Charlotte Quotes in The Patriot (2000)

Charlotte: You have done nothing for which you should be ashamed.

Benjamin Martin: I have done nothing. And for that I am ashamed.

Benjamin Martin: May I sit with you?

Charlotte: It's a free country. Or at least it will be.

Elizabeth Bennet: I shall never relinquish my sword for a ring.

Charlotte: For the right man, you would.

Elizabeth Bennet: The right man wouldn't ask me to.

Ewan: I love my country. I'd kill for it and I'd die for it.

Charlotte: Good for you.

Charlotte: You're out of your mind.

Ewan: It's in my nature.

[last lines]

Ewan: The press have been sent copies of these files. I'm sure you were responsible.

Charlotte: These files are nonsense you made up, no one will believe it.

Ewan: They might - if you buckle under the pressure of the story.

Charlotte: You're out of your mind.

Ewan: It's in my nature.

Charlotte: We're bound by procedure. In this situation, we cannot afford those constraints.

Griffith: Why do men like to shed blood, you asked. You are right in saying that it is one of the facets we, men, possess. However, it is but a tool to obtain what our heart desires and keep it from harm's way. I believe it to be a double-edged blade.

Charlotte: What your heart desires... a lover? A knight's honor?

Griffith: Both are important, aren't they? Fighting and dying for love and honor is what a knight desires above all else. But for men there exists something even more important than that. You know of it, I believe.

Charlotte: More important?

Griffith: It is a dream formulated and fostered for your own sake. Men are entranced by their dreams regardless of birth, rank or social standing. The dream supports them. It makes them suffer and it breathes new life into them. And it kills them. Even after they've given up on it, it continues to smolder in their hearts. All men have a dream at least once in their lives. They imagine themselves being martyrs to the God their dream has become. Others live on powerlessly, birthed into the world. I could not endure such a life.

Meier Link: You look so beautiful.

[kisses her, then as his bloodlust rises he draws back]

Charlotte: Why stop? I want you, Meier, I want ALL of you... Why not?

Meier Link: You don't know what it's like, Charlotte, to live forever in darkness eternal, forever thirsting for blood despite your best intention. I can't imagine that life for you. Not for you, Charlotte.

Charlotte: You're so selfish, Meier. I carry a heavy weight on my conscience. Those villagers and the bounty hunter and my family - they still mourn my loss, Meier.

Meier Link: It wasn't your doing, Charlotte. It was my fault entirely.

Charlotte: Well, then, we're both to blame. Because we can't know happiness, not anymore. I wanted you to be happy, Meier, and so I abandoned my father and my brother for you. But their pain set the wheels in motion for our pain, and so on and on it goes... All we have is each other now, and I want to be close to you. Without that we have nothing. All the pain I've caused and all the agony I feel is nothing, now! And you are everything to me, my love!

[pause]

Meier Link: We'll talk more on our trip to the stars, if that's all right with you.

Cop #1: You were infected?

Charlotte: Yeah. Didn't take. Too much "better living through chemistry" screws them up real good. The only problem is you gotta keep using to keep them from taking over.

Cop #1: That's the best druggie excuse I've heard.

Mark Taffin: What goes on in this town is none of your business.

Charlotte: As long as I'm living here it is.

Mark Taffin: Then maybe you SHOULDN'T BE LIVING HERE!

Mark Taffin: You're doing it again! Someone like me!

Charlotte: I overheard you and O'Rourke the other night. He was right. I was right. You should be out there, in the world, doing something!

Charlotte: Goodness gracious! This is so much to absorb. Let me see if I got this right. If I kiss you before midnight, you and Tiana will turn human again, and then we gonna get ourselves married and live happily ever after! The end!

Prince Naveen: Yeah, more or less. But remember, you must give Tiana all the money she requires for her restaurant. Because Tiana...

[glances at Evangeline, the star]

Prince Naveen: She is my Evangeline.

Charlotte: Anything you want, sugar.

[applies lipstick]

Charlotte: Pucker up, buttercup!

Tiana: [Naveen half-heartedly puckers his lips] Wait!

Charlotte: Tiana?

Charlotte: Tiana?

Tiana: Don't do this.

Prince Naveen: I have to do this and we are running out of time!

Prince Naveen: I won't let you!

Prince Naveen: It's the only way to get you your dream!

Tiana: My dream? My dream wouldn't be complete... without you in it.

