Charlie Quotes in Wonder Woman (2017)
Charlie: May we get what we want...
Steve Trevor: ...and may we get what we need.
Sameer: But may we never get what we deserve.
Charlie: Maybe you're better off without me, yeah?
Diana Prince: [smiles] No, Charlie. Who will sing for us?
Charlie: Good to see you John.
John Wick: Charlie...
Charlie: You look good. And here I'd feared you'd left all this behind.
[the Interrogator questions Charlie, who is tied to a railroad track]
The Interrogator: Is Kingsman worth dying for?
Charlie: No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here!
The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.
[Interrogator walks away]
Charlie: No, that wasn't the fucking deal!
[Train passes over Charlie and the section he's tied to drops down. Section rises as Arthur arrives at the scene]
Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace.
Charlie: I'm so sorry. Please untie me.
Arthur: Untie yourself.
[Arthur walks away]
Charlie: Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone!
[Merlin, Hart, Eggsy, Roxy, and Percival observe the scene in the control room]
Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood?
[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other and nod to Merlin]
Merlin: Good. Dismissed.
[the Kingsman agents and candidates leave the room. Merlin turns around and turns on the loudspeaker at the railway]
Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.
Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking dad's gonna hear about this!
Merlin: Congratulations on completing your first task. Charlie, Roxy, well done. For those of you who are still confused, if you can get a breathing tube through the U-bend of a toilet, you have an unlimited air supply. Simple physics... worth remembering. Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror.
Charlie: He's probably seen enough of them.
Merlin: Yeah, you can all wipe the smirk off your faces because as far as I'm concerned, every single one of you has failed. You all forgot the most important thing: Teamwork.
[Merlin points at the quarters. The candidates get up and see that Amelia has drowned]
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So much for classic army technique.
Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin. You are about to embark on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world. One of you, and only one of you, will become the next Lancelot.
[Grabs bag on bed]
Merlin: Can anybody tell me what this is?
[All candidates except Eggsy raise their hand. Merlin selects Charlie]
Charlie: Body bag, sir.
Merlin: Correct. Charlie, isn't it?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Merlin: Good. In a moment, you will each collect a body bag. You will write your name on that bag. You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag. This represents your acknowledgment of the risks you are about to face, as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality, which incidentally if you break, will result in you and your next of kin being in that bag. Is that understood?
[All candidates except Eggsy, still with a confused look, nod]
Merlin: Excellent. Fall out.
Charlie: Excuse me, Lieutenant. Is there something wrong?
Maverick: Yes ma'am, the data on the MiG is inaccurate.
Charlie: How's that, Lieutenant?
Maverick: Well, I just happened to see a MiG 28 do a...
Maverick: Uh, sorry, Goose. *We* happened to see a MiG 28 do a 4g negative dive.
Charlie: Where did you see this?
Maverick: Uh, that's classified.
Charlie: It's what?
Maverick: It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Charlie: So, lieutenant, where exactly were you?
Maverick: Well, we...
Goose: Thank you.
Maverick: Started up on a 6, when he pulled from the clouds, and then I moved in above him.
Charlie: Well, if you were directly above him, how could you see him?
Maverick: Because I was inverted.
Iceman: [coughs whilst saying] Bullshit.
Goose: No, he was man. It was a really great move. He was inverted.
Charlie: You were in a 4g inverted dive with a MiG28?
Maverick: Yes, ma'am.
Charlie: At what range?
Maverick: Um, about two meters.
Goose: It was actually about one and a half I think. It was one and a half. I've got a great Polaroid of it, and he's right there, must be one and a half.
Maverick: Was a nice picture.
Charlie: Eh, lieutenant, what were you doing there?
Maverick: Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations. You know, giving him the bird!
Goose: [Charlie looks puzzled, so Goose clarifies] You know, the finger
Charlie: Yes, I know the finger, Goose.
Goose: I-I'm sorry, I hate it when it does that, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Charlie: Hello, Pete Mitchell. I heard the best of the best were going to be back here, so uh...
Maverick: This could be complicated. You know on the first one I crashed and burned.
Charlie: And the second?
Maverick: I don't know, but uh, it's looking good so far.
Maverick: Jesus Christ, and you think I'm reckless? When I fly, I'll have you know that my crew and my plane come first.
Charlie: Well, I am going to finish my sentence, Lieutenant. My review of your flight performance was right on.
Maverick: Is that right?
Charlie: That is right, but I held something back. I see some real genius in your flying, Maverick, but I can't say that in there. I was afraid that everyone in the tax trailer would see right through me, and I just don't want anyone to know that I've fallen for you.
Charlie: [Maverick and Goose have just successfully serenaded Charlie with their rendition of "You've Lost That Loving Feeling."] Sit down! I love that song! How long have you two been doing this act?
Maverick: Oh, since uh...
Maverick: Right, puberty.
Charlie: I'll have what he's having. Hemlock, is it?
Maverick: Ice water.
Charlie: Listen, can I ask you a personal question?
Maverick: That depends.
Charlie: Are you a good pilot?
Maverick: I can hold my own.
Charlie: Great, then I won't have to worry about you making your living as a singer.
Maverick: I'm going to need a beer to put these flames out. Yo! Great Mav, real slick.
Charlie: What do you wanna do? Just drop down on the tile and go for it?
Maverick: No, actually I had this counter in mind.
Charlie: Great, that would be very, very comfortable, yeah.
Maverick: It could be.
Charlie: You're not going to be happy unless you're going Mach 2 with your hair on fire.
Maverick: I can see it's dangerous for you, but if the government trusts me, maybe you could.
Charlie: It takes a lot more than just fancy flying.
Charlie: Maverick, you big stud... Take me to bed or lose me forever.
[after Roop and Charlie crash into a bystander's van]
Charlie: Boy, we're really going to get it this time. He had his indicator on.
Roop: Shut up!
Charlie: Permission to come aboard, skipper?
Max: Permission granted, little buddy!
Max: We are looking at 25 to 30 years here.
Charlie: But you said there was 5 to 10.
Max: That was before we shot Dawn's husband.
Charlie: *You* shot Dawn's husband!
Max: I only shot him because you tag-teamed his wife!
Charlie: [narrating] Reunions are strange. They bring up a lot of feelings about your past. Were you a jock? A pothead? A Drama Club kid? A loser? Did you get the girl? Or did she ever even notice you? Who did you want to be, and who did you actually become?
Max: [suddenly putting an arm on his shoulder] Damn, Charlie. You still hung up on that skank?
Charlie: How could you have not researched these guys?
Max: I researched them. Dr. Ron, a very successful doctor, with an impeccable record, who unfortunately got two bullets to the head.
Charlie: You said he died of natural causes!
Max: You naturally die if you get two bullets to the head.
Heather: It's been fun, Charlie.
[holding a gun on him]
Charlie: No no no, before you kill me, I want to tell you something. After we had sex, you farted in your sleep - like six times.
Heather: Yeah, well, no one but you will ever know that, because there's no way you're faking your way out of this, Charlie.
Max: [watching grind dancers] Man, these two assholes deserve each other.
Charlie: They actually got divorced. They're still really good friends, though.
Max: I see that.
Charlie: They had twins together, but... she got remarried.
Max: Wow. Imagine if her husband was here right now, watching that alcoholic hose-bag fuckin' dry-humpin' her ex?
Charlie: He *is* here, actually.
[holds up his ring finger]
Max: Oh, hey, congratulations!
Charlie: [exploring they're new hide-away] There's like five houses in this house. Another pool!
Charlie: [narrating] You know, a good friend of mine once told, you have to have a rubber in your wallet and an umbrella in your trunk, cause you never know when you're gonna fuck in the rain. He also suggested carrying around zombie makeup for those times when you want to strike terror into the hearts of people who screwed you over.
Max: You ready for this?
Charlie: Fuck yes. You only live twice, right?
Charlie: I don't work at Save and fuckin' Pay!
Charlie: [voice-over] When I was a little girl, my mother would remind me each night before bed, to open up my heart to God, for He was kind, merciful, and just. Things changed when my father left a few years later, leaving her to raise me and my brothers in a place on the edge of the Mojave Desert. She never talked of a kind and merciful God again. Instead she spoke of a prophecy. Of a time when all the world would be covered in darkness and the fate of mankind would be decided. One night, I finally got the courage to ask my mother why God had changed, why He was so mad at His children. "I don't know," she said, tucking the covers around me, "I guess He just got tired of all the bullshit."
Gladys Foster: [Charlie brings Gladys' steak to her table] Oh, thank you dear. How far along are you?
Charlie: Oh, just about there.
Gladys Foster: The father must be very proud.
Charlie: Nah I wouldn't know.
Gladys Foster: He's?
Charlie: Out of sight, out of mind.
Gladys Foster: I see...
[Charlie tries to wave the flies away from the steak]
Gladys Foster: So I take it you're not married.
Gladys Foster: That's too bad.
Charlie: No. Yeah I prefer it that way. I don't need a man telling me what to do.
Gladys Foster: But what about the baby?
Charlie: I got it under control.
Gladys Foster: But it's gonna burn.
Charlie: [pauses, staring at Gladys] What did you just say?
Gladys Foster: I said your fucking baby's gonna burn.
[the whole diner stares in stunned silence]
Charlie: Go to hell, lady!
[Charlie slams the bill on the table and storms off to the kitchen]
Charlie: [Charlie says to Jeep and Bob] Fucking Jesus freak!
Bob Hanson: What happened?
Gladys Foster: [chuckling as she begins to eat her steak] All those little babies are gonna burn!
Percy Walker: [trying to get Gladys to quiet down] Ho... Ho...
Charlie: [voice-over] When I was a little girl, my mother spoke of a prophecy, of a time when all the world would be covered in darkness and the fate of mankind would be decided. One night I finally got the courage to ask my mother, why God was so mad at His children. "I don't know," she said tucking the covers around me, "I guess He just got tired of all the bullshit."
Michael: Now at least the child will have a chance to grow up. A chance to lead the world out of darkness.
Charlie: What happens until then?
Michael: You need to show him how.
Charlie: What makes you think I can do that? What makes you think I want to do that? If he's so important, why don't you take him?
Michael: Because this journey is yours.
Charlie: Wait, wait a minute, this can't be happening to me. I'm nobody. I'm just a waitress! I don't even own a car.
Charlie: Once upon a time there were three very different little girls who grew up to be three very different women with three things in common: they're brilliant, they're beautiful, and they work for me. My name is Charlie.
Charlie: Good morning, angels.
Dylan, Natalie, Alex: Good morning, Charlie!
Scrad: Got NOTHIN' out of him, now we don't know if it's on Earth or not!
Serleena: He said "third planet", it's here, you idiot!
Charlie: [whispers] Third Rock From the Sun.
Scrad: I never got that till now!
Charlie: [Making toy Brontosaurus and Triceratops fight] Rawr! RAWR RAWR!
Dr. Grant: No, Charlie, those are herbavores, they... wouldn't be fighting with each other.
[picks up toy velociraptors]
Dr. Grant: Now, these, these are carnivores and they really like fighting with each other. They'll use their teeth and claws to rip each other's throats out.
Ellie Degler: Alan, he's three. Let's wait for the dinosaur lecture until he's five.
Charlie: Daddy, Daddy, this is a herbivore and that's the Dinosaur Man.
[referring to Alan Grant]
David Sumner: Hey Charlie, there is something in the Bible I do believe.
Charlie: Whats that, sir.
David Sumner: "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife."
Charlie: I believe in that, too. But what happens when thy neighbor's wife covets you?
Charlie: You want your glasses. Go ahead put 'em on, I want you to see what's coming, David...
Charlie: Son of a bitch got some man in him after all. Alright, lets end this.
Charlie: [first lines... as Norm takes butchering saw to still live deer] Norm. What are you doing, man? Geez.
Charlie: You don't think God had anything to do helping the Ruskies?
David Sumner: God?
David Sumner: U-u-h...
Charlie: Why is that funny?
David Sumner: That God would help a nation of atheists?
Charlie: He works in mysterious ways.
David Sumner: Most dangerous line ever uttered.
Charlie: [after listening to Super Soul's broadcast] Did you hear that?
Charlie: Where the hell he get so much information?
Collins: Same place as you do, Charley.
Charlie: You mean from our own frequency?
Collins: That's right.
Charlie: How long's he been at it?
Collins: Year 'n a half, maybe two.
Charlie: Hell, that's against the law!
Collins: So's carryin' a transistor on duty.
Charlie: Hey, come on now, that's different.
Collins: But he never says anything to incriminate himself. Brains 'n lawyers, Charley. As far as the law's concerned, he's clean as Kleenex.
Charlie: What do you think he's done?
Collins: Don't know.
Charlie: Well, what do you think?
Collins: I think he's gonna hijack that car to Cuba, hahahaha.
Charlie: Don't be ridiculous!
Collins: Hell, Charley, I don' know! Maybe killed somebody! Maybe stole that big dude o' his! Maybe both.
[Aborigine speaks in Aborigine]
Charlie: No, mate, we just hold them.
Sue: What did he say?
Charlie: [winking] He wants to know if we're allowed to eat these men.
Charlie: If Mick want his clothes back, he can climb down there and get it his bloody self.
Charlie: Mick's bloody lucky you can't shoot straight, Wal.
Charlie: Chefs do that.
Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
Charlie: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.
Charlie: Life is pain. Get used to it.
Charlie: ...It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.
Charlie: Oh honey, only four inches?
Timothy: You'll feel me.
Charlie: Die screaming motherfucker.
Charlie: Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo.
Alley Agent: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye pal.
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.
Mitch: I'm goin' in.
Charlie: You can't there's too many of them.
Mitch: Well kill them for me, bitch! What else you good for?
Charlie: Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.
Charlie: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?
Mitch Henessey: I took lessons.
Alley Agent: Good evening, pretty lady. How 'bout some company?
Charlie: No thanks. I'm saving myself 'til I get raped.
[Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises Raymond]
Charlie: Good morning, Raymond.
Raymond: Good morning, Miss Caine.
Charlie: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here. Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me... I'll blow your fucking head off.
[Nathan says that Samantha Caine was a fantasy]
Charlie: No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn P.T.A...
Charlie: I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath.
Charlie: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.
Charlie: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.
Mitch Henessey: We jumped out of a building.
Nathan: Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.
Charlie: You're Waldman.
Nathan: No, I'm the Hill Brothers bean buyer. Who else would I be? Hang on. If you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked... to kill him later. It works for me. Your call.
Mitch Henessey: Question. You keep saying "I this", "I that". Like well
Mitch Henessey: it's like you don't need me anymore.
Charlie: [looks at Mitch] Good point.
[opens passenger side door]
Mitch Henessey: Hey, hey
[Charlie kicks him out of the car]
Mitch Henessey: HEY!
[Mitch rolls a couple times and ends up on the sidewalk]
Rig: [a slow violin song plays on the radio] Charlie, this shit is depressing the shit out of me. It's making me sad.
Charlie: What? Oh come on, man, this shit is the shit. This is the shit. It's supposed to make you sad.
Rig: It's grim.
Charlie: Oh come on, man, this is THE SHIT. This shit IS the shit. This is the hellified LOVE music.
Rig: I'm in bad shape over here.
Charlie: You know, maybe I could you in to a nice AM station, get you some Donny Osmond. Ha ha ha.
English Driver: Here, you blokes want a lift somewhere?
Charlie: Where you from?
English Driver: London.
Charlie: Me too!
English Driver: Really?
English Driver: That's terrific! Hop in me car, let's go then. C'mon, jump in, let's go. Oh this is great.
Charlie: Hey would ya scoot over a smidgeon?
[Shoves the English Driver out of the car and drives off]
Charlie: Sorry 'bout that! Cheers, mate! Ha ha ha ha!
Rig: Put down that gun, you idiot.
Nick Beam: Will you shut up? I'm shot here.
Rig: You shut the fuck up. Who the hell do you think you are?
Nick Beam: You shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Charlie: YOU shut the fuck up!
[They begin arguing]
T. Paul: Hey! Hey!
Charlie: Pu that fucking gun down before you take a fucking toe hit!
Nick Beam: Shut the fuck up.
[They begin arguing even further]
T. Paul: Hey! Hey! HEY! Everybody shut the fuck up! Every... Body shut the fuck up!
T. Paul: Especially you, shut the fuck up. You like girl scout cookies? Come here, come here, you want a cookie? Here's a cookie.
[Does a pivitol gesture towards him]
T. Paul: Now back the fuck up like I done told you two dumbass mother...
[Lunges forward and blows out the tires on Charlie and Rig's car]
T. Paul: Get in the car, Nick. Look at you now. Bye, cowboys! Ha ha ha.
Rig: Hey Charlie, smell this.
[Holds out a wad of bills]
Charlie: [sniffs] Oh yes, you too can be a millionaire.
Charlie: came as soon as we could
John: hey, we heard over the scanners. WOO, what a mess. Look, if there's anything we could do to help
Charlie: all you gotta do is ask
Donald Patterson: What are you two bags of shit doing here? You aren't cops no more
John: look man, we here trying to help
Donald Patterson: Hey, sweet pie. How's your cock working now that you ain't got a badge no more?
Donald Patterson: Here's what I think of *you fuck-up*
[spits in John's face]
John: you spit in my face!
[John tries to punch Patterson in the face, but Charlie stopped him]
Charlie: Hey, you aren't going to hit him
John: Why not?
