Colonel Mustard Quotes in Clue (1985)

Colonel Mustard: Just checking.

Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?

Colonel Mustard: Yep. Two corpses. Everything's fine.

Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?

Miss Scarlet: Ah!

[laughs]

Mrs. White: Why is that funny?

Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.

Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.

Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

Mrs. White: I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was

[points to head]

Mrs. White: a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?

Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

[rolls eyes]

Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?

Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!

Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?

Mrs. White: He was a scientist, nuclear physics.

Miss Scarlet: What was he like?

Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.

[Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]

Mrs. White: I had been out all evening at the movies.

Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?

Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!

Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.

Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.

Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!

Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?

Wadsworth: Um... no.

Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?

Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."

Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?

Wadsworth: No.

Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?

Wadsworth: Yes.

Mrs. White: [shatters glass] PLEASE!

Wadsworth: The key is gone!

Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door!

[smacks Mr.Green on the shoulder]

Mr. Green: [grabs Professor Plum by the collar, throttling him] I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!

[releasing Plum, Mr. Green rattles doorknob]

Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!

Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet: [on other side of locked door] LET US OUT! LET US OUT!

Mr. Green: [to Miss Scarlet] So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?

Colonel Mustard: Certainly not!

Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.

Colonel Mustard: [to Miss Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true.

Miss Scarlet: It's not true.

Professor Plum: [to Miss Scarlet] Is that true?

Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.

Mr. Green: Ah ha! So it is true!

Wadsworth: A double negative!

Colonel Mustard: A double negative?

[whispering]

Colonel Mustard: You mean you have photographs?

Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

Colonel Mustard: [angry, to Wadsworth] Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.

Colonel Mustard: That's right!

Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?

Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?

Colonel Mustard: Yours.

Mrs. White: Five.

Colonel Mustard: Five?

Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.

Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.

Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.

Colonel Mustard: Right!

Professor Plum: And what was your role in all this?

Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were

[on the verge of tears]

Wadsworth: Socialists.

[all gasp, Mrs. Peacock is the loudest]

Wadsworth: [starts to cry] Well, we all make mistakes.

[Mrs. White approaches Wadsworth and hands him a handkerchief]

Wadsworth: But, Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves. Well, to make a long story short...

Colonel Mustard: Too late.

Mrs. White: [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie] Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.

Mr. Green: Me too.

Colonel Mustard: And me.

Miss Scarlet: Not me.

Wadsworth: [surprised] You're *not* being blackmailed?

Miss Scarlet: Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

Mr. Green: What did you do?

Miss Scarlet: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady, for a short while.

Professor Plum: Oh yeah?

[pulls out pen and a pad of paper]

Professor Plum: What's the phone number?

Cop: [listening to caller on phone] Ah, would you hold on, please?

[Walks over to locked door, rattling the knob and banging on door]

Cop: Let me outta here! Let me outta here! You have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty... and MURDER!

Wadsworth: [Wadsworth opens the door, feigning innocence, while other guests gather around] What do you mean... murder?

Cop: I just said it so you would open the door.

[other guests laugh]

Cop: What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?

Wadsworth: J. Edgar Hoover?

Cop: That's right! The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation!

Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?

Wadsworth: I don't know, he's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?

Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."

Professor Plum: Die?

Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Colonel Mustard: Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?

[offers her a tray]

Miss Scarlet: [takes food off the tray] Sure, I'll eat anything.

Yvette: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?

Professor Plum: I will!

Colonel Mustard: I will!

Mr. Green: No, thank you.

Professor Plum: [after learning who killed Mr. Boddy, the motorist, the cook, the cop, and Yvette] So it must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!

Mr. Green: I didn't do it!

Colonel Mustard: Well, there's nobody else left.

Mr. Green: But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!

Wadsworth: [extracts his gun] I shot her.

Colonel Mustard: This is war, Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that.

Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!

Miss Scarlet: What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have?

Colonel Mustard: He was my driver during the war.

Wadsworth: And what was he holding over you?

Colonel Mustard: He knew that I was a war profiteer. I stole essential Air Force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer!

Mrs. Peacock: Well, a lot of our airmen died, because their radios didn't work.

Wadsworth: I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.

Colonel Mustard: Why?

Wadsworth: I'm the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy.

Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?

Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.

Colonel Mustard: How did you know that?

Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?

