Chili Palmer Quotes in Be Cool (2005)

Elliot Wilhelm: When are you going to call me?

Chili Palmer: When your phone rings.

Raji: Man in the suit. You in town for some kind of convention?

Chili Palmer: No, but if I was, you'd be the man to see, am I right?

Raji: Why would you say something like that?

Chili Palmer: The way you're dressed, you're either a pimp or a limo driver.

Raji: We've got jokes? You some kind of a weak-ass comedian?

Chili Palmer: Raji, look at me.

Raji: I'm looking at you, man!

Chili Palmer: You say you're looking at me, but are you really looking at me?

Raji: I'm really looking at you. You got something stupid to say? Say it, so I can be done with you.

Chili Palmer: Linda's quit. She's out of The Chicks

Raji: Man, miss me with that. She's got five years left in her contract.

Chili Palmer: Well, I've just canceled it.

Raji: You come walking out of the dark. Who are you supposed to be?

Chili Palmer: I'm the one setting you straight. I'm Linda's new manager.

[first lines]

Chili Palmer: I hate sequels.

[from trailer]

Linda Moon: That's my manager, Roger.

Chili Palmer: He talks like that?

Linda Moon: He thinks he's black.

[from trailer]

Chili Palmer: [about a Honda Insight] It's the Cadillac of hybrids.

Martin Weir: But what about speed?

Chili Palmer: If you're important, people will wait.

Chili Palmer: What's this movie about?

Tommy Athens: Me!

Chili Palmer: I couldn't even get your mother to watch that movie.

Chili Palmer: Dabu.

Dabu: Player!

Fast Freddie: Who are all these people trying to kill you?

Chili Palmer: I don't know. I'm in the music business now. It could be anybody.

Chili Palmer: Next time you come to my house to kill me, make sure I'm home first!

Chili Palmer: [after seeing Raji in a Mink covered coat and hat] Well, if it isn't Flea Diddy.

Raji: Man, don't be comin' in here pretendin' you know anything about rap.

Chili Palmer: Oh, but I know more about rap than you do. I bet you don't even know who the Sugarhill Gang is.

Raji: But, I know who the Bust Da Cap In Yo Ass Gang is.

[Sin LaSalle and the DubMD's are standing in front of Chili Palmer's Insight]

Sin LaSalle: Well, imagine the odds, me and my crew was just out getting' some Mongolian barbecue and we stumble across your ol' weak ass ride.

Chili Palmer: Did you leave any food in Mongolia?

Chili Palmer: How many miles to the gallon to you get on those Hummers, about 12?

Dabu: Nine.

Sin LaSalle: Dabu! Thank you, Mr. Goodwrench.

Chili Palmer: [gets up]

Tommy Athens: Hey, wait. Where are you going?

Chili Palmer: I'm going to the men's. I just had two ice teas.

Tommy Athens: Hey, Chil. How does the movie sound?

Chili Palmer: Well, you don't have a movie yet. You have a setting and a premise. But you don't have character arcs or a plot

Tommy Athens: [while Chili is going to the restroom] Hey, who will play me? Think about that.

Chili Palmer: [turns around] What about Carrot Top?

Chili Palmer: Evening, gentlemen. Interesting choice of music.

Sin LaSalle: "That cold black cloud's comin' down." Gotta love Dylan, man. Biograph. It's a great album. You know, we wouldn't have this song without it.

Chili Palmer: But we would've. Because, you see, Dylan wrote that originally for that Peckinpah movie with James Coburn.

Sin LaSalle: You're in no position to correct me.

Chili Palmer: It was to a soundtrack. Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid.

Dabu: Yup. Same song they played when Slim Pickens died in his wife's arms. Right?

Chili Palmer: This man knows his westerns.

Dabu: Good movie.

Sin LaSalle: [Sarcastically] Gentlemen, thank you very much for that VH1 moment in music history.

Edie Athens: Hey, look. Steven Tyler's in town.

