Chester Quotes in Free State of Jones (2016)

Colonel Robert Lowry: They pulled all of Jones, Jasper, Perry and half of Smith County.

Chester: How is that even possible?

Doc: [after listening to the telegraph office dog barking] It's terrible, my friends, just terrible. Steele and his team are lost.

Sled dog #1: When?

Sled dog #2: What happened?

Sled dog #3: What do you mean, lost?

Doc: They've missed their second checkpoint. They're off the trail.

[the other dogs lower their heads, saddened by the news]

Wild Joe: Can't they send another team?

Doc: It's too dangerous.

Chester: But... what about the little ones?

Doc: The medicine won't be here in time. We're going to lose them.

Balto: [silently; looking into the building] Rosy.

Chester: What do they call this place?

Johnny Baker: Probably one of the Virgin Islands

Chester: Heaven forbid.

Chester: Marriages are very healthy, sir. You see, married men live much longer than bachelors.

Tom Bowen: If that's true, they're only trying to outlive their wives so they can be bachelors again.

Chester: Have you ever considered getting married, sir?

Tom Bowen: I was engaged once.

Chester: What happened?

Tom Bowen: The girl changed her mind at the last minute.

Chester: Like my old grand daddy used to say, "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect."

[Leo is timing Chester for the 60 seconds he has to explain to Ted about the whole situation]

Leo: Begin.

Chester: Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which *could* be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way... or the other. Whether it's *you* who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street.

Norman: [about the money on the bar] You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile.

Chester: Shh! I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me - um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here?

Group: Six hundred.

Chester: Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600?

Ted the Bellhop: [Thinks for a bit]

Angela: It's a rhetorical question, Ted.

Ted the Bellhop: No, sir.

Chester: About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work?

Leo: Time!

Chester: So, Ted, what's it gonna be?

Ted the Bellhop: Okay.

[Leo is on the phone with his wife]

Leo: Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job, you know that. He wanted to stay out late. I can't fucking - I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? Don't yell at me - I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You're the one that's fucking yelling! Fuck! Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. Goddamn it, I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me, that fuckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a fuckin' divorce!

Norman: Yo, Leo?

Leo: [shouts] Fuck!

Chester: Another fucking "Honeymooners" going on in there.

[Leo tosses throws down his cellphone and begins throwing things around in a violent tantrum]

Leo: Fuckin' shit, man! Man, what the fuck is wrong with this fuckin' bitch, man? I'm gonna take the fuckin' car, I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland, I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw it down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!

Norman: You still married, man?

Leo: Yeah. I don't fuckin' know any more, I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God. What the fuck is wrong? I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen, you know that, man!

Chester: I know that.

Leo: So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink. It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry, I'm fuckin' sorry about that. What am I gonna do? Get in a fuckin' car and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? That'd be really fuckin' nice! Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? FUCK!

[Leo suddenly notices all of the items sitting at the bar]

Leo: What the fuck is all this?

Ted the Bellhop: Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir.

Leo: Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman?

Chester: We now return you to "The Man From Rio" already in progress.

Leo: Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit.

Norman: [laughs] I am gonna do it.

Leo: Oh, you are my fucking hero.

Chester: Let me explain what we're talking about here.

Ted the Bellhop: No, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned, well, that's your business.

Chester: Well, no, it's your business, too, Ted, because we want you to take part.

Ted the Bellhop: Take part in what, sir?

Leo: Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scaring the fuck outta him.

Chester: You think so?

Angela: Just spit it out.

Chester: Okay, you might be right. Okay, here we go, here we go, okay. Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!

[last lines]

Angela: I'm gonna go back to my room.

Chester: I'll see ya.

Chester: This is Cristal! Everything else is just piss!

Chester: Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?

Ted the Bellhop: It's quite good sir.

Chester: No, no, no! It's *Fucking* good. Now let's do that again. Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?

Ted the Bellhop: It's *Fucking* good sir!

Ted the Bellhop: A block of wood.

Chester: [raps it with his knuckles] Continue.

Ted the Bellhop: Three nails.

Norman: Why three nails?

Chester: That's how many Peter Lorre wanted. Continue, Ted.

Ted the Bellhop: A ball of twine.

Chester: Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue.

Ted the Bellhop: A bucket... of ice.

Chester: You into it?

Norman: I'm into it!

Chester: All right, go on!

Ted the Bellhop: A donut.

Chester: That's for me.

[eats it]

Chester: Continue.

Ted the Bellhop: A club sandwich.

Angela: That is mine.

Ted the Bellhop: And finally... a hatchet.

Chester: "A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for.

Ted the Bellhop: Well, sir, you be the judge.

Norman: No, no, I'll be the judge.

[tests it with his finger]

Ted the Bellhop: Careful, sir.

Chester: What do you think?

Norman: It's a sharp motherfucker. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bullshit over to the bar.

[Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]

Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!

Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" But what does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?

[later]

Chester: [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: [screaming] "Sweet!"

[repeated line]

Jesse: Dude, where's my car?

[repeated line]

Chester: Where's your car, dude?

Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?

Chester: Oh ,that's my alter ego.

Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.

Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.

Jesse: Oh yeah.

Chester: A barn?

Jesse: Is it red?

Chester: No.

Jesse: Then it's not a barn!

Mr. Pizzacoli: [knocks on the door] Open up, you 2 slackers!

Jesse and Chester: [quietly] Mr. Pizzacoli!

Mr. Pizzacoli: You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!

Jesse and Chester: [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house] Uh-oh.

Mr. Pizzacoli: OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!

Chester: It's open!

Jesse: OHHH!

[he hits Chester]

[Jesse & Chester's answering machine message]

Jesse: Jesse...

Chester: ...and Chester are shibby at the moment.

Jesse: Please your shibby at the beep.

Jesse & Chester: Shibby.

Jesse: You know what we should do?

Chester: Eat?

Jesse: No.

[thinks for a moment]

Jesse: Eat!

Chester: [to Jesse] It's Mrs. Crabbleman! Maybe she'll give us a ride. Mrs. Crabbleman! Mrs. Crabbleman!

[runs into the middle of the street]

Chester: Mrs. Crabblman!

Mrs. Crabbleman: [see's Chester]

Chester: Mrs. Crabbleman!

Mrs. Crabbleman: [purposefully swerves to hit Chester with her car] Fuckin' stoners.

Chester: Look, a unicorn!

[Mr. Pizzacoli looks]

Mr. Pizzacoli: A unicorn?

Chester: Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse.

[first lines]

Jesse: What's up?

Chester: Animal Planet!

Jesse: Man, I just had the craziest dream.

Chester: About what?

Jesse: I don't remember.

[chuckles]

Chester: The full grown male african ostrich or the latin "struthio camelus" can go to an average size of sixty six inches... and weight anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds that can get up to... well an average speed of... 27 miles per hour.

Chester: Morphing is cool!

Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.

Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!

Chester: Is that what that is?

Jesse: Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.

Chester: Yeah!

Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.

Chester: We can?

Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.

Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?

Jesse: Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...

Chester: ...which has the gifts in it...

Jesse: ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!

Chester: Yeah! Let's do it!

Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.

Chester: Told you.

Jesse: I know.

Chester: I know your body.

[Chester refuses to leave a strip club]

Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!

Chester: So is this, dude. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

Chester: [the two have just had trash cans put over their heads] Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.

Jesse: Shibby!

Chester: [Reaches out from under the trash can] Low five.

[about the hot chicks]

Chester: Those double-crossing, sexy-sexy sluts!

[starts crying]

Chester: How wasted were we last night?

Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

[Jesse attacked a speaker box]

Chester: Well, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box, dude.

Jesse: I'm not the one who called the Dalai Lama a fag!

Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!

Chester: Can he also bong a beer?

Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.

Jesse: [after being arrested] Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back!

Chester: [to a policeman] Can you turn on the siren?

[a plastic doll has just taken a lot of punishment]

Chester: Hang in there buddy!

Zoltan: You gotta activate the...

Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!

Jesse: What?

Mr. Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!

Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude!

[a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]

Chester: I think that's it, dude.

Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.

Jesse: That's us!

Chester: Right here!

Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

Chester: [opens cupboard] I'd say it's entirely possible.

[Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien]

Jesse: That is amazing!

Chester: Yeah! Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I've ever seen!

[At the police station]

Jesse, Officer Rick: [go to High Five]

Jesse: [Pulls back] Sucker!

Officer Rick: Oh, whose the goose? Me!

Chester: You're such a goose!

Chester: My name is Chester, I'm great, I'm wonderful! Everybody likes me!

Redneck: Hey, Chester. My name's Harland, and to me you look like a giant asshole.

Chester: Well, if I'm an asshole there's a reason for it. You're contagious!

Chester: I've never saw such beautiful landscaping. Looks like all the trees threw up.

Chester: I tell you, that Welfelt has power. You know, with the right training, she could be the best player we have!

Julie: The best player we have? Well, what about Larimer over there, the little black girl? She's the best player we have! You know that black people are the best at sports, c'mon! We're the best runners, the fastest runners, the best at track. We're the best at baseball, the best at boxing, the best at basketball, football. Hey, you name it!

Chester: Eeesh, black people are best at sports. Are you kidding? How about hockey? And waterpolo? Fencing! Best at sports... hey, badminton! Yachting! Best at sports... Oh, I forgot fox hunting! Best in sports...

Chester: You've got to change your behavior.

Matthew: Oh and what'd I do?

Chester: What'd you do? A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, "Up yours!" A girl doesn't refer to the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff!" And a girl doesn't say "I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!"

