Coach Quotes in Death Race (2008)

Lists: Somebody's mad right now.

Coach: Nobody fucks with my car.

Jensen Ames: So where's the ammo?

Gunner: We get that on race day.

Jensen Ames: Pity.

Coach: Yeah, everyone thinks that... the first time.

Jensen Ames: Thinks what?

Coach: About turning the guns on the guards. About escaping.

Jensen Ames: No, I wasn't thinking that.

Coach: Well I'm glad, because Hennessey's got electric kill switches on all the guns on all the cars. And all the guard towers are fortified, and their guns are bigger than your guns. Oh, did I mention the helicopters and also the fact that we're on an island here a mile from the nearest shoreline? The only way in or out of here is on that one skinny bridge you came in on.

Coach: [after the Dreadnought is destroyed] Now that's entertainment.

Coach: [to Jensen, who is wearing Frankenstein's costume] Don't talk to the other drivers. Frank never did. Part of the mystique. Let the mask do the work.

Coach: I love this game.

Coach: Who's the new guy?

Lists: Jensen Ames.

Gunner: The driver?

Coach: Never heard of him.

Gunner: Oh yeah. I saw him race years ago. He was good. He did some time upstate. Killed his career.

Lists: [reading from notebook] Holder of the fastest laps at Willard, Union, and Butler.

Coach: [seeing prisoners approach Jensen] I hope he's as fast off the track as he is on it.

Coach: Tomorrow morning you'll meet your navigator Case. She'll help you navigate the course, reload your weapons, and help with the running of the car.

Jensen Ames: I'd love to talk to her ahead of time before the race.

Gunner: Yeah, I'd like a big-tittied girl to lick peanut butter off my toes, but it ain't gonna happen. This is still a prison, man. She's a chick. They get bussed in from the women's facility upstate.

Coach: It's all about ratings. Fast cars, pretty women...

Gunner: Machine Gun Joe's the only one that has male navigators, 'cause he's gay.

Lists: A-a-actually it's because he goes through them so fast, and a-a-audience gets squeamish.

Gunner: Yeah he goes through them... through their ass.

Coach: He cuts each kill into his skin as a souvenir, I hear.

Machine-Gun Joe: [referring to Jensen] Who's the new fish?

Coach: Grease monkey.

Machine-Gun Joe: [to Jensen] Well well. Monkey. I got a new name for you - Igor, because you about the ugliest motherfucker out here in this prison yo!

Jensen Ames: Why don't you wear a number, Coach?

Coach: Because I'm not a prisoner. I qualified for parole three years ago. Got as far as the gate. They got a name for it: something-or-another syndrome. Simple fact is, world's changed since I've been in here. Don't know what, don't much want to. But this... this I know.

Jensen Ames: What did they sent you away for?

Coach: Oh, plenty... and nothing.

Coach: And what do we owe the pleasure of your company?

Jensen Ames: I killed my wife.

Coach: Bullshit! You're a hard man but you ain't no wife killer.

Jensen Ames: And how do you know?

Coach: I've met my share. But you, the way you look at her, couldn't do that if you killed her mother. So i say bullshit.

Jensen Ames: [sees Coach walking away] Coach? What would say if Hennessy got my wife killed? Get me framed to come in here to be a Frankenstein, what would say to that bullshit?

[pause]

Jensen Ames: Her name was Suzie. I was headed here. Always knew it; she didn't. She was my chance of something else and that bitch took her away from me.

Gunner: Man, what is this supposed to be?

Coach: Oatmeal... I think.

Gunner: Man, how do you fuck up oatmeal?

Coach: [after Jensen wins a short prison fight in the cafeteria] I guess he didn't liked the oatmeal, neither.

Lists: Jensen Garner Ames. Moved to the states at twenty-four years old. Named after a car, the Jensen Interceptor. A three time local speedway champion.

Jensen Ames: You've done your homework, or do you just know everything?

