Chip Quotes in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!
Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!
Ricky Bobby: Come on!
Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!
Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.
Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
Chip: What is wrong with you?
Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
Chip: [to Ricky Bobby] Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?
Ricky Bobby: Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!
Carley Bobby: If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
Chip: Jesus was a man! He had a beard!
Chip: Dad, it's me, Chip. How come the phone was busy just now?
Chip: Jesus. Look. I had to wake you and...
Chip: It's... happening! I can't believe it!
Chip: But we're locked into it. Fifty minutes and counting.
Chip: Christ, I just can't take it! I can't fucking take it!
Chip: I'm sorry, dad. I shouldn't swear.
Chip: I'm sorry, but this is it. This is really it! This is the big one!
Chip: Thor Arthur 66 ZZD.
Chip: I told you what would happen if it ever came down. Well, it is! We don't know why! Why would we, huh? It's for real, dad! It's no drill! We shoot our wad in fifty minutes. They're ging to pick us up in five or ten. And you could get it back in an hour and ten. Maybe seventy-five minutes!
Harry Washello: What exactly are you talking about?
Chip: I'm talking about nuclear fucking war.
Harry Washello: Who is this?
Chip: Where's my dad? Go get my dad!
Harry Washello: Your dad. Look, there's nobody here. Where's he supposed to be?
Chip: How the hell would I know? You're in Orange County and I'm in North Dakota!
Harry Washello: Hey, is this is some kind of a prank or something?
Chip: A prank? A prank? Oh, God! Is this 254-9411?
Harry Washello: Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is! But listen - it's just a phone booth. I-I-it's a phone booth in a coffee shop. I heard it ringing...
Chip: Isn't this 714? Did I dial 213? Shit!
Bala: Pardon me. I guess you don't recognize me. I've been traveling, and I'm all... schlumpy. I'm Princess Bala.
[aside to Muffy]
Chip: It's worse than I thought. They're Euro-trash.
Chip: Oh, please, Muffy. Not another crusade.
Chip: You have such a big heart. That's why you're my little cuddly-widdles.
Muffy: Oh, my big, strong pheronome factory.
[They eskimo kiss]
Z: [nauseated] Oh, brother. Suddenly, I just lost my appetite.
Pee-wee: This box contains over 217 bits and pieces of information, evidence. Exhibit A: A photograph of the victims, my bike and me.
Pee-wee: Exhibit B: Another photograph. What's missing from this picture? It's just me... WITHOUT MY BIKE!
[Amazing Larry whispers something to Mario]
Pee-wee: Is this something you can share with the rest of us Amazing Larry?
Amazing Larry: Uh... no.
Pee-wee: Exhibit C: The horn I was picking up at Chuck's Bikeorama when my bike was actually stolen!
[Honks the horn loudly scaring everyone]
Pee-wee: Exhibit D: Jimmy what is this? Too late! Chip!
Chip: It looks like a pen.
Pee-wee: Exactly! I bought this pen exactly one hour before my bike was stolen. Why? What's the significance? I DON'T KNOW!
Chip: Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
Cogsworth: [singing] Well, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before.
Mrs. Potts: [singing] There may be something there that wasn't there before.
Chip: What's there, Mama?
Mrs. Potts: Shh. I'll tell you when you're older.
Chip: Mama, there's a girl in the castle!
Mrs. Potts: Now Chip, I'll not have you making up such wild stories.
Chip: Really, Mama, I saw her!
Mrs. Potts: Not another word, into the tub.
Chip: [Mrs. Potts lifts Chip into the tub] But. What?
Featherduster: A girl! I saw a girl in the castle!
Featherduster: [Chip emerges from the water in the tub]
Chip: See? I told ya.
Rosemary: We're a family of late bloomers - I didn't until I was 14, and nor did Olive.
Chip: Why does that matter - I'm adopted!
Dill: [Freaking out] What? Oh my God! Who told you? Guys, we were going to do this at the right time!
Chip: [being spanked as part of Omega's initiation] Thank you, sir! May I have another?
