Clark Griswald Quotes in National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.

Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.

Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!

Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.

Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?

Audrey Griswold: What?

Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?

Audrey Griswold: What?

Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.

Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.

Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.

Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh?

Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.

[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]

Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?

Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.

Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...

Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?

Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!

Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.

Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.

Clark Griswald: How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?

[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]

Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!

Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.

Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.

Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flighty.

Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...

Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!

Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?

[the bartender ignors him]

Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!

[the bartender glares at Clark]

Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!

[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]

Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.

Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.

[to the bartender]

Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...

[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]

Ed, the car salesman: I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!

Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed?

Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?

Davenport: I don't know sir.

Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.

Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?

Ed, the car salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.

Clark Griswald: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ

Clark Griswald: Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?

Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.

Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?

Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.

Clark Griswald: When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.

Cousin Eddie: [at the cookout] Aunt Edna! Supper's gettin' cold!

Clark Griswald: [to Ellen] Is that *your* Aunt Edna?

[Ellen slinks away from the table]