Coach: Jensen Interceptor. I had one. Handled like a school bus.

Lists: Travis Colt. Our local superstar. He used to race for Nascar...

Gunner: Yeah, he was good too.

Lists: ...until he fell asleep behind the wheel of his Mercedes with the help of a bottle of scotch and a handful of ludes. Wiped out the entire patio of Moscala, sent a dozen people to the hospital... and killed three of them.

Coach: Technically, he's the best driver in here but a mean son of a bitch quitter.

Coach: [from track #1 of the soundtrack] Now pay close attention. You may not know it, but the next Great Depression is right around the corner. People will lose their jobs, then their homes. It's gonna be the perfect time for The Race, a Hard Sport for a Hard Age. Millions watch the raw footage streamed live over the Net. The drivers are convicts, and the rules are simple: It's kill, or be killed. Frankenstein had lived through it made with a steel mask as the crowd's favorite. Behind that plate is a face so torn up and burned from the half a dozen crashes that nobody can stand the sight of him. But shoot him, burn him, run him over, he just won't die. He's won four races. Just one more and he wins the ultimate prize... Freedom.

Coach: Okay people, they're psyching you out. Let's not be so defensive out there, Okay? Now what do we say on the court, repeat after me; I *am* a person, I have the right to the ball.

[the Coach is having the last pep-talk with his team, pointing at a piece of paper with an infinity-sign, some male / female symbols and the eye inside the pyramid]

Coach: Therefore, if we all work together, together it'll all work out. Are you with me? Now, get out there! All right! Score some, uh, points! Hey, you missed practice again today! I think you better sit down and think about how that made me feel.

Coach: Sodas, I'm buyin'!

Coach: Oh dear.

Honey Pie: What? What's he doing?

Bozo: They're humping!

Beer Guy: Aw man! The monsters are doing it doggy style.

Hot Wheels: Monster sex.

Honey Pie: [Re: first monster trapped and killed] Jeez, it took all that? All those bullets?

Beer Guy: That's the LITTLE one? We can't fight these things! No way!

Heroine: We can still fight them. We just gotta be clever.

Coach: Maybe we don't have to fight them at all.

Bozo: Yeah, why don't we just call 'em names.

Bozo: [Locked in bedroom as monster is coming through window] Okay! I'm ready to come out now!

Bartender: [Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock] Oh.

Bozo: [Panicking, rattling doorknob] OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH"?

Coach: [Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, shit] Cheese and crackers.

Coach: [Both peering outside through secret hatch door in the dark basement] You know, you and I have a lot of similarities. Strong. Resolute...

Heroine: You need to be quiet.

Coach: I'm sorry. I talk when I'm nervous.

Heroine: Quiet.

Coach: It's just, it's been a while since someone's been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be... well... offed.

Heroine: What did I say? Shh.

Coach: Sorry. I'm done now.

Coach: [Hoisting himself out the hatch door] Great men will tell of my bravery.

Coach: Whoa. Monster cock.

Coach: We got your front, bro.

Bozo: It's your back, we got your back.

Bozo: Any more ideas, Animal Planet?

Coach: I-I was just being proactive!

Bartender: Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I...

Bozo: Oh, go douche, Grandpa!

Beer Guy: What now?

Tuffy: We're stuck in here, that's what.

Coach: Number 18, is that Gilmore again? How many times has this guy tried out, anyway?

Assistant Coach: At least ten times. Guy's got alot of intensity.

Coach: Not a real strong skater, though.

Assistant Coach: Ain't the best puck handler, either.

Coach: Yeah, but my god...

[Happy fires a shot, and it shatters the glass in front of the coaches]

Assistant Coach: What a shot.

Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

Coach: Oh, really?

Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."

Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross...

Chazz: ...It gets the people going!

Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?

Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.

Coach: You're the girl.

Jimmy: What?

Chazz: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

Jimmy: Wait, why?

Coach: Because you whine like one!

[turns to Chazz]

Coach: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]

Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.

