Clarissa Quotes in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

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Clarissa Quotes:

  • Clarissa: Damn! You sank my battleshit!

  • Ursula: We must go before they see us.

    Clarissa: They won't see us, they're kissing.

    Ilsa: Kissing! It was more like they were mashing thier faces together.

  • Clarissa: Oh, very you, lovely. So Henry asked us to give you a few pointers, didn't he? Well, pointer number 1: go home. Mother and I belong here and it's quite clear you just don't fit in. And pointer number 2: while you're packing, keep your grimy little Yankee paws off Armistead Stuart, he's mine.

    Daphne Reynolds: If you take your nose out of the air for one second you'll see you're designer, I'm vintage. You've got a mansion, I've got a five floor walkup. You're a snotty little miss cranky pants and I go with the flow, so why would you ever think for one second that I'd ever have the same taste in guys? So here's a little pointer for you. Get over yourself and stop trying to be my daddy's little girl because I'm not going anywhere.

  • Glynnis Payne: Oh, put a cork in it, Clarissa.

    Clarissa: Maybe someone should've put a cork in it seventeen years ago.

  • Clarissa: I will, absolutely,

    [hangs up phone]

    Clarissa: not.

  • Glynnis Payne: [Takes a bite of her eggs] These eggs are positively glacial. When I run this house, senile servants will be the first thing to go.

    Clarissa: You'd have to get around the old bat somehow. She'd never allow it.

    Jocelyn Dashwood: [Enters the room] Anyone seen my pruning shears? The *old bat* seems to have forgotten where she put them.

  • Glynnis Payne: Until then we have to keep up appearances. Look what happened to Olivia Nixon when she went to China last summer.

    Clarissa: Who's Olivia Nixon?

    Glynnis Payne: Exactly.

  • Clarissa: I can't believe that little impostor is going to ruin my summer!

    Fiona: She may be a lot of things, but I can't believe impostor is one of them. Technically, she's 39th in line to the throne.

    Clarissa: Really, Fiona. 38 people would have to die for her to be queen.

    Jane: Well, it's far less than the 72 you'd need.

    Clarissa: Hmph!

  • Clarissa: [after Daphne walks out in fashion show] Holy poo on toast.

  • Clarissa: [Sees Daphne fall over the wall] Did you see that?

    Glynnis Payne: What?

    Clarissa: An impossibly large bird falling off that wall.

    Glynnis Payne: Are you hallucinating?

    [Waves her hand in front of her face]

  • Clarissa: That girl is totally barbaric!

  • Clarissa: Seems you had a better time in Morocco than you let on.

  • Clarissa: You'd think they'd choose debs who actually had ankles. Those look like baked hams.

  • Clarissa: I hear they're having an open-casket funeral for Jamie. I think that's in bad taste.

    Tony: It is in bad taste. This whole episode is in bad taste. You young people are a disgrace to the human race. To all living things, to plants even. You shouldn't be seen in the same room with a cactus.

  • Clarissa: You didn't have to call me a stupid bitch.

    Layne: You would of driving right past us. We had to yell something.

    Matt: You yelled it Layne.

    Clarissa: I got a name you know. You're lucky I didn't just drive right home.

    Layne: OKay, okay, okay. I'm sorry *Clarissa*, but you've got to understand that in a time like this where every fucking second counts, a man can't waste his time choosing words.

  • Clarissa: I feel like someone dipped me in used cooking oil.

  • Clarissa: [he's climbed out of Layne's car as well] What's with you?

    Matt: I don't know. I figured I'd walk you home.

    Clarissa: I can make it on my own.

    [sighs as he hesitates]

    Clarissa: Well, come if you're gonna come.

    Matt: [catching up with her] You want my coat or something? You look kinda cold.

    Clarissa: [shakes her head] No, I'm okay.

    [as they walk along:]

    Clarissa: You agree with him, don't you?

    Matt: Layne? Not really.

    Clarissa: You probably do. Everybody goes along with him, like he's got some special power or something. I think he's totally wrong.

  • Clarissa: [as they walk along] Layne brags about me, doesn't he?

    Matt: What do you mean?

    Clarissa: About getting me. I know he does, so don't even say he doesn't.

    [no response]

    Clarissa: Doesn't he?

    Matt: Not to me.

    Clarissa: [smiles] You look kinda cute when you lie, you know that?

    Matt: What?

    Clarissa: You should see him though when there are no other guys around, and he thinks he might get lucky. Shakes like a leaf. Always has to be drunk too. He's like "Layne - Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic." They could make a movie, I don't know.

    [they reach her house]

    Clarissa: Do you have to be drunk to kiss a girl?

