and one weak.

Wichita: Right...

Little Rock: Y'know... I saw this Discovery Channel show... On like wildebeest herds or something... They always wait for the slow and the weak... Y'know... That way, when the lions show up, they only eat the slow and the weak...

[Wichita then stops the car, preparing to turn around and go back for them]

Columbus: [Voice-over] October 21st, 1492. I think we have returned to Eden. Surely this is how the world was in the beginning of time. If the natives are to be converted to our ways, then it will be by persuasion and not by force. I believe no man will ever see this land again as we do, for the fist time. We come in peace and with honor. They are not savages, neither will we be. Treat them as you would your own wives and children. Respect their beliefs. Pillage will be punished by the whip. Rape, by the sword.

Sanchez: [Columbus stops Sanchez after he leaves an audience with the Queen. Sanchez looks at him, disgusted] You're a dreamer.

Columbus: [shooting a glance out of a window] Tell me, what do you see?

Sanchez: [pausing to look] I see rooftops, I see palaces, I see towers, I see spires that reach... to the sky! I see civilisation!

Columbus: All of them built by people like me.

[Sanchez doesn't respond - shocked]

Columbus: No matter how long you live, Sanchez, there is something that will never change between us. I did it. You didn't.

Columbus: Riches don't make a man rich, they only make him busier.

Columbus: Paradise and hell both can be earthly.

Columbus: We are trying to adapt to the Indian diet. Meat is only a memory for us.

Queen Isabella I.: [During her last audience with Columbus] I have looked for a reason why I should allow you to go back and although I've tried I couldn't find one. Help me find one.

Columbus: All my life I have dreamt of reaching the continent. I thought my dreams grandiose. But reality was beyond my expectations. Far beyond. And now I want to explore that land before I die.

Queen Isabella I.: I allow you to undertake another voyage. But without your brothers. Nor for you to return to Santo Domingo or any other colonies. The New World is a disaster.

Columbus: And the old one an achievement?

Queen Isabella I.: [after Columbus leaves] I know. I shouldn't tolerate his impertinence.

Sanchez: Then why?

Queen Isabella I.: Because he is not afraid of me.

Alonso: [Talking to Columbus in front of all the ship's crew] God doesn't want us to cross this ocean. This voyage is cursed. We set sail for greed. God has abandoned us. The voyage is cursed. There are signs.

Columbus: Juanito has the voice of an angel. What comes out of his mouth is blessed, Alonso. What comes out of yours is cursed. Listen to me. Every man is afraid when he does something for the first time. But those who overcome their fears will rightly earn their rewards. I don't know if it's God's will that we should cross this ocean but I am certain that it is you who puts fear into our hearts. We cannot be lost as long as we keep faith in God and in ourselves. In time they will talk about the courage of the first men who crossed this ocean and returned. And then you will be able to say to them: "I was on the Pinta, I was on the Nina and the Santa Maria."

Queen Isabella I.: Rise. Come forward. I should not even be listening to you since my council has said "no". But Santangel tells me you are a man of honor and sincerity. And Sanchez that you are not completely mad.

Columbus: No more than the woman who said she would take Granada from the Moors.

Queen Isabella I.: They believe the ocean to be uncrossable, signor Columbus.

Columbus: What did they say about Granada before today?

Queen Isabella I.: That it was impregnable.

Columbus: I have waited too long. Fought too hard. And now you expect me to take all the risks while you take the profits? No. I am not a servant.

Sanchez: Signor Columbus, you're in no position to bargain with me.

Columbus: I'm not bargaining.

Sanchez: Then you are too ambitious.

Columbus: And were you never ambitious? Or is ambition only a virtue among nobles and a fault for the rest of us?

Sanchez: If you won't accept this proposal we can simply find someone who will.

Columbus: If you can do that, Excellency, I'll become a monk.

Arojaz: If God intended our proximity to Asia, do you believe that He would have waited for you to show it to the world?

Columbus: He chose a carpenter's son to reveal Himself to the world.

Arojaz: [Shocked] So you consider yourself the chosen one?

Sanchez: You seem to have a special talent for making enemies.

Columbus: Why? Do I have so many already?

Sanchez: Don't you think to rise so high in so short of time is a dangerous occupation?

Antonio de Marchena: [Reading from a letter] "And therefore nothing could justify the participation of your Majesties on a venture that relies on such feeble assumptions and which any man of knowledge would take to be impractical, if not impossible.

Columbus: They didn't listen. They don't want to listen.

Antonio de Marchena: You mustn't give way to despair. You must wait.

Columbus: Wait? I've waited seven years already! How much longer do you want me to wait?

Antonio de Marchena: If God intends you to go, you will go.

Columbus: Damn God! Damn of all of you! You all sit at your desks concocting theories! Based on what? You never leave the protection of your gardens. Go out! Find out what the world is about and then tell me something I can accept.

Columbus: Are we going to argue?

Beatrix: I'd love to argue with you more often. But you're never here.

Columbus: Why do you want to help me?

Santangel: Faith, hope, charity. But greater than all these is banking.

Columbus: I believe the Indies are no more than 750 leagues west of the Canary Islands.

Antonio de Marchena: How can you be so certain?

Columbus: The calculations of Toscanelli, Marin de Tyr, Esdras...

Antonio de Marchena: Esdras is a Jew...

Columbus: So was Christ.

Antonio de Marchena: Two minutes and you're already a dead man.

Columbus: For telling the truth?

Antonio de Marchena: Yes. They are burning people for less. The men you are about the confront have no emotions. You must learn to control your passion.

Columbus: Passion is something one cannot control.

Brother Buyl: You treat Christians equally with heathen savages. What do you offer in return?

Columbus: A New World, Buyl.