Chip Douglas Quotes in The Cable Guy (1996)

Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!

Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?

Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.

Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?

Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!

Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Chip Douglas: Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!

Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist.

Chip Douglas: Tho?

Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!

Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.

Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.

Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!

Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.

Chip Douglas: You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.

Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.

Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

Chip Douglas: The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.

Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.

Chip Douglas: Reality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.

Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!

Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!

Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.

Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.

Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?

Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.

Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.

Chip Douglas: I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Chip Douglas: What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!

Chip Douglas: [On Steve's Answer Phone] Awwwww shit.

Helicopter paramedic: Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.

Chip Douglas: Hey!

[helicopter paramedic learns forward]

Chip Douglas: Am I really your buddy?

Helicopter paramedic: Yeah, sure you are.

[an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]

Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

Chip Douglas: It was my treat.

Steven Kovacs: What do you mean it was your treat?

Chip Douglas: You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.

Steven Kovacs: Buy what?

Chip Douglas: What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.

Steven Kovacs: [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?

Chip Douglas: Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?

Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?

Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?

Steven: Um... Yeah.

Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.

Steven: Just forget it.

Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!

Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.

Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!

[laughs harder]

Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.

Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?

Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.

Chip Douglas: Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!

Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.

Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

Chip Douglas: I'll juice ya up.

Chip Douglas: Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

Chip Douglas: He who hesitates, masturbates.

Chip Douglas: Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!

Chip Douglas: I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.

Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?

Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.

Chip Douglas: I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.

Chip Douglas: You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!

Chip Douglas: [eating chicken at Medieval Times] Can I have your skin?

Steven Kovacs: Sure.

Chip Douglas: Check this out.

[places pieces of chicken skin over his face]

Chip Douglas: Silence of the lambs!

[imitates Hannibal Lecter]

Chip Douglas: Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.

[bursts out laughing]

Steven Kovacs: Oh lord.

Steven Kovacs: What's going on?

Chip Douglas: It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.

Steven Kovacs: Is this a normal part of the show?

Chip Douglas: No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.

Steven Kovacs: Is it safe?

Chip Douglas: Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.

Steven Kovacs: You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name.

Chip Douglas: You really wanna know my name? You do?

Steven Kovacs: Sure.

Chip Douglas: [after pause] It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.

[Smiles at Steven]

Steven Kovacs: Um... Goodbye.

Chip Douglas: Cable guy!

[pounds on the door]

Chip Douglas: Cably Guy? Cable Guy!

[Rings the buzzer]

Chip Douglas: Cabla goobla!

Steven Kovacs: What are you doing?

Chip Douglas: I'm just talking trash.

Steven Kovacs: You ruined the game.

Chip Douglas: I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...

Steven Kovacs: What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.

Chip Douglas: Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.

Steven Kovacs: I hate you! Get out of my life!

Chip Douglas: He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.

Robin Harris: No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!

[Steven is in jail]

Chip Douglas: Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.

Steven Kovacs: What's your real name?

Chip Douglas: It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.

Steven Kovacs: Why are you doing this to me?

Chip Douglas: I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.

[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]

Steven Kovacs: You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!

Chip Douglas: No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.

[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]

Steven Kovacs: Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!

Chip Douglas: Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?

[Bernie gives him a thumbs up]

Chip Douglas: All right!

Chip Douglas: I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!

[they are playing Porno Password - the password is "Vagina"]

Chip Douglas: Penis. Penis. Penis...?

Robin Harris: Vagina?

Chip Douglas: YES! She said "vagina"! She said "vagina"!

Steven's father: I would've said "schlong".

Chip Douglas: Great. Now we're starting to get this.

[playing Porno Password - the password is "Nipple"]

Chip Douglas: Hard...

Robin Harris: Erection?

Chip Douglas: [sighs] No. But thanks for noticing.

Chip Douglas: [after Steven has jumped on to the latter] Nice jump, Spider-Man!

Chip Douglas: [his first lines] Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!

Chip Douglas: [the police arrive at the satellite dish]

[mock terror]

Chip Douglas: Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"

Chip Douglas: Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.