[shrugs with a smile]

Tiana: I love you, Naveen.

Prince Naveen: Warts and all?

Tiana: Warts and all.

Charlotte: [sniffs] All my life, I read about true love and fairytales, and... Tia, you found it! I'll kiss him! For you, honey! No marriage required.

[is about to kiss Naveen when the clock strikes midnight]

Charlotte: Oh my word! M-maybe that ol' clock's a little fast!

[kisses Naveen]

Charlotte: Oh!

[kisses him a few more times in panic and Naveen shrugs]

Charlotte: Oh, I'm so sorry!

Charlotte: Oh, Tia, honey, did you see the way he danced with me? A marriage proposal can't be far behind. Thank you, Evening Star! You Know, I was starting to think wishing on stars was for babies and...

[adjusting mascara]

Charlotte: crazy people.

[Sees Tiana in a pretty blue dress, gasps]

Charlotte: Why look at you! Aren't you just as pretty as a magnolia in May?

[picks up tiara and places it on a sad Tiana's head]

Charlotte: Seems like only yesterday we were both little girls wishing our fairy tale dreams. And tonight they're finally coming true! Well,

[nudges Tiana then adjusts bra]

Charlotte: back into the fray! Wish me luck! Oh, Naveen!

Travis: But, Miss Charlotte, you said later two hours ago.

Charlotte: Travis, when a woman says later, she really means not ever. Now run along, there are plenty of fillies dying for you to waltz them into a stupor. Gimme those napkins, quick.

Tiana: What for?

Charlotte: I swear I'm sweating like a sinner in church.

[last lines]

Charlotte: Who would've thought the prince had a younger brother. How old did you say you were?

Prince Ralphie: I'm six-and-a-half.

Charlotte: Well, I waited this long.

Charlotte: [after the Mardi Gras parade fiasco] Cheese and crackers!

Charlotte: Oh, Tia, Tia, Tia, Tia, mmm, did you hear the news? Tell her, oh, tell her, Big Daddy!

'Big Daddy' La Bouff: Oh, uh, Prince Naveen...

Charlotte: Prince Naveen of Maldonia is coming to New Orleans!

[screams]

Charlotte: Oh, isn't he the bees' knees? Ooh, tell her what you did, Big Daddy!

[shakes him vigorously]

Charlotte: TELL HER!

'Big Daddy' La Bouff: Well, I invited...

Charlotte: Big Daddy invited the prince to our masquerade ball tonight! Oh! Ooh, tell her what else you did, Big Daddy!

[pause]

Charlotte: Go on.

'Big Daddy' La Bouff: And he's staying...

Charlotte: And he's staying...

'Big Daddy' La Bouff: [stuffs beignet in Charlotte's mouth] And he's staying at our house as my personal guest.

Charlotte: [nods, with beignet in mouth] Mm hmm!

Templeton: [reading the clipping] It says "Crunchy."

Charlotte: No, that's wrong. It could start Zuckerman thinking about crunchy bacon.

Wilbur: Ohhh!

Charlotte: [sternly] Wilbur, I forbid you to faint!

Charlotte: Salutations.

Wilbur: Salu-what?

Charlotte: Salutations.

Wilbur: What are they? And where are you?

Charlotte: Salutations are greetings; it's my fancy way of saying hello.

Charlotte: The autumn days grow short and cold; / It's Christmas time again. / Then snows of winter slowly melt. / The days grow short, / And then... / He turns the seasons around, / And so she changes... her gown: / Mother Earth... and Father Time.

[words are slowly being reduced to a whisper]

Charlotte: How very special are we... / For just a moment... to be... / Part of life's... eternal... rhyme.

[passes away]

[at the meeting, Charlotte is looking for a new message to write in her web]

Lamb: How about "Pig Supreme"?

Charlotte: Mmmm... no good. It sounds like a rich dessert.

[Templeton walks past with an apple core towards the trough, and Charlotte glares at Templeton]

Goose: How about terrific, terrific, terrific?

Charlotte: Cut that down to *one* terrific, and it will do nicely. I think "terrific" will impress Zuckerman.

Wilbur: But Charlotte, I'm not terrific.

Charlotte: You're terrific, as far as I am concerned.

[Templeton, while holding an orange peel in his mouth, smacks Wilbur's face with his tail and walks off to the trough]

Charlotte: [after glaring at Templeton] And does anybody know how to spell it?

