Charles Quotes in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Charles: [on the answering machine dangling from its wire] April, it's Charles... I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this: You're fired, April. I'm sorry... I know this comes as a blow.

[the wire burns off and the machine falls, hitting a Foot Soldier over the head]

Casey Jones: You can say that again, Chuck.

Charles: [Danny puts on his stolen headphones] See? That's what he does when he wants to ignore me; he sticks his head in those things. I wonder where the hell he GOT those things, anyway.

April O'Neil: [trying to change the subject from Charles giving her security] Hey, Danny, how's school going?

Danny: Fine.

Charles: Oh, wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that I have to drive him there every morning now just to make sure he goes.

Charles: [to his boss, as he is possessed] You know what you would look like with this sandwich up your ass? Like a fat, stupid fuck with a sandwich up his ass!

Charles: It is said that truth always win, but evil never loses...

Charles: Just remember one thing.

Jonah: What's that?

Charles: Watch yourself! Around here you either eat or get eaten.

Jonah: I think I can take care of myself.

Charles: We'll see.

Charles: Peru is dangeorus, you can't just go invade a country because you see them as doing something immoral.

Justine: I know. I just think I should be doing something about the rainforest.

Charles: Sheeta, can you make pudding? I *love* pudding!

Louis: I get to lick the spatula!

Henri: And I like chocolate cake with that... Oh, what's that frosting? It's kinda pink and swirly with...

Dola: Will you shut up?

[to Pazu and Sheeta]

Dola: Ah, what can I tell ya? They just really like dessert.

[after Dola decides to let Pazu and Sheeta become pirates]

Louis: [overjoyed] YES! No more swabbin' the decks! Hooray!

Henri: I won't have to wash the dishes!

Charles: I've peeled my last potato! YEE-HAW!

Louis: WHOOPIE!

Henri: WHEE!

[they all fly around and start celebrating]

Sheeta: [hugging her] Dola!

Dola: Thank goodness you're alive!

Pazu: So are you. This is great!

Papa: No it's not! My poor little ship is gone forever! Boo hoo hoo hoo!

Dola: Stop with the cryin', ya big baby! I'll get you another ship!

Papa: [stops crying] Okay.

Dola: [to Sheeta, softhearted] Oh, poor little thing. There's nothin' worse than having your pigtails shot off!

Sheeta: [reacting to a sharp object beneath Dola's blouse] Or having your eye poked out. What have you got under there?

Dola: Oh, my fault!

[takes out shining gem]

Dola: You must've hurt yourself on these! Now, how'd they get inside my blouse?

Charles: [as pirates take out their hidden jewels] *All* good pirates listen to their Mom!

Louis: That is so true, huh?

[in the galley; Sheeta is cooking when Louis happens by, standing idly around her]

Louis: Ahem.

Sheeta: Uh, yes? What is it?

Louis: [speechless] Uhm...

Sheeta: Yes?

Louis: [blurts out] I-I-I finished my work for the moment, and I've come to offer you my help.

Sheeta: Well, that's kind of you. Will you hand me those plates over there?

Louis: With pleasure, my little ang...

[scowls when he notices one of his brothers peeling a potato]

Louis: What are YOU doing here?

Pirate: Helping.

Louis: I thought you said you had a stomachache!

Charles: [throwing open the door with a rose in hand] I'm in love with you!

Louis: YOU?

Charles: [sheepishly] Hello.

[later, when all the pirates are helping Sheeta in the galley]

Henri: [entering the room casually] Hi, is there anything I can do?

[Dola comes thundering into Pazu's town on her automobile where her boys are brawling with the citizens]

Dola: Full speed ahead!

[to Louis and Henri in the distance]

Dola: Hey, boys!

Louis: Wha - ? Hey, it's Mom!

Louis, Henri: [Dola drives up to Louis and Henri] Hi, Mom!

Dola: [incensed] You chowderheads! Get your brother and hop on!

Louis: [dumbfounded] Huh? But Sheeta's hiding inside that house!

Dola: Lamebrain! They made an escape! Now step on it!

Louis: [jumping onto Dola's car] They ESCAPED?

Henri: [jumps on after Louis] Hey, I wanna come!

Charles: [grabbing onto the back of Dola's car] Mommy!

[after saving Sheeta from the robot, the Dola Gang are flying off. Sheeta is crying against Pazu's shoulder]

Louis: Sheeta, you okay?

Charles: If I did something wrong, I'd really like to apologize for it, Sheeta.

Dola: We *all* did something wrong, wasting our time on these two kids!

Sheeta: [Hitting both Charles and Louis in the head with a coal shovel on the train chase] Take that!

Charles: [dazed] That's a strong little girl!

Louis: [groaning] Uh-huh...

Henri: [Pazu has just returned home; he is about to open the door when suddenly hands reach out to grab him] Well! Ahoy there, matey!

Pazu: Ahh! What's going on?

[he is thrown into his house; cut to Pazu struggling as Henri ties him up]

Henri: Stop wriggling, ya little worm!

Dola: [seated at the dinner table, noisily munching on a steak] Welcome home, sonny!

Pazu: [as Henri pulls a bound Pazu to the wall] Get out! Get out, or I'll throw you out! This is MY house!

Dola: [disdainfully] Oh, ya can't scare me! You can't even protect one small girl!

Pazu: Whaddaya mean?

Henri: [taking out the gold coins Muska gave Pazu] Hey, Mom! Can I keep this money?

Dola: Up and sold a little girl, did ya? I know your type!

Pazu: [protesting] You don't know what you're talking about!

Dola: They offered ya money, and ya took it, didn't you?

Pazu: I only left because Sheeta told me to!

[sighing]

Pazu: That's why.

Dola: [spits in disgust] So ya believed her and ya came back here, right? You're just a SCARED LITTLE BOY WHO RUNS AWAY!

[slams her fist on the table]

Pazu: Says you! You don't even have the guts to stand up to Muska and the army!

Dola: He who turns and runs away can steal the treasure ANOTHER DAY!

