Clive Gollings Quotes in Paul (2011)

Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.

Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.

Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.

Clive Gollings, Graeme Willy: Lorenzo Zoil?

Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.

Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you

[Clive and Graham turn around]

Paul: Put... the phone... down!

Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!

Paul: Aw fuck me.

Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?

Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!

Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!

Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!

Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?

Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?

Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.

Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?

Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!

Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.

Clive Gollings: It's not fat, it's power!

State Trooper: Where are you boys from?

Clive Gollings: ...England.

State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.

Graeme Willy: Not many...

Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.

State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?

Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...

Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...

[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]

Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.

Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.

[They hastily exit the store]

Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!

Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.

Clive Gollings: Agent Mulder was right!

Paul: Agent Mulder was my idea!

Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.

Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?

Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?

Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?

Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.

Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!

Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?

Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...

Clive Gollings: It's my novel.

Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!

O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.

Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.

O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...

Clive Gollings: Ever since I saw "Mac and Me", I've dreamed about meeting you!

Sword Vendor: That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.

Clive Gollings: How much?

Sword Vendor: $1349.99

Graeme Willy: Aren't you going to get it?

Clive Gollings: [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.

Paul: [about boning an Ewok chick] What was it like?

Clive Gollings: Well... she was 'furry' nice!

Graeme Willy: What do you think you're gonna dream about?

Clive Gollings: Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?

Graeme Willy: Wonder woman.

Clive Gollings: Get your own Alien!

[last lines]

Adam Shadowchild: Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.

Graeme Willy, Clive Gollings: Three, two, one...

[take stage in front of cheering audience]