Chuck Quotes in The Maze Runner (2014)

Thomas: Chuck, don't let go!

Chuck: No shit!

Chuck: You saw a Griever?

Thomas: Yeah, I saw one.

Minho: He didn't just see it. He killed it.

Gally: Things are changing. There's no denying that. First Ben gets stung in broad daylight, and then Alby, and now our Greenie here has taken it upon himself to go into the maze, which is a clear violation of our rules here.

Frypan: Yeah... but he saved Alby's life.

Gally: Did he? For three years, we have coexisted with these things, and now you've killed one of them. Who knows what that could mean for us.

Newt: Well, what do you suggest we do?

Gally: He has to be punished.

Newt: Minho. You were there with him. What do you think?

Minho: I think in all the time we've been here, no one's ever killed a Griever before. When I turned tail and ran, this dumb shank stayed behind to help Alby. Look, I don't know if he's brave or stupid, but whatever it is, we need more of it. I say we make him a Runner.

Frypan: A Runner? What? Minho, let's not jump the gun, here, all right? All right?

Chuck: [trying to raise a chant] Thom-as! Thom-as! Thom-as! Thom-as...

Gally: Look, if you want to throw the newbie a parade, that's fine. Go ahead, but if there is one thing I know about the maze, it is that you do not...

[Alarm Sounds]

[from trailer]

Matilda: We're gonna be working managing our anger through movement.

Chuck: Eagle, heron, peacock, warrior, mountain, tree, rabbit, fish, locust, king pigeon, and of course, downward duck.

Red: Yuck!

[from trailer]

Chuck: I'm gonna get ready.

[Terence slingshots him to the castle]

Chuck: I wasn't ready!

[He uses is speed ability to get into the castle, then he flies into a kitchen, a cactus room, and a room where pigs are having sword duels, then he hits a brick as it falls down]

Red: Chuck, is that you?

Chuck: This is the house of horrors!

Mime: Oh, my God!

[from trailer]

Leonard: Greetings! I am a pig.

Chuck: [whispering to Red] What's a pig?

[the escalator suddenly stops]

Leonard: Unbelievable.

Ross: Not working, not working.

[He hits a button with his head which makes the escalator go in reverse]

Leonard: Oh, where we're going.

Ross: Not working.

Leonard: We practiced this a hundred times.

Ross: Oh, man.

Leonard: Give it to me.

Ross: [sighs]

Leonard: [to the birds] We're gonna come in again.

Red: This is why we went for pedicures, isn't it?

Chuck: No, we got pedicures because we're worth it.

Bomb: I got gels.

[from trailer]

Red: If anyone knows what these pigs are up to, it's Mighty Eagle.

Chuck: [gasps] It's Mighty Eagle's Lake of Wisdom!

[Chuck and Bomb play in the lake]

Red: Get out of there!

[Chuck spits the water into Bomb's mouth]

Red: Don't spit in his mouth!

[Bomb spits the water back into Chuck's mouth]

Red: No, don't spit it back! Uh, don't swallow it.

[Chuck swallows the water]

Red: Auh!

[Mighty Eagle comes out of his cave as Red, Chuck and Bomb hide behind a rock and Mighty Eagle does a pose]

Red: Oh, wow, it's him.

[as Mighty Eagle finishes posing, he starts to pee in the lake]

Mighty Eagle: Aaahhhhh...

[Bomb and Chuck look strangely at the lake]

Red: Oh, man.

[Bomb pretends to throw up]

Chuck: No, no, no. Ack!

Bomb: Wahahahaha!

[Chuck scrubs the water off his mouth with a rock, then Mighty Eagle finishes peeing as he feels relaxed]

Red: Horrible turn of events, horrible.

Red: That house took my five years to build!

Chuck: Wow. It's such a shame when you create something and everyone else destroys it.

Leonard: Greetings from my world! The world of the pigs!

Chuck: What's a pig?

Leonard: I am a pig! Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Ross: Whoops.

Leonard: Whoa! Where we're going? Wrong way!

Ross: Oops. Not working.

Leonard: We've practice this a hundred times. Give it to me. We're gonna come in again!