Charles: [underneath Dola's line] Mm-hm.

Louis: [dryly] That's so true.

Dola: Don't ya think it's kinda strange that the army has gotten into the kidnapping business?

[takes another big bite on her steak]

Dola: You really think they'll keep her alive? Don't ya see that they forced her to make a deal?

Pazu: [surprised] Huh?

Dola: [downs the rest of her steak] She *saved your life*! Get it?

Louis: [as Pazu hangs his head] Mommy, you amaze me. How do ya know these things?

Dola: Oh, well, ya can't be a sensitive woman like me without learnin' a few things. Sheeta and I are exactly alike: all warm and mushy and sensitive!

[belches]

Dola: Now, so when you boys get married, you go find a gal like her!

Louis: [dumbfounded] Huh? She's gonna end up... like Mama?

Charles: Good question.

Charles: [both have just seen Bernie fall back flat, dead after turning the music off] Ain't this a bitch!

Henry: Dead!

Charles: As a doornail!

Charles: Come on, let's get him!

Charles: [Charles and Henry have been turned into goats and are being led on rope leashes by the dead zombie, Bernie] Ain't this a bitch?

Henry: Where's he taking us?

Charles: I don't know. Well, at least we get to see the carnival.

Henry: Yeah, but I didn't think we was gonna *be*, the carnival.

Charles: what kind of name is Mobu anyways, sounds like some kind of car wax, Mobu.

Charles: Hey Henry check out that fine mamma she is fine.

Henry: Oh yeah. Charles you're starting to frighten me.

[Henry & Charles finds Larry & Richard asleep in the hotel lobby. They wake Larry & Richard up with a punch]

Larry Wilson: [both are awaken; shocked] What, what? I don't have any money, man! I don't...

Charles: All right, all right. Now y'all just be cool, man. Just be cool.

[Larry chuckles nervously]

Henry: [to Richard] How are you doing?

Richard Parker: Fine, thank you. How are you?

Henry: Shh.

Charles: Where the dead man at?

Larry Wilson: Oh, he's in the Jeep. You can have him.

Charles: No, no, no, my brotha. He is NOT in the Jeep! Where is he?

Richard Parker: Well, what do you mean?

Larry Wilson: He's in the Jeep.

Richard Parker: Did you try that red Jeep?

Henry: [to Richard] Uh-uh.

Richard Parker: You're kidding?

[to Larry]

Richard Parker: He's not there.

Henry: Yo, man, what are we gonna do with there two?

Charles: I know what. We're gonna take them to the Mobu and let them explain to HER, that way SHE gonna understand that WE gonna be cool and they gonna be exactly where we is!

Richard Parker: [confused] Huh?

Henry: Oh, yeah. Then we can blame them.

Charles: We're gonna try.

Richard Parker: Say how would you fellas like a margarita?

Larry Wilson: [laughs] On me!

[At the Mobu's compound]

Mobu: [scolds Henry and Charles] You've lost them.

Charles: Well, not-not exactly. Um...

Henry: Anybody could have.

Mobu: Twice. He was going to lead you to the money.

Charles: Oh, yes, but Bu, I know. We messed with the bones and that fool with the conjure, and now he can only walk when the music playing. We're sorry.

Mobu: Where is he now?

Charles, Henry: [points to Richard and Larry] The white boys.

Richard Parker: Um...

Larry Wilson: He - We don't know where he is.

Richard Parker: We left him in the Jeep, dead.

Larry Wilson: Deceased.

Charles: Yeah, but ask them what they was doing at the bank with Bernie?

Larry Wilson: Well... Rich - No. Well, we needed him to get into the safety deposit box

Mobu: What was in the box?

Larry Wilson: A map.

Cartel Man #1: [the cartel mobsters come towards Richard and Larry] Give me the map.

Richard Parker: We don't have it.

Larry Wilson: We don't have the map.

Richard Parker: No map.

Cartel Man #1: [to his partner] Kill them.

[Richard and Larry protests, yelling about whose fault it is]

Mobu: [to the mobsters] If we kill them, we both lose. I have another way.

[the Mobu takes a cup and scoops out a concoction. Then walks to Richard]

Mobu: Drink.

Richard Parker: [hesitant] I'd love to. You see, I just had lunch...

[Cartel Man #1 hold Richard at gunpoint]

Richard Parker: ... but there's always room for Jell-O.

[Charles is searching the porn theater for the escaped chicken, and comes across a movie patron with a chicken in his lap and tries to take it]

Movie Patron: What are you doing?

Charles: Oh, I lost the chicken.

Movie Patron: No, no, no. This chicken's with me.

Charles: Nothing's ever for sure, John. That's the only sure thing I do know.

Nash: In competitive behavior someone always loses.

Charles: Well, my niece knows that, John, and she's about this high.

Nash: See if I derive an equilibrium where prevalence is a non-singular event where nobody loses, can you imagine the effect that would have on conflict scenarios, arm negotiations...

Charles: When did you last eat?

Nash: ...currency exchange?

Charles: When did you last eat? You know, food.

Nash: You have no respect for cognitive reverie, you know that?

Charles: Yes. But pizza - now, pizza I have enormous respect for. And of course beer.

[leaves]

Nash: [throws stuff down and follows] I have respect for beer. I have respect for beer!

Charles: Her husband was too drunk to know he was too drunk to drive.

Charles: So what's your story? You the poor kid that never got to go to Exeter or Andover?

Nash: Despite my privileged upbringing, I'm actually quite well-balanced. I have a chip on both shoulders.

Charles: [offering Nash a flask of whiskey] Listen. If we can't break the ice, how 'bout we drown it?

Charles: That Isaac Newton fellow was right.

Nash: He was on to something.

Charles: Clever boy.

Charles: Mathematics... mathematics is never going to lead you to higher truth and you know why? Because it's boring!

[showing Charles one of his window equations]

Nash: This is a group playing touch football. This is a flock of pigeons fighting over bread crumbs. And this is a woman chasing a man who stole her purse.

Charles: John, you watched a mugging. That's weird.

