Clouseau Quotes in The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)
Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.
[after Clouseau accidentally reduces a piano to a pile of splinters]
Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!
Francois: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?
Clouseau: The exploding kind.
Clouseau: Tell me do you have a reum?
Hotel Clerk: I do not know what a 'reum' is.
Clouseau: [looks up the word 'room' in his German dictionary] Zimmer.
Hotel Clerk: Ah, a 'room'.
Clouseau: That is what I have been saying, you idiot. Reum. Zimmer.
Clouseau: Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.
Clouseau: Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?
Mr. Shork: I'm Shork, the gardener.
Clouseau: What is it you do?
Mr. Shork: I'm the gardener.
Clouseau: Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?
Mr. Shork: I did.
Clouseau: Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!
Clouseau: Good evening commissioner. How are you, how is madame and all the little Commissioners?
Clouseau: There is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Mrs. Japonica: Murder?
Clouseau: What was that you said?
Mrs. Japonica: I said "murder".
Clouseau: What murder?
Mrs. Japonica: I-I-I don't know, y-you said "murder".
Clouseau: I said murder? *You* said murder!
Mrs. Japonica: No, I said murder because *You* said murder.
Clouseau: *I* said murder?
Mr. Shork: You said there is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!
Clouseau: [chatting with Scotland Yard about sniffing out Dreyfus, who now has Europe's most infamous hitmen working for him] Of course it won't be easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Clouseau: [after Dreyfus is knocked into the river for a second and third time and Clouseau thinks he is trying to hide that he's upset] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permit, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanity commission, and they will set me free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!
Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus: You said beump.
Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.
Clouseau: I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels. Oh, yes.
[starts swinging on the parallel bars]
Clouseau: Yes, it's all coming back now.
Clouseau: Ah yes, I remember it...
[loses grip and falls down the stairs]
Clouseau: Aagh! Well, that felt good.
Clouseau: [on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.
Clouseau: [after knocking Cato unconscious, goes to answer the phone] Relax. I'll get it.
Bar Patron: Something wrong, Ainsley?
Ainsley Jarvis: No of course not, Bruno. The Inspector here was just warning me that I had to watch my step. You see, back in France, he's known as King of the Tango.
Clouseau: [shocked] Tango?
Ainsley Jarvis: Oh, I'd love to.
Clouseau: This is a very serious matter, and everyone is this reum is under the suspicions.
Clouseau: What was that?
Cook: You said 'reum'?
Clouseau: Yes, I know that!
Clouseau: A beekeeper who has lost his voice, a cook who thinks he's a gardener, and a witness to a murder.
Clouseau: Cato! You imbecile, not now Cato!
[Clouseau is walking through a pitch-black room with a match in his hand; calling out]
Clouseau: Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?
Clouseau: What did you say your name was?
Mr. Shork: Shork.
Clouseau: The cook!
Mr. Shork: Gardener.
Clouseau: Ah, now we're getting somewhere!
[points to the beekeeper]
Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.
Clouseau: Mark my words, François. Sinister forces are at work.
[Exits a closet after mistaking it for the door out of the room]
Clouseau: Most ingenious. The old closet ploy. I really must congratulate you. If there's one thing I do enjoy, it's a good closet ploy.
Clouseau: Oh, yes. It is obvious to my trained eye, that there is much more going on here than meets the ear. Before you are dismissed, Mr. Stiffsticker, I suggest you count your bees. May find one of them is missing.
Clouseau: Well now, I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here
[steps on Mrs. Japonica's foot. She screams]
Clouseau: [disguised as Dr. Schirtz] Hello... It's Dr. Schirtz from the village, you know.
Clouseau: Are you alright, former chief inspector?
Olga Bariosova: I gave Cato the night off.
Clouseau: But what has happened to my reum?
Quinlan: You'll need help.
Clouseau: I prefer to do this alone.
Quinlan: Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.
Clouseau: No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Col. Sharky: [after examining the scene of stolen Pink Panther, Clouseau notices the wire on the floor] Very ingenious.
Police Chief Lundallah: [annoyed] He pulled himself across the floor.
Clouseau: He did?
Police Chief Lundallah: How else could he have avoided our radar field?
Clouseau: Yes, how else. Hmm. Of course he would have needed a very slippery floor to do that.
Police Chief Lundallah: Therefore, the wax.
Clouseau: The wax? AGHH!
[Clouseau steps on the wax and falls to the floor]
Col. Sharky: Are you alright, Inspector?
Clouseau: [on his knees] Of course I'm alright. I'm... examining the wax.
[sniffs the wax on the floor]
Clouseau: Have you taken a sample of this wax?
Police Chief Lundallah: Wax is wax!
Clouseau: See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. Domestic wax, Belgian Wax, French Wax, English Wax...
Col. Sharky: Ah, the Inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.
Clouseau: [grabing the mechanical arm from the jewel stand] It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.
Police Chief Lundallah: Why?