Charlie: Cause, I'm gonna hit him
[Charlie tries to punch Patterson in the face, but John stopped him]
John: NO NO NO, your not going to hit him
John, Charlie: WE BOTH HIT HIM
[John and Charlie punch Patterson in the face that sent him flying 25ft across the station platform]
John: No, you ain't gonna hit him.
Charlie: Why not?
John: Because I'm gonna hit him!
[smacks a transit cop in the face]
Grace Santiago: [staggers towards platform women; pretending to be drunk] Hey! Hey! That's my man! Get your hands off my man! Are you bitches crazy?
[pulls her sleeves and clenches her fists as she runs towards them]
Grace Santiago: You wanna get hurt, that's what it is!
Woman on Platform: We're sorry, we didn't know it was your man!
Woman on Platform: We're sorry, Merry Christmas to you!
[they get behind the turnstiles]
Grace Santiago: [tries to attack them] Get the hell outta here! Yeah, you better run!
Woman on Platform: [to her friend as they leave the station] It's your fault! You started it!
Woman on Platform: Me? I didn't start anything!
Grace Santiago: [to John] I turn my back for one minute and you're doggin' me?
John: They were huuge!!
Charlie: [back at the booth] Oh, she's beautiful.
Grace Santiago: [positioning John on the poles] Now, you wait right there, all right. You wait right there, and don't you let me see you talkin' to -
[John blows his nose with his hand]
Grace Santiago: You nasty.
[gives a male passerby a dirty look]
Grace Santiago: What you lookin' at? I could kick your ass, too. Shit.
Donald Patterson: Did I say that? I didn't say that! All I said was... bad things tend to happen around you two. Some money got lost and I think you two can help me find it.
Charlie: How so?
Donald Patterson: You look for it!
Charlie: Billy, they were the biggest things I ever saw and they had tattoos on them. You know, I may be in love. I might just go right back in there and ask her out on a date. (Biker flies out of the bar through the door) Mayday! billy, send backup! all units report to the old blues bar, over!
Charlie: I knew you'd say that! I knew you would! Well, I was hoping you would.
Diane: When are you going to outgrow him, Charlie?
Charlie: Outgrow him? I dunno Diane, Maybe WASP's outgrow people. I'm Italian. We outgrow pants, not people.
Barney: He's not gonna give you up, Charlie. You're family.
Charlie: Family, that fuckin' kid? We're third cousins.
Barney: Third cousins. For Italians. That's like twin brothers with the Irish.
Charlie: Mister. I am the Pope, this might be your church, right now I'm the Pope of Greenwich Village 'cause I got the tape alright?
Bedbug Eddie: I like you have balls. I don't get too mad at that.
Paulie: [Making himself a very large sandwich at an outdoor table]
Charlie: You know, you ought to get a permit.
Paulie: A permit? For what?
Charlie: To shit in the street. You eat like a horse!
Charlie: I didn't do anything, Paulie. I didn't hit her. I didn't do nothin'.
Paulie: You can't do that man. I mean you don't abuse 'em once in a while they'll shit all over you. I don't mean you walk around morning to night whackin' 'em upside the head like someone from the other side but you terrorize 'em once in a while just to keep 'em in line. Know what I mean?
Ronnie: The old man's upstairs, z'got a bug up his ass *this big*.
Charlie: Hey, so what else is new.
Ronnie: It's no bullshit Charlie. He's checkin' the dupes.
Charlie: He's checkin' the waiter's dupes tonight?
Ronnie: Party's over for a while. And this broad you're startin' up with? That's Johnny Mac's private stock.
Charlie: Honest work. Let me tell ya somethin' about 'honest work'. When somebody says they got 'honest work', you know what they got? They got a shit job, that's what they got.
Diane: Charlie? Charlie!
Charlie: What? What do you want? Huh, What? Say it. What. What? What do you want! SPEAK! What do you want!
Diane: I'm pregnant.
Charlie: Come over here. Come over here. Get over here! Come over here! Come here! Come over here right now! No wait... wait... don't come over here. don't come over here. Don't come over here.
Charlie: You didn't tip the guy.
Charlie: Fuck him! Who am I, Santa Calus?
Charlie: What's so bad about second?
Stroker Ace, Lugs Harvey: Screw Second!
Nurse: [on the phone] Well somebody's pullin' your leg deary. No one dies on this floor unless they check in with me first. You can bet your liver I'll look into it!
Nurse: Butch! Charlie! Let's go.
Butch: What the hell she up to now?
Charlie: Eh, she's gonna labotomize some poor sucker.
Butch: Who knows, in this loony bin anything can happen
Charlie: I want to form a squad of the finest fighters in the city.
Ming: This is agreeable to me.
Charlie: I'll get you, you little bastard. I promise you, I'll get you if it's the last thing I ever do.
Anchor: You're right, cop. You're right, I *am* a rotten bastard. I admit it. But I tell ya something. Even though I got a lot of hate inside, I got some friends who ain't got hate inside. They're filled with nothing but love. Their only crime is growing their hair long, smoking a little grass and getting high, looking at the stars at night, writing poetry in the sand. And what do you do? You bust down their doors, man. Dumb-ass cop. You bust down their doors and you bust down their heads. You put 'em behind bars. And you know something funny? They forgive you.
[shoots Charlie, Nora and Lew]
Anchor: I don't.
Charlie: Nice Throw
Sergei: Nice Catch
Charlie: [voiceover] There are two ways to earn a quick buck. A shortcut, and a shorter shortcut.
Charlie: [thinking to himself] Don't forget. The path you choose doesn't screw your life. What screws you is the one you leave behind.
Charlie: Can I have your fell number?
Bhope Bhau: [to others] What's he saying?
Bhope Bhau: [to Charlie] WHICH number?
Charlie: Fell. Mobile.
Bhope Bhau: [laughs] Do... do... do you lisp?
Charlie: Not really. I pronounce S as F.
Bhope Bhau: [misinterpreting] If not as F, will you pronounce it as L? What about your brother? Does he lisp as well?
Charlie: He stammers
Bhope Bhau: [laughing] One lisps and the other stammers!
Charlie: [voiceover] We are identical twins, but we are poles apart. He lags behind, whereas I zoom ahead. He stammers, and I pronounce 'S' as 'F'. On his deathbed, my father said, "Charlie, always remember - life is a bitch, and the only way to deal with life is to be scoundrels."
Charlie: Guddu doesn't know how much of fuckers you bastards really are.
Charlie: [over cell phone] Done digging my grave?
Tashi: Reporting from inside the coffin.
Charlie: Have you ever met him?
Bhope Bhau: No.
Charlie: Good for you. You've been lucky. He brings misfortune. There could be no worse omen than to see his shitty face. You mentioned him and my cell phone conked out.
Charlie: One diamond adorns her finger, while she is a gem herself.
Bhope Bhau: Listen, I understand your love for each other - I got a vibe in the train - but if my sister marries a migrant, I'll be crucified. My grave will be dug. Not only will I lose my reputation, but my election fund as well. The builder is paying me to get his son and Sweety married. Five crores! Can you imagine how much that is?
Lele: [heard in flashback] Hey.
Burgess: [heard in flashback] There is powder worth ten crores in the guitar.
Bhope Bhau: One million dollars.
Charlie: [heard in flashback] I'll shoot her! I'll shoot her!
Bhope Bhau: How much? Five whopping crores!
Guddu: If I give you ten, will you sell her to me?
Mikhail: [singing] Spiderman, Spiderman! Spiderman, Spiderman.
Charlie: You'll die soon.
Mikhail: Yes, right. As if YOU'LL live forever. How about I slit your throat?
Bhope Bhau: Please come in, Mr. Sharma.
Bhope Bhau: We barged in unannounced. We waited outside for awhile but we were hungry, so we came in hoping to find something to eat. Nothing beats fresh burgers on a rainy day.
Guddu: I need a loan.
Charlie: Did the sun rise from the west today?
Jenny: Okay, okay. We'll pretend to be the other kids now. Hi Dory!
Charlie: Ahoy there! Do you want to play Hide-and-Seek?
Young Dory: Okay. I love-okay.
Charlie: We'll hide and you count and come find us.
Young Dory: Okay, Daddy.
Charlie: No, no. Not Daddy. I'm the nice fish who wants to be your friend, okay?
Young Dory: Okay, Daddy.
Charlie: [Repeated line] Twenty-three nineteen! We have a Twenty-three nineteen!
Charlie: [Trying to reassure George, who is in crutches after too many encounters with the CDA] Now, George, I know you can do this. I picked out an easy door for you, in Nepal. Nice, quiet Nepal.
George Sanderson: You know, you're right. Here, Take this.
[Give Charlie his crutches]
Charlie: Go get 'em, Georgie.
[as George walks to the door, Sulley bursts through, knocks George over]
Sulley: Gangway! Look out! Coming through! Sorry, George.
Charlie: Hey, you can't just...
[Sees a sock on George]
Charlie: Twenty-three nine...!
[George grabs Charlie, stuffs the sock in his mouth and tosses him into the door, then walks away humming happily]
Charlie: [offering native jewelry] Skipper, look what I find.
Captain Englehorn: A native bracelet!
Charlie: Crazy black man been here.
Charlie: [after finding a native bracelet on the deck of the ship] All hand on deck! Everybody on deck! Everybody on deck! All hand on deck! Everybody on deck! Everybody on deck!
Allie Fox: Nature is crooked. I wanted right angles, straight lines. You cut yourself opening a can of tuna and you die. We still going up-river mother?
Mother Fox: Yes darling.
Charlie: [narration] Once I had believed in father, and the world had seemed small, and old. Now he was gone, and I wasn't afraid to love him any more. And the world seemed limitless.
Charlie: My father was an inventor, a genius with anything mechanical. Nine patents, six pending. He dropped out of Harvard, "to get an education", he said. I grew up with the belief that the world belonged to him, and that everything he said was true.
Allie Fox: Look around ya, how did America get this way? Land of promise, land of opportunity. Give us the wretched refuse of your teeming shores. Have a Coke. Watch TV.
Charlie: Have a nice day.
Allie Fox: Go on welfare. Get free money. Turn to crime - crime pays in this country.
Allie Fox: Why do they put up with it? Why do they keep coming? Look around you Charlie, this place is a toilet.
Charlie: My father often talked of things being revealed - that was true invention, he said. Revealing something's use, and magnifying it; discovering its imperfections, improving it, and putting it to work for you. God had left the world incomplete, he said, and it was man's job to understand how it worked, to tinker with it, and to finish it. I think that was why he hated missionaries so much - because they taught people to put up with their earthly burdens. For father, there were no burdens that couldn't be fitted with a set of wheels, or rudders, or a system of pulleys.
Charlie: Once I had believed in father and the world had seemed small and old. Now he was gone and I wasn't afraid to love him anymore. And the world seemed limitless.
Allie Fox: Look at this place, these are poor people. Look at what they own. Look at what they eat, they don't have meat, but they have asparagus that they cut.
Jerry Fox: I don't think we should be here.
Allie Fox: They welcome visitors, son. It's an old custom of theirs from the jungle. Be kind to strangers they say, you never know when you might be one yourself. That's the law of the jungle.
Charlie: But this isn't the jungle dad.
Allie Fox: No? No, because no jungle is as murderous as this is. They traded green trees for this room. It's pathetic. And it makes me mad, because they're going to end up being part of the problem.
Allie Fox: It would take courage to go there.
Charlie: Go where?
Allie Fox: The jungle. Not ordinary gumption, but 4 o'clock in the morning courage.
[glancing toward his boys]
Allie Fox: And who's got that?
Charlie: Father was fond of saying that, in the end Robinson Crusoe went back home, but we were staying.
Charlie: They fly! They freakin' fly!
Charlie: We can't do that!
Rose: How do you know? You never tried it.
Charlie: Well, yeah, but I never tried shooting myself in the head neither.
Charlie: All this fool talk about The Louisa. Goin' down the river...
Rose: What do you mean?
Charlie: I mean we ain't goin' to do nothin' of the sort.
Rose: Why, of course we're going! What an absurd idea!
Charlie: What an absurd idea! What an absurd idea! Lady, I may be a born fool, but you got ten absurd ideas to my one, an' don't you forget it!
Charlie: It's a great thing to have a lady aboard with clean habits. It sets the man a good example. A man alone, he gets to living like a hog.
Charlie: Can you tell me the quickest way to Hell?
The Hitchhiker: Sex, drugs, rock'n roll!
[Making out in a car]
Rachel: Charlie... Charlie, not in a Ford Pinto.
Charlie: Just close your eyes and picture a Porsche.
Beezle: Hey, Charlie, suppose I made you quarterback of the Rams? Would you give me Rachel and Adam?
Charlie: You know, if you'd said the Niners, I might have said yes. But you didn't. So go to Hell.
Charlie: Nice landing, Jake, that's a stiff cross wind.
Jake Barnes: Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Charlie: I bet you didn't say that when you were flying 747s for a living...
Jake Barnes: Yeah, I could say anything I wanted, as long as I didn't spill any drinks in first class.
Charlie: It's hard to explain, Itch. This place is supposed to have everything but it doesn't. It's too... it's too...
Charlie: it's too heavenly here/It's too graceful and paradise-like/Much too narrow and much too nice like/Endlessly sunny and clear/It's too heavenly here/It's too blissfull to bear/Calm and quiet and much too mellow/
[Knocks over a tray of halos which all go around Itchy]
Charlie: /All my brain cells have turned to jello/Every day feels like a year/
[Someone pushes the halos off Itchy and drops both of them]
Charlie: It's too heavenly here.
[Grabs a harp on the way down]
Charlie: I need some action/I need some juice/
[Fires Itchy with the harp like a bow and arrow]
Charlie: A crazy kind of feeling of playing fast and loose/Some razzle dazzle and a little stress and strife/I gotta get some life in my life/But it's too heavenly here/There's no way you can be a sinner/Roll the dice/Everyone's a winner/It's so legit and sincere/It's too heavenly here/What good's a hustler/Without scam/I'm wasted talent/That's all that I am/This operator/Is at the wrong adress/Cause there's nothing to finagle/And no one to fineeeeeeeese
Angel Choir: [while bathing them] It's so heavenly here/Pure and perfect/Sublime and shining/Every cloud has a silver lining/Everyone's full of good cheer/It's so heavenly here.
Charlie: [singing again] They're all so saintly, I just can't relate/There's gotta be an exit/Through that pearly gate/
[Throws his halo just missing Itchy]
Charlie: Behold the canine who's been cut down in his prime/
[the halo comes back over his head]
Charlie: I may have done the crime/ But I can't do the time/Cause it's too heavenly here/All Hallelujas and Hosannas/It can drive anyone bananas/I'm going out of my head/This joint is deader than dead/I'll give you eight to three/It's too heavenly...
Angel Choir: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Charlie: To heaaaaaveeeeenly heeeeeeeere.
Sasha: He's only 8 years old!
Charlie: That's 56 in dog years.
Sasha: Fine! Don't listen to me. Listen to your guardian angel.
Charlie: David, Cannery Square sounds like a great plan to me.
Charlie: Why don't you ask him yourself?
Sasha: Now that would be a miracle.
Charlie: One miracle coming up.
[disappears by taking off the collar and reappears in front of Sasha and kisses her, his miracle goes into her]
Sasha: Ugh! Of all the arrogant, presumptuous, egotistical mutts I've ever met!
David: Ahh! Now you talk.
[Sasha puts her paw over her mouth]
David: You must be an angel.
Charlie: By the way, Carface, what did you trade Red for your collar?
Carface: He wanted the bottom of my shoes, or something. Hehehe. I don't even wear shoes. Ah, stupid cat.
Red: [from the hole which he went back to Hell through] Stupid dog! It was your soul!
[Demons rise up from the hole and pull Carface into the hole as the others look down]
Carface: Let me go! Red! This is not good! Red, no! Not the flames!
Itchy: What do you know? And I thought all dogs go to Heaven.
Itchy: [Just arrived in heaven] I can't believe it! I...
Itchy: I'm not itchy.
Charlie: That's funny. You look like him.
Itchy: [laughing] No, I mean for the first time in my life, I don't have to scratch!
Charlie: Of course not, Itch. This is heaven. Fleas go to the other place.
Charlie: Hi, I'm Charlie. And, you are?
Sasha: Not remotely interested.
Charlie: [singing] Everybody's a winner. It's so legit and sincere. It's too heavenly here.
Charlie: Is there a Mr. Sasha?
Sasha: No. And I'm not taking applications.
Charlie: [after the root beer falls through his mouth] What?
Itchy: [sees that his and Charlie's reflections are not there] Charlie, look! We ain't - oh! We're ghosts!
Charlie: Annabelle! OF ALL THE ROTTEN TRICKS!
Charlie: [after arriving to Earth from Heaven] Hey-lo! Double chili cheeseburger with onions and pickles!
Charlie: We're talking the mean streets of Frisco here, Ace, not Mount Happy-Go-Lucky.
Charlie: So, is there a Mr. Sasha?
Sasha: Nope and I'm not taking applications.
Charlie: Okay. Okay but, if you were; what uh... what qualities would you be looking for?
Sasha: Oh, I don't know.
Charlie: Ah, of course you do.
Sasha: Hmmm. Well... loyalty, strength, breeding...
Charlie: I'd be good at that.
Sasha: ...humility... compassion
[Charlie accidently hits his head]
Sasha: and of course, style.
Charlie: Come on Red, you can trust me.
Red: This isn't about trust, a deal with me is binding.
Charlie: I was a pretty good thief in my time.
Father Matthew Doonan: I believe that.
Charlie: It's too late. Can't you get out now?
Father Matthew Doonan: It's never too late to change.