Charles: It's not my problem and it's not your problem. It's their problem. Your answers are not on that wall. They're out there, where you've been working.

Charles: Is my roommate a dick?

[John meets Charles' niece]

Nash: She's so small.

Charles: Well, she's young, John. That's how they come.

Charles: When's the last time you ate? You know... food.

Charles: The prodigal roommate arrives.

Charles: I arrived last night. Right in time for English Department cocktails. The cock was mine. The tail belonged to a lovely young thing with a passion for D.H. Lawrence.

Charles: Officer, I saw the driver who hit me. His name was Johny Walker.

Tony Wilson: This morning I was doing a story about an elephant being washed by a midget.

Charles: He's a dwarf.

Tony Wilson: It doesn't matter!

Charles: Well, it matters to him.

Charles: The world wins with the fame of our armies! And we shall win still greater glories for Sweden!

Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.

Charles: Ha.

Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!

Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?

Delia: [smiles] Okay.

[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]

Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.

Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.

Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.

Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?

Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!

Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.

Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.

Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a dark room in the basement, okay?

Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.

Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

Charles: Delia Deetz, welcome home.

Delia: [being kissed] Charles...

Charles: It's okay, there's no damage. See? It's okay. A good sturdy comfy craftsmanship. And look at that kitchen. You're finally gonna be able to cook a decent meal.

[reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead]

Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.

[Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]

Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.

[a head sculpture of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]

Charles: Jeez!

[Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpture up and smiles]

Delia: He likes it.

Otho: Oh, you family types, you got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight. You got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. I can only do so much.

Charles: What are you gonna do, Otho, viciously rearrange their enviroment?

Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.

Lydia: I was just trying to open the door. Mrs. Butterfield brought over a skeleton key.

Charles: Let me have it.

Lydia: But it doesn't work.

[She hands her father the key. He looks at it and throws it in the corner]

Charles: Skeleton keys never work. Anyway, this can wait. We'll get a crowbar later. Where's your mother?

Lydia: Stepmother.

Charles: I'm going down to relax. I want a noise-free zone. Do you understand? Noise-free.

[he goes down the stairs]

Lydia: Dad?

Charles: [irritated, over his shoulder] What?

Lydia: I'm lonely.

Charles: What?

Lydia: Nothing.

Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart...

[kisses her and forces her out his study room]

Charles: Go help your mother.

Lydia: Maybe *you* can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.

Delia: [as Bernard, Grace, and Beryl leaves not convinced of the ghost] This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all just experienced a super-powerful, paranormal experience, and it was real.

Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.

[Bernard slams the door as he leaves]

Charles: Drive carefully!

Delia: [aghast] I'm dead.

Charles: Nice building... bad roof... goooood parking.

Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage?

Charles: Uh, security.

Winston: That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' fucking use it?

Charles: Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.

Winston: Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?

Willie: Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?

Winston: The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep *the fucking cage locked!* What is that?

Willie: That's Gloria.

Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?

Willie: Fertilizer.

Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.

Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.

Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle.

Willie: What do you mean?

Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie.

[Discussing their careers as marijuana growers]

J: I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.

Charles: Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.

Charles: Stanford? That's impressive. I knew a girl from Stanford once. Twice actually.

[Charles comes running after Carrie]

Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...

Carrie: That was very romantic.

Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

Charles: How do you do, my name is Charles.

Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!

Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.

Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!

Charles: No, no.

Charles: Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time l've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But l'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.

Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night?"

Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.

Carrie: Just before I go, when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?

Charles: Uhh... I'm sorry, whose engagement?

Carrie: Ours. I assumed, since we slept together, that we would be getting married. What did you think?

Charles: [looks surprised] What? I'm... gosh, you know, that's, umm... It takes a lot of thinking, that kind of thing, I mean, uhh... Obviously, I'm...

[chuckles and relaxes]

Charles: You're joking.

[Carrie chuckles as well]

Charles: God... For a moment there, I thought I was in "Fatal Attraction". I though you were... Glenn Close, and I was gonna get home and find my pet rabbit in the stove.

Carrie: No... But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.

Charles: Uh-huh.

Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.

Charles: Which is?

Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.

Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!

Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.

Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

Charles: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?

Fiona: The name's Carrie.

Charles: Pretty.

Fiona: American.

Charles: Interesting.

Fiona: Slut.

Charles: Really?

Fiona: Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now. Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league.

Charles: Well, that's a relief. Thanks.

Charles: Yes, it's odd, isn't it? All these years we've been single and proud of it and never noticed that two of us were, in effect, married all this time.

Tom: Traitors in our midst.

Charles: [thinking they're running really late] Time.

Matthew: Honestly?

Charles: Yes! Time!

Matthew: It's about ten to nine.

[Charles runs off, realises what Matthew said and returns to the car]

Charles: Bastards.

Charles: Perhaps we should've got married.

Henrietta: No! I'd have had to marry your friends, and I'm not sure I could take Fiona.

Charles: Fiona loves you.

Henrietta: Fiona calls me Duckface.

Charles: Well, I never heard that.

[Henrieta leavs and Fiona aproaches]

Fiona: How's Duckface?

Charles: Good form actually, not too mad.

Father Gerald: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, & the Holy Spirit, Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a mystery. A symbol of Christ's love for his children. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ our Lord who lives and wraiths with you and the Holy Ghoat. Eh *Ghost.* One God, forever and ever, Amen.

Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.

Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!

Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...

Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...

Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...

Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin Delainey...

Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.

Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.

Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

Lydia: I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...

Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...

Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.

Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.

Father Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...

Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...

Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.

Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful* wedded wife.

Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.

Congregation: Amen!

Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!

[Everyone cheers]

Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?

Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.

Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.

Charles: Tom, are you the richest man in England?

Tom: Oh, no. We're... like, seventh.

Carrie: Having a good night?

Charles: Yes. It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.

[Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress]

Charles: It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yecch!

Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?

Carrie: I do.

Vomiting Veronica: [to her husband about going to India with Charles] Charles was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.

Charles: I was only trying to cheer you up, V.

Naughty Nicki: Oh, you're that Veronica!

Vomiting Veronica: Which Veronica? Charlie?

