Charlie Croker Quotes in The Italian Job (2003)

Skinny Pete: [over the phone] If there's one thing I know, it's never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother freaking Ukrainians.

Charlie Croker: Look, I need a favor.

John Bridger: I feel so optimistic. How do you feel?

Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.

John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?

Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately.

John Bridger: Freaked out...

Charlie Croker: Insecure...

John Bridger: Neurotic...

Charlie Croker: And Emotional.

John Bridger: You see those columns behind you?

Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?

John Bridger: That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.

Charlie Croker: After you.

Left Ear: [observing the front gate to Steve's house. He sees guard dogs] Shit.

[Speaks into his wire]

Left Ear: This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.

Charlie Croker: [from their Netcom Cable van] What happened?

Left Ear: [speaking slowly to reiterate his point, irritated] I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. "I'm" deaf!

John Bridger: Charlie, there are two kinds of thieves in this world: The ones who steal to enrich their lives, and those who steal to define their lives. Don't be the latter. Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.

Charlie Croker: What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.

John Bridger: Sending presents doesn't make you a good father. I've spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hold onto her forever.

Steve: [in a restaurant] You blew the best thing you had going for you. You blew the element of surprise.

[Charlie punches Steve]

Charlie Croker: Surprised?

Stella Bridger: [in her hotel room] What did you do to your hand?

Charlie Croker: I punched Steve.

Stella Bridger: Well, why do you get to punch him and I don't?

Charlie Croker: Because those hands are way too valuable.

[Lyle arrives on his motorcycle. He has trouble on the bike, though]

Charlie Croker: [when meeting Charlie's crew for the first time] That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea.

[We see a flashback of Fanning stealing a Floppy disk from a napping Lyle]

Charlie Croker: I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.

Lyle: Hey.

[Lyle falls over]

Charlie Croker: You okay?

Lyle: Yeah.

[a car drives up behind him]

Charlie Croker: That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl.

[Cuts to the exterior of a toilet stall. Suddenly the door bursts open from an explosion. The toilet is spraying a fountain of water up]

Kid On Left: Damn, that was cool. How did you do that?

Young Left Ear: What?

Kid On Right: How did you do that?

Young Left Ear: WHAT?

Kid On Right: I said, "how did you do that?"

Young Left Ear: What?

[Flashback to present]

Charlie Croker: Lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.

[a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella]

Charlie Croker: Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase.

[Cuts to Rob being chased down the freeway by a massive armada of police cars]

Charlie Croker: You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news?

[We see two women hanging a banner on a bridge saying "We heart you, Rob."]

[about John]

Charlie Croker: Just because he was around me more doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you all the time.

Stella Bridger: [Sniffling] It would be nice if it was true.

Charlie Croker: It is true. He always regretted not having been a good enough father to you, Stella.

Stella Bridger: How do you know that?

Charlie Croker: Because he told me.

Steve: [in a restaurant] Don't talk about right or wrong with me, man, because I don't give a shit. Okay? You got your cards, I got my cards. We made our play, and I came out on top. Okay? Now, if you want to start the game up again, that's fine with me. What is your play here, really? Come on, what do you? What do you think? You'll try to take out my guards, right? I have five of them that you don't know about. You'll try to have Lyle hack the system? I'll change it again tomorrow morning. What was your final move? I mean. Have Bridger's daughter come in and try to crack my safe? That's very poetic and all, but I just don't see it. I don't think she'll get anywhere near it.

Charlie Croker: Same old Steve huh? Always thinking defensively. That's why you're always number two.

[last lines]

Charlie Croker: [voice over narration] I took John Bridger's advice. I found somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with and I'm going to hold onto her forever.

Charlie Croker: [in a restaurant] You've got no imagination. You couldn't even decide what to do with all that money, so you had to buy what everybody else wanted.

Steve: Try this on your imagination, okay. That gold is already gone.

Charlie Croker: Napster, Gridlock every route except the one we chose. Force that truck to go exactly where we want it to go.

Handsome Rob: Where do we want it to go? We can't have a shoot up without guns. We'd lose.

Charlie Croker: We do it like the Italian job.

Charlie Croker: A police boat can get from the station to our position in seven. That means you've got four minutes to work your magic.

John Bridger: What? You told me ten and you said that I would have five.

Charlie Croker: [slightly panicking] When?

[John smiles and then chuckles]

Charlie Croker: [sighs with relief] Do not be messing with me right now, okay? I will kick your ass.

[Lyle wants to be called "The Napster"]

Handsome Rob: Come on, Charlie. They were at the same college at the same time.

Charlie Croker: Why are you encouraging this?

[timing the getaway to Union Station]

Handsome Rob: It's either bad traffic, peak traffic, slit-your-wrist traffic... you know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights today.

Left Ear: You know, they do have the Metrorail, Rob, you could always use that.