Goose: I think it's T, double-E, double-R, double-R, double-I, double-F, double-I, double-C, C, C!

Charlotte: [Charlotte's remark, from shock back to the goose] What kind of acrobat do you think I am? It would take me all night to write that.

Wilbur: I didn't know you could lay eggs.

Charlotte: Oh yes. I'm versatile.

Wilbur: Does versatile mean "full of eggs"?

Charlotte: [chuckling] Certainly not. Versatile means I can turn with ease from one thing to another.

Charlotte: Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.

[Templeton returns from a night of overeating]

Templeton: [hiccups] I'm back.

[Charlotte and Wilbur glare at him]

Templeton: What a night! Never have I seen such leavings! Everything well ripened, seasoned with the passage of time and the heat of the day... Oh, it was rich, my friends, riiiiiich!

[hiccups]

Charlotte: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. It would serve you right if you had an acute attack of indigestion.

[Templeton hiccups agains and pats his stomach]

Templeton: My stomach can handle anything.

Wilbur: Templeton, if you weren't so dopey, you would have noticed that Charlotte's made an egg sac.

[Templeton gazes toward the ceiling and sees Charlotte's egg sac]

Templeton: [hiccups] Hooray for Charlotte.

Wilbur: She's going to become a mother. For *your* information, there are 514 eggs in that peachy, little sac.

Templeton: [sarcastically] This *has* been a night.

[Templeton crawls over to Wilbur's pen and hiccups again]

[a fly lands in Charlotte's web]

Charlotte: Just a minute, Wilbur.

[she climbs up and wraps the fly]

Charlotte: He'll make a perfect breakfast for me.

Wilbur: [shuddering] Ooooh. You mean you eat flies?

Charlotte: Why, certainly. I eat anything that gets caught in my web. I have to live, don't I?

Wilbur: [nervously] Why, yes, of course. Do they taste good?

Charlotte: Delicious.

Wilbur: LECCH!

Charlotte: Course, I don't really *eat* them, I drink their blood. I love blood.

Wilbur: [gasps] Oh, please don't say things like that.

Charlotte: Why not? It's true.

Wilbur: But it's *cruel*.

Charlotte: Well, *you* can't talk. You have your meals brought to you in a pail. Nobody feeds me. I live by my wits.

Wilbur: It just seems an odd sort of diet.

Charlotte: Do you realize that if I didn't eat them, bugs would get so numerous, they'd destroy the earth? Spiders are really very useful creatures.

Templeton: What are you doing?

Charlotte: Working.

Templeton: Why so late?

Charlotte: I'll be lucky if I'm finished by sunup. Go to sleep, Templeton.

Templeton: Good night, Charlotte.

Charlotte: Good night, Templeton.

[repeated line]

Charlotte: Now go to sleep, you'll see me in the morning!

Fern Arable: [Templeton's rotten egg has been squashed under Wilbur's trough, and Fern thinks her brother has passed gas] Ooh! What did you DO, Avery?

Avery Arable: [running away] Good night! What a STINK!

Templeton: Lucky for you I saved that egg, Charlotte.

Charlotte: [reluctantly] Er, yes... and I'm grateful to you, Templeton...

[after the goose's eggs have hatched]

Wilbur: Congratulations! How many are there?

Goose: There are seven.

Charlotte: Seven is a lucky number.

Goose: Luck has nothing to do with it! It was good management and hard work!

Templeton: [looking at a solitary unhatched egg] Why didn't, uh, this one hatch?

Goose: [gloomily] It's a dud, I guess.

Templeton: What are you going to do with it?

Goose: [sternly] You can have it. Roll it away and add it to that nasty collection of yours! Be careful - a rotten egg can be a regular stink bomb!

Templeton: [patting the egg] I know what I'm doing. I handle stuff like this all the time.

[Templeton rolls the egg away and buries it in his hole]

Charlotte: Humble. Humble has two meanings: it means "not proud" and and it also means "near the ground." That's Wilbur all over.

Charlotte: Chin up, chin up / Everybody loves a happy face / Wear it, share it / It'll brighten up the darkest place / Twinkle, sparkle / Let a little sunshine in / You'll be on the right side, looking at the bright side / Up with your chinny-chin-chin.

Wilbur: I think you're beautiful.

Charlotte: Well, I am pretty. Nearly all spiders are good looking. I'm not as flashy as some, but I'll do.