Charles: [trying to change the subject] Remember Bombay?

Naughty Nicki: When Charles and I were going out, he told me he had this interesting journey around India with Vomiting Veronica

[smiles]

Naughty Nicki: I think that was it.

Charles: [Embarrassed] I don't remember - maybe I did.

Mocking Martha: Oh, come on Charles! I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet. I remember you going on about this one girl - Helena wasn't it... whose mother made a pass at you...

Vomiting Veronica: I remember this! You couldn't work it out whether or not it'd be impolite not to accept her advances!

Naughty Nicki: Helena was Ms. Piggy! So her mother was Mrs. Piggy!

[all laugh]

Miss Piggy: [who's been with them the whole time] We've both lost a lot of weight since then!

[Charles is translating what his brother David is saying about Carrie in sign language]

David: [signing] Beautiful breasts.

Charles: Err, he says, "That's a beautiful place. Hilly."

Gareth: We had the most delightful girl at our table. Carrie, apparently her fiancé's terribly grand and owns half of Scotland. How about you?

Charles: I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell, ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next thing I'll bump into Henrietta and the nightmare will be complete.

Henrietta: Hello Charles.

Charles: Hello Hen, how are you?

[Hen bursts into tears]

David: How are you doing?

Charles: You remember the time you started dad's boat and the propeller cut my leg to shreds?

David: Yeah?

Charles: This is worse.

[Charles and David are conversing in sign language with Carrie present]

Charles: We were buying her a wedding dress.

David: Pathetic excuse. Who's she marrying?

Charles: Some total penis.

David: What is it about penises that they get such great wives?

Fiona: There's a sort of greatness to your lateness.

Charles: Thanks, it's not achieved without real suffering.

Charles: What turn off? Better not be the B359.

Scarlett: It's the B359.

Charles: Fuck it!

Henrietta: Charles! Charles, we must talk.

Charles: Right.

Henrietta: The thing is, Charlie, l've spoken to lots of people about you. Everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.

Charles: Am l?

Henrietta: You see, you're turning into a kind of serial monogamist. One girlfriend after another, yet you never really let anyone near you. On the contrary... You're affectionate to them and sweet to them. Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot.

Charles: I did not.

Henrietta: You did. I thought U2 was a type of submarine.

Charles: In a way, you were right. Their music has a naval quality.

Henrietta: Be serious, Charles. Give people a chance. You don't have to think 'I must get married', but you mustn't start relationships thinking 'I mustn't get married'.

Charles: Most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along.

Henrietta: Charlie! Oh, God! The way you used to look at me! I just misread it, that's all. I thought you were going to propose and you were just working out how to leave.

[having just seen Carrie at his own wedding]

Charles: Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to, ah, say in this magnificent place of worship... Bugger! Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!

[first lines]

Charles: [wakes up and looks at his bedside clock] Oh... *fuck*! Fuck!

[Charles and Carrie are in bed after the first wedding, removing each other's clothes]

Carrie: What about this? Do you think a vicar would think... things had slipped just a little bit... out of his control?

Charles: I think he might. This kind of thing is really meant... to bring the honeymoon into the service itself.

Carrie: Why do you think it's called "honeymoon"?

Charles: Um, I don't know... I suppose it's, uh, "honey" because it's sweet as honey, and "moon" because it's the first time a husband got to see his wife's bottom.

Scarlett: What are you up to today?

Charles: Oh, yeah. I'm a... Well, I'm taking advantage of the fact that for the first time in my entire life, it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.

Charles: Excuse me. I think I had better be where other people are not.

Charles: All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm... eh... em... eh... still thinking.

Matthew: Well, can I ask about what?

Charles: No... no... I think, best not.

Charles: Disastrous haircut.

Carrie: Our timing has been very bad.

Charles: Yes it has been. Very bad.

Carrie: It's been a disaster.

Charles: It has been, as you say, very bad indeed.

Charles: Fuck-a-doodle-doo!

Matthew: Sorry we're so late. The others are just parking the car, I thought we'd all go with Tom.

Charles: Late? So late?

Matthew: Yeah. It's 9:45.

Charles: 9:45?

Matthew: Yep. 45 minutes until "I do".

Charles: Another wedding invitation. And a list. Lovely.

Charles: There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.

Carrie: Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?

Trent: A day.

Mike: Tomorrow.

Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.

Trent: Yeah.

Mike: So two days?

Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.

Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.

Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?

Sue: Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.

Trent: Yeah, two's enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...

Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.

Charles: Then ask her where you met her.

Mike: Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we fucked. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?

Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.

Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?

Trent, Sue: Six days.

[repeated line]

Charles: This place is dead anyways.

Sue: What? Come guys I couldn't back down, that guy called me a bitch we kept our "rep" bro.

Charles: Man, fuck "rep" I got a call back tomorrow!

Charles: Does this Fred play rough?

Elizabeth: Only with me.

Charles: Jesus.

Les: [while chasing the drunk man in the Beatle car] I don't care what you say to the man just get him to pull over.

Charles: The man is a drunken lunatic don't you think this is a little bit dangerous.

Les: Your telling about dangerous, Charles you want to know whats dangerous. Me going home and having to explain to my father that this piece of shit is my Grandfather's Cadillac.

Charles: We're going to be locked up with men who murdered, and raped, and robbed convenience stores.

Charles: The global financial melt-down is something that happened to other people, wasn't Madsen?

Richard: I warned you about those sub-primes. Greed's only good when it comes to lunch.

Mia Thompson: Nice equipment.

Charles: Excuse me?

Mia Thompson: The computers.

Charles: Even though I almost destroyed it, I know you still have a heart.

Charles: You know I don't deal with your kind anymore.

Jamison: My kind? Brother, before you was defendin' all those rich white boys, it was MY KIND that got you down.

Charles: I'm goin' home...

Jamison: [interrupts Charles] HOME? Oh, how quickly we forget. I ran so much coke for you back in the day, I PAID for that house.

Helen: Are you hungry?

[Charles nods]

Helen: Oh, maybe you should go into the kitchen and get yourself something to eat, huh?

