Chico Quotes in The Magnificent Seven (1960)

[Britt has just shot a fleeing bandit off his horse]

Chico: Ah, that was the greatest shot I've ever seen.

Britt: The worst! I was aiming at the horse.

Chico: Villages like this they make up a song about every big thing that happens. Sing them for years.

Chris Adams: You think it's worth it?

Chico: Don't you?

Chris Adams: It's only a matter of knowing how to shoot a gun. Nothing big about that.

Chico: Hey. How can you talk like this? Your gun has got you everything you have. Isn't that true? Hmm? Well, isn't that true?

Vin: Yeah, sure. Everything. After awhile you can call bartenders and faro dealers by their first name - maybe two hundred of 'em! Rented rooms you live in - five hundred! Meals you eat in hash houses - a thousand! Home - none! Wife - none! Kids... none! Prospects - zero. Suppose I left anything out?

Chris Adams: Yeah. Places you're tied down to - none. People with a hold on you - none. Men you step aside for - none.

Lee: Insults swallowed - none. Enemies - none.

Chris Adams: No enemies?

Lee: Alive.

Chico: Well. This is the kind of arithmetic I like.

Chris Adams: Yeah. So did I at your age.

Chico: But who made us the way we are, huh? Men with guns. Men like Calvera, and men like you... and now me.

Chico: They're afraid. She's afraid of me, you, him. All of us. Farmers! Their families told them we would rape them.

Chris: Well we might. But in my opinion you might have given us the benefit of the doubt. But just as you please...

Chico: [berating the villagers] Thank you, thank you... you... chickens!

Chico: And who made us the way we are? Men with guns! Men like Calvera... and you... and now me.

Chris: Bring them in.

[refering to the women]

Chico: What for? Let Calvera find them, he'll take good care of them.

Chico: You like sushi, Chinese man?

[Johnny laughs]

Johnny Vang: That's Japanese, El Torito. Chinese don't eat that shit.

Chico: Have you thought about your career? About your future?

Rita: Future, what future? The future never gave me anything! All my hopes are set on the past.

Chico: You look like a Yankee!

Rita: But i still like kidney beans...

Chico: I've seen you in magazines. You're headed for Hollywood, right? Aren't you tired of playing Miss Charming?

Rita: Don't you like me sitting by your side, eating kidney beans?

Chico: I like it so much, it frightens me...

Rita: What are you frightened of?

Chico: Same thing as you...

Rita: Why should i be frightened?

Chico: Of listening to your heart for once. Of leaving your cage and not finding your way back.

Rita: You really believe that?

Chico: Uh-huh...

Rita: Come with me!

Ramon: So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?

Chico: Like what?

Ramon: Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.

Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.

Chico: Well, I can play the piano with my dick.

Tommy aka White Knife: Well, we're unstoppable then.

Tommy aka White Knife: Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?

Chico: I'm ready.

Ramon: I'm hungry.

Danny: I'm drunk.

Lil' Pete: And I'm Lil Pete.

Herm: [unintelligible]

Tommy aka White Knife: Let's get that nugget then...

Tommy aka White Knife: [Running between base plates] Where you going, nobody hit it.

Abner DoubleDay: I stole the base. You weren't looking so I stole it.

Chico: You said you could only advance after you hit the ball!

Abner DoubleDay: Not when you're stealing.

Short Stop: That's bullshit.

Abner DoubleDay: OK, Short Stop.

Abner DoubleDay: Let's play ball. Welcome, my friends, to the first ever playing of a new sport. A sport of my own devising. On this field, two ten-person teams will engage in a battle of... Yes, Qi?

Qi: Only 18 people here.

Abner DoubleDay: Two nine-person teams will engage in a battle of strength, speed, and strategy. One team will go out onto the field to play defense while the other team will take turns hitting this ball... with a stickie.

Chico: What are you gonna call this game?

Abner DoubleDay: What else? Stickie McSchnickens. Now your goal, ball thrower, is to get the ball past me two times without my hitting it. Fire when ready.

Frank Stockburn: Boy, you got your mom's muscles. You a prizefighter?