  • Clarissa: [to Matt, as they carry sleeping bags] I'm too hyped up to sleep. Let's go to the park and look up at the stars or something.

  • Clarissa: [as Layne drives] I feel real twisted right now. Twisted, like I should just go to the cops, and just tell them where John is.

    Layne: [holding up a finger] I wouldn't even joke about that, Clarissa.

    Clarissa: What would you do, kill me? You'd love that, I'll bet. You and John could run off and be outlaws together. But first, to show off to your friends, strap my dead body to the top of your car and drive all over town.

    Layne: [causing him to slam on the brakes] Get out!

    Clarissa: What?

    Layne: You don't understand a goddamn thing, do you? Jamie is dead, dammit! And there's nothing that we can do to save her. Now I happened to like Jamie. But John is still alive. Don't you see that?

    Clarissa: And who's next on his list?

    [exasperated, Layne reaches over, and throws open the door for her]

    Clarissa: You're just gonna leave me here? What if John's around?

    Layne: [giggles] Ask him to forgive you. Here... here's your money. We don't need this shit.

    [she climbs out]

    Matt: [leaning over from back seat] We can't just leave her alone like this.

    Layne: Okay. Fuck!

    [glaring at him in rear-view mirror]

    Layne: You stay here, and you protect her. I should have known that I was the only one that can handle a crisis. Do you want your money back, too?

    Matt: Keep my money, Layne.

    [climbs out]

  • Tony: Gimme a cigarette, man.

    Layne: You fucking gave up cigarettes.

    Tony: I gave up yesterday, not today.

    Layne: I gave up lending.

    [hands over the cigarette anyway]

    Layne: Learn some self-control, you're interrupting.

    [to Matt:]

    Layne: Go on.

    Matt: I don't know. I just figured we could dump this place, you know? Go up there, and if we like it, we stay, don't come back.

    Clarissa: [not impressed] Where did you get Portland?

    Matt: Well, nobody knows us up there.

    Clarissa: People know us here?

    Layne: [mimicking Sonny & Cher, his hand wandering] I know you, babe.

    Clarissa: [brushing him off] That's really annoying, Layne.

    Layne: [to Matt:] So what, man? We could be lumberjacks or something?

    Matt: There's other things to do.

    Layne: Like what?

    Maggie: Like getting stoned.

    [laughter]

    Layne: It almost sounds like a plan. Except we're all broke, and I'm the only one with a car.

    Tony: We could just take all our parents' money, take off, discover America, and make like we're Easy Rider plus five.

    Clarissa: [checking Maggie's wristwatch] Shit, I gotta go. Burkewaite's gonna have a spaz attack if I'm late again.

    Layne: [taunting] She's in love with his middle-aged ass.

    Clarissa: He's not middle-aged, asshole.

    [to new arrival coming up:]

    Clarissa: Hi, John.

    Layne: [to Samson] Didn't think you'd make it today. Where's Jamie?

    Samson: I killed her.

    Clarissa: [to Maggie] She's gonna be in big trouble if she keeps ditching like this.

    Maggie: [to Samson] You what?

    Samson: I killed her.

    Maggie: [decides he's talking nonsense] You're strange, John.

    [the two girls walk off to class]

  • Paul: What, your hand broken?

    Angelica: Yes, all broken. Oh!

    [buries head on Paul's shoulder and clasps her hands on his shoulder and arm joint]

    Clarissa: Hey, guys.

    Tommy: Hey. Hey.

    Clarissa: Look what I bought.

    Geneva: Clarissa, did you know that we were gonna go camping in scary mountains?

    Clarissa: Um, yeah.

    Geneva: Great - great. I consider all you guys traitors.

    Tommy: Hey, let me see that.

    [referring to camera]

    Clarissa: I bought it for 25 Euro. It's worth at least 200.

    Tommy: No kidding?

    Rasheed: Man, that's old.

    Tommy: Hey, take a picture of me and Geneva. Come on, Baby - give me a kiss...

    Geneva: [pushes him away] No, not with YOU! Get off!

    Clarissa: Ready, Geneva?

    Geneva: Yeah.

    Clarissa: Smile.

    [she gets into a glamorous pose]

    Tommy: That pose was really gross. Come on, Jameela.

    Jameela: Get out of my face!

    Geneva: Thanks, Hon.

    Paul: Just leave it.

    Rasheed: Well, my turn then. Ready, all set, take a picture.

    Geneva: That's it for now, babe.

    [looks at picture]

    Geneva: It's kinda strange.

    Clarissa: Sorry, too late.

  • Clarissa: [sitting at table] I owe you an apology.

    Paul: For what?

    Clarissa: [slightly shakes head] I shouldn't have got out of the truck today.