Colonel Mustard: Yes...

Wadsworth: So can I.

Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?

Mr. Green: Nothing.

Mrs. Peacock: Well who's there?

Colonel Mustard: Nobody.

Mrs. Peacock: What do you mean?

Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.

Mrs. White: Maybe he wasn't dead.

Professor Plum: He was!

Mrs. White: We should've made sure.

Mrs. Peacock: How?

[muttering]

Mrs. Peacock: By cutting his head off, I suppose.

Mrs. White: That was uncalled for!

Colonel Mustard: Is this place for you?

Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.

Colonel Mustard: What exactly do you do?

Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.

Colonel Mustard: Which means what?

Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.

Colonel Mustard: Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother, the shock would've killed her.

Mrs. White: Oh, that would've been quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.

[to Wadsworth]

Mrs. White: So, he had the motive.

Wadsworth: You *all* had a motive.

Mr. Green: Who would wanna kill the cook?

Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.

Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?

Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.

Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.

Miss Scarlet: Oh?

[Everyone looks at Colonel Mustard]

Colonel Mustard: I said, "if". *If*!

Mrs. White: [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!

[Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash]

Miss Scarlet: Yeah!

Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?

Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!

Colonel Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

Mrs. Peacock: [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!

All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Colonel Mustard: What room's this?

Miss Scarlet: Search me.

Colonel Mustard: All right.

[he starts to frisk her]

Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me.

[Wadsworth reveals a secret passage from the study to the kitchen]

Colonel Mustard: How did you know?

Wadsworth: This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along.

Mr. Green: So you could be the murderer.

Wadsworth: Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?

Miss Scarlet: [looks in an envelope] What's this, Wadsworth?

Wadsworth: I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Mustard earlier referred.

Colonel Mustard: Oh my God!

Miss Scarlet: Were you planning to blackmail him, Wadsworth?

Wadsworth: Certainly not! I detained them for the colonel and I was going to give them back as soon as Mr. Boddy was unmasked.

Miss Scarlet: Mm, very pretty! Would you like to see these, Yvette, they might shock you.

Yvette: No, merci. I am a lady.

Miss Scarlet: Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?

Professor Plum: What sort of pictures are they?

Colonel Mustard: They are *my* pictures and I'd like them back, please!

Miss Scarlet: No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me, too.

Professor Plum: Let me see.

Mrs. White: [gasps] Oh no, nobody can get into that position.

Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.

[tries to do the position]

Mrs. White: Get off me!

Colonel Mustard: [both insistent] Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!

Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.

Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?

Wadsworth: Either! Or both.

Colonel Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!

Wadsworth: Certainly!

[clears throat]

Wadsworth: What was the question?

Colonel Mustard: [shouting] Is there anybody else in this house?

All: [shouting] No!

Mrs. White: So what do you do, Professor?

Professor Plum: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.

Colonel Mustard: Another politician. Jesus!

Professor Plum: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.

Wadsworth: [referring to Mr. Boddy] Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice?

Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary.

Colonel Mustard: Well, it's what we call "overkill."

Professor Plum: It's what we call "psychotic."

Wadsworth: When I said that I was Mr. Boddy's butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once his butler. But it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end.

Colonel Mustard: When did it come to an end?

Wadsworth: When my wife decided to end her life. She, too, was being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us. He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly un-American.

Mr. Green: [the table which Mr. Green is leaning against breaks, causing a great crashing sound]

[Awkwardly]

Mr. Green: Sorry.

Wadsworth: For some reason, he felt it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife; for a doctor to take advantage of his patients; for a wife to emasculate her husband; and, and... so forth.

Mr. Green: But, this is ridiculous; if he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?

Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use, and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?

Professor Plum: And what was your role in all of this?

Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least, my wife was. She had friends who were

[pause, beginning to cry]

Wadsworth: socialists.

[the guests react, Mrs. Peacock loudly gasping]

Wadsworth: Well,

[pausing]

Wadsworth: we all make mistakes.

[Mrs. White comforts him with her handkerchief]

Wadsworth: But Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused. And so he blackmailed her. We had no money. And the price of his silence was that we work for him for nothing. We were slaves.

[from trailer]

Colonel Mustard: Why are you screaming?

Mr. Green: Because I'm frightened!

Colonel Mustard: Of what?