Charlie: My mother, that's what she used to say, "It's never too late."
Father Matthew Doonan: She was right.
Charlie: She kept after me - kept tellin' me - there was another thief once dyin' on the cross right next to Christ.
Father Matthew Doonan: The Good Thief.
Charlie: That's what she called him.
Father Matthew Doonan: He didn't chicken out. He just got smart and at the very last moment, he stole Heaven.
Charlie: That's pretty good stealin', huh?
Father Joseph Perreau: God go with you.
Harry: God? Who is he?
Charlie: I've never heard of him.
Harry Steele: Where did Morgan say he'd meet me?
Charlie: The old grotto. Better stay away from that crud.
Harry Steele: I like being around Morgan. Makes me feel honest.
Harry Steele: Any private planes due in?
Charlie: No. You always ask if any private planes is due in and the answer is always no.
Harry Steele: Well, someday the answer will be yes.
Charlie: Then what? Supposing a private plane does come in?
Harry Steele: Just between you and me, I'll steal it.
Anne-Marie: Charlie, will I ever see you again?
Charlie: Sure you will, kid. You know goodbyes aren't forever.
Anne-Marie: Then goodbye, Charlie. I love you.
Charlie: Yep... I love you too.
Anne-Marie: Charlie, will you help me find a mom and dad?
Charlie: Kid, I'll help you find the lost city of Atlantis! Just please, please go to sleep!
Charlie: Hey guys, waddua ya know, waddua ya say?
Itchy Itchiford: Yeah, waddua ya say, waddua ya know?
Charlie: Hey! I know we're all dead up here, but so's the music. How about heating it up?
Vera: Honey, you know it!
[Upbeat gospel music plays]
Charlie: That's nice. That's nice.
Flo: She's burning up a fever, Charlie. She could have pneumonia!
Charlie: Think she needs a vet?
Flo: Charlie, she's a little girl. She needs a doctor.
Charlie: Doctor? I don't know any doctors... I'll find one!
Charlie: Hey, wait. That looks like a water main.
Itchy Itchiford: Naw, water mains are green. This is red!
Charlie: Itchy, you're color blind. You've always been color blind.
Itchy Itchiford: That's true, but this is green.
Charlie: Its red.
Itchy Itchiford: Red?
[drills into pipe; outside, water bursts out of the ground, and the tunnel floods]
Whippet Angel: [singing] Welcome to being dead.
Charlie: [horrified] What? You mean I'm... I'm...
Whippet Angel: [flipping through a record book of Charlie's life] Stone cold I'm afraid.
Charlie: I can't believe it, I've been murdered!
Whippet Angel: I'm having trouble finding any goodness or loyalty here, but let me see.
Charlie: He killed me!
Whippet Angel: I beg your pardon?
Charlie: There's a mistake been made here!
Charlie: I don't wanna die/You got the wrong guy/I was double crossed by a dirty rat, actually this rat was a dog but his car ran me down/I just blew out of jail, I just got back to town/Hey! This is hard to explain/May I speak to your Superior because I don't wanna die!
Whippet Angel: [singing] Welcome to doing whatever you wish...
Charlie: [interrupting] You got the wrong guy.
Whippet Angel: [singing] Laughing and singing all day.
Charlie: Hey! Listen! My time's not up yet!
Whippet Angel: Oh but it is, there's no mistake about that, we know everything.
Charlie: Murdered in the prime of my life! That Carface, I'll kill him!
Itchy Itchiford: In him there's the luck of the Irish.
Charlie: The pride of the German.
Itchy Itchiford: Even, he-he, a bit of Siam.
Charlie: Siam? There's the calm of the English.
Itchy Itchiford: The charm of the Spanish.
Charlie: A pedigree certainly ain't what I am. So call me a mixed-up pup.
Itchy Itchiford: You're a mixed-up pup.
Charlie: But the only way this pup knows is up!
Carface: Argh! I'll get that gator, if it's the last thing I do!
Whippet Angel: Touch that clock, and you can never come back.
Carface: Shut up.
Whippet Angel: [shouts and chases him] I said, touch that clock, and you can never come back!
Charlie: He'll be back.
Charlie: [after Itchy tells him to get ride of Anne-Marie] Aw, Itch, now the casino's gone. We've got to start all over; we need the girl more than ever.
Itchy Itchiford: No, boss, you're crazy! It's not business anymore, it's personal!
Charlie: Aw, come on, Itchy. Surely it's just business, I mean...
Itchy Itchiford: You're in love with the girl! You've got soft, you care about her!
Charlie: [furiously annoyed] Look, I don't care about the girl! I tell her things now and then! I pretend to be her best friend, but it's baloney!
Itchy Itchiford: I thought I was your best friend...
Charlie: [yells] YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! With her, it's just business - it's always been business! I'm USING the girl! And when we're done with her, we'll dump her in an orphanage! Is that okay with you!
Itchy Itchiford: [chastened] Sure, boss, anything you say.
[sees Anne-Marie, who overheard everything]
Itchy Itchiford: Uh-oh...
Anne-Marie: [crying, goes hurt] You're not my friend... You're a bad dog!
Charlie: Itchy, what happened to you?
Itchy Itchiford: You want to know what happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me. Carface happened to me, with about 50 of his thugs. Oh!
Charlie: Itch, I'm sorry.
Itchy Itchiford: Well, look what else happened while you were sidetracked. See that?
[see a building on fire]
Itchy Itchiford: That's *our* place! You were going to fix Carface well, well he fixed us! You see boss, this whole thing's gone too far.
Charlie: [Anne Marie tells them the horse Chawhee is going to win, but it's a surprise] Can we trust this horse?
[horse brays at him violently]
Charlie: Alright! The Grand Cha-hee, Che-haw, Chaw-hee-hee-hoo-ha, by surprise!
Charlie: These are some of the poorest people I know. They're more broke than the Ten Commandments.
Charlie: That was a little joke. Very little.
Charlie: What a selfish, hopeless, callous heel of a cad I've been. Blind to the needs of society's lowly unloved.
[Charlie has escaped the pound]
Gambler Dog: Charlie? Ain't you supposed to be on death row?
Charlie: [angrily] No. I AIN'T supposed to be on death row.
Itchy Itchiford: Yah! Someone's got me by the tail!
Charlie: I got you by the tail!
Itchy Itchiford: Why don't you tell somebody you're gonna do that?
Charlie: You know, it's not worth it being with you. It's not.
Itchy Itchiford: Your hands are cold, too.
Charlie: All we need now is a couple of bucks.
Itchy Itchiford: A couple of bucks, a couple of bucks!
Anne-Marie: A couple, a couple. Mmm, yeah! A mom and dad.
Charlie: Yeah, sure.
Charlie: [singing] I love Brazil / The throb, the thrill / I've never been there / But someday I will / Adventure and danger / Love from a stranger / Let me be surprised.
King Gator: What do you call that voice, little fella? Is that a baritone or a tenor?
Charlie: It's a...
King Gator: Oh, I don't care. It's just you and me.
King Gator: Let's make music together / Let's make sweet harmony...
Itchy Itchiford: Charlie, let me think about this...
Charlie: No! Don't think! From now on, I'll do the thinking!
Charlie: [Itchy's dropping ice cream on him] Hey cut it out, would you? What do you see up there?
Itchy Itchiford: Mostly the backs of the buttons, but other than that...
Itchy Itchiford: I can't help it, Charlie, I always itch when I'm nervous.
Charlie: Well don't be nervous!
Itchy Itchiford: Just scratch this!
Charlie: That Carface has something up his sleeve.
Itchy Itchiford: Yeah, a gun!
Charlie: And when I find out what it is, I'm going to ruin him.
Itchy Itchiford: Boss, Carface has got thugs, and they've got muscles, and knives, and he's got a monster.
Itchy Itchiford: Boss, they feed it!
Itchy Itchiford: Yes that's what I said, monster!
Charlie: [about the group of mouse-like natives] What they saying? Tell 'em to gimme back my watch!
Anne-Marie: I can't, Charlie. They talk funny.
Charlie: I don't care!
Vera: Things have changed, Charlie, since you've been gone... Life hasn't been no piece of cake.
Chihuahua Gambler: Carface ain't been treating us too good.
Vera: Things are tough, but we carry on...
Gambler Dog: [Charlie wins a game of craps] Could you spare a couple of bones, for old time's sake?
Charlie: Why settle for a couple of bones when you could have the whole bank?
[puts the craps bones in a slot machine and breaks the bank]
Itchy Itchiford: Ya won the jackpot! Charlie, I'm proud of ya.
Charlie: You must have taken dance lessons. You have natural rhythm, unusual in a whippet.
Hunter Patch Adams: Now you have the ability to keep me from graduating. You can keep me from getting the title and the white coat. But you can't control my spirit, gentlemen. You can't keep me from learning, you can't keep me from studying. So you have a choice: you can have me as a professional colleague, passionate, or you can have me as an outspoken outsider, still adament. Either way I'll probably still be viewed as a thorn. But I promise you one thing: I am a thorn that will not go away
Charlie: Is that all?
Hunter Patch Adams: I hope not, sir.
Charlie: So, what are you in here for?
Vincent: Kind of a tacky question, isn't it? I stabbed a woman 87 times.
Charlie: What did you do that for?
Vincent: I don't know.
Dr. Simon: So, you're hearing voices? Who's voices are you hearing and what are they telling you to do?
Charlie: Well, first God told me to burn down my school. Then Satan told me not to. You see, they're all his schools. Satan has control over the educational system.
Alex Denovitz: What about Tony?
[Cut back and forth between Doug's office and a younger Tony in Charlie's brothel]
Alex Denovitz: You know, Bullet Tooth Tony.
Avi: Who's Bullet Tooth...?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You silly fuck.
Doug the Head: He's a liability.
Alex Denovitz: He'll find you Moses and the burning bush, if you pay him to.
Charlie: [draws a gun] You are gonna die, Tony!
Alex Denovitz: He got shot six times, had the bullets molded into gold.
[Charlie shoots Tony twice in the chest]
Charlie: I shoot you, you go down!
Susi Denovitz: He's got two in his teeth that Dad did for him. So he loves Dad.
[Charlie shoots Tony three more times]
Charlie: Why don't you fucking die!
Susi Denovitz: He's the best chance you got of finding Franky.
Avi: Six times?
[Charlie shoots Tony in the mouth]
Doug the Head: In one sitting.
[Tony, blood dripping from his mouth, draws a saber]
Bullet Tooth Tony: You're in trouble now!
[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.
Charlie: [as their handcart begins to sink] Bart?
Charlie: Am I wrong? Or is the world... rising?
Bart: I don't know. But whatever it is, I hate it.
[men slowly sink down offscreen]
Bart: Hey, Charlie? Let me ask you something: what is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?
Charlie, Bart: Quicksand!
Travis Proffitt: Are you sure this is gonna work?
Charlie: My ideas ALWAYS work. I'm gifted.
Travis Proffitt: I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
John Malkovich: Ma-Sheen!
John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!
Charlie: Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
Charlie: Lookin' great, Flo.
Floris: "Lookin' grateful"?
Charlie: Should've brought that gun along, buddy.
Marty: I don't believe in them.
Charlie: In guns? You don't believe in guns? They ain't fucking leprechauns, you dumb Mick.
Billy: Five... Four... Three... Two...
Charlie: Wait! Please go back to five. Please...
Billy: I'm not going back to five, man. I'm not going back to five. Five...
Charlie: What's with your sour fucking puss? I could've just killed you now, couldn't I? You've had your friend killed, and you're just about to have your other friend killed, but that still only makes two friends killed. I've had four of my guys killed, and also my girlfriend killed, who I didn't like much, but that's still five friends killed. That's three more friends killed than you've had friends killed, so don't give me that moany fucking face, okay?
Billy: Where's your guns?
Charlie: You said don't bring none, so I didn't bring none.
Billy: You didn't bring a gun to the final shoot-out?
Charlie: My Mama had been the sun to me. I basked in her warmth. I remember wanting to wake up in the morning just to see her. But now that sun was on fire, seemed to burn everything in sight. If I got too close, my skin stung. But Mr. Church, he could walk right through her blaze without so much as a singe. He was like the moon. Cool, calm, and always there. So I learned to turn away from the sun, and face the moon.
Charlie: I had no where to go and for the first time, I realized I had no one.
Lester Averman: Aw, I smell something.
Lester Averman, Goldberg, Jesse, Charlie, Adam: Goldberg!
Goldberg: It wasn't me!
Portman: [proudly] No, it was me!
[after the final Iceland vs. USA game]
Wolf Stansson: Gunnar... you lost it for me.
Gunnar Stahl: [in disgust] You lost it for yourself!
[turning to his teammates]
Gunnar Stahl: Let's shake their hands!
[benches clear... Gunnar approaches Charlie]
Gunnar Stahl: Good work, Captain Duck!
Charlie: Thanks, Gunnar!
Jan: I see you met my new apprentice.
Charlie: Jan told me you did this job when you were my age.
Coach Bombay: That's right, and I hope he pays you more than he paid me.
Charlie: You got paid?
Jan: Eat, everybody, before the hasenpfeffer gets cold!
Charlie: Hey, you got a girl in the stands?
Adam: Scouts, man. Lookit 'em.
Charlie: Don't worry about scouts, Adam. Just do your best.
Veronica Grant: [trapped in the elevator] If I ever get of here, I'm gonna start speaking to my mama. I wonder what she's doing right this very minute.
Charlie: If I ever get of here... I'm marrying Oreet. I love her. I should marry her. I don't know what's been stopping me.
Patricia Eden: [rummaging through her purse] If I ever get out of here, I'm having my eyes lasered.
Joe Fox: If I ever get out of here...
Patricia Eden: Where are my Tic-Tacs? Ugh!
Patricia Eden: What?
Charlie: Listen. Listen to me very carefully. I live in London, a gorgeous, vibrant, historic city that I happen to love living in. You live in New York, which is highly overrated... But since the Atlantic Ocean is a bit wide to cross every day, swimming, boating or flying, I suggest we flip for it... And if those terms are unacceptable, leaving London will be a pleasure, as long as you're waiting for me on the other side. 'Cause the truth is, I am Madly, Deeply, Truly, Passionately in Love with You.
Charlie: Because the truth is, Sophie, I am madly, truly, deeply, passionately in love with you.
Sophie: Are you okay?
Charlie: Please tell me no one saw that.
Sophie: Nobody saw it.
Charlie: Good. That's good.
Sophie: Can you move?
Charlie: Only my lips.
Charlie: [trying to convince Claire to leave] It's been a long day.
Claire: All right, darling, have a nice sleep.
Charlie: But that's different.
Claire: Oh, of course it is. Her mother chose to leave her. You always knew your parents loved you.
Charlie: It's over! We're done! We've found Nemo!
Charlie: Patricia is my cousin!
Sophie: How is that legal?
Claire: I think you understand why I'm saying you're a total idiot.
Charlie: Okay, okay, gran. Don't sugarcoat it.
Claire: I won't.
Sophie: [checking to see if he's unhurt] Can you move?
Charlie: Only my lips.
Sophie: That's so romantic.
Charlie: What's so romantic about eating in the dirt?
Charlie: I would have grabbed her from that blasted balcony and been done with it.
Charlie: [running after her] Sophie! Sophie!
[Sophie appears on the balcony]
Charlie: Of course! The balcony!
Claire: [about Sophie] She's coming!
Charlie: [sarcastically] Oh, she's coming? Oh, *splendid!*
Sophie: Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Sophie: Doubt that the sun doth move,
Charlie: Doubt truth to be a liar,
Charlie: But never doubt I love.
Charlie: [as Sophie interrupts yet again] Oh-*here she comes!*
Charlie: I can't believe you're letting him go. I mean, don't you know about New York girls? Besides being incredibly hot, they have no problem with casual sex, which by the way I totally respect.
Emily: What if Charlie's right?
Will Hayes: Charlie's never right. He's functionally retarded.
Mata Bond: You know, if you weren't my dad I think I could fancy you.
Sir James: That's very good of you, my dear. Rather warm in here, don't you think?
Mata Bond: Cool it, Charlie. So you want me to go to Berlin, huh?
Sir James: Now Mata, you remember the old house on the Felmannstrasse?
Mata Bond: Yeah, where Mum had a dancing school.
Sir James: That has now become International Mother's Help. But that's just a cover for its real function. It is... Does he speak English?
Mata Bond: Hey Charlie, you speak English?
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Charlie: Then I'm good.
Charlie: [to a mutated Grant] Now, I don't care what kind of leprosy you got. We need to find that girl. Now, you can make this peaceful, or you can make it hard.
Will Davis: I just need something to keep the lights on until I find my dream job.
Charlie: I don't think you can monetize masturbation.
Tanya: Tell Will he gets the job as soon as passes a drug test.
Charlie: Drug test? Is that a multiple choice?
Will Davis: Charlie got a job today.
Jillian Stewart: McDonald's or Taco Bell?
Charlie: Middle school chemistry teacher.
Jillian Stewart: I weep for our future.
Cam Wexler: Shit! Shit shit SHIT... pardon my French.
Charlie: I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."
Cam Wexler: Why teeth?
Charlie: Same reason as every other dentist. Couldn't get into med school.
Cam Wexler: That's funny!
Charlie: My parents didn't think so.
Cam Wexler: Why do you want to take me out to dinner?
Charlie: You look hungry.
Charlie: Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Charlie: See you in six months for a routine stabbing.
Woman in Car: [pulls out a condom from her bra] Do you want top or bottom?
