Chazz Quotes in Airheads (1994)

[Chazz and Rex are testing Chris]

Chazz: Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?

Chris Moore: Lemmy.

[Rex imitates a game show buzzer]

Chris Moore: ... God?

Rex: Wrong, dickhead, trick question. Lemmy *IS* God.

Chazz: Okay, lemme ask you a question: who's side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?

Chris Moore: What?

Marcus: What kind of question is that?

Chazz: Who's side did you take: Halen or Roth?

Chris Moore: ...Van Halen

Ian: HE'S A COP!

Chazz: We got to send one person out.

Pip: I'll go.

Rex: One of the hostages, doof.

Rex: We're gonna take the cops up on those demands they wanted.

Pip: We got a killer list goin'.

Rex: Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later.

Chazz: Where'd this come from?

Rex: Pip's idea.

Chazz: Way to go, Pip.

[their first attempt at opening the back door fails]

Pip: Oh, man! We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's get goin'.

Rex: Hey, Pip, you backstabber, what, are you quittin' out on us?

Pip: What? The door's locked!

Rex: Aw, man, you're such a flake. You don't even care about this band, do you? You run around in your apartment all day in your fudgies.

Pip: That's not true.

Rex: It is, too. I always got to tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.

Pip: [yelling] He's making this up.

Chazz: [yelling] Will you both shut up? Please, OK? You're brothers, all right. C'mon, man, we ain't locked out yet. Stay here, Pip.

[Rex slaps Pip]

Pip: [loudly] Ahh, you got a big mouth, man.

Rex: Hey, Pip...

[gives Pip the finger]

Chazz: For all you care, our record could be Pip farting on a snare drum.

Pip: I ain't fartin' on no snare drum.

Chazz: Do you know what it's like to be on the bill and to play for 15 minutes and the only people there to see you are the other bands and their girlfriends? Don't talk to me about Rock 'n' Roll! I'm out there in the clubs and on the streets and I'm living it!

[shouts]

Chazz: I am Rock 'n' Roll!

Chazz: [yelling at Kayla] You are acting like a fucking Spazz!

Ian: You're on the air!

Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?

Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.

Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?

Chazz: So, what do you guys want?

Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?

Chazz: Yes.

Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!

Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!

Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.

Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!

Pip: This is never gonna work.

Chazz: Pip, damn it, what is your problem?

Pip: You remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man? He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.

Rex: So what? Will you shut up?

Chazz: Just get to the point? What?

Pip: Well, he won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. It was, like, this total security building. They slid his tickets through this litle slot with, like, salad tong things.

Chazz: Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in, does that mean that we can't?

Rex: Anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.

Pip: [Rex holds up his plastic gun and fires it at Pip and Chazz, laughing] Ahhh.

Pip: Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.

Rex: And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.

Pip: Still got no hair on his balls, man.

Chazz: Yvonne, get your shit and go. You'll be home in time for The Simpsons.

[Chazz's tape, which Kayla had dropped in the middle of the road earlier, is now in bad shape]

Chazz: Oh, whoa. What happened to this?

Kayla: It fell off the nightstand.

Chazz: [as he grabs the tape and looks at it] What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?

Rex: I don't know, maybe if I clean it up and re-spool it. Christ!

Kayla: I came all the way down here just to bring that stupid tape.

Rex: Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?

[the demo is briefly played on the air, but it's not played properly]

Chazz: Hey, what the did you do with it?

Ian: What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.

Pip: Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.

[suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]

Chazz: [Carl has grabbed Kayla and is trying to humiliate Chazz in front of the entire Audience by calling him "Chester"] Hey, you stay out of this and get your hands off her!

Kayla: Why did he call you that?

Carl Mace: There's a lot that Chester didn't tell you about, right, Chester?

Rex: What's he talking about Chazz?

Chazz: Um... Kayla, I...

Chazz: It's... uh, he's... awww shit. Kayla, there's something I gotta tell ya. Um... I was a geek in high school. I had really short hair, I played "Dungeons and Dragons", I had a bug collection, I ate my Boogers. My name's not Chazz... it's Chester, and I understand if You don't love me, anymore.

D & D Rocker: I played D & D, too!

School Newspaper Rocker: I was editor of the school magazine!

Corduroy Rocker: I used to wear corduroy pants!

Masturbating Rocker: I used to masturbate... constantly!

[His two friends start hitting him]

Chazz: I'm average and screwed up enough that I might just write a song that will live forever. And then it's all going to be worth it.

Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

Coach: Oh, really?

Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."

Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross...

Chazz: ...It gets the people going!

Jimmy: I see you got FAT!

Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!

Jimmy: I don't share rooms!