Charles: [crying] Christina...

Helen: [calling] Christina!

[grins]

Helen: Christina's gone! Your little tramp didn't leave her any money to pay her, so she just left, like your slut. She packed up all her things, and a few of yours, and split. In fact, she cleaned out your bank account.

[laughing]

Helen: Isn't that just too much? You tried to keep it from me, and she just took it all. Huh? Huh? You are like so many men, Charles, you'd rather leave with trash than make it work with something good. You're a coward.

Helen: [after Charles reveals he's been cheating] Charles, you're not leaving.

Charles: You're right. You are.

Charles: [a car horn makes three long blasts to indicate that Ernest is a P3] Who's that?

Jason: That's the upper-class men. They flash their lights to say what rank they think we should get. Hey Charles, what's up with your socks?

Charles: Don't worry about my socks man, it's a tuba thang shorty.

Jason: Better be.

Charles: Man, it won't be the same without you.

Devon: It's all about the tubas now.

Charles: What do you mean? It's *always* been about the tubas, shorty.

Jason: Well, you know how Dr. Lee is about time.

Devon: Yeah.

[in Dr. Lee's voice]

Devon: "You're on time if you're five minutes early; you're late if you're on time."

Charles: Look, Friday night, in my living room, be there, alright?

Charles: [Charlie is asked to join the Special Elite Task Force] Wait a minute, are we getting paid extra for this? Because it seems like...

Ronnie Barnhardt: Let me ask you something - how much did they get paid to storm Normandy, how much did King Arthur get paid to kill Merlin, how much did they get paid to invent Television? Nothing. They did it because they knew it was right.

Charles: You hooked me like a fish, Bender. You scaled me, you gutted me, you stuffed me and fried me, chewed me up, swallowed me, and shat me out again!

Pfister: The lights have gone out, madam.

Charles: [Pfister gets a mocking aplause from everyone] Good old Pfister, soon figured that one out.

[last lines]

Charles: I'm the golden boy in this family... NOT Cousin Larry

[hitting Larry]

Charles: I'm Smarter than Cousin Larry... I'm better looking than Cousin Larry... and I'm gonna be a hellava lot richer than...

Charles: [noticing that Vickie has seen the phone line is dead] Larry's not the only actor in the family

Vickie Pearle: You murdering skunk

Vickie Pearle: [shrugs as he dons black gloves] I'm just trying to earn a buck

Scott: [about pet frog] So what happened here?

Charles: Sampson passed away.

Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. That really sucks. How'd it happened?

Charles: I'm in the middle of an investigation. Could be foul play.

Scott: Charles, I've spent the better half of the past 8 years in and out of hospitals.

Charles: Are you a doctor?

Katherine: Your Uncle Scott is old like, you know, me and your dad, but he still has a lot of growing up to do, like you guys.

Charles: I don't think Uncle Scott knows how to grow up.

[last lines]

Charles: I don't know how a person is supposed to act when someone they love dies. I guess everyone reacts in different ways. I was lucky enough to know Uncle Scott for a grand total of four days, and here's how I would sum him up in three lines. He was a fire-bellied toad who took a chance and became a prince for a day.

Charles: If you wikipedia "dead", it says that it is the permanent termination of all biological functions that sustain living organisms. What it doesn't tell you is how to cope with that.

Charles: And I have no right to be in your cabin.

Jean: Why?

Charles: I'm married.

Jean: But so am I, darling. So am I.

Charles: Do you think they're dancing anyplace on board?

Jean: Don't you think we ought to go to bed?

Charles: You're certainly a funny girl for anybody to meet who's just been up the Amazon for a year.

Jean: Good thing you weren't up there two years.

Charles: A girl of sixteen's practically an idiot anyway, so I can't very well blame you for something that was practically done by somebody else.

Charles: [unaware he has been targeted by a couple of card sharps] Have you seen this one?

[performs childish sleight-of-hand trick]

Jean: Look, he does card tricks!

Jean: What were you doing up the Amazon?

Charles: Looking for snakes. I'm an ophiologist.

Jean: I thought you were in the beer business.

Charles: Beer? Ale!

Jean: What's the difference?

Charles: Between beer and ale?

Jean: Yes.

Charles: My father'd burst a blood vessel if he heard you say that. There's a big difference. Ale's sort of fermented on the top or something, and beer's fermented on the bottom, or maybe it's the other way around. There's no similarity at all. You see, the trouble with being descended from a brewer, no matter how long ago he brewed it, or whatever you call it, you're supposed to know all about something you don't give a hoot about.

Steward: Breakfast, sir?

Charles: What'd you say?

Steward: I said, "Breakfast, sir?"

Charles: Two scotch and sodas with plain water. You take it plain, don't you?

Jean: Don't you take cream and sugar?

Charles: No, I always drink it black.

[pause]

Charles: Say, what am I talking about?

Jean: That's what I was wondering.

Steward: How about a nice bicarbonate of soda with an egg in it? It does wonders!

Charles: There's just one thing. I feel it's only fair to tell you. It'd never of happened except she looked so exactly like you.

Charles: [sniffs] Holy Moses!

Jean: What's the matter?

Charles: That perfume!

Jean: What's the matter with it?

Charles: Well, it's just that I've been up the Amazon for a year and they don't use perfume.

Jean: [snuggling happily] Oh, you don't know what you've done to me.

Charles: [worried] Terribly sorry.

Jean: Oh, that's all right.

Charles: They look too much alike to be the same.

Charles: You ought to put handles on that skull. Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.

Charles: What I am trying to say is - only I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist - I've always loved you. I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.

Charles: Snakes are my life, in a way.

Jean: What a life!

Charles: [speaking of card playing] Now you, on the other hand, with a little coaching you could be terrific.

Jean: Do you really think so?

Charles: Yes, you have a definite nose.

Jean: Well, I'm glad you like it. Do you like any of the rest of me?

Jean: [spotting Charles] Oh, there he is!

Charles: [entering back among the party guests] I had to change my coat.

Mr. Pike: Well, don't knock the table over.