Chili Palmer: Yeah.

Edie Athens: Aerosmith playing at the Staples Center. Tell me Dream On is not the greatest rock and roll song you have ever heard.

Chili Palmer: You know what we oughta do? We oughta call him.

Edie Athens: Call who?

Chili Palmer: Steven.

Edie Athens: Why?

Chili Palmer: So he could listen to Linda's music, he could see for him self that it's terrific, and maybe he'll help us launch her career at his concert.

Edie Athens: That's a great idea, Chill.

Chili Palmer: Yeah.

Edie Athens: Hey, and maybe Bono and Sting will come down and we could all cut a Christmas album.

Chili Palmer: You know him, don't you?

Edie Athens: Know him? Steven Tyler? Chili, I know his socks.

Chili Palmer: Edie, you have a tattoo of Aerosmith on your ass. You can't get a meeting with him? We want Steven Tyler, we'll get Steven Tyler.

Martin Weir: Hey, Chili, is that your car?

Chili Palmer: Yeah, it's an Insight, it's the 'Cadillac of Hybrids.'

Martin Weir: A little tight for a big guy like you.

Chili Palmer: Small price to pay for the environment.

Ray "Bones" Barboni: Let me explain something to you. Momo is dead. Which means that everything he had now belongs to Jimmy Cap, including you. Which also means, that when I speak, I speak for Jimmy. E.g., from now on, you start showing me the proper fucking respect.

Chili Palmer: "E.g." means "for example". What I think you want to say is "I.e.".

Ray "Bones" Barboni: Bullshit! That's short for "ergo".

Chili Palmer: Ask your man.

Bodyguard: To the best of my knowledge, "e.g." means "for example".

Ray "Bones" Barboni: E.g., i.e., fuck you! The point is this: is that, When I say "jump", you say "OK", okay?

Chili Palmer: Now I've been shot at three times before. Twice on purpose and once by accident. And I'm still here. And I'm gonna be here for as long as I want to be.

Bo Catlett: I'd like to introduce my associate, The Bear. Movie stuntman, champion bodybuilder. Throws out things I don't want.

Bear: I think you ought to turn around and head back to Miami.

Chili Palmer: So you're a stuntman, huh?

Bear: Yeah.

Chili Palmer: You any good?

Bear: Am I any good?

[He turns to Bo, laughing. Chili grabs him by the balls, then throws him down the stairs]

Chili Palmer: That's not bad for a guy his size.

Chili Palmer: What is that?

Rental Car Attendant: It's an Oldsmobile Silhouette.

Chili Palmer: I ordered a Cadillac.

Rental Car Attendant: Oh, well, you got the Cadillac of minivans.

Chili Palmer: Rough business, this movie business. I'm gonna have to go back to loan-sharking just to take a rest.

Karen Flores: Anyway, what about your story? You thought of a title yet?

Chili Palmer: How about "Get Shorty"?

Bo Catlett: You broke into my house, and I have a witness to it.

Chili Palmer: What?

Bo Catlett: Only this time it ain't no John Wayne and Dean Martin shooting bad guys in "El Dorado."

Chili Palmer: That was "Rio Bravo." Robert Mitchum played the drunk in "El Dorado." Dean Martin played the drunk in "Rio Bravo." Basically, it was the same part. Now John Wayne, he did the same in both. He played John Wayne.

Bo Catlett: Man, I can't wait for you to be dead.

[repeated line]

Chili Palmer: Look at me.

Karen Flores: I think you could be an actor.

Chili Palmer: Well, I could see myself in the parts that Robert De Niro plays. Or maybe even, an Al Pacino movie, you know, playing a real hard-on. But I couldn't see myself in those movies where three grown-up guys get left with a baby, and so they act like three grown-up assholes, acting all cute...

Karen Flores: Chili, Chili, look at me.

[after Bo's balcony rail gives way, pitching Bo over the side to the bottom of the canyon]

Chili Palmer: How do you think that happened?