[from trailer]

[Hal gets slingshot to the castle, but he comes back due to his boomerang ability]

Red: Hey, he's coming back!

[as Hal comes back he lands his beak into a tree]

Bubbles: Uh, did we win?

Red: Can we get an ice pack for Hal?

Chuck: Medic!

[from trailer]

Leonard: [seeing one of the eggs] Is that what I think it is?

Red: Excuse me! Those are fragile, alright? Not yours.

Judge Peckinpah: You are makin' our guest feel unwelcome!

Red: And you're not asking basic questions!

[a pig slaps his butt]

Chuck: Well, this just got awkward.

[from trailer]

Chuck: The pigs are stealing our eggs!

Leonard: Set sail for Piggy Island!

[from trailer]

Judge Peckinpah: You tried to tell us, but we didn't listen. What do we do now?

Red: That is where they went, and so that is where we're going!

[the birds cheer]

Chuck: It's Chuck time!

[he runs into a pipe; Red groans]

Red: [as they are being hugged by Mighty Eagle] Anyone else feel like this is crossing a line?

Chuck: Yes.

Bomb: No.

Red: Would you stop making mighty eagle noises?

Chuck: Someone has anger issues.

Chuck: Classy Joint.

Leonard: [while dancing] Oh, watch out! Shakin' my bacon!

Red: They don't have feathers? You know, they're just walking around naked, just presenting themselves, I'm looking at all their business here.

Chuck: That part about them I really admire.

Chuck: Matilda we need your help! The pigs are stealing our eggs!

Matilda: What?

Archie Moses: You wank off a lot?

Chuck: What's a lot?

Archie Moses: You know, you got 5 minutes off, slip into one of the rooms, pull down your lil' panty's wack it.

Archie Moses: I see you've got porno here

Chuck: Yes, we have an excellent selection

Archie Moses: Good I like the porn

Chuck: Well, good

[three hours into Pee-wee's long evidentiary meeting, Pee-wee shows a scale-model of the mall where his bike was stolen, with arrows pointing certain spots as well as the X showing where his bike was]

Pee-wee: Exhibit Q: a scale-model of the entire mall! X marks the scene of the crime. These arrows here show the exact position of the sun at the hour of the crime. Jupiter was aligned with Pluto! The moon was in the seventh...

Chuck: Pee-wee!

Pee-wee: Please save your questions until I'm THROUGH, Chuck!

Chuck: Well, when will that be? A long time, we wait! We've been here for over three hours now, and I'm not sure if any of us can see what all this is supposed to mean.

Pee-wee: Supposed to mean? Supposed to MEAN?

[breaks his pool cue]

Chuck: Today the adventure begins... Today I leave the path that he had chosen for me and instead take my own.

[Chuck Talking to Captain Sheldon during the Trial]

Chuck: You told us where we go one we go all, well we believed you, we lived by it, Sir. And now your saying where you go we can't follow.

Chuck: The Albatross wasn't just a ship or a school, it was something that we made, something that's inside of us. That's who you are Skipper, what you gave us you carried us, now let us carry this together. Let us carry this together.

Chuck: Some of us are here for discipline, some for escape. And the rest don't even know why. I'm not sure where I fit in, but I can see a small piece of myself in each of them. I think I'll have friends here, and I hope this will be home.

Fly: [trying to take back the potion from Joe] I'm convinced your words are true.

Joe: Who's this?

Fly: Please let me follow you.

Joe: What a nice young fish.

Fly: I'll hold the bottle, too.

Joe: Oh no, that won't be necessary.

Fly: I insist, just let me hold it.

Joe: [crossly] The bottle stays with me.

Fly: Just let me have a little sip.

Chuck: No Fly, no! We're at the bottom of the sea, you'll drown!

Joe: Hmm... arrest them!

Bus Driver: [driving a larger fish as a bus and addressing another fish] That will be two clams and five stones, madam.

Fly: [gathers a few clams and gives them to the driver] Here: keep the change.

Bus Driver: [clears his throat] Just a second! These are not valid.

Fly: Not valid?

Bus Driver: You'll have to get off.