Charlie: Put that back in your secret boobie place.
Charlie: Megan, I swear I know you from someplace.
Megan Gilles: We went to high school together.
Charlie: Megan... What's your last name?
Megan Gilles: Gilles.
Charlie: Gilles. I knew a Matthew Gilles. God, you do look like him. Is that your brother?
Megan Gilles: Actually that was me before the operation.
Charlie: I don't want to take advantage of you.
Woman in Car: Aww. Look, don't take this so seriously. I'm not. I'm doing this on a lark. And you won't be taking advantage of me. Do you know how many loser boyfriends I have had? Do you know how many times I have given myself, body, mind, soul, hoping this was it, this was the one, only to find out he was just another asshole? Look, if there is even a chance, and I mean a .0001% chance that you're the key, that being with you could open the door to something better, well, I think I'd be taking advantage of you.
Charlie: [after a pause] Do you want to have sex before or after dinner?
Woman in Car: Actually I have dinner plans.
Charlie: My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy. I've never said this to anybody before in my whole life. Cam... I love you. I love you, Cam.
Charlie: [Carol is giving Charlie oral sex on a beach] Oh God. Oh my God, Carol!
Carol: [with her mouth full] I love you!
Carol: I love you!
Charlie: Ohh, that's nice!
Carol: [immediately stops] "That's nice?" I'm licking the sand off your balls and all you can say is "That's nice?"
Charlie: Do you like it when I eat your penguin ass?
Charlie: What's sex without love?
Stu: Sex! It's still sex!
Cam Wexler: [about penguin behavior] When a male is sweet on a female, he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebble to present to her. When he finally finds it, he waddles over and presents the stone by placing it at her feet. If she accepts, they'll be life-long mates.
Charlie: It's kind of like an engagement ring.
Charlie: Stu, Cam. Cam, Stu
Stu: It's actually *Doctor* Stu. I'm a reconstructive surgeon. If anyone has an accident or was born with a deformity, I'm there to help.
Charlie: And by "deformity" he means small breasts.
Stu: He's just jealous because he has to clean plaque all day long while I'm out making the world a better place.
Charlie: [about having meaningless sex with many women] It's not that satisfying.
Stu: I'll tell you not satisfying. Last night I masturbated into a grapefruit. I put it into a microwave and heated it up a little bit, which helped, but... still.
Charlie: It's that word, man. Love. I wanted to say it but I just couldn't. How could I say something if I don't feel it?
Stu: Easy. Lie! What do you think all relationships are based on, man? Lies!
Charlie: I have to set her free. Let nature take it's course. If you love something, set it free, right?
Stu: I think Cam is really going to respond to the new gay you, Chuck.
Charlie: Stu, I've lost the most special person in my life. I have to break this spell.
Stu: You haven't lost me, dude. I'm here for you always.
Charlie: Just drive the fucking car!
Charlie: I'm a doctor.
Stu: He's a heart surgeon. You're a dentist. It's like saying General Patton and Colonel Mustard are both military men.
Dirty Talker: It's really good. Fuck me. Fuck me harder. Oh, yeah. Fuck me! Fuck me!
Charlie: I'm fucking!
Dirty Talker: Fuck me, you cocksucking, cum-guzzling shithead! Split my pussy in two! You motherfucking asshole!
Dirty Talker: Is something wrong?
Holy Lover: Oh, God.
Charlie: Oh, God!
Holy Lover: Oh, God!
Charlie: Oh, God!
Holy Lover: Oh, Jesus Christ, almighty! God, my savior! I shall adore thee now until forever more! Oh! Amen! Would you like to pray with me now?
Charlie: Uh... no.
Charlie: I just don't think the L-word should be thrown around.
Carol: The L-word? What are you, eight? Try the F-word and the U-word.
Charlie: I've got to put the curse to the test. Where is she?
Stu: She's beached over there next to the giant garbage bag full of doughnut holes. Eleanor Skepple. She's angry, rude, and she smells bad. In addition to back acne, she's got front acne and side acne. You see that glass of water there? She keeps her teeth in that glass.
Charlie: So you're saying she's single.
Stu: She's your best bet, man. You sink the soldier all you want. This chick ain't never getting married. If she was the last woman on the face of the earth, humanity would come to a screeching halt.
Charlie: If she wants me to be more like a gentoo, I'm going to be more like a gentoo.
Stu: You lost me.
Charlie: Gentoo. It's a monogamous penguin.
Stu: Who's ridiculed by the other penguins for being a *fag*.
Charlie: Don't you think it's time you told me who you are. I mean, don't get me wrong, doing the Duke thing with you 24/7 is a blast, but really. Who are you?
Leopold: [after a pause, simply] I'm the man that loves your sister.
Charlie: [about the dishwasher] And you push this button. Word to the wise: don't press that till she wakes up, so she sees you doing it.
Leopold: How clever. The proverbial tree in the woods.
Charlie: If a man washes a dish, and no one sees it...
Charlie, Leopold: did it happen?
Charlie: We have a saying in the McKay house: "You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot'll."
[Leopold and Charlie leave the club. Charlie is fuming because Leopold has enthralled Patrice, Charlie's love interest]
Charlie: And I would have gotten her number if you hadn't turned the evening into a guided tour of the Louvre!
Leopold: My apologies.
Charlie: Let's get one thing straight. Patrice, she thought you were cute - probably gay, and cute - and cute, Leo, that's just the kiss of death.
Charlie: Perhaps? Certainly!
Leopold: [produces a napkin] I believe this is her number.
[Charlie takes it from him in disbelief]
Leopold: As I see it, Patrice has not an inkling of your affections, and it's no wonder. You, Charles, are a merry-andrew.
Charlie: A what?
Leopold: Everything plays a farce to you. Women respond to sincerity. No-one wants to be romanced by a buffoon. Now, that number rings her.
Leopold: So ring her tomorrow.
Charlie: I can't. She gave the number to you.
Leopold: Only because I told her of your affections.
Charlie: [taken aback] Wha - what did you say?
Leopold: Merely that you admired her, but you were hesitant to make an overture, as you'd been told she was courting another.
Charlie: Shit... that's good! Well, what did she say?
Leopold: She handed me the napkin.
[Charlie rushes under a lit store window to read the napkin, and starts dialing his cell phone]
Leopold: Charles, it's quite late.
Charlie: No, no, she won't be home yet. I get her machine and leave a message, ball's in her court.
Leopold: You're ladling calculation upon comedy. The point is, to keep the ball in *your* court.
Charlie: [slaps his phone shut] You're right! You're right!
Charlie: You want to vex my sister!
Charlie: Victorian dude, who has never seen a Met's game, watching TV. Scene: "I say, are those little people in that box of phosphors. Crikey, I believe it is. This game is more beguiling than cricket"
Charlie: [Charlie, obviously drunk, is entertaining his friends with stories from acting camp] He started squirting everybody with this turkey baster and screaming "Un-sex me! Un-sex me!"
Dennis: Wasn't Willem Dafoe in that group?
Charlie: Yeah, and he went on to talk about how a lot of secrets are hidden in people's basements...
Leopold: Like the Louvre?
[everybody pauses and looks at Leo]
Leopold: I'm sorry, Charles, you were saying?
Patrice: What about the Louvre?
Monica: Yeah, tell us what you were going to say.
Leopold: Well, not all of the artwork in the Louvre is on the walls. Some is in the basement.
Patrice: You've been in the basement of the Louvre?
Leopold: Why, yes!
Patrice: I was a art history major at Vassar!
Charlie: Marcia, I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth.
Marcia Brady: It's called a French kiss, Charlie.
Charlie: Um, Marcia, I gotta go. Uh something suddenly came up.
Charlie: Hey, I heard what you said, Doug, and I'm not gonna let you talk to Marcia like that.
Doug: Well, what are you gonna do about it, geek?
Charlie: I'm gonna lose consciousness.
Diana: Elvis wouldn't do this, AND I KNEW HIM!
Charlie: You didn't know him! You may have fucked him, but you didn't KNOW HIM!
Stretch: [narrating] If you like stories about chance and coincidence and fate, then here's one you've never heard. Boy meets girl. Girl is the one he's been looking for his entire life.
Charlie: Yes, indeed.
Neil: What about Santa's reindeer? Have you even seen a reindeer fly?
Neil: Well, I haven't.
Charlie: Have you ever seen a million dollars?
Charlie: Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean is doesn't exist.
Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
Scott Calvin: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.
Bernard: I'll ship the list to your house.
Scott Calvin: What list?
Bernard: You know, the list.
Bernard: He's making a list...
Charlie: [singing loudly] Checkin' it twice!
Elves: [chorusing] Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Charlie: Get the bag of toys.
Scott Calvin: And do what?
Charlie: Go down the chimney.
Scott Calvin: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?
Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
Scott Calvin: Hey, Charlie, you know how to call 911?
Charlie: Sure, 9-1-1.
Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?
[to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?
Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.
Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?
Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?
Charlie: Neil's a really good cook.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott Calvin: Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...
Charlie: Lash out irrationally?
Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that?
Charlie: From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin: Yeah! And he charges you for it.
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Charlie: That's okay, Neil. You were just denying your inner child.
Dr. Neil Miller: You're going to make a great psychiatrist someday, kid.
Charlie: Nah. I think that I'm going to go into the family business.
Charlie: These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
Scott Calvin: I hope not. These are... A gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.
Scott Calvin: What is it, Charlie?
Charlie: Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?
Scott Calvin: Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven.
Charlie: And don't forget the fire extinguisher!
Scott Calvin: Good night, Charlie!
Charlie: It's Santa! You killed him!
Scott: Did not! And he's not Santa!
Charlie: Well, he was...
Charlie: Whoa, how did you do that? How did that feel, Dad?
Scott Calvin: It felt like "America's Most Wanted".
Scott Calvin: [the bag lifts him up] Hey, hey, HEY, wait! There is no chimney here, okay? No chimney!
Charlie: Lookin good Dad.
Scott Calvin: [hovers over a thin pipe] You have got to be kidding me.
Scott Calvin: Whoa! This could be a really long night.
Charlie: Do it again Dad, please?
Scott Calvin: [picks up the bag] I can't, the thing's empty.
Scott Calvin: [Comet the reindeer gets angry and growls] There's nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace.
Scott Calvin: [Comet growls] Are you growling at me?
Scott Calvin: [Comet nods his head] Look, Comet, like I said there is nothing left...
Charlie: My dad is Santa Claus.
Charlie: [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared.
Scott Calvin: [looks around] He's naked somewhere.
Scott Calvin: Here we are. Denny's. Always open.
Charlie: I don't wanna eat here.
Scott Calvin: What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution.
Charlie: You said you believe in Santa Claus, right, Dad?
Scott Calvin: I did? I do!
Charlie: [about Neil] I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, then he charges you for it.
Charlie: [to his father, Scott] I'm fine, Dad. Think about those kids! You're Santa! We were up in the North Pole!
Scott Calvin: Charile... I don't know.
Charlie: What do you mean you don't know?
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie... listen...
Charlie: YOU listen! You think you know what he is... You *DON'T*!
Laura: Charlie... You're confused.
Charlie: I know exactly who he is.
Dr. Neil Miller: [firmly] Charlie... He is NOT Santa!
Charlie: [whining; desperate] HE IS TOO SANTA! We went up to the North Pole. I saw it! We met the Head Elf, Bernard. He knew everything!
[turns to Scott]
Charlie: Right, Dad?
Scott Calvin: [Scott looks unsure]
Charlie: [tossing him the snow globe Bernard gave him] REMEMBER!
Scott Calvin: Reindeer up on the roof... Santa suit laying on the ground... Guy fell... not my fault... Reindeer on the roof... THAT is hard to explain...
Charlie: It's the ladder.
[Scott turns and bumps into the ladder]
Scott Calvin: [referring to ladder] Where the hell this come from?
Jake: She did not see my A game!
Charlie: Sounds like she didn't see your B or C game either.
Charlie: I met this woman, this apparition, this goddesse.
Charlie: It's French - for goddess.
Kate: You know what, Charlie? No matter what I might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you'll wind up with tomorrow. The same old me, who wants the home and the family, who wants to plant some roots and see them grow.
Charlie: You want to be a farmer?
Kate: There's just one thing I don't want anymore.
[Charlie nods, points at himself]
Kate: Sorry, Charlie.
Charlie: My whole life is passing before my eyes, and we don't even have children yet.
Charlie: What does he do?
Kate: Besides what we do together? I don't think he does anything at all... huh.
Annie: We really have to go now.
Josh: Give my regards to Mars.
Charlie: Don't be so quick. You're not as smart as you think you are.
Zach: I think "scat" is poop.
Dan: Really, son?
Charlie: You wiped poop on my face?
Dan: Yeah. Scat happens, man.
[reading fine print from one of Dan's prescription bottles]
Charlie: Watch out for sudden loss of depth perception?
Charlie: You crying, man?
Jimmy Lunchbox: [holding back tears] I ain't cryin'!
Charlie: The kids have never seen Friday the 13th, part 1 or 2!
Vicki: Oh, my God!
Dan: He's kidding. He's a kidder. He was scared of The Wizard of Oz. He's kidding. The monkeys got him nuts.
Dan: If I'm gonna be an old dad, you're gonna be Uncle Charlie. We can do this.
Charlie: I gotta go where the cosmic winds blow me. I gotta go... where no man has gone before.
Charlie: The most exciting part of the sex we that we just had was when my penis chafed by your NuvaRing.
Charlie: You said it'd be a disaster, like you.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Worse, probably.
Charlie: But I love you, you fucking disaster.
Charlie: Saint Kitten?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Mm-hm. He or she was an acolyte of St. Patrick. Wore a dress. As did St. Patrick, actually - a hairy dress. Quite ruined her complexion.
Charlie: What would it turn out like, Paddy? You know what I mean, don't you?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: It'd be an absolute disaster. Like me.
Nurse: Now... I want you to read this leaflet. It outlines all aspects of the termiation procedure.
Charlie: Termination? You mean this is an abortion clinic?
Nurse: Yes, of course it is.
Charlie: Oh. I thought it was a fertility clinic.
[gets up and leaves]
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [to the nurse] I think she's changed her mind. Thank you.
Charlie: I just don't understand white folk.
Charlie: Oh... my god, I just hit a kid.
Rufus: He's 19½, remember?
Charlie: I just knocked out a teenager.
Charlie: Oh my god, she just ate shit.
Evie: Is she dead?
Charlie: We gotta hide the body.
Charlie: Seeing isn't believing; believing is seeing.
Rudy: Charlie, I broke my back getting you this deal. You know that...
Charlie: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Rudy: [pressing] You're not going to find another deal like this anywhere in town.
Charlie: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Rudy: [pleading] We shook hands on this... a deal's a deal.
Charlie: Fifty bucks never...
Rudy: [throws up his hands in mock disgust] Okay Charlie, you got it, you win - I'll see what I can do... But I'm telling ya, my boss sees these figures, he's going to have a stroke.
Charlie: [scoffs] What's he trying to pull? Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Charlie: [Luke bursts in, red face and clutching his chest - Charlie panics] Okay, it's a deal, it's a deal! I'll sign! I'll sign!
Charlie: Rory, you know what it's like to have no dad.
Rory Buck: Yeah, I do. It sucks! A snowdad is better than no dad.
Charlie: But Dad...!
Jack: But Dad? Did you just call me Butt Dad? I ought to make you Butt Boy.
Jack: [climbs into a car] Bye Butt Family!
Charlie: You the man!
Jack: NO, I'm the SNOWMAN!
Jack: You brought me back with the magic harmonica!
Charlie: What? I thought you made that up!
Jack: Believe me, so did I!
Charlie: Hold on. This is really weird. I just hugged a snowman!
Charlie: Mac! Mac, wake up! Chester just peed on a live snowman!
Charlie: Snow peas. You should like these.
Charlie: Be careful! Some of the big fish can swallow you whole.
Herb: Swallow my what? You're not helping.
Charlie: There's no such thing as too late. That's why they invented death.
[Herb and Charlie have successfully left the ship in the lifeboat]
Gil Godwyn: [furiously] I hope your boat capsizes and you drown like bloody rats!
Charlie, Herb: Bye!
[Ellen Carruthers walks in at this point]
Gil Godwyn: When that old bag makes me VP, I'll see to it you two never work on a cruise ship again as long as you LIVE!
[turns around, sees Ellen]
Gil Godwyn: [shocked, but tries to save face] Good evening, Ellen.
Liz LaBreche: [Charlie fakes a fall onto the deck to hide from Gil spotting him fraternizing with Liz] Oh, what's the matter? Are you all right?
Charlie: An old football injury.
Liz LaBreche: College?
Charlie: No, professional. The Jets blew a 30-point lead against the Dolphins. I tried to throw my TV set out the window.
Charlie: We're not working. We're dancing and cavorting.
Mavis LaBreche: I saw the way you were looking at my daughter's chest.
Charlie: I used to be a cardiologist.
Charlie: With an ass so beautiful, it's a shame she has to sit down on it.
Charlie: I'm waiting for my sexual prime.
Liz LaBreche: And just when do you think that's gonna happen?
Charlie: [Charlie looks at watch. She laughs]
Gil Godwyn: [Sniffing Charles] Is that cologne, or Armor All?
Charlie: That's close, close. It's cologne, but I bought it at a gas station.
Liz LaBreche: My husband was in the oil business with my dad. If daddy trusted him, I figured I could trust him, too.
Charlie: So, what happened?
Liz LaBreche: Well, as it turned out, there were a lot of test wells he was drillin' on the side.