[Bear holds up a handful of screws and nuts]

Bear: Beats the shit out of me.

Bo Catlett: You understand, I knew Harry was lying, saying this wasn't any good, but holding on it, man, you'd have to break his fingers to get it away from him.

Chili Palmer: That's funny, because I was just thinking what I'd have to break of yours to get it away from you.

Bo Catlett: Now I'm explaining to you what I'm doing here, in case you thought I came to rob the place, rip off any of this dusty old shit that the man has.

Chili Palmer: I wouldn't make you out to be a burglar, not in that outfit.

Chili Palmer: Martin, look at me.

Martin Weir: I'm looking at you

Chili Palmer: No, look at me the way I'm looking at you.

Chili Palmer: I'm not gonna say any more than I have to, if that.

Chili Palmer: Hey, Bones, that's quite a scar you got on your head. Why don't you have these guys fit you for a rug, cover it up for you?

Ray "Bones" Barboni: [to the barbers] You two geezers take your game to the park.

[He goes into the back room]

Bodyguard: [menacing] This man is the man, you understand what I'm saying, motherfucker? He's *Mister* Bones. And you speak to Mister Bones from now on.

Chili Palmer: [quietly] Come on, you can do better than him, can't you?

Bodyguard: [lowers voice] Not these days. Not unless you speak Spanish.

Chili Palmer: Martin, look at me.

Martin: I'm looking at you.

Chili Palmer: No, I want you to look at me the way I'm looking at you. Put it in your eyes, 'You're mine, asshole,' without saying it.

Martin: Like this?

[heavy lidded eyes]

Chili Palmer: What you're telling me, you're tired? You wanna go to bed?

Martin: Wait. How about this?

[squints]

Chili Palmer: Now you're squinting like you need glasses.

Martin: Well, what are you getting...

Chili Palmer: Look at me. What I'm thinking is, 'You're mine. I fuckin' own you.' But what I'm not doing is feeling anything about it one way or the other. You understand? You're not a person to me, you're a name in my collection book, a guy owes me money, that's all.

[Martin does the look once again]

Chili Palmer: Whoah.

Karen Flores: He's... he's good.

Chili Palmer: You nailed it.

Martin: [guttural] That's what I think of you, asshole. Nothing.

Chili Palmer: That's why you're Martin Weir.

Leo: But how will you find me? You don't know where I'll be... I don't know where I'll be.

Chili Palmer: I'll find you, Leo, you leave a trail like a fuckin' caterpillar.

Harry Zimm: I said I'd think about it. In this town, what does that mean? Nothing!

Chili Palmer: Well, that's the difference between you and me, Harry. I say what I mean. I want Martin Weir? I go out and get Martin Weir. I don't fuck around with this bullshit with the trainer's shrink.

Chili Palmer: Harry Zimm.

Harry Zimm: Jesus Christ!

Chili Palmer: How you doing? I'm Chili Palmer.

Harry Zimm: Jesus, if I have a heart attack, I hope you know what to do.

Chili Palmer: If you're gonna set somebody up, it's gotta be a surprise, you got that?

Bear: You spotted them, huh?

Chili Palmer: What, did you see that work in some movie you got beat up in?

[after Chili beats up Bear]

Chili Palmer: Bear, look at me. You tell your boss I don't ever want to see him again. And that means he's got to be nowhere near me, Karen, or Harry. You understand?

[Bear nods]

Chili Palmer: Okay, get up. What are you hanging around that guy for, anyway? I mean, you were in the movies, right? You were a stuntman. What's he ever done that he can talk about? You okay?

Bear: Not too bad.

Chili Palmer: How about when you fell down the stairs?

Bear: Pulled my quadriceps.

Chili Palmer: So how many movies you been in, anyway?

Bear: About sixty.

Chili Palmer: No shit. What were some of them?

Bo Catlett: Harry called you his associate. What exactly does that mean? I mean, I never heard your name, or read it in Variety, or The Star, or anyplace.

