Clairee Quotes in Steel Magnolias (1989)

Clairee: Ouiser, you sound almost chipper. What happened today - you run over a small child or something?

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

[screaming]

M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!

[in a firm tone]

M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!

[continues sobbing]

Clairee: Here!

[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]

Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!

Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?

Clairee: Hit her!

Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you *high*, Clairee?

Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?

Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!

Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!

Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!

Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!

Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!

Clairee: I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.

Truvy: Yeah, how did that go?

Clairee: Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.

Truvy: Was she hurt?

Clairee: I doubt it. She got hit in the head.

Clairee: And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...

Ouiser Boudreaux: There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!

Truvy: I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.

Clairee: She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past.

Truvy: Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.

Truvy: Well, these thighs haven't gone out of the house without lycra on them sice I was 14.

Clairee: You were brought up right.

Annelle: That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?

Clairee: If it had hair, it'd be a Saint Bernard.

Ouiser Boudreaux: I should have never said that in front of Shelby.

Clairee: Ouiser no one pays any attention to you.

Clairee: [after Shelby said she almost called off the wedding] Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.

Clairee: Why do you give all these to me?

Ouiser Boudreaux: Somebody's gotta take em, I hate em, I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.

Clairee: Anne Boleyn had six fingers.

Ouiser Boudreaux: Who's Anne Berlin?

Clairee: Anne Boleyn. She was one of the six wives of Henry VIII.

Ouiser Boudreaux: I never watch public television.

Clairee: She had six fingers.

Ouiser Boudreaux: What happened to the other four?

Clairee: She had 11 total.

Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you trying to confuse me, Clairee?

Clairee: No. I just want to expose us to a little more culture. And that's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods.

Annelle: [quietly] That wasn't a very Christian thing to do.

Clairee: Oh Annelle, you gotta lighten up.