Charlie: Should've had him neutered.
Liz LaBreche: Oh, I did, ha ha. Except I used an attorney instead of a doctor.
Ellen Carruthers: [Dancing with Charlie, who is extremely awkward] What do you call this step?
Charlie: This is called "the Brazilian Creep."
Ellen Carruthers: Oh?
Charlie: In Brazil, of course, it's just called "the creep".
Charlie: [Seeing Vivian entering the dance area] So... it's the broad that stole our airplane seats.
Herb: [Annoyed] That "broad" happens to have been an editor at Doubleday.
Charlie: Who cares?
Herb: All I was, was a clerk at Gimbel's.
Charlie: And Secretariat was just a horse. Go on, ask her to dance!
Herb: Oh, it's too late, Charlie.
Charlie: There's no such thing as "too late". That's why they invented death!
Charlie: What do I look like, a schmuck?
Mavis: The jury's still out on that one.
Liz LaBreche: Shut up, ma. We're keepin' him.
Fulvio Nesstra: I'm very good at reading what's in a person's eyes.
Charlie: That's nice.
Fulvio Nesstra: I'm reading yours right now.
Charlie: Yeah? What do they say?
Fulvio Nesstra: They say you're sleepy. But I can't figure out is it's too much drugs sleepy, too much work sleepy or I'm so fucking bored sleepy. Maybe you've got that weird fucking sleepy disease. Narco-sleepy. Something sleepy.
Dexter Helvenshaw: So how are you doing?
Charlie: I tell you Dexter, not too good. In fact I'm on my way to the top floor now just to throw myself off.
Dave Juniper: I can't tell you how revved I am to be working with you. You're one of my heroes.
Charlie: Who are your other heroes?
Dave Juniper: Keith Richards.
Charlie: I'm glad to see she's keeping up the village tradition of total contempt for the law.
Kelly: [holding the ring] Where did you find this?
Jason: It's a... long story.
Charlie: No it's not. A stripper peed it into a toilet.
Jason: Ah, cinnamon sticks!
Charlie: Ah, Chinese checkers!
Duncan: Fuck! Yeah, that's right. I've been saying "fuck". Going in the backyard and trying it out.
Charlie: [referring to a potential human sacrifice] Is she really a virgin? Because I've never seen one before.
Charlie: Good riddence. She's out of here. Now we can do what ever we want: run around in our underwear, make funny phone calls.
Jesse: Shut up Charlie! Can't you shut your mouth just once?
Charlie: [laughs at Jessie] I think she likes you.
Jesse: Come on, Charlie.
Charlie: No, really.
[Turns to Virgin]
Charlie: Who do you like better: me or him? Me: Charlie, crazy, yet fun, huh, or him.
[Jessie throws a food at Charlie's face]
Charlie: I rest my case.
[Virin throws something at Charlie]
John: Who's your friend? Bozo the Clown?
Charlie: Bozo the Death Machine.
Hockey Coach: [to his ice-hockey team] Can someone tell me what's going on here? Am I in the wrong place, or are these the auditions for the Ice Capades? In the locker room, in the classroom, you guys may be buddies. Out here, all I want to see is hate!
Charlie: [to one of this teammates, about that coach] The city pays this man to shape young minds?
Charlie: How old are you dad?
Marshall: Younger than I used to be, kid.
Charlie: "For Charlie, love Malice, party 'till you puke."
Charlie: [relaying a message to Marshall, who in turn is in a meeting] ... and we've been offered very favorable interest rates from Hong Kong.
Marshall: [apparently having misheard what Charlie said] We've been offered very favorable interest rates from King Kong.
Charlie: *Hong* Kong!
Marshall: I mean *Hong* Kong.
Charlie: Guess you got a promotion, huh?
Counselor Tetra: Things change Charlie... Things change.
Charlie: Well, uh, that means everybody I know is.
Bernie: They're dead. They're toast. They're history.
Charlie: That's not normal.
Al Bert: No shit, Sherlock.
Charlie: No, I mean they don't usually turn from a fight. Or a meal.
Ethan: Just what did you do to him?
Charlie: Me? Nothing. That was the Critters. Look, I'm a bounty hunter, and I got job to do.
Charlie: You an alien?
Ethan: No, do I look like one?
Ethan: What do these things look like?
Charlie: What do they look like?
Charlie: You ever see a piranha?
Ethan: It's a fish, right?
Charlie: That's right. They look nothing like a piranha. But they're hungry like a piranha.
Charlie: [Charlie finds the last Critter eggs] Alright you gum-balls.
Charlie: [Charlie puts on some cool sunglasses] Captain Charles McFadden.
[as Charlie attempts to make out with her]
Julie: Not here. Not now.
Charlie: Where? When?
Julie: Upstairs. Ten seconds.
Charlie: Julie, you're not responding to my maleness.
Charlie: Maybe happiness is not a sustainable condition.
Will Henry: Everything is going to be okay.
Charlie: How do you know?
Will Henry: I don't, but it just helps sometimes to say that.
Charlie: This is your fault.
Will Henry: How's it my... how's it my fault?
Charlie: You make them kites, you take them camping, you show more initiative now than you ever showed in our relationship.
Will Henry: I don't know. I think I just got comfortable with you taking the lead.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I never wanted to be the leader.
Will Henry: There are people looking for you.
Charlie: And only you know where to find me.
Will Henry: It kind of helped that you texted me where you were.
[Will finds Charlie to comfort her and get her back in time for her wedding ceremony to another man]
Charlie: I'm afraid I'm making another mistake.
Will Henry: I don't think of what we did as a mistake.
Charlie: It didn't work out.
Will Henry: It did. And then it didn't.
Charlie: Are we friends?
Will Henry: We're more than that.
Charlie: What are we?
Will Henry: We're parents.
Charlie: [Gary's shirt is off] It's not what you think.
Will Henry: I think you've been having sex.
Charlie: Okay... It *is* what you think...
Charlie: Hey Gus... What's the greek word for "bullshit"?
Charlie: [troubled] I put him in the septic tank
Gus: [confused] Who?
Charlie: [nervously] The corpse.
Gus: [still confused] What corpse?
Charlie: [matter-of-factly] The reverend's corpse.
Gus: [stunned] He wasn't a corpse when I left him Charlie
Charlie: Holy Moly!
Gus: Who says "Holy Moly"?
Josie McBroom: Freakin' fantastic! Don't you see? None of us has to run away or turn ourselves in.
Charlie: What do you propose? We roam the country living on the land, like Bonnie and Clyde... and Clyde?
Gus: [sees Charlie looking at the Jesus statuette teary-eyed] What are you doing?
Charlie: He's crying. Jesus, Gus, he's crying for what we've done, for our sin.
Gus: [looks at the statuette, sees the "tears", then looks up at the ceiling]
Charlie: [starts crossing himself] Jesus. Hail Mary, full of grace...
Gus: [interrupting Charlie] Bathtub.
[points above to the ceiling]
Charlie: [looks at the ceiling and sees the crack where water is dripping from; jumps to his feet] GOD... dammit! Is that part of your plan? Huh? After you kill somebody you take a nice hot bath?
Gus: I didn't kill anybody, first of all! Second, I don't go around praying to leaky ceilings!
Charlie: [panicked] Can't we get him out of the tank?
Gus: Well yeah how long has been down there breathing liquid shit?
Charlie: [earnestly] Ten minutes, tops.
Charlie: Maybe I should just turn myself in...
Gus: No, no, no... Nobody's turning anybody in, okay? Now did you know that the priest was alive when you killed him?
Charlie: [sounds offended] No!
Gus: There you go then!
Charlie: [as they're leaving the reverend's house] Wait... Wait... Wait!
Gus: [excitedly] No no no no no no no! Rule number four: Never return to the scene of the crime!
Charlie: [calmly] It's Josie's card, I left it by the phone.
Gus: [stares at him blankly for a second] Rule number five, if your partner turns out to be an idiot, forget rule number four.
Charlie: Did you check her pulse?
Josie McBroom: Well I assumed that when you have an axe lodged in your skull, your pulse tends to bottom out on you.
Charlie: I just drowned a man of the cloth in crap!
Charlie: [Charlie is narrating] My name is Charlie Wood.
Charlie: I think I made a big mistake...
Charlie: All those that think Jack's proposition is sprinkled with horseshit, signify by saying "aye."
All Caribou: Aye!
Reno Hightower: No.
Charlie: The ayes are above the nos.
Charlie: Streams all lead to civilization... Why can't I find civilization?
Charlie: So this means that you slept with Dianne.
Oscar: I realize now that was a mistake. I was drunk, she was wearing Eve's scarf, it smelled of her perfume, I got confused.
Charlie: So, you're going to dinner with both of them? The girl you like and the girl you slept with?
Oscar: Yeah, my dad's coming too.
Benny: You do that and Big Sep kills us all.
Charlie: Fuck Big Sep!
Steve: Heads up! Stop a-head. Anybody need to use the head?
Steve: Oh, don't let it go to your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're _way_ ahead of me!
Ernie: Steve! Enough!
Steve: Hey, don't bite my head off, alright!
Ernie: That's it. I'm sleeping outside, guys.
Annette: Me, too.
Charlie: Hey, Steve; GET A GRIP. Go to sleep.
Steve: Or what? You'll have my head?
[Laurie hides in the closet]
Charlie: Laurie, you're not in the hallway. You're in the closet.
Laurie: Don't you think I realize that? I'm not coming out!
Laurie: I'm not!
Charlie: You have to come out.
Charlie: The bodies are in there.
[Laurie runs out screaming]
Charlie: I was just kidding!
Laurie: Charlie, I've got it: Fed Ex! Fed Ex them to Steve.
Charlie: We're in Mexico, Laurie. There is no Fed Ex.
Laurie: Well Mex Ex them. I don't care.
Laurie: Let's call the police.
Charlie: No! We're in Mexico, Laurie. A third world country. You don't just call the police in a third world country and tell them you found eight human heads in your luggage.
Laurie: Why not?
Charlie: Because they have no laws here. They'll turn me into a taco.
Miranda: You don't take anything seriously do you? You think the world is just here for your amusement!
Charlie: But look at the world...
Miranda: I do. But unlike you I have to live in it!
Charlie: Catastrophe equals opportunity.
Charlie: Breaking and entering makes everything taste... different. Makes it taste, um, livelier.
Charlie: In questions of science, the analysis of 1000 is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual! Galileo.
Charlie: So then, it dawned on me one night, while the other patients were watching JAG.
Miranda: They like that in there?
Charlie: They love it.
Charlie: Looking good, man. You lost some weight.
Pepper: It's the chemo.
Pepper: Where's my glasses?
Charlie: On your head!
Charlie: Miranda, did you go to that orgie?
Miranda: I... it was a barbecue.
Charlie: Where am I, Purgatory?
Wesley: Worse, Texas!
Charlie: People who get the calls are good. Not flashy, good. They get in, they get out, nobody knows a goddamn thing. You understand? Boom, boom, boom. Three in the head, you know they're dead.
Wesley: You know, that's kind of catchy.
Charlie: Yeah? Well I'll make you a fucking bumper sticker.
Charlie: How'd they describe her?
Wesley: You know, blonde, thin, whatever.
Charlie: Slow down: blonde, thin, yeah. Did they say anything about style? Did they mention grace?
Charlie: I'm asking for an example of one of these dumb fucks being a dumb fuck.
Wesley: Did you have a good time? Did you make a wish? Get in touch with your blackness? Found your Betty... well, at least where she has been hanging out.
Charlie: Where? Where is she?
Wesley: Not telling you.
Wesley: Not telling you till you straighten up. Danced around like fucking bo-jangles out there, what the fuck? This has got to stop, and I mean it!
Charlie: I'm a garbage man of the human condition.
[Charlie is criticizing Wesley for scalping Betty's husband]
Wesley: Why the fuck did you mention all them Indians for?
Charlie: Jesus Christ, Wesley! If I had mentioned Ty Cobb, would you have beat him to death with a baseball bat?
Charlie: Um, how'd it feel? I mean, do you think I did a good job?
James: Beating me up?
Charlie: Well, RESTRAINING you.
James: Yeah, you, uh... you did a good job. It was real efficient.
Charlie: That's not the way you spell 'Caracus' anyway
Charlie: Caracas. It's c-a-s, not c-u-s.
Andy: We've been standing here for four hours! Why didn't you tell me?
Charlie: [after an altercation between Jimmy and Dek] Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, there's been a bit of an incident. It appears that someone's been given the correct change by one of the barmaids.
Charlie: My wife and I had an argument over whether or not I should have a vasectomy so we said we'd let the kids decide. I lost 13 - 12.
Charlie: Why fall in love with a dame you can trust? That's like reading a book you already know the ending to.
Charlie: Look here, schoolgirl. Your smart-talking, big-city mol in the body of a lithe and innocent world-class polo-jockey act might work with your debutante friends and high collard snuff-addicts, but if you don't spill it to me straight in the next five minutes, I'll have the LAPD on you faster than a midshipman on a zoot suit.
Connie: Hi, I'm Connie - I'm mom in 'I slept with my step-daddy.'
Charlie: I'm Charlie, 'Man By Day, Woman By Night.'
[Henry and Charlie in the hotel bar. Henry sees Anna, Charlie looks and catches her eye. She waves, he smiles]
Henry: What's that about?
Charlie: Oh, we took the elevator up together...
Henry: That's it? That's the big juice?
Charlie: What do you want me to say? Okay...She's a spy and we're both planning on making love before we're assassinated by the CIA.
Big Heap: This is my squaw, Kitikata. I bought her for two buffalo skins.
Johnny Finger: Never mind how, where!
Charlie: You left me speechless!
Charlie: Can I borrow the boat?
Daniel: I'd rather lend you my wife!
Lois: I bet you can't think of a pick up line I've never heard before
Charlie: Oh, Lois, you're deeply shallow
Charlie: Oh I must've misread the... I just... I thought you wanted to see me again...
Celia Amonte: Charles? I do want to see you again but just, not on the ocean...
Charlie: Oh phew! And I thought it was me.
Daniel: Charlie... what'd ya do forget your swimsuit?
Charlie: Oh I was hopin' we could all go skinny dipping.
Celia Amonte: I just didn't think if you as the sailor type...
Charlie: Oh 'cause you haven't seen my gills.
Celia Amonte: [laughs]
Charlie: I know a little bit about a lot of things.
Charlie: So, tell me about your mum. Uh, what kind of person does she normally go out with?
Vicky: No one.
Charlie: ...Good. Uh, what does she like? What is she comfortable with?
Vicky: Fish. We're fish people. We come from generations of fish people. She's comfortable with fish.
Charlie: All right, yeah. I can work with that.
Charlie: I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get out on the ocean, smell the salt and the waves and the...fish.
Celia Amonte: Did you, uh, grow up near the ocean?
Charlie: Well, on it, really. My dad was a tug, tug...boat...pilot. Captain.
Celia Amonte: Oh.
Charlie: Tug boat captain.
Daniel: [aside] Your dad was a drunken liar.
Charlie: Hey, Slim! Watch your hat? Watch your derby?
Charlie: That's OK, he's snapping back to abnormal now.
Charlie: We'll slip him a Rooney.
Louis Blore: A Rooney? What's that?
Charlie: It's a high-powered Mickey.
Charlie: Look, kid, I - how much you weigh, son? When you weighed one hundred and sixty-eight pounds you were beautiful. You coulda been another Billy Conn, and that skunk we got you for a manager, he brought you along too fast.
Terry: It wasn't him, Charley, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! You was my brother, Charley, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.
Charlie: Oh I had some bets down for you. You saw some money.
Terry: You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charley.
Charlie: You're getting on. You're pushing 30. You know, it's time to think about getting some ambition.
Terry: I always figured I'd live a bit longer without it.
[Terry returns to Johnny Friendly's bar after setting up Joey Doyle]
Charlie: So, how'd it go?
Terry: He up on the roof.
Charlie: The "pigeon"?
Terry: Uh, yeah, it worked.
[They all raise their glasses to The Queen]
Charlie: You know what the Queen said? If I had balls, I'd be King.
Charlie: It's all bullshit except the pain. The pain of hell. The burn from a lighted match increased a million times. Infinite. Now, ya don't fuck around with the infinite. There's no way you do that. The pain in hell has two sides. The kind you can touch with your hand; the kind you can feel in your heart... your soul, the spiritual side. And ya know... the worst of the two is the spiritual.
Charlie: You know something? She is really good-lookin'. I gotta say that again. She is really good-lookin'. But she's black. You can see that real plain, right? Look, there isn't much of a difference anyway, is there. Well, is there?
Johnny Boy: Hey, why don't you lower the jukebox, I can't hear nothin'.
Joey 'Clams' Scala: Hey, the girls like the music loud.
Johnny Boy: Girls. You call those skanks girls?
Joey 'Clams' Scala: [to Charlie] Hey, what's a matter with this kid, huh?
Johnny Boy: Hey, there ain't nothin' wrong with me my friend, I'm feelin' fine.
Charlie: Keep your mouth shut.
Johnny Boy: You tell me that in front of this asshole?
Joey 'Clams' Scala: Alright, alright, we're not gonna pay. We're not paying.
Jimmy: But why? Joey, we just said we were gonna have a drink.
Joey 'Clams' Scala: [Joey interupts] We're not payin', because this guy, this guy's a fuckin' mook.
Jimmy: But I didn't say nothin'.
Joey 'Clams' Scala: And we don't pay mooks.
Jimmy: Mook? I'm a mook?