Fly: W-what? Chuck, give me your glasses.

[to driver, handing him the lenses of the glasses]

Fly: Here, then; have these Transatlantic, Transpacific, worldwide, oceanic-approved deluxe coins.

Bus Driver: Very well, then. Here are the tickets.

Fly: Hold on. Uh, these two

[gesturing to Stella and Sasha]

Fly: are less than six years of age. They ride for free.

Bus Driver: Oh. Yes. Of course,

[hands Fly back one lens]

Bus Driver: here's a refund.

Fly: [gesturing to Chuck] And this poor fellow is half-blind.

Bus Driver: Well...

Fly: It's not fair that he should pay full price.

Bus Driver: I-I-I-I suppose that's...

Fly: And while we're at it, could we sell back the tickets we don't need?

Bus Driver: Uh, well, um...

[Fly gives back the unneeded tickets]

Bus Driver: Next time, have exact change!

Chuck: [to Fly] And what would have happened if it *didn't* work, genius?

[Debbie and Chuck enter Jim's hotel room to find Jim dressed as a nun, and with a gun on the chair]

Chuck: Religious Transvestite Bank robber. That one's not even in the book.

Ferdie: If you see a pair of pants go flyin' through the air, don't grab 'em.

Chuck: Why not?

Ferdie: I'll be in 'em!

Ferdie: I called 42 Oh, Chucks and you didn't come in.

Chuck: I came in as soon as you hollered "Oh, Chuck!"

Ferdie: From now on, don't wait for me to say "Oh, Chuck!" Get in here on the "Oh!"

Ferdie: Somebody blew out my candle!

Chuck: That was the wind.

Ferdie: Since when does the wind eat garlic?

Driver: [Ferdie parks his car disasterously] That man should have his license taken away.

Chuck: I'll see that he does as soon as he gets one.

Ferdie: He's all tied up and he's got a something in his mouth.

Chuck: He had a gag in his mouth.

Ferdie: If he did he never got a chance to tell it.

Chuck: Remember that stuff that took the enamel off your teeth?

Ferdie: Sure, once I had 6 bottles of that stuff, I didn't stagger.

Chuck: Didn't stagger?

Ferdie: I couldn't move.

Chuck: Everything happens to you.

Ferdie: Everything except what happened to Charlie Smith.

Chuck: He's nothing but a rumor.

Ferdie: I don't care if he's the landlord...

Chuck: But tomorrow's Linda's big day. She needs me. Send somebody else.

Butchie Peraino: OK. How about I send Linda for the film, and you can spend tomorrow with Harry's cock down your throat?

Chuck: [to Anthony Romano] This isn't small-time. I'm meeting this guy at Hef's party, OK? This guy, he owns half the adult bookstores on the West Coast. Millions in merchandise. Linda, like, sweet talks this guy, right? Or better yet, she sweet sucks this guy... we're made in the shade!

Chuck: Fifty, maybe a hundred thousand.

Linda: To do another fuck film?

Chuck: No, Linda, it's Shakespeare. I told them you do a great English accent, particularly with a cock down your throat.

Chuck: You're not invited, Simo.

Louis Simo: Were you?

Chuck: We're working.

Louis Simo: Why don't you lay off? Mister Harris!

Rick Harris: Hello, Louis.

Louis Simo: You come up from Palos Verdes just to see me?

Rick Harris: I came here to celebrate my friends' anniversary. You've met Mister Mannix.

Louis Simo: No. But we've got people in common. Ain't that right, Eddie?

Eddie Mannix: I've got nothin' in common with you.

Louis Simo: Bernice, the first missus. You like that car crash gimmick, huh?

Eddie Mannix: Rick...

Louis Simo: Riva Watson. She get all clingy? How'd it feel, pounding her face in? Happy times, huh, Ed?

Eddie Mannix: Richard, please.

Louis Simo: George Reeves...

Rick Harris: That's enough, Louis.

Louis Simo: Am I being indiscreet? Bad for business, huh?

Rick Harris: Louis, your problems are your own.

Louis Simo: Ricky, you cover for this prick?