Charlotte: [after Templeton ignored and distracted Charlotte's meeting, he continues to look for food as a cat approaches the fence] Why don't you try over by the fence, Templeton?

Templeton: Huh?

Charlotte: [innocently] Lurvy dropped half a sandwich from his lunch there.

Templeton: Why, thank you, Charlotte!

[goes over to the fence, the cat sees him and tries to pounce over the fence; he flees and the cat leaves]

Templeton: [calling] That wasn't nice, Charlotte!

Charlotte: Perhaps next time I call a meeting Templeton, you'll see fit to attend.

Charlotte: Do you want a friend?

Wilbur: Yes! I want a friend, but I want to live, too.

Charlotte: Where are you from?

Barry: Hawaii. Indonesia. Kenya. Take your pick.

Charlotte: Really? Um... Ni vizuri kukutana na wewe.

Barry: Really? What? In front of all these people? I mean, you're very pretty, and I'm flattered, but...

Charlotte: No, that's not what I was trying to say-...

Barry: I'm just messing with you. I have no idea what you just said.

Charlotte: Are you nervous about meeting my family?

Barry: Why? Do I look nervous to you?

Charlotte: No. You look like you're going into battle.

Tim: I know you've probably suspected this, but over the last month, I've fallen completely in love with you. Now, obviously this was going to happen because you're a goddess with that face, and that hair. But even if you didn't have a nice face, and even if you had absolutely no hair because of some bizarre medical reason, I'd still adore you. And I wondered if, by any chance, you might share my feelings?

Charlotte: Wow. Tell you what. Why don't we see how the summer goes, and you ask me again on my last night.

Tim: Your last night?

Charlotte: Yes. Try me on the last night. See what happens then, shall we? It's exciting.

Tim: Right. That's a perfect plan. That's absolutely perfect - last night.

Charlotte: Last night.

Tim: Thanks very much.

Charlotte: Night, night, Timmy.

Pete: Never do what they did.

Charlotte: I'm gonna do it...

Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.

Charlotte: Christ, what a dump!

Quentin: I hoped you'd like it.

[Repeated line]

Harriet: Me thinks.

Charlotte, Jane: [Both, together] We think so, too.

Kate: Oh, I see you've brought something to read to Zoe.

Charlotte: It's for my thesis... rapidly mutating deadly viruses.

Charlotte: Now listen here, teddy bear. Four weeks ago, you were a cute, available, old-fashioned guy who liked horse riding. In a month you got married, you had two daughters and you can't ride a horse to save your life!

Charlotte: [to Teddy] Should we break the ice here or in bed?

Charlotte: How can you live in a town this size and not see your ex-wife all the time?

Sully: That's easy, dolly. Peter's mom and I don't exactly travel in the same circles. As a matter of fact, Vera pretty much travels in a straight line.

Peter: SOMEBODY in this family had to.

Aura: I have no experience.

Charlotte: It's absolutely fine. On my resume under "skills", I put "has a landline".

Charlotte: You know the thing about your friends? They weren't assholes, were they?

Aura: No, not at all.

Charlotte: See, that's the problem. Our people are assholes. Our moms are assholes.

Aura: You think my mom's an asshole?

Charlotte: Yeah. She's too successful not to be.

Siri: Do you have the same sense of entitlement as my daughter.

Charlotte: Oh believe me, mine is much worse.

Charlotte: [to Aura after Charlotte slapped her because she hadn't seen her for years] I'm so sorry i slapped you! i'm just so overwhelmed!

Charlotte: [to Aura] You need something that shows off your little tits. You have the greatest little tits. They're like a 1960's porn star with those puffy little nipples you have.

Charlotte: [when Aura mentions her hostess pay check] I wouldn't get that excited about that paycheck. It's pretty disappointing. After awhile, I just stopped picking mine up.

Charlotte: OK, full disclosure. I was in rehab in 2007. It wasn't for this pot, it was for like a blow situation that I since cleared up.

Aura: Do you drink?

Charlotte: Yeah, no, no, umm... only kombucha, you know? And some red wine, but that's good for you. But I don't think we need to talk about all our issues, you know?

Charlotte: In high school, you were always the "I have to go home" girl. Are you still the "i have to go home" girl?

Aura: I have to go home.

Charlotte: I think the issue is that it reflects badly on Aura as an authority figure...

Nadine: You know what else reflects badly? Walking through my party with no pants on.