Joey 'Clams' Scala: Yeah
Jimmy: What's a mook?
Johnny Boy: A mook, what's a mook?
Tony DeVienazo: I don't know...
Johnny Boy: What's a mook?
Jimmy: You can't call me a mook!
Joey 'Clams' Scala: I can't?
Joey 'Clams' Scala: [pause] I'll give you mook!
[punches Jimmy in the face]
Charlie: What's the matter with you?
Johnny Boy: Y'know Joey Clams...
Johnny Boy: ...Joey Scallops, yeah.
Charlie: I know him too, yeah.
Johnny Boy: ...yeah. No. No, Joey Scallops is Joey Clams.
Johnny Boy: Right.
Charlie: ...they're the same person!
Johnny Boy: Yeah!
Johnny Boy: 'ey...
Giovanni Cappa: I learned this from Charley Lucky during the World War II.
Charlie: Oh? What did he do?
Giovanni Cappa: What did he do? He was there, that's what he did.
Charlie: Twenty dollars! Let's go da movies!
Giovanni Cappa: This Johnny Boy is like your mister Groppi... a little crazy. It's nice you should help him out because of his family and our family but watch yourself... Don't spoil anything. His whole family has problems... his cousin, the girl who lives next door to you...
Giovanni Cappa: ...The one who's sick, right? In the head.
Charlie: No, she's got epilepsy.
Giovanni Cappa: Yeah. That's what I said, sick in the head.
Charlie: Look... I'll give ya $20 to hold ya for now.
Michael Longo: What, are ya kidding? $20 doesn't pay the interest for 2 hours. Now, with a vig, it's almost $3000.
Charlie: $3000? Shit, you charge a guy from the neighborhood $1800 vig? One day he's late with his payments.
Michael Longo: Whatta ya think I am, his father?
Oscar: Look Charlie, you're a good boy. Will you just tell your uncle that I have nothing. There is nothing to give him. No envelopes with cash inside, no checks, nothing.
Charlie: That bad, huh?
Oscar: I can't make this week's payment and if this keeps up not next week's either.
Charlie: Not next week's either... listen... you tell that to Giovanni, not me.
Oscar: Listen, I should wrap up this place in a ribbon and hand it to him, you know that. I don't need this aggravation. I'm getting old.
Charlie: He'd rather have the loan payed, you know that.
He Zhiwu: I wish I could tell her some problems can't be solved over the phone. You meet the guy face to face and talk it out, or, if that fails, you punch him in the nose. Too bad I couldn't put it into words. But she seemed to somehow understand anyway.
Charlie: I think you're right. Let's go.
Charlie: Things change, Harold. Don't get nostalgic. Look to the future. You realize you're 35 minutes away from Europe? Great potential. I live in a new country, and I respect the past, but I always keep my eye on the future.
Charlie: This is like a bad night in Vietnam.
Harold: Everything's alright. All the troubles are over!
Charlie: [to Tony, his lawyer] What did he say?
Harold: Get a good sleep, Charlie, we got a tight schedule. I want you to meet my property lawyers - the best! And then there's an accountant who specializes in gambling tax.
Charlie: This isn't a horse race. Don't rush me, Harold.
Harold: And then there is someone you have got to meet!
Charlie: I said don't rush me. I hate tight schedules. I'll get everything covered that I have to cover, but in my own time.
Edna: You're just a shit-stain on the panties of life.
Charlie: You should know, you lick 'em every night!
Sutter: Your time's double!
Charlie: So's your chin.
Juicy Lucy: What can I get ya'? Single or double?
Charlie: Gimme both.
Juicy Lucy: You sure must be thirsty.
Charlie: If I'd known I was gonna be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.
Ugly Jim: I take it you're not here because you've read the good reviews.
Charlie: You're right. Word of mouth brought me here- a friend's recommendation.
Ugly Jim: And what does your friend recommend?
Charlie: He recommends you pay him what you owe him.
Ugly Jim: You can tell your friend I'll pay him what his service is worth: jack-diddley-squat... With bells on.
Charlie: Death is an absolute, their ain't nothing absolute about life. Anytime you want out the door is always open.
Charlie: Look.. shut up.. be still and focus on the glass pyramid across the wharf. You're in the lift, now your going up, in front of you is a big red stop button, what do you do? Do you continue you to your way to the top? Or live out your life in total ignorance?
Charlie: Ah, ladies are all the same. Think you can get away with bullshitting. I won't pay you shit.
Charlie: Here's my idea. I'll just go and kidnapp her. And that'll make him our slave.
Charlie: [voice-over] I don't know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school, and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who's gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.
Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: My doctor said we can't choose where we come from but we can choose where we go from there. I know it's not all the answers but it was enough to start putting these pieces together.
Sam: How do you feel, Charlie?
Charlie: I just really want a milkshake.
Charlie: If my Aunt Helen were still here, I could talk to her. And I know she would understand how I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.
Charlie: Mr. Anderson? Can I ask you something?
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
[on the phone]
Charlie: Candice, I killed Aunt Helen, didn't I? She died getting my birthday present, so I guess I killed her, right? I tried to stop thinking that, but I can't. She keeps driving away and dying and I can't stop her. Am I crazy, Candace?
[Candace motions to one of her friends]
Candace: Call the police and send them to my house!
[back to the phone]
Candace: No, Charlie, listen to me. Mom and Dad are going to be home with Chris any second.
Charlie: What if I wanted her to die, Candace?
Charlie: My Aunt Helen has said I should be a writer, but I don't know what I'd write about.
Sam: You could write about us.
Patrick: Yeah! Call it 'Slut and the Falcon'. Make us solve crimes.
[tripping on acid, to Sam]
Charlie: I saw this tree. But it was a dragon. Then it was a tree again. It just lied to me.
Sam: So, I'm guessing you've never been high before.
Charlie: No. No, no, no. My best friend, Michael, his dad was a big drinker, so he hated all that stuff. Parties too.
Sam: Well, where is Michael tonight?
Charlie: Oh, he shot himself last May. I kinda wish he'd left a note. You know what I mean?
Charlie: Dad, can I have 30 dollars?
Father: 20 dollars? What do you need 10 dollars for?
Charlie: I know who you are, Sam. I know I'm quiet... and, and I know I should speak more. But if you knew the things that were in my head most of the time, you'd know what it really meant. How, how much we're alike, and how we've been through the same things... and you're not small. You're beautiful.
Patrick: Hey, everyone! Every body! Everyone, raise your glasses to Charlie.
Charlie: What did I do?
Patrick: You didn't do anything. We just want to toast to our new friend. You see things and you understand. You're a wallflower.
[Charlie gets embarrassed]
Patrick: What is it? What's wrong?
Charlie: I didn't think anyone noticed me.
Patrick: Well we didn't think there was anyone cool left to meet! So come on everyone. To Charlie!
Mother: She's on the phone now? Charlie, you've got to break up with her.
Charlie: I can do that?
Charlie: There is so much pain. And I-I-I don't know how to not notice it.
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?
Charlie: So, you're not scared of me?
Charlie: So, can we be friends again?
Sam: Of course!
[She hugs him]
Sam: C'mon. Lets go be psychos together!
Sam: Charlie, I know that you know I like Craig. But I want to forget about that for a minute, okay?
Sam: I just want to make sure that the first person who kisses you loves you. Okay?
Sam: [Charlie is silent, transfixed. Sam gives a watery chuckle and moves closer to Charlie. They kiss, starting slow and becoming deeper. Sam pulls away after a dizzying moment or two] I love you, Charlie.
Charlie: I love you, too.
Patrick: My turn! Let's see. Let's think... Charlie.
Patrick: How's your first relationship going?
Charlie: It's so bad, that I keep fantasizing that one of us is dying of cancer, so that I don't have to break up with her.
Charlie: Sam, do you think if people knew how crazy you really were, no one would ever talk to you?
Sam: All the time.
Charlie: Touch my friends again and I'll blind you.
Charlie: Patrick never likes to be serious, so it took me a while to get what happened. When he was a junior, Patrick started seeing Brad on the weekends in secret. I guess it was hard, too, because Brad had to get drunk every time they fooled around. Then Monday in school Brad would say, 'Man, I was so wasted. I don't remember a thing.' This went on for seven months. When they finally did it Brad said he loved Patrick and then he started to cry. No matter what Patrick did, Brad kept saying that his dad would kill him and saying he was going to hell. Patrick was eventually able to help Brad get sober. I asked Patrick if he felt sad that he still had to keep it a secret, and he said no. Because at least now Brad doesn't have to get drunk to love him.
Patrick: Are you baked?
Charlie: Like a cake! That's what Bob said.
Charlie: Are you having a good time?
Sam: Not really, how about you?
Charlie: I don't know. It's my first date, I don't have much to compare it to.
Mary Elizabeth: Charlie, Charlie, what do you think about high school?
Charlie: High school? Bullshit. The cafeteria is called the Nutrition Center; people wear their letter jackets even when it's 98 degrees out. And why do they give out letter jackets to marching band? It's not a sport. We all know it.
Mary Elizabeth: [laughing] This kid is crazy.
Charlie: Mary Elizabeth, I think you're really gonna regret that, you know
[imitates electric razor]
Charlie: haircut when you look back at old photographs. I'm really sorry. That sounded like a compliment in my head.
Sam: Who's this?
Patrick: This is...
Charlie: Charlie... Kelmeckis.
Patrick: Kelmeckis! No shit! Your sister's dating Ponytail Derek, isn't she?
Charlie: Is that what they call him?
Sam: Would you leave Ponytail Derek alone? You put the ass in class, Patrick.
Patrick: I try. Sam, I try.
Sam: It's nice to meet you, Charlie. I'm Sam.
Charlie: Dear Friend, I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, but I've been trying hard not to be a loser.
Charlie: Well, I have one thousand three hundred and eighty-four days to go. Just so I say it to someone, high school is even worse than middle school.
Patrick: Why can't you save anybody?
Charlie: I don't know.
Charlie: I think The Smiths are my favorite.
Sam: Are you kidding? I *love* The Smiths! Best break up band ever. What's your favorite song?
Patrick: [mimicking his shop teacher] The prick punch is not a toy! I learned that back in 'Nam in '68. 'Callahan,' Sergeant said, 'you put down that prick punch and go kill some gooks!' And you know what happened? That prick punch killed my best friend in a Saigon whore house.
Mr. Callahan: I heard you were going to be in my class. Are you proud to be a senior having to take freshman shop, Patty-Cakes?
Patrick: Look, my name is Patrick. Either you call me Patrick or you call me nothing.
Mr. Callahan: Okay, Nothing.
Charlie: [voice-over] I felt really bad for Patrick. He wasn't doing the impersonation to be mean or anything. He was just trying to make us freshmen feel better.
Charlie: I feel infinite.
Charlie: [voice-over] Dear Friend. I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who I am. I don't want you to do that. I just need to know that people like you exist. Like if you met me you wouldn't think I was the weird kid who spent time in the hospital. And I wouldn't make you nervous. I hope it's okay for me to think that. You see, I haven't really talked to anyone outside of my family all summer. But tomorrow is my first day of high school ever, and I need to turn things around. So I have a plan. As I enter the school for the first time, I will visualize what it would be like on the last day of my senior year. Unfortunately I counted, and that's one thousand three hundred and eighty-five days.
Bill: You know, I heard you had a tough time last year. But they say if you make one friend on your first day you're doing okay.
Charlie: Thank you, sir, but if my English teacher is the only friend I make today, that would be sorta depressing.
Charlie: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: Hey! You're in my shop class, right? How's your clock coming?
Charlie: My dad's building it for me.
Patrick: Yeah. Mine looks like a boat. You wanna sit over here or are you waiting for your friends?
Charlie: No, no, no I'll sit.
Patrick: Thanks for not calling me Nothing, by the way. It's an endless nightmare. And these assholes, they actually think they're being original.
Charlie: Mary Elizabeth is a really nice person underneath the part of her that hates everyone.
Charlie: My aunt had the same thing done to her too, and she turned her life around.
Sam: She must have been great.
Charlie: She was my favorite person in the world. Until now.
Charlie: Stop crying. Stop crying.
Chris: How are you feeling, Charlie?
Chris: No, you know what I mean. Is it bad tonight?
Charlie: No, no. I'm not picturing things anymore. Or if I do I can just shut it off.
Chris: Well, you know, Mom did say that you have good friends now. And maybe if it does get bad again, you can just talk to them. Yeah?
Charlie: Yeah. Especially Sam. She's great.
Charlie: You got me a present?
Sam: After all your help on my Penn State application? Of course I did. Open it!
[Charlie opens it to see a typewriter]
Charlie: I don't know what to say.
Sam: You don't have to say anything.
Charlie: Did you have fun on your break?
Bill: More fun than you're gonna have today, Sinatra.
Charlie: What's 'accountable'? Is that like people eating people?
Charlie: Dad, look what I can do. I've been practicing
[Makes fart noise with armpit]
Charlie: Who took this picture?
Charlie: And you lived with us?
Raymond: Yeah, 10962 Beachcrest Street, Cincinnati, Ohio.
Charlie: When did you leave?
Raymond: January 12, 1965. Very snowy that day. 7.2 inches of snow that day.
Charlie: Just after Mom died.
Raymond: Yeah Mom died January 5, 1965.
Charlie: You remember that day. Was I there? Where was I?
Raymond: You were in the window. You waved to me, "Bye bye Rain Man", "Bye bye."
Dr. Bruner: Well, Raymond? Aren't you more comfortable in your favorite K-Mart clothes?
Charlie: Tell him, Ray.
Raymond: K-Mart sucks.
Dr. Bruner: Oh, I see.
Charlie: Hey, Ray: you just made a joke.
Raymond: Yeah, a joke. Ha ha ha... ha.
Doctor: Ray, can we try something?
Doctor: Do you know how much 312 x 123 is?
Raymond: [saying digit after digit] 3-8-3-7-6.
Doctor: [amazed] He's right.
Doctor: He's right!
Charlie: He's right?
[the calculator shows 38376]
Doctor: Ray... How much is 4343 x 1234?
Raymond: [saying digit after digit] 5-3-5-9-2-6-2
Charlie: He's a genius...
Charlie: He's a genius!
Doctor: Ray! Do you know how much a square root of 2130 is?
Raymond: 4-6 point 1-5-1-9-2-3-0-4.
[the calculator shows 46.15192304]
Charlie: That's amazing! He is amazing! He should work for NASA or something like that.
Doctor: [walking to Raymond] If you had a dollar... and you spent 50 cents, how much money would you have left?
Raymond: About 70...
Doctor: 70 cents?
Raymond: 70 cents.
Susanna: You use me, you use Raymond, you use everybody.
Charlie: Using Raymond? Hey Raymond, am I using you? Am I using you Raymond?
Charlie: Shut up! He is answering a question from a half hour ago!
Charlie: What you have to understand is, four days ago he was only my brother in name. And this morning we had pancakes.
Charlie: Listen... Ray, I don't know if I'm gonna have a chance to talk to you again. Because you see, these... Dr. Bruner really likes you a lot, and he's probably gonna take you back. You know?
Charlie: What I said about being on the road with you I meant. Connecting. I like having you for my brother.
Raymond: I'm an excellent driver.
Charlie: [smiling] Yes, you are. I like having you for my big brother.
Raymond: C-H-A-R-L-I-E. C-H-A-R-L-I-E. Main man.
[In a telephone booth with the door closed]
Raymond: Uh oh fart. Uh oh fart.
Charlie: Did you fart, Ray? Did you fucking fart?
Charlie: [Trying unsuccessfully to open the door] How can you stand that?
Raymond: I don't mind it.
Charlie: How can you stand it?
Raymond: Ten minutes to Wapner. We're definitely locked in this box with no TV.
Charlie: I'm gonna let ya' in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks.
[after Ray spills a box of toothpicks on the floor]
Raymond: 82, 82, 82.
Charlie: 82 what?
Charlie: There's a lot more than 82 toothpicks, Ray.
Raymond: 246 total.
Charlie: How many?
Sally Dibbs: 250.
Charlie: Pretty close.
Sally Dibbs: There's four left in the box.
Charlie: Hey Raymond, remember today when the doctor was asking you those questions? How'd you know the answers?
Raymond: [while brushing his teeth at the same time, Charlie can't make out what he said] I see it.
Charlie: What? Stop that for a second.
Raymond: I see it.
[Grabs tooth brush from him]
Charlie: When I say stop it, why don't you stop it? Why do you always have to act like an idiot?
[Raymond begins to laugh]
Charlie: You think that's funny?
Raymond: Yeah funny Rain Man, funny teeth.
Charlie: What'd you say? Funny teeth? What?
Raymond: I didn't say funny teeth, funny Rain Man.
Charlie: You? You're the Rain Man?
Charlie: When I was a little kid and I got scared, the Rain Man would come and sing to me.
Susanna: Rain what?
Charlie: Oh you know, one of those imaginary childhood friends.
Susanna: What happened to him?
Charlie: Nothing, I just grew up.
Susanna: Not so much.
[Raymond has jumped in the car with Susanna]
Charlie: Hey, who is this guy?
Susanna: He just jumped in the car.
Charlie: Yeah well he can jump out. Come on!
Raymond: I'm an excellent driver.
Charlie: That's good. Come on! Susanna, why'd you let him get in this car? It's not a toy.
Susanna: He says he drives this car.
Raymond: Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday. 'Course the seats were originally brown leather now they're a pitiful red.
Charlie: [surprised] Hey, these seats were brown leather. You know this car?
Raymond: I know this car.