Chip: I noticed your glass was getting a little low so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.
Sara: [bemused] Thank you.
Chip: And I couldn't help but notice... you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Sara: What's your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aww, you can't get them to stop?
Chip: [laughs] That was funny.
Sara: Listen, Chip, I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room and try to generate a relationship out of thin air, so don't take the following personally...
Chip: You have fantastic eyes.
Sara: [chuckles] Thanks, try to listen. I... uh, this is no reflection on you, I'm just not interested. But thank you for the compliment of coming over.
Chip: You're welcome. So, do you like Cuban food?
Sara: Chip, seriously, that wasn't code for "I wish you'd try harder".
Chip: Are you always so shut down and afraid? That the right man might make you feel...
Hitch: [puts a hand on Chip's shoulder] ... Feel like a natural woman?
Hitch: Sorry, I'm late, honey, I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting?
Sara: Ooh. Well, there was a beginning, a middle... and an end. Nice to meet you, Chip.
Chip: [stands up to walk away] You, too.
Betsy Jobs: What are you doing?
Chip: Beer Bong?
Betsy Jobs: I'm definitely tripping already... heavily.
Chip: Know any elephant jokes?
Pudge: Is that a remark?
Pudge: Sorry. I guess I'm just sensitive about my weight.
Chip: What weight?
Chip: I'm so happy I could shit.
Beverly: Chip, you know how I hate the brown word.
Chip: Mom, are you a serial killer?
Beverly: The only "serial" I know anything about is Rice Krispies.
Brunhilde Esterhazy: [as Lucy prepares to go out] Don't worry, Lucy, I'll do the same for you one of these days.
Lucy Schmeeler: When will you ever get the opportunity?
Chip: Goodbye, Miss Schmeeler.
Lucy Schmeeler: Goodbye, Mr. Chips!
Chip: Gee, Gabey, why d'ya wanna chase girls all the time?
Gabey: I'll tell ya when your voice changes, junior.
Chip: Hilde you're the prettiest cab driver in the whole wide world
Gabey, Chip, Ozzie: [singing] New York, New York, a wonderful town / The Bronx is up and the Battery down / The people ride in a hole in the ground / New York, New York, it's a wonderful town!
Chip: [immediately after sex] Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. Oh. Oh, that was so good. Mmm. Almost five years 'n' it just keeps getting better, you know, Carole? Carole?
Carole Singer: I think we need separate vacations.
Chip: What? You've been talking to those girlfriends of yours, haven't you?
Carole Singer: No. I've got a mind of my own.
Chip: What about the ski trip? I mean, we've been planning it all semester!
Carole Singer: I know, but I really think that separate vacations would strengthen our relationship.
Chip: And just where are you planning on spending your separate vacation of yours?
Carole Singer: Fort Lauderdale.
Chip: Fort Lauderdale?
Deva: I'm telling you, these dogs have a sex-life better than ours!
Chip: Better than *yours*, not ours
Harold: What is that?
Chip: It's a tattoo, you moron.
Harold: I mean, of what?
Chip: The fuckin' fuck you finger, dumbshit.
Harold: That looks bad. You drew it yourself?
[the kids on their way to the location of the Halloween School Bus Massacre]
Chip: You must really like Halloween.
Rhonda: You mean Samhain?
Rhonda: Samhain, also known as All Hallows' Eve, also known as Halloween. Pre-dating Christianity, the Celtic holiday was celebrated on the one night between autumn and winter when the barrier between the living and the dead was thinnest and often involved rituals that included human sacrifice.
Rhonda: I like your eye patch.
[the kids show up to pick up Rhonda from her decorated jack-o'-lantern home as she walks out]
Sara: This is weird.
Chip: [Chip points] Is that Rhonda the retard?
Macy: She's not a retard. She's an idiot savant.
Sara: Here she comes.
Macy: You're on Schrader.
[the rest of the kids walk ahead]
Schrader: Did you carve all of these yourself?
Rhonda: Yeah. Made my costume too. Like it?