Chazz: Are you nuts?

Jimmy: Wha...? We can't do that!

Coach: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

[Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men's Singles]

Darren MacElroy: You're fired.

Coach: What? I got him a Gold Medal.

Darren MacElroy: No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.

Coach: [interjecting as Chazz and Jimmy are arguing] All right, this is gonna stop right now! From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together, you are going to pee together, you're gonna file a joint income tax return; practice starts now! End of discussion!

Coach: Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It's like a cruel bitch mother!

Chazz: Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.

Coach: I don't see what's so funny.

Chazz: If you were as drunk as me, you would.

Coach: What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?

Chazz: Twin dongs?

Jimmy: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?

Coach: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

Chazz: Nice choice, Coach.

Coach: Turned out well.

Coach: [to Jimmy and Chazz] Alright, ladies. Tea party's over. We got two days 'til Montreal. I want to see an Iron Lotus.

[Lucas is called out of football practice by Coach Boyd]

Coach: What the hell are you?

Lucas: Excuse me?

Coach: Who suited you up?

Lucas: Well, I'd like to speak to you about that. This equipment just doesn't fit.

Coach: No, that's not the problem. It's you that don't fit. Now go turn it in.

Lucas: Excuse me. I can run really fast when I concentrate.

Coach: I said turn it in. Now, get off the field.

[yells to the other players]

Coach: All right, everybody inside for chalk talk! Shower up, first. Let's go, go, go, go, go, go!

Lucas: You're making a big mistake. I'll be good at this. I can lower my center of gravity. See? Look.

[Lucas does a few little spins left and right]

Lucas: See? And my size, I gotta run fast. If they catch me, I'm dead.

Coach: Just, listen, little buddy. We got our first game this Saturday against Rockford and I don't have time to dick around with you.

Lucas: Well, I'm afraid... you'll have to, sir... dick around with me. The Supreme Court, by virtue of the sexual discrimination act says, that if anyone tries out for a team sport has to be given the same chance as everyone else. Now, if you wish to cut me based on my performance, that's your right, but I'll take you to court if you try it before.

Coach: What's this shit?

Lucas: I looked it up. My family's in law.

[Lucas walks off the field as Coach Boyd looks at him with his mouth open]

[Lucas runs in to play the first big game for the football team]

Coach: What the hell are you doing?

Lucas: I'm ready to go in. I can run fast. I can win this game.

Coach: Just get out of here, will you?

Lucas: Look, just give me one chance. One play.

Coach: Get out of here, I said. Get off of the field.

Lucas: Look, I'll make you a deal. You have nothing to lose. They're whipping your ass, anyway.

Coach: Listen to me...

Lucas: Put me in, I'll never come back, I swear. Just let me play today. You have nothing to lose, just let me in.

Coach: Hear me good, you pissant, because I'm only going to tell you one more time.

Lucas: Don't you call me that. Don't you call me a pissant, you dumb, fucking jock.

Coach: What'd you say?

Lucas: You heard me, pencil-brain. I mean, who are we kidding here, who is the pissant? The second-rate coach of a third rate team or me?

Coach: What's your name?

Lucas: Lucas.

Coach: I mean your last name!

Lucas: Bly.

Coach: You're right, Bly. I've got nothing to lose by sending you in. Karger out! Bly in!

Lucas: What position?

Coach: Prone.

[Lucas runs into the football field]

Rena: Throw it to Lucas!

Maggie: Throw it to Lucas!

Ben: Throw it to Lucas!

Band Member: Throw it to Lucas!

Coach: No, don't throw it to Bly!

Coach: You stole my horse, maggot! Do you know what the penalty is in this state for stealing another man's horse?

Dizzy/Gil: Death?

Coach: This isn't Iraq, son.

Coach: I like you, Neil. I like you so much.

Coach: Think of your monkey. Okay? Be your monkey.

Coach: Joseph. If you catch her... you can keep her.

Coach: Seven and a half. My favorite!