Chico: No, actually, I'm a... piano player.

Chico: Are you Ms. Grant?

Erin Grant: [sarcastically] No, I'm Barbara Bush.

Chico: [to Shad] And you are?

Shad: George Bush.

Johnny Doyle: Bet twenty thousand!

[the poolhall falls silent]

Johnny Doyle: Oh, did I stutter? Everybody gone all quiet and shit? About a minute ago it was like an evening at the Apollo up in this motherfucker, now all of a sudden it's quiet as a church. That's all right, Chico, I don't blame you. I've been beatin' this Jimmy Walker lookin' motherfucker all goddamn night, he can't win.

Chico: You'd better watch your mouth, Johnny!

Johnny Doyle: You watch my mouth, Chico. 'Cause you sure as hell don't wanna watch me play pool. Unless, of course, I'm blind folded and hand cuffed with a pool cue stickin' out of my ass. Or maybe you'd bet the twenty thousand then?

Waiter: Would you like to have anything before lunch?

Chico: Yes, breakfast.

Captain Corcoran: [describing the stowaways] One of them goes around with a black moustache.

Groucho: So do I; if I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde.

Captain Corcoran: I said, one goes around with a black moustache.

Groucho: Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?

Chico: Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather's beard gets here, I'd like it to meet your moustache.

Groucho: Well, I'll think it over; I'll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather's beard got any money?

Chico: Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.

Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?

Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.

Chico: What's the matter with me? I'm hungry. I didn't eat in three days.

Groucho: Three days? We've only been on the boat two days.

Chico: I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today, and I'm not gonna eat tomorrow. That makes a three days.

Groucho: ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

Chico: On his what?

Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?

Chico: Sure, I can vessel...

[starts whistling]

Chico: My father was-a partner's with Columbus.

Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?

Chico: You bet.

Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.

Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

Groucho: You call this a barn? This looks like a stable.

Chico: Well, if you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable.

Groucho: Well, let's just look at it.

Chico: Mustard's no good without roast beef.

Chico: We're great, huh?

Joe Helton: You're great.

Chico: My partner?

Joe Helton: He's great.

Chico: My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.

Woman Passenger: Where's the Doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!

Chico: Sit. Stay calm. We take care of you. Oh, she's got a chill. Cover her up.

[Harpo sits on her]

Chico: No, no, no, no. Get up. Get up. Take her pulse. Take her pulse.

[Harpo takes her purse]

Chico: No purse! Put it back. Pulse. I think you best take a temperature. That's good. Alright, we take care of you, lady. Alright. Alright. Alright.

Woman Passenger: Oh, you fools! I'm not the patient!

Chico: Well, we're not the doctor.

Groucho: [Ship stowaways in barrels] Ah, this is the only way to travel boys, the only way. I was going to bring a long the wife and kiddies, but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.

Chico: I was going to bring my grandfather, but there's no room for his beard.

Groucho: Why don't you send for the old swine and let his beard come later.

Chico: I sent for his beard.

Groucho: You did?

Chico: Yes, it's comin' by hair mail.

Groucho: Would you mind getting up off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?

Chico: Oh, you're crazy. Flies can't read papers.

Groucho: Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India, looking for a shortcut.

Chico: Oh, you mean strawberry shortcut.

Groucho: I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.

Chico: What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?

Groucho: You bet she could, but I found her out, too late. Well, enough of this. Let's get back to Columbus.

Chico: I'd rather get back to the nurse.

Groucho: So would I.

Groucho: Now one night, Columbus' sailors started a mutiny.

Chico: Nah, no mutiny's at night. They're in the afternoon. You know, Mutinies, Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Groucho: There's my argument: Restrict Immigration!

Groucho: Well, now we can eat in peace.

Chico: Alright, here's a piece for you.

Chico: Hey, you're a nice lookin' a gal, alright. You got "it".

Chico: Alright, alright. How much you pay?

Joe Helton: Well, just how tough are you?

Chico: Well, you pay a little bit, we're a little bit tough. You pay very much, very much tough. You pay a too much, we're too much a tough. How much you pay?

Joe Helton: I pay plenty.