Schrader: [smiles] I do. I'm Schrader.
Rhonda: [smiles] Rhonda.
[the response of the kids after Macy tells them the school bus massacre story]
Sara: You are so full of shit.
Macy: Really? Well, then I guess you won't mind being first.
Sara: First what?
Macy: Eight victim, eight jack-o'-lanterns, each one representing a lost soul. So we're going to leave them by the side of the lake as an offering to those who died.
[Steven Wilkens drags Charlie into the house when he gets some unexpected Trick or Treaters]
[the kids knock saying Trick or Treat!]
Chip: We know you're in there.
Sara: We can see you.
Steven: [the kids start pounding and ringing the door bell as Mr. Wilken's screams] Just a minute!
[Steven opens the door and the kids scream at his bloody chocolate covered shirt]
Steven: Wait. No, no. Shh, shh. No.
[the kids start laughing]
Chip: Uh, great costume, Mr. Wilkens.
Steven: [muttering] Oh, right, candy.
Macy: Uh, Principal Wilkens, do you think that we might be able to have your jack-o'-lantern, please?
Steven: You're not gonna smash it, are you?
Macy: No, it's a scavenger hunt, for UNICEF.
[Macy smiles then gets nervous]
Steven: Anything for a good cause.
[Chip notices the blood trail leading from Steven's porch into his home, Chip slowly looks up at him]
Steven: [whispers] Happy Halloween.
Chip: Yeah. Happy Halloween.
[Chip leaves and reveals Sam standing behind him]
Steven: [Steven jiggles the candy bowl at Sam] Did you get one?
[Sam quickly grabs a candy before walking down the porch steps, Sam drag his candy bag that let's out what sounds like a cat screaming when Steven closes the front door]
Sara: That bus is around here somewhere. I think it's over here.
Schrader: Over where? I can't see shit in this fog. Think I found a dead retard.
Macy: That's me asshole.
Schrader: Like I said.
Macy: Both of you shut up and keep looking.
Schrader: There's something moving by that rock.
Macy: I can't see.
Sara: Jesus, what is that?
Sara: Help me!
Macy: Sara! Where's Sara? Run!
Schrader: There's nowhere to go!
Chip: Up! I wanna go back up!
[the kids arrive at the location site of the old Halloween School Bus Massacre]
Schrader: Great, a rock quarry. Nice way to celebrate Halloween, Macy.
Chip: Why are we here?
Macy: To pay our respects to the dead.
Chip: What happened? Did somebody die here?
Sara: Wait. Is this where - ? It is isn't it? This is where that school...
Macy: Shut up, Sara.
Chip: The Halloween School Bus Massacre.
Macy: Just don't call it that.
Schrader: What's she talking about?
Sara: It's this awesome town legend. There's this bus full of...
Macy: Jesus, will you shut up and let me tell the damn story?
Rhonda: You said a bad word.
[Macy rolls her eyes at Rhonda before telling the story]
Macy: It happened 30 years ago on a late Halloween afternoon.
Macy: [begins narrating the flashback] A school bus was on its usual route. But this wasn't your typical school bus and they weren't your typical kids. There were eight of them and they were different. Troubled. Disturbed. Every day, parents put their dirty secrets on this bus to be driven to a school miles out of town.
[we see the kids each in their creepy Halloween masks and costumes]
Vampire Kid: [we see the vampire kid in his seat counting the addresses outside] 3260. 3264. 3266.
Macy: [continuing to narrate] But that day... the driver took a different route.
Vampire Kid: Wrong way. Wrong way. Wrong way.
Macy: And instead of taking the students home he drove the bus to an abandoned rock quarry. This rock quarry.
Macy: What the kids didn't know is that, over the years, their parents had become exhausted, and embarrassed. And they were willing to do anything to ease their burden. So one day, the parents approached the bus driver and made him an offer. With the money collected together, they asked him to do the unthinkable. It almost worked perfectly.