Clouseau: Because your thief is an Englishman.
Col. Sharky: How do you know that?
Clouseau: It is my business to know that. He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Lytton.
Police Chief Lundallah: The Phantom?
Clouseau: Yes, one and the same.
[the mechanical arm grabs Clouseaus's crotch]
[after an incident involving a blind beggar]
Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
Clouseau: That is impossible.
Clouseau: He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Clouseau: It's very simple, all he has to do is enlist...
Dreyfus: Shut up!
Clouseau: I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton.
Clouseau: [annoyed] Are you blind?
Blind beggar: Yes!
Clouseau: I see you are familiar with the falling-down-on-the-floor ploy.
[Cato has just attacked Clouseau, causing extensive damage to the restaurant he's eating in]
Clouseau: You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! And this is it!
[Clouseau goes to attack Cato, but misses and destroys the restaurant's kitchen]
[Clouseau is having the hotel bellboy spy on Lady Lytton]
Clouseau: How long have you been a bellboy?
Bellboy: Oh, too long, Monsieur.
Clouseau: Keep up the good work, and I shall see to it you become a bell *man*.
[to a Taxi driver]
Clouseau: Follow that car!
[driver gets out of the taxi and follows the car]
Clouseau: Good Sharkey, Colonel God!
Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadoire - who is this speaking?
Dreyfus: Don't you know? HmmHmmm! Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!
Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?
Clouseau: Swine bird!
Clouseau: Cato is in hospital. They nearly blew his little yellow skin off!
[after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in]
Clouseau: I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly.
Clouseau: Does Lady Lytton have a swimming pewl?
Nice Police Chief: A swimming pewl?
Clouseau: I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.
Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.
Clouseau: Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat...
[snaps his pointing stick]
Clouseau: You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
Clouseau: What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.
Hercule LaJoy: How do you know that?
Hercule LaJoy: But that facts...
Clouseau: You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.
[Accusing a suspect, millionaire Benjamin Ballon]
Clouseau: And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!
[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
Clouseau: I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
Camp Attendant: Not unless you take off your clothes...
Clouseau: You, sir, are under arrest.
Camp Attendant: Arrest? What for?
Clouseau: For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
Camp Attendant: Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Clouseau: Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?
Camp Attendant: No.
Camp Attendant: This is a nudist colony.
Clouseau: There is something... personal... in this?
Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau: You want me to leave?
Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: A mistake?... in a nudist camp?
Clouseau: Nobody's perfect.
Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic!
Clouseau: [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.
Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now six more innocent people!
Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer, Commissioner!
Dreyfus: [whimpering] Compared with you they were saints!
Maria Gambrelli: You can have one of my cigarettes.
Clouseau: Oh, thank you.
Maria Gambrelli: You have it in backwards.
Clouseau: Oh... it tastes very bad that way.
Clouseau: Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
Dreyfus: What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!
Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!
Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.
Clouseau: For what reason?
Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.
Benjamin Ballon: [very clearly] Moths!
Clouseau: Yes, "meuths."
Benjamin Ballon: Maria was complaining of "murths."
[frowns at himself]
Clouseau: "Meurths"? Is that right, Maria, that - that you were complaining about these "meuths"?
Maria Gambrelli: Yes, I did complain about moths.
Clouseau: Oh, you mean "meuths"!
[Clouseau has entered a house soaking wet]
Clouseau: That stupid driver of mine parked too close to the fountain.
[Hercule enters Clouseau's office after Clouseau summons him]
Clouseau: What do you want?
Hercule LaJoy: You sent for me.
Clouseau: Of course I sent for you!
Benjamin Ballon: I admit to the affair. But, to kill for her? Would you kill for her?
Clouseau: Of course! Eh, not.
Maria Gambrelli: Promise me.
Clouseau: What darling?
Maria Gambrelli: Afterwards, you will not smoke.
Clouseau: I give you my word as an officer and a gentleman. also a policeman.
Clouseau: Those were innocent bystanders. The murderer was after me. Fortunately, he missed.
Dreyfus: Fortunately is *not* the word!
Clouseau: Now, then, there's something that I am very interested to know, this room is - - What happened? What?
Dominique Ballon: You fell off the sofa, you stupid...
Clouseau: I know I fell off the sofa, Madame. There's no need to tell me! Everything I do is carefully planned, Madame. I know that! Now then, eh? What was I saying?
Clouseau: Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha!
Clouseau: Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate out training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.
Clouseau: You are forgetting the most important fact: motive!
Hercule LaJoy: He beat her.
Clouseau: He was Spanish!
Hercule LaJoy: He tore her dress off.
Clouseau: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?
Hercule LaJoy: No, I suppose not.
Hercule LaJoy: No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.
Clouseau: Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't know know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.
Maurice: With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.
Clouseau: Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?
Maurice: You were talking about the closet, monsieur...
Clouseau: Uhhh, yes?
Maurice: You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...
Clouseau: Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!
Clouseau: I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.