Charlie: How do you know this car?
Raymond: It's a 1949 Buick Roadmaster. Straight 8. Fireball 8. Only 8,985 production models. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway. But not on Monday, definitely not on Monday.
Charlie: Who's your dad?
Raymond: Sanford Babbitt. 10961 Beachcrest Street, Cincinnati Ohio.
Charlie: That's my address. Hey, who's your mother?
Raymond: Eleanor Babbitt. Died January 5, 1965 after short and sudden illness.
Charlie: Who the hell are you?
Raymond: Uh oh, fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.
[Raymond proceeds back to Walbrook, ignoring Charlie]
Charlie: Wait, I wanna ask you a question! Hey! Dr. Bruner, who is he?
Dr. Bruner: Raymond is your brother.
Dr. Bruner: Raymond's unable to make decisions.
Charlie: You're wrong.
Dr. Bruner: He can't decide for himself.
Charlie: He's capable of a lot more than you know!
Charlie: I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore. My father cut me out of his will. You probably knew he tried to contact me over the years. I never called him back. I was a prick. If he was my son and didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out. But it's not about the money anymore. You know, I just don't understand. Why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that I had a brother? Because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just the past six days.
Raymond: Of course I don't have my underwear. I'm definitely not wearing my underwear.
Charlie: I gave you a fresh pair of mine to wear. Where are they?
Raymond: They're in the pocket of my jacket. Here.
Charlie: I don't want them back.
Raymond: These are not boxer shorts. Mine are boxer shorts. These are Hanes 32.
Charlie: Underwear is underwear, Ray.
Raymond: My boxer shorts have my name and it says Raymond.
Charlie: All right, when we pass the store, we'll pick you up a pair of boxer shorts.
Raymond: I get my boxer shorts at K-Mart in Cincinnati.
Charlie: We're not going back to Cincinnati, Ray, so don't even start with that.
Charlie: I'll tell you a story about my father, that car in the garage, was off limits to me. He said it was a classic, it demands respect. One day, I'm a sophomore in high school, I bring home a report card, it's almost all A's so I go to the old man, ask him if I can take the car out as sort of a victory drive. He says no. So I stole the keys and snuck it out.
Susanna: You took the car with no permission? Why?
Charlie: Because I deserved it! Nothing I did was ever good enough for this guy. Don't you understand, We're on Columbia Parkway, four kids, and we get pulled over.
Susanna: Accident? What is pulled over?
Charlie: You know, siren, police. Can I finish? Okay so we're taken to jail. The other kids' fathers bail them out, mine left me there for two days.
Susanna: He left you in prison for two days? Were you scared?
Dr. Bruner: Raymond, wouldn't you feel more relaxed in your favorite K-Mart clothes?
Charlie: Tell him, Ray.
Raymond: K-Mart sucks.
Dr. Bruner: Oh, I see.
John Mooney: Are you disappointed?
Charlie: Disappointed? Why should I be disappointed? I got rose bushes didn't I? I got a used car, didn't I? This other guy, what'd you call him?
John Mooney: The beneficiary.
Charlie: Yeah him, he got $3,000,000 but he didn't get the rose bushes. I got the rose bushes. I definitely got the rose bushes. Those are rose bushes!
John Mooney: Mr. Babbitt, there's no reason to...
Charlie: To what? To get upset? If there is a hell, sir, my father is in it and he is looking up right now and he is laughing his ass off. Sanford Babbitt, you wanna be that guy's son for five minutes? I mean did you hear that letter? Were you listening?
John Mooney: Yes I was. Were you?
Charlie: Um, no, can you repeat it because I can't believe my fucking ears.
[Raymond is boarding a train back to Walbrook]
Raymond: 'Course, three minutes to Wapner.
Charlie: You'll make it.
Raymond: That's my pen. That's definitely my book.
Charlie: Well taking your book is not a serious injury!
Raymond: Serious injury book is a red book, that book is blue.
Charlie: Well forgive me, I've lost my secret decoder ring!
[Raymond doesn't want to go outside when it rains]
Charlie: Hey, Ray, you take a shower right?
Charlie: Well the rain is a lot like the shower, you get a little wet. What do you say, Ray? What do you say?
Raymond: Of course the shower is in the bathroom.
Charlie: That's the end of that conversation.
Charlie: [talking to the woman who answers the door] I'm sorry ma'am, I lied to you. I'm very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch 'People's Court' in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.
Raymond: Gotta get my boxer shorts at K-Mart.
Charlie: [Pulls over, gets out of the car and yells] WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHERE YOU BUY UNDERWEAR? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? UNDERWEAR IS UNDERWEAR! IT IS UNDERWEAR WHEREVER YOU BUY IT! IN CINCINNATI OR WHEREVER!
Charlie: You know what I think, Ray? I think this autism is a bunch of shit! Because you can't tell me that you're not in there somewhere!
Raymond: Boxer shorts. K-Mart!
Charlie: Listen, Ray, our dad died, that means he's not with us anymore. Did they tell you about that?
Raymond: I don't know.
Charlie: You don't know if they told you or you don't know what death is?
Raymond: I don't know.
Charlie: Ray, all airlines have crashed at one time or another, that doesn't mean that they are not safe.
Raymond: QANTAS. QANTAS never crashed.
Raymond: Never crashed.
Charlie: Oh that's gonna do me a lot of good because QANTAS doesn't fly to Los Angeles out of Cincinnati, you have to get to Melbourne! Melbourne, Australia in order to get the plane that flies to Los Angeles!
Raymond: Of course you can't have pancakes without maple syrup.
Charlie: You bet your butt.
Raymond: Bet your butt.
Charlie: He's not crazy, he's not retarded but he's here.
Dr. Bruner: He's an autistic savant. People like him used to be called idiot savants. There's certain deficiencies, certain abilities that impairs him.
Charlie: So he's retarded.
Dr. Bruner: Autistic. There's certain routines, rituals that he follows.
Charlie: Rituals, I like that.
Dr. Bruner: The way he eats, sleeps, walks, talks, uses the bathroom. It's all he has to protect himself. Any break from this routine leaves him terrified.
Charlie: Now casinos have house rules: they don't like to lose. So you never show that you're counting cards. That is *the* cardinal sin, Ray.
Raymond: Counting cards is bad.
Raymond: I like to drive slow on the driveway.
Charlie: If you get this right, Ray, you can drive anywhere you want as slow as you want.
Charlie: Rain Man.
Charlie: Let's play some cards!
[Raymond is about to go back to Walbrook on a train. He and Charlie are saying goodbye]
Raymond: Very shiny train.
Charlie: Yeah, sure is.
[Raymond is boarding a train back to Walbrook]
Raymond: 'Course it's 10 minutes to Wapner.
Charlie: You'll make it.
Raymond: 97X, bam! The future of rock 'n' roll. 97X, bam! The future of rock 'n' roll. 97X, bam! The future of rock 'n' roll.
Charlie: Ray, enough already! Change the channel.
Raymond: 97X, bam! The future of rock 'n' roll. 97X, bam! The future of rock 'n' roll.
[after doctors left to make final decision about Raymond]
Charlie: [to Raymond] It's okay, Ray. It's over. No more questions. You don't have to answer anymore questions.
Charlie: Raymond, what were you doing in my room?
Charlie: I heard noises.
Raymond: You heard noises? Well, those noises are none of your business.
Sally Dibbs: Good Morning! Coffee?
Raymond: [looks at her nametag] Sally Dibbs, Dibbs Sally. 461-0192.
Sally Dibbs: How did you know my phone number?
Charlie: How did you know that?
Raymond: You said read the telephone book last night. Dibbs Sally. 461-0192.
Charlie: He, uh, remembers things. Little things sometimes.
Sally Dibbs: Very clever boys. I'll be right back.
Raymond: Maple syrup is supposed to be on the table before the pancakes.
Charlie: We haven't ordered yet, Ray.
Raymond: Of course when they bring the maple syrup after the pancakes, it'll definitely be too late.
Charlie: How is that gonna be too late? We haven't ordered the pancakes yet.
Raymond: We're gonna be here the entire morning with no maple syrup and no - no toothpicks, I'm definitely, definitely not gonna have my pancakes w-with...
[Charlie grabs him by the neck]
Charlie: Don't make a scene!
Charlie: Stop acting like a fucking retard.
[Pulls out red book and writes in it]
Charlie: What are you writing?... What the fuck is this? "Serious Injury List"? *Serious* injury list? Are you fucking kidding me?
Raymond: Number eighteen in 1988, Charlie Babbitt squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck in 1988.
Charlie: Squeezed and pulled and hurt your neck in 1988?
Charlie: I'm going to see you in 2 weeks now how many days is that before we'll be together?
Raymond: 14 days from today, today's Wednesday.
Raymond: 336 hours.
Raymond: Course that's 20,160 minutes. 1,290,600, six hundred seconds.
Charlie: I'm gonna go take a celebration piss.
[in a pancake restaurant]
Charlie: Okay, Ray, we've got blueberry, buckwheat, all flavors, what kind do you want?
Charlie: I know, but what kind?
Charlie: That's amazing. He should work for NASA or something like that.
Doctor: Ray, if you had a dollar and you spent fifty cents, how much would you have left over?
Raymond: About seventy.
Doctor: Seventy cents?
Raymond: Seventy cents.
Charlie: So much for the NASA idea.
Raymond: [to Charlie] K-Mart, we should go to K-Mart. 400 Oak Street.
Charlie: What did I tell you? After this!
Charlie: Does Raymond know how much money he's inherited?
Dr. Bruner: No, he doesn't understand the concept of money.
Charlie: He doesn't understand the concept of money? He just inherited $3,000,000 and he doesn't understand the concept of money? Wow, good work, Dad. I'm getting fucking poetic here.
Charlie: What's it going to be Ray? What's it going to be?
Raymond: This is a very dangerous highway.
Charlie: How am I going to get to LA?
Raymond: Course driving your car on this interstate is very dangerous.
Charlie: You want to get off the highway will that make you happy?
Charlie: Yeah, well you gotta GET IN THE CAR SO THAT WE CAN GET OFF THE HIGHWAY!
Raymond: Course in 1986 46,400 male drivers were definitely involved in fatal accidents.
Charlie: What was it we cleared, eight-six thousand and change?
Raymond: Eighty-six thousand, five hundred...
Charlie: So, eighty thousand to pay the cars off. What did I say I had to pay to get the Rolex out of hock?
Raymond: Thirty-five hundred dollars.
Charlie: Thirty-five hundred. Don't have to pay for the rooms, they're comped. I'm free and clear, I'm going to go take a celebration piss. Don't go anywhere. While I'm gone, the sign says, "Don't walk."
Raymond: Don't walk.
Charlie: Don't walk.
Charlie: [on telephone] Yeah, room service, Suite 21. I'd like to order a large pizza.
Charlie: [to Susanna] Pepperoni, right?
Susanna: No, I don't want pepperoni.
Charlie: [on telephone] That's right. A large pepperoni. How long's that going to take? Bring some beer up for two, and orange soda. Tapioca pudding, you got tapioca pudding? Well just bring the closest thing. All right, great.
[Ray and Charlie are sitting at a duck pond. Ray is staring off into space]
Charlie: Raymond, what are you looking at? The ducks are over here. What are you looking at?
Raymond: I don't know.
Raymond: Lights out at eleven.
Charlie: Yeah well new rules.
[Location: on a back road, nineteen minutes to eleven o'clock]
Charlie: We're not in the air, we're not on the highway, I'm on some shit secondary road. I gotta make up some time. I have to get to LA, I should've been there this afternoon, my business needs me. I gotta make up some time.
Raymond: Definitely watch TV but you have to be in bed at eleven. Lights out at eleven.
Charlie: Forget it.
Raymond: Uh oh, nineteen minutes to eleven.
Raymond: I'm an excellent driver.
Charlie: When did you drive?
Raymond: I drove slow on the driveway when my dad came to Walbrook.
Charlie: Was Dad in the car?
Charlie: I'll have to let you drive sometime.
[Raymond grabs the wheel and nearly steers them into an oncoming car]
Charlie: Raymond, you NEVER! NEVER touch the steering wheel when I'm driving. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?
Charlie: This is a good one. We don't go out when it rains, this is a real good one. I hope you appreciate this because my business is going down the fucking toilet. I should be in L.A., instead I'm in the Honeymoon Haven motel in Bumblefuck, Missouri because you won't go out when it rains. Mystifying. Fucking mystifying.
[in a pancake restaurant]
Raymond: Maple syrup is supposed to be on the table before the pancakes.
Charlie: [Presents a container of maple syrup] Ta da.
Raymond: Ha ha. Charlie Babbitt made a joke.
[Raymond is reciting Abbott and Costello's Who's on First Base skit]
Charlie: Ray, you're never gonna solve it. It's not a riddle because Who *is* on first base. That's a joke, Ray, it's comedy, but when you do it you're not funny. You're like the comedy of Abbott and Abbott.
Raymond: 'Course I got Jeopardy! at five o'clock. I watch Jeopardy!
Charlie: Don't start with that, Ray.
Charlie: You've got a date, Ray, you're gonna go dancing.
Charlie: You know how to dance, Ray?
Charlie: I'll have to teach you sometime.
Raymond: Definitely have to dance on my date. Have to learn how to dance. Definitely. Now.
Charlie: Ray, you're not gonna have to dance, but I will teach you sometime.
Raymond: Definitely have to dance with Iris.
Charlie: Sorry I even brought this up. You're right, Ray, you got a date with the only famous dancing hooker in Las Vegas.
[Charlie is pulling Raymond's books off the shelves, leaving Raymond nervous]
Charlie: You read The Twelth Night?
Raymond: I don't know. V-E-R-N.
Charlie: You read Macbeth?
Charlie: So you read all these stories and you don't know if you read the book?
Susanna: You have his money.
Charlie: HIS money? That man was my father too, what about my fuckin' half? Where's my fuckin' half? I'm entitled to that money, Goddammit!
Charlie: [on phone with Raymond's place] Dr. Bruner, it's Charlie Babbitt.
Dr. Bruner: Where are you, son?
Charlie: That's not important. What matters is who I'm with.
Dr. Bruner: You have to bring him back, Mr. Babbitt. Do you understand me?
Charlie: Certainly. No problem. That will be $1.5 million please. I'll take it in cash, check, or a transfer.
Dr. Bruner: Why are you doing this?
Charlie: I'm not greedy. I just want my half.
Lenny: Charlie, where the hell have you been? I've been waiting by this phone for 3 hours man.
Charlie: Take it easy, I was just buying some clothes.
Lenny: Charlie we are in serious trouble. Serious trouble and you're buying clothes.
Charlie: What trouble?
Lenny: The cars. The cars are gone, the buyers want their deposits back, they all do. That's eighty thou, Charlie.
Charlie: $80,000. I don't have it.
Lenny: You gotta pay these people or we're out of business! What am I gonna tell them?
Charlie: I don't know.
[Storms about the desert then yells]
Charlie: SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH!
Charlie: $200 is about to go to the shit house and Lenny doesn't wanna answer the phone!
Raymond: 12:30 is lunch.
Charlie: What do you want?
Raymond: Wednesday is fish sticks. Green lime jello for dessert.
Charlie: You want another apple juice?
Raymond: No, orange soda. Uh oh, it's 12:31.
Charlie: That's why they sent you away. Because you hurt me.
Charlie: Ray, it would be nice if you didn't carry that television everywhere we go.
Charlie: [Raymond making remarks about going to Cincinnati to get underwear] Ray, did you fucking hear what I said? SHUT UP!
[Raymond blows their ruse to get into a farmhouse to watch The People's Court]
Charlie: That's it. You blew it. You don't get to see your program. Finished.
Raymond: One minute to Wapner.
Charlie: Yes, one minute to Wapner. I had you in there, Ray! You were in there! The defendant, the plaintiff, you had it all. They are in there making legal history. *Legal history!*
[Raymond is afraid of riding in a car on the freeway]
Charlie: Hey Ray, I got a great idea. Stay in front of the car until we get off the exit, you'll get in and we'll take a not so dangerous road, whatever that might me. Is that an idea?
Charlie: Give me five, that's a great idea. Give me five.
[Raymond doesn't comply so Charlie jogs back to the car]
Charlie: This guy's a fucking fruit cake.
Charlie: You tire me, Ray.
[In a phone booth]
Raymond: It's definitely very small in here.
[Tries to leave]
Charlie: Small, and safe. Don't wanna miss the party. You know that, there's a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there'll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there's a party for you? Because you're the $3,000,000 man.
Charlie: [on telephone] Now it's five and a half weeks and I'm still sitting on four Lamborghinis that can't meet spot emissions standards. Now, how many times you wash out with EPA?
Lenny: [on a separate line] Uh, yes sir, they're finally, uh, clearing EPA; uh, just one or two more days.
Charlie: Three times? You're really on a roll here, my friend; four cars, three times each - that's zip for twelve. What are you, a... mechanic, or a NASA engineer? Now listen, now, I told you I've never dealt with these Lamborghinis before, and yet you assured me that you can deliver these cars within that time frame. Don't, don't tell me that, 'cause I - I'm not even listening.
Charlie: Ray, we're at an airport. People fly out of airports. What'd you think we're doing here this whole time?
Charlie: I'm really sorry, I don't do more than two visits in a row without a break, so...
Alistair Ryle: What break do you need, if you're just lying there?
Charlie: I'm not just a live version of the sock you wank into.
Charlie: We'll get you in the records books. "Oldest man that ever ran away with the circus."