Chico: Well, then we're plenty tough.

Boat Passenger: What's the idea of putting your hands in my pocket!

Chico: Just a little mistake. I had a suit once. Looked just like that and for a minute I thought those were my pants.

Boat Passenger: How could they be your pants when I I've got them on!

Chico: Well, this suit had two pair of pants.

Zeppo: Hey, do you know who's on this boat? Maurice Chevalier the movie actor. I just ran into him.

Groucho: Did you hurt him?

Chico: How do you know it was Chevalier?

Zeppo: I got his passport. Right there.

Groucho: Now, he can't get off the boat.

Chico: [Pointing to Harpo] Hey, he looks like Chevalier. I can look like Chevalier.

Groucho: I certainly look like Chevalier.

Zeppo: But, that's not enough. You gotta sing one of Chevalier's songs to get off this boat.

[singing]

Zeppo: "If a nightingale, could sing like you, they'd sing much better than you do..."

Groucho: Outstanding. You sing like that and they'll throw us all off the boat.

Gangster: Say, have you guys got an invitation?

Chico: We give the invitation of Chevalier: "When the nightingale, sing like you..."

Butch: Keep outta this loft!

Chico: Well, its better to have loft and lost, but never to have lofted at all.

Groucho: Nice work.

Chico: Right now I'd do anything for money. I'd kill somebody for money. I'd kill *you* for money.

[Harpo looks dejected]

Chico: Ha ha ha. Ah, no. You're my friend. I'd kill you for nothing.

[Harpo smiles]

Hammer: All along the river, those are all levees.

Chico: That's the Jewish neighborhood?

Hammer: Well, we'll pass over that.

Hammer: What would you like? Would you like a suite on the third floor?

Chico: No. I'll take a Pollack in the basement.

Hammer: What do you want? Do you want a single room?

Chico: We'd like to double up.

Hammer: Well, eat some green apples.

Hammer: Hey, hey! You know that suitcase is empty?

Chico: That's all right. We fill it up before we leave.

Hammer: Now here is a little peninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Why a duck?

Penelope: Where'd you get that coat?

Chico: That'sa my coat.

Penelope: That's your coat?

Chico: That'sa my coat.

Penelope: But it doesn't fit you.

Chico: I know. I had it made to order.

Chico: I no buy nothing. I gotta no money.

Hammer: You got no money?

Chico: I no gotta one cent.

Hammer: How're you going to pay for your room?

Chico: Thatsa your lookout.

Hammer: Oh, you're just an idle rumor?

Hammer: You know what an auction is, eh?

Chico: I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.

Hammer: I say, I'm holding an auction at Cocoanut Grove. And when the crowd gathers around, I want you to mingle with them. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle...

Chico: I'll find time for both.

Hammer: Well, maybe we can cut out the auction.

Hammer: Now then, if we're successful in disposing of these lots, I'll see that you get a nice commission.

Chico: And how about some money?

Hammer: Well, you can have your choice.

Hammer: Now, in arranging these lots, of course, we use blueprints. You know what a blueprint is, huh?

Chico: It's oysters.

Hammer: [looking slightly exasperated] How is it you never got double pneumonia?

Chico: I go around by myself.

Hammer: Do you know what a lot is?

Chico: Yeah, too much.

Hammer: I don't mean a whole lot. Just a little lot with nothing on it.

Chico: Any time you gotta too much, you gotta whole lot. Look, I'll explain it to you. Some time you no gotta much; sometimes you gotta whole lot. You know that it's a lot. Somebody else maybe thinka it's too much; it's a whole lot, too. Now, a whole lot is too much; too much is a whole lot; same thing.

Hammer: The next time I see you, remind not to talk to you, will you?

Hammer: Now, look, I'm gonna take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of 50 people at that cemetery just dying to get in. But I like you. You're my friend. I like you and I'm gonna shove you in ahead of all of them.

Chico: I know you like me.

Hammer: I'm gonna see that you get a steady position.

Chico: That's a good.

Hammer: And if I can arrange it, it will be horizontal.

Penelope: Tell me, what are you doing tonight?

