Charlie Baileygates Quotes in Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron!

Jamaal: Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.

Shonte Jr.: What? What?

Jamaal: What's a deuteron made up of?

Shonte Jr.: Duh, a proton and a neutron.

Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing right there?

Shonte Jr.: Shit, I don't know!

Jamaal: Well, get it outta there then!

Shonte Jr.: Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?

Jamaal: Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck!

Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.

Jamaal: Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid!

Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid.

Jamaal: Aw, shit, man.

Charlie Baileygates: Mornin', fellas.

Lee Harvey: Oh, hey, Dad.

Jamaal: Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?

Charlie Baileygates: What's all the commotion down here?

Jamaal: Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.

Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?

Shonte Jr.: Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.

Charlie Baileygates: Ooh, that'd be whack.

Lee Harvey: Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.

Jamaal: [bumping fists] Give it up, dog.

Shonte Jr.: Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!

Charlie Baileygates: I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.

Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what?

Layla: Of course, Charlie.

Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?

Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.

[Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver]

Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber.

Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy."

[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station]

Irene P. Waters: What are those for?

Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.

Irene P. Waters: What's it called?

Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Charlie Baileygates: Do you people take checks?

Limo Driver: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?

Charlie Baileygates: No, no, no, no, God, no! Your company.

Limo Driver: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!

Colonel Partington: Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?

Charlie Baileygates: Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!

[Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]

Charlie Baileygates: So, Whitey, what happened to your family?

Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law, huh?

Charlie Baileygates: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!

Irene P. Waters: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!

Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel numb?

Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.

Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.

Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.

Charlie Baileygates: Irene?

Irene P. Waters: Hmm?

Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?

Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.

Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.

Charlie Baileygates: Hey, it happens.

Charlie Baileygates: Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?

Whitey: Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.

Charlie Baileygates: Uh, okay.

Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.

Charlie Baileygates: He's a funny motherfucker!

Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist!

Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?

Charlie Baileygates: No!

Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity!

[Limo Driver chases Charlie]

Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!

Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!

Hank Evans: What the hell are you still doing here?

Charlie Baileygates: You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together.