[the bus driver quiets the kids and begins to walk down the bus checking that each chained down kid is correct, passing them each a piece of candy]
Vampire Kid: [the vampire kid begins to try and slip out of his chains] Wrong way. Wrong way. Home. Home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Home.
Vampire Kid: [the vampire kid manages to get behind the steering wheel of the bus] Home. Home. Home. I wanna go home. Home.
[the bus drives forward off the rock quarry with the bus driver surviving]
Macy: [narrating] The driver was never heard from again. As for the bus, some say it sank so deep that it couldn't be found. Others say the town just didn't want it to be found. For all we know, it's still down there and so are those kids.
[silence as the kids look down into the rock quarry]
[the kids ring the door bell and in unison say trick or treat]
Mrs. Henderson: [screams and laughs looking very tipsy with a house party behind her] Aren't you guys adorable?
Macy: Thanks, Mrs. Henderson. That's a great costume.
Mrs. Henderson: I know.
[Mrs. Henderson gives them a spin in her kitty outfit]
Mrs. Henderson: Isn't it just purr-fect? You want a drink or something?
Mrs. Henderson: It'll be our little secret.
Sara: [smiles] Sure.
Macy: No, thanks. But, um...
Mrs. Henderson: All right, fine. I'll see what I got for you.
[Mrs. Henderson walks away leaving the door open]
Macy: Actually, Mrs. Henderson, we were sort of wondering if you might...
Coach Taylor: [the kids look in and see in the distance a couple in costume having sex] Oh yeah!
Macy: If you might...
Chip: [Chip raises his pirate eye patch] Holy shit.
Macy: ...Have a jack-o'-lantern... we could borrow.
Mrs. Henderson: [Mrs. Henderson returns with candy] Here you go. Now, be safe... and watch out for monsters.
[closes the door]
Sara: [talking along the street] I don't even know what that was.
Chip: Coach Taylor was in a hot-dog costume butt-fucking a pig. I think. And then...
Macy: Chip, let's just not.
Ricky Caldwell: That's enough.
Chip: Oh, it speaks!
Ricky Caldwell: I said, that's enough.
Chip: Listen Bud... that's what she said when I fucker her brains out on the backseat of old Red here.
Mrs. Potts: [hanging from a chandelier] How do you like your tea? Hot enough or *boiling*?
[sees her husband]
Mrs. Potts: [shocked] Mr. Potts!
[loses her grip, and falls, screaming]
[LeFou catches her]
Mrs. Potts: Thank you!
[LeFou nods "You're welcome". He spots the villagers about to attack them and dodges them. Mrs. Potts boils one villager up with tea]
LeFou: Take that!
[LeFou punches the other villager and turns to Mrs. Potts]
Mrs. Potts: Nicely handled!
LeFou: Well, I used to be on Gaston's side. but we are so in a bad place right now...
Mrs. Potts: You're too good for him anyway.
Mrs. Potts: Should we get back to it, then?
[LeFou nods enthusiastically and runs off with her to join the servants in driving off the villagers]
Chip: [to Belle, giggles] Pleased to meet you! Wanna see me do a trick?
[blows a bubble]
Chip: Mom said I wasn't supposed to move because it might be scary. Sorry.
Maurice: It's alright.
[he flees the dining hall in fear]
Chip: [to Belle] Wanna see me do a trick?
[blows a bubble]
Lumière: Oh, my prince!
Prince: Hello, old friend.
Lumière: It's so good to see you!
Plumette: You saved our lives, mademoiselle.
Chip: Belle, It's me! It's Chip!
[he hugs Belle]
Browse more character quotes from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Characters on Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
- Opening text
- Texas Ranger
- Cal Naughton, Jr.
- Ricky Bobby
- Lucy Bobby
- Lucius Washington
- Jean Girard
- Reese Bobby
- 10-year-old Ricky
- Passenger on Bus
- Larry Dennit, Jr.
- 10-Year-Old Cal
- Waffle House Manager
- PA Announcer
- Mike Joy
- Carley Bobby
- Jamie McMurray
- Bill Weber
- John Hannafin
- Kenny Rogers
- Benny Parsons