Chuck Clarke Quotes in Ishtar (1987)

Chuck Clarke: Stupid-ass camel! He'd rather sit there and die!

Lyle Rogers: You know, I kind of admire that.

Chuck Clarke: Me too.

Chuck Clarke: I feel so small when I look at the stars. How big is Venus?

Lyle Rogers: How big is Mars?

Chuck Clarke: I feel so small when I look at the sky. How big is HEAVEEEEN?

Lyle Rogers: How big am I?

Army Man: Applaud!

[Army table goes nuts]

Chuck Clarke: Either shoot me or lower your voice.

Chuck Clarke: Take one sip at a time. That water has to last you about another 48 minutes.

Lyle Rogers: Why, what happens then?

Chuck Clarke: We run out of water.

Chuck Clarke: Is this the oasis?

Lyle Rogers: Does this look like an oasis to you?

Chuck Clarke: Yeah, look at the birds. Are those vultures?

Lyle Rogers: Yeah.

Chuck Clarke: You mean they're here on spec?

Lyle Rogers: What a smuck I was...

Chuck Clarke: Schmuck! It's not smuck. Schmuck!

Lyle Rogers: Smuck!

Chuck Clarke: [loud] Schmuck!

Lyle Rogers: Sssssssssmuck!

Chuck Clarke: Say "ssshhhh"

Lyle Rogers: Ssshhhhhh.

Chuck Clarke: Now say "muck".

Lyle Rogers: [soft] Muck.

Chuck Clarke: Now say "ssshhh" and "muck" together real fast.

Lyle Rogers: Smuck!

Chuck Clarke: ...Closer.

Lyle Rogers: You really know the lingo.

Chuck Clarke: So what do you do?

Jim Harrison: I'm with the CIA.

Chuck Clarke: Interesting work?

Chuck Clarke: [Reading a note passed by the waiter] Oh my God, this guy's a songwriter and he liked my song! He wants to buy me a drink!

Chuck Clarke: You mean you bought a camel?

Lyle Rogers: No, I didn't really buy it. They SOLD it to me!

Lyle Rogers: Oh no. I think that something went wrong and now I own a blind camel. A blind camel!

Lyle Rogers: You didn't have to leave with me, now I've spoiled the night for you.

Chuck Clarke: You gotta give yourself a break! You've never been out with anyone but your wife.

Lyle Rogers: Yeah, but you gotta have the looks, Chuck. I mean, you walk into a place like that and girls just want ya, ya know, ya got that kinda face. Kinda mean lookin' but with character. And the way you walk, you can only do that with a small body! Didya ever hear of a big sports car? I mean, if I'd look like you -...

Chuck Clarke: Oh, you so idealize me!

Lyle Rogers: Chuck, this isn't really a good time to get depressed.

Chuck Clarke: You're right, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Lyle Rogers: Look at the upside: we're not livin' lives of quiet desperation.

Lyle Rogers, Chuck Clarke: [singing] Telling the truth can be dangerous business; / Honest and popular don't go hand in hand. / If you admit that you play the accordion, / No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band. / But we can sing out hearts out. / And if we're lucky, then no neighbors complain. / Because life is the way we audition for God; / Let us pray that we all get the job.

Chuck Clarke: (singing) Because of yourself, you don't know what I am.

Lyle Rogers: What?

Chuck Clarke: [Chuck and Lyle are writing a song] Shit man, when you're on you're on.

Chuck Clarke: I see her standing in the backyard of my mind, she cracks her knuckles and the scab that's on her knee won't go away. I see the woman waiting in her eyes and I can see the love but I can't see the Brooklyn Dodgers in LA.

Chuck Clarke: I'm leaving... some love in my Will. I'm leaving... some love in my Will. My life is nearly over, and time goes by so fast. So I'm going to give you a present, to thank you for the past...

Chuck Clarke: And now, a song dedicated to a lovely lady... of the Left.

Chuck Clarke: [Chuck and Lyle are songwriting at the bar after closing time] Can't we just have half an hour?

Bartender: Half an hour? Half an hour like the last half hour?

Chuck Clarke: [to Lyle] Hey, how about, how about "Give me half an hour like the last half hour"

Lyle Rogers: [Playing furiously] Give me half an hour!

Chuck Clarke: Like the last half-hour!

Lyle Rogers: Give me half an hour!

Chuck Clarke: Like the last half-hour!

Chuck Clarke: Hello...

Lyle Rogers: Hello...

Chuck Clarke: Baby...

Lyle Rogers: Baby...

Chuck Clarke: Love you...

Lyle Rogers: Love you...

Chuck Clarke: Baby...

Lyle Rogers: Baby...

Chuck Clarke: [Dancing frenetically] Darlin'! Oh my little darlin'! Where... are-are you?

Lyle Rogers: [Rigid at his microphone] Hoopa-hoopa-hoopa.

Lyle Rogers: He's pointing a gun at us!

Chuck Clarke: Will you stop being paranoid?

Chuck Clarke: I lived with my mother until I was thirty-two.

Chuck Clarke: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi, Schmuckit! Mahallah Hutz Boiyah!

Chuck Clarke: What do you say we get this show on the road?

Lyle Rogers: Honduras?

Chuck Clarke: Morocco, it's safer.