Charlotte: That's a good point.

Charlotte: Listen, if you're lonely, you can come back to my place, and we can just take an ambien and watch "Picnic at Hanging Rock".

Phil Elliott: Jo Bob is here to remind us that the biggest and the baddest get to make all the rules.

Charlotte: Well I don't agree with that.

Phil Elliott: Agreeing doesn't play into it.

Mrs. Peake: Mary? Mary, don't you recognize me?

Charlotte: It is Mary!

Mrs. Peake: Mrs. Worrall, there's no doubt about it. This is the girl I employed myself as a maid.

Mrs. Worrall: Is this true?

[pause]

Princess Caraboo: I'm very sorry, ma'am. I'm very sorry.

Charlotte: Men are horrible, vain and conceited. They have hair all over their bodies.

[Billy grabs Charlotte's wrist before locking the diner door]

Charlotte: Tom?

William Orser: [Billy covers Charlotte's mouth whispering with a menacing tone] Don't fuckin' move.

[taking his hand away, running it down Charlotte's breast, sniffing it before wiping it on his chest]

Miriam: Why wouldn't I tell him that his pure, darling little girl was having a dirty little affair with a married man?

Charlotte: You're a vile, sorry little bitch!

Charlotte: What do you think I asked you here for? COMPANY?

Charlotte: Get out, Luke Standish! You smirkin' Judas!

Harry Willis: You're my favorite living mystery.

Charlotte: Have you ever solved me?

Charlotte: Do you know what a woman's for in film?

Mitchel: Go on, then.

Charlotte: What this job is that I'm supposed to want?

Mitchel: I'm listening.

Charlotte: A woman is there to get the hero to talk about himself. About his hopes, about his fears, maybe even about his fascinating, fucking childhood.

Charlotte: Do you like violence?

Mitchel: I will hurt someone before they hurt me.

Charlotte: It's the Cape Canaveral of shitty marriages.

Charlotte: I just want you to know I used to be a virgin.

Jack Kelson: [Jack is coughing because of the smoke from the hot dogs on the grill] Oh!

Charlotte: Am I the only one in here who can't breathe?

Jack Kelson: Alright Nick, we're getting fixicated in here. Open that window.

Nick Kelson: Oh.

Jack Kelson: Here.

[Jack hands one of them a hot dog on a bun]

Nick Kelson: Is there any Ketchup?

Charlotte: Oh. Uh- ooh.

[Charlotte gets out of the car to get the Ketchup]

Jack Kelson: [to Nick] You were staring at her like a Goddamn yard bull. That's one fine lady, what do you got to say for yourself?

Nick Kelson: She going to Alaska with you?

Jack Kelson: Nobody's going with me. Start acting like a stand up kid. Don't aggravate me.

Charlotte: [Charlotte gets back into the car] Whoa.

Jack Kelson: Here.

[Jack hand the Ketchup to Nick]

Jack Kelson: .

Nick Kelson: [Mumbles] Thanks lady.

[Jack smacks Nick in the back of the head]

Nick Kelson: Charlotte.

Charlotte: That's me. Lady Charlotte.

Jack Kelson: Well.

[Jack takes a bite of the hot dog]

Jack Kelson: Best damn hot dog I ever had. Excuse me for eating with food in my mouth.

Charlotte: Pulley Fuss. It's a funny name.

Jack Kelson: It's French. Pouilly-Fuissé.

Charlotte: How much this cost?

Nick Kelson: $30.

Nick Kelson: 30 bucks?

Jack Kelson: [to Charlotte] Here's to you.

Charlotte: Here's to me.

Jack Kelson: You like your dogs? Hey. I'm talkin' to you.

Nick Kelson: Yeah. cool. I like it.

Jack Kelson: I was afraid something like this was going to happen. His mother was a mess. I mean he was coming along learning stuff, he had a hell of potential that kid coulda, been anything. what happened to him?

Charlotte: He isn't dead.

Jack Kelson: No not yet.

Charlotte: Why do you think he's out there?

Jack Kelson: Well, he started hangin' out with that chippy downstairs and and those street punks and next thing hes coming home with a pair of high heels. The rest is history.

Charlotte: You don't think that filling up that boys head with dreams and them kicking him out on his ass had anything to do with it.

Jack Kelson: Hey, when he came to me, he didn't have any dreams! He had nothin' he had a picture of a pig. Don't pin that rap on me, I'm out there bustin' my hump while this little wise ass punk is out there feavin'... gettin' mouthy. I take him in, he gets mouthy.