Chili Palmer: It's what he said, I'm his associate.

Bo Catlett: You must bring something heavy to the deal.

Chili Palmer: I do: me.

Bo Catlett: It says here you're getting Martin Weir for the part of Lovejoy?

Chili Palmer: That's right, we're getting Martin.

Bo Catlett: Come on, how you gonna do that?

Chili Palmer: I'm gonna take a gun, I'm gonna put it to his head, and say, "sign the fucking papers, Martin, or you're dead." That's it.

Bo Catlett: I wonder, would that work?

Chili Palmer: I can't believe the way you do business out here. I can't believe how fucked-up your organization is.

Bo Catlett: I tell you what. How about I count to three, and I organize your fucking brain all over the wall back there. How 'bout that?

Chili Palmer: Leo, sit down. I don't know how you got this far, you're so fucking dumb. But you're through now, and let me explain why. Ray Bones is the man that you're dealing with now, and when Bones finds out what you did, he's gonna take everything, including the sporty little hat you got on your head. And then most likely he'll shoot you, so you won't tell on him. Now, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna hurt you. Now you got three hundred and ten thousand in the bag here. I'm gonna take the three hundred thousand that you scammed from the airline, and then the ten that's left over, I'm gonna borrow from you and pay back at another time.

Leo: Wait, you take all my money, but you're borrowing part of it?

Chili Palmer: At eighteen percent. Now don't ask another fucking question, I'm leaving.

Ronnie Wingate: Excuse me bro', but who the fuck are you?

Chili Palmer: I'm the one tellin' you how it is...

Chili Palmer: Harry, look at me. You're trying to tell me you fucked up without sounding stupid, and that's hard to do.

Chili Palmer: You had a bad day, huh?

Karen Flores: I spent all day crawling out of a grave. The director said that I was incapable of reaching the emotional core of the character.

Chili Palmer: What? Well, obviously he didn't see you in "Bride of the Mutant."

Karen Flores: You saw that one?

Chili Palmer: When you turn to the alien mother, and you tell her that her time on earth is finished, Joan Crawford, on her best day, wishes that she had, in her day, the emotion and the intensity that you brought to that scene.

Karen Flores: I know I'm better than what I've been doing all these years, walking around in fuck-me pumps and a tank-top, waiting until it was time to scream.

Chili Palmer: Yeah, but what a scream.

Karen Flores: Oh yeah, it's a real talent. Look, all I'm saying is, what I wouldn't give for the chance to say one really great line. You know, like in that great Bette Davis movie where she says, "I'd kiss you... "

Chili Palmer: "But I just washed my hair."

Leo: But you won't know where I am. I mean, I don't even know where I'll be!

Chili Palmer: I'll find you, Leo. You leave a trail like a fucking caterpillar.

Nicky: How's Momo these days anyway?

Chili Palmer: Dead.

Chili Palmer: How did you get in here?

Ray Bones: It was easy. I told 'em I was you, I acted real stupid and they believed me.

Karen Flores: Weren't you scared back there?

Chili Palmer: You bet.

Karen Flores: You don't act like it.

Chili Palmer: Well, I was scared then, but I'm not scared now. How long do you want me to be scared?

Chili Palmer: I'm the guy who's telling you the way it is.

Chili Palmer: That's Martin Weir! He's the one who played the mob guy-turned snitch in "Cyclone!"

Harry Zimm: One of his best parts.

Chili Palmer: No, his best part was when he played the crippled gay guy who climbed Mt. Whitney.

Harry Zimm: "Ride the Clouds." Good picture.

Chili Palmer: Hey, Karen, how you doing?

Karen Flores: What are you doing here?

Chili Palmer: Listen, I wanted to come by and apologize for breaking in the way I did last night.

Karen Flores: So, let me get this straight. You broke in again to apologize for breaking in before?

Chili Palmer: No, no. Your patio door was open. And you shouldn't do that because you got a lot of nice things in this house.