    Paul: [chuckles] Don't worry about it.

    Clarissa: No, I mean it.

    [they share a meaningful look]

    Paul: At least you've got a new camera.

    Clarissa: [she whips it out and aims it at Paul] Smile!

    Paul: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

    Clarissa: Come on!

    Paul: Clarissa, no-no-no. Don't waste your film on me. You only have one pack.

    Clarissa: Well I wanna take a picture!

    Paul: Clarissa, save it for the mountains. They're gonna be beautiful. Do you, uh...

    Clarissa: Do I what?

    [pause]

    Clarissa: Hmm?

    Paul: Do you wanna dance?

    Clarissa: [nods very slightly] I do.

    [They take hands and get up]

  • Clarissa: Where's Geneva? Hey, Tommy. Where's Geneva - her stuff is gone.

    Tommy: How the hell should I know?

    Clarissa: You sure you haven't seen Geneva?

    Tommy: I'm not her babysitter.

    Jameela: Yeah, but you're still in love with her, right?

    Tommy: No, I'm not. Not anymore.

    Clarissa: All her stuff is gone - where is she, Tommy?

    Tommy: How the hell should I know - wh - you think I did something?

    [the girls are silent]

    Tommy: What? You think I'm Jack the Ripper? Okay, fine! I was outside the club with her, and she said she was taking a train home. She says "goodbye, everyone" and "see you back at school". Okay? And that was the last time I saw her, period.

    Clarissa: Sorry, Tommy.

    Tommy: Whatever. No big deal; it's the best thing in the world she left, I don't care; don't need her.

    Jameela: [comes over] Hey, where's Geneva?

    [Tommy sighs exasperated and gets in the vehicle and they drive toward the Atlas Mountains]

  • Tollinger: [on phone outside, laughing while a loose cat is on the ground eating] Do you mean it? So, you really miss me, huh? Now, I gotta get out of this place! It's so dumb in Morocco! Not really my scene, and I don't wanna go camping.

    [laughs]

    Tollinger: I know - it's crazy! It's me! Now, can you get me a ticket -

    [she is accosted and emits muffled sounds as she is moved; it is later seen that it is Tommy, who backs her against a wall]

    Clarissa: So, you miss him, huh?

    [takes his hand off her mouth and Geneva continues making noises; he presumably takes out his genitals and hikes her skirt up, and the cat leaves. Tommy thrusts against Geneva and her vociferations become more positive-sounding and they begin kissing]

    Tollinger: Hang on, Si, just a moment.

    [and continues having sex with Tommy while giving little "mmm!" moans]

  • Clarissa: [walking with Geneva and laughing wholeheartedly] That - that was amazing!

    [turns and kisses her]

    Clarissa: Wasn't it.

    Tollinger: Yeah. Yeah, it was.

    [they chuckle]

    Clarissa: Come on. Let's go back inside.

    Tollinger: I, uh...

    Clarissa: Man, I'm thirsty.

    Tollinger: I wanna go to my room.

    Clarissa: [gleeful] You wanna go to your room?

    [takes her in his arms]

    Tollinger: Yeah!

    Clarissa: Why's that? What are you gonna do there?

    Tollinger: [smiles and Tommy has her face in his hands] I'm going home.

    Clarissa: But...

    Tollinger: Yeah. There's a train station here.

    Clarissa: What do you mean, you're going home? We gotta go camping.

    Tollinger: [laughs] Honey, me, camping? Puh-lease!

    Clarissa: [surprised] But we just made love.

    Tollinger: Love? No, Honey - we screwed.

    [he turns laughs in disbelief]

    Tollinger: Oh, my poor, poor Tommy. You just don't get it, do you.

    Clarissa: No, I don't.

    Tollinger: You and I could never be together. Look, just - I wish I could stay and chat for a while, but, uh, just do me a favor, will you? Tell the others I'll see them back at school. Bye.

    [walks away]

    Clarissa: You could like...

    Tollinger: No.

    [Tommy is left looking helpless; he finally reenters the discotheque, looking discontented. Clarissa is now dancing with Jameela]

    Jameela: Looks like Tommy is not a happy boy.

    Angelica: So, what else is new?

    [Tommy then stands and looks at the dancers and as he is there, Geneva packs up and goes to the station, alone, walking through it without a soul in sight]

    Tollinger: Hello? Anyone here?

    [she sees sign of life]

    Tollinger: Hey, wait! Wait! I have a train to catch. You understand? Do you speak English?

    [man closes the ticket door]

    Tollinger: Hey, open up!

    [Geneva, as she hits the gate grates, is pierced with a large metal sword-shaped object from behind, fatally]

    Tollinger: Aghhhhhhh!

Browse more character quotes from Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

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