Rick Harris: Whatever you're pursuing here, whatever fantasy... you've constructed will not alter your past.

Louis Simo: You had a bullet put in Reeves' head! He used the studio and the cops -

[Chuck punches him in the stomach]

Louis Simo: You're gonna burn in hell, you sonofabitch!

Eddie Mannix: Come here. You don't know me. You don't know what I think. What I do. I don't let you.

Louis Simo: You're an old man, Eddie. Who's gonna wipe the blood off your hands?

Eddie Mannix: My hands? I'm in the picture business.

Louis Simo: No, you're a murderer.

Eddie Mannix: Prove it. You hear me? Go on, I'm ready. Prove one fuckin' thing.

Ethan Brand: [woken in his bunk] Where are we?

Chuck: We just arrived at douche-ville. This is your stop!

[first lines]

Sloan: We're almost there, guys, I think. Just talked to the venue. They say, it's totally sold out. Almost.

Chuck: Any more Hot Pockets left?

Emmett: Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?

Enrique Salvatore: Yes.

Emmett: Where?

Enrique Salvatore: A restaurant in Concord, where no one could recognize us.

Emmett: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?

Enrique Salvatore: Three months.

Emmett: And your boyfriend's name is...

Enrique Salvatore: Chuck.

Emmett: Right.

[Everyone gasps/laughs]

Enrique Salvatore: Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.

Chuck: YOU BITCH!

John Gustafson: I hit the cans again!

Chuck: I heard. How is the Grinch today?

John Gustafson: Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.

Chuck: That's why girls always go to the bathroom together!

Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.

Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.

Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.

Chuck: Here's my phone number.

[Dave reads it]

Dave Buznik: "You're gonna die, bitch"?

Chuck: Oh, sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.

Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.

Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?

Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.

Stacy: Nice.

Gina: I bet you beat her good.

Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...

Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!

Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.

Chuck: I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood, a very bad mood! I was fired from my ice cream truck job today! No more Fudgicles!

Chuck: I still remember the war...

Dave Buznik: Oh, yeah?

Chuck: Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming...

Dave Buznik: Oh, you were in Vietnam?

Chuck: No... Grenada.

Dave Buznik: Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours?

Lou: I have a question: Why is it that Chuck here thinks he could smoke?

Chuck: Cause I do whatever I want whenever I want, you little Spanish fruit topping.

Lou: Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant.

Chuck: What, do you think you're better than me, 'cause you got both your nuts?

Chuck: You come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Chuck: I think Eskimos are smug.

Chuck: You're not funny. You look funny, but you're not funny.

Chuck: Otto's my Lotto.

Ira Wright: I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. You should come watch me.

Deli Manager: Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny.

Chuck: Nah, he's right man. No way, man. That shit was painful. I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. I had fucking nightmares after that.

Ira Wright: That was a long time ago. That was months ago. I've gotten a lot funnier since then.

Chuck: Then you bored my wife to sleep. I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.

Ira Wright: Don't blame me for your pussy issues.

Chris McConnell: [after Chris accidentally insults C.D.'s nose] Aren't you going to kill me? The guys said...

C.D. Bales: Oh, ordinarily, yeah, but not today.

Chris McConnell: How come?

C.D. Bales: Because yesterday... she didn't. But today... she does.

[They laugh together, as the guys come back in]

Chuck: So you finally got a sense of humor about your nose.

[C.D. grabs his tie and slams him against the wall, causing the guys to run out again]

Trash: Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You know, violently? And wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way to die?

Spider: I try not too think about dying too much.

Trash: Mm. Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me, and start biting and eating me alive.

Spider: I see.

Trash: First, they would tear off my clothes...

Chuck: Hey, somebody get some light over here, Trash is taking off her clothes again.

Chuck: Hey, Casey, do you like sex with death?

Casey: Yeah, so fuck off and die.

Tina: Why don't we go to the park?

Scuz: Oh we can't, the cops said they'd shoot us if we go back to the park.

Spider: Yeah, and I ain't in no mood to die tonight.

Trash: I like death.

Chuck: I like death with sex. Casey, do you like sex with death?

Casey: Yeah so fuck off and die.

Casey: Hey, is that Freddy?