Jean: Don't you like my perfume?

Charles: Like it? I'm cockeyed on it.

Jean: Why, Hopsi, you aught to be kept in a cage.

Chauffeur: [spoiled rich kid Charles arrives at camp in a limousine] Get out.

Charles: Announce me.

Chauffeur: I will not!

Charles: [in a bratty tone] I'll tell my father.

Chauffeur: [in a loud voice] Sir Charles Winthrop, the Turd.

Charles: THIRD, moron. Aaaaagh.

Charles: [Charles comes down the stoop stairs and sees Claudine sitting there] I knew it all the time. I knew that nigga was gonna walk out on you. I knew that! It's your own damn fault. That's right- don't blame nobody but yourself! You had the six kids!

Claudine: That's right! Six kids- that's right! That's all I got in this world- my children.

Charles: I hate them.

Claudine: Get away from me, Charles!

Charles: I knew I had nothing but I have to share what I ain't got.

Claudine: My son, the black revolutionary. You ain't nothing but a snot-nosed coward. That's what you are.

Charles: Yeah, that's right. That's what you want me to be, Mama? Why do you think Francis the way we is? He's being exactly what you want him to be- invisible.

Claudine: You're a damn crybaby.

Charles: I don't know why you didn't kill me when I was born.

Claudine: Oh, you talk crazier every day!

Charles: If you loved me, you would have killed me like those women back on the plantations. They killed their kids so they wouldn't have to be slaves.

Claudine: I guess I didn't love my children because I wanted them to live.

Charles: Yeah, so you told us to be afraid, right?

Claudine: You better be afraid! You better be afraid- this world out there will kill you.

Charles: How can frightened people change anything?

Claudine: There ain't no other kind of people, Charles. I'm scared all the time, but I do my job. If you ain't scared, you don't have need for guts.

Charles: What you gonna do now?

Claudine: I'm gonna get some sleep and I'm going to work tomorrow.

Charles: Well, as you crawl into bed, you take a look at Charlene's tits. Good night, Grandma.

Duke d'Escargot: What brings you to Paris?

Claude: Oh, you might say a little business...

Charles: ...and a little pleasure.

Duke d'Escargot: Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure?

Charles: Well that depends on what you regard as business.

Claude: And, what you may regard as pleasure!

Duke d'Escargot: In Paris we say, business is pleasure.

Charles: And to us, pleasure is our business.

Duke d'Escargot: Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business.

Claude: Unless, some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure.

Duke d'Escargot: In that case sir I will show you my business.

Claude: My pleasure.

[there are two sets of brothers, a brother from one set has unknowingly spoken to a brother from another set when their actual brothers arrive]

Philippe: How did you get here so fast?

Pierre: I took a secret passageway.

Charles: How did you get here so fast?

Claude: I took a secret passage.

Charles: She's beautiful. I like the king's plan.

Claude: What are you talking about?

Charles: She'll never marry Escargot, it'll be a pleasure killing that swine!

Claude: You've forgotten who you are? You'd be lucky to run the girl through.

Charles: Oh, yeah.

Charles: Do be gracious. We're not in Corsica.

Claude: I don't car... kare? care?

Charles: Care.

Claude: Care where we are. I don't think this is suitable for the occasion.

Zazie: Are you a homosessual?

Charles: I look like a fruit?

Zazie: No, you're the driver.

Charles: You see?

Zazie: See what? So why aren't you married?

Charles: Can't find my dream girl.

Zazie: You're a snob.

Zazie: What makes him a homosessual? 'Cause he wears perfume?

Charles: You got it.

Zazie: That's no crime.

Charles: Of course not.

Uncle Gabriel: I've tried dream analysis.

Charles: What do you dream of?

Uncle Gabriel: Wet nurses.

Zazie: When's the strike over?

Uncle Gabriel: Dunno. I don't do politics.

Charles: It ain't politics. It's about bucks.

Zazie: Mister, you ever go on strike?

Charles: Gotta, to get fares hiked.

Zazie: [Referring to Charlie's taxi] You oughta pay people to ride in this stinking crate!

Zazie: You must be repressed. Wait for me. Tell me about your hang-ups. You scared of women?

Charles: There she goes again! Sexuality all over the place, all the time! Excrementation! Putrefaction! All dames have one-track minds!

Charles: Gabriel? Mado Pettifoot and me just got engaged. Yep, we're marrying. It won't change nothing, except when we bang away, it'll be legal.

Uncle Gabriel: We gotta celebrate. Come to the club tonight to see my new number. Tell Albertine to hurry with my dress.

Charles: I became rich at a single stroke. My uncle had the stroke yesterday.

Troy: You ever been inside, Reverend? In the joint?

Charles: Yes, sir.

Troy: Well, then you know. Guy who has a past, guy who's made mistakes. They say they forgive you, but they never do. They're always lookin' at ya, tryin' to catch ya at something. All we want... heck, all anybody wants, is justice.

Charles: What about that girl who sings?

Mrs. Richardson: Every man has a girl who sings someplace in his life.

Janice Trimble: He doesn't really like being touched.

Charles: Yeah, that makes two of us.

Charles: It's so important to prioritize.

Theodore: I can't even prioritize between video games and Internet porn.

Amy: I would laugh if that weren't true.

Tyler: [barges into his father's meeting after he doesn't show up to Caroline's art show]

[holds up Caroline's picture]

Tyler: She drew you a picture! She drew you a picture, and you didn't come.

Charles: Put it on the table.

Tyler: You have a daughter who sincerely believes that you don't like her. I mean, she's trying to communicate. She's speaking. But why aren't you listening? I mean, why aren't you

[raises his tone]

Tyler: riveted! Why isn't this the most important thing? Just one night!

Man in Charles' Meeting: We can come back...

[starts rising out of the seat, along with the other people in the meeting]

Charles: No, sit down.

[they sit back down]

Charles: [turns to Tyler] Who is this display for?

Tyler: It's for you.

Charles: She knows I'll take care of her.

Tyler: [stifles a laugh] And?

