Chris "Oz" Ostreicher Quotes in American Pie (1999)

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Chris "Oz" Ostreicher Quotes:

  • Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

    Kevin: You want to take this one?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.

    Jim: Yeah?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.

    Jim: Apple pie, huh?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.

    Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

  • Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?

    Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!

    Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

  • Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.

    Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

  • Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

    Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!

    Kevin: Guys...

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!

    Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

  • Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?

    Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.

    Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?

    Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

  • Steve Stifler: You actually said that?

    [laughs hysterically]

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!

    Jim: You did better than me Nova.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.

    Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

    [shouts]

    Steve Stifler: *suck me beautiful!*

    [walks off, laughing]

  • Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.

    College Girl: What did you just say?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!

    [girl laughs]

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.

    College Girl: That's pathetic!

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.

  • Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.

    Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

  • [Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]

    Jim: Oh man...

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?

    Jim: And what did you say?

    Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.

    Jim: You think she was serious?

    Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"

    Jim: Yeah, yeah.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.

    Jim: Yeah.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.

    Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...

    Jim: Hey.

  • [Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon dude.

    Jim: She's a hot cartoon.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is ther anything you don't jerk off to?

    Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

  • [Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.

    Jim: Cassanova!

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.

    Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.

    Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.

    Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.

    Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

    Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!

    Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

    Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

    Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

  • [Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

    Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.

    Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.

    Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.

    [High-fives with Jim]

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?

    Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.

    [Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]

    Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

  • [Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

    Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?

    Jim: I did it. Don't care.

    Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.

    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.

    Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?

    Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

Browse more character quotes from American Pie (1999)

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