Chuck: Where?

Casey: Over there, going into that building.

Chuck: No. That is NOT Freddy.

Casey: How would you know?

Chuck: Because, why would Freddy be going into a mortuary?

Bill: You tellin' me to shut up?

Chuck: I'm telling you to shut up! I will tell your recorder so that you don't forget!

[Chuck picks up tape recorder and turns it on]

Chuck: Hello, this is Chuck to remind Bill to SHUT UP!

Chuck: [elevator door opens; Chuck sees Belinda lying on the elevator floor] Oh my God. Did you fall down? Did somebody hit you?

Belinda Keaton: Other way round. Somebody hit me and then I fell down.

Chuck: I used to be an investment counselor.

Bill: Yeah?

[pause]

Bill: What's that?

Chuck: It's like a stockbroker.

Bill: So what're you doing babysitting stiffs? What were you... drinker? Big drinker?

Chuck: No!

Bill: Doper! Toothead! Nose candy! Coke!

Bill: [points to morgue cold chambers] What's in here, just stiffs and stuff?

Chuck: Uh, no, we call them "corpses."

Bill: Can I take a peek?

Chuck: Sure.

Bill: Alright!

Chuck: I think there's one in #7.

Bill: Hey, this Carboni guy! What's he, like, our boss or what?

Chuck: No, no, he's the supervisor. He's not here at night.

Bill: Nuh-uh! Get outta town! Just you and me and the stiffs alone? Here? That's gonna be radical, Chuck!

[Chuck opens morgue drawer]

Bill: That guy's dead!

Carl: Where the fuck is 4-K?

Chuck: What?

Carl: I'm sorry, I didn't know you was deaf! 4-K!

Roon Dimmick: Hey, I like your kimono! D'ya get that in 'Nam?

Chuck: Ah no, Fire Island.

Chuck: Too bad. I was really hoping to give a shit.

Chuck: Hey, let me give you a free lesson, all right? My way of saying, 'Don't press charges'.

Chuck: We're sorry, Ernest, Bobby didn't know the mace can was loaded.

Chuck: This guy is in love! L-U-V! Ernest is in love. Ernest and Charlotte sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first come love, then comes marriage, then comes Ernest pushing a baby carriage.

Ernest P. Worell: Hey! Listen, I gotta get these reindeer down to the children's museumm, like, five minutes ago, you know what I mean?

Chuck: Elms?

Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.

Chuck: Your name ain't Elms?

Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.

Chuck: We're holding these reindeer for a guy named "Helper Elms". Now, we've got some REAL good questions, and he'd better have some REAL good answers.

Ernest P. Worell: Look, it's a long story, but before I tell you, let me ask you something. Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Chuck: [eyes the flying reindeer on the ceiling] Somehow... I knew this question was going to come up.

Chuck: The 24th... That's Christmas Eve! Who in ther right minds would be working on Christmas Eve? I'll tell ya who? WE WHO, that's who? Christmas, Thanksgiving, the Super Bowl - Bobby, if it weren't for us, this airline would NEVER get off the ground!

Bobby: [a heavy crate tips over, pinning Bobby beneath it] Ugh!

Chuck: I guess if you want something done right, you got to do it yourself...

[tips the crate to look down at Bobby]

Chuck: Yo, Bob? Break's over!

Bobby: [Chuck drops the crate and it crushes Bobby again] Oooof!

Chuck: I don't suppose you'd like to go to the movies tonight?

Jane: Oh, fuck off.

Chuck: Well, I guess a blow job would really be out of the question then?

Jane: Not necessarily.

Chuck: Oh, yeah? So do you like, what, swallow it or spit it out, you know?

Jane: Fuck you!

Chuck: Fuck me? Well, that's kinda what I had in mind. You know, which way do you like it? Because I got the People's Almanac and it lists the six most favorite, popular positions with women, especially women like you. I can tell, because you have that kind of body.

Jane: Have you been with a woman?

Chuck: Yes.

[after Chuck sees Grace teaching his kids]

Chuck: How is it going otherwise with the fooling act?

Grace: I wasn't trying to fool anyone.

