Clark Griswold Quotes in National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)

Rusty Griswold: [watching the romantic couple make out at the table] Dad he's grabbing her tits right there at the table!

Clark Griswold: Just eat your breakfast, Russ.

Rusty Griswold: [Rusty still watching the couple] ... Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.

Clark Griswold: He's not gonna pork her, Russ.

Rusty Griswold: I think he's gonna.

Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.

[in Germany, Clark peers down at a village in the hills and tears come to his eyes]

Clark Griswold: There it is, kids, my motherland.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.

Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.

Clark Griswold: There's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works.

Audrey Griswold: Works? What does she do, Dad?

Clark Griswold: She queens... and vacuums.

Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?

Clark Griswold: That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.

Clark Griswold: [Clark is driving around Lambeth Bridge Roundabout in London, England, and is unable to turn to the left] Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament... again.

Stewardess: Do you want something to drink?

Clark Griswold: [to Ellen] Honey, you want something?

Ellen Griswold: No thank you.

Clark Griswold: [to the Stewardess] I'll have a Coke.

Stewardess: Do you want that in the can?

Clark Griswold: [Clark turns and looks at the bathroom, then turns back at the Stewardess] No, I'll have it right here.

Kent Winkdale, host of 'Pig in a Poke': What are the pyramidal tracks?

Clark Griswold: [thinking] ... Kent, I believe the pyramidal tracks are housing development outside of Cairo.

[In Germany, Clark is looking for their relatives house]

Clark Griswold: What are we looking for?

Audrey Griswold: Sechs, Dad.

[Pronounces it as "Sex"]

Clark Griswold: That'll do Audrey.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, that's German for six.

[In England]

Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road!

Clark Griswold: I realize that honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car.

Clark Griswold: [singing] Oh the hills are alive with the sound of Griswold/this shit's been around for a very long time./I'm feeling so high, I just can't stand it/It's as if I've been here for at least a week.

Ellen Griswold: Look back there!

Clark Griswold: Yeah, it's just a hooker. They're all over the place.

Ellen Griswold: Look who she's with!

[Clark looks back, and sees that Rusty is with the hooker]

[In England, Rusty sees a young man with a punk Mohawk haircut]

Rusty Griswold: That's it! That's it! That's the way I want my haircut, Dad!

Clark Griswold: Rusty, you don't want to look like a rooster do you?

Clark Griswold: There's the Left Bank, kids. Russ, I bet you can't guess what bank is on the right.

Rusty Griswold: The Bank of America.

[Rusty and his California Girl join the rest of the family as they chase Ellen's kidnapper]

Clark Griswold: Get in.

Rusty Griswold: What Happened?

Audrey Griswold: Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, why don't we just forget the "Pig-in-a-Poke" itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?

Clark Griswold: Honey, we're not normal people. We're the Griswolds.

Ellen Griswold: [In their hotel room in England, Ellen opens a door, only to find a closet, and discovering there is no bathroom] Clark, there's no bathroom.

Clark Griswold: Of course there's a bathroom. Europeans go to the bathroom, don't they?

[Clark opens the door to his left to find another closet with a mattress inside]

Clark Griswold: Maybe they don't.

Clark Griswold: [to his kids, played by the fourth different set of actors in as many "Vacation" movies] You guys are growing up so fast, I hardly recognize you anymore!

Clark Griswold: Eddie, has anyone ever told you you're bad luck?

Cousin Eddie: Those were my mother's dying words. But I guess if your body's covered in third degree burns, and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talkin' crazy.

[Marty points to the Table Limit Sign $10 minimum]

Marty: Come on, Griswold, You think that sign is there to hold the table down?

Clark Griswold: What can I do with five dollars?

Marty: Gee, I don't know. Buy a bullet and rent a gun?

Clark Griswold: Where the hell is the damn dam tour?

Rusty: [trying to get Clark's attention] Dad?

Clark Griswold: In a minute Russ.

[talking to Cousin Eddie]

Clark Griswold: You see the promise of material possesions can often blind one to...

[Rusty taps Clark on the arm]

Clark Griswold: What is it, Russ?

Rusty: Those four cars over there... they're mine.

Clark Griswold: [surprised] What do you mean they're... they're yours?

Rusty: Yeah.

Clark Griswold: [suspiciously] Where did they come from, Russ?