Old Jacob: I'm not running away, I'm coming home.
Russ: [in the rain] Uh, Excuse me sir. Can we help you? Can we help you with something?
Old Jacob: Did I miss the Spec?
Charlie: Uh, yeah, I'm afraid so. The show was this afternoon.
Old Jacob: Oh.
Charlie: Did you come with the folks from Green Haven? Why don't we get out of the rain, and we'll call them for you.
Old Jacob: No, no! I came on my own.
Russ: It's okay. We're gonna call the home. We're gonna have them come pick you up.
Old Jacob: I'm telling you, I didn't come with the home! Why don't you take those rings out of your head, and maybe you won't be deaf *and* dumb.
Russ: [to Charlie] We'll it's alive.
Old Jacob: I'm sorry kid, I didn't mean that. Your rings look very... pretty.
Charlie: Whatever you feel, just dance it.
Charlie: Are you asking me out?
Jody: Well yeah. Are you saying yes?
Charlie: I guess so. Yeah.
Charlie: Daddy, can we pay the ghost?
Mike Lawford: Pay the what?
Charlie: It's much better to confront the demons of your past in the harsh, unforgiving light of early dawn.
Charlie: It's not that I don't like music, it's that I have a hard time finding a style that doesn't annoy me.
Charlie: Look on the bright side, at least you didn't give a dead animal to somebody on their wedding day.
Charlie: [Stares at the crucifix] Why are you doing this to me? My only sin is love!
Slim: If she ain't dead, she'll be out here on Friday night, or at the Geisha Dungeon.
Charlie: Geisha Dungeon? What's that?
Slim: The devil's lair.
Lexus: Do you want love in your life?
Lexus: Then open your heart.
Charlie: Give up! You can't get away from us! We're not gonna hurt you!
Charlie: [mob chases Miles to the highway] Let him go. Nobody will ever believe him.
Charlie: No more with the acting?
Katy Rigby: No. I mean... life just... kind of put a damper on it.
Charlie: Whatever happened to dreams? / I think our entire generation is going to grad school, delaying real life as long as possible. / Every single one of all these friends is getting a MBA or a JD or a JD MBA. / I lost one of my interns last month, and the magazine's lost a whole bunch...
Eleanor Rigby: Shut the fuck up, Charlie.
Charlie: Life is an orange, Max.
Charlie: Why were you kissing my sister-in-law?
Elvis: [after the police have come by the house looking for Annabelle] Where did you tell them we were?
Charlie: I just told them Annabelle had been here, but then uh, she just took off in our old Cadillac.
Elvis: What Cadillac?
Charlie: The one we've got parked up along side the house.
Elvis: Dad, we don't have a Cadillac.
Charlie: Well, they don't know that.
Charlie: When you gonna get a gal?
[no response from Elvis]
Charlie: When you gonna get a gal?
Elvis: I heard you the first time. Um... I don't know. I haven't met anyone.
Charlie: Well, you ain't gonna find her in the grocery store.
Charlie: I like your story, Elvis.
Elvis: I like you, Dad.
Charlie: I like you more, Elvis.
[Charlie makes up a story in front of the cop]
Elvis: How did you do that?
Charlie: Well, I figured you learned your storytelling from somebody.
Elvis: [after Annabelle has awoken on the embalming table] She's alive. She's alive! She's alive! She's alive! She's alive, Dad, wake up, wake up.
Charlie: What's the ruckus?
Elvis: [Calling the emergency line] Hello, I have an emergency. I'm at the Morreau Funeral Home. I'm a mortician. Uh, I was embalming this girl, my dad was embalming a girl and she suddenly woke up.
Charlie: Who woke up?
Elvis: [Still on the phone] I'm off the route 409, down in Cower, Texas. Am I what? Lady, I am bona. Send a paramedic, send an ambulance, send something! Bye!
Charlie: Sometines I speak English. Sometines I don't.
[Nick pulls his truck up to Beulah's Star Ice Castle Lanes, or, depending on how you read the marquee sign, Beulah's Ice Castle Star Lanes]
Nick Peterson: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie: Hi, Nick.
Nick Peterson: How ya doin'?
Charlie: Beats the hell out of me. Hey, what are *you* doin' home?
Nick Peterson: Beats the hell out of me.
Charlie: Hey, Beulah, rack 'em up! Come on!
Nick Peterson: Howdy, Les.
Les: Hey! Nick, what the hell are *you* doin' here?
Nick Peterson: Beats the hell out of me.
[Nick peers around a corner to watch Lexie being trained in ice-skating by Beulah, who is shouting out instructions about Lexie keeping her head up and so forth, and telling her she isn't doing well enough. Lexie spots Nick and runs over on her skates]
Alexis Winston: Nick! Wow!
Nick Peterson: [grabbing her into a hug and allowing her to spin him around] Ohhh.
Beulah Smith: Hey, that was the fastest pre-med course in history!
[Nick hugs Beulah while still hugging Lexie]
Beulah Smith: What are you doing home?
Nick Peterson: I couldn't stay away from my girls.
Charlie: I always thought that night at the marina was truly Mick's graduation ceremony, where he showed mercy for the first and maybe the only time in his life.
Charlie: Every kid grows up with a boogeyman under his bed. Mine terrorized Greenwich Village and smoked Newports.
Charlie: But we had to sneak in. See, despite the fact that Leo dropped two hundred grand on a boat a few days before, he was adamant that none of us should pay twenty bucks to get into a dance. He'd never paid before and he wasn't about to start in his fifth and potentially final year of college. I'm not sure he even caught the irony. Fuckin' rich people.
Charlie: You take something apart and you see all its threads and you see that all of these threads have different meanings and you kind of examine how these meanings are imposed upon these threads. You kind of reveal the contradictions and inconsistencies and you see that there's no one truth expressed by that thing. You see that there's no absolute truth.
Charlie: I was in college now. It was time to start over and aim high. Only two things mattered: books and girls. Well, one thing, really.
Mary: Are you looking for owls, Charlie?
Charlie: I'm... No, I'm trying not to stare at your breasts.
Charlie: Leo realized he accidentally attended all of his classes that week and decided that we all needed to go on a road trip - on his plane, his private plane.
Leo: Fuckin' rich people.
Charlie: Yeah. Fuckin' rich people.
Charlie: Uh, who's the... who's the quote from?
Mary: Milton. My father always dredges it up when we fight about the kind of men that I date.
Charlie: I don't wanna be alone when I die.
Rose: I like to think my life matters.
Charlie: Oh, your life matters, you've touched other people's lives in ways you don't even realize.
Rose: How do you know that?
Charlie: Cause you've touched my life.
Charlie: You saved me Rose. I was wondering where God was and then the next thing you know, there you are at the bedside of a complete stranger telling him you love him was such meaning. And then I knew God was there in that room, with you.
Charlie: Your mother wants you to live your life Rose.
Rose: You don't know my mother.
Charlie: She knows you love her and you're there for her.
Rose: Why are you doing this?
Charlie: Because she told me to tell you.
Rose: That's not funny, you're scaring me.
Charlie: No Rose, listen to me, I don't have much time.
Rose: No I...
Charlie: Rose, please listen to me.
Rose: I don't want to listen.
Charlie: Listen to what I have to say.
Rose: I'm not gonna listen. Get out of the house, I don't want you here anymore.
Charlie: I'm not gonna leave until you hear what I have to say.
Charlie: She spoke to me last night.
Rose: I'm calling the police.
Charlie: I know it is hard to believe.
Rose: I mean it Charlie, get out.
Charlie: That's what she wants.
Rose: I'm dialling.
Charlie: I know that would make her happy.
Rose: Happy? Happy? My mother doesn't even know she's my mother. She doesn't hear me, she doesn't see me! Do you understand what I'm saying? When you look into her eyes you see absolutely nothing, she isn't there, do you understand what I'm saying? I'm watching my mother die bit by bit. So don't you tell me about my mother, get out of here! Just go!
Charlie: I love you Rose.
[talking about Kelley's new car]
Steve: I could have sex with a car like that.
Charlie: Just don't burn your wood on the tale's pipe.
Steve: No, I mean I could have sex with a woman if I have a car like that.
Kelley: Steve you couldn't have sex with a woman if you gave her a car like that.
Rex: [Matt pulls a gun out of the package] I know what this means. I know... fucking cocksuckers.
[looks at the camera]
Rex: I know what this means, fuck you. Do your fucking research okay, 'cos him doing that to himself was the best thing that ever fucking happened to me. Fuck you.
[looks back at the others]
Matt: [indicating the gun] I'll put this out of harm's way.
[goes over to Rex]
Matt: Come on, lets go upstairs.
Rex: What? They think they can fuck with me now?
Charlie: His dad, right?
Charlie: Do you think they're punishing us?
Rex: Yeah. I don't know, maybe. Or, maybe we've been punishing ourselves.
Charlie: I was being subtle.
Winifred Rounds: Don't be subtle. Dickens isn't subtle. Your audience isn't subtle. And you aren't subtle.
Charlie: You ARE dead. You just don't know it.
Charlie: It was a long time before I realized that love turned upside down is love for all that.
Charlie: We always kept our sexual sights impossibly high: it preserved us from the stigma of attempt and failure, on the one hand, and success and mortal sin on the other.
Charlie: All those years you sat and looked into the fire, what went through your head? What did you think of? I never knew you to have a hope or a dream or to say a half wise thing!
Charlie: [to his father's ghost] You worked for 58 years, 9 hours a day, in a garden so steep a horse couldn't climb it. And when they let you go, with a pension of 10 shillings a week, you did handsprings of joy because it came from "The Quality." You spent your life sitting on brambles, and wouldn't move in case someone took your seat.
Charlie: What is it like to die?
Da: [pauses] I didn't care for it.
[on the whereabouts of a recently deceased railroad worker]
Charlie: He's being slapped with a spade right now.
Doc Murdoch: Feels like you got a slug there, pardner. A .44?
Charlie: Injun arrowhead. It don't bother me none.
Doc Murdoch: You know, some members of the medical profession like to cut them things out. But I say, let 'em stay if it's that comfortable.
[about shoplifting a bottle of alcoholic drink]
John: I can't believe we're doing this.
Charlie: Desperate measures.
John: It's illegal.
Charlie: It's harmless and expected.
Charlie: What happened, Riley, did you get fucked?
Charlie: Nice shooting.
Riley: Good shooting, Charlie. No such thing as nice shooting.
Mike: It's like a bad dream.
Charlie: I have bad dreams. Hell, yes. Just look at me, you can tell I have terrible dreams.
Slack: Charlie, why do you lick your rifle?
Charlie: Catches the light.
Slack: What light? How can you see anything?
Charlie: Good eye.
Slack: [talking about Riley] You take care of him, huh?
Charlie: Hell, yeah. He pulled me out of the fire. It was bad... Just look at me, you can tell it was bad.
Riley: [about the fireworks] Put some flowers in the graveyard.
Charlie: Put some flowers in the graveyard. How come you call them that, Riley? I don't get it. There here ain't the kind of flowers you lay on the ground, these here are sky flowers. Way up in heaven...
Riley: That's why I love you, Charlie, 'cause you still believe in heaven.
Charlie: [to Slack] Riley likes to be alone. He might take me, because he says being with me is just like being alone.
Charlie: [repeated line; referring to the number of bullets he carries] I don't usually need that many.
Riley: Put that thing away and put on your best Sunda smile. Just, just try to be friendly.
Charlie: I *am* friendly.
[as the Silver Shamrock commercial plays on TV]
Daniel Challis: Come on, come on, come on!
Charlie: [Changing the channel] What's the matter? Don't you have any Halloween spirit?
Daniel Challis: No!
[Dr. Green is startled when a anatomical skeleton slams against her lab window and begins speaking]
Charlie: Dr. Green, I've worked myself to the bone! Please, let me go home. I need to rest!
[Dr. Green laughs when all of the students raise up outside of the lab window]
Margo Green: All right, you guys. You can finish tomorrow morning. Go on. Take a hike.
[Charlie waves goodbye with the skeleton hand as the group walks off]
Charlie: I just want to go home.
Charlie: I'm as old as the hills. Mama delivered me herself. She took me from between her legs, bloody little mess. She's about to feed me to the chickens. And daddy said, "Maybe we could use a boy lottie." That's how I came into the world.
Charlie: Don't be afraid. I'm an ugly old man, but I'm harmless.
Charlie: We're sitting ducks if we stay here!
[after breaking through a mirror and seeing blood on the walls in the room beyond]
Charlie: We're definitely through the looking-glass now!
Charlie: So. How'd you guys do?
[Jack looks at Amber appraisingly and suspiciously]
Jack: Has she tried to kill you?
Jack: Then you did better than us.
Charlie: If it killed everyone, then ... where are the bodies? If it didn't, then... where is everybody?
Charlie: This ocean does not require those salt in your tears, Mary.
Charlie: If you try to seek out me, then the people, who try to seek out you, will not get you.
John Frost: Well, don't stand there! Call Scotland Yard!
Charlie: Scotland Yard's in London.
John Frost: Well, what's it doing in London? I want that guy arrested!
Charlie: On what charges?
John Frost: All of them! Impersonation! Forgery! Mayhem!
Bruno's Secretary: [Walks in the room] Mr Frost, I'm...
John Frost: No!
[Secretary quickly exits]
John Frost: Fraud! Slander! Liable! Arson! Well, go on, get out of here!
John Frost: Oh, stabbed in the back!
Jack Daniels: [after been given their work schedule] Thanks Mrs. B. Two pubs, four socials and a bloody jacaranda club.
Charlie: Not a bad week though.
Ron Harding's secretary: Not a bad month.
Charlie: The old swindler's up to something. Whadya up to Balloon Nose?
W. C. Fields: Well if it isn't my old friend, Poison Ivy. How are you blood poison?
Edgar Bergen: Ah, it's good to see you, Bill. I hope there aren't any bad feelings over past misunderstandings.
W. C. Fields: Not at all, not at all, Edgar. I'm full of the spirit of friendship.
Charlie: Really loaded, huh?
Edgar Bergen: Don't you think we should all try to be a little more understanding, Bill?
W. C. Fields: Yes, I do, Edgar. Every time I think of the quarrels we've had, a lump comes up my throat.
Charlie: It's probably a cork!
W. C. Fields: Shadupp, you woodpecker's snack bar. I'll hang a hornets' nest on ya!
Simon: How many kids *will* show, do you think?
Charlie: It's worth taking a look. I mean, a lot of kids'll show because of that strawberry statement.
Charlie: The dean. He said our telling him we had an opinion is like telling him we like strawberries.
Simon: Oh, I love straw - I love strawberries!
Charlie: Oh, schmuck.
Simon: Strawberries? What's he got against strawberries?
Charlie: Must be their color.
Marriage License Clerk: [Reviewing a marriage license] Do you solemly swear that the statements are?... Say! What's the matter with you? You've got the day of your birth down here August 4, 1934. That makes you two years old!
Charlie: That;s right. Next year I'll be eligible for the Kentucky Derby... and if you were marrying a girl like mine, you'd feel that young yourself.
Marriage License Clerk: [Reviewing a marriage license] Do you solemly swear that the statements are?... Say! What's the matter with you? You've got the day of your birth down here August 4, 1934. That makes you two years old!
Charlie: That's right. Next year I'll be eligible for the Kentucky Derby... and if you were marrying a girl like mine, you'd feel that young yourself.
Amy: Mommy thinks your daddy's a psycho.
Erin: Amy! You are not helping.
Charlie: What's a psycho?
Kara: God, I came out here to improve my writing. How... how am I supposed to do that when all my professor wants to do is hit on me?
Charlie: Hit on you?
Kara: Yeah. Yeah, he said he wanted to mentor me but all he wants to do is sleep with me.
Charlie: Wait a second, back up. So he just hit on you, that's what just happened.?
Charlie: That's terrible. Is he cute?
Charlie: You're acting insane Kara, what's going on?
Kara: Don't ever call me that.
Marty Kurtz: I trust you will not immediately foam at the mouth if I add that we are also Israeli citizens.
Marty Kurtz: Unless it's your conviction that Israel should be swept into the sea. Is that your conviction Charlie?
Charlie: Israelis, huh?
Marty Kurtz: Do you feel you are among enemies here?
Charlie: Oh Christ, I don't know what gives you that idea! Oh no, anyone who kidnaps me is a friend for LIFE!
Charlie: Why don't you leave the poor Arabs alone? Why don't you give them back the land you stole from them?
Charlie: So I lied, that only makes us even. I don't see what it has to do with my politics.
Joseph: Possibly they're as much a lie as your past.
Charlie: God damn it, I believe in things. I believe in helping end the suffering.
Charlie: You can't cook or sew, I doubt if you can even knit. You know nothing about life, not what I call life. You're still only a moderate hand on a milling machine and if you had to fend for yourself in the midst of plenty you'd die of starvation. Those are only your bad points. I'm not saying you haven't got any good ones.
Jennifer: You're mighty generous Mr Forbes. As for you, you've no looks, you're old fashioned, morbidly suspicious, dull, and your pipe makes horrible bubbly noises.
Charlie: The world's made up of two kinds of people, you're one sort and I'm the other. Oh, we're together now, there's a war on, we need to be, but what's going to happen when it's over? Shall we go on like this or are we gonna slide back? That's what I want to know. I'm not marrying you Jenny until I'm sure, I'm turning you down without even asking you, do you understand?
Charlie: I ain't never seen three people hung at once. Two maybe... one time over at Judge Parker's tree, but they were indians - that don't count.
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