Man in Charles' Meeting: We... really can come back...

[rises again]

Charles: Sit the fuck down!

[they sit back down]

Charles: [turns to Tyler again] I love her.

[Tyler rolls his eyes]

Charles: Good God, you toss that word around but you have no idea what it means.

Tyler: Maybe I don't. Maybe Caroline doesn't either...

Charles: I provided her world, and yours.

Tyler: That doesn't mean you can't just shatter it! How do you feel, when you have something better to do?

Charles: Who the hell do you think you're talking to? You pedaled down here on your bike, for Christ's sake! You're gonna take care of nothing! You're responsible for no one! You're a kid! You think you're the first one to lose anything? You think, that whatever you feel in your heart, I don't also feel it in mine?

Tyler: [referring to Michael] You didn't find him. Okay? I found him. And you're just so... tragically blind that you think the rest of your children are just gonna hang themselves...

Charles: [charges toward Tyler] You little piece of...

Tyler: [People in the meeting separate them] What!

Charles: You could do worse than have a father who bails you out of jail.

Tyler: I don't wanna be bailed out of anything.

[from trailer]

Caroline Hawkins: Why do you think Dad doesn't wanna spend time with me?

Charles: She knows I'll take care of her.That's all there is, Tyler.

Tyler: 'That's all there is?' Not enough.

[from trailer]

Tyler: Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner.

Charles: How many?

Tyler: Three.

Lewellen: What do you want?

Charles: I want you to come in and sing with me.

Lewellen: I don't feel good.

Charles: I know, missie, I know.

Lewellen: I wanna go home.

Charles: Just come in and sing one song with me first.

Lewellen: Leave me alone.

Charles: I ain't goin' to.

Lewellen: I really don't want to!

Charles: What you gonna do with that hole? When what you love is stolen and ripped away from you, there's a hole there. You got to fill all those empty hollow places. You gotta fill 'em when they turn mean. They turn mean and eat you alive.

Lewellen: You're just a nigger, you know. You're just a nigger.

Charles: So are you, missie.

Lewellen: No, I ain't.

Charles: Oh yes, miss, you are. You're lettin' 'em make you one. It's the way people treat you that makes you a nigger. The way people put you down, call you names, spit on you, mess with you. People try to make you hate yourself, take away all the things you love the most. You gonna let 'em do that to you? I ain't sayin' life ain't hard. It is. But you can't let 'em win.

[Lewellen starts to cry]

Lewellen: I can't shake no more.

Charles: You don't have to shake. If you stand still, you can reach deeper into the sound.

Lewellen: I can't sing.

Charles: It's hidin' in the dark, Lewellen. Stand still and reach down deep.

Lewellen: [singing slowly] You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. You ain't never caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine.

Jean: You'd better wipe the lipstick off - the old girls might notice.

Charles: You mean the old girls know the facts of life?

Jean: They may know them, but they don't like them.

Hammond Maxwell: Cousin Charles, What the hell you doing, kissin on the mouth?

[Charles throws Katie to bed, removes his belt, and whips her with it]

Hammond Maxwell: What you doin that fer?

Charles: Makes a man feel good. She likes it too. Don't you pretty wench?

Katie: [Crying] Yes, master.

Grace: Charles. You look so different.

Charles: Sometimes I bleed.

Charles: I just came home to say goodbye to my wife and children.

Grace: Where are you going?

Charles: To the front.

Grace: I thought the war was over.

Charles: The war is not over.

Grace: You're not going. You left us once already. YOU CAN'T GO! Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had NOTHING TO DO WITH US? Why didn't you stay like the others did?

Charles: The others surrendered.

Grace: We are all surrendered, what did you expect? What were you trying to prove by going to war? Your place was here with your family. I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? You want to leave not because of the war, you want to leave me, remember when you told me "I know a place where no one can bother our children when they are playing"?

Charles: [enters Anne and Nicholas' bedroom]

[quietly]

Charles: How are my little ones?

Anne: [excited] Daddy!

[she hugs Charles]

Anne: Why did you take so long?

Charles: [smiles when he sees Nicholas] Hello Nicholas.

[Nicholas hugs him]

Anne: [to Nicholas] I told you, you see! I told you he'd come back!

Charles: [as he hugs the children] Have you both been well-behaved?

Anne: We've been very good.

Charles: Have you been good to your Mother?

Nicholas: Very good. We study every day for our First Communion.

Anne: [pauses] Daddy, did you kill anyone?

Charles: I'm an investigative journalist for The Herald.

Mallick: The Herald? That's a massive accomplishment you work for a gossip rag!

Charles: Bite your fucking tongue.

Charles: [to Mallick] Playing with matches again?

Pickett Smith: [Looking at Kenneth, dead on the ground in the greenhouse] Is there a place where we can put him?

Charles: Yes sir, I'll show you.

William Porter: Why should I share this with my employers? I developed the strain.

Charles: Yes I know, but ethically you're still bound...

William Porter: Fuck ethics!

Charles: My, my, my, William. I do believe that is the first time I've ever heard you swear.

[last lines]

Charles: This is just the beginning, Hans. Soon we'll be shipping all over the world.

June: Earlier she was making me really nervous, her behavior. I think she was sick or something. So...

Charles: Yeah.

June: I guess it'd be good for her to run around, play with other dogs.

Charles: Definitely. Definitely good for her to get out. Spread her wings... spread her... spread her... spread her legs. Spread her...

June: I don't think that's what you mean.

Father: I don't know what's wrong with me.

Charles: Maybe it was the dog. Maybe you're allergic to the dog.

Father: I'm not allergic to the dog. I hate the dog, but I'm not allergic to the dog.

Charles: That's Reed, my buddy. We're just hanging out at the bar, just trying to get people to get drinks, asking everyone at the bar if they want a drink.

Char at the Bar: Ok.

Charles: And, uh, you didn't want one. So...

Char at the Bar: No, I'm good. Thanks.

Charles: Yeah.

Gray-Haired Noble: If Louie lives, he will absorb our castles, lands, dukedoms.