Mr. Green: Screaming!

Colonel Mustard: [gesturing to another place setting at the dinner table] So, is this for our host?

Wadsworth: No, sir, for the seventh guest, Mr Boddy.

Mrs. White: I thought Mr. Boddy was our host.

All: So did I.

Mrs. White: So, who is our host Mr. Wadsworth?

[Wadsworth only smiles in response]

Mrs. White: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?

Mrs. Peacock: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a... Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though, heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.

Colonel Mustard: Don't you?

Mr. Green: I know who you are.

Miss Scarlet: Aren't you gonna tell us?

Mrs. Peacock: How do you know who I am?

Mr. Green: I work in Washington, too.

Professor Plum: Washington? So you're a politician's wife?

Mrs. Peacock: Yes, I-I am.

Colonel Mustard: Well, come on then, who's your husband?

Wadsworth: [Wadsworth has just returned inside after throwing the key to the cupboard away] Well, what now?

Mrs. White: Wadsworth, let me out.

Wadsworth: No.

Mrs. White: Why not?

Wadsworth: We've gotta know who did it. We're all in this together now.

Mrs. Peacock: If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.

Miss Scarlet: Me too.

Mr. Green: Me too.

Colonel Mustard: Me too.

Mrs. White: [Suddenly becoming mysteriously flirtatious] Oh, Wadsworth, I'll make you sorry you ever started this.

[She grabs hold of Wadsworth's tie, rubbing his chest]

Mrs. White: One day, when we're alone together...

Wadsworth: Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.

Mrs. White: [Letting go of Wadsworth] Oh.

Professor Plum: [Mr. Boddy is apparently dead after Mrs. Peacock has turned the lights back on. Professor Plum is knelt down to check if Mr. Boddy is alive] Stand back! Give him air! Let me see.

[Professor Plum checks for a pulse or any sign of breathing]

Professor Plum: He's dead!

Mrs. White: Who had the gun?

Professor Plum: I did.

Mrs. Peacock: Then you shot him.

Professor Plum: I didn't!

Mrs. Peacock: Well, you had the gun; if you didn't shoot him, who did?

Professor Plum: [Professor Plum flips Mr. Boddy over] Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off.

[Professor Plum points to the wall]

Professor Plum: Look, the bullet broke that vase on the mantle.

Colonel Mustard: [the group begins rushing to the spot where the bullet hit and Colonel Mustard bumps into Professor Plum] I'm sorry, excuse me. He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall, see that?

Mr. Green: [In a demanding tone] How did he die?

Professor Plum: [In an aggravated tone] I don't know! I'm not a forensic expert.

Wadsworth: [Walking about the room, collecting all of the weapons] Look, we still have all of these weapons. The gun, the rope, the wrench, the lead pipe. Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it.

[Picking up the weapons and locking them in the cupboard]

Wadsworth: There's a homicidal maniac about.

[Everyone agrees. Wadsworth puts the key in his pocket]

Mr. Green: What are you doing with the key?

Wadsworth: Putting it in my pocket.

Mr. Green: Why?

Wadsworth: Well, to keep it safe, obviously.

Mrs. Peacock: That means you can open it whenever you want.

Wadsworth: But it also means that you can't.

Mrs. Peacock: Well, what if you're the murderer?

Wadsworth: I'm not.

Colonel Mustard: But what if you are?

Wadsworth: Well, it's got to be put somewhere. If I've got it, I know I'm safe.

Mrs. Peacock: [Expressively; Mrs. Peacock is waving her hand rapidly back and forth, lightly hitting Mrs. White's chest accidentally. Mrs. White reacts with a startled look] We don't know that we are!

[Mrs. Peacock's leaf hat falls off as she gets frustrated with it]

Wadsworth: I've an idea. We'll throw it away.

Colonel Mustard: Good idea!

Mr. Green: Good idea!

Yvette: Wonderful!

Miss Scarlet: Brilliant!

Professor Plum: That'll do it!

Colonel Mustard: [Pouring a glass of whiskey for himself] Anyone else want a whiskey?

Miss Scarlet: Yeah.

Colonel Mustard: [Mumbling] Alright, I'll just...

[Unsteadily pours whiskey between three glasses, heavily spilling it on the table in the process]