Karen Flores: Well, make sure you lock it on your way out.

Chili Palmer: I got an idea for a movie.

Doris: What can I tell you? I stopped by his office to see if he wanted to take me to Le Dome for dinner, when I see Harry and some other man lying on the floor.

[to the policemen]

Doris: Goodnight, Todd. Goodnight Lewis.

Chili Palmer: Oh, man. Oh, Jesus.

Karen Flores: Harry, my God.

Doris: [to Harry] Harry, my God.

Doris: He can't talk. He's full of Demorol.

Chili Palmer: What happened?

Doris: Well, according to Todd, Sergeant Randall, a man named Ronnie came by Harry's office to collect on a debt. He got rough and Harry shot him.

Karen Flores: I think you could be an actor. I know you're acting sometimes but you don't show it.

Chili Palmer: You thought I was faking?

Karen Flores: Yesterday you were a loan shark.

Chili Palmer: Yeah, but I was never into it and especially that bullshit about having respect. Forget about it, it's bad enough treating these guys like their your heroes, you know, smiling those stupid comments, they think are so funny.

Karen Flores: You think the movie business is any different?

Harry Zimm: He's got a major star interested and would I produce it?

Chili Palmer: Which star?

Harry Zimm: Two time Academy Award nominee Martin Weir.

Harry Zimm: I guess in your line of work, there's times you gotta get rough, huh? In case one of your customers don't pay.

Chili Palmer: They always pay.

Harry Zimm: You pack a gun?

Chili Palmer: Not really.

Chili Palmer: So you make movies, huh?

Harry Zimm: I produce feature motion pictures. No T.V.

Harry Zimm: Have we met? I don't recall.

Chili Palmer: We just did. I told you, my name is Chili Palmer.

Chili Palmer: [to the waiter] Well do you see a black leather jacket, fingertip length like the one Pacino wore in "Serpico"? 'Cause if you don't you owe me three hundred and seventy nine dollars.

[last lines]

Chili Palmer: [to Karen about Martin] You can't make a Martin Weir into a Mel Gibson. Where do you want to go? You want to go to Dan Tana's?

Chili Palmer: Let me help you. Go ahead. Suck on it.

Chili Palmer: Tommo? Chili.

Tommy Carlo: Where you been? I been calling all over for you. Ray Bones is looking for you. Where the hell are you?

Chili Palmer: I'm in L.A. now.

Tommy Carlo: What are you doing out there?

Chili Palmer: Going into the movie business. I'm thinking about producing.

Tommy Carlo: What the fuck do you know about making movies?

Chili Palmer: I don't think the producer has to know much.

Tommy Carlo: I think you're full of shit.

Chili Palmer: Look, I didn't come down to sunny Florida to freeze my ass. You follow me? You get the coat back or you give me the three seventy-nine dollars my ex-wife paid for it at Alexander's.

Chili Palmer: You know, Welles didn't even want to do this movie. But he had some studio contract he couldn't get out of. Sometimes you do your best work when you got a gun to your head.

Ray "Bones" Barboni: Don't you know you you're the dumbest fuck I ever met my whole life? You should've told me about Leo Devoe as soon as you found out about him because his a customer of mine he belongs to me well what do we have here? A locker key? But where's the locker? now I wonder what this could be

Chili Palmer: Check the bag at the airport

Ray "Bones" Barboni: [Points the gun to Chili's head] Which terminal?

Chili Palmer: Southern

Ray "Bones" Barboni: You found Leo? You found him and took the poor bastard's money and put it in a locker at the airport all ready to go, why haven't you left?

Chili Palmer: I like it out here

Ray "Bones" Barboni: I've been thinking there's really no reason why you and I shouldn't get along forget all the other stuff that happened before I don't even remember how this mess started you took a swing at me for some fucking reason I say fuck it, I say you owe me money, I say fuck that, I say you owe me the juice on the money I say fuck that too I say "live and let die" but this locket key is strictly between you and I, you say nothing to nobody about this, understood?

