Cheech Quotes in Bullets Over Broadway (1994)

Cheech: Olive, I think you should know this: you're a horrible actress.

[Cheech shoots Olive dead]

[Cheech is helping Olive rehearse a scene]

Olive: Can't you see? You're living out the exact same pattern your mother lived out with your father.

Cheech: I am? Pray tell.

Olive: In some way you're trying to relive it and in the process of reliving it, correct it. As if that were possible. HA.

Cheech: It don't say "ha."

Olive: I know it don't say "ha," I added that.

Cheech: Are you allowed to do that? I don't think you're allowed to do that.

Olive: We're allowed to add things. It's called ad-libbing.

Cheech: Well, I think the whole thing stinks.

Olive: Well, I think you're a degenerate zombie so shut up and read.

Cheech: You shut up.

Olive: You shut up and read.

Cheech: You're lucky you're Nick's girl.

Olive: You're lucky you're an idiot.

David Shayne: I studied playwrighting with every teacher, I read every book...

Cheech: Let me tell you somethin' about teachers. I hate teachers. Those blue-haired bitches used to whack us with rulers. Forget teachers.

Cheech: It stinks on fucking hot ice.

Cheech: She can't act. Are you listening to me? She makes stuff not work - stuff she ain't even in - it comes out all twisted!

Cheech: [at the end, dying] No. Don't speak.

Cheech: Sylvia Pincus. Big fat Jewish broad, had a little tiny husband. She chopped him up with an ax and mailed his pieces all over the country. I don't know what she was tryin' to prove.

David Shayne: You're gonna write it?

Cheech: What am I? A fuckin' idiot? They taught me how to read and write in school before I burned it down.

David Shayne: You burned down your school?

Cheech: Yeah, it was Lincoln's birthday. There was nobody there.

Cheech: You're lucky you're Nick's girl!

Olive: You're lucky you're an idiot!

Cheech: Where I come from, nobody squeals!

Cheech: Responsibility is a heavy responsibility!

Cheech: [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside] Hey, it's about time man. Hey, what do you got man? Give me some.

Chong: What?

Cheech: Give me a drink, man. C'mon man, give me a drink!

Chong: [Points to jar] Of this?

Cheech: Yeah!

Chong: Go ahead man, help yourself!

Cheech: Wait a minute

[Sniffs the Jar]

Cheech: Hey man, that's pee!

Chong: No kidding.

Cheech: What are you doing with pee?

Chong: It's for my probation officer.

Cheech: Why, does he drink pee?

Chong: No man, last week I was supposed to bring some in, you know? and I forgot the wash the jar out first. so they see all that mayonnaise floating around in there, and they think I'm on some kind of weird drug again!

Cheech: [laughing] Alright!

Chong: And I'm really going to fuck with his mind this time.

Cheech: Why, what'd you do?

Chong: I had my sister pee in it.

Cheech: Yeah?

Chong: Yeah, and she's pregnant man!

Cheech: Shit, man, I'm gonna be late for work again. That's the fifth time this week, and it's only Tuesday, man.

Guard at the Studio Entrance.: [to Cheech] Hey, Fella, you need a pass.

Cheech: [Cheech is covered in ashes after the car explosion] Oh, uh... I'm with the Towering Inferno, man.

[after shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint]

Chong: You got a light, man?

Chong: Huh, oh yeah, here

[hands him a lighter]

Chong: Hey I don't think you better light it in here, man.

Chong: Why?

Cheech: Ah, these gas fumes, man.

Chong: Oh man.

[flicks the lighter]

Cheech: I don't know.

[the inside of the car explodes]

Cheech: Man, if you had a second brain, it would die of loneliness, man.

Chong: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.

Cheech: Oh, yeah?

Chong: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.

[to a girl on the phone]

Cheech: You wanna come over to my place? Okay. I'll be here with balls on.

Cheech: Somebody ripped off the thing I ripped off!

Gloria's Mom: [while driving] Watch the road.

Cheech: OK, where's it gonna go.

Guard at the Studio Entrance.: [to Cheech after leaving in a van] Hey, Fella, your pass?

Cheech: Pass, oh thanks a lot man.

Cheech: Holy sheep shit! It's guitar heaven!

Cheech: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?

Chong: Okay.

Cheech: When you see a friend, you say, hey, how's it going, pendejo?

Chong: Hey, how's it going, pendecko?

Cheech: ...yeah, that's close enough.

Chong: What does that mean, man?

Cheech: Oh, it means my really good friend.

Chong: How's it going, pend... Pen... how was that, again?

Cheech: Pendejo.

Chong: Pendecko.

Cheech: [waiting on date to arrive] Man, hurry up, bitch. I got lots of shit to do. Shit. If that bitch doesn't hurry up and get here, I'll have to wait some more.

Chong: You're driving like an idiot, man.

Cheech: I just can't get used to these automatics, man.

Chong: Yeah, they are real complicated, aren't they?

Cheech: Hey, that's a pretty nice car, man. Better get it back to the circus before they find out it's gone.

Cheech: I hope Donna comes pretty soon. And I hope she hasn't eaten yet because I got something for her: tubesteak smothered in underwear.

Chong: Hey, how much money do we have now?

Cheech: All together?

Chong: Yeah, all together?

Cheech: Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have 17 million dollars!

Chong: Really?

Cheech: Oh wait, well um, 17, something. Who cares, were rich, man.

Cheech: [talking to his plants] Oh, good morning, my darling. Oh, your buds are getting so big. Soon you'll need a training bra.

Cheech: Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke this shit happens.

Chong: Hey, wait a minute man, how come every time I do coke you say that 'every time you do coke' thing?

Chong: You know what we should in vest in? An old age home for hippies. Cause, think about it, hippies have been around since the 60's man, and now there isn't really a hip place for them to go anymore. So, you know, it would be a home where they could smoke all the dope they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know.

Cheech: Oh yeah, we could call it Vatoland.

Cheech: Yeah real funny man... so funny I forgot to laugh...

Cheech: Hey scratch my balls man... anybody scratch my balls!

Chong: You know I could be your daddy

Cheech: you could be my daddy, man?

Chong: yeah, I used to fuck buffalo.

[as a Jamaican dope dealer in TV movie]

Cheech: [singing] Dope! Do-o-o-o-pe! How come nobody don't want to buy no dope? Dope, I say dope I say do-o-o-o-o-pe. Who wants to buy dope?

Cheech: We should have a dope-a-thon. You know try to raise money for like all the people that lost there crops.

Cheech: Now you know what I want you to do, don't you? And it ain't prayin', cop.