Handsome Rob: Yeah, that'd be ideal for carrying a ton of gold now, wouldn't it, genius?

Charlie Croker: What's your guesstimate?

Handsome Rob: The last twenty times I done this journey, you've got an average of thirty two minutes and a top time of fifty, but if we had green lights all the way, we could do it in fourteen minutes.

Stella: [poking fun] What? Couldn't get through traffic?

[as they are dangling from under the road way, after Left Ear's gotten all the explosives in place, and is about to insert the detonater]

Left Ear: Just give me a minute.

Charlie Croker: [impatiently] NOW?

Left Ear: I'm about to insert this detonator tube, and if the brass touches the sides, we'll both be the last people we ever see.

Charlie Croker: [suddenly looking very nervous] Take all the time you need.

Left Ear: [after a long pause] Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Croker: What?

Left Ear: [pause] I love you, man.

Charlie Croker: I love you too.

Charlie Croker: We set?

Lyle: Yeah. I've enhanced the viewing matrix to track both the Cartesian coordinates and three altitude angles to give the exact position and orientation of our baby.

Left Ear: We're in Italy. Speak English.

[watching Stella's high-tech system of safecracking]

Charlie Croker: You know, your dad was old school. Did the whole thing by touch.

Charlie Croker: [after opening Steve's safe] Don't you want to see what's inside?

Stella: Absolutely.

Lyle: [while in their warehouse] You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em.

[chuckles]

Charlie Croker: What have you got?

Lyle: Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

Charlie Croker: You want to do a dry run?

Lyle: [singsong] I thought you'd never ask.

Charlie Croker: [playing basketball with Handome Rob when his phone rings] Hello?

Stella: I want to see the look on that man's face when his gold is gone. He took my father from me, I'm taking this.

[hangs up]

Charlie Croker: [to Handsome Rob] She's in.

Charlie Croker: [on the Coast Starlight] Guys, I want to make a toast. To John Bridger. The most brilliant master planner of all. Father and friend.

Stella: To my Dad.

Charlie Croker: [trailer only] You ready to create the biggest traffic jam in the history of Los Angeles?

Lyle: I'm so ready.

Lyle: [after he causes a traffic jam] Oops. Wow, did I...? Oops! But it's awesome. Is that not awesome?

Charlie Croker: Can you change it back?

Charlie Croker: This is it, guys. Moment of truth.

[there is a street party going on ahead of them]

Charlie Croker: What the hell is this?

[he stops]

Charlie Croker: Shit! Steve's neighbors throwing a party.

Valet: [someone approaches him] Are you here for the Baker party, Sir?

Charlie Croker: No.

Charlie Croker: Hello Steve.

Steve: Charlie. Not bad, Charlie. Really, not bad.

Lyle: [watching his screen] Metro just passed the station. You are clear for ninety seconds. Go!

[the three MINIs all turn and drive along the sidewalks, dodging pedestrians]

Charlie Croker: Come on, Steve.

[the three MINIs make a left turn and travel down the stairs into the 7th and Metro station. They dodge commuters inside the mezzanine area]

Lyle: Thirty seconds and counting.

[They turn onto the platform, as a Blue Line train comes into the station]

Lyle: Fifteen seconds, you're blocked in or you're paint on the train.

Left Ear: Go, go, go, go!

[They accelerate past a number of baffled Blue Line passengers inside the train]

Charlie Croker: Stay right on me. This is gonna be tight.

[He jumps his MINI in the tight space between the train and the wall. Stella follows. Left Ear produces some sparks as he makes the jump]

Left Ear: Go-go-go-go-go-go!

Lyle: You're gonna stop right... there.

[he presses a button and chuckles to himself. The train comes to a stop at the end of the platform, and the overhead lines lose power. The entire train goes dark]

[Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls]

Handsome Rob: He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie

Charlie Croker: Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.

Lyle: Why not? You call him Left Ear.

Left Ear: Well, I am.

Lyle: And him Handsome Rob.

Charlie Croker: Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob!

Lyle: Well you can call me The Napster.

Lyle: [looking at his name on their new ID's] James Hymen? Come one, just once give me a cool name!

Left Ear: A hundred and forty pounds? Try one sixty five!

Handsome Rob: Try lifting some weights!

[as everyone is leaving Lyle still notices his bike is still laying on the ground]

Lyle: Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Croker: Handsome? Think you can help him with his bike?

Left Ear: Yeah, help Knievel set up for his next jump!

John Bridger: [while in Italy] I sent it.

Charlie Croker: You're supposed to do your shopping after we pull off the job.

John Bridger: For after the haul.

Charlie Croker: Hope I'll get to fire it up.

John Bridger: Still no word from the garbage men?

Charlie Croker: No. They're no shows. Three months of preps down the tube, and I dragged you out of retirement for nothing.