Chazz: I don't share SHIT!

[pause]

Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me...

Jimmy: [to Chazz] It's dark for everyone, moron!

Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!

Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

Chazz: [to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...

Jimmy: Get out of my face.

Chazz: I'll get inside your face.

Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]

Chazz: Let's capture the dream.

Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?

Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that.

Jimmy: Cool.

Chazz: Let's kick some ice.

Chazz: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!

Chazz: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!

Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?

Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.

Chazz: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

Chazz: So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your weiner?

Chazz: I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it?

Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling?

Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

Chazz: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.

Chazz: [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That's retarded

Bryce: Are you drunk?

Chazz: No, but this oughta do it

[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]

Bryce: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.

[pause]

Bryce: You smell like urine.

Chazz: A lot?

Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary!

Jimmy: No, that's not her.

Chazz: Don't make me kill her!

Chazz: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?

Jimmy: I don't know

Chazz: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.

Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!

Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.

Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!

Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!

Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!

Chazz: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.

Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

Jimmy: I could hold it all day long, try me!

Chazz: Maybe I will.

Jimmy: Maybe you should.

Chazz: You challenging me, princess?

Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.

Chazz: Then bring it on!

Jimmy: It is on!

Coach: You're the girl.

Jimmy: What?

Chazz: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

Jimmy: Wait, why?

Coach: Because you whine like one!

[turns to Chazz]

Coach: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

Chazz: I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.

Chazz: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here

[pointing to heart]

Chazz: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother

[grabs Jimmy]

Chazz: , this is my brother

[grabs Katie]

Chazz: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.

Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.

Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

Chazz: Ahh, my nutsack!

Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]

Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary?

Chazz: Ask THEM.

Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.

Jimmy: That was disgusting.

Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

Chazz: I permanently call shotgun.

Jimmy: You do not get shotgun every time!

[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]

Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.

Chazz: Are you nuts?

Jimmy: Wha...? We can't do that!

Coach: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

Chazz: I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.

Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.

Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.

Chazz: [referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy.

Jimmy: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied!

Chazz: You're high!

Chazz: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.

Chazz: You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.

Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!

Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!

[begins throwing up again]

Chazz: Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...

Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me.

Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron!

Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

Jimmy: I call top.

Chazz: Sorry, I already called it in my head...

Jimmy: No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.

Chazz: Yes it does.

Chazz: Throw me some chicken.

Chazz: [while performing in Grublets on Ice] Hey, everyone! This is Gary the squirrel! Now, listen up, Gary's been a long time friend. We've been skating for... two and a half years. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"

[Chazz pukes in his wizard mask]

Chazz: I just threw up in here people!

Chazz: Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.

Chazz: Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.

Chazz: Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.

Coach: I don't see what's so funny.

Chazz: If you were as drunk as me, you would.

Chazz: What're you, the rug doctor?

Jimmy: Maybe I am.

Chazz: Well, I'm the rug MASTER.

Jimmy: What does that even mean?

Jimmy: [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!

Chazz: This isn't what it looks like.

[Grabs Katie's breast]

Jimmy: Impure! Impure!

[Runs out of the room]

Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait!

Chazz: Brother man!

Chazz: [a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!

Chazz: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.

Jimmy: No way, the girl's goes on top.

Chazz: Yeah, ergo, chick.

Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger!

Chazz: No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.

Chazz: [while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

Coach: What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?

Chazz: Twin dongs?

Chazz: It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.

Chazz: Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating.

[shouts and raises left arm]

Chazz: Boom!

Chazz: I am never satisfied! It's a curse...

Chazz: But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.

Chazz: Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.

Jimmy: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?

Coach: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

Chazz: Nice choice, Coach.

Coach: Turned out well.

[last lines]

Chazz: Let's get outta here.

Jimmy: Now?

Chazz: Yeah.

Chazz: We're going to Montreal bitch!

Chazz: You're welcome Stockholm!

Jimmy: Who's that?

Chazz: You mean Katie van Waldenberg?

Jimmy: She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?

Chazz: Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.

Chazz: You know this is how I rolled when you met me.

Sam: No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.

Chazz: SNOWBALL!

Chazz: [Leaving a voice mail message] Hey, Jimmy. Hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there - so not a big deal. Just think of it as, like a, boob handshake - between me and your lady's boob. Look, that's not coming out right, I'll explain it. Call me back! Please, it's me, Chazz.

Female Sex Addict/Rinkside Nurse: [Chazz, injured, hobbles off the rink] Are you okay? I'm gonna have to cut your pants off

Chazz: Start up near the crotch. Its a better access point.

Jimmy: Watch my icy hot super slide.

Chazz: Do it.

Chazz: [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!

Jimmy: They're laughing at us.

Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.