Charlotte: You miss him.

Jack Kelson: It's all fallin' apart on him. Hm. I was afraid in prison... now... I'm really scared. Heh. I don't know if I can help the kid. I don't know if I have anything good to give him. He needs so much. This is no good I gotta turn this around. Get some money quick.

Charlotte: How are ya going to do that?

Jack Kelson: Oh I got my ways.

Charlotte: Are we going back to jailhouse correspondence?

Jack Kelson: I gotta split.

Charlotte: Let's never come here again because it would never be as much fun.

Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be.

Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

Bob: It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.

Charlotte: It's scary.

Bob: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.

Charlotte: Nobody ever tells you that.

Bob: Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

Charlotte: That's nice.

Bob: I don't want to leave.

Charlotte: So don't. Stay here with me. We'll start a jazz band.

Charlotte: I just feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by other people.

Charlotte: 25 years. That's uh, well it's impressive.

Bob: Well you figure, you sleep one-third of your life, that knocks out eight years of marriage right there. So you're, y'know, down to 16 in change. You know you're just a teenager, at marriage, you can drive it but there's still the occasional accident.

Charlotte: I tried taking pictures, but they were so mediocre. I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses... taking pictures of your feet.

Bob: Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?

Charlotte: I'm in. I'll go pack my stuff.

Bob: I hope that you've had enough to drink. It's going to take courage.

Charlotte: That was the worst lunch.

Bob: So bad. What kind of restaurant makes you cook your own food?

Charlotte: [Bob is recollecting when he first saw Charlotte, in the elevator] Did I scowl at you?

Bob: No, you smiled.

Charlotte: I did?

Bob: Yes, it was a complete accident. A freak. I haven't seen it since. Just that one time.

[Charlotte smiles]

Bob: Like that, but bigger... bigger... mm-hmm... well, not that big!

Charlotte: So, what are you doing here?

Bob: Uh, a couple of things. Taking a break from my wife, forgetting my son's birthday. And, uh, getting paid two million dollars to endorse a whiskey when I could be doing a play somewhere.

Charlotte: Oh.

Bob: But the good news is, the whiskey works.

Charlotte: [after Bob tells her of his back pain] I'm in pain, I got my foot banged up. Wanna see it?

Bob: [to Chef, sarcastically] How do you say no?

[sees the foot]

Bob: Oh, my gosh! When did you do this?

Charlotte: I did it the other day, it hurts, y'know?

Bob: Didn't you feel any pain?

Charlotte: Yeah, it really hurt.

Bob: That toe is almost dead.

[Charlotte laughs]

Bob: I think I got to take you to a doctor, you can't just put that back in the shoe. Well, you either go to a doctor or you leave it here.

[regarding Chef]

Bob: He's smiling. You like that idea? See they love black toe in this country.

[Charlotte continues laughing]

Kelly: But listen, let's all go out for a drink sometimes. Yeah?

John: Yeah, yeah.

Kelly: You know, call me, okay?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kelly: Alright. Listen, I'm under Evelyn Waugh. Shh, okay?

Charlotte: [after Kelly leaves] Evelyn Waugh? Evelyn Waugh was a man.

John: Oh, come on, she's nice. What? You know, not everybody went to Yale. It's just a pseudonym, for Christ's sake.

Bob: What are you doing?

Charlotte: My husband's a photographer, so he's here working. I wasn't doing anything so I came along.

Bob: What do you do?

Charlotte: I'm not sure yet, actually.

Charlotte: Why do they switch the r's and the l's here?

Bob: Uh... for yuks. You know? Just to mix it up.

Bob: They have to amuse themselves, 'cause we're not making them laugh.

Bob: I was feeling tight in the shoulders and neck, so I called down and had a Shiatsu massage in my room...

Charlotte: Mmh, that's nice!

Bob: And the tightness has completely disappeared and been replaced by unbelievable pain.

[Charlotte laughs]

Charlotte: I'm stuck. Does it get easier?

Bob: No. - Yes, it gets easier.

Charlotte: Oh yeah? Look at you.

Bob: Thanks.

Charlotte: You're probably just having a mid-life crisis. Did you buy a Porsche yet?

Charlotte: [on the phone] I went to this temple and all these monks were chanting and I didn't feel anything. John's been using these hair products and I don't know who I married anymore.