Chester: Women are a beautiful bed of flowers.

[punk girl walks by]

Chester: Of course there's a weed here and there.

Chester: I dressed her son up like a girl, and invited him to play with me.

Chester: Coach Bull huh? I know your full name!

Chester: I finally got some respect!

Chester: We have a chance. Like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Chester: Get in the car quick! These heels are killing me!

Chester: What is this? A drag race!

Chester: Well, you know how it is - boys want to be girls, girls want to be boys... Some of them are...

[opposing team scores first goal within 15 seconds of whistle]

Chester: Wow! The only thing quicker than that is when I'm having sex!

Chester: I read a book once, "100 Ways to Make Love." I ended up in traction, it was a misprint!

Chester: I'm off to a great stop.

[coaching the girls practicing]

Chester: Try and control the ball! Forget the ball, try and stay on your feet! Get out of the net, you're not a fish! Pester, you're in a different time zone! Oh beautiful, beautiful!

[looks up at the sky]

Chester: Why me? Why me?

[Chester is helping Matthew adjust his wig in a dressing room while a lady outside eavesdrops]

Chester: Just remember, we gotta be careful. I don't want your mother to find out, she'll kill me.

Matthew: God, I can't believe I'm doing this!

Chester: Don't worry, I'll be finished soon.

Matthew: Ow! Take it easy, that hurts!

Chester: Don't worry, if it's too tight you'll get used to it.

Chester: What a lady. When she walks in a room, mice jump on chairs. At Christmas they hang her and kiss the mistletoe. I tell ya if she went to a dog show, she'd win.

Chester: Two-story house. Yeah before you buy it they give you one story, after you move in you get another story.

Coach Bull: If you were in my army, I would have you on latrine duty!

Chester: Hoo! Smells like I'm there now.

Julie: You know anything about soccer?

Chester: Not much, all I know is I got a lotta balls!

Chester: Julie, look at what you're eating, I thought you were getting in shape. What happened to the weight lifting class?

Julie: Oh I'm doing good. I mean this is heavy.

Chester: He's playing like a psycho, he's nuts!

Julie: Looks like Norman Bates is playing soccer.

Chester: Hey, after the game no showers.

[Matthew walks in dressed as Martha]

Bess: Matthew?

Matthew: Mom!

Chester: Martha!

Bess: Chester?

Chester: Bess!

Chester: Idiot. Moron. Jerkoff.

Bartender: Hey buddy, what's your problem? I don't have to take your bullshit.

Chester: Oh, I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to myself.

Coach Annie: Well, I know what my girls can do. And I just want to tell you that your team is going to get crushed!

Chester: I guess you're going to play, too, huh?

Chester: [Addressing the girls at the final game after they found out the truth about Martha/Matthew] You don't need a boy to help you win! You're women! You don't need anyone! You're liberated! You got the vote! You can burn your bras! When you get them!

[Girls giggle]

Chester: [to the people that saw Matthew dressed like a girl punching a speed bag] She's in training. Friday night, she's an underdog.

Chester: [to Matthew] You gotta work on your jab, your hook, and your slip is showing. Come on, will ya? You keep this up, your next fight will be with me.

Chester: Positively perfect pass play, Penny Pester.

Julie: Chu! Chu! Chu! Chu! Chu!

Chester: What are you celebrating or sneezing?

Bartender: Look, buddy. You ought to get out there and start dating again.

Chester: You go out there, what do you meet? You meet girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls.

Bartender: Well, you know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea if you got the right bait.

Chester: Yeah. The trouble is, my hook ain't what it used to be.

Chester: [after getting thrown out of a bar] Boy! What a happy hour. Well, at least I beat the check.

Dave Mullen: You have five seconds to get Kimberly out of there.

[Chester hesitates]

Dave Mullen: There's nothing to think about. Get her out of there.

Chester: Look, we're not in your office now. Out here, I call the shots.

Dave Mullen: Looks like I misjudged you, Chester. I guess you don't care about your future with this company.

Chester: Right now, all I care about is this team.

Dave Mullen: Chester, you've forgotten what's important to you.

Chester: I didn't forget. You forgot. What's more important? That strangers look up to you or your own kid? Kimberly's playing today! And if it means my job, too bad.

Dave Mullen: Look, Chester, I just want to win today. I only want the best out there.

Chester: The best, the best. That's all I keep hearing. You want to be the best. Let me ask you this, what good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

Bess: [answers the car phone] Hello. Yeah, yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Chester, it's Martha.

Chester: [drives off the road]

Bess: Chester!

Chester: I'm sorry. I thought I saw a raccoon.

[takes the phone]

Chester: Martha, why are you calling me?

Matthew: Would you rather I call my mother, Chester?

Chester: [laughingly] No, no, no, no, no, no.