Chuck: I mean Dogville. Has it got you fooled yet?

Grace: I thought you were implying that I was trying to exploit the town.

Chuck: Wishful thinking. This town is rotten from the inside out and I wouldn't miss it if it fell into the gorge tomorrow. I see no charm here. But you seem to. Admit it, you've fallen for Dogville. The trees, the mountains, the simple folk. And if all that ain't got you fooled yet, I bet the cinnamon has. That damned cinnamon in those gooseberry pies. Dogville has everything that you ever dreamed of in the big city.

Grace: You're worse than Tom. How do you know what I dreamed of? You're from the city yourself, aren't you?

Chuck: That was a long time ago. I'm not that stupid anymore. I've found out that people are the same all over. Greedy as animals. In a small town they're just a bit less successful. Feed 'em enough, they'll eat till their bellies burst.

Grace: That's why you want to get rid of me... Because you can't stand that I remind you of what it was you came here to find.

Chuck: God only knows what that woman is capable of.

Grace: You know she's not capable of anything.

Chuck: I thought only pansies wore neckties.

Ren: See that? I thought only assholes used the word "pansy".

Ariel: You gotta get on that one, Chuck!

Chuck: SHUT UP! Son of a bitch is gonna pay for that!

Chuck: [to Ariel] Is that what I get, huh? I treated you decent!

Chuck: [after beating up Ariel] Huh? I was about through with you anyway!

Chuck: Time travel made that guy a real asshole.

Chuck: We've been at this for 72 hours straight. Only two more till we go live. I'll get you some more coffee. Coffee, amphetamines, more coffee. You're gonna kill yourself.

Jim Beale: We are precious moments from a topological anomaly.

Chuck: Is that what I should tell everyone at your funeral?

Jim Beale: No. You signed a confidentiality agreement.

Chuck: [On the TV show] How many gamblers did I bail out last weekend with my game of the year? A hundred dollar better made ten thousand dollars a five hundred dollar better made fifty thousand dollars I got six games on Sunday I'm releasing absolutely free these games are a burial, a blowout, a human lock, you can bet your children's unborn children on these six games ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Charlotte: Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe we're wasting our time; we could set the reflectors out and something would just come along and eat them.

Chuck: No... no. Myphonium tastes terrible.

Charlotte: What?

Chuck: My father was an astrophysicist. When I was a little kid I thought Myphonium was the most wonderful thing in the world. I tasted some... it tastes like old socks, heh heh heh.

Chuck: You try living with an expiration date of a couple of months.

Li: Where were you?

Chuck: Taking my first dump as a multi-millionaire.

Chuck: [in a quasi-Batman costume] Let the de-assholing begin.

Chuck: All right, let's see, what other cases? Uh, insurance scams. Faulty construction. Let's see, fake Viagra? Now that's really cruel.

Chuck: What's the problem? We still got each other, right? Bros before hos.

Chuck: I'm on a job. A psych job!

[big laugh]

Chuck: Sewing is for women and fruit cakes.

[last lines]

Chuck: So what are you gonna do?

Pang: Not sure. You?

Chuck: [slow confident smile]

Chuck: It's not cliché, it's formula. And it works.

Molly: [outside Wrigley Field] Do they play baseball here?

Satan: Yes.

Sam: Can I go on the field today?

Satan: I'm sorry, no.

Lana: What year was it built?

Satan: Uh, 19

[mumble mumble]

Satan: .

Bud: Is there a bathroom here?

Satan: Around the corner to the left - watch your butt.

Martin: Is there a game today?

Satan: There are 14 games today, all 28 major league teams will be in action, none of it will be taking place in this building.

Mamie: Do you have an emery board?

Satan: Yes.

[he pulls an emery board out of his shirt pocket]

Chuck: Do you prefer couches to armchairs?

Satan: Depends on what I'm doing. If I'm lounging with a book, I might.

Mr. Zodsworth: [while still aboard the bus] Didn't you once have a lizard?

Satan: Yes, and his name was 'Bubbles.'

Bridget: Yeah, do the Cubs need a new ballgirl?

Satan: I don't care.

Chuck: How come you never scream when we have sex?