John Bridger: This is fun. I like this. You've taken over the reigns, all the worries. You're loosey goosey. I'm just along for the ride.

Charlie Croker: Steve, what the hell are you doing?

Steve: [pointing a gun at them] Made a few plans of my own.

John Bridger: There's nowhere you can go where we won't find you, Steve. You know that.

Steve: I think that's probably right, John.

Charlie Croker: [while in her locksmith shop] I found him Stella. He's in Los Angeles. The gold bricks he stole from us had a Balinese dancer stamped on them. This guy worked for a contact of mine, Skinny Pete, that a gold dealer in L.A.'s been buying those bricks.

Stella Bridger: Yeah? How do you know it's him.

Charlie Croker: Skinny Pete sent me this.

[shows her a photo of Steve]

Charlie Croker: [while in her locksmith shop] Hey, it's not about the gold, Stella. Okay? John was like a father to me, too. I'm sorry, alright. I just can't move on until I've set things right.

Stella Bridger: I've moved on.

Left Ear: Okay, party people. Here's the status. There's an anti-scaling fence, hardened electro-plated steel. Yeah, I'll have to paint that up with some nitromon.

Charlie Croker: Security on the property?

Left Ear: An armed guard, here. A little rent-a-cop with a nine millimeter on his hip. But that booth, security booth looks prime for a chemical grenade.

Lyle: Nitromon? Chemical grenades? That stuff's pretty hard to come by.

Left Ear: Yeah, Lyle, it's a bear market. Shit!

Stella Bridger: Yeah, but so how do we get the gold from the vault to the getaway car.

Charlie Croker: How wide is the hallway... Napster?

Lyle: Six feet.

Handsome Rob: Okay, you've got your gold.

Charlie Croker: [to Steve after he punches him] It's over when I say it's over.

Charlie Croker: Me? I've been a thief since I had baby teeth.

[in flashback, Charlie tells two bullies what to do so he can rob another kid]

Young Charlie: Okay, you both know what to do.

Bully: Cough it up now.

[They stage some horseplay on another kid]

Bully: Watch it, spas! Hey, what's your problem, man?

[Charlie steals money from that kid's pocket and walks away]

Charlie Croker: Steve, how we looking?

Steve: [in one of the rooms in their joint] Papa took the boat to work at 8:15, so the garage is empty. Mama left with daughter at 8:30 for pre-school as usual. So for the next 45 minutes, we own this place, gentlemen.

John Bridger: I want to propose a toast. To us!

Charlie Croker, Lyle, Left Ear, Handsome Rob, Steve: Yeah!

[Arthur blows up a truck]

Charlie Croker: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

[last lines]

Charlie Croker: Hang on, lads; I've got a great idea.

Garage Manager: You must have shot an awful lot of tigers, sir.

Charlie Croker: Yes, I used a machine gun.

Charlie Croker: Just remember this - in this country they drive on the wrong side of the road.

Tailor: [Charlie is being measured for a suit after his release from prison] We haven't seen you for a while, sir.

Charlie Croker: No, I've been away.

Tailor: Well, I'm glad you're out- er... back.

Charlie Croker: It's a very difficult job and the only way to get through it is we all work together as a team. And that means you do everything I say.

[Lorna picks Charlie up from prison]

Charlie Croker: This car belongs to the Pakistani ambassador!

Lorna: It does?

Charlie Croker: Typical, isn't it? I've been out of jail five minutes, and already I'm in a hot car.

Lorna: Charlie, I just wanted you to come out in style, baby.

Charlie Croker: What's the matter.

Yellow: He says he wants to sit up in front with the driver!

Coco: I always get sick in the back.

Yellow: Listen, if I go in the back, I'll get me migraine, I'll be out like a light.

Charlie Croker: You are not going to be sick. You are not going to have your migraine. And everybody is gonna sit in the back of the motor!

Arthur: Charlie, me in the back of the motor with my asthma?

Charlie Croker: You wouldn't hit a man with no trousers on, would you?

Charlie Croker: You'll be making a grave error if you kill us.

Charlie Croker: There are a quarter of a million Italians in Britain and they'll be made to suffer. Every restaurant, cafe, ice-cream parlor, gambling den and nightclub in London, Liverpool and Glasgow will be smashed.

Dominic: Shouldn't we synchronise our watches?

Charlie Croker: Nuts to your watches! You just be at the Piazza at a quarter to...

Charlie Croker: Bill?

Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie?

Charlie Croker: Bill!

Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie?

Charlie Croker: Burn this for me, will 'ya?

Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie.

Charlie Croker: Oh, Bill?

Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie?

Charlie Croker: Get rid of this, lot.

Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie.

Lorna: [after hearing a rapid knock at the door] It's the Law, Charlie!

Charlie Croker: What you tell 'em?

Lorna: Charlie, would I tell them anything?

Charlie Croker: ...Yes you would.