DJ: I'd like to take that and lay it down with like a hip-hop beat like boom-tish boom-tish know what I mean?

Charlotte: No.

Bob: What did you study?

Charlotte: Philosophy.

Bob: There's a lot of money in that racket. You just have to work out all the angles.

John: Do you have to smoke so much? It's just so bad for you.

Charlotte: I'll stop later.

Charlotte: [making fun of his one-night stand] She's older. At least you'll have lots to talk about...

Bob: I can't believe you couldn't find anyone else to lavish you with attention.

[last lines]

Bob: Bye.

Charlotte: Bye.

Bob: Bye.

[Bob leaves Charlotte and walks back to his waiting taxi]

Bob: [to taxi driver] All right.

John: Well, not everyone went to Yale.

Charlotte: I thought it was funny.

Charlotte: Worst fight ever.

Charlotte: You know, you look much better without your clothes on. You're lucky. Not many people do.

Charlotte: Well, ignorance is bliss!

Prof. Henri: I love you. I love you, I tell you. Now walk on me. Spit on me. Stomp on my face.

Charlotte: Dirty old man! Pig! I'll teach you!

Prof. Henri: But I love you! Marquise, hit me harder!

Séverine Serizy: Who's Hippolyte?

Charlotte: Wait and see. An odd sort of guy.

Mathilde: When he has money he throws it around.

Charlotte: And when he's broke, he wants it for free.

Madame Anais: [Enters] Come on, girls. All three of you.

Charlotte: Where have you been?

Hyppolite: Traveling in New York. Business. Put three bottles on ice. The good stuff.

Madame Anais: My best.

Hyppolite: From Paris straight to heaven. What I miss most abroad is French champagne and sexy gals like you.

Charlotte: If you wanted to seduce me you could have just asked.

Will: You think I'm too old for you?

Charlotte: Oh, no... I collect antiques, or I aspire to.

Will: Ouch.

Will: You don't want to die! You want to live!

Charlotte: You don't think I've been through this so many times? I don't want to give people hope when there isn't any!

Will: Why not? Maybe we need hope.

Will: [after Charlotte takes his watch] When do I get it back?

Charlotte: When you forget that I have it.

Charlotte: Boy, do you look guilty!

Charlotte: Jerry, Dr. Jaquith knows about us. When he said I could take Tina, he said "You're on probation." Do you know what that means? It means that I'm on probation because of you and me. He allowed this visit as a test. If I can't stand such a test, I'll lose Tina and we'll lose each other. Jerry, please help me.

Jerry: Shall we just have a cigarette on it?

Charlotte: Yes.

Jerry: May I sometimes come here?

Charlotte: Whenever you like. It's your home, too. There are people here who love you.

Jerry: And look at you and Tina, and share with you peace and contentment.

Charlotte: Of course. And just think, it won't be for this time only. That is, if you will help me keep what we have. If we both try hard to protect that little strip of territory that's ours. We can talk about your child...

Jerry: *Our* child.

Charlotte: Thank you.

Jerry: And will you be happy, Charlotte?

Charlotte: Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars.

Jerry: If I were free, there would be only one thing I'd want to do - prove you're not immune to happiness. Would you want me to prove it, Charlotte? Tell me you would. Then I'll go. Why, darling, you are crying.

Charlotte: I'm such a fool, such an old fool. These are only tears of gratitude - an old maid's gratitude for the crumbs offered.

Jerry: Don't talk like that.

Charlotte: You see, no one ever called me "darling" before.

Jerry: Are you one of the Vales of Boston?

Charlotte: One of the lesser ones.

Dr. Jasquith: I thought you came up here to have a nervous breakdown.

Charlotte: Well, I've decided not to have one... if it's all the same to you.

Charlotte: A spinster aunt is an ideal person to select presents for young girls.

Jerry: Is it Miss, or Mrs.?

Charlotte: It's Aunt.

June: Got the shakes, Aunt Charlotte?

Charlotte: Go on! Make fun of me! You think it's fun making fun of me!

Charlotte: An architect! I could cry with pride.

Louise: You brought them to us!

Lena: That's not true I didn't say anything to him!

Louise: How did they find us then?

Lena: You kill people every night! Do you think this goes unnoticed?

Charlotte: She's right Louise. Cleaning up has never been our strong point.

Lena: How many of you are there?