Chico: Maybe you gotta good idea, huh?

Penelope: Well, don't you dare come to Room 320 at eleven o'clock.

Chico: Awright, I come half-past ten.

Hammer: Come over here, I want to see you. Now, listen to me. I'm not going to have that red-headed fellow running around the lobby. If you want to keep him up in the room, you'll have to keep him in a trap.

Chico: You can't catch him.

Hammer: Who is he?

Chico: He's my partner, but he no speak.

Hammer: Oh, that's your silent partner.

Hammer: Look, Einstein. Here's Cocoanut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Heights. That's a swamp - right over where the - where the road forks, that's Cocoanut Junction.

Chico: Where have you got Cocoanut Custard?

Hammer: Why, that's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you wouldn't have to worry about that.

Hammer: Look... Suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to the stream and wanted to ford over there, you couldn't make it. Too deep.

Chico: But what do you want with a Ford when you gotta horse?

Hammer: There it is. There it is, over there, right where that cocoanut tree is. Now what am I offered for lot #21?

Chico: Two hundred dollars

Hammer: Why, my friend, there's more than two hundred dollars worth of milk in those cocoanuts - and *what* milk, milk from contented cow-co-nuts. Who will say 300?

Chico: He say six, I say seven. He say seven, I say eight. He say eight, I say nine. I got plenty a numbers left. When I start, I no stoppa for no-tin'. I go higher, higher, higher, all the time I go higher.

Hammer: Eh, you'll go higher when I get ahold of ya. Sold to Hiawatha for eight hundred dollars.

Hammer: Now, the first musical number on the program will be a piccolo solo, which we will skip. And, eh, the second number will be Signore Pastrami, the Lithuanian pianist.

[Crowd claps]

Hammer: Signore, for his first selection, will play "A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich and You" from the opera Aida. Signore, allow me to escort you...

Mrs. Potter: Oh, Signore Pastrami, what is the first number?

Chico: Number one!

Chico: He's a big politician, ain't he?

Lily Powers: He's a big sumpthin'... and it ain't a politician!

Chico: Ha-ha-ha! Honey, you makes me tickle.

Chico: Ohhhhh! Is these the new furs, honey?

Lily Powers: Not so much honey.

Chico: Yes, ma'am.

Lily Powers: What's this?

Chico: Oh, that? It come while you was out. Its some books from old Mr. Cragg, back in Erie.

Lily Powers: You run along and have a good time.

Chico: I sliced some turkey for you. Its in the ice box.

Lily Powers: Bring me that pigskin case on the bed. You know what's in this bag?

Chico: No.

Lily Powers: Half a million dollars. Someday I'll have the other half that goes with it.

Chico: You sure will! You can get anything you put your mind on.

Chico: Don't you want to marry me?

Diane: But you never said... you love me. Couldn't you say it - just once?

Chico: I can't say it! It's too silly.

[walks around the room]

Chico: Well, this way then... Chico - Diane - Heaven!

Diane: Say it again! Say it again!

Chico: Not bad, eh? I work in the sewer - but I live near the stars!

Chico: You mustn't be afraid. I'm never afraid. Never look down - Always look up. I always look up. That's why I'm a very remarkable fellow!

Chico: Make a tour of the boulevards - then home. Tonight I am the Bank of France!

Chico: It's wonderful the things I feel... sometimes I could reach out and touch a star!

Chico: Our orders are to make sure he does not die... but also to make sure he regrets the day he was born.

[Modesto is attempting to stop Bob from double crossing Rio]

Bob: I'm real disappointed in you, Modesto; pullin' a gun on an old saddle pal like that.

Chico: One more word and I will kill you!

Bob: One more word, huh? Let me see if I can think of one. How about g-r-e-a-s-e-r? Greaser?

[Modesto pulls his trigger and realizes that Bob has unloaded his gun during the night]

Bob: Lookin' for these, Modesto? (throws cartridges at him)

Harvey: (laughing) Eat 'em, greaser.

Chico: (throws his gun at Bob)Banditos!

Bob: You had a good life, Modesto. (shoots him)