Bearded Noble: He would make one nation of France, and that nation his.

Charles: Making nobles of peasants; peasants of nobles.

Charles: One of my men will make himself known to you. He will call himself a lover of good wine. You will ask the color of wine and he will answer "The color of royal blood."

Bearded Noble: To save the shedding of blood, might we not still parley with the spider?

Charles: You do not parley with a spider, you squash him!

Sam: What do you want from a child her age? She never even went to Woodstock!

Charles: Neither did we.

Sam: But we *could* have.

Charles: That's true.

Susan: Listen, Woodstock was just a bunch of naked stoners looking for a place to pee. I saw the movie!

Clara: [at Thanksgiving dinner] How are you parents, Sam? Where are they living?

Sam: Well, my fathers living in an apartment on Lee Road and my mother's still in the house.

Clara: Did you hear that Charles? Sam's parents aren't living together!

Charles: You knew that, mom! Sam's parents haven't lived together since Sam and I were in the eighth grade.

Clara: I certainly did not know that! That must make you very sad, Sam.

Sam: I'm accustomed to it.

Clara: Brave boy!

Charles: Do you want me to get the food, mother?

Clara: What food?

Charles: The turkey!

Clara: There isn't any turkey.

Charles: Well, whatever it is that you prepared, would you like me to go into the kitchen and get it?

Clara: I didn't prepare anything. There isn't any dinner. Ha ha. There isn't any dinner!

Sam: I guess the joke's on us.

Clara: [laughing hysterically] That's right. The joke's on you!

Blind Man: What do you want?

Charles: [laughing crazily] What do I want? I wanna marry Laura. I thought everybody knew that. I'd even settle for living with her. What do I want? Let's talk about what I have. You know what I have? I have, I have... an unemployed jacket salesman living in my spare room, I have a mother that won't get out of the bathtub, I have a sister that always wants me to be happy, I have a stepfather that wants me to take disco lessons and I have a secretary that wants me to throw parties so that she can make dips. And I have this boss that wants *me* to give his son advice on his sexual problems!

Blind Man: You've been up all night. That only makes things look worse.

Charles: Yeah? I really thought I was having a nervous breakdown for a second there.

Blind Man: [sympathetically] Oh, sure!

Charles: [listening to Janis Joplin's 'Get It While You Can'] Janis, how can I get it if she won't come out of her A-frame?

Charles: What's your name?

Laura: Laura Connelly

Charles: What a...

Laura: [finishing his sentence] "What a beautiful name."

Charles: No, no. I wasn't gonna say that. I wasn't gonna say "What a beautiful name." I was gonna say "What a coincidence!"

Laura: What?

Charles: That your name is Laura. My name is Charles.

Laura: I don't get it. What's the coincidence?

Charles: There isn't any. Just wanted to tell you my name.

Charles: The day my grandfather killed himself, he went hunting and shot two grouse. After the funeral, my grandmother cleaned and cooked the grouse.

Charles: [examining a movie poster for a skin flick] You're prettier than she is.

Laura: Now I'm prettier than a porno star. Would you stop it?

Charles: Stop what?

Laura: We go to movies and you say I look better than the movie stars. We go to the best restaurant in town and you say I'm a better cook than the chef. You have this exulted view of me and I hate it. If you think I'm that great, there must be something wrong with you.

Blind Man: What do you have?

Charles: I don't have Laura.

Laura: Well, I haven't felt "terrific" in a long time.

Charles: If I make you feel terrific, will you marry me?

Betty: [collecting her boss's work] Is this all you have?

Charles: That's a profound question!

Betty: What?

Charles: That's all I have.

Charles: [walking into Laura's unfurnished apartment] I thought maybe this might be your minimalist period.

Charles: Could you imagine living with a man named Ox?

Susan: Yes, if she's happy.

Charles: She's not happy.

Susan: Are you happy?

Charles: What's happy?

Charles: I thought you said you were on the trampoline team in high school.

Laura: I was on the trampoline team in high school.

Charles: That must have been before it became a competitive sport.

Laura: I never said I was any good you know. See, I had these terrible bow-legs. Somebody told me if you jump on the trampoline a lot, it'll straighten out your bow-legs.

Charles: How can jumping on a trampoline straighten out bow-legs?

Laura: I was misinformed!

Mrs. DeLillo: The Lord have mercy on your soul.

Charles: Thank you.

Mrs. DeLillo: Do you smoke?

Blind Man: What've you got?

Charles: I haven't got Laura.

Charles: That's a nice ribbon in your hair.

Clara: Well, I told the nurse that it was like the song. "Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree."

[starts to sing]

Mrs. DeLillo: [wearing a green ribbon] And I say tie a green ribbon 'round the old oak tree.

Clara: Mine's a real song!

Pete: Mommy sure does know her music, doesn't she?

Mrs. DeLillo: [angrily] Huh!

Pete: Mrs. DeLillo knows her music, too.

Mrs. DeLillo: Thank you so much.

Charles: The beauty of consciousness is that there is always a choice. Are you saying that you're not conscious?

Arthur: I am. I think.

Charles: Joe, pass me that thing off the curtain. Ok, this is going to hurt a lot.

Martin: OWWWWWWWWW! OUCH! AWWWWWW!

Charles: Jesus Martin! I haven't done it yet!

Cary: Excuse me, can I have another order of fries? Because my friend here is fat.

Charles: Funny, Chompers! At least I don't need a booster seat.

Charles: I can't believe we're breaking into the school. Who does that? Nobody does that. Idiots do that.

Charles: I know that's your camera, sir, but technically, that's my film.

Charles: Production Value!

Cary: Hey, pussy! Stop taking the fries away.

Charles: I ordered these fries for a reason!

Cary: Excuse me, can we get another order of fries because my friend here is fat.

Charles: Funny chompers, atleast I don't need to use a booster-seat.

Charles: [trying to escape the train derailment] I don't want to die!

Charles: They look like white Rubik's cubes or something.

Charles: Do you believe you can right your wrongdoings?