Rusty: Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car.

Clark Griswold: I-I-I, okay, I think I get it. Give me the keys, please.

[Rusty hands Clark all the car keys]

Clark Griswold: Okay! Ellen you drive the red one,

[hands car keys to Ellen]

Clark Griswold: you take the white one,

[hands car keys to Audrey]

Clark Griswold: you take the Mustang,

[hands car keys to Rusty]

Clark Griswold: and I'll take that big, black thing over there. After you, Mr. Pappagiorgio!

Clark Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Audrey dancing at the Club Aereola] Audrey! What are you doing? Ten years of tap dancing lessons and this is the way you repay us?

Audrey Griswold: What? You told me to get a summer job!

Cousin Eddie: I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.

Clark Griswold: Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.

Rusty: Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hittin' on mom!

Clark Griswold: It's all part of the act, Russ.

Mirage Reception Person: Welcome to the Mirage. May I have your credit card, please?

Clark Griswold: Yes, indeedy. Clark W. Griswold, four.

Mirage Reception Person: You know, we have an excellent dry cleaning service here, if you're so inclined.

Clark Griswold: Oh, uh? it's? it's a bbbirthmark.

Mirage Reception Person: Uh-huh. Now in order to get to your rooms, you're going to have to go this way through the casino, veer to the left. Take a sharp right at the first giant palm tree. You'll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps, blackjack. Keep going, then wind around to your left. If you get to the pool, you've gone too far, back up and take another right. You'll see a bank of elevators. Those aren't your elevators, stay away from them. But keep going, you'll see another bank of elevators, the gold elevators, those are yours. Take them up to the tenth floor, take a right at the end of the hall and you'll find your room. Any questions?

Clark Griswold: Uh-uh-uh no not really. Russ!

Rusty: Yeah, dad.

Clark Griswold: Oh, there you are. Didja get that?

Clark Griswold: Eddie, I gambled away more money than you'll ever understand.

Cousin Eddie: Try me.

Clark Griswold: [whispering] Twenty-two thousand eight hundred dollars.

Cousin Eddie: [shouting] Oh God! Oh God! Oh my shhhhooddd! Oh God! Oh my God!

Clark Griswold: [inside the sleezy casino] I need to go somewhere a man can think.

Cousin Eddie: Oh, oh I wouldn't do that here Clark, the stalls are awefully dirty and they're backed up all the time.

Clark Griswold: No, Eddie, I need to be alone.

Cousin Eddie: Oh, oh I see, ya want me to go with ya?

Clark Griswold: Allright,come on.

Clark Griswold: [running up to Dean, the Pit Boss] Hey! Have you seen this person?

[holds up picture of Rusty]

Pit Boss: [examining the picture] Hm. Mr. Pappagiorgio, yeah. Lanai Six.

Clark Griswold: My son.

Pit Boss: [confused] Mr. Pappagiorgio?

Clark Griswold: [confused as well; to Ellen] Let's go.

[they run off]

Pit Boss: [catching onto what's going on] Oh boy, oh boy.

[picks up phone to call security]

Clark Griswold: Where in the hell is the damn dam tour?

Clark Griswold: [as they watch Vicki pole dance] Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Russ.

Ellen Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Rusty in the hot tub] Oh my Lord... Rusty!

Girl in Hot Tub: Oh, you must be lost. This is Mr. Pappagiorgio.

Clark Griswold: His name is not Pappagiorgio! His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student! Now out of the pool, let's go young man! Now!

[Clark yanks Rusty out of the hot tub]

Wayne Newton: [to Clark, about Ellen] Very special lady.

Clark Griswold: That's why I entered into the sacred bond of marriage with her.

[Clark is playing blackjack]

Clark Griswold: Twenty. I'll stay.

Marty: [flips over his card] Wha...? It's twenty. It's a push!

Clark Griswold: I didn't lose!

Marty: That's it, Griswold! You are freakin dead!

Clark Griswold: I've lost three hundred dollars in fifteen minutes?

[Eddie, having taken a sip of beer, chokes and spits it out]

Clark Griswold: *Ellen switches off the TV* Hard six coming out.

Ellen Griswold: What?

Clark Griswold: Hit me. *Ellen slaps him in the dark*

Clark Griswold: Ow.