Matthew: Listen, Chester, I'm in big trouble. I'm at the Mullen's house. Mrs. Mullen took all the girls to her house after practice. She insisted that I go with them.

Chester: Well, just have your ice cream and cake and go home.

[laughs nervously]

Matthew: Oh, listen, genius, if it was that simple, I wouldn't have called you.

[whispers]

Matthew: Now all the girls are going skinny-dipping.

Chester: [drives off the road again] I tell you, Bess, those raccoons are all over the place.

Julie: [to the goalie] Good hands!

Matthew: Good save!

Julie: Good girl!

Chester: Goody, goody!

Julie: Let me at him, Chester!

Chester: [holding her back] Take it easy, take it easy.

Julie: No, I can take him, Chester! I can take him!

Coach Bull: I'm warning you! I never hit a lady!

Chester: And I'm warning *you*. She's no lady.

Dave Mullen: I understand your boy Matthew's been seeing a lot of my daughter Kimberly.

Chester: Oh, yes, Dave. More than you know.

Chester: Hey, Annie! I wanna take you to the zoo! Yeah, they'll thank me for returnin' you!

Coach Cannoli: Say, are you Coach Chester Lee?

Chester: That's right.

Coach Cannoli: I'm Coach Cannoli. There's a rumor that you, on your soccer team, dressed a boy as a girl.

Dave Mullen: Cannoli, that is patently ridiculous.

[turns to Chester]

Dave Mullen: I'm sorry, Chester.

Chester: [to Cannoli] I'm insulted. How can you stoop so low as to repeat a ridiculous rumor like that? How dare you.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: Chester. You just went through a stop sign.

Chester: I can't help it. I don't like to read when I drive.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: If you're innocent, they'll never send you to jail.

Nick Gardenia: Is that how it works, Chester?

Chester: Not in my neighborhood.

Chester: How'd we do boss?

Glenda Gardenia Parks: We won in overtime. And don't call me boss, didn't you see Roots? Chester, where'd you get that hat?

Chester: From a chauffeur.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: You stole it.

Chester: No, I found it.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: Where?

Chester: On a chauffeur.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: Chester, the only reason I made you a chauffeur is to keep you from stealing. Why are you doing this to me?

Chester: Because I want to be as good a chauffeur as I am a stealer.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: Well, there's a certain sincere logic in that I suppose.

Chester: Hot Damn! I finally get a chance to chase the po-lice!

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Is that the good Waterford crystal?

Chester: Yes, it was.

Chester: We're not even going to touch asphalt!

Adam Dynes: Okay, look, I don't care if you do like her. You just went out with her last night. You do not call her for four days.

Chester: Come on...

Adam Dynes: Not-not-not four days, all right? After four days you don't call her, she'll be excited.

Dudley: Ever take a dump naked?

Chester: I sleep naked.

Dudley: It's liberating.

Adam Dynes: Ah, good to hear the usual intellectual banter.

Darcy: Why don't you love me?

Chester: Shh. I love everybody.

Darcy: Why don't you love me differently? Is it because I like to look in your window and watch you sleep? Because I thought we had moved past that.

Chester: I get so nervous around that girl. Why is that?

Adam Dynes: Hm. Grow a pair, will you?

Chester: Good luck, Mr. Churchill. Win the war for us, won't you sir?

Winston Churchill: You bet. God bless America.

[leaves the train]

Chester: I wish I was American.

Winston Churchill: Here we go, Chester. Blood, sweat, 'n toil.

Chester: Good luck, Mr Churchill. Win the war for us, won't you, Sir?

Winston Churchill: You bet. God bless America.

Chester: I wish I was American.

Wally 'The Fox' Benton: [referring to suitcase] Put that bag in the car.

Chester: You can't talk to Miss Pringle like that.

Chester: [referring to elevator brake] Hey, Boss, this thing is loose!

Wally 'The Fox' Benton: Well, don't take it off! The elevator'll fall!

Chester: Ah, I did the same thing in jail one time, and the elevator didn't fall.

Wally 'The Fox' Benton: It didn't huh? That's against the law of gravity!

Chester: That was before the law was passed.

Chester: [upside down] Help! Help! hey, all the blood pressure's to my head!

Wally 'The Fox' Benton: Well, there's plenty of room for it!

Chester: [seeing Wally and carol in a romantic kiss] The last time I kissed a girl like that she passed out.

Jean Pringle: In your arms?

Chester: No, in my dreams.

Chester: Don't get cute. I'm just itchin' to work you over.

Chester: That's the way I wanna see you go, Bigelow... nice and slow.

Chester: Beautiful day, isn't it!

[mumbling]

Chester: If the bomb doesn't fall.

Chester: [breaking away from kissing] Hey, hey. How old are you?

Mackenzie Castle: Nineteen.

Chester: No - Really?

Mackenzie Castle: Chicken.