Col. Hans Landa Quotes in Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Col. Hans Landa: [giddy] Oooh, that's a bingo! Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo?"

Lt. Aldo Raine: You just say "bingo."

Col. Hans Landa: Bingo! How fun! But, I digress. Where were we?

Col. Hans Landa: The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew, where they can only think like a German... more precisely, German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?

Perrier LaPadite: I suppose I would.

Col. Hans Landa: Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel towards them?

Perrier LaPadite: Rats spread diseases. They bite people.

Col. Hans Landa: Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?

Perrier LaPadite: Oui.

Col. Hans Landa: Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?

Perrier LaPadite: No.

Col. Hans Landa: But they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they?

Perrier LaPadite: It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.

Col. Hans Landa: Ha! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?

Perrier LaPadite: Probably not.

Col. Hans Landa: I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them; all you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide. But there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.

Lt. Aldo Raine: [Aldo shoots Hans' driver Hermann, and gives Utivich a knife] Scalp Hermann.

Col. Hans Landa: Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life!

Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, they made that deal, but they don't give a fuck about him. They need you.

Col. Hans Landa: You'll be shot for this!

Lt. Aldo Raine: Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.

Col. Hans Landa: AU REVOIR, SHOSANNA!

Col. Hans Landa: [to Aldo] So you're "Aldo the Apache".

Lt. Aldo Raine: So you're "the Jew Hunter".

Col. Hans Landa: A detective. A damn good dectective. Finding people is my specialty so naturally I work for the Nazis finding people, and yes some of them were Jews. But "Jew Hunter"?

Col. Hans Landa: [reacts in disgust] It's just a name that stuck.

Pfc. Smithson Utivich: Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy.

Col. Hans Landa: Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? "Aldo the Apache" and "the Little Man"?

Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [confused] What do you mean "the Little Man"?

Col. Hans Landa: Germans' nickname for you.

Pfc. Smithson Utivich: The Germans' nickname for me is "the Little Man"?

Col. Hans Landa: And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest.

Col. Hans Landa: [to Perrier LaPardite] I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.

Col. Hans Landa: [in German] So who are your three handsome escorts?

Bridget von Hammersmark: [in German] I'm afraid neither three speak a word of German. They're friends of mine from Italy. This is the wonderful Italian stuntman, Enzo Gorlomi; a very talented cameraman, Antonio Margheriti; and Antonio's camera assistant, Dominick Decocco.

Bridget von Hammersmark: [in Italian] Gentlemen, this is an old friend, Colonel Hans Landa of the SS.

Lt. Aldo Raine: [in Italian with obvious southern accent] Buongiorno.

Col. Hans Landa: [in flawless Italian] Gentlemen, it's a pleasure; the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us, this outright jewel of our culture, are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay.

Lt. Aldo Raine: [after a pause] Grazie.

Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian] Gorlomi? Am I pronouncing it correctly?

Lt. Aldo Raine: [in a very bad accent] Sì... er, corretto.

Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian] Gorla... lomi? Say it for me once please?

Lt. Aldo Raine: [mispronouncing the name] Gorlami.

Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian, faking confusion] I'm sorry, again?

Lt. Aldo Raine: [slightly annoyed] Gorlami.

Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian] Once more?

Lt. Aldo Raine: [obviously annoyed, leans forward and whispers] Gorlami.

Col. Hans Landa: Wait for the crème.

Col. Hans Landa: Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?

Lt. Aldo Raine: [after a long pause]

[smiles]

Lt. Aldo Raine: Nope!

Col. Hans Landa: What's that English saying about shoes and feet?

Lt. Aldo Raine: "Looks like the shoe's on the other foot." Yeah, I was just thinking that.

Lt. Aldo Raine: You know, where I'm from...

Col. Hans Landa: Yeah, where is that, exactly?

Lt. Aldo Raine: Maynardville, Tennessee.

[pause]

Lt. Aldo Raine: I've done my share of bootlegging. Up 'ere, if you engage in what the federal government calls 'illegal activity,' but what we call 'just a man tryin' to make a livin' for his family sellin' moonshine liquor,' it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true... it ain't.

Col. Hans Landa: Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999 point 999 times out of a million, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand.

[Landa slowly sweeps his arms out in a grand shrug]

Col. Hans Landa: What shall the history books read?

Col. Hans Landa: [to a bound and blindfolded Lt. Aldo] You've had a nice long run, Aldo. Alas, you're now in the hands of the SS.

[raises hands in a dramatic manner]

Col. Hans Landa: My hands, to be exact. And they've been waiting a long time to touch you.

[fingers reach out and poke Lt. Aldo in the face; Lt. Aldo flinches]

Col. Hans Landa: [chuckling] Caught you flinching.

[Lt. Aldo headbutts Col. Landa]

Col. Hans Landa: May I smoke my pipe as well?

Perrier LaPadite: Please, Colonel, make yourself at home.