Louise: 40 women in Europe, about 100 all across the world.

Lena: And the men?

Charlotte: They are extinct.

Charlotte: If you want to make them swim, you throw them into water.

Charlotte: Meow.

Charlotte: Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe we're wasting our time; we could set the reflectors out and something would just come along and eat them.

Chuck: No... no. Myphonium tastes terrible.

Charlotte: What?

Chuck: My father was an astrophysicist. When I was a little kid I thought Myphonium was the most wonderful thing in the world. I tasted some... it tastes like old socks, heh heh heh.

Evan: Where were you born?

Charlotte: Bethesda, Maryland.

Evan: I've never been there; is it nice?

Charlotte: I don't remember; I was zero at the time.

Evan: Alright, look. I... I don't really... date much.

Charlotte: And you're doing great. So far, since we've been here, you haven't scoped out any other chicks, or stolen my credit card. Which is a lot more than I can say for my last date. So, in my book, you're aces.

Charlotte: [Changing clothes and standing naked, her butt and the side of her breast are shown] You know, she didn't have a choice

Chris: [Notices Charlotte naked and smiles] Let's just put the knives in your father's back where they belong.

Charlotte: [Putting on a shirt, her right breast and butt are visible] Yeah, that might be more appropriate.

Chris: You know, I can't help wishing you had inherited a little bit of his promiscuity.

Charlotte: [Buttoning up the shirt, still naked from the waist down with her butt visible] Yeah, but look where it got him. I wish I'd seen him at least once before he died.

Charlotte: Why'd you send Carlotta away?

Alfred: I wanted to kiss you. But we have all night, don't we?

Charlotte: Must we really go? Two hours by sleigh at night? If only we didn't perform tomorrow.

Alfred: You're the only one who wanted to go. You asked me to reserve rooms. Two, in fact, I have no idea why.

Charlotte: Never know what turn things may take.

Alfred: Why do you toy with me? You are beauty, talent, life!

Charlotte: Because I'm an actress.

Alfred: The theater is an incredible thing. We always know our next line in advance. You chose that inn because it reminds you of your ex-lover, didn't you?

Charlotte: Yes.

Alfred: You like comparing the present with the past. You'll be stirring up old memories all evening. Think it's pleasant for me? You'll send me away 20 times.

Charlotte: Yes. But you also know that the 21st time, I won't, don't you?

Alfred: Yes, I know.

Charlotte: Exactly what pleasures do you enjoy at your age?

Le comte: My friend Count Bobby and I often discuss that.

Charlotte: Love?

Le comte: They who believe in love will always find a woman.

Charlotte: And is that happiness?

Le comte: Pardon me, but happiness doesn't exist. It's the things one speaks of most that are the least real.

Charlotte: Too true.

Le comte: Drunkenness and pleasure exist. Let's say I feel pleasure. I know I feel it. Or let's say I'm drunk. Fine, it's a fact. When it's over...

Charlotte, Le comte: It's over!

Charlotte: Well, ask me something.

Le comte: I ask permission to come back tonight.

Charlotte: No. Why put off to the evening what can be done in the morning?

Le comte: I'll tell you why: Love in the morning? No. I see things differently.

Charlotte: How do you see them?

Le comte: I'll wait for you at the stage door in my carriage. We'll dine together.

Charlotte: And then?

Le comte: We'll go home.

Charlotte: And then?

Le comte: And then matters will follow their natural course.

Charlotte: You're so sweet! Don't you find it warm in here?

Le comte: You're right.

Charlotte: Quick, unbutton this. It's so dark that we can pretend it's night. And no one can see us... but ourselves.

Le comte: Shall we say the day after tomorrow?

Charlotte: Why? You said tonight.

Le comte: It wouldn't mean anything anymore. I mean - morally speaking.

Charlotte: Morally speaking, I absolutely must see you tonight. I'd like to discuss the state of our souls.

Le comte: Good. Then I'll wait for you at the stage door.

Charlotte: No, you'll wait for me here.

Le comte: In your home?

Charlotte: In my bedroom.

Le comte: No supper at L'Imperial?

Charlotte: No. It would be meaningless, philosophically speaking.

Le comte: Very well. I must take my leave. For a courtesy call, I've stayed a bit too long.

Charlotte: Charmed to have made your acquaintance.

Le comte: Please give my regards to you mother.

Charlotte: I don't *want* somebody, I *need* somebody - grow up