Maria Gambrelli: [as Clouseau's coat is burning] Your coat, Monsieur!
Clouseau: Yes, it is my coat.
Clouseau: [after bumping into Hercule] You idiot! You fool! It's a good job I was able to check my reflexes, as I might have killed you with a karate chop!
[tries to leave and runs into him again]
Clouseau: You fool! Just for that, you're - you're off the case!
Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One...
[holding up one finger]
Clouseau: She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two...
[holding up three fingers]
Clouseau: The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three...
[holding up four fingers]
Clouseau: There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four...
[holding up all five fingers]
Clouseau: All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.
Clouseau: You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.
Hercule LaJoy: But the facts...
Clouseau: Listen, who even killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.
Hercule LaJoy: Well, who do you suspect?
Clouseau: I suspect everyone.
Hercule LaJoy: Well... I suppose that is possible.
Clouseau: Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.
Clouseau: Now, supposing you tell me what happened?
Maria Gambrelli: He was having difficulty with the buttons.
Maria Gambrelli: The buttons on my dress.
Clouseau: Well, you know that is very strange. Because, there are no buttons on this dress.
Maria Gambrelli: Well, that is because he was having difficulty with them. So, he just tore the dress off.
Clouseau: He attacked you.
Maria Gambrelli: Oh, no! I would have helped him; but, he couldn't wait. The buttons are probably all over the room. He was so impetuous. A passionate Spaniard, you know.
Maria Gambrelli: You should get out of these clothes immediately! You'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.
Clouseau: Yes, I suppose I probably will; but, its all part of life's rich pageant, you know.
Clouseau: It seems a bit stuffy in here.
Maria Gambrelli: Your coat!
Clouseau: Yes, it is nice.
Maria Gambrelli: But, it's on fire!
Clouseau: What? My coat is on fire! My coat is on fire!
Clouseau: Prison is bad enough, without, uncomfortable furniture.
Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau! Over here! Quick. Listen. That's Do Do.
Clouseau: Do Do?
Maria Gambrelli: She's dead!
Clouseau: Dead? Do Do?
Maria Gambrelli: What are we going to do?
Clouseau: We must do something. We can't leave here without our clothes.
Maria Gambrelli: But, I'm getting cold. Just look at those goose pimples!
Maria Gambrelli: [the end of a drunken evening] I know this is your apartment; but, that won't help you in the least bit?
Clouseau: Why won't it help me in the least bit? My question.
Maria Gambrelli: Question, answered, Mr. Policeman Inspector.
Clouseau: Jacques Clouseau's the name.
Maria Gambrelli: I've given up sex.
Clouseau: Oh, che brutto momento!
Maria Gambrelli: I've given up sex.
Dreyfus: A trail of death follows Inspector Clouseau. Four people. A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack!
Clouseau: Most regrettable.
Clouseau: Careful, Monsieur, with me! Do not tangle with me! I'm a trained expert in karate! My hands are lethal weapons!
Clouseau: Special delivery - a bomb
Clouseau: Were you expecting one? A beaum?
Clouseau: Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!
Cato: What good will that do?
Clouseau: Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!
Simone Legree: Oh, my God.
Clouseau: Mine, too.
Clouseau: [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times] It's me!
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I know!
[Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again]
[Philippe Douvier just set up a trap for Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau and invited him to it with a phone call]
Simone Le Gree: That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
Philippe Douvier: Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.
Cato: It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
Clouseau: That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.
[Inspector Clouseau, disguised as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, explains why he can't give a tip to the postman]
Clouseau: I'm a little short.
Clouseau: You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?
[Clouseau is disguised as a salty Swedish sea dog and finds out about Le Club Foot from French informant Fernet. He starts walking away, singing a well-known pirate song wrong]
Clouseau: Ooohhh, sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hooooooooooooooooooooo!
Cato: Please, boss! I thought you were dead!
Clouseau: So as a tribute to my memory, you open this... this Chinese nookie factory?
[dressed as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and singing]
Clouseau: Thank heaven for the little girls. They keep getting smaller every day.
Clouseau: I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite!
Clouseau: Well, Sir, until we meet again in New York, the case is sol-ved.
Clouseau: Who were those two men have tried to kill you last night?
Simone Legree: Killers.
Clouseau: Hey! Mamma Mia! Ho-ho! Spagettino to Al Pacino.
Simone Le Gree: Now why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?
Clouseau: Elementary. He wanted you dead.
Simone Legree: But I saw your funeral on TV!
Clouseau: Yes, even the Poop was there, you know?
Clouseau: [after Dreyfus faints when seeing Clouseau] Now I know why this place looks so familiar.
Simone Legree: Why?
Clouseau: Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Clouseau?
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.
Clouseau: But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.
Cato: That's normal.
Clouseau: Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeed.
Clouseau: Peak A Boo!
Clouseau: It's only an old salty Swedish sea dog out there from the salty seas, you know.
Man at Pier: Hello, Inspector.
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