[Hans pulls out a very large pipe five times the size of Perrier's]

Col. Hans Landa: I did have something else I wanted to ask you, but right now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. Oh, well, must not have been important. Till tonight.

[He leaves. Shosanna lets out an emotional sigh of relief and starts crying]

Col. Hans Landa: As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in their very seats we left for them, 0023 and 0024 if my memory serves, explosives still around their ankles, still ready to explode and your mission, what some would call a terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go.

Lt. Aldo Raine: That's a pretty exciting story. What's next? "Eliza On The Ice"?

Col. Hans Landa: However... all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaputt.

Lt. Aldo Raine: If they're still there, and if they're still alive, and that's one big if, there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without settin' off them bombs.

Col. Hans Landa: I have no doubt. And yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night... but you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to win the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four... and if you get all four, you'll end the war... tonight.

[he opens a bottle of Chianti]

Col. Hans Landa: So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.

Col. Hans Landa: Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war, tonight;

[Landa lightly chops his hands down against the table]

Col. Hans Landa: ...we have to make a deal.

Lt. Aldo Raine: What kind of deal?

Col. Hans Landa: The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer. A general. I'm betting for... OSS would be my guess.

Col. Hans Landa: What a tremendously hostile world that a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. Because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none... And that, Monsieur, is what a Jew shares with a rat.

Col. Hans Landa: Monsieur LaPadite, to both your family and your cows I say: Bravo.

Col. Hans Landa: [Landa and Bridget sit alone in Shosanna's office; in German] Let me see your foot.

Bridget von Hammersmark: [in German] I beg your pardon?

Col. Hans Landa: [he pats his lap] Put your foot in my lap.

Bridget von Hammersmark: Hans, you embarrass me.

[Landa intolerantly points at his lap. Bridget gives in and places her foot in Landa's lap. Landa gently removes her shoe]

Col. Hans Landa: Could you please reach into the right pocket of my coat and give me what you find in there?

[Bridget slowly reaches into Landa's pocket. Her hand closes around what's inside and she glances at Landa with a look of sudden terror]

Col. Hans Landa: [he simply smiles at Bridget and nods]

[Bridget slowly pulls out the shoe she lost in the tavern firefight from Landa's coat pocket]

Col. Hans Landa: May I?

[Bridget hands over the shoe, and Landa slips it neatly onto her foot, showing it fits perfectly]

Col. Hans Landa: Voila.

Col. Hans Landa: [In English] What's that American expression? "If the shoe fits, you must wear it."

Bridget von Hammersmark: [chuckles lightly and nervously] What now, Colonel?

[Landa aggressively grabs Bridget by the throat, throws her off the chair and violently strangles her to death]

Col. Hans Landa: Mir scheint, da fehlt jemand. Jemand fäschionäbles.

Col. Hans Landa: [in French; subtitled] Monsieur LaPadite, I regret to inform you I have exhausted the extent of my French. To continue to speak it so inadequately would only serve to embarrass me. However, I've been lead to believe that you speak English quite well.

Perrier LaPadite: Oui.

Col. Hans Landa: [in English] Well, it just so happens I do as well. This being your house, I ask your permission to switch back to English for the remainder of the conversation.

Col. Hans Landa: Monsieur LaPadite, while I'm very familiar with you and your family, I have no way of knowing if you are familiar with who I am. Are you aware of my existence?

Perrier LaPadite: Yes.

Col. Hans Landa: This is good. Are you aware of the job I've been ordered to carry out in France?

Perrier LaPadite: Yes.

Col. Hans Landa: Please tell me what you've heard?

Perrier LaPadite: I've heard the Führer has put you in charge of rounding up the Jews left in France who are either hiding or passing for gentile.

Col. Hans Landa: The Führer couldn't have said it better himself.

Perrier LaPadite: But the meaning of your visit, pleasant though it is, is mysterious to me. The Germans looked through my house nine months ago for hiding Jews and found nothing.

Col. Hans Landa: I'm aware of that. I read the report on this area. But like any enterprise, when under new management, there's always a slight duplication of efforts. Most of it being a complete waste of time, but it needs to be done nevertheless. I just have a few questions, Monsieur LaPadite. If you can assist me with answers, my department can close the file on your family.

Col. Hans Landa: Monsieur LaPadite, are you aware of the nickname the people of France have given me?

Perrier LaPadite: I have no interest in such things.

Col. Hans Landa: But you're aware of what they call me?

Perrier LaPadite: I'm aware.

Col. Hans Landa: What are you aware of?

Perrier LaPadite: That they call you "The Jew Hunter".

Col. Hans Landa: Precisely! I understand your trepidation in repeating it. Heydrich apparently hates the moniker the good people of Prague have bestowed on him. Actually, why he would hate the name "hangman" is baffling to me. It would appear he has done everything in his power to earn it. I, on the other hand, love my unofficial title, precisely BECAUSE I've earned it.