Chili: Give me something to scream about.

Chuck: Shazam!

Chuck: They're playing our song.

Stacy: Alright, Let's dance.

[Pumps shotgun]

Chuck: You guys ready for the show? The loud show? Loud music show? ROCK AND ROLL?

Rev. Smith: I've done terrible things today! Horrible things!

Chuck: Reverend, I'm bagging bodies behind the police station for a bonfire.

Chuck: There are only 3 good American zombie movies, and Romero made all of them.

Waitress: And to drink?

Chuck: Coke

Waitress: Pepsi okay?

Chuck: Pepsi. Is Pepsi okay? No. No, my dear lady, Pepsi is not okay. Look, I don't mean to be rude here but let me school you on something. See, Pepsi, this so-called choice of a new generation, is nothing but a charlatan, a fraud, an imposter. See, the Pepsi cooperation, through years of slick advertising using glitzy popstars and pseudo-scientific research, have somehow conviced the public that their product is as good as, if not better than, Coke. Coke, however, is the original cola based carbonated beverage. The original real thing. That is what I want.

Waitress: All we have is Pepsi.

Chuck: You know, I've been somewhere else where they don't let you decide what you want to drink: Red China.

Waitress: We just have Pepsi now. That okay?

Chuck: Is Pepsi okay. Is. Pepsi. Okay? No, ma'am. It most certainly is not. Pepsi, the so-called choice of a new generation, is nothing but a charlatan. A fraud. An impostor, and a poor one at that. The Pepsi-Cola company has somehow, through years of advertisements featuring well-known recording artists and pseudo-scientific research, convinced the world's population that Pepsi-Cola is comparable to, if not better than, Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola being the first carbonated cola drink, truly the real thing. You know, I've been another place where they don't let you choose what you want to drink. Red China.

Chief Boyardie: This won't be easy, but you boys know all the surfers in this area and I need identification. Well, there it is.

Bob: What is it?

Chief Boyardie: Surfers. Two, maybe three. What's left of them.

Chuck: What happened?

Chief Boyardie: We're not sure. One thing's certain, it wasn't suicide.

Chuck: How do you know?

Chief Boyardie: There's no motive. Besides, it's impossible to cut off your own arms and legs... and head.

Bob: Check it out!

Chuck: Whoa! Wenches!

[both approach two girls]

Bob: Hi, I'm Bob. Excuse me, but are you available for dating?

Hot Potato #1: Well, perhaps. What did you have in mind?

Bob: Are you clean?

[steps into a driving arcade game]

Johnny Big Head: Have to drive to stay alive!

Cindy Lou: Johnny, you can't: it says it's out of order.

Johnny Big Head: Don't matter! I can't read!

Chuck: He's got an IQ of 53.

Cindy Lou: That's impossible!

Johnny Big Head: I know! I cheated! A-bow-bow!

Warwick: Look, either Susie goes out with me or I'm gonna personally flush you down the toilet limb-by-limb.

Chuck: Warwick, give me a break, okay? I just manage the band, alright? I don't run their personal lives.

Warwick: You know, you make a reasonable point there, Chuck. I'm being irrational. You're not the object of my anger, I'm merely displacing it on you because, well... because you're convenient. It's my own sense of inadequacy that disturbs me. Now if I'm going to deal with this thing maturely, I'm just gonna have to handle it all on my own.

Chuck: Warwick's heart was in the right place, even if his brains were just below his belt.

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: I had a wonderful dream. Louie, you were a free man, and you guys had $5,000, and you Gabe, you had a beautiful girl, and you Slip, you had a pile of gold.

Louie, aka Louie the Lout: I was a free man?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

Whitey, Chuck, Bobby: And we had $5,000?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

Gabe, aka The Klondike Kid: And I had a beautiful girl?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

Slip' Mahoney, aka 'Dead-Eye Dan McGurke: And I had a pile of gold?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah, wasn't it a wonderful dream?

Slip' Mahoney, aka 'Dead-Eye Dan McGurke: It sure was.

[hits Sach with his hat]

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: What was that for?

All: For waking up! Go back to sleep!