Chili Palmer: Whatever you say

Ray "Bones" Barboni: Then it's all settled I'll see you around

Ray "Bones" Barboni: [Looking in his client book] You got a miss Leo Devoe is six weeks over on the vig

Chili Palmer: His dead

Ray "Bones" Barboni: How'd you know his dead? Did he tell you?

Chili Palmer: Yeah he told me he was dead

Ray "Bones" Barboni: Personally?

Chili Palmer: Yeah he personally told me he got killed in that jet crash a month ago

Ray "Bones" Barboni: Maybe he took out flight insurance, go check with his wife

Chili Palmer: I never thought you'd be this dumb leaving three hundred grand in a bag in the closet under an extra blanket but I guess you are

Leo: I didn't know where to put it where would you?

Chili Palmer: How about a bank?

Leo: They'd report it to the IRS

Chili Palmer: You don't open an account you put it in a safety deposit box dip it in whenever you want

Leo: How did you know I was here?

Chili Palmer: I'll give you another tip, next time you write to your wife don't use hotel stationary

Leo: It was Faye wasn't it? She told you about the money? Did she tell you my whole life history too?

Chili Palmer: I'm here to save your ass

Leo: How? By taking my money?

Chili Palmer: No, you get to keep the money you won today that's yours

Leo: It's all mine

Chili Palmer: I don't know how you got this far, your so fucking dumb but your through and I'm going to explain why and I hope you're not so dumb you won't understand, Ray Bones is the man your dealing with now when Bones finds out what you did his going to take everything including the sporty little hat you got on your head and most likely he'll shoot you so you won't tell on him but I'm not going to do that I'm not going to hurt you now you got three hundred and ten thousand in the bag I'm going to take the three hundred grand you scammed from the airlines and the ten that's left over I'm going to borrow from you and pay back at another time

Leo: [Confused] Wait, your taking all my money but borrowing part of it?

Chili Palmer: At eighteen percent and don't ask another question I'm leaving now

Leo: What's this eighteen percent shit? You want to borrow ten the vig is three bills a week that's fifteen for the vig plus the ten that's twenty five big ones you go the whole year buddy, you hear me?

Chili Palmer: [Telling Karen his idea for a movie] It's about a dry cleaner who owes a shylock fifteen thousand dollars and his three weeks over on the vig, the dry cleaner, let's call him "Leo" his scared and doesn't know any better so he leaves town and gets on a plane but the plane sits there and doesn't move so they announce over the PA system that there's some kind of mechanical problem and be delayed for an hour but they tell all the passengers to remain in their seats in case they can get it fixed sooner so the guy's nervous and in no shape to sit there and sweat it out so he gets off the plane and goes into the cocktail lounge and starts drinking one drink after another and he's still in the lounge when the plane crashes during takeoff, he couldn't believe his luck because if he stayed on the plane he'd be dead , now that everyone thinks his dead he wouldn't have to pay back the fifteen thousand dollars or what he owes on the vig, since Leo's name was on the passenger's list they bring his wife out to the airport where they're going through personal effects whatever wasn't burned up they tell the wife to look for only things she would know about, she returns home and the people from the airline come out to see her and they tell her how sorry they are and how their plane exploded they offer a settlement: an amount he would've earned if he operated the dry cleaners for the rest of his life

Karen Flores: How much is the wife offered?

Harry Zimm: Three hundred thousand dollars, so she takes it "money in the hand" and he gets his wife to cash the check and he leaves for Las Vegas he was supposed to call her to come out but she never hears from him because his gambling so much and his hot, turning the three hundred grand up to half a million dollars but its driving the guy nuts because his winning and he can't tell anybody who he is

Martin: You know it might help you to take another look at "Cyclone", the way a visual fabric is maintained while the metaphor plays